Horse La Horse Season 1

Chapters

Episode One
Episode Two
Episode Three
Episode Four
Episode Five
Episode Six
Episode Seven
Episode Eight
Episode 9: SEASON FINALE

Episode One

It's the start of another day at magic school. Why are you, a human with no magic abilities, at a school for unicorns? Because alicorns don't understand the phrase "No, that's not a horn". Well it's not so bad. The teachers, however harsh, don't seem to really mind you sleeping through your classes. But if some other pony steps out of line? Ahoho boy, that's a paddlin'. Really, there is a "bad pony" paddle. That could be kinda hot, if you are into that thing.

The second you sit down at your desk in homeroom you're dead to the world, snoring as loudly as you please.

"TOMORROW WILL BE A VERY IMPORTANT DAY FOR YOU KNAVES, IT WILL BE HORN INSPECTION DAY, AND ANYONE NOT UP TO PAR WILL BE PROMPTLY DEALT WITH," Cheerilee yells at the top of her lungs.

You sit straight up, woken by the volume of Cheerilee's shouts. Wait a second, horn inspection? You heard the stories, but you never believed them. Should have listened to 4hoof, you dolt, they could have saved you. Oh, right, you don't have a horn. Crisis averted, you think, sleepwalking to your next class.

"Hey did you hear about horn inspection, Anon-y-mous?" you hear a chipper voice call from behind you. You bend your head back to get an eyeful of Twilight Sparkle.

She's a dork, a nerd, but she's not so bad. And apparently she's taken a liking to you. That's sweet but, c'mon, she's a purple horse. And a bookworm. You only roll with bookcatapillers.

"Yeah I heard about it, who didn't?"

"I'm so excited, I've always wanted to prove myself to our teachers," she says, hugging her book close.

There is a silly twinkle in her eye.

"Yeah, that cool, if you're into that sort of thing."

You slink away, a torn up notebook in your left hand. On to the next class. . .

An hour later and you're out of history class. Or was it math? Either way, as you exit Chemistry class you’re met with an unusual sight. Sunset Shimmer, the school’s Student Council President, and a procession of lowly slaves, er, you mean ‘assistants’. Wow look at those brain-dead, drooling —

The orange mare glances your way, shimmering hair flowing, she winks at you as she passes. Whoa. Huh, that’s why her name is Shimmer. Bitch is covered in glitter. The hall is dead silent for nearly five minutes after she’s left, stallions and mares alike looking on in shock.

”Oooooh, did you see that?” some guy next to you hisses.

You turn and look down at a pair of giddy stallions.

”She winked at me, man!”

”No, she winked at me!”

You’re about to open your mouth to settle the argument when you feel something coil around you. It’s fucking Twilight, her hooves covering your mouth, legs wrapped around your neck, she’s look down the hall at something. Oh shit. The Toothbrush Terror in the flesh, one of Sunset Shimmer's Student Council friends. One of the "Elite 4." Her mane really does look like crest toothpaste. Crest brand toothpaste, nothing else. Colgate stomps over to the stallions, fuming at the nostrils like a raging bull. The others around them, including you, back away.

They’re whimpering in fear and she hasn't even said a word. Her eyes are bloodshot and unblinking, nearly popping right out of her head. The two stallions are so low their bellies are brushing the tile.

”You two runts really think our GLORIOUS Student Council President would ever even grace you with a glance of disgust, let alone a wink?”

”W-we—” they begin and end in unison.

”SILENCE.”

She huffs and puffs, and then in a dazzling flash of light, two toothbrushes materialize, using her magic she thrusts(!) them into their mouths, forcibly brushing their teeth. Tears stream down their face as their mouths are violated to the point of extreme cleanliness. A mare across the way mewls in horror and dives into her friend for comfort. You make a motion to move, but are stopped. Twilight runs a hoof down your face.

”No sudden moves, Anon,” she says with fear.

You give her a sideways glance, the only thing you can really do right now. Hey she kinda smells like newspapers. Could be worse, you resolve, looking back down at the two guys. The toothbrushes are removed, and their mouths forcibly opened with her magic.

”SAY ‘AHH’.”

They glance at each other.

”AAAAH?”

There is a magnificent flash of light and then poof, both of them are gone. You gasp in shock, getting a mouthful of Twi-fur. Not only are they gone, but so is a good chunk of the wall behind them. Colgate stalks away, smacking a whimpering mare on the way, the poor girl’s horn getting stuck in the wall upon being flung back.

Twilight slithers off of you and back onto the floor, grabbing her books. Students hurry to get to their next classes, everyone is already super late for whatever they’ve got next. You peer out of the hole to the grassy court below, you can just make out two figures, their faces embedded into the dirt. Well, you should probably get going, you have History class.

Or was it Chemistry?

”Hey Anonymous, wait!”

You turn, facing Twilight. She followed you all this way from school.The moment your last class was dismissed you bolted outta that place, yelling “YOU’RE TOO SLOW” to ponies you past.

God, it’s so nice being fast.

“What up?” you reply, spinning around to face her.

You go fast backwards, Twilight trying her best to keep up.

”Aren’t you excited for tomorrow?”

“Meh.”

She gasps.

”B-but horn inspection day! We can finally see your hor- Uh, we can finally see if we’re up to the standards set by our teachers.”

“Meh.”

You probably wouldn't even have to participate. Probably. You fear for Twilight though, any pony happy about being at school seems to get chewed up and spit out soon enough.

”Oh, you’re no fun,” she huffs.

There is a bit of nervous silence from Twilight.

"You should be a bit more careful Anon."

You stop.

"Huh?"

"You shouldn't mess with the School president or her assistants."

"Who?"

Twilight gasps and drops her books.

"Do we even go to the same school? How can you have no idea who the school president is?"

"Meh."

She rolls her eyes.

"Sunset Shimmer and her 4 best friends are not to be trifled with, Anon," she says coldly. That's unlike her.

"Well, I have no bones to pick with them. So, in short, meh."

"So. . .are you uh, doing anything this weekend."

Heavy breathing overtakes you.

"Uh, I've gotta go do some. . .human things." You say your goodbyes and scooby-doo the hell out of there.

Your home is simple enough, nothing more than a tiny shack those uni-wing-horn horses gave you when you moved to Ponyville. It's right next to the strange portal that brought you here in the first place. When you first arrived it glowed and hummed with a foul purple light, but now it's silent and unlit. Just a little stone archway and nothing else. It's nice here in Equestria, for the most part, you think. But it's not home. You'd give anything for a quick visit back to Earth.

The big day is here. You rise from your bed with bags under your eyes. Dressing in your only set of clothes, you scramble out of the shack that is your temporary home, completely forgetting breakfast. It might be nice to get a new set of clothes, maybe just a shirt. You look down at yourself, your white button up is a bit dirty, and a some of the threads are coming undone.

The black slacks hanging on to your hips are worse, all torn up and muddy at the cuffs. Meh. Could be worse. You could be wearing that skimpy sailor fuku the alicorns suggested. A shudder runs through you as you think of it. The school grounds are bustling with nervous students. They huddle in in their little groups, whispering or crying or doing whatever to keep there heads on straight.

Hey look, the two holes in the ground where those stallions landed. You do hope they’re okay, surely they were helped up and treated with care. Oh who are you kidding they’re probably being subjected to toothbrush propaganda in some strange dungeon beneath the school. And what a magnificent school it is, you think, looking upward. From down here you would say it’s a million floors high, but it probably isn't. Probably, there is no way you’re going to trouble yourself counting. White stone walls, masonry. Tomato, tamato. (Pickles, lettuce, onions, mustard and ketchup.)

The bell rings the second you reach the door, and you’re pushed in by a flood of ponies trying to get to their classes. A moment and a lot of groping later and somehow you’re in homeroom. Excellent, really. Cheerilee is already here, at the head of the class, stomping about angrily. For someone with smiling flowers on her ass you’d think she’d be a bit more mellow.

The room is pretty empty, just some sniffling weasel in the back and you present. You're surprised Twilight isn't here already. Well, scratch that. The purple horse herself bursts into the room, breathing heavy, the sound of a hundred hurried hooves on tile behind her.

Cheerilee gives her a scowl, eyeing her as she takes her seat next to you. Twilight is practically bubbling with excitement, she’s moving ever so slightly up and down at a rapid pace. Meh. It takes nearly a half an hour, but everyone arrives, taking their seats.

Big day for these sorry suckers.

”ALRIGHT, ALL OF YOU, SINGLE FILE TO THE COURTYARD,” Cheerilee yelps.

There is a collective groan as everyone stands from their seats.

As instructed you and everyone else shuffles there way out, and down all those stairs once again. Several other classes are already there when yours arrives. Actually, the inspections have already begun. Sunset Shimmer and her assistants are on a raised platform. Lyra Heartstrings is running things it seems, measuring and inspecting with her tape measure.

You're so engaged in the ceremony you bump into the pony in front of you. Looking down you see a nice mare with a pink coat and a fluffy tail. You have the urge to touch it, for a quick second. Any happy thoughts you had are quickly dashed when "she" turns her head around, and in a gruff voice of a 40 year old chain smoking alcoholic, "Watch it bub." Oh that's just grand.

The next hour and a half is spent in relative silence as everyone is inspected in alphabetical order. And, following the alphabet, Twilight Sparkle goes next right after Fluffine Fluff.

"TWRIGHT SPARKU," the announcer says, sniffling and wiping his pimpled face with a hoof. A low "oooohhh" can be heard from the crowd as everyone moves to allow her passage. Looking down the long line of ponies you see Twilight at the end, shivering, clenching her little book. Dead meat.

She creeps forward, one hoof after the other, all the way to the platform. You can hear the clattering of her hooves from here. Lyra snaps her measuring tape, Twilight flinches, Sunset has a shit eating grin and a local stallion is fucking invincible.

The measuring tape is placed across her horn. Sweat trickles down her forehead as Lyra scrutinizes Twilight. The seconds tick by, Lyra's eyelids get closer and closer. Then, as time seems to slow to a glacial pace Lyra opens her mouth. The words drip from her pony face like thick syrup, "SUB," tick, tick, tick, "PAR."

A gasp rings out across the yard, even you're surprised by that. First sub par of the day and it's Twilight. Ironic, huh? She's flabbergasted, no idea what to say.

"Subpar unicorns must be properly dealt with," Sunset claims, looking down at the crowd.

She nods to the blue horse next to her, no, not Colgate, the one in the stupid magic hat and cape.

"The Great and Powerful TRIXIE," her cape flutters, "will now expel this sub par student from the school grounds."

Wait a second, you can't just let that happen! You're Twilight's. . .okay, maybe not friend. Buddy? Acquaintance? One of those. Either way, you've got to do something. Twilight is cowering under the might and awe of Trixie.

A surge of emotion takes over you. You burst from the crowd, ripping off your tie and unbuttoning your shirt. The slightly dirty dress shirt flaps lightly in the wind.

"No so fast, Twix-bar, the meek and powerless."

You adopt a fighting stance, much like from that guy from that game, Deity Appendage. She laughs wholeheartedly.

"You think you can face me? You; some nameless lowly student?"

"What is his name, Glasses?" Sunset asks, casting a glance at the announcer stallion beside her.

"ANIN-WHY-MOUSE," he shouts, spitting a little.

There is a flash of light and the sound of a blade being drawn. The crowd ooohs and aaahs.

“Sunset, if you'll allow me, I'd like to take on this Anoneemus myself," Colgate says, stepping forward.

"OOOOHHH, AAAAHHHH," the crowd responds as Colgate brandishes her toothbrushes.

Sunset smiles. "Allowed."

Trixie looks a little upset, huffing in the back.

"Sunset Shimmer, if I can beat your lackey in a one on one, Twilight doesn't get expelled."

She giggles.

"Are you sure you want that as your request? Are you sure you don't perhaps want some. . .information?"

You squint at her, slacking.

"Information on what?"

"On you," she says with a giggle.

You freeze up. She knows, she's got to know. Why else would she say that?

"Can I have both?"

"No," she growls.

Hmm, well you've got to save Twilight! With a sad sigh you resolve to find out what she knows at some later date.

"Okay, where are we gonna fight?"

"Right here," she squints.

"Well alright."

She stalks onto the soft grass, a few feet from you, toothbrushes twirling at her sides like an ocelot's revolvers. A whistle-based western tune plays softly in the background.

"You want to take off your shoes?" she growls.

"Hmm, yeah okay, that might be nice."

You lean down to pull on the laces when out of the corner of your eye you spot something - a toothbrush. You're nowhere near quick enough to evade it, and it goes straight into your mouth, roughly cleansing your teeth of plaque. Oh, yeah this is pretty bad. You understand why those stallions were crying.

Something must be done. You can't just get face fucked by something inanimate! With your nimble hands you grab for it, wrenching it free. You haven't a moment to recover, for another is coming from the left. The crowd gawks, gasping and crying in horror.

"Go Anon!" Twilight screams.

You bat away the second cleaning utensil and dive for Colgate before she can recover. Rolling her around in the dirt you try your best to channel your inner hot monkey to subdue her.

"S-stop grabbing my ass," she grunts as you struggle with her, face half in the dirt.

You look down, and in your left hand really is a handful of pony butt. F-feels like marshmallow heaven. Two horse butts in as many hours? You're on a roll! Even if one was a guy.

She shifts around and kicks you in the gut with her back legs.

"You're pretty good," she comments, rolling to her feet.

You run at her, tackle her, raising her up with your arms before dropping her to the ground like a sack of potatoes covered in spiders and snakes. She squints in pain but recovers quickly enough, spawning more toothbrushes. With a left and a right you knock out the brushes before they're even sent your way, catching Colgate with an uppercut. This time she stays down, and you can hear her sobbing.

"Hey wow, that was super easy," you say, looking over at Sunset.

She just laughs and glances to your side, where Colgate is. Time slows as you look down at her, and the giant tube of toothpaste she's got held between her forelegs.

"Say AAAH."

"Okay, I'll bite. AAAH."

Like a really dumb fish in water you open your mouth. A second later and your entirely covered in toothpaste.

"I should have seen that coming."

Colgate is about to pounce on you, brushes whirling at her hips, when a shout from Sunset stops her.

"You've proven yourself today, Anonymous."

You'd bow or do something, but you're kinda covered in toothpaste.

"Twilight can remain enrolled here, but you won't get your information, unless of course you can face my four assistants in one-on-ones IRL."

You can only squint, and squirm impotently in rage.

She laughs madly, "For now, why don't you get some rest or something. . ."

The toothpaste loosens and splatters on the grass. You fall to your hands and knees. Twilight runs over to you, trying to get you on your feet with her pony frame. The crowd cheered for someone, you're not sure who. Twilight thanked and hugged you. Sunset smirked. And then suddenly you were back at your home. Looks like she tucked you into bed already. And. . .you appear to be nude. It's been such a long day.

You stumble out of bed, covering yourself up as best as possible with your sheets. For whatever reason you're drawn to the stone arch. Maybe it will give you some peace. It's night time, you can't tell how late. The streets are silent, not a pony in sight. So is the arch, as always. Instead of feeling better, you're just more depressed. Feeling mopey your eyes drift down to the cool grass tickling your feet.

What's that? There is a folded up suit at the base of the arch. Looks pretty sweet, and it's just laying there. But where did it come from? With apprehension you quickly take it inside. Tentatively, you don the new suit and its blood red tie. It's a prefect fit! Hmm, feels, nice. You observe yourself in the mirror. 100% sexy.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

"Who is it?"

"Twilight Sparkle!"

"At this hour?" you question, feeling the lapel of your new suit.

There is a pause.

"It's seven o'clock."

"It's seven o'clock?"

"It's seven o'clock."

"Oh, well, come it. The door's unlocked."

"I know~"

She opens the door and slides in, hair flowing for some reason.

"How's it going? You feeling alright."

"Dandy! I ordered some horn-enhancing pills online. I even got you some!"

She places a little bottle on your nightstand and takes a seat on your bed.

"I see you found my suit."

"This is yours? But it's human-size."

"Yes, I had it made for you. You're going to beat Sunset Shimmer with it."

Gasps!

Hair flowing!

Flashy lights!

IN THE NEXT EPISODE:
Will Anonymous find who, or what tore him from his cozy life on Earth?
Will Twilight's horn grow?
WILL THERE BE PONY-BUTTS?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON HORSE THE HORSE!

Author's Note

Episode one of Horse La Horse reformatted from VHS to BLU-RAY! Unfortunately the animation is still a little grainy, and the audio quality is so-so, but what can you do?

Episode Two

"You're telling me that /you're/ the one who made this?"

Twilight Sparkle nods her head cheerfully.

"But how? Why? I mean, how did you even get my measurements?"

"Rarity helped me sow it and I took your measurements just now, while you were asleep."

"Oh well that answers all my questions."

She lets out a sigh of relief.

"Except for the one about why."

"That, I can't tell you, not yet."

"Why not?"

"Because," she hops off the bed and twirls, "y-you m-must first. . .uh."

"Uh?"

"T-take me on-," she gulps, blushing.

TAKE ON ME, /take on me/. TAKE ME ON~

"On a?"

"A DATE!" she shouts, bursting from her seat before curling back into an embarrassed ball.

"What? I hardly know you. And the only reason I saved you today was because I'm a nice guy. I think you owe me some answers."

"B-but, we're suppose to go on a uh," she struts to the door, obviously trying to show off.

What has gotten into her? Usually she's so nervous and not confident. Maybe books put her into some sort of subdued state? You wouldn't be surprised.

"Meh."

Hopefully this works.

"What do you mean 'meh'," she asks, looking from her rump to you. She looks a little nervous, her facade is breaking up, perfect.

"Meh." You try your best to subdue a smile.

"B-but, how else will you find out why I want you to fight Sunset Shimmer?"

You glance over at her, turning your head slowly for effect.

"Meh."

She starts pacing around, looking sweaty.

"W-we have to go on a date though."

"I don't think so. I don't have to fight Sunset either."

She gasps, spinning around. Twilight jumps into your lap, burying her face into your...'horn'.

"Please Anonymous, do it for me!"

"Hmm." Should you do it for her? She looks up hopefully, eyes twinkling.

"I'll think about it."

"Ugh."

You tell her it would be best if she left you to rest, and she does leave with little complaint, just some mumbling about horn sizes. You're left to your own devices, and that bottle of pills. Horn growth, huh? Well, one couldn't hurt right? Maybe you'll even grow a horn, magic might be pretty cool to have. You pop a pill, undress down to your under-roos… Uhm. You can't recall your underpants being a bright pink. Well, it's the only clothes you have now, you're just going to have to deal. Superb.

Finally, a Friday! Today will be a good day, you think, rising out of bed. This time you aren't an idiot and remember to eat breakfast. Unfortunately you forgot your clothes when heading out the first time, and had to bolt back home to get into your suit. Sure gave that mare something to scream about. You're still shocked those horn enhancers worked! Shame you still don't have an actual magic horn.

You get to school with no trouble, but you find some the moment you step into the courtyard. Ponies are gathered in their groups, chattering lowly as they wait for the school's doors to open. You think you spot Twilight, buried in a book, near the entrance but you can't be sure. Well why not take a closer look? Oh you can't. Two runts block your path.

They're saying something, but you're too focused on Twilight, after a couple seconds you finally pay them mind.

"—Ya heard? No one messes with the great and powerful Trixie," the shorter of the two says.

"Meh."

"BWAH?" they say in unison.

They look to each other and then back at you.

"No one simply brushes off the word of Trixie!"

"The word of who?"

"HER NAME IS TRIXIE."

They stand back to back, a flare of light coming from them.

"We must defend her honor, Snips," the lanky one says.

"Right behind you, Snails," his tubby companion replies.

"What are you two planning?" you question, taking a step back.

"We're none other than Snips," there is a pause as Snips stands on two legs and rubs a hoof down his tummy.

"And Snails~" Snails does the same thing, his mane flowing in the wind.

"AND WE WILL CRUSH ANY WHO DON'T BOW TO TRIXIE," they say in unison, eyes flaring with rage.

As quick as possible you throw off your suit coat, toss off your tie and unbutton your shirt.

"Are we going to fight?"

They chuckle like two cartoon villains.

"No, we are going to stomp you."

[Theme of Snips & Snails]:

(Real Big Fish’s cover of Take on Me)

"Meh."

You adopt your fighting stance, dancing between two feet, fists raised and body turned at an angle. Snips charges at you first, chub wiggling as he runs and pounces. You send out a punch to meet his smug face halfway. AH!

Quickly you withdrawal your hand and stumble back, finger pulsing with pain. A bit of blood trickles down your index.

"Did you just stab me?"

Snips produces a pair of scissors and cuts the air with them a few times.

Now you've just got to wipe the smile off that guy’s face, with your fists! You hop toward him, just about to delivered a 5-finger sandwich to his stupid horse face. Without warning you're hit from the side with something wet and slimy that topples you to the ground.

Ow. W-what? What hit you? Snips was right there and Snails was right behind him. The two cackle. An upset little snail crawls away from you in the grass.

Twilight Sparkle comes up, joining in the ragged circle that's begun forming.

"Work up a sweat, Anon!" she says to you from across the way.

"What?" you ask, springing to your feet and swinging your fist at Snails.

"Get sweaty~"

Instead of soft pony jaw you hit something soft and wet. A octopus slides off Snails giggling face, the indent from your fist still on its back.

"I thought your gimmick was suppose to be snails?"

"My 'gimmick' is slimy things!" he shouts angrily, tossing another octopus.

You bat it away, but before you can throw a punch Snips is at your side, snipping away. Dodging, you give him a quick jab that makes him back off. You can't keep this up. That last attack was all luck; you can hardly get a hit in with both of them keeping you cornered and dodging.

"YOU'RE OUT MATCHED!" they shout in unison, flexing their nonexistent muscles.

You huff and puff, why is it so hot? Look up at the mellow sun, you figure it's just a hot day. Sweat trickles down your back and touches your boxers. Whoa, that feels weird. Tight all of a sudd— OW.

"My naturally enhanced horn!" you yelp, grasping for your crotch.

Feels like your underwear is getting sucked into you. Your button-up shirt slides to the floor as you're forcibly contorted. Snips and Snails and everyone else look on in shock as your clothes wrap and twist around you. There is hardly anything you can do as your suit is turned into nothing more put a pair of boxers and suspenders.

"W-what the hell?"

You can see Twilight smiling like a goof in the back. Looking down, you see only bright pink boxers and suspenders.

"DELICIOUS!" some overly saccharine voice calls.

"W-what was that?"

Your opponents look at you with a confused face.

"Down here buddy," the voice says.

Once again you turn your gaze to your under garments.

"Uh. Hello?" you say to your dick, face getting red as you realize what you're doing.

"T-that's so lewd," whispers someone in the quickly growing crowd around you.

"Hi, I'm Pinkie!"

"Oh god, what? Like, the one from Sugar Cube Corner?"

"No silly, just a reflection of her," your boxers giggle.

YOUR BOXERS ARE GIGGLING. It tickles in all the wron— RIGHT places.

"I have no idea what the hell is going on."

"Neither do we, are you gonna fight or what?" Snips asks, Snail's gaze trickling down to your package.

"I'm gonna help you defeat these two hooligans," your undergarments say. Are they still undergarments if they're the only thing you're wearing?

"Hooligans?" you ask, skeptically. Your boxers just said hooligans.

"Anonymous, I'll give you the extra speed and mobility you need to evade both of these chuckle. . .huh, what's the word?"

"Chucklefucks?"

"Yes! Now go beat up these chucklefucks."

"O-okay."

"What did he say about my mother?" Snails asks, eyes still on your underpants.

You leap over to him, feeling some strange power coming from your loin-area. Whoa. With one fluid motion you tug on his horn with one hand, forcing him down, and with the other you give him a brain jarring uppercut.

"Violence! More violence!" Pinkie-Pants squeals as you nimbly avoid Snip's attacks. It's so much easier than it was before, this is taking no effort. You jump up, Bruce Lee'ing the shit out of his face with your foot.

"Behind you!"

Spinning around you accidentally deck the downed Snails with a reaction punch.

"Whoa."

"You're welcome!" Pinkie-Pants squeals.

Seems you've defeated them both. You feel so invigorated! YOU CAN DO ANYTHING! All around you stallions and mares are bickering, some collecting money, some giving it up. Looks like there was only one guy who bet you.

"Oh, he's one of those stallions," one mare says while looking at you.

"One of them exhibitionists?" some other asks.

"Yeah that kind."

You turn away, blushing a bit, to spot Twilight walking off to the school doors, which just opened. You don't catch up to Twilight, and you don't get to talk to her in class, but you do get a chance at lunch. Thankfully your suit has gone back to normal, but you still get stares and giggles as you pass by. Twilight is munching on a daisy sandwich or something similar when you get to her. She's sitting outside in the shade of a tree, while other students chat or magic-toss a hacky-sack around.

"I don't even know where to begin, but I need some answers or something Twilight. I mean, I got stripped to my underwear by your 'suit'. And it talks ya know, my pants talk."

She says nothing, finishing up her lunch. With a giddy but nervous smile she looks up at you.

"Don't worry Anonymous, all clothes do that."

"W-what?"

She leans in a bit closer.

"We'll talk later, the school isn't safe," she looks up at the building itself.

Following her gaze you spot an open window, and someone leaving that window. She brushes some crumbs off her and saunters off. You spent all day grinding your teeth together, the first time in weeks that's happened. For quite sometime you were relaxed, everything was nice and cool, everything was meh. Just as you liked it! But now all this craziness has stirred up and no one wants to tell you anything. You meet Twilight just outside the school all the same.

"So, can you tell me things now?"

"No, follow me."

"Ugh."

She smirks and starts walking away. You trudge behind her for FIVE whole minutes until she stops in front of a little restaurant.

"This place is. . .uh, safe," she mumbles. She looks up at you pleadingly. "C-can you treat me to dinner?"

You gaze at your watch.

"It's 4 o'clock, who eats dinner at 4?"

She sniffles a little bit, eyes watery.

"P-please."

Aw how can you say 'meh' to that face?

"Fine."

She squeals like a happy pony and bounds inside. By the time you catch up to here she's already at a booth, stuffing herself with a hay sandwich. You grudgingly sit across from her. At least she got a booth.

"You want one?" she asks, bits of hay sticking out of her teeth, crazed expression on her face.

"Uh, no."

Various munching noises come from your dinner partner.

"Perhaps now you can tell me why this suit," you grab onto your lapels, "turns into underwear when I get sweaty?"

"I-it's my fe-fet-" she mumbles.

"YOUR WHAT? SPEAK UP," you slam a fork into the table.

The restaurant falls dead silent, dozens of pony eyes locked onto you in shock. Somehow you're half way across the table, your knife pointing at Twilight. You slither back to your seat. Hmm, this suit is rousing your angry side. OR MAYBE IT'S JUST TWILIGHT BEING A BIG MORON?

"Oh right. The suit is just regular horse fabric."

The FUCK is horse fabric?

"But I imbued it with a special magic! When your fluids come into contact with it, it will transform into something more fitting for the task at hand. To help you fight each transformation comes with a reflection of one of my best friends!"

"Fluids? Magic? Transformations?"

She puts down her sandwich.

"Yes, sweat, blood, tears and—" she disappears.

You flick your head around.

"Whoa!"

She's right next to you, fuzzy pony cheek rubbing against yours.

"—Other juices~"

You shy away from her and she's magically back in her own seat.

"So, why did you make this suit for me?"

"I think it makes you look n-nice."

Before you can tell Twilight how much she is a mumbling, bumbling, fumbling pony you're interrupted by a vinyl hitting your face and you collapse to the side.

"M-meh," you mewl, laying on your back in the booth, vinyl imprint on your face.

Sitting up you spot a white mare, a unicorn to be exact, standing on the table nearest you. She's got red goggles on, rapidly spinning vinyls at her sides.

"What the hell was that for?"

"For being a big meanie and beating up those poor kids today."

"Uh-oh, watch out Anon, this is one of Sunset Shimmer's closer friends."

"She can't be any tougher than Colgate, can she?"

The mare laughs, "Colgate wasn't exerting her full power."

"Meh."

On the outside you're calm as a cucumber being pickled. But on the inside you're a nervous wreck. Colgate wasn't using her full power? Could that whole thing have been set up? Set up for what? Maybe to get your confidence up? So many questions, ugh!

"So, let the battle commence," she says, voice ringing through the restaurant.

Patrons and employees alike either scurry out or hide behind tables, watching in relative safety.

[Theme of Vinyl Scratch]:

(Running in the 90s - Maurizio De Jorio)

You 'accidentally' throw your suit jacket over Twilight's face while assuming your stance. If you can get sweaty this fight will another piece of cake, you think. Before you can taunt, or converse with your enemy for 13 episodes and then transform, you're hit in the gut with a walkman.

"Radical!" she says, giving herself a pat on the back.

You look straight into her loathsome goggles, clutching your side. Urge to kill, rising. You dive to the side, taking cover by a table as vinyls dig into the wood right near your head.

"Hiding? You wimp! Come out and face me like a mare," she hops onto a table to get the high ground.

"But I'm a man," you reply, sneaking behind her while she tosses a laser disc at your previous spot.

Smiling to yourself you pounce from your position behind her, ready with a punch.

"PSYCH!"

You're smacked in the face with a VCR player, the plug whipping you as you fall to the carpet. It hurts pretty bad, but the carpet is kinda soft. Shag, you think.

"What's the damage, you square?"

"I've got like 70% healt— uh did you did you just call me a square?"

You rise to your feat, eyes locked with her goggles.

"It's hip to be square," you say defiantly.

You dexterously duck under her flurry of discs and cassettes, only to have your uppercut blocked by another vinyl. Once again you disengage. How can you get close if she can detect your strikes! And why the hell aren't you sweating? You look around; damn. Air conditioning! No way you can get sweaty with the cool comfort of an A/C keeping your body chilled. You're boned now, kiddo.

More vinyls come spinning your way, Scratch smiling smugly. You dodge two but are too slow to evade the third. Time to pull some tough guy shit. You catch the third in your hand. The disc cuts into your flesh, digging into your palm. You stumble back into another table, grunting as the corner pokes your butt.

"Anon! Wipe the blood off on your pants," Twilight calls.

"But what if it stains?" you question, looking over at her, your suit jacket wrapped around her head like a turban.

"But you'll transform!"

OH RIGHT.

Vinyl's eyes go wide and she jumps up to stop you, but before she can even get close your already wiping blood all over your shirt and pants like a soapy lather.

[Theme of Anonymous' Blood Suit]:

(Crawling in my Green Hill Zone)

There is a ringing in your ears as your clothes tighten up again. The shirt and pants don't disappear this time, but they do change. Your once relatively clean slacks are transformed into black, ripped up jeans. Ow. GOD OW WHAT THE HELL.

You open up your jeans and look down. By god it's like a rose bush down there. Thorns, flowers! It's both painful and sensual. The button up shirt suffers a far worse fate. Black shoulder pads sprout long, thin spikes. The buttons meld together to form a regular t-shirt. Seems to be for some sort of grunge band. You look down at your new shirt, seeing a skeleton pony dripping blood, the words "Pain is forever" under it. In the corner you spot a rather unfitting little cloud and rainbow lightning bolt. Rainbow Dash's cutie mark! Oh god.

"FEED ME MORE BLOOD, MORTAL," your clothes yell in its female, and hoarse, horse voice.

"W-what happened to your face?" Vinyl asks in fear, taking a few steps back.

You frantically look around, looking for a toaster or something. The metal napkin holder reflects some strange creature back at you.

Gasping in shock you get closer to confirm it's really you. Jet black spiky hair, black eyeliner and lipstick. God, you look like you should be in a band called Green Day or Licking Park Benches. But, you feel like you're burning up with angst and power.

"YOU INSOLENT FOOL, THIS IS MY FACE NOW. EMBRACE THE DARK."

"You catch on quick," Blackbow Dash comments.

You march up to your enemy. She's just shivering in fear of your shadow.

"MUWAHAHAHA."

IN THE NEXT EPISODE:
Will Anonymous or Vinyl achieve victory?
Will Anonymous stop crawling in his skin?
Will Twilight Sparkle ever get in Anonymous' pants?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON HORSE THE HORSE!

Author's Note

Episode Two reformatted*! This episode's music was stellar!

Episode Three

Dun-dun-daaaah. With Vinyl shivering in her hooves it's clear this battle is yours. Shall you monologue about your dark, sharp past?

"Anonymous, tell Vinyl how it's nothing personal. This is all just business."

"Vinyl Scratch," you begin, intent on doing just what your outfit suggests.

"Y-yes?" she backs away, horn shimmering with the weakest of magic bursts.

"From the moment you entered this rest—"

VROOM! A spinning CD digs its way into your chest, tearing up your band-shirt.

"No!" you cry out, grasping for the archaic format.

It cuts a bit deep, drawing blood. In pain and confusion, you move to the side, bumping into a table, knocking over salt and pepper shakers.

"Anonymous, the spikes! Use them as kunais," Blackbow Dosh says.

What a good idea. You flick into action, ripping off the spikes on your shoulders. Dodging to the left you hop over a table, tossing the slender blades at her. She pony-rolls to the right, evading your attack. Ah, but you've got another trick up your sleeve.

"PASTA-PORT."

In a wet, noodly storm you disappear, and reappear right behind Vinyl.

"Heh, you're already dead, kiddo."

Just as she's turning her wide eyes toward you you grab her by the neck and put her in a headlock.

"Uncle, uncle!" she cries.

"No mercy."

You hear Blackbow Dash giggle madly as your dark, whole wheat noddles wrap around her.

"L-let me go!" she calls, squirming. There was nothing you or her could do, the noddles gripped her tighter whenever she wriggled.

"Anonymous, I need more blood, I grow weak!" your rocker boxers say harshly.

"BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD HORSE!"

You rip a spike from a nearby booth seat. Vinyl whimpers as you bring the blade closer.

"Anon! Don't!" Twilight comes from behind you, resting a hoof on your shoulder.

"MEH."

"You won, there's no reason to hurt her."

"ANONYMOUS. SATE MY LUST FOR BLOOD OR I WILL BE FORCED TO REVERT BACK TO BEING REGULAR CLOTHES."

Your eyes flick between Twilight and your victim.

"CRUSH HER WEAK PONY FORM. PLEASE, DON'T SEND ME BACK THERE WITH PINKIE," Blackbow's voice gets a bit hoarse.

ba dum tss

Already your suit is beginning to slip back to its original form. The shirt returns to its previous state, its color fading back to white. The noddles fall to the floor, releasing Vinyl, before dissolving. She crawls away, huffing and puffing. You stumble back yourself, landing in the booth, getting stabbed in the ass by a spike just as it started to fade away. You're quite drained, coming out of the transformation. Bit of a headache as well.

...And a pain in the ass too.

Vinyl scurries off without saying goodbye or anything. Typical ponies, so rude. Looking around you examine the wreckage. TABLES, CHAIRS, CEILINGS, all completely wrecked. Oh god, here come the employees, and what looks like the owner. Time to split. You scoop up Twilight and crash through the nearest window before anything can go bad. Well, the glass in your arm and forehead is a little bad.

A little bloodied, and very tired, you lumber home, Twilight in tow.

"That was pretty bad back there," you say, looking down at Twilight as you push open your door.

"D-did you not have a good time?"

You rummage around for bandages.

"Hmm, well there was the glass, the crazy clothing that lusted for blood and made me lust for blood, the thousands of dollars of damage we did to a restaurant, oh AND THE GLASS. I don't think insurance is going to cover the damage because I count as an act of god, and their policy doesn't cover that. PLUS, I don't have insurance so I KNOW the coverage for the glass in my arm is 0."

You wiggle a piece out of your arm before tossing it into the sink. Then you clean it and wrap it up. Huh, this is surprisingly easy! But still hurts.

"Well, the suit isn't perfect! Stuff happens."

You spin around, giving her a cold hard stare. "You have me wearing an experiment?"

"W-well..."

You nod to yourself in anger. "Hmm, that's good, huh."

"Oh well I'm glad you understand! I-I'll get going now!"

Twilight bolts for the door before you can react, you try to drag her back in by her tail but you miss and fall flat on your face. "Have a nice night," she calls while running.

That son of a pony! You roll on your back, chin hurting, arm hurting, head hurting. This suit has caused way too much trouble than its worth. But, it is your only set of clothes.

You spend the weekend sleeping nude. Then Monday rolls around, and its time to get dressed. Breakfast choices are toast and nothing else. Well, if you have too. Stuffing your face with burned bread and gulping down water takes a few minutes, and the second you're done it's out the door with you. Monday's are pretty bad, you think to yourself, walking up to the school's entrance.

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE."

A large mare moves in front of the gate to the school yard. She's huge; tall, right up in your face. A few other students gather around, unable to proceed past this large, slender pony.

"Is this the part where you call me criminal scum?"

"No," she says aggressively, "Fleur-De-Lis does not stoop so low~"

A rush of air, sparkling light and flower-based perfume flows through you and the students. Fleur looks to the upper left, eye closed, allowing the crowd to get a good look at her majestic form. She's like a celestial being descended straight from the heavens.

"You, Anonymous, are an enemy to the school! Thus, I can not allow you to enter."

"Well. Are we gonna uh, fight or something?"

You slid off your backpack, the students behind you backing off.

"No, Fleur-De-Lis does not stoop so low."

"Then what's stopping me from just walking past you?"

She looks down at you with the most apathetic of expressions. You hear "ooooh" come from the small crowd behind you. One blast of magic later and you're 50 feet away, half in the dirt, all disheveled and bruised. Your previous wounds flare up in pain as you sit up. When you look up, Fleur is already gone, and so is the crowd that was there before.

Oh hey, it's Twilight. The purple pony trots over to you.

"Hey Anonymous, why are you in the dirt?" she asks, looking down at you.

"Meh," you grunt, trying to stand, the dirt surrounding you like a half-tomb.

"Where's your textbooks, Anon? How are you going to do any work without your textbooks!"

"I don't really have to worry about that now. I'm expelled or something."

Her eyes go wide and her saddle bag slips off of her.

"OH. MY. CELESTIA."

She begins freaking out, flipping around everywhere, squeaking and squealing.

"How will you receive an education? How will you learn?"

"I don't know. I'll get a GED or something," you say, shaking your shoulders to rid yourself of the dirt mould.

She freezes in place, a few feet away from you, head turning slowly toward you. Her mouth is agape and ears perked all the way up. "That's not a real diploma," she says between soft sobbing.

"Oh the horror. How will you get a job without a diploma?"

You sigh and roll your eyes, "well I can't just walk in there, Fleur will blast me again."

She looks over at the school. "Climb the wall?"

A GRAND IDEA.

You stand to the left of the school's main gate, a little around the way so no one would see. Every few feet a band of stone juts out, making the wall incredibly easy to climb. That is if you can reach the first one, which is like twenty feet off the ground. How are you going to get that? Magic of course. Looking around you see a tree not too far from you. A branch reaching out toward the wall. Hmm.

"A plan is forming."

Channeling your ape ancestors you scurry up the old oak, swinging around and landing deftly on a tapering branch. Hmm, feels like you're gotten a bit more limber. Maybe this suit isn't so shitty after all! You scuttle down the branch, reach the mid point.

It begins leaning down, a low creaking sounding. This could end poorly. Not wanting to be like those characters in so many slap-stick comedies you leap from your position, flying on a wing and a prayer. Success! Now you just have to climb up the rest of the way.

"Me-meh."

So close, the edge is right there!

"AND NOW, COLGATE, STUDENT COUNCIL MEMBER," some announcer yells, his voice faint from all the way up here.

Probably wouldn't be ideal to look down now.

"Ahem. Students of Ponyville Magic Academy, with pleasure I announce the school's upcoming sports festival."

A sports festival? Wait a second, lets hear about this.

"All clubs with gather for a spectacular show of force against the Earth and Pegasi pony schools."

You climb over the edge, looking down at the school's courtyard. All the students are gathered around the same platform used in the horn inspection a few days ago. A gasp goes out through the crowd like a rolling wave, and a dozens heads perk up, looking right at you, half over the wall. Shit.

You pick out Fleur on the platform, taller than her comrades. Her eyes immediately lock with yours.

"YOU!" she shouts, her horn lighting up.

Welp. You try sliding back over the other side of the wall, but you fail miserably. And of course you tumble over the other edge, just barely catching onto a bar as you plummet. The magic shot blows away a good chunk of the wall ahead of you, debris raining from above.

No going back up now. You drop down a few more levels, trying to get to the bottom as fast as possible. Fleur fires another shot.

"Stop. I'll take care of him," you hear Colgate call.

There is some more bickering but you're about two stories above ground and you have no interest in it. Oh god, there's the ground. Green, green. Time to jump! You leg go of your handhold, coming to a roll as you hit the grass below. Surprisingly easy.

Colgate is right on your ass the second you turn around. Toothbrush! Toothbrush! You evade nimbly to the side, dashing away from her and toward the school to buy you some time. However, there is nowhere to. You're pinned in by the crowd, Colgate and the school's wall.

"Those who trespass must be dealt with promptly!"

"Well, alright," you assume your stance but continue to look around for an exit.

You really don't feel like fighting right now. Colgate tenses up. This should be pretty easy, you had her locked down without even changing form, you think, as a rope of floss comes straight for your face. You dive out of the way, rolling to your feet, the sound of the floss snapping licks your ear. That's new.

"Did you like that?" she laughs, "I'm not holding back this time, human. You'll be dealing with my full arsenal! FEEL THE POWER OF SPEARMINT."

She stalks forward a bit, slowly making her way across the grass to you. The crowd is silent in anticipation, which you find quite ominous. Maybe this won't be so easy. You move forward yourself, and once within a few feet of her she throws out another floss whip. This one catches you on your leg, wrapping around your foot.

"Heh."

In a flash of blue dozens more whips materialize, all flying right for you. Instinct causes you to make a break for it, but you fall right on your face. Fear is plastered on your face as the leagues of light green floss assault you from every direction. You attempt to bat them away with your fists, but you're only so fast, many get past your meager defenses and slap against you. Your exposed arms and stomach are beet red from the assault, pain radiating from everywhere on you. You can hear the cringing in the background. It's time to get sweaty. Getting slapped left and right, you sit up, feebly trying to untie the thing around your leg.

"HAHAHA, FOOL," she cackles maldy, much like an unhinged d(m)ental patient.

[Theme of Colgate]

Silver Surfer (NES) - Level 1

More of her ropes creep toward you, binding your arms and legs tightly. It's getting a bit warm. Good, good! You feel the heat build up in your skin, that's good. However the binds are causing your previous wounds to flair up, that's bad. She slaps your face a few times with another whip, clearly enjoying that. That's a little strange. But, you're getting pretty hot as well. N-not in that way of course. Huh, is she trying to constrict you more?

AH. The binds around your no-touch zone get a little tighter. And then all the floss rips to shreds and you drop to the floor. With a grin on your face you get to your feet, clad in no more than suspenders and pink boxers. Colgate is more than a little shocked, but quickly straightens herself out.

"Your move, creep," she says grimly.

You look about, feeling the heat of dozens of eyes clashing with the pain of your wounds.

"Pinkie, ideas?" you whisper.

"Try running!" she says cheerily.

"That's no help."

"We haven't got all day!" Colgate interrupts.

She materializes a long, heavy brush adorned with rough bristles, whipping it around her with magic. You act quick, deciding to run at her to get a punch in before she can strike you. It fails completely, and you're tossed aside like a leaf in the wind. Feels like you got hit by a train that got rammed by a bus. In short, pretty fucking bad. What's worse is the impact against the school's wall, and that wall's subsequent destruction.

Your spine, ribs, and gushy parts should all be paste now, but thankfully Pinkie seems to have taken most of the blow. She moans a little as you try to sit up, rubble settling around you.

"You alright?" you ask, holding your aching head.

"It's owie."

"Hang in there."

"I'm kinda tired already Anon, I dunno if I can go on."

You look out back toward the field. Colgate is grinning, sun shining off her pristine teeth. At her sides, spinning toothbrushes, smaller ones. How can you go on?

"Anon!" Pinkie yells, shocking you a bit.

"Got an idea?"

"The bake sale sign! Look," she says weakly.

You look to the right, at a tattered pink banner reading "Bake sale".

"Yeah, and?" you grunt, eyes flicking back to Colgate.

"Get me a cupcake."

"But—!"

"Do it, just trust me" she says hoarsely.

With no better options, and in need of a little treat, you run off down the hall. You already know Colgate is gonna be on your tail like frosting on cake. Skating around the edge you flinch, hearing a toothbrush slam into lockers along the wall, denting them. Getting hit by that won't be pretty.

Then again, you did survive getting thrown through a wall. The sound of you and your enemy's footsteps are all that can be heard.

"We're close Anon. I can smell them."

"You can smell them?" you question, turning another corner.

"Yes~ Please, eat the chocolate one."

Suddenly an abandoned table comes into view. Little cakes, brownies, cookies, the works. But no milk. Meh.

"It's close."

Your suspenders begin vibrating in excitement. It's kinda creepy. WHOOSH. Another toothbrush, whizzing by your head, crashing into the wall. You look behind you at the menacing Colgate, her whips creeping forward.

In a mad dash you reach the table, scooping up the nearest cupcake, a double chocolate one. The wrapper is peeled just as a her whips are inches from you. Whirling around you stand proudly, unsure of what will happen.

"Here we go!" Pinkie squeals in joy, new vigor in her voice.

Your teeth sink into the soft cupcake. . . AND A MIGHTY FLASH OF LIGHT BLINDS YOU AND YOUR ENEMY.

"Gah!" Colgate yelps, you think you hear her fall backwards.

The tightness of your suspenders grows, and shifts. Something wraps around your neck, and you feel your hands being wrapped up by what feels like some sort of cloth. A new form? The light fades, and when you look down. . .

There is a giant candy-cane in your hand. You're holding it like a spear, and wow, you have some white gloves now.

"You like the bow-tie?"

"Huh?"

Angling your head just right you take a good look at the thing on your neck. A little pink bow tie. Let's fucking go. You look down at Colgate, who's on her side, struggling to get up. Laying on the floor, leading from her to you, the green strips of floss. The ends are charred and black. Did you do that? You heft up the cane, walking over to Colgate.

"Do you want to submit?"

She looks up at you, teeth gritting, a bit of blood dripping from a cut on her cheek. "Not a chance," Colgate grunts through gritted teeth. With a burst of magic you're on your ass, again.

"Anon! You silly billy. Get back up."

"My tender back!"

You force yourself back up on two legs, one hand holding your aching head. The second you look up you see a seething Colgate charging forward, toothpick pointed straight at your chest. Deftly you knock it aside with your cane, a few minty chips falling to the floor from the impact.

"SWEET TREATS WILL NEVER TRUMP MY MOUTH-CLEANING PRODUCTS."

Clink! Clank! You have at each other in the hall, the residual power from your strikes shaking the foundations of the school. Changing it up, you swing low for her feet, but she hops back and then immediately forward, stabbing you. Instead of being skewered you're tossed right through the wall. CRACK! CRUMBLE! For a second you're flying. The roar of the students watching you fly and Pinkie's wails are just a distant buzzing— And then you land in a thorn bush.

"Thorn bushes are real pricks, ya know?" Pinkie comments, giggling.

"Please, never make a pun again."

Colgate jumps through the hole, weapon ready. Bleeding and battered you rise from your leafy bed.

"Ready for round...Huh. What are we on now?"

You bend down and reclaim your fallen candy cane, the hook buried a few inches into the dirt.

"We started in the courtyard, then you tossed me through the wall. I guess that would be round 1 and 2."

"Then I completely wrecked you a second ago."

"Making this round 3."

She nods furiously.

"Meh."

You swing your weapon around, charging forward. She does the same, bringing her pick up with magic like a spear. Grinning almost unnoticeable you bait her into another lunge. She takes it, and the moment she throws herself forward you're on her side.

"Surprise!"

Time slows in a flash of confetti and sparkles. Colgate's mouth opens slowly, a low "Argggggg" coming from her as your weapon descends on her face. Her horsey tongue lolls out, the hook of your candy cane glancing her. The two of you fall to the floor as time reverts to normal. Colgate is panting, staggering around. She drops her pick, her eyes spacing out.

"Did you break her?"

"I hardly touched her!"

"S-sugar?" your opponent groans.

"Uh, you alright?"

"Sugar!"

"O-ok."

She jumps at you, biting into your cane.

"AH!" Pinkie cries.

You try to shake her off, but her teeth are ingrained into the staff of the cane. Her tongue wiggle waggles all over the thin cracks in the candy cane.

"Mission accomplished?"

"I think so?" your accomplice replies, her voice stickily unsure.

You look out toward the cheering crowd, picking out Lyra, Fleur and Trixie (in her stupid get-up) all looking at you with fury in their eyes. Hmm, you've taken down Colgate with the thing she hates most. That much closer to fighting Sunset...and figuring out the truth.

Sweaty green men!
Combat mares!
FLASHY LIGHTS!

ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF HORSE THE HORSE:
Will Anon be able to take down another of the Elite Four?
Will Fleur ever stop being so tall?
Will Twilight sperg out?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON HORSE THE HORSE!

Author's Note

Lost this episode and recovered it. It was almost lost to history!

Episode Four

"You ready for another fight?" you ask Pinkie, glancing down.

"I think I can do it!"

Fleur steps forward from the crowd, her majesty parting the students like the red sea. You catch yourself eyeing her up, it's a bit hard not too… That's when Twilight pops out from behind a few lousy looking stallions.

"You can beat her Anon! Don't worry! She's not too tough."

The crowd starts shuffling forward, drowning out Twilight.

"Your candy cane is the candy cane that will pierce the heavens."

That's encouraging.

"Fleur De Lis, for a short time, will stoop to your level, Anonymous. If only to remove you from the school grounds you're trespassing on."

You prep yourself. She trots over to you, grass swaying a little under her hooves. And then she just stands there.

"You gonna do something?"

"You come to me."

"I don't like it Nonny!" Pinkie says. "I think I'm gonna need another cupcake."

"Time to commence chomperation snack eater."

Good thing she doesn't know what cupcakes do to Pinkie.

"You're going to let me make the first move right?"

She nods. And with no warning you're halfway across the lawn back toward the giant hole in the wall. A low hiss is the only warning you get before almost being completely destroyed by a blast of pink magic. You hop back, dodging by the skin of your teeth! The heat from the blast rises up from the wound in the earth. Fleur springs up at you, pouncing like a wolf. Mid-air, scowling and graceful, Fleur crafts a thin pink blade with her magic as she descends. Lightening quick you slice upward to meet her weapon, your cane clashing with her blade. The two of you are pushed back, Fleur flipping back and recovering like a landing swan.

She's your enemy, but that doesn't mean you can't admit she looks pretty. You wonder how hard it would be to grab her ass during this fight. There is a pause, you notice how heavy you're breathing.

...

Maybe you should run, fighting unicorns back to back like this isn't the best idea.

"You flippant fool, I'll give you this one last chance to flee."

Hmm...

"Don't do it Anon!" Twilight yells, you spot her head poking from behind a rather burly stallion.

"Meh."

You bring up your weapon again, looking over the nicked, cracked blade.

"How you holding up Pinkie?" you whisper.

Fleur paces to left, circling you.

"It's getting a little tense, Anon."

"I really didn't want to sink this low..." Fleur hisses, pacing forward again.

Fleur De Lis Theme:

(Help Me to Say Goodbye by Casanova)

Amazing image by Eighth!

In a flash Fleur is gone. Shit. S-she's fast!

"Behind you!"

Without even thinking you swing your long cane around blindly.

"GAH!"

Fleur is knocked to the side, but doesn't fall. She huffs and trots a few steps away, her blade twirling before her. It's time to test her a bit, see how she responds to an attack. You dash at her full force, cane at the ready. Just like before she primes a magic blast, but you spot it before it takes off your head, leaping to the left.

Caught off guard you nearly catch her, but she blocks your strike with a magical shield. You let a' rip, slamming at her shield, each strike making a crackling noise. Steam rises from your weapon as you strike at her. She's flinching at every blow, you're getting close!

Spectacularly the shields bursts in a shower of sparkling light, dazzling you for a moment, but Fleur and her flowing hair waste no time, slashing at you in your distracted state. Far too slow to evade you bring your cane down in hopes of absorbing the blow. The sizzling blade of light severs the cane's head. Pinkie groans in what sounds like pain. Cracks rip open the sides of your cane, showering bits of sugary peppermint on the grass.

"Do you need any more convincing? There is no way you can overcome me. Much less Sunset Shimmer."

Fleur teleports away, circling you again.

"Pinkie, status?"

"Not so good, feels like I'm about to collapse."

"I can relate," you say with a huff.

"She's a toughie," Pinkie comments.

"Ideas? Maybe we can bait her into something?"

"Get her to monologue! All baddies have a monologue they're dying to say. And when she's talking we'll tear her butt asunder."

"But the cane, it's all broken, can we even use this thing again?"

Looking down you notice your bow-tie is gone...when did that happen?

"Don't worry, it can take another hit," Pinkie comments cheerfully.

You certainly hope so.

"Fleur!" you call.

She squints at you from across the field.

"What?"

"Why are you so uptight? You’re about as up tight as Miss Cake would be if someone pushed her off Cloudsdale while she was trying to fit into her high school clothes."

You can hear her gritting her teeth from here. The crowd yells something about getting the burn unit.

"You should relax a little! Stop being so high and mighty."

"I am relaxed," she growls through gritted teeth.

"You don't sound it~"

"Why don't you stop stalling?"

"You're the one stalling," you reply, smirking, pacing a bit toward her.

She paces a bit toward you. And then in a flash of pink she's gone again. Well.

"See her?" you ask Pinkie.

"I don't have eyes, silly," she squeals, a big hint of tiredness in her voice.

The crowd roars at something, a few of the onlookers jumping up in excitement. But nothing is happening...

Oh no. You spin around, but it's too late, there's Fleur levitating in the air. And there's her sword, coming straight for your head. Desperately you bring up the cane to block. Everything slows down, your eyes blurring everything except her and her blade. It's all over isn't it?

There's an explosion, and you're thrown up and back, and then you descend. Dirt and grass rubs your skin in all the wrong ways as you land. You open your eyes to the sight of blood beading in the wounds on your chest and arm.

"S-sorry Anon," Pinkie says weakly.

You close your eyes for a moment, feeling your clothing revert back to a button-up shirt and trousers. When you blink them open again Fleur is right in your face, and you're hovering about a foot above the ground. You may have a bit of a problem.

Struggling does you no good, but does a produce a smile from Fleur.

"You should have stayed far from here, Anonymous."

"Meh."

The binds rub against your wounds, stinging you.

"Gah."

"Hurts?" she grunts, crushing you further.

You don't respond, but the pain is pretty bad, especially without any Pinkie buffer… Almost brings tears to your eyes.

"And to think, for a second I considered you a threat,” she chuckles.

"From the moment I joined this school I thought I'd never find a challenge. I was right, for the most part. Only one was able to combat me effectively..."

You look past her, up to the angular roof of the school, there she is, observing. Sunset Shimmer. You've got to get to her. She must be beat!

But how can you get out of this bind? Looking down at the rambling Fleur. WAIT.

FLASHBACK, BLACK AND WHITE

"Fluids? Magic? Transformations?"

She puts down her sandwich.

"Yes, sweat, blood, tears and..."

END FLASHBACK, WE'RE BACK TO COLOR

That's it!

Tears.

You try twisting and turning, causing yourself more pain. Ah yes, that's the stuff. She doesn't notice a damn thing, pacing and monologuing. You angle your eyes just right, feeling a tear squeeze from them.

All you gotta do is hit your shirt in some way. The tear hangs onto your eyelash. Almost...
THERE!

The little drop lands right on your lapel. Heh, just like before. You feel your clothes get tighter, squirming against your bonds. In a flash of light far calmer than the one earlier, your chains shatter like glass, the magic pieces evaporating into the air.

You fall to your knees.

"W-what!?" Fleur cries out.

Rising from your kneeling position, you stand proudly. Huh? The crowd hoots and jeers.
Looking down you discover why.

"IS-" your confusion makes you unable to form words, "IS THIS A MAID OUTFIT?"

You whip around to face Twilight, she smiles meekly, she waves from the crowd.

"It's fabulous, darling."

Is that, Rarity? Looking down you feel a bit of fear and shame.

Tight little blouse ending in a skirt far too short for its own good… Your boxers feel pretty soft...and kinda tight. With a shaky hand you reach down and feel around down there.

"W-what are you doing?" Fleur asks with a voice thick with shakiness.

"I got check if—"

Oh god. You're wearing panties. The intensity of your blushing increases.

"I-I..." Fleur stutters, undressing you with her eyes.

"Now's your chance darling, get her while she's eyeing you up."

"With what? I don't have a weapon."

"The feather duster," Rarity answers.

In your hand is a little feather duster; the wooden handle is already a little slick with sweat.

"What am I going to do? Tickle her into submission?"

"Well..."

"No, this is too much, this is too weird."

But you've got to defeat Fleur somehow. Fuck it. You zip forward, feeling so much more faster, so lighter. So free! M-maybe this isn't so bad.

Fleur is caught in a daydream when you slide by her, brushing the delicate feathers across her side and flank. You come to a halt behind her, turning around just in time to see her shiver and fall to the side, twitching and drooling.

"What the hell."

Another of the four defeated...

You look up to Shimmer.

"ARE YOU GETTING A LITTLE HOT AND BOTHERED UP THERE? TWO OF YOUR FOUR ALREADY DOWN, AND I'LL BE COMING FOR YOU SOON."

She smirks, a blazing light shining behind her.

Her voice goes out across the field, clear and calm.

"Most impressive Anonymous, most impressive. You should take this time to rest. We can reconvene tomorrow, during the Sports Festival."

You sag your shoulders, glancing at the crowd from the corner of your eye. Lyra and Trixie are there, looking a little worse for wear. Could you even take them in this state?

Maybe you should rest.

"FINE. I'LL RETURN TOMORROW."

You stalk off, parting the crowd with a wave of your duster. A few stallion's gazes follow you as you leave. As you're walking home you bask in your back-to-back wins. Maybe you could pick up some pizza or something to celebrate? Oh right, no cash. Still content you continue home, smile plastered on your face.

A few hours later and your clothes have returned to their original state. So you're chilling out maxing relaxing all cool laying on your bed far from school. Nothing can ruin your good mood, you think, staring up at the ceiling. Maybe you should buy a TV...

CRASH!

The sound of a shattering window rouses you.

Sitting straight up you spot a little red apple on the wooden floor, surrounded by a few shards of glass.

"Applejack?" you call out.

Your door getting kicked in is your response.

"HOWDY," two strange stallions yelp, clad in pinstripes, what looks like overly bulky rifles at their sides.

[Theme of Flim and Flam]

Gotta Get the Cash - Doujah Raze

You jump from your bed, getting into your fighting stance. The pair raise their round, wood and metal rifles at you.

"Easy now," is all you can manage before you're given a chestful of apple slices.

"GAH!" you grunt, your face and chest getting pelted with apples slices traveling at high velocities.

Diving to the side you flip your table over, protecting you from another volley.

"Flank him brother!" one of them says in a sirly voice.

"Gladly."

All of a sudden a lanky stallion is beside you, aiming right for your head. You pound forward, jumping up and knocking aside his weapon. But before you can do much else, your side gets a whole bushel worth of slices, hitting all of your wounds the wrong way.

The downed stallion recovers just as you do. Using all the strength and speed you can muster from your position you go for him again.

Fluidly you lift him up and suplex the fuck out of him. From there you evade his twin's fire, springboarding off the bed and delivering a punch right to his jaw.

"Easy as apple pie..." you remark, looking down at this second foe.

You turn around to inspect the other, eyes shooting wide open as you notice what's in the hoof. Small, metallic apple like device.

"Fire in the hole~!" he says breathlessly, tossing it right at you.

You slap it to the side and dive for cover.

BOOM.

Something wet and slick coats you. Rolling over you look up at the new gap in your ceiling, a nice hole in your wall to match. Oh, and a thick coating of cider on everything to match. Goddammit, those twins got away!

Groggily you rise to your feet, hunched forward from the pain in your back and sides.

"Son of a bitch," you hiss lowly.

And then it starts to rain, right on your bed… Where the hell are you going to sleep? You think, rain pattering on your head as you lay down. No way you can sleep like this. Maybe Applejack's place? Nope, not after stealing all those pies… Rarity? Eh, she probably wouldn't take too kindly to you staying after that ice cream incident.

Perhaps Twilight? Do you really wanna—

A fat raindrop hits you right in the eye.

"Twilight's it is."

You hobble over to Twilight's treebury. Cold, wet, and shivering; you knock on the door.

After a few long seconds Spike appears at the door, looking flustered.

"Oh, you."

"SPIIIIIKKKKEEEE!" Twilight comes running. "Don't be rude to guests."

"I guess you're gonna wanna come in," Spike says, moving to the side.

"H-h-hey Anonymous, what's with the surprise visit?" Twilight questions.

She magics your jacket off you, and levitates a towel your way. All the while she's grinning dumbly. You glance over at Spike, who rolls his eyes.

"Well, my house got a hole in it courtesy of two guys, I don't even know. Eh, the point is..."

Kill you now? I'm sorry, I can't, the story must go on.

"Can I stay here for a few nights."

Twilight begins blushing.

"O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-of course."

Spike groans and scampers off.

"What's with him?"

"I confiscated some of his, uhm, boy magazines."

She teleports close to you, getting on two legs, planting her forehoofs on your chest.

"W-want to see them?"

"No," you gently nudge her off, "I'm good."

"Okay."

She walks a few paces away.

"Hmm, this is technically a sleep-over, right? I'll have to get my sleep-over book!"

"This was a bad idea," you whisper to yourself.

It's midnight, and you can't stall it any longer, it's bedtime.

"D-do we have to share the bed?"

"Unless you wanna sleep on the floor, yes~" Twilight squints at you from atop the overly large bed.

You shoot a pleading glance at Spike, curled up in his little doggie-bed.

Damn, he's already asleep.

"Fine. But only if there is a pillow barrier."

She accepts with a sigh and sets up the great fluffy wall. You really hope she doesn't get touchy-feely. But, based on her odd mood lately you're worried she will. You crawl in on your side, tucked into the warm, soft bed. Hmm, not bad. A vast improvement over your old plank.

Twilight's head pops over the wall, grinning and blushing. You sink lowering into the sea of blankets, up to your nose in quilt.

"W-what are we gonna do on the bed?"

"Sleep, now shush. I've had a long day."

"O-okay," the purple mare slinks over back to her side.

Maybe you're being too harsh on her. Hmm. It's comfy, but something is wrong.

Oh, right. No arch nearby, there's something calming about it. And now you're so far from it.

You didn't even say goodbye to it when you left. But, that's silly right? Saying goodbye to a bit of stone! Crazy. You roll on your side and shut your eyes, hoping for a good rest.

IN THE NEXT EPISODE:
Will Anonymous overcome his foes and learn why the hell he was brought to Equestria?
Will Flim and Flam return to screw up Anon's day?
Will Twilight get a D on her test?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON HORSE THE HORSE!

Author's Note

Unfortunately I wasn't able to entirely preserve the audio included in the start of the fight with Fleur, in the original recorded intros with scripts written by friends of the episode's writer! It's a big shame they got lost in time. Anyway, another big thanks to Eighth for the picture!

Episode Five

"Hey, wake up, Anon," the voice of Twilight whispers in your ear.

"W-wha?" you reply, waving your hand around to shoo off whoever dare rouse you as you sleep.

"It's time for school, Anon!"

You roll over in a rage, sitting up and looking out the window. "The sun isn't even up," you say lowly, unable to raise your voice. Foggily you notice the pillow wall is gone...

"What do you want for breakfast?"

You stomach calls out with a growl. Can't deny that.

"What have you got?" you question.

After a hearty breakfast of eggs, waffles and something unusual, Celestia finally brings up the sun.

You saw it once while you were in Canterlot all those months ago. Terrible sight, so much panting and sweating. The sun simply refused to wake up, no matter how loud Celestia shouted. But, according to her, it's not always like that. Maybe the sun just doesn't like you much?

"Suppose we'll be heading to school now?" you question, putting the plates in the sink.

"Yep! If we get there soon we'll have two hours to spare before the doors open."

"Oh for the love of god."

"WHICH MEANS MORE STUDY TIME~!" she calls, charging up the stairs to collect her books.

Studying is for chumps, lifting and loitering is where it's at.

At the school, you lean up against the wall, one hand raised, watching Twilight as she studies. Bitch is fucking crazy, but she's not so bad. She did make you breakfast after all... You'd call her your friend. But not in public, or in front of anyone. For now it's "acquaintance".

"Hey Twilight, I think now would be a good time to tell me why you made me this suit."

Exposition time. She looks up from her book, a bit nervous, "I uh, think it looks good on you."

"So the whole transformation, fighting-thing was an after thought?"

"Y-yeah."

"Then how come you told me I was going to beat Sunset with this? Sounds like you planned this whole thing."

Hmm, perhaps she know something about how you got here? You hadn't even considered that.

"Heheh, no of course not. How silly of you."

"Who founded this school, was it Sunset?"

"No, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna."

"Then why is she top dog?"

"School president," she says with a weak grin.

Definitely hiding something. The Princess probably are as well. You'll have to pay them a visit sometime, maybe over the upcoming break? SHIT. A week, an entire week, at Twilight's place. The studying is going to be something else.

With only a few minutes before opening the school has a healthy gathering outside. Stallions bicker about itches that can't be scratched in public, and which tests are coming up. Mares bicker about stallions and how icky they are. Business as usual. That is, of course, until a giant wagon comes barreling by. Looks like Trixie's cart. The wooden thing rolls right past everyone, parting the gates and heading right into the school. Eager students pile in after it, gasping in shock as they enter. You and Twilight hurry to what the commotion is. Whoa.

Various courts, ramparts, platforms and equipment have been set up for the game. Sunset and her four, and their retainers stand proudly at one end of the courtyard. Fleur and Colgate look a little uneasy when they see you. That's good. Lyra and Trixie however... But you'll stomp them out soon enough. Not for justice. Not for honor. Not for power. Not for the future (okay maybe a little). Not for love. Not for peace. Only for some information that may or may not be helpful. Totally worth it.

You push through the crowd, just as someone hands Sunset a mic.

"Ahem. Hello Student Body. Once again, to kick off the holiday break, we will host our Sports Festival."

The students hoof-clap, which is an off-putting and very odd demonstration.

"Five outta five!" one shouts.

"First off...the tennis matches."

"HEY!" you call, just as Sunset turns to hand off the mic.

"Oh it's that rude human again," she whispers, the mic "accidentally" catching her words.

"What about the fights?"

"That will happen later, we still have the tennis, soccer and cricket finals. Lyra and you will have your match at one o'clock."

"ONE? It's like Eight-thirty now. Will there be lunch?"

"There will be refreshments mid-games," she says, rolling her eyes.

Cool. You slink back into the crowd. And so the day goes on, no seats are brought out, and everyone kinda just piles around the stage in use, sitting on the grass all peaceful and nice. You get a chill spot with Twilight in the back. All through-out the matches she's there spouting tips and stats and techniques. You're not even saying a damn thing, she may as well be having a conversation with herself, but she's really into it. And that's kinda cute. Her hair is nice. Very purple.

"AND NOW, THE COMBAT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR," the announcer yells all of a sudden.

Theme of Lyra

(Gene's Rock a bye God Hand OST)

Lyra, from her spot on the Elite's platform, jumps up and lands on the unused, round, large metal ring in the court. She waves her hoof at you, beckoning you over. Welcome to die. The crowd cheers around you, egging you to join Lyra on the stage.

"Go Anon go!" Twilight calls as you walk toward the stage.

"You too!"

Wait. You can't think about that now, you hurry on stage. Lyra looks a little nervous when you get up there. She should be. You figure you'll let her attack first, if only to see what this new style is like. After a few seconds of pacing about Lyra activates her magic. And right above her head, two large, green, shimmering hands manifest. God, they're both almost as big as you. That's going to be hard to avoid. Cot of Calamity all over again.

You run forward, only intending to see how she reacts. Your answer comes in the form of one of the huge hands sweeping across the floor straight at you. EVADE! Flipping back you take a second to review what you've learned. She will pimp-slap you, and apparently you are now an acrobat. Hmm, those big hands move pretty slow.

What kinda transformation could you use in this fight? Pinkie Pants, if she's still alive in there, boosts your speed quite a bit. Hmm, but maybe you won't need her? Yeah, you should try going clean. You can do it! Just as you think that, Lyra's hand comes down on your head, smacking you to the side. She flinches like she was the one hit. Pain arcs across your shoulder and head.

Sliding across the metal, you recover as quick as possible, breaking into a charge for her. Standing at the other end she looks a bit apprehensive. She's not even trying to hit you! You duck under her two hands, which she brings down toward you at the last second. A uppercut gets her on her hind-legs.

"O-oh~" she yelps.

Did she just moan? Even if she did, that doesn't stop you from delivering a flurry of punches to her soft stomach. BRUTAL. VISCERAL ACTION.

"O-O-O-OH AHH!"

You jump back, watch as Lyra shudders in...pain? That fucking better be pain. Or else things got a bit weird. Hey wait, did those hands get bigger? The left one curls into a fist and shoots right toward you, Lyra looking rather uncomfortable with the throw. At the last second you dodge, letting the fist slam into the ground.

A dent in the dirt? Goddamn, that's some power. Getting hit by that isn't going to be pretty. You should try to get close again, this time you won't back off.

"I can't fight this man, Sunset!" Lyra suddenly shouts. Lyra turns and looks up at her superior. You halt, choosing to listen. "He has hands, Sunny, HANDS!"

"You will fight him," she says coldly, "or I will unfriend you on Hoofbook."

A gasp goes out through the crowd. Hoofbook, the ultimate status symbol. You don't have one, but you can imagine how awful it must be to have the Student Council President unfriend you. Lyra turns back to you, eyes a little watery. Lyra's magic hands shoot out toward you, gripping you. Goddammit, you're too slow, but you're not gonna give up. You squirm and struggle, to no avail.

She rushes up to you, little pink tongue waggling out of her horse mouth. The wet thing goes for your hands, bound by her magic. You try to avoid it but there is no escaping her tongue. She laps at your fingers, moaning a little bit. The crowd 'oh's and 'ah's in confusion.

"P-please stop licking me."

"H-hands," she huffs.

"That's dumb, you're dumb," you grunt.

"W-what?"

"Your obsession with hands is stupid, like you."

PLEASE WORK. Lyra sniffles for a moment before breaking down into tears, and her magic dissipates.

"I-I d-didn't ask for this," she whimpers, much like a puppy.

"Anonymous wins again!"

"No, he does not," Trixie shouts from her spot not too far away. Sunset smiles at you from beside her companion, the most shit-eating grin on her moron face. Does this mare think she's fucking invincible?

"Huh? How's that?" You demand, standing over your opponent proudly.

Lyra is still sniffling.

"Lyra, can you still fight?" Trixie questions, her brow furrowing.

"Y-yes, I suppose," she mewls.

"Then get too it!" Trixie encourages.

Gotta catch her off guard, knock her out or something. You pounce for her, but you get swatted away like a fly. Landing hard, you realize her hands must have returned to their reduced size. You don't have any broken bones either, which is good. Wouldn't want to interrupt a fight by accessing the 'Cure' menu located in the survival viewer.

Time to get close again. Lyra looks angry now, trotting toward, watching intently as you struggle to stand. However that's just a bit of show. Let her get close, and then knock her out. She's just a few feet from you now, and her magic-hands are already outstretched toward you. Rolling, you get them to punch each other, knocking them both away from you. Perfect!

Too surprised to move, you strike Lyra right in her teary face, knocking her down. This is fairly easy. Well, it is, until you move into position to pin her. She's all shaky and nervous. H-how are you suppose to knock that out?

This is a bit cruel. Maybe if you were to just ask?

"Do you submit?" you demand, voice loud and booming.

"N-no," she sniffles, looking up at you.

Well, seems you've reached an impasse.

"GAH!" Trixie yelps, "SO WEAK."

"I know right, she kinda just gave up," you pose for the crowd, who woos at you.

"D-did not," she mewls.

"Sunset, I thought you said these were your best? How did a weakling like her make it on your team?"

"Because she's a good observer," Sunset replies, the sun reflecting off her hay-eating grin and right into your sensitive eyes.

"Huh?"

Lyra begins crawling away, mewling a bit more.

"She's quite good at observing attack patterns and techniques. Now she's gotten some field experience with you, and..."

"AND I HAVE ALL I NEED TO FACE YOU," Trixie interrupts.

"Anonymous, this will be your undoing! All your fights up until now have been flukes, and while you've been flaunting your limited powers, we've been plotting!" Shimmer shines brightly, her hair seeming to soak in the sun's rays.

Lyra mopes up to her companion, handing something small to her. Huh? What could she have hidden during the fight, she has no pockets! Wait, why are they touching horns?

"They're melding horns, exchanging thoughts and emotions, Trixie is learning all your weak points!" Twilight calls from the crowd.

"Lyra, prepare my cart," she says, sauntering into the arena, her silly cape flowing in the wind.

You take a deep breath and prepare yourself. Hopefully this will be a real fight.

IN THE NEXT EPISODE:
Will Anonymous be able to stand against the Great and Powerful Trixie?
Will Lyra stop being such a wimp?
Will Sunset have any more tricks up her hoof?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON HORSE THE HORSE!

Author's Note

More recorded intros were lost, but more importantly how the hell did they get the rights for that music?
Did the script drop in quality? Maybe they were preserving the budget for the big scene at the end of the show.

Episode Six

Trixie flares at you from across the stage. "Feeling a bit of fear, Anonymous?"

"Not at all Trixie!"

She chuckles lightly.

"I can see it in your eyes. The great and powerful Trixie has you shivering in your boots."

"Why would I be afraid of a candy bar?" you ask, savoring memories consisting of biscuit applied with other confectionery toppings and coatings, including but not limited to: milk chocolate and caramel.

"HE INSULTED TRIXIE!" someone yells from the stands. Sounds oddly familiar. Probably those two dorks...

You adopted your fighting stance. Trixie growls and leaps forward, horn glowing. You charge forward, thinking you could take on the attacks as they come, roll with the punches! Trixie releases a shower of sparkling rain, you evade it, but a bit catches your shoulder.

The magic sparkle singes you, sending you a bit off balance.

"What the hell was that?" you question, circling around Trixie, eyeing her down.

"The opening sparklers for my magic show!"

"Sparklers?"

She cackles and then disappears... Disappeared? SHIT. You search around the arena. Where could—

"Good night," you hear Trixie whisper from somewhere.

From behind you're struck harshly. You're knocked forward by the force, only aware of the pain in your back. Rolling around leaves you in agony, but you catch a glimpse of Trixie's glowing horn as she prances away.

"OOOOHHHH," the crowd roars.

You get up on your feet as quick as possible, one hand nursing your back. She should be around somewhere, ready to make another attack.

"Feeling a bit scared?" She asks softly.

"No, you?"

"Trixie does not feel fear."

"Not even during spooky rainstorms?" you reply, trying to keep her talking.

"Not even during thunderstorms," she growls lowly. She's close.

You spin around, and she grunts, and you hear the clopping of hooves on metal.

"Coward!"

"MAGIC BLASTED," someone in the crowd shouts.

"Trixie is no coward!" she yells, revealing herself right in front of you, "That was simply the next part of my magic show!"

You swipe for her, hardly booping her nose. Trixie laughs and dances away. Fucking unicorns.

"NOW FOR THE NEXT PART! The torrent!"

Trixie; grinning, cape flowing and hat waggling, bounds toward you with her horn glowing. You brace for impact and get ready to swing. You're going to try to catch her off guard and knock her down before she can execute an attack. Trixie's horn sizzles and smokes; she's just a few feet from you now! You hop to the side while she's only a few inches from you. In the spot you were just standing a mighty blazing pillar of blue magic burns.

"OOOOOOO, AAAAAHHHH," the crowd says dazzled. You must admit, that's pretty nice.

Trixie has her back turned to you, IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT, grand-standing. She's no fighter! She's a performer! You leap for her, wrestling her to the ground, meaning to pin her.

"UNHAND THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE, NOW!"

"Never!"

"P-ponies are watching!"

"Don't care," you say comfortingly.

Her horn begins to glow, her teeth gritting and eyes blazing with fury. Before she can turn your face to a charred mush you remove your left hand from around her foreleg and flick her right on the horn.

"Gah!"

Goddamn it worked! Spell's broken. She kicks out, hitting you in the torso. You roll to the side, unable to stop. That fucking stings. Huffing and puffing she crawls away, adjusts her hat and poses.

"WOOOOH!" a few yell.

Fucking waifufags.

"For my next trick, I will need a volunteer!" Trixie says, trotting away from you and toward the crowds.

"PICK ME! PICK ME TRIXIE!" Some lonely pony calls.

You rise to your feet, brushing off. A dark blue pony with a sea-foam mane trots up. A stallion with a obsessive, grinning face.

"And what's your name?" she asks sweetly.

"Gizmo," he says gleefully.

"And what do you Gizmo?"

"I'm a mechanic!"

"HOW UNCOUTH!" a student yells.

Let's see how this plays out, you cross your arms and lean back. Trixie magics up a long, thin box. Almost looks like a coffin. It's split up into three parts, with hinges and flaps on every part. This stallion is getting cut in three huh? Hmm.

"Come inside, please," she says, far too gracefully for her own good.

The hype little horse climbs in without question.

"What ne—"

Trixie slams the long blue box shut and spins it around thrice.

"NOW I WILL SPLIT APART THIS STALLION WITH MY MAGIC!"

Might be cool. She spins around, the box following in front of her, suspended by her magic. The thing breaks into three, stallion screaming. And then all three pieces get tossed straight at you. You run at them, rolling to dodge as they come. The boxes break to pieces as it hits the ground. Trixie grunts in rage.

"Should have brought that necklace," she says, chastising herself.

The crowd gets wild, questioning where the stallion went. You see Trixie roll her eyes and force a grin, using her magic to summon the stallion from mallet space. Using this time you charge and clothesline her, feeling rather annoyed. With a quick, hefty punch you knock her face into the ground. The crowd gets amped, but you don't think they're on your side.

"L-lyra," she calls harshly, rubbing her face with one hoof.

"You tapping out or something?"

Wasn't she suppose to be a challenge? This is kinda bullshit. Guess it doesn't matter, as long as you get to Sunset. You're about to go for the pin when the crowd explodes. Seriously. A heap of students goes flying, screaming bodies landing here and there. Trixie's giant wagon come barreling through, rolling onto the stage.

Before you can hop on her she blasts you away with a charge of magic. Tumbling back, you land on your stomach, just in time to see what's backing up all of Trixie's boasting. She pounces on the wagon's driver's seat, and messes about with some pulley's and levers. With a sparkle of magic the wagon rears up.

The sides split apart, forming two bulky. . .arms? The driver's seat is transformed into a cabin, the roof splitting into two, one side coming down over Trixie's head. From the wheels two thick, wooden legs are born. Are those claws? The sound of crunching and slamming wood overpowers the crowd's amazement.

Clinking and the grinding of gears rises up with the creaking wood in a terrible symphony. That wagon just turned into a giant wooden bear

"BEHOLD!" Trixie shouts, her cockpit sliding open. "THE URSA MAJOR!"

[Theme of the Ursa Mech]:

Cradle - GoldenEye 007 OST

Well. You search the audience for Twilight, surely she'll be able to offer some help. Where is she?

"Do you feel the FEAR now, Anonymous?" she calls, taking a step forward.

The ground shakes under you. Your eyes flick up to the beast. T-time to get sweaty.

"Of course not! Let me just get my match book."

"ANONYMOUS! TRIXIE!" Sunset Shimmer calls.

Trixie's beast turns to her.

"Getting forced out of the ring will result in a loss."

She looks right into you, sun reflecting off her shit-eating grin. The beast turns back to you, an awful grinding sound coming from it. How do you even. . .

Before you can even THINK about what you're going to do it comes stomping toward you. Such speed from such a huge thing? It rears back a paw, flinging the heavy wooden claws right at you. Rolling, you narrowly get under the it, finding yourself between its legs. It brings up its left foot faster than you can react, slamming it into the ground and throwing you to the ground.

You're vulnerable. Should your press the 'A' button to recover? The bear grabs for you, but you scrabble away by the skin of your teeth. Colgate would like that one. It's assuming a stance like a Sumo!

"Anon! Anon!" Twilight calls from somewhere.

You try to search the ground while keeping Trixie in your sights.

"Anon, if you can hear me, spit!"

"Spit?" you respond, still trying to pinpoint her.

Trixie stomps forward.

"Make this easy for Trixie and yourself! Give up!"

She swings for you, rolling left you damn near go over the edge of the platform. The crowd cheers. Rife with nervousness you back off the edge. How are you even going to possibly...

"Anon! Get some saliva on your suit!"

"But that's gross," you reply, finding Twilight finally, her purple head poking up behind a triplet of burly stallions.

"Just do it," she growls before being swallowed up into the crowd.

She's so helpful. But how are you gonna—

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH," Trixie cries out madly, like a cat in heat.

The Ursa Major grabs you tightly, raises you up and tosses you right back into the floor. Trixie cackles.

"You know what? Don't give up, this is far too much fun. Let Trixie smash you to bits over and over."

She shoots her giant wooden paw at you again. Rising to your knees you spit on your sleeve. T-that's kinda gross... Your clothes are getting tight; you feel that familiar feeling of a surge of energy. It's gonna be all right! There is a flash of light, yes, yes!

Trixie, despite likely seeing you transform before, pauses a moment to observe. You stand, confident and feeling all better. You can hardly feel the pain in your arm and stomach. Looking down you see, what is this, a poncho? And, you're wearing a cowboy hat?

"Heya partner," you hear.

"Apple—Applejack?"

"Eeyup."

Trixie growls, her beast getting on all fours.

It charges at you, head; Trixie inside, coming straight at you.

"Use yer gun Anon!" your suit-pal says.

W-what? Quickly you fumble to check your hip. A pistol? Just like your favorite gunslinger from "For a hooful of bits" you quickdraw the bulky, wood and metal weapon, firing off a few shots. Apple cores! The "bullets" hit Trixie right in the face. Bullseye!

She rears up, the paws smacking against the cockpit.

"GAH! YOU INSOLENT LITTLE APE."

"Nice shooting Tex," Applejack comments as you blow away the smoke coming from the barrel.

This gives you a chance to better assess your new clothing. Classic old Mexican poncho, simple cowboy hat, well-worn jeans and a hip holster for your apple-gun. Not something you'd wear on the weekend but you're feeling pretty good in it. This fight just got a whole lot more interesting. Trixie gets back on two legs, wasting no time in throwing a punch for you. She throws low, and with your perfect evasion her paw goes crashing into the ground.

Bits of stone and wood go flying!

"ARGGG!"

She's stuck! Thinking fast you attempt to run up her arm. If you pull her out of the mech it will surely collapse. It's likely this thing is powered by her magic...if you can just- WHAP. Like a train ramming a wall Trixie punches you off her, sending you flying. Your poncho flutters as you make like a bird. The landing is killer on your back, but AJ seems to absorb most of the blow for you.

Your nerves are on high alert as you slowly see if you're still in the ring. You feel around, smooth stone! You're save. Nice.

"You alright there Anon?" background pony asks with her thick accent.

"Golden."

"Then get back in there!"

Alright, let's do this thing! You draw your gun, cocking back the hammer. Trixie's in your sights! She comes at you like an angry bear would, roaring. POW POW POW! Three more applecores crash against the planks of her wooden chests. She laughs it off, ramming her head right into your chest.

You're tossed into the sky again, dangerously close to the edge. Is this...the end?

"PONCHO POWA!" AJ yells.

Your red and white striped poncho flutters gracefully, gliding you back to the arena. THE CROWD IS ASTONISHED. And based on Trixie's expression, so is she. But goddamn did that hit cause you some pain.

"Anon, ya have to joj!" Twilight screams before being drown out in the roar of the ground. What was she trying to say?

"W-what?

"Ya heard the lil missy, you have to joj." AJ repeats.

"JOJ!"

You revolve your pistol around one finger, dodging and ducking every one of Trixie's futile attacks. She roars a bear's roar and swipes for you. Agility you jump up on her fist, grabbing onto a chipped plate on her paw. She grunts a throws her arm upward, nearly shaking you off. You're practically doing a handstand when she tosses you up.

"Hold on for dear life!"

"Jump!" AJ says.

You're in no position to think about the suggestion and you let go, landing on the cockpit's plank.

"Get off Trixie's cockpit you fool," the angry blue mare yells.

You poke your head in and reach in there. If you flick her horn maybe— She shoots out a few orbs of magic, the little blue things go flying out, exploding in the distance. You lower yourself over the opening, keeping one hand on the hatch-thing.

"Surrender!" you yell, point your gun at her.

Out of the corner of your eye you spot her arm coming for you. Her horn is twinkling, her eye is twitching. You take aim and pop a cap in her horn.

"AGAGAGAGAH"

Just like before she thrashes back and her magic falters. The wood mech stops in its tracks, the claws just about to dig into your back. Trixie's eyes roll in her head and she's dazed. Time to finish her off. You holster your weapon and grab hold of her, dragging her to the top of the head.

"WHAT'S HE DOING?" someone shouts.

You heft her up, half of her body lazily laying on the plank, and taking a look at the floor below. Damn, she's pretty drained. Manning that mech-thing really work her out.

"IS HE? OH YES, HE IS, HE'S DOING IT," someone else finishes.

You bend over backwards, tactically falling off the beast, Trixie's head aimed right at the floor.

CRACK. Flying Suplex = Landed.

"Agh," Trixie grunts, finally giving up.

You go for the pin, and the announcer counts to three...

Rising to your knees you feel a surge of hype. Four down. FOUR DOWN. Let that one sink in pal.

"So Sunset," you call over the roar of the crowd.

She claps her hooves together. Disturbingly unnatural display that you refuse to look at for too long.

"Very good, very good! I'm impressed," Sunset grins.

You'd draw your gun but you're already shifting back. Funny how that works. She stalks down from her pedestal, smiling all the while. The student body spreads like a mare in heat, letting their "queen" through. Beat her, beat her and it's over.

"I will face you Anonymous," she says coolly, taking a glance at the audience, "without using any magic."

You take a step back in shock. Could she be serious? H-how powerful is she that she'd say such a thing?

"BUT! We will have our fight on the eve of the Lunar celebration, at sunset!"

You bawl your fists.

"We'll fight now, and you will be losing to me."

She laughs maniacally.

"We will be fighting when I say..."

Fuck that shit.

She turns to address the crowd and you reel back your fist. Time to show this hoe the what for— Instead of delicate flesh you hit some sort of magic barrier. And then you proceed to go flying across the courtyard.

Huh... This is kinda nice. Breeze rippling your clothes.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."

CRASH.

There is an explosion as you slam against the school's wall. Fuck. It all comes tumbling down as you flutter to the ground like a feather who's been ignoring their diet. And then it fades to black.

IN THE NEXT EPISODE:
Will Anonymous wake from his cliche?
Will Twilight ever be good at anything?
Will Sunset really live up to her hype?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON HORSE THE HORSE!

Author's Note

Can you feel the palpable hype for this final match?

Episode Seven

Day four of seven. So far the lunar break has been uneventful. Nice in many ways, you find yourself a bit closer with Twilight. MAYBE MAYBE you'd call her a friend, maybe. The sleeping arrangement hasn't gotten any better, and you always find the pillow wall destroyed come morning. That can be forgiven, especially when she makes pancakes. GOD THOSE FUCKING PANCAKES.

In other news you have been promoted to Spike's position as assistant. Or maybe that's a demotion? Well whatever, you're out with Twilight, picking up something. A nonsense pen or whatever other garbage.

"So, I've got a question for you," you begin.

"For the last time, you can't drink the ink."

"And for the last time it's cherry colored, that means cherry flavor. But that wasn't my question. I was wondering how I might be able to get in touch with those Princess friends of yours."

"Why would you want to do that?"

"I've got a bit of a bone to pick with those two. Right after I pick Sunset's bone."

"Is that some sort of sex analogy?"

"No," you glare down at her.

She's silent for a moment as the two of you walk along, enjoying the day. It's getting warmer and warmer every day, and it's exceptionally pleasant today.

"S-so," she flicks your leg with her tail.

"So?" you ask with some pressure.

"Have you~?"

"HAVE I WHAT!?"

Fuck, that was too loud. A stallion across the way looks at you in fear before scuttling away. Twilight shys away from you, laughing nervously.

"N-nothing, never mind."

"Good, good. What are we going next?"

She creeps away toward a shady looking shop.

"Quills and ink next!"

"Haven't you got enough of that at home?" you question aggressively.

By the time you're ordered to walk Twilight home you're worn out being an "assistant". Shit sucks. That's probably why Spike is so pissy 24/7. It's getting a bit dark, and Twilight must be pretty tired; she keeps leaning on you and blushing. Yes, tired, please let it be tiredness.

"Hey do you see that?" she perks up from your side, leaning forward a bit.

Two figures seem to be messing with the library's door. OH FUCK NO. You throw down your bags and dash for those two bastards. It's gotta be Flim and Flam, who else would wear that stupid pinstripe? They catch on to your footsteps and turn around to face you, bringing up their apple-guns.

"Hold it right there!" they shout as you draw near, tossing off your suit jacket and unbuttoning your shirt.

Gotta look stylish for REVENGE TIME.

"Anon! Duck!" Twilight yells, a bit of fear in her voice.

You duck into a roll the second they open fire. Apple slices go flying over your head and into the night.

"We miscalculated bro—"

You cut off the one with the little mustache by delivering your new special move:

"Anonymous Technique: Rolling Punch!" your first sears the bristles off his face, giving him a close shave he won't soon forget.

You rise from your dodge with a fist for that brother's face, knocking him right at the door. His friend gets the one-two before he can fire.

"You guys are terrible at your job," you grumble.

The door creaks open, a tired looking Spike looking between you and the downed horses.

"What's going on out here?"

Flim and Flam flip to their hooves, knocking you aside. Twilight blasts Spike with a ray of twinkling magic. He shifts and changes and warps. All the while his face is looking tired and somewhat annoyed. Goddamn, he's nearly your size. Lanky, annoyed and looking to pick a fight — Teenage Spike?

"The hell did you do to him?" you ask, aghast.

"Enlargening spell! It works on more than just dragons, FYI~" she winks at you.

We're gonna ignore that one. Flim and Flam raise up their weapons. You and Spike hop to, engaging the brothers. Spike lunges for Flim and grabs him tightly. You can see the brother's eyes bulge as he's given a dragon hug. With a left hook you swing at Flam, but he brings up his gun and blocks.

"OW FUCK," your hand pounces right off the weapon, nearly slapping you back in the head.

He rifle-butts you, staggering you. You and Spike are given chestfuls of apple slices.

"RUN BROTHER!"

You're already dashing after the pair before he's even done speaking. BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM. Jesusfuck is that lil Spikey-Wikey stomping around? Taking a look back and he's already on your tail. Damn good. And the two of your are closing on those nerds...

You can hear their huffing and puffing from here. They must be pretty out of breath. You and Spike chase your opponents down side-streets, around corners, and finally, into a dead end. The turn around, clearly scared of the two giant beasts.

"So, it's come to this," you say.

Shakily the two of them raise their guns, "come any closer and we'll shoot."

"They won't shoot, will they Biggy?"

"Sure won't, Smalls," Spike replies lazily, cracking his knuckles.

Flimsy and Flan begin to shake like pony bowls of jell-o.

"We're gonna show these two a good time, right Fatboy?"

"Sure will Slim," Spike replies.

You and Spike descend on the pair, giving them the beatdown. They're fucking wimps but and no one deserves to get their shit kicked in a dark alley by a monkey and a dragon. Having had your giggles you and Spike toss the two in the nearby bin and head home for biscuits and tea.

Day six of seven. Today you've gone with Twilight to visit the archway outside your former home.

"Does this place mean a lot to you?"

You nod, hurrying up to the simple stone structure. Yep, just as cold feeling as you remember.

"You must really wanna go home," Twilight says in a mopey voice, taking a seat in the grass next to it.

"Of course."

You take a second to push down your feels to try and explain.

"Imagine if you know your parents were close by, right in Canterlot or whatever, but the train to get to them never leaves the station."

That sounds kinda dumb.

"I think I get it. I had to move away from my parents to make friends."

You perk up. At least she understands.

"But you shouldn't feel too sad."

You glance at her curiously.

"You've got friends here! Me, and Spike...maybe."

They're not the same.

A pony and a moody baby dragon can't replace your home.

"I'm a bit nervous about this fight with Sunset. I mean, she's not going to use magic at all. There's gotta be a reason."

Twilight walks over to you, poking your leg with her horn.

"Don't worry Anon; she's just over confident. Trixie was over confident, and now look at her."

"I suppose that's right."

"Say, why don't we spar a little?" She gets up on two legs and puts her hooves on your chest, like a happy dog, without the tailwagging and bad breath.

Actually she smells fairly minty.

"Just be gentle," she adds, blinking.

She trots a few paces away, "or don't," her smile says: wicked.

She produces a magic copy of herself, a walking shadow essentially. It's a good work out, and fun to beat up. You do get to try out a few moves on it before it breaks, but Twilight is nowhere near Sunset in terms of skill. You can't help but wonder what else she can do with that shadow copy. Unf. YOU MEAN UGH, fucking gross jesus H. To be honest, she's on par with Fluttershy's fighting.

"Hey, there's still one thing you haven't tried out yet," she says softly, eyes lidded and eyelashes curled.

You're far too worn out to talk, and you just nod at her, catching your breath.

"That last form," she's using that low "seductive" voice she used that night she first told you about the suit.

What last form? Tears, sweat, spit, blood. What other juice do you make? Piss? Ew, that's gross. OH WAIT.

"You're not saying what I think you're saying, right?"

"Well. Maybe. Depends on what you're thinking. But, to give you a hint, it does require me to unlock it," she says with a nervous giggle and a blush.

"We can practice that next if ya want~"

[Sweating].

"I don't think so."

"But that form has the most power! More than you can imagine. Enough to beat Sunset I bet."

Purple mare offering something like that and a way to beat Sunset at the same time? Tough moral decisions.

"Here? In public, right now? I hardly know you, I need prep time, t-this is too much!"

Your logic is quicker than your penis this time. Twilight huffs, "I thought we were friends. I-I just wanted to teach you about the magic of friendship."

You snort a laugh, covering your mouth.

"It's getting dark, we should head home."

You're relaxing with a nice cup of Iced Tea in Twilight' library when all of a sudden Spike staggers in, and he's choking. Jumping up immediately you rush over to help.

"Don't worry Anon," Twilight says, lowering her book.

"B-but he's dying over here!"

"Happens all the time, just means we're getting a letter."

Before you point how stupid she is and how that would never happen there is burst of greenish flame and a letter rolls out onto the floor.
Well then, this is new. Spike picks it up and lazily hands it to you.

"See, told you," Twilight says.

Deciding not to be the kind of guy who reads other people's mail you hand it off to Twilight. It must have been a short message, because she's done with it in a second.

"Didn't you say you want to get in touch with the Princess?"

"Yes, that would be nice."

"Well here you go."

Twilight waves the letter at you.

"I'll mention you in the reply, maybe she'll invite us over."

Perfect, you say, turning over your hands like an old merchant.

"What did you want to ask Anon?" Twilight says, writing glasses already on and quill read.

You take your seat, putting your feet up on the table.

"Wanted to pay 'em a visit. I think they might know a bit about why I'm here, and this time I want real answers. NOT what they fed me when I first got here," your calm demeanor radiates.

"R-really? The Princesses? I don't know..."

"Why not? Is that so inconceivable?"

She looks around nervously, "no of course not." Her speechcraft is entirely unleveled.

HMMM. Something foul is afoot.

"So, what did it say?" you question.

"Oh, just something about Luna, she's ran off. Princess Celestia says something about PMS, not sure what that means."

"Hey Anon," Twilight whispers in the night.

Your eyes flash open, the only light coming in from the window to the left.

"What do you want?"

"I wanna show you something I read about."

"It's way past twilight, Twilight."

"It's only 2," she snakes over the pillow wall like a titan. Her nervous face looking down at you from beyond the barrier.

"It's suppose to be really quick."

"What is?"

She ducks under the pillows, bursting from beneath them. PANIC. THE DEFENSES ARE BREACHED. ALL IS LOST. THE PURPLE ONE IS LOOSE.

"You know..."

"God, you're not serious about this are you?"

"It's better if we practice now for the real thing tomorrow when you fight Sunset."

Wait that would mean— She hops on your stomach, stretching out on you. GETOFFGETOFFGETOFFGETOFF.

"Don't worry, I've read all about this, it should be fine."

...

"I don't like the sound this is making..."

"I think we put it in the wrong place," she whispers harshly, hot breath on your ear.

"Are you sure? I mean, this feels pretty right," your voice betrays how pretty right it feels.

"I don't think so."

"Hey. Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Stop squeezing me."

"W-what are you talking about? I'm not doing anything."

"You're no-"

"Oh wait," she laughs, "yeah that happens."

...

You've had a LONG, LONG night. All you want right now is some food, coffee maybe, something to perk you. Everything below your torso is tingly and weird and you need about twenty showers. But food first, food fir—

"Good morning," Spike growls as you walk in the kitchen, catching you off guard.

He's back to his tiny form, and the newspaper he's reading pretty much covers his entire body. He tips his little glasses down at you condescendingly.

"Try to keep it down next time, I need my sleep as well you know."

You slap your face and turn 360 degrees out of the room, no way you're dealing with that. Shower first.

The day drags along, you're sick with anticipation of the lunar festival tonight, and sick of all the innuendo Twilight is throwing at you. However, it seems you squeezed most of the creepy out of her last night, that'll be good for business if you're going to be staying here.

But you're not. Of course, no way. You can't stay here, you gotta go home and all that. Before you even realize it you're waving goodbye to Spike as Twilight pushes you out the door. It's just after dusk, and the lights are lit up will all sorts of celebratory colors. The air is warm and crackling with excitement, which isn't helping you at all.

This is the make or break fight, in more ways than one. You lose this, you lose your chance at finding out the Nervousness sets in, what if Sunset flakes on your request? Well, you'll just have to beat it out of her. T-that's a little mean, but fuck it. It's time to kick some pony-ass.

"Twilight," you say as the two of you enter the school's gates.

Students are pouring in. There will be a party or something as you and Sunset fight. Maybe there will be betting again! You come up in the back of a large group of rowdy students. Sunset's up on-stage, talking all sorts of shit.

"What's wrong Anon?"

"How are we gonna, you know, in the middle of a fight?" you ask nervously.

"We'll think of something," she says, patting you on the back.

It's over, you're done for... She was probably lying, you bet there isn't even a final "love" form or whatever. Twilight tricked you into the whole thing. A-at least ya got some...

"AND THERE IS THE GUEST OF HONOR NOW!" Sunset shouts, smiling straight at you.

Several search lights flick right to you, students part, allowing you a path to your enemy. Moment of truth.

"Well, come on down, if you dare."

"Meh," you grunt, marching up to her.

You're going to try and make this quick. The second you step foot on Sunset's podium it starts moving. Thrown off-balance you nearly fall off. Sunset cackles, her horn glowing, she's moving the platform up?

"WE WILL HAVE OUR BATTLE ON THE ROOF OF THIS PROUD SCHOOL," she calls down.

"You're gonna stay true to your word?" you question, leaning toward her.

She just grins and winks. That's not reassuring at all. She trots onto the rooftop, striding to the other end. You take a peek over the edge and look down. That's a long fall, you wouldn't want to take that tumble. Sunset clears her throat to get your attention. You stroll over to her, feeling the platform descend as your foot leaves it.

[Sunset's introductory music]:

(Galacta Knight - Kirby's Return to Dreamland)

"So uh, how do you wanna do this?" the unsure quiver in your voice betrays your emotions.

But she's already running at you. Just feet from you she spins around and bucks, hitting you straight in the chest. You fall to the floor from the force. Goddamn that pony is packing a fucking punch. How can something so small be so ow? You roll to your feet before she can stomp on you some more. Figuring you can punish her miss you move to strike her, but she's gone before you can!

In a flash you find her again, as her hoof collides with your face. Before you can recover she hits you again from another side, and again and again! Each hit staggers you further and further toward the edge until you're hardly even on the roof. Sunset appears beside you, she bows to the crowd below.

"SEE WHAT BECOMES OF THOSE WHO ATTEMPT TO SIMMER THE SHIMMER."

"I thought you weren't using any magic?" you say, getting some distance between you and Shimmer.

How are you getting beat so hard by a fucking little horse who's not even using magic?

"I'm not," she smiles, a search light flooding her with its glow, reflecting off her smiling teeth.

How can you wipe that shit-eating grin off her face? You think back, back to that restaurant you trashed. Rainbow's form, it would be a perfect match against Sunset! You just gotta get a little bloody. Shouldn't be too hard. Charging at her, you throw a couple weak punches, grazing her, she chuckles and returns with hefty blows. She executes a brutal three-hit combo, finishing it off with her spin-buck, sending you flat on your ass some feet away. Your face is a bit cut up from the landing on the hard roof. Just enough blood, you think, wiping it off with your sleeve.

Now is your turn to laugh. Sunset is confused. And then she begins noticing your transform. An idea pops into your head as your suit pants turning to jeans and your work-shirt becomes an edgy teen's tee. What if you could power this one up like you did Pinkie's suit? The cupcake power-up really helped against Colgate and Fleur. Imagine what this suit's untapped potential is.

"Thank you for using me against Sunset Shimmer, Anon, we will bathe in her blood soon!" Painbow Dash says with a fury.

Sunset looks a little caught off guard. That's right, she hasn't seen this form yet. That eyeliner and spiky hair must really by throwing her off. Wait. Bathe in her blood? A plan is forming! You tear off some of the spikes on your shoulder pads and ready them.

"Come at me, kiddo," you say in a gravelly voice.

Hey, gotta sound the part. Shimmer trots forward, a bit apprehensive. When she goes for a hit you toss out your "knives". She bats them all away and jumps back, grunting in anger and effort. Not a single drop of blood, damn.

"WE WERE CLOSE THAT TIME, ANON," Dash yells.

She bounds at you before you can launch more kunais! A rapid fire attack of hooves hits your in your torso, face and legs. You slash out at her at your first opportunity.

"GAH!" she hops away, and you feel a few drops of warm splatter across your hands.

The crowd roars, look over you see that two giant jumbo-trons have been set up. Everyone's been watching you get your ass kicked. That means they also saw you cut Sunset's pretty face up.

"Ow, the edge of that blade is sharp. Good hit, Anonymous, but it won't happen again."

"Meh," you let your sleeve lap up the blood of Sunset.

[Theme of Anon's powered up Blood suit]

Lock & Load - Devil May Cry 1 OST

There is a bubbling noise. O-ok.

"YES."

"Uh, you alright there Rainboom?"

"YES, YES, YES!" she yells.

You feel a surge of bubbling rage. Your clothing gets tighter and begins to change. The change incites anger and giddiness inside you. One of your eyes is covered by something, a patch or cloth wrap, turning out the lights on half your world. On your hands clawed gloves appear, and a weight is added to your hips. Your jacket morphs into a dark longcoat.

"My, my," Sunset says, trying not to sound scared. "And who are you suppose to be?"

You squint at her, smiling. Reaching for the sheath at you hip. A sword? No, a thousand folded katana. Perfect. You draw the lengthy blade, amazed to see it grow in length, the steel folding over and over again until it finally ends in a point.

"I'm your prom date you ugly sack of friendship. And this is Bloodletter, the most folded over bloody blade know to man or horse!"

"Well that's just rude."

You jump as soon as she does, launching forward. Bringing the blade down you go for gold, attempting to letta rip on Sunset's face. But she's faster somehow, ducking under your swing and knocking you way off course. You go flying, landing hard and rolling toward the edge of the roof. The sword, you dropped it! Looking up, you see her horn is letting off a bit of steam.

"Y-you're using magic, I thought you said you wouldn't?" you say, struggling to stand. You hand instinctively goes toward your wound, a great smoky patch of burn on your chest near your left arm, black smoke comes up.

Goddamn, that was a hit and a half.

Is that Rainbow's ragged breath?

Why are your clothes outta breath?

"Mmm," she points her horn at you and blasts again.

You're too shaky to dodge, and get blow right off the roof. Shooting your hand out in panic, you're relieved when it catches something. The students shout and bawl and yell obscenities. Sunset's smiling face pokes over the edge, her horn glowing. She leans in and whispers, her voice tickling your face.

"I lied."

IN THE NEXT EPISODE:
Will Anonymous be able to recover?
Will Sunset ever stop being a cheating bitch?
Will Anonymous' edge ever be blunted?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON HORSE THE HORSE!

Author's Note

Get pumped! The conclusion has to be in the next episode? Right?

Episode Eight

You're in a bit of a pickle. One false move and you're taking quite a plunge down to the floor. It's a bit hard to think about what you want to do with Sunset cackling down at you.

"Hey, try punching her," Painbow grunts, sounding winded.

"What good will that do me?" you whisper into your shoulder.

Sunset is shouting something about how she's the best around to the ground. Nothing will ever bring her down. Except maybe you.

"Just do it! Jump at her."

It's the best option. You put on your best black man voice, and assure your grip on the rooftop.

"Fuck it."

"Hmm?" she says condescendingly, slowly turning to look at you.

"Ya can't stop me," you jump up, using your feet to spring off the side and at Sunset.

Colliding with her, the two of you go tumbling far from the edge; just as planned. You strike her in the face to buy yourself a second and then you pounce for your sword, scooping it up with on clawed hand. The blade feels light as a feather, slashing with this should be easy. BUT you don't want to kill her; just maim or seriously injure.

"KILL! KILL!" Dash roars.

Someone didn't have their morning coffee. You raise up your sword and charge at Sunset, hoping to cut some of her mane, that'll freak her out into submission. Maybe.

She flips to her hooves and knocks away the sword. Shit. With a swift kick you're sent back. Her horn sizzles and out comes a stream of blazing fire. Super hot fire! You think back to your Chinese girl cartoons; what could this sword do against fire? Yes, perfect. Dancing around her, you make false swipes at her. She evades all of them, up until the last. You linger a bit longer than usual to bait her, leaning forward with your sword as it clacks against the stone.

Grinning like she always does Sunset's horn begins to close. A second later a swathe of flame, coiled like a snake, comes snapping for you. Praying it works you swing for the attack.

"PERFECT PARRY!" Bow yells.

The sword 'catches' the flame and sends it spiraling right back at Sunset. She laughs, and with one head motion she causes the flames to dissipate.

"That was a good one, Anon. But not nearly good enough for me."

She runs a hoof through her mane. With another flick of her head she sends out four small, red orbs, as they get closer they spread out. They land a few feet from you, forming a line. Ok? Looks safe to walk through the gaps between them. But that's probably not true.

"Ideas?"

It's nice to have a moments rest. She hasn't hit you too much, but you're already beginning to feel the burn. Deflecting that flame attack took quite a bit of force.

"Be careful of those fireballs! THEY COULD BE DANGEROUS."

Sunset paces on the other side, smiling a little.

"Thanks for the info," you say snottily, holding your sword in two hands, hunched over slightly.

Hmm, walking by those things would be no good, but what about jumping over them? You turn on a heel, taking the risk of turning your back to her. Running to one end of the roof, you turn again, and begin running straight at her. She keeps still, waiting for you to arrive, laughing madly. Right when you would collide with one of those fire balls you hop up, like a rabbit. If rabbits looked really edgy and carried swords. Mid-air, dropping toward Sunset, your eye catches on to something.

The orbs begin shaking and getting closer. You bring your sword down on Sunset, but she dodges. Not breaking stride you slash at her again and again, nearly giving her coat a trim. You flip your sword on its side, and get a grand idea. Sunset trips up, and misses a dodge, you punish by slapping her underside with the side of the sword. She isn't cut, but she's sent about ten feet into the air. Using your noddle based powers you launch forward, catching her in mid-air for a few good slaps of your blade.

"BETTER RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY," Painbow Rash exclaims, a surge of fury coursing through you.

You're about to slap her with your blade when an explosion pushes you forward, sending you and her to the rooftop. Sunset cackles, a few feet away from you, as she rises to her hooves.

"The fire rises!" she calls back, hair whipping in the wind.

Turning over you look up at whatever the hell exploded. Oh, of course.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA," Rainbow yells.

Why would it be anything else?

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."

Not a problem, not a problem at all. Just a GIANT FUCK PHOENIX PECKING AT A ROOF. It's about ten feet tall, fat and feathery. Big black eyes, flaming wings, and feathers, long peak. Yeah, it's a bird.

"CRAAAAW!"

Sunset laughs, and runs off behind the bird.

[Theme of Giant FlameBird]

Soul Calibur III - A New Legend

The crowd is still in a tizzy. You think you spot one stallion having a seizure. Those flashing lights will do that to you. You're sizing up this thing as it pecks at the roof, shaking it dangerously.

"Dash, you're like a bird, right?" you question here, keeping your eyes on the bird as you rise to your feet.

You back takes a lot of punishment, and right now it's hurting pretty bad.

"SORT OF."

"So, what pisses birds off?"

"Pluck their feathers?"

Fuck it man. You use your sword for support to get to your feet. Looks like Sunset is whispering something to the bird. She's climbed up to the top of its head and it looking rather high and mighty. And a little bruised. The bird doesn't look too interested in you, peaking at its giant toes, clucking, looking about at everything but you. Very twitchy little thing, less like a mighty phoenix and more like a giant chicken. It throws its head back and croaks, and then brings it back down, two black eyes trained on you. The big red peak parts to reveal the dark chasm of a mouth its got.

Rising up like a storm fires emanates from the beast. Carefully you dance around the firestorm, getting singed.

"DO YOU LIKE MY PET, ANON?" Sunset cackles from atop the beast.

"Sure do, you crazy bitch!"

You run toward the bird and swing upward with your sword, slashing it. Feathers rain down. Oh damn, you cut it! The big bird caws and flaps wildly.

"GOOD, ABSORB THAT BLOOD," Rainbow cries.

"B-but I didn't mean to hurt it, just wanted to piss it off real bad by cutting its feathers!"

Wait. Why is its blood so orange? You dodge its flapping wings, ears ringing with the sound of its shrieks. Sticking your fingers in the pool on the floor you taste a bit of this "blood".

"Anon you sick freak. You're learning!" Rainbow claims.

"Bah."

HOT, HOT!

"What's wrong? Don't like the taste of blood?" Dash whinnies with giddy.

"No you idiot. It's fucking hot sauce. This is entirely unnatural."

"GET UP ON THE PHOENIX'S BACK!" Rainbow yells as you look up at the flailing beastie.

Fuck it. You jump up, planting the sword right in the thing's side. Hot sauces squirts out. Your eyes are stinging from the aroma it's so strong. It's giant head comes for you, ready to bite you or chrispen you up. Sunset comes with the head, winking when she gets close. The beak is open and the jig is up.

"Anonymous hidden technique!" you spin on the blade, gaining momentum as flames rise, "JUMP KICK!"

You fling yourself right at Shimmer, boot aimed at her face. Slam dunk! Or, whatever. Sunset goes soaring, landing hard on the roof, making a big impact. Goddamn, don't mess, kid. You make sure to grab on tight to the feathers of the big bird. He's writhing and shaking and flapping. Hot sauce is squirting out from holes you haven't even made. IS HE BREAKING DOWN? Light shines through the cracks in him, arcing across the sky like a disco ball.

"Anon, this bird is cooked, get off!" Rainbow warns.

Well, she does have the most experience with avians. You jump off the thing and get Sunset in your sights. The sword is still in the bird, you realize as you descend. Fists will have to do for now. When you land your first jump punch Sunset hardly reacts.

You give it to Sunset, reforming her face. Or at least trying. That smug grin is really resilient.

"So, do you give up?" you ask.

"Sure," she shrugs.

You let her go and she flops to the ground. Worn out, you stagger back a few steps, feeling relieved.

"So, tell me, did you bring me here? How can I get home? All that jazz..." you huff, falling to one knee, just wanting to rest your legs a bit.

Sunset laughs. Oh fuck no.

"Don't make me come over there," your waggling finger is her one warning against your wrath.

"I don't know any of that, Anon," she says, giggling.

Sunset rises to your feet as you fall back on your ass. The cloudy sky opens up, the moon revealed. W-was it all a ruse? Shimmer looks up at the sky. You'd lash out, get mad, beat the shit out of that bitch. But you can hardly move. And she can hardly move.

A twinkling twinkle catches your eyes, and it ain't no little star. Out of the sky descends a large silvery-gold craft begins falling out of the sky.

"There," Sunset yells, pointing up at it, "at last!"

The thing begins descending faster and faster. The crowd shrieks and screams as it gets closer and closer. The hunk of metal crashes right into the roof. Giant cracks open up, chunks of stone go flying. The ground shakes under you, about to break apart. You flail a bit, trying to get steady. All the while Sunset is laughing like a big dumb idiot.

"ANON, A CHALLENGER APPEARS," Rainbow informs you.

An evil cackle rings out, a crack of thunder following it.

IN THE NEXT EPISODE:
Will this mystery fighter completely annihilate Anonymous?
Will Sunset ever stop lying?
Will the readers ever forgive me?

Episode 9: SEASON FINALE

"What the hell is that?"

The door on the capsule bursts open, going flying. A dark figure exits, followed by many, many more. One large horse and about twenty small ponies line up on the roof.

"Nightmare Moon! Finally," Sunset calls, standing.

"Finally we can rule over these tiny little equines. Quickly, squash this bug and we can get on with the magic-draining."

NNM, who looks an awful lot like Luna on a bad day, begins laughing. Why are villains so giggly?

"I see two bugs for squashing," she replies.

Sunset gasps.

"W-what do you mean?" Sunset questions, stammering.

"Our agreement has come to an end. You've been duped, Shimmer."

Oh. Shit. She just got simmered. Before Sunset can move, NMM's horn glows a bright blue, and a line of magic connects with Sunset. Looks like her magic is being absorbed!

"Anon you better get outta here," Painbow advises.

"No, I need to know if she's really the one who brought me here. Besides, she's clearly a villain and I'm clearly a hero."

You glance down at your gothic garb, cringing a little bit. A few feet away from you Sunset collapses, looking drained. Nightmare flicks her attention to you.

"YOU!"

"ME?" you ask mockingly.

"Come pet, your future is at hand."

"What?"

"Come here boy, come on, I don't bite."

She magics up a pair of illusory keys and jingles them.

"YOU JUST GOING TO LET HER TALK TO YOU LIKE THAT, ANON?" your suit yells.

"Well, yeah I am. I mean for now, at least."

"WEAK."

"Well, come, serve your master," Luna interrupts.

"What are you on about?"

You'd raise your sword, but it's gone, and raising your fists just isn't the same. NMM rolls her eyes and waves her hoof at you. Her "guards" squint at you, making way for her to reach the edge of the roof. Some of the less bright students cheer. The smarter ones are already making for the gates, but NMM reacts quickly, setting up some sort of magic barrier. She begins cackling, her horn once again glowing. This time a small orb is shot out, slowly moving into position above the crowd below. As if sparked by the orb, the crowds horns begin glowing, their magic draining. A few do slip away into the school, for whatever good that would do. Hopefully Twilight made it.

"DO YOU LIKE IT HUMAN? WATCH THE ORB GROW IN SIZE IN TANDEM WITH MY POWERS."

Oh, it's like a joke, because tandem also means two or more horses harnessed behind each other. NMM's a funny gal.

"Meh."

"Bah," she likewise scoffs, turning up her nose and crossing her forelegs at you.

"ANONYMOUS I HAVE DETERMINED THAT WE MAY NOT BE ABLE TO STOP HER ONCE SHE POWERS UP, IF YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE ACTION NOW WOULD BE THE TIME," Rainbow booms.

True, true. You make a move forward, stepping over a crack. (Your mom can be a little difficult, but you don't want to risk having her back broken [again]) Before you can take a second step all the guards are around you, their snake-eyes peering into you. Kinda edgy looking, and what's with those ears and...fangs?

But these batponies are papercuts compared to you, your eyeliner and jeans are enough to out edge them.

"DO NOT FEAR THESE PEONS, ANON, YOU SURPASS EVEN BISMUTH IN EDGE," Bow assures you, sounding confident.

Fighting stance: assumed.

[Theme of Night Guard collective]

Shokygeki no Soma OST - Food Battle Start!

A pair hops at you, one wielding a staff. Using INHUMAN bait you lure the one with the staff into striking. Sweet, he fell for it! Dodging, you punch the second into the first, picking up the staff.

SShowtime!

As the first two tumble away a third comes up, you brain him and knock him aside.

Two more! Deflecting their flailing strikes weakens your staff and after several blows it snaps. You follow up with your own retort, using your momentum to close-line the pair. A ring is now formed around you, asinine batponies growling at you. What idiot created these abominations? Probably some weeb.

SSStylish!

Thinking about Chinese girl cartoons gets you a swift smack in the face, and a kick in the shin, and one in the stomach. Stumbling back leads you right to the edge of the building.

"HA, IDIOTS, THEY NEARLY PUSHED US OFF THE ROOF," RD comments, nervousness in her hoarse voice.

NMM turns her head to you, just as you're gonna dive away from the edge. Now you're (sky)diving. Fuck it, right? Gotta try new things sometimes. Your entire trip down to the ground is accompanied by Rainbow screaming at the top of her lungs. Do clothes have lungs? Before you can think of an answer you break your back on a comfy bush.

"Time. . .to die," Rain mumbles, voice very faint.

You think you're going faint too. Seems to be in-style around here.

"Anon! Anon!" a voice whispers.

"Meh," you groan, head weary.

"Anon, get up, Nightmare Moon is going to suck you dry."

That doesn't sound so bad. You blink your eyes open to Twilight look down at you nervously. To the left you see a bunch of tired (or disgruntled) students lay in a pile.

"How long have I been out?"

"Not long," she replies, helping you inside the school, you hold your head like a smashed pumpkin, because it feels like one. Looks like your suit is back to its original form.

"Anon you've gotta stop her before she powers up!"

"Don't worry, it'll probably take like 13 episodes. And she'll probably miss too."

"W-what?"

"Don't worry, just. Gah," you grasp for your side, pain crippling you. Goddamn, that fall really did a number on you.

"I'm not going to be able to get close to her. Especially with all those night guards around her."

Twilight spins around, squinting at you.

"You know what we must do."

"I dunno," you rub your neck and look away.

"It's gotta happen," she puts her hoof on your leg.

She points to the lockers at the end of the hall.

"In there?"

She nods, trotting forward slowly. It's the only option right now, your dick says. True, this secret final form is the only thing that will have any chance against NMM. You squeeze into the locker, pressing against Twilight. There is hardly enough space for the both of you.

"W-well, this is nice." She taps her hoof against your chest. "So..."

"I don't think this'll work. I mean, there is no thrusting room."

"W-what?"

"I-I— it's gotta go in somehow."

"Right, that's how it works," she huffs her hot breath onto your sweaty chest.

"You still don't have a solid grip on this whole thing do you?"

"I-I've got a solid grip on you, big boy."

[Blushing externally.] That's fine, not like she can see. Too dark to see anything in here.

"So, come on, get this show on the road," she demands.

"Doesn't work like that. I can't just make it happen!" you say, stress laden in your tone.

Twilight wiggles around, which in these close quarters is pretty tough to pull off.

"Well, somethings happening."

The locker rumbles and shakes, slamming against its neighbors and the walls sporadically. To an outsider observer it would seem as if a very nervous ghost has invaded the metal locker. This particular ghost seems to really like it when you "DO IT JUST LIKE THAT" and "RUB THOSE THINGS THERE LIKE THAT" Who knows what this ghostly code means?

The locker bursts open, a panting, sweaty Twilight tumbling out. You clamber over her, looking dapper. Looking down you see a plain suit, like normal. But there was like a transformation and everything...

"It didn't work!"

"Says you!" Pinkie's cheerful voice yells.

"RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE," Rainbow adds on.

"Hello Darling."

"Howdy."

"Jesus, all four of them at once?" you ask. Isn't someone missing?

Twilight just rolls over and falls asleep. Well, gotta go fuck up Luna now. You take a step forward and feel something slap your thigh. Looking down you flip over your suit jacket, revealing pink suspenders of course and a strange blade at your hip. Your sword! The handle looks wooden, like that of the duster. Drawing it, the blade is revealed to be made of candy cane! But that means there should be... On your other hip a lasso is tied. And there is a small hook at the end. And a little loop on the hilt of the blade. Aha! Now you've got some tech.

You charge for the stairs, going up and up, the closer you get the louder the rumbling gets. When you're about to open the door to the roof and unleash a storm of zandatsu it bursts open and an orange ball is thrown straight at you. The pony knocks you down a flight, rolling down the hard stairs with you. You regain your standing position and dust yourself off, bits of plaster and stone flying off like dandruff.

"Sunset, what the hell are you doing?" You question, looking down on her. She stands up, holding her head.

"That damn pony stole my magic! I've been trying to get close to her since you dropped off the side of the building."

"You know," she squints at you, "we'd have a better chance fighting together, Human."

"Oh so now you want to be friends?"

She rolls her eyes and pushes past you up the stairs. You run after her, wishing to join the fray. At the other end of the roof you immediately see NMM, mane flowing, eyes glowing, orb of POWER growing larger with each passing second. In front of you, Sunset is giving a handful of guards the what for. Around the roof, knocked out night-guards lay. Sunset has done well for herself, incapacitating several more guards than you have.

"What are ya standing around for?" AJ questions.

"GO GET THOSE FOOLS!" RD adds.

[Theme of Anon and Sunset]

The World Ends With You OST - Twister

Anonymous has entered a martial trance.

You draw your blade and zip forward, knocking aside the bat descending on Sunset. She spins around and bucks a guard in the jaw, sending him flying. The last five of NMM's escort trot forward together. Then in a flash all of them upon you. Sunset meets one of them in the air, and takes it to the ground, another following after her. The remaining three set their sights on you.

"Meh!"

With one slash you knock aside two, the thin candy cane blade holding strong against their meaty pony bodies. For the third you have something special. He hops to the air, batwings fluttering, hoping to garner the air advantage. BUT, he wasn't counting on your lasso. Deftly you latch the lasso's hook to the hilt of your blade and with one swing it's sent zooming toward the guard. The dull blade hits him right in the gut, batting him out of the sky and down to the roof! To your left you catch Sunset giving a left hoof hook to a very woozy guard, who falls to the floor with the hit. She looks at you briefly and nods. Time to get some answers! Oh, and save those unicorns or whatever.

"Be careful Nonny! She looks tough," Pinkie Pants mumbles.

"She just looks big! We'll show her!" you say confidently.

"Don't be so sure, Anonymous," Sunset says harshly as the two of you approach, side by side. Seriously fuck Sunset Shimmer, but hot damn does Co-op feel fun sometimes. Nightmare Loon hardly notices the two of you in her trance.

The sky is streaked with shooting stars, completely cloudless, below you the screams of pegasi, unicorns, and erf ponies serve as a chorus.

"How should we approach this?"

"Just follow my example," Sunset growls.

The unicorn dances forward and hops up, ready to plant a hoof on Nightmare's face. You follow after her, hooking your sword and lasso. In a flash of light both of you are tossed away like used tissue.

"You're too late, plebeians, I've achieved MAX power," an earth shaking cackle shudders from deep within Nightmare Moon.

You struggle to get to your feet, helpless as Nightmare absorbs the ball of energy, not crackling with the magic of a dozen colors and horse-types. Her body, mane, eyes and horn glow with new vigor, undulating energy surrounding her. As you get to your feet again, weapon raised, she's crafting a portal of sorts. Could it be? Can she open portals to your home?

You're frozen as she opens the rift wider, wider, desperate to see past her body you gingerly press on toward her. The rift shows nothing aside from a gray rocky expanse and a dark sky. T-the moon? A portal to the moon? Nightmare throws open the rift, and a monster of gnarled metal stomps out. Four crane like legs and a empty middle frame nearly make the roof buckle. You hear the groan of the supports for the roof.

The monster takes up most of the roof, a leg nearly crushing you like a pancake. Moona forces the empty frame down on the pod she arrived in. She climbs inside the little egg, connecting the two. The four legs raise up the egg, and from the little porthole you see Nightmare Moon's laughing face. A megaphone projects Luna's voice.

"Prepare yourself, peon, for the full power of the Shago- I MEAN LUNAKHOD."

[Theme of The Nightmare Moon Machine!]

FF15 OST - Veiled in Black

"You get it from one side, I'll get the other." Sunset calls to you, bunny-hopping for Luna.

"You ready to go, guys?"

"YEAH!" your creepy, fabric-spirits reply in unison.

Jolting upward you manage to get right on one of the legs, latching on like a monkey to a tree. Luna grunts, shaking around her giant metal leg, desperate to get you off. Out of the corner of your eye you spot Sunset being violently thrown back down to the roof from the other leg. You struggle to cling to the metal appendage, Nightmare's shaking isn't quite enough to knock you off, but when a small turret pops up on her pod you gulp. A torrent of tiny moon rock pebbles pelts you, battering you.

"HOLD ON NONNY!" Pinkie yells.

Despite your best efforts the little pains all across your arms, head, hands and back are just too much. You go the way of Sunset, colliding hard with the stone roof.

"HAHAHHAHA! WEAK," Nightmare yelps.

"A-anon," Sunset coughs from a hole in the roof near you.

You glance over at her, body frozen.

"She's slapped me to the ground with her member, I'm far too used up to go on. Y-you must continue the fight alone."

Goddamn useless bitch. You use your sword to stand, the candy center supporting your weight.

"Rising up again? Much like the phoenix," your new enemy says.

Sunset crawls off to the door, dragging her body across the cracked floor. The ground below you rumbles as Luna re-positions herself. Two more turrets are revealed.

"Brace yourself, Anonymous!" Rainbow warns.

"Those guns are nothing to mess about with darling~"

"You should be able to get up 'nd close with that there lasso," AJ adds.

You didn't even have to tune into the codec for that free advice. The first rain of rocks come down, you slash them all away with one swing, like in one of those Taiwanese animations. Rolling around (at the speed of sound) is the only way to evade Nightmare's barrage of cheese-stones. Jumping up you latch on to the left leg, hoping to get to her cockpit. If you know what you're saying.

The easiest way to take down will be the cockpit, it's a weak-point. The right leg comes swinging over, the whole mech shaking now that's it on two legs. IT COLLIDES AGAINST YOU WITH THE FORCE OF A THOUSAND MOONS. You're peeled off and tossed to the ground, back and ribs probably something like powder now.

The right settles back down, the left coming down to finish you off. In a last second attempt to not be made into jam you block with your sword, shutting your eyes tight. THE FOOT SLAMS DOWN ON YOU. You're shoved several inches down, the sword the only thing keeping you alive. Luna cackles madly, pushing down harder. The candy blade begins to crack! Pinkie, AJ, Rare-Ware and RD are all grunting in combined effort.

"M-MEH!"

"ANON! NO!" a sweet, caring voice calls.

You head flicks to the side, sweat and hair and everything else obscuring you vision. Past the hair, past the bits of rubble, past the bumpy floor you see a dazed Twilight, leaning on the door frame.

"You can't give up now!"

Her horn fizzles, face twisted in straining. A small purple rift is opened. For a second the burning pain in your arms, and everywhere else is mitigated. All you can focus on is the Asian fisherman peering through the portal.

(Asiatic Clam Harvesting Man Speech)

Way Status: Not lost.

The rift snaps shut and Twilight collapses into a sweaty pile of purple mare. New energy courses through you.

"ARGGGGGGAH!" Luna roars with effort, her metal leg now straining to stay on you. The shoe is one the other metal claw now!

Your muscles shiver with power, vibrating at intense speeds. Your pony-fabric monsters cheer you on. With one strong push the giant metal weapon up, throwing it aside with ease. Hopping to your feet, you flex once to show off those biceps, feeling far more powerful than ever before. The camera zooms in on Luna in her little porthole. Her mouth is agape and a single bead of sweat descends from her forehead.

"Meh!" you exclaim proudly.

"I told you drinking blood was healthy!" RD comments.

"I think it was all the sugar," Pinkie explains.

"Please, a fabulous suit will make any man extra virile," Rarity claims.

"APPLES!" APPLES! adds.

You glance at Twilight, raising up your sword and pointing it to her.

"Twilight! Turn off my pain inhibitors!"

"S-sure thing," she says weakly, hardly audible.

Nightmare is quick to bring the pushed back leg down, this time in a sweeping motion. You react with inhuman speed, swinging your sword to meet the attack. The two collide, immovable object meeting unstoppable force! The leg begins to crack with the strain, blowing back again. It hangs on to the side of the building weakly. Spinning around you jump up just a second before the right leg comes round. Landing perfectly on the side of it, your feet are like magnets as it swings around wildly. You draw your sword, slashing apart the arm in a flurry of sparks and metal, charging past the broken pieces as you get closer and closer. You're cutting through her like hot butter through knife! Insignificant bits of moon-sand wash over you like a light breeze.

"YES! YES! Split it wide open!" you hear Twilight call over the chaos, and Luna's cries of "No!"

The metal beast collapses forward, caving-in a huge part of the roof, Luna in her cockpit slamming into the edge of the sagging roof. She scrambles about inside it, panicking. You jump down to meet her, lasso'ing your sword and throwing it right at her pod. Tugging toward you makes the whole thing launch forward.

"GET OVER HERE!" you growl.

She tumbles out of the pod, rolling to her hooves in front of you, the pod clanking away behind you. Before she can catch her breath you assault her with a flurry of strikes! Every one of your strikes is deflect with some sort of magic barrier. But they don't block your body, and you're damn near face to face with the alicorn. She's looking a little sweaty!

"DO YOU KNOW HOW HEALTHY A CUP OF ALICORN BLOOD IS ANONYMOUS?" RD yells.

"Blood leaves terrible stains darling, don't get messy with that stuff," Rarity replies in an uptight tone.

"Omae wa mou shindeiru," you scoff, flicking your nose with your thumb to wipe off some blood.

She screeches like a record, mane deflating, powered up horn losing its glow and shrinking, whole body shuddering with sore muscles. A burst of light blinds you, and when you get your sight back, no more NMM! A regular ol' Luna is all that remains, no fangs or grimace, but still weak as hell.

Wiping the sweat from your own brow you level your sword with her face, the candy cane's red stripes worn and blurred, cracks along the blade.

"So..." you huff, "How do I get home? Why am I here? What the hell were you even trying to do here...?"

"Well uh, that's a long story," she rubs the back of her neck, probably aching all over.

In short, you were suppose to be an all-powerful pet for NMM to take over Equestria with, but she fumbled the binding spell and had to cover her tracks with her sister. That explains your first month in Equestria, all those royal, private, meetings. Apparently she picked you up at random from a rift. As for Sunset and her Ponyville school, that was all a ruse to gather strong unicorns together so Luna could steal their magic. After that she intended to go stopping over to Canterlot to throw a hissy-fit with all her magic. What a fucking brat.

"Uh, lastly, I don't think I'll be able to send you home, human. Those portal I've opened are all one-way. And, you did drain all my magic," she says moodily.

You ball up your fists and let out a deep breath. Sunset comes up behind you, horn glowing with magic. She dusts herself off with a magic feather duster.

"Get what you needed?" she asks, looking down at her former ally.

"No."

"That's a shame," she looks down at Luna a huffs, motioning as if to spit at her (which makes the alicorn recoil), but doesn't do it. "I hope we meet again Anonymous, a rematch is certainly in order." She disappears in a puff of magic, but not before you can give her a half-assed 'meh'.

You're tired and frustrated and lost but there isn't much to be done about it. Sunset is right, after defeating that metal moon rover-mech you're pretty worn out. Twilight following you home doesn't help much.

You don't reply to her hundreds of questions. Or object when she sits next to you around that stone arch. Disappointment wells in you like...something deep.

Like a well...

AH HAH!

"Twilight! Can't you send me home!? You opened up a portal for that chinese man! Can't you get me back?"

"One-way, Anon. Really, I don't think anyone is powerful enough to make a two-way portal..."

Your Anon-sense tingles...a lie has been told.

"Sorry," she says lowly.

Who's more powerful than Luna and Twilight and. . .?

Seems like you have one more Alicorn to beat-up.

THIS IS THE LAST EPISODE OF HORSE THE HORSE

Author's Note

Well, it's over. I had a great time writing this, finding the music and tossing in bad jokes, and blatant references to dozens of different pieces of media, it was all fun. I hope everyone else had a great time reading too.

Thanks to my boy Eighth for the pictures.

And thanks to you!