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A Dark and Pony Night

Potion

Madame Pinkie spread the tarrot cards across the table before Rarity, being very careful not to knock over the candles, insence, bottles or dozen other knickknacks that cluttered the table. Really her entire cabin/wagon was cluttered to the point of cringe. Rarity was far too ladylike to say that outright, but the fact remained that anywhere you cared to look there was junk piled upon junk. At least, Rarity assumed it was all junk, not much looked to be of any value.

Old books were lying everywhere, with boxes of cloth and assorted junk stacked on top of them and candles stacked on top of those boxes and sometimes there were even things on top of candles (the unlit ones, of course). True to form, some of it was rather ominous, bottles labeled 'spider blood', various skulls hanging on the wall, a set of pots emitting green and blue sgummmoke, though Rarity had no idea if they were supposed to do that. Though on the other hoof there were about a dozen frying pans, a stack of boardgames and an accordion too, ruining the illusions.

Needless to say, Rarity wouldn't be wasting her time in such a place were she not seeking Pinkie's services.

Pinkie moved her hoof over the cards, made a 'woo' sound and flipped one over. The picture on it was of a pony being hanged by a noose. Rarity frowned at that, leaning in for a closer look.

“That looks bad,” said Rarity. “Is that bad?”

“No, no!” Pinkie waved Rarity's concern away. “The Hanged Mare represents sacrifice. The card says you should take time to think about what you're doing instead of acting too fast.”

“And what exactly does being hanged have to do with any of that?” Rarity asked.

“Well normally she's just being hung by her hooves, but this deck is extra spooky. Wooooo.” Pinkie waved her hooves in front of Rarity.

Rarity was unamused.

Pinkie flipped over the next card. It was the 'death' card, with the pony reaper on it and everything.

“Okay.” Rarity went back to frowning. “Now I know that one is bad.”

“Heh heh. Nope!” Pinkie shook her head. “Common misconception. The 'Death' card doesn't represent death, it represents change! It's saying something is going to change, Rarity. Could be good could be bad. Who knows?”

“Something's going to change? Well I could have predicted that,” said Rarity.

“And so could the cards,” said Pinkie, “only they predicted it first. Wooooooo!”

Pinkie waved her hooves again. Rarity sighed and rolled her eyes. She was getting tired of that. Pinkie flipped over the third card. It was 'The Tower'.

“Finally one that's not about dying,” said Rarity.

“Youch.” Pinkie bit her lip.

“What?”

“Actually, The Tower is kinda sort of bad,” said Pinkie. “The worst one, actually. It represents tragedy and disaster. Looks like you're not gonna take your time and the change will be for the worst.”

Rarity wasn't entirely sure if she believed in any of this, but figured it was worth a shot. Rarity always knew she was destined for glory. Born into a low-class family she may be, but she had the heart of a noble and knew one day she would have the luxurious life of one, the life she deserved. Rarity worked so hard to gain the wealth, the prestige, the prince charming of her dreams, but despite all of her efforts so little of it was materializing.

Especially the part about the stallion. Really you'd think that'd be the easy part. Mares with half of Rarity's charm and a tenth of her beauty managed to find one, but for Rarity, like in everything else, it just never seemed to work out. Stallion after stallion and yet not one of them gave her that spark of passion or had that noble heart she was looking for. None of them were a true stud, a true prince.

So maybe it was a long shot, but if Madame Pinkie and her cards could give her any clues it would be worth thirty bits.

“Just get to the good part,” said Rarity. “What does it say about love? When will I find my prince charming and live happily ever after in my magical castle?”

Pinkie flipped over a card. To Rarity's delight it was 'The Lovers', two ponies kissing with a large heart in the background. Pinkie seemed less enthusiastic.

“Hmm.” Pinkie tapped her chin and picked up the card to carefully inspect it.

“Well? What does it mean?” Rarity leaned around the card to look at Pinkie. “Don't tell me Love represents spiders in tarot or something.”

“Of course it doesn't!” Pinkie put the card back down with a laugh. “This card says you're a lesbian.”

Rarity starred at Pinkie with disbelief for some time, but all she got was a very slow shrug from Pinkie.

“Excuse me? A lesbian?” Rarity scrunched her nose in horror when she realized Pinkie was being serious. She was about to scold Pinkie for that insult, but no, Rarity was an accepting, politically correct mare. She knew it wasn't proper to see such a thing as an insult, at least not these days. “I assure you I am not a lesbian. I am a very feminine and proper lady and while I accept the right of other ponies to choose how they live their lives, I could never be anything of the sort. Your little piece of cardboard must be broken.”

“I dunno.” Pinkie poked at the card a few times. “This card is pretty sure you're a lesbian. And a really kinky one too. Like, it says you'd be really into bondage and vore if you ever gave them a chance.”

“Bondage and vo-!” Rarity bolted right up. The nerve! “How dare you?! I would never even consider such undignified-!”

“Whoa! Whoa!” Pinkie waved her hooves defensively. “That's what the cards say, not me. I'm just the messenger.”

“Well then tell the cards that I don't like being insulted,” said Rarity.

“I think they already heard you, but okay.”

Pinkie leaned down and whispered something to the deck of cards, looking up at Rarity with a nervous smile when she was done. Without another word, Pinkie flipped over another card. This one had seven wands on it.

“This card says there's nothing wrong with being a lesbian or having kinky fetishes so long as you're both consenting adults and don't go making everypony else uncomfortable,” said Pinkie. “It goes on to say that you really wouldn't know what you're into since you have no experience with love and should probably just take its word for it.”

“I'll have you know I have plenty of experience with love, thank you very much.”

“No.” Pinkie flipped over the magician card. “This card says you're a virgin and it's probably going to stay that way for a long, long time.”

“I'm just saving myself for marriage,” Rarity insisted.

Pinkie flipped over a card with a picture of the sun on it.

“This card doesn't think that's the case,” said Pinkie. “It says that your own sexual and emotional repression is leading you to be disillusioned with every relationship you enter into because it plays into what society expects of you instead of fulfilling your actual wants and needs. It goes on to say that you'll most likely never admit that and end up an old maid who constantly keeps bottling up her negative emotions until one Hearth's Warming Eve when you're forty-five and still single you visit your sister and her family and during dinner you finally snap and run out into the snow screaming because someone dropped a fork. And that mental breakdown is going to lead to you being institutionalized at the Spitfire Memorial Psychiatric Facility in Canterlot for the rest of your life. Also apparently it thinks Spitfire will be dead by then.”

“That's nothing but a picture of the sun on this card!” Rarity scoffed. “How could it possibly say all of that?”

“Tarot reading is a very subtle art.” Pinkie closed one eye and leaned in to stare at the card with the other. “Just the tiniest little detail can change the meaning completely.”

“Just tell me this- do your cards have anything useful to say or are they just going to keep calling me a virgin loser who will never get a date?” Rarity asked.

Pinkie flipped over the two of coins.

“Well this card apologizes for the bluntness of the other cards and says it knows a mare that's your type it could hook you up with.” Pinkie gave Rarity a sultry wink. “Says they like vore too.”

“Okay, now you're just messing with me.”

“No! The cards seriously said that,” Pinkie assured her. “The cards know all! They're never wrong. Hooking you up would be easy for them.”

“Well if the cards know so much then what number, from one to ten, am I thinking of?” Rarity asked.

Pinkie flipped over a card, revealing the four of cups.

“Ha!” Rarity gave her mane a victory flick. “It was twenty-seven! If the cards knew all they would have known I broke the rules.”

“But you don't understand, Rarity! The number four represents the number twenty-seven in tarot”

“I think we're done here.”

Rarity got up and started trotting towards the door.

“Wait!” Pinkie reached a hoof out across the table in a bit of a rush, knocking over a lot of her clutter. Thankfully, she didn't knock over the candles. “Before you go I have to warn you to never, ever buy this love potion from me!”

Rarity turned back to see Pinkie holding a bottle filled with a mysterious, white liquid.

“You mean the potion you had under the counter and I would have never even seen had you not just taken it out?” Rarity asked.

“Yes.” Pinkie nodded. “Trust me, you don't want to buy this. It's fifteen bits if you want it, but don't let that low price make you think this is an incredible deal! You'd regret it”.

“I certainly don't want to buy anything from you.” Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Not after you insulted me to my face.”

“Good.” Pinkie quickly pulled the potion away. “Under no circumstance should you ever, ever buy that potion. It'd be the worst mistake of your little pony life! I was worried you'd be tempted to buy if from me cause, you know, it'd technically solve all of your problems if you did.”

“Would it now?”

“Completely! This is basically the solution to everything wrong with your love life.” Pinkie eyed the bottle critically and ran a hoof across it. “Give this to somepony to drink and– BAM! Instantly madly in love with you. They'll devote their entire life to fulfilling your desires and love you unconditionally no matter what for that point on. You wouldn't even have to worry about going on dates anymore. But it'd be horrible so don't buy it!”

“What's so horrible about getting another pony to finally adore me?” Rarity asked. “Do they become overly obsessive, never leaving me alone? Or so possessive they murder everypony who so much as looks at me?”

“Nothing like that, no. You'd have to give them at least ten bottles for them to be that crazy in love with you,” said Pinkie. “Just one bottle wouldn't have any bad side effects like that.”

“Then what is the catch? You keep saying it'd be horrible.”

“Well it tastes like coconut.”

“And?”

“And I really don't like coconut.” Pinkie shrugged. “Also I guess the mind control part is morally reprehensible. So those are the two reasons why I can never allow its use. I'll still sell it to you, though. Only twenty bits! If you buy one the second one's fifty percent off, but I warn you that will be the only silver lining.”

Rarity knew she should be more doubtful about this thing working, but she wanted to believe it did. She wanted to believe something good had finally happened. A love potion certainly would solve her problems, possibly more than even just the love problem. Wouldn't it be wonderful to marry a stallion with wealth and prestige, thus obtaining it herself?

Rarity felt she deserve something like that.

“Well I think me not being able to get what I want is far more reprehensible,” said Rarity. “And even if it is technically mind control, whoever I gave it to would be the luckiest stallion in the world because he would get to live with me. I'll take it.”

“This is your last warning, Rarity,” said Pinkie. “I don't want to sell it to you so don't make me by giving me twenty bits! And I do take credit card, so uh, beware of that.”

“And this is your twenty bits.” Rarity threw the bits on the table.

Without any protest Pinkie happily tossed the potion over to Rarity, who grabbed it and trotted outside. Pinkie picked Gummi up from under the table.

“That poor, deluded town-pony.” Pinkie shook her head and looked down at Gummi. “Why do these non-gypsy never listen to my dire warnings, Gummi?”

Gummi had no answer.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Rarity sat in her parlor the next day, looking at the love potion she'd bought. There were two questions that faced her now, how to use it and who to use it on. The former wasn't so hard. The potion was fairly small, so it could be easily slipped into any drink without somepony noticing. Perhaps a little bit of setup would be needed, but Rarity was a cunning mare.

The latter? It took her a long night of thought, but Rarity had decided on Pierce. He had everything Rarity was looking for in a stallion. He was rich, had influence in Canterlot and was rather good looking to boot. If this seriously worked, why just marrying him alone would greatly improve Rarity's standing in the world.

And just Rarity's luck she did have business with him today! He was coming over to pick up a suite she'd made for him. Normally upper class stallions didn't give commoner mares like Rarity much attention, so flirting wouldn't get her very far. The potion, though? She'd see.

Rarity poured it into a pitcher of lemonade, carefully crafted so as to look nearly empty. All she'd need to do was offer him a drink and that'd be that. She knew for a fact Pierce couldn't resist lemonade, everypony in town knew that! Half the foals in the city had coerced him into buy some for nearly fifty bits a glass, knowing that.

The door to her boutique opened and in came Rainbow Dash. Rarity didn't like that mare one bit, but then nearly all the ponies in this town were insufferable and beneath her. Dash's problem was how uncouth she was, the exact opposite of Rarity's grace in every way. Really, Rarity was surprised that pony even wore cloths.

“Rarity-”

“Yes, yes.” Rarity made herself smile. She needed to do that a lot in this town. “I know why you're here. Just give me a minute and I'll go get your cloths.”

She'd normally engage in pleasant talk with her customers, that was important to getting ahead, but today she was just so nervous she wanted to get Dash out of here as soon as possible. She didn't want a single pony other than her target around. Rarity moved into the other room to go get what Dash had commissioned

“Celestia, I'm so thirst,” Dash moaned to herself. “Hey, you don't mind if I have some of this, right?”

Without waiting for an answer, Dash picked up the pitcher and drank. The whole pitcher. That mare- no manners at all! Just swooping in and helping herself to the... the lemonade

Oh dear.

It was too late to shout out to her, she already drank it! And now suddenly Rarity was desperately hoping that potion didn't work. What didn't help that situation at all was the way Dash's attention was slowly pulled towards her.

Dash was looking at Rarity like she'd never seen a pony, or perhaps anything else for that matter, before. She looked Rarity over from horn to hoof in a way that did not reassure Rarity in the least bit.

“Did you do something with your hair, Rarity?” Dash cocked her head and moved in for a closer look.

“Um. N-no.” Rarity backed away, giving a quick glance in another direction. “Why do you ask?”

Dash just walked straight up to Rarity paying no attention to her personal space whatsoever until Rarity was cornered against a wall. A huge, giddy smile came over Dash's face. She looked like a filly staring at her Hearth's Warming gifts, barely able to keep herself from diving in.

“Because you look so awesome today!” Dash pranced in place a little. “No idea how I didn't notice it earlier, but you're sexier than a freaking Wonderbolt, Rarity. A freaking Wonderbolt! I just want to stare at you forever! And I hate that kind of stuff!”

“Well I'm well aware of my charm,” said Rarity, who did not want to be starred at for the next five seconds, let alone forever. She gave Dash a little push but Dash didn't take the hint. “And I'm flattered by the compliment, but I'm not into mares. You understand, don't you dear?”

“I didn't think I was a lesbian until two seconds ago either,” said Dash. “Apparently sexuality is something that can turn on a dime. So come, just go on one date with me? I'll bet you'll suddenly realize you're a lesbian too.”

Great. The potion really did work. But just how obsessed would Dash become? Pinkie assured her it wouldn't be too crazy, but Rarity didn't want to take any chances. The last thing she needed was a mare constantly trying to seduce her, certainly not such a rough one, that'd be bad for her image.

“Now, Rainbow Dash,” said Rarity, sidestepping her way out of the corner, “I really must insist that-”

Without warning, one of the windows shattered open and what looked like a meteor of mud came hurtling inside. It was all over so fast Rarity barely saw any more than that, but the result was a giant mess.

Furniture was knocked over, things were broken, soggy cardboard boxes littered the room, and there was mud everywhere. Mud splattered all over the walls, drenched the carpet and buried whatever had been nearby. And in the center of this mud explosion, lying face down,was Derpy Hooves.

“Oh no! I'm so sorry, Rarity!” Derpy scrambled back to her hooves and gave an apologetic bow.

Rarity looked over the piles and piles of mud. There was so much of it and it was all over everything. You see this? This was what Rarity's life was like– it was just one disaster after the next!

“I don't even understand where all this mud came from!” Rarity picked up one of the mud drenched boxes with her horn, being sure to hold it far away from herself.

“Well they started this thing called 'The Monthly Mud Box'” Derpy rubbed the back of hear head sheepishly. “I don't really see what's so great about imported mud, but anyway I gotta deliver boxes of mud now. Guess I messed that up too.”

“Well you can be certain that I'll be complaining to-” Rarity stopped scolding Derpy when she came to a realization. The dresses that were due tomorrow, the ones for the Canterlot nobles, they were near where Derpy hit.

Rarity rushed over to check it they were alright and they most certainly were not. They used to be bedazzled with jewles shinning with vibrant color, and now they were bedazzled with a thick layer of mud shinning the nastiest shade of brown.

“Oh no! Not these!” Rarity whined. “They're being picked up tomorrow and now I need to wash them! And I already have so much work to do!”

“I'm sorry, Rarity.” Derpy reached a hoof out. “But I'll clean it up, I promise! I won't leave until-”

“No!” Rarity snapped her hoof out in front of Rarity. She did not want Derpy helping with anything. She'd learned the hard way that was always a bad idea. “Or rather, what I meant to say was that this is no big deal. Really! It'll only take me a few seconds. You just run along, dear.”

Rarity started pushing Derpy towards the door, eager to get her out before she made an even bigger mess.

“Are you sure, Rarity?” Derpy asked mid-shove. “I'd really like to make it up to-”

“Yes I'm sure,” said Rarity, “but thank you for the offer.”

She gave Derpy one last, rather hard shove and out Derpy went. The moment Derpy was out of the house, Rarity slammed the door shut and collapsed against it with exhaustion.

“Great,” she moaned. “Now how am I going to clean all this up and finish my workload by tonight? I can't, that's how!”

“What if I did it for you?” Dash asked.

Rarity had forgotten Dash existed for a moment, but a quick glance in her direction confirmed that Dash had been staring at her with that dopey smile this whole time.

“You would?” Rarity asked.

“Of course! I'd do anything for you, Rarity,” said Dash. “I just have this urge to do everything I can to make your life better, you know? Cause you're so awesome and you deserve it! I would do anything for you, Rarity, that's how great you are to me! Plus, I'd get to spend a little bit longer basking in your pure sweetness. How could I not want that?”

Rarity bit her lower lip. She really should say no, shouldn't she? Accepting would just be leading poor, lesbonic Dashie on. But then she really, really needed to get her work done.

“Well okay.” Rarity flicked her wrist. “I'll let you help out this one time!”

“Thank you!” Elated, Dash threw herself at Rarity's hooves and began kissing them and thanking her over and over. “Thank you thank you thank you! If there's anything else I can do for you just say the word!”

Rarity smiled at the gesture. This wasn't so bad. Actually, this was exactly the sort of attention Rarity felt was due to her her whole life. Might as well make the best of a bad situation, no?

“I suppose if you really, really want to help me some more then I just might be able to think of a few more things.” Rarity could hardly hold back the smile.

“I do!” Dash jumped back to her hooves. She looked so excited. “Please?”

“In that case why not do my dishes afterward?” Rarity lifter her chin up. “Then you can scrub the floors, mow the lawn, draw me a bath and maybe if you do a good job I'll let you give me a nice, relaxing massage afterward.”

“Really?” Dash's eyes just lit up at that, at the chance to serve Rarity. “Then I'd get to hang around you all day! Oh man, this is the absolute best! No, scratch that. You're the absolute best, Rarity!”

“Yes, but I want you to understand this is all completely platonic.” Rarity gave Dash a pat on the head. “Don't expect anything more than the honor of serving me.”

“Just getting to be near you is more than enough for me!” Dash gave a salute.

“Good. Now off you go.” Rarity made a shooing

And that stuff was permanent? Actually this was great! Finally some adoration and pampering. Maybe it wasn't from a stallion, but having a maid doing all her chores, hanging on her every whim- well that was still pretty good, was it not? Rarity was most certainly the type of pony who should have servants waiting on her, it was what she deserved!

Rarity was sure she'd get used to this.

________________________________________________________________

Five days later, Rarity was lounging on her couch, reading a novel. At this particular time she wouldn't normally get to lounge around. Saturdays, her supposed 'day off', were largely wasted cleaning, running errands, buying groceries, cooking meals and doing so many other miscellaneous chores.

But now Rarity had another pony to waste time on her behalf. Even now Rainbow Dash was scurrying about, doing this and that. She was wearing a maid's outfit now and looking quite pretty in it. Rarity thought it would be fitting and help Dash remember what their relationship was.

Rarity picked up her little bell and rang it, summoning Rainbow Dash to come rushing to her side.

“Yes, ma'am?” Dash bowed.

“It's so hot today,” Rarity complained. “Could you be a dear and fan me for a while?”

“Of course! But what about all the dusting I'm supposed to do?”

“You can just do that tonight,” said Rarity. “I mean, you don't have anything better to do tonight, do you?”

“Better than being around you? Heck no! What could be better than standing next to the awesomest, most radical pony who ever lived?”

“Not much, I'll admit.” Rarity smirked and patted Dash on the head. “Maybe being me, but that's not something just any pony can pull off, now is it? Now less talking, more fetching the giant fan, hm?”

Dash went off to get it when there was a knock at the door.

“Be a dear and go get that.” Rarity turned back to her book.

“Yes ma'am!”

Dash scurried off. Truth be told the door wasn't even that far away, within eye shot even, but Rarity was comfortable and there was no need for her to get up when she had a loyal, adoring servant around. Now this was the life!

Rarity had finally gotten just what she always wanted. Best twenty bits she ever spent. Rarity let out a contented sigh before sparing a glance to see who it was.

Twilight Sparkle.

Rarity sat up when she saw that. She despised Twilight. Twilight was the sort of unicorn who had been born into wealth, had gotten the easy, pampered life Rarity had always desired, had worked towards so hard. And did she appreciate it? Not one bit!

She lived in some dingy library, had that dreadfully tacky haircut, ran around naked all the time, never went anywhere grand, never bought anything luxurious, never had any servants, never used her prestige. She had so much privilege and just threw it all away like it was nothing.

Calling it unfair would be an understatement.

“Are you here to see Rarity?” Dash asked. “I know she's right over there, but I'll take your message to her.”

“Actually I'm here to see you.” Twilight came right in. “It's like- what?! What the heck are you doing dressed like this? And you skipped out on your Wonderbolts training yesterday? It's not like you at all and it makes me worried.”

“I realized that my dream wasn't to join the Wonderbolts,” said Dash. “Actually, all I ever really wanted was to be a maid and bask in awesomeness that is Rarity. Rarity was just nice enough to let me.”

“That just sounds so unlikely to me, and so suddenly too,” said Twilight. “Rainbow Dash the maid? How long have you known yourself again?”

“Since about two days ago, I guess.” Dash shrugged.

Rarity glanced over in their direction. So Twilight was suspicious was she? Well Rarity wasn't about to let her ruin this, the first good thing to ever happen to her.

“Twilight.” Rarity got up and trotted over to the two of them. “I think it's rather rude of you to just show up at my house and start spouting this kind of nonsense behind my back. Ponies change! You just realized that this was better than the Wondercolts or whatever they're called, right Dashie?”

“Of course, Rarity!” Dash's eyes just lit up at the attention, like it was what she lived for. “I love working for you so much! I'd do anything just to be by your side, but knowing I'm making you happy is most amazing thing in the world to me!”

Rainbow Dash had legitimate enthusiasm for her new job as Rarity's servant and that had served to convince the rest of the town that this was completely consensual It was, after all, in Dash's current state of mind. Rarity had little doubt Twilight would reach the same conclusion as everypony else and be on her way.

“And really,” said Rarity, “if Rainbow Dash wants to be my live-in maid then that's her choice. I don't think you have the right to judge.”

“If it is her choice,” Twilight muttered and shot Rarity a glare.

Rarity's heart stopped. Oh no! She did know, didn't she? No, there was no way.

“Rarity.” Twilight moved closer with a serious look. “Most unicorns can't detect this sort of thing, but I noticed some weird magic energy around Rainbow Dash. Well, the fading remnants of it, anyway. This isn't some kind of mind-altering curse you put on her, is it?”

“Of course not!” Rarity answered a bit faster than she probably should have and gave a nervous laugh.

Twilight gave a skeptical look. This was just perfect. There were probably only a few dozen unicorns that could even pick this up and one of them just happened to live next door to Rarity? This was just more of her famous bad luck.

“You realize that the penalty for mind control is life in jail,” Twilight said.

“Do you not trust me now?” Rarity asked. “Honestly, I don't appreciate you coming into my home and accusing me of such thing!”

“Yeah, Twilight.” Dash rolled her eyes. “Mind control? That's ridiculous! I just realized Rarity was the greatest, most amazing pony who ever lived and should be worshiped and treated like a goddess.”

“Right.” Twilight gave Dash an unamused deadpan. “Well I'm going to go prepare a spell that will reveal any curses or spells cast on Rainbow Dash. If nothing comes up I'll leave you two to your bizarre, alternative lifestyle. But if I do see something, you're going to jail, Missy”

Twilight jabbed Rarity with a hoof, then turned and started trotting off. On the way out she pointed to her eye and then to Rarity, slamming the door on the way out.

“Can you believe that mare? Mind control? As if anypony as amazing as you would need to resort to that.” Dash laughed. “Anyway, it's time for you three o'clock hoof massage!”

“Not now Rainbow Dash.” Rarity waved her away. “Go scrub the floors again or something. I need to be alone for a moment.”

“Yes ma'am!” Rainbow Dash bowed and scampered off.

Rarity trudged off to her room, miserable. Everything was finally going right and it had to all turn against her after just a few days. She hadn't even gotten a week to enjoy this! And now she was going to get shipped off to jail for the rest of her life?

This was the worst possible thing! Rarity had the absolute worst luck in all the world! She jumped up and collapsed dramatically onto her bed, lying on her back with one hoof covering her face.

No. She would not go to jail! She deserved more, not less, and now that her big break was finally here she absolutely would not give up one little bit of it. Rarity would do whatever it took to deal with Twilight. Whatever it took.

Rarity noticed a piece of paper resting on her nightstand. It was the coupon for fifty percent off her next purchase of a love potion. A smile slowly spread across her face.

“You know,” Rarity said to herself, “if Twilight really, really loved me she would be perfectly okay with all of this. I do think two maids waiting on me sounds about right.”

Oh, this plan was devilishly brilliant.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

“Pinkie!” Rarity came into the cabin. “I'm back and I'd like to use that coupon for fifty percent off my next love potion.”

Madame Pinkie sat up, appearing from behind her table.

“Oh! Another one?” Pinkie asked. “Nopony ever actually used that coupon for a second one before. They've always been too doomed by then.”

“I hardly see what's so accursed about the stuff.” Rarity leaned agains the table and slammed the coupon down. “I'm finally getting the sort of attention I deserve and the pony I used it on is perfectly happy if you care about that sort of thing. Personally I don't, but you know.”

Rarity chuckled and Pinkie laughed with her.

“But seriously,” said Pinkie, her laughter ending abruptly, “I can't sell you any more of that stuff. Tragedy befalls everypony who ever-”

Rarity threw ten bits on the table.

“There you go!” Pinkie said with a smile.

She tossed another bottle from her mane and into Rarity's hooves. Rarity looked down at the tiny, hearshaped bottle.

Actually, maybe Rarity should be smart about this. Pinkie was the one who knew how to make this stuff, wasn't she? The goose that laid the golden eggs. If she used the potion on Pinkie, why then she could get as much as she needed from that point on, couldn't she? And Rarity might need more in the future. One never knew who might decided it was a good idea to be nosy about her business.

Pinkie did seem rather dull. It shouldn't be too hard to trick her.

“Hey.” Rarity smiled. “How about I, uh, buy you dinner? You know, to thank you for giving me this wonderful potion.”

Pinkie gasped.

“Are you trying to use the potion on me?” she asked in disbelief.

Great. Now this pony stopped being an idiot.

“You misunderstand. I wasn't-”

“You really think I'm that pretty? Finally!” Pinkie pumped her hoof into the air in elation, then pulled an alligator out from under her table and started talking to it. “All these years of ponies using the love potion on everypony but me. I was starting to think maybe I just wasn't good enough, but now finally somepony wants to seduce Pinkie. I thought only you would ever love me Gummi! Oh, but there's just one problem. See, I'm kind of not a lesbian like you are.”

Pinkie and Gummi turned to Rarity with a frown. Rarity frowned back, only much harder.

That was it.

Rarity jumped forward and grabbed Pinkie from across the table. With her magic she pried Pinkie's mouth open and with her hooves opened the potion and shoved it down Pinkie's throat. Pinkie had no choice but to swallow.

Rarity laughed maniacally as Pinkie chocked it down. Only when it was all gone did she pull back. Pinkie stared back at her with a blank expression.

“So?” Rarity asked.

“So what?” Pinkie tilted her head.

“Are you madly in love with me now?”

“Oh no, I built up a resistance, silly.” Pinkie laughed. “Drank way too many of them as a filly, it's why I love every thing and every pony! Why, to even have an effect on my I'd need to bath in dozens of bottles of the stuff! But what are the chances of that ever happening?”

“Well no hard feelings or anything, right?” Rarity gave a nervous chuckle.

“Of course not! Though now I'm going to have to report you to the gypsy police will will report you to the normal police.”

“But won't you go to jail too?”

“Nope! Gypsies are legally allowed to sell objects of pure evil no matter how dangerous they are so long as we give a vague warning about it. And we're kind of okay with you townies messing up your own lives but the minute you mess with a gypsy is the minute the alligators fly south for the winter, get it?”

Dang it! Rarity was blowing it again! She needed to think of something.

“I, uh, don't suppose I could get another one of those potions,though?” Rarity tried her best to give a sly smile. “You know, in the meantime.”

“I dunno.” Pinkie tapped her chin. “Cause like, you just-”

Rarity put another twenty bits on the table.

“Okie Doki Loki!” Pinkie turned back, moving over to her pile of chests and cabinets not far behind her. She bent over and started rummaging through them.

Rarity's heart has never pounded this fast or hard before. Her hooves were covered in sweat, as was everything else. She couldn't- she could not go to jail. Not for this, not because of this stupid, idiot!

But this was getting much worse! Now she had two ponies she needed to worry about. Rarity noticed a golf club sitting not far from Pinkie. Yes, two ponies she needed to 'deal' with that is, and if Pinkie couldn't be dealt with in a nice way, well that was hardly Rarity's fault was it?

Rarity lifted the golf club with her magic. Her heart stopped beating for a moment. Was she seriously going to do this?

Well the simple question was what was more important to Rarity. This mare or not being stuck in a cage. It wasn't a very hard choice.

“Of course,” said Rarity, raising the golf club high, “if you were dead I'd never have to worry about you telling anything to anypony!”

Rarity swung the golf club at Pinkie's head. At that exact moment, Pinkie ducked down to grab something, leaving Rarity's wild swing to miss and smash its way into the wall.

“Hey you're right!” Pinkie called back. “I wouldn't be able to tell anypony anything if I were dead. Huh. Interesting.”

Pinkie turned back to Rarity, noticing the golf club lodged in the wall, where her head would have been a moment ago.

“You're a really bad golfer, by the way,” said Pinkie, then turned back to her work.

Rarity sighed. She gave the golf club a tug with her magic, but it wouldn't budge. Just then she noticed a sledge hammer on the wall. She probably should have used that in the first place. Rarity gave a quick glance to Pinkie, then grabbed the sledge hammer and swung it at the mare with all her might.

The hammer hit Pinkie's head face-first with a wet, sickening sound, sending the mare flying towards the far wall. Pinkie slammed into the wall, her head barely recognizable after the blow. The cabinets above her flew open from the force of the impact. Several bottles fell out of the cabinet, all of them heart shaped and all of them containing a white liquid.

A dozen or so bottles shattered on Pinkie as they rained down, covering her in broken glass and liquid. Rarity looked down at the mare, clearly dead, and then up to the cabinets filled with potions.

“Love potions,” Rarity said to herself. “And a whole lot at that!”

Rarity smiled and trotted over to them, stepping over Pinkie. She grabbed one of the potions with her magic and levitated it in front of her.

“There we are! Just a little bit of this and Twilight won't be a problem to me any more.” Rarity looked over the potion, then turned back to the cabinet filled with bottles. “Though you know, I never did get to use one on Pierce. I could use a coltfriend who would treat me as a goddess.”

Rarity put a second potion into her bag and started to leave, but just before leaving she turned back to the rows of intact potion.

“Oh what the heck! I might as well take them all just in case I run into trouble, right?” Rarity happily threw a few more potions into her bag.

Rarity hummed a little tune as she filled her bag with bottles of the love potion. It filled up quickly, but she found two more bags in Pinkie's house which she helped herself too.

“You don't mind that I'm borrowing all this right?” Rarity asked the corpse. Needless to say it didn't reply. “Oh I've gone complete mad haven't I? I'm even talking to myself out loud! But at least I'll be living a life of luxury soon!”

Though the corpse did leave one more problem to deal with. Pinkie was likely a nomadic drifter who lived alone with an alligator. Rarity would only need to bury her and that would be enough to cover it up. Nopony would even notice she was dead until this was a cold case.

It would be a lot of work, burying her and lugging all these potions back, but after she had Rarity would never have to work another day in her life.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Rarity awoke in her bed and stretched. Twilight, now in a maid outfit of her own, had been waiting there for her the whole time. As soon as Rarity finished stretching, Twilight pushed a cart over to her bed with her breakfast on it.

Breakfast in bed, no chores, massages and compliments whenever she wanted them. Now this was the life! Having one servant was good, but having two, now that was divine!

Needless to say that potion was a smash success.

“Thank you Twilight,” said Rarity. “You've been so good recently. I trust you're not going to need to bother with any detection spells now, yes?”

“Of course not, Rarity.” Twilight bowed to her. “Even if this is magic, well I just love you so much I'd never want to do anything to risk you going to jail!”

“Good.” Rarity said in a very chipper voice. “That's all I need for now, but we're going to prepare for the big move later so be ready.”

“Yes, Rarity.” Twilight bowed again on her way out. “Thanks again for letting me be in the same house as you. This is so great!”

And then Twilight was out of the room.

Rarity bit into her muffin and pulled out the brochures from the other side of her bed. See, she had decided it would be a good idea to get away from Ponyville, go live somewhere more secluded where there would be fewer ponies, and ponies less familiar with the three of them, to ask questions. Now that Twilight's money was her money, she wouldn't have to worry about that sort of thing so much any more. And even if she did, she'd always have more love potions to smooth things over.

Her main concern now was simply which lovely island she wanted to move to. Hardly a bad problem.

Then her window broke again.

And wouldn't you know who it was. Derpy was in the middle of the floor, surrounded by boxes filled with slugs. At least those were slightly easier to clean up – not that Rarity needed to worry about that.

“Montly slug box.” Derpy, covered in slugs, looked up at Rarity.

“Seriously?!” Rarity slammed her broucher down on the table. “Again?! It hasn't even been a month.”

“Sorry,” said Derpy, “it's what I do.”

Rarity rolled her eyes. You know, she didn't need to deal with this sort of thing anymore. She had ponies for that. Rarity rang her little bell and Dash was there in a flash.

“Can you take care of this ragamuffin?” Rarity asked. “I'm busy.”

“Of course, Rarity.” Dash bowed.

“Thank you, dear.” Rarity went back to her reading.

With a cheerful smile Dash trotted into the kitchen, just a few steps from Rarity's room, and grabbed a large knife. She hummed merrily on her way back to Derpy. When she got there, she pulled back and swung the knife at Derpy's neck.

It was enough to nearly sever Derpy's head clean off. Blood spurted everywhere, drenching the carpet and Rainbow Dash. Derpy slumped over, dead in an instant.

Rarity slowly looked up from her brochure, unable to speak. All she could do was stare at the scene, stunned, mouth agape. Rainbow Dash, covered in blood but still smiling sweetly, turned around and gave Rarity a little bow.

“There,” said Dash. “All taken care of! She'll never bother you again.”

“W-why?!” Rarity stumbled, falling backwards on her chair. She looked up from the ground to see Dash slowly approaching her.

“She always bothered you,” said Dash. “Anypony who isn't devoted to you deserves to die, Rarity.”

“But Pinkie! She said this wouldn't happen.” With some difficulty, Rarity got to her feet. She started backing away. “She said one potion wouldn't be nearly enough to make you do anything crazy.”

“One potion?” Dash tilted her head and smiled even wider. “What potion are you talking about?”

Oh that's right.

“I think she means those love potions,” said Twilight.

Rarity turned to see her coming up the stairs. Her smile was exactly the same as Rainbow Dash's, just a little bit too wide.

“Don't worry,” said Twilight. “Long story short we figured that out. But it's okay, we still love you.”

“We love you more than ever, Rarity.” Dash circled around to the other side of the bed so that the two fo them had Rarity surrounded. “We drank another ten bottles each and now we love you more than anything!”

“What?! But why would you drink more of it?!” Rarity pushed herself up against the head of the bed, as there was simply nowhere else to go. “I didn't want this! I liked you the way you were before.”

Dash and Twilight looked at each other and laughed. This was getting worse and worse.

“I'm going to the police! And- and tell them that you killed Derpy!” Rarity threatened, pointing at the corpse. “I order you both to stay here until I get back! If you love really love me-”

“Oh Rarity,” said Dash. She had the most loving smile on her face. She crawled onto the bed until she was right next to Rarity and brushed her hoof against the side of her face. “You don't have to worry about the police any more. We're going to keep you safe, and with us, no matter what.”

“Especially the with us part.” Twilight stepped in front of the door. She levitated a dozen knives with her magi. “We can't bear to ever be away from you again, Rarity, so please don't do anything foolish. It'd be a shame if I had to take drastic action.”

“W-what do you mean?” Rarity could do nothing but tremble.

“Well,” said Twilight, “if you legs, for example, are just going to make you run away from your loving servants then maybe it's better you not have them. Get it?”

Twilight's smile grew just a little wider and she flipped the knives with her magic, turning them all towards Rarity.

They would cut off her legs?! A shock of pure terror surged through her entire body. She was going to die, wasn't she?!

No! No. Rarity was smart. She got through everything else so far and she could get through this. She just had to play it cool.

“I think I see your point.” Rarity tried to smile warmly at them. “I'll just, uh- what was I supposed to do again?”

“I'm glad you saw reason.” Twilight bowed and turned the knives away from Rarity again. “Just stay in your room for now. We'll take care of everything. You'll never have to leave the house, or our presence, ever again.”

“I'll bring dinner up in an hour.” Dash bowed. “I'm making your favorite!”

“Oh. How wonderful!” Rarity forced herself. She couldn't help but glance down at the blood-soaked Derpy. Her death hadn't gotten rid of the slugs, either. “I don't suppose you could clean up this mess first, though?”

“Of course!”

Twilight disappeared a moment later and Dash soon followed, dragging Derpy's body out with her. The moment they were gone, Rarity stomped her hoof in frustration.

This wasn't good. It wasn't fair! Yet again all her efforts had backfired against her!

She trotted back and forth unable to sit down, unable to stop thinking about how horrible her position was. The sheriff would have to turn up eventually, right? And she'd see these two were murderers keeping Rarity hostage and help, right? Surely Twilight wouldn't speak up about the potion once the jig was up.

Unless she hoped Rarity and her would go to the same jail.

Dash returned just then, conisderably less bloody. Rarity quickly sat down and waved to her, pretending nothing was wrong at all. Dash smiled back and started getting rid of the slugs while Rarity sat quietly, plotting.

Maybe she could escape? She could jump out the window and make a run for it. She'd probably sprain an ankle on the way down and she knew for a fact Rainbow Dash would be able to outrun her. And if they did- oh Rarity couldn't stop thinking of all the horrible things they could do to her!

She could try screaming for help once she got outside and just hope for the best.

Another thought came into Rarity's mind. Could she use the potions to take over the world or something? She could be empress of the planet! If the world were her cage then it wouldn't be so bad-

But no. Rarity opened the chest with the potions in it. There were about two dozen left. Two dozen maids wouldn't be enough to conquer much.

Escape was her only option. She wouldn't have to make it far, just yell and scream bloody murder as soon as she got outside and surely other ponies would come to her rescue. Rarity had no plans of simply waiting here for days hoping to be saved. As soon as she was alone again, Rarity would jump out the window and bolt.

So the plan was set. She went back to looking at the brochures, her hooves now trembling terribly. She couldn't even focus enough to read more than one or two words at a time, so it seemed to take an eternity, but eventually it happened. Eventually Dash filled up her garbage bag with slugs and boxes and dragged them out of the room.

“Remember to be good,” Dash said far too cheerfully, before closing and locking the door.

Yes. Rarity would have to 'be good'. She gave Dash a huge smile on the way out, having perfected the art of fake smiles ove the years. As soon as the door was closed, Rarity began to slowly creep towards the window, careful not to let her hooves make any noise against the floor.

Finally she got to the window and tried to push it up. The darn thing was stuck! Now of all times?! Rarity's hooves started to tremble again, making it even harder to fiddle with. It happened very suddenly, but the window did finally fly open.

Now Rarity just needed to jump. She looked down at the ground. Just a two story drop– that wasn't enough to kill you, right? Well she'd find out. Rarity took too steps back and charged forward, ready to jump.

But she didn't actually make it. Not because she was afraid of the fall, oh no, it was much worse than that.

Dash was there.

Rainbow Dash was flying just in front of the window, looking in on Rarity with an even more unhinged smile than before. Rarity fell back in horror, dropping down onto her haunches.

“W-what are you-?!”

“You didn't think we'd worry about the windows?” Dash landed inside Rarity noticed she was carrying a hammer in one of her wings. “Rarity, we love you! The thought of you leaving is the absolute worst for us. That's why we were going to board up the windows- just in case. But what exactly did you think you were doing?”

“I was just trying to get some fresh air!” Rarity laughed. It was less nervous and more hysterical now.

Dash laughed too.

“I'm not stupid, Rarity,” said Dash. “I think if you're going to be acting like this I'll have to break your legs. Now whimping out now, it's for your own good.”

Dash raised the hammer and started moving towards Rarity. Rarity remembered a horror novel that went something like this. She wasn't going to end up like the protagonist from that! She would fight all the way to the end. There wasn't any other choice now.

Sadly she didn't keep an assortment of weapons in her room, but Rarity looked around for anything she could use. There wasn't much time for thinking, so she just grabbed the first thing she could get her magic around a gas lamp.

Rarity grabbed the gas lamp, lit it and threw it at Dash. Dash sidestepped easily, but this just left the lamp to shatter against the floor behind her. Being full of oil, the lamp ignited the pile of blankets just behind Dash. Rarity seized the opportunity and lifted the now flaming blankets, throwing them over Dash.

The now flaming Rainbow Dash screamed and began rolling around on the ground. Rarity had no time to see what happened next, she bolted for the door and was practically tripping down the stairs just a few second later.

Only when she got down to the bottome of the stair did she remember that the window was still open and that she should have used that instead. The reason for that being the other thing Rarity had stupidly forgotten in her panic- Twilight.

Twilight was standing in Rarity's way, between her and the door. And she had those knives with her. Did she just carry those around constantly now?

“Stop,” said Twilight.

Rarity truned back to try and go up the stairs again, only to see that the upstairs was now on fire.

“I don't think that's going to work,” said Twilight. “Did you do that Rarity? Why are you being so difficult? We only want o help you. We love you so much, Rarity!”

“I'm going to get the sheriff!” Rarity threatened.

“Don't worry about that.” Twilight gave a smirk. “I already got her for you.”

Twilight's horn glowed as she began tugging something out from the other room. Rarity gasped as Twilight dragged it out along the floor, leaving a trail of blood behind.

It was the sheriff, dead, her body covered with stab wounds.

“See?” Twilight gave a cute smile. “Now she won't ever tear us apart! Anyway, the house appears to be on fire.”

Rarity looked back upstairs. Indeed it was getting much worse by the second, the room beginning to fill with smoke. Good thing she had insurance. Insurance would cover this, right? Rarity coughed on the fumes.

“We're going to leave now.” Twilight levitated her dozens of knives and took a few steps towards Rarity. “But I can't risk you running away from me. I don't ever want to be away from you, Rarity, you understand don't you?”

Rarity looked around the room, desperately searching for anything she could throw at Twilight. That strategy had saved her twice now. Before she could find anything, she felt a sharp pain in one of her forelegs. The pain just shot all over her body, causing it to lock up. Rarity winced and collapsed on the floor.

She opened her eyes to see a knife logged in her leg! The blood was just gushing out. Twilight slowly trotted over to Rarity.

“Twilight! S-stop!” Rarity tried to sound commanding, but it came out more like sobbing. “This- this much could seriously kill me! I could bleed to death! You need to take me to a hospital.”

“Now, now. None of that.” Twilight smiled down at Rarity and pulled out some kind of sack. “I know a place I can take you too, where you'll be safe and I know we can be together forever! I love you so much, Rarity.”

Rarity's vision blurred. She didn't know if it was the smoke or the bleeding, but something was making Rarity dazed. She passed out seconds later, the last thing she saw was Twilight lowering the sack onto her.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Rarity awoke some time later, she didn't know how long. It didn't take her long to realize she was still inside that bag. She felt herself being dragged along the ground, rocks bumping against her back every now and then.

Memories of what happened came back to her in a flash. She was being kidnapped and dragged off to Celestia knows where. Rarity did not want to go there, she didn't want to be held captive for the rest of her life, which this could very well come to.

Twilight was humming a little tune as she dragged Rarity forward, as if there was just no problem with this at all. That mare must not have realized that Rarity was awake. She probably thought it'd be longer till Rarity awoke. Rarity could use that. She tried to calm herself, reminding herself not to flail or else lose the element of surprise.

There was a little air hole cut out for Rarity, just big enough for her muzzle to fit through and right now that was exactly where her muzzle was. She shifted her head ever so slightly and gently so that her eye moved to where her muzzle had been.

It was still night and it looked like Rarity wasn't the only thing Twilight was dragging along. There were two carts being pulled by her magic as well, explaining why she wasn’t levitating Rarity instead. Maybe she could use that.

Rarity looked over everything on the cart, hoping to see some kind of weapon. And oh did she see one. All those knives Twilight kept threatening her with, they were right there. Being less skilled at magic, Rarity was only able to levitate half of them at best, but she lifted them with her magic and threw them point-first at where she believed Twilight to be.

At least one of them must have hit, because Twilight's magic stopped right then and so did her humming. Rarity knew from horror movies not to stop there and just started throwing whatever she could grab with her magic at where Twilight was, paying no attention to what it was. Twilight retaliated by lifting the bag that held Rarity with her magic and slamming it against the ground repeatedly, aiming to get Rarity to hit the ground head-first.

Only a few blows needed to be endured before those too ended. Everything became silent and still all of a sudden and now Rariy was just lying there in the bag. Rarity had no idea what happened but she decided to take it.

Rarity wrestled out of her bag and looked for Twilight. She was lying on the ground in a pool of blood. One of the knives had buried itself in the back of her neck. Rarity had little doubt that was the one that had killed.

She let out a sigh of relief. She was safe now. Sure, she'd have to explain all the dead bodies, but she could actually tell the truth about that, so long as she left out the part about the love potions, and everything would work out!

Rarity looked around her surroundings. She knew this part of the woods, it was near where Pinkie had set up her shop recently. But why would Twilight bring her here? Had Twilight seriously been hoping to take over the world with love potions? Or maybe she just happened to be passing by it.

“Rarity.”

Rarity knew that voice. But it couldn't be. It was impossible! Rarity turned her head around fell over at the shock of what she saw.

It was Pinkie Pie! Her head was still bashed in, nearly half of it gone, but she stood there as if she were perfectly fine, as if she were still alive. This was absolutely, one hundred percent impossible!

Rarity didn't even know how to react to this! She just starred at Pinkie with shock and horror!

“Aren't you happy?” Pinkie asked, shambling over towards Rarity. “Heh heh. Ten potions drive you crazy with love, but fifty? It makes you love so intense it can never die!”

“No!” Rarity gasped. “That-that makes no sense! It can't possibly happen!”

“But it can.” Rainbow Dash came limping out of the darkness. Her body was charred and blackened now, beyond what anypony could have survived. “We'll never ever leave you Rarity. Not even death can keep us away from you.”

“I knew you wanted more ponies to adore you,” said Pinkie. “So I went ahead and made more ponies super-devoted to you.”

“No! Not like this!” Rarity protested, but they just kept coming closer and closer.

Rarity turned to run, but saw that behind her Twilight had already gotten up, knives levitating all around her.

Rarity ran in another direction, but out of the woods came Derpy, her throat still slashed. She made some kind of guttural noise and walked towards Rarity. Then came the sheriff, her body covere in stab wounds. Now Rarity was surrounded. They were coming in from every side. Rarity silently tried to decide who the best to try and charge through would be.

“Look how many ponies love you now,” said Pinkie. “Now you have all the love you ever wanted! And we'll be with you forever!”

Rarity started running towards Derpy, but in her panic tripped almost immediately and fell right into the now empty grave she dug for Pinkie. In the darkness she hadn't even noticed it was there. A moment later all of the zombies were looking down at her. She was surrounded at all times.

“Should have stayed in your room,” said Dash. “Now we know we can't trust you to stay put. But don't worry, this will be even better!”

All of them pounced, tackling her. She wrestled against them, but six mares restraining her with hugs was simply far too much. Her heart pounded even harder when she heard something- the sound of dirt falling down on them. The others were burying them alive.

“No! I'll die!” Rarity screamed. The others didn't seem to care. “Please! Help! Anypony!”

“And we'll be together forever.” Pinkie laughed.

Soon Rarity was unable to even scream through all the dirt.

And five of the six lived happily ever after.

Vampire
View Online

A Dark and Pony Night

Vampire

Literally everypony in town was at the inn. The town had a small population, so it wasn't too hard to fit them all, but it still left the inn packed. Some ponies had already gone upstairs, or were downstairs doing some last minute business, but most of them were in the main room where there was a bar and some tables to eat at.

It was a festive scene, Pinkie Pie setting the tune by playing the piano and singing one of her happy friendship songs. Applejack was at the bar, along with a few volunteers, handing out food and drinks. Fluttershy was there too, quietly enjoying the party from the sidelines.

Twilight and Rarity were sitting together, chatting as Twilight went through her lists.

“Well, that's everypony,” said Twilight. “We're all accounted for. You can shut the door now!”

The door was already closed, but a pony sitting by it gave Twilight a little salute and picked up a near-by plank of wood and a hammer. Before they could start nailing anything to anywhere, the door burst open.

Twilight's heart stopped when she saw the door open. Everypony in town was already inside, so this could only be somepony from another town showing up at the worst possible time. She held her breath as she watched Rainbow Dash trot inside, the rain and howling wind behind her. Dash was not a pony who lived in this town.

At first, only one or two ponies turned to the opening door to greet Dash with fearful expressions. Them doing so was enough to spark a chain reaction that caused every pony to quiet down and turn to Dash one by one. The last noise was a loud pound on the piano as Pinkie suddenly ended her song upon seeing Dash.

This whole 'mood dying' thing wasn't new to Dash. Being an inquisitor meant killing the mood wherever you went. Inquisitors were instantly recognizable by their outfits. She had the red leather hat, red leather coat, the lantern, the crossbow and the saddlebag bearing the seal of Princess Celestia. Everypony immediately knew what she was and what her presence meant.

Dash had been waiting for this silence, in fact. Water dripped off her hat and mane as she waited for the only sound to be the rain falling outside. Once it was, she kicked the door closed with her rear leg and moved deeper into the room. The crackling fireplace now became the dominant noise. Behind her, the pony with the hammer and nails tucked them into their saddle bag and pushed the board back up against the wall.

“Hey,” Dash said. “My name is Inquisitor Rainbow Dash, but you can just call me Dash. I'm here on an investigation. I hope none of you have a problem with that.”

Dash looked around the room to see if anypony did. There was a moment of hesitation before anyone answered. Applejack, from behind the bar, was the first to reply.

“It's no problem,” Applejack said. “It's just we don't get many visitors around here, specially not from big important types. We're kind of out of the way, you know?”

Twilight quickly got out of her seat and trotted over to Rainbow Dash.

“My name is Twilight Sparkle,” Twilight said with her best smile. “I'm sort of like the mayor of this town. I assure you there's been no trouble in our little village at all and I never got word that an inquisitor was coming. Are you sure you aren't in the wrong place? This is Ponyville.”

The tension in the room was impossible to miss. Not one pony had taken their eyes off Dash since she entered and, other than Twilight and Applejack, not one made a sound. Dash took stock of their fearful expressions. It was clear they were hoping she was in the wrong town.

“It's the right town,” said Dash. She turned from Twilight to address the crowd of ponies standing around her. “Now look. I'm sure you've all heard horror stories about inquisitors burning down entire villages because somepony's laundry was too clean. But I assure you that that only happened the one time. That guy even got docked two days pay! So statistically speaking, you have nothing to worry about.”

“Oh!” Pinkie raised one of her hooves. “But I heard that you guys also burned down another town because there were two many black cats.”

“No, that was a village, not a town, so you're clearly uninformed,” said Dash, then she quickly added, “and I might add that that was also only one time!”

“And what about the time that you guys burned an entire village for opposing Celestia's tax reforms?” Pinkie asked. “Or that time you burned down a town for complaining that you were burning down too many villages? Or that time you burned down a village because it was full of w-”

Twilight rushed over to Pinkie, grabbed her and shoved a hoof in her mouth to silence her.

“Quiet Pinkie!” Twilight half whispered and half shouted. “Don't say anything stupid!”

Twilight turned back to Dash with a smile and a chuckle.

“Don't mind Pinkie, she's just insane,” said Twilight. “N-not the demon-possessed kind of insane or anything like that, of course! Just normal, perfectly legal insanity.”

Dash just rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, yeah! So there's a long list of isolated incidents,” said Dash. “But the bottom line is this – I'm not here for your village. I'm here for one pony specifically, so all of you can relax. Well, except one.”

There was a bit of muttering in the room as ponies glanced around at each other, for the first time breaking the silence and the stares lobbed at Dash.

“Just one pony?” Twilight asked. “I know everypony in this town, so if you just tell me her name I'm sure we could clear all of this up quickly. Who is it?”

Dash turned dramatically and faced the window, eyes narrowed.

“I don't know,” Dash said. A flash of lightning light up the room.

Silence returned to the room for another moment.

“Welp,” said Pinkie, “then I guess that's that!”

She went back to playing her music, filling the room with her cheerful song. That friendship song cut straight through the tension, lightening the room back up. Dash gave Pinkie a suspicious glance, then turned back to Twilight.

“What?” Twilight asked. “How do you not know who you're looking for?”

“There's been a number of horrible murders, regular murders and disappearances around these parts, the neighboring villages and towns and such,” Dash explained. “We have reason to believe that they were caused by a vampony, and we have reason to believe that that vampony lives here.”

“Oh, is that it?” Twilight asked. “You must have been off a little bit. I can assure you that no one in this village is a vampony.”

Dash leaned forward, pushing her face right in front of Twilight’s, and glared into Twilight's eyes, reading her every move.

“And how can you be certain of that? Hm?” Dash asked.

“Well it's just a very small place here.” Twilight leaned back under the weight of Dash's gaze. “I know every single pony here by name, everypony does. And also it's miles to the next town. If one of us was leaving every night to kill then we'd notice something strange and I'd be able to point them out to you right away. There's nopony like that in our town.”

“You may trust the other ponies,” said Dash, “but I sure as heck don't. Vamponies put up false personas all the time. The pony you least suspect of being a vampony, that's the one it always turns out to be. After doing so many of these cases, I can tell you that with complete certainty.”

“Everypony who lives in this village is here tonight,” said Twilight. “I even have a checklist with all their names on it. Feel free to check all over for signs of vamponies. If there's anything I can do to help just let me know.”

Twilight stepped back from Dash to address all the other ponies in the room.

“I think Inspector Dash is right when she says we have nothing to worry about,” Twilight said to them. “She can look for a vampony all she wants, but I'm sure by tomorrow she'll realize that there are no vamponies in our town. And even is she does stay a few days, would that really be so bad?”

Twilight smiled and waved her hoof welcomingly. She had become much more relaxed since Dash had first come in, sat back in her chair, had a more genuine smile, that sort of thing. Her address to the crowd had calmed them greatly too, a wave of agreement going through them.

“Actually, there was something I wanted to know,” said Dash. “About the whole 'everypony is here' thing. It's not normal for the entire town to be empty except one building. What's the deal with that?”

“It's kind of like a local holiday,” said Twilight. “We all come to the inn and have something like a big slumber party. We're all friends here. It's a lot of fun.”

“I also noticed that there are steel bars over all the windows,” said Dash. “And that an awful lot of them are broken.”

Applejack popped up from behind the bar to defend her inn.

“Well when you're this far out in the middle of nowhere you gotta take security into your own hooves,” said Applejack. “And there's lots of dangerous critters around here too. Those big vampire bats are what break my windows. Used to get inside too before I put those bars up.”

“Vampire?” Dash whipped around to Applejack and looked her squarely in the eyes

“Vampire bats, yes.”

“How convenient,” said Dash. Her eyes glanced up, noticing Applejack's eyes, then came back down. “And what about your hat? Hm? Where did that come from?”

“My hat?” Applejack pulled back in bewilderment. “It's a perfectly normal hat. Why are you suspicious about that?”

“Ha!” Dash pounded her hoof on the table. “I never said I thought it was suspicious! Where were you every night for the past two to three years?!”

Before she could answer, Pinkie's song ended with the same pounding of the keys that had sounded when Dash first entered.

“Sweet Celestia!” Pinkie gasped and pointed to Dash. “Nopony panic, but I think an inquisitor snuck in here!”

Dash gave Pinkie a very stern, but confused look, then turned to Twilight with the same expression

“Like I said, Pinkie has a thing,” said Twilight. “Her memory lapses sometimes and she's a little off. But she is a very nice pony! Really!”

“Well that could be witchcraft or something,” said Dash, “but lucky for you I'm too lazy to investigate two things at once. Just know that I've got an eye on you, Pinkie.”

“No,” said Pinkie, “you've got them both on me!”

Dash rolled her eyes and turned back to Applejack.

“And now you've got neither!”

“Anyway,” said Dash, “how often do you leave town 'Apple'jack? Every day for two days at a time, maybe?”

“How could I be gone for two days every day?” Applejack asked. “I'm no mathematician but I can count to two and I'm pretty sure it don't work that way.”

“How? To kill ponies! That's how!” Dash pounded her hoof on the counter in front of Applejack, then leaned in menacingly. “And you know who else can count to two? Vamponies!”

“Oh!” Pinkie Pie raised her hoof enthusiastically. “I can count to two! And I leave town with Rarity all the time, more than any other pony in town! We could totally be murdering ponies! In fact, with my memory problems Rarity could kill a pony right in front of me and I would probably just forget! Then we sneak back to our secluded-”

“Pinkie Pie,” Rarity said, sternly but not loudly, “remember our talk about not talking to strangers?”

Dash just waved away their comments.

“Quiet, you two,” said Dash, “I'm on to something suspicious here.”

“And here I thought inquisitors were supposed to be, you know, sharp in the head,” Applejack grumbled.

“Sharp in the head?” Dash asked. She tapped her forehead, then glanced at Twilight's horn, then back to Applejack with a much more annoyed expression. “Oh, I get it. Sharp like a unicorn's horn on your head! Like, only unicorns are smart enough to be inquisitors! Well I got news for you– that's racist!”

Applejack had been very patient up until now, but that patience was quickly running out. She stood up and looked Dash square in the face, meeting the inquisitor's glare with her own.

“What is with?!” Applejack demanded. “You're acting like a complete moron. I'm one of the most honest and respect ponies in town and I'm at this inn every single day, surrounded by other ponies constantly! I haven't even left this town in over a year! Where do you get off calling me a murder or a racist you featherbrained-”

Twilight quickly pushed Applejack out of the way

“I assure you Applejack wasn't trying to be racist,” said Twilight. “But you know, we do have guards posted around town at all times, being so far out, and ponies who live here are required to log in or out when they leave town. I think questioning the guards, going over the books and comparing them to the dates that the murders took place would be a, uh-”

Dash shifted her glare back to Twilight. He gaze grew more and more stern until Twilight was silenced by it.

“You're smart,” said Dash. “Too smart. I don't like that. I'm done talking to you. Instead I'm going to talk to, uh-”

Dash slowly turned, scanning the room. Pinkie Pie waved excitedly and gestured to herself when Dash looked in her direction.

“Too crazy,” said Dash.

Dash moved her hoof across the room, over Applejack next.

“Too racist,” said Dash.

Dash's hoof moved over Rarity next.

“I know better than to stand next to a mare who's prettier than me,” Dash grumbled.

Finally, her hoof came over Fluttershy.

“You!” Dash pointed at Fluttershy.

Fluttershy nearly fell off her chair.

“Me?!” Fluttershy asked. “I didn't do anything!”

“I'll be the judge of that,” said Dash. She trotted across the room and sat next to Fluttershy. “I'm not accusing you. I just want somepony to tell me about this town, maybe follow me around and constantly ask me what I'm thinking. I kinda need somepony to bounce off of like that. Notice anything strange lately?”

Fluttershy was clearly not the type to smooth talk anypony. Just being near an inquisitor as enough to reduce her to trembling and sweating. She shook her head very quickly at that question.

“No,” squeaked Fluttershy. “There's nothing unusual here!”

Fluttershy was trembling terribly, her fear of Dash too great to get any kind of reading from her. Dash took off her inquisitor hat and hung it on the chair next to her. She spotted some kind of purple drink next to Fluttershy and smiled.

“Maybe I should lighten things up a bit first,” said Dash, leaning onto the table. “Why not tell me what you like to do? What are you into, Fluttershy?”

“Well I like animals,” Fluttershy said. “I have lot's of pets. Do you, um, want to hear about them?”

Dash nodded, but soon regretted her decision. Fluttershy droned on and on about her pets. She had dozens of them and from the sound of it could talk about any of them for ours. Dash's eyes glazed over as she talked, but her plan did work to some extent. Fluttershy was growing more comfortable.

“And Mr. Mittens doesn't actually wear mittens, he wears a hat, but Sir Hatsalot does wear mittens.” Fluttershy giggled. “Isn't that funny?”

“No,” said Dash. “I think that's enough of that. You got nothing to fear from me, Fluttershy. I can say with absolute certainty that you're not the vampony.”

“Well that's good,” said Fluttershy.

Fluttershy frowned and glanced around the room.

“But you really think somepony here could be a vampony?” Fluttershy asked. “We all know each other very well and everypony here is very friendly. We're practically one big family. I really can't imagine anypony here killing somepony.”

“No one ever does,” said Dash. “Vamponies are all the same. They put up these false personas around themselves, make it look like they're the nicest ponies in the world, gain everypony's trust. They don't do it to cover their tracks, either. They get some kind of sick pleasure out of betraying everypony's trust.”

Dash leaned back in her chair and glanced over the room one more time.

“In fact,” said Dash, “of all the ponies in this town, who would be the very last one you'd suspect of being a vampony?”

“Who wouldn't I suspect?” Fluttershy asked. “Well just about everypony. But I guess the four ponies I trust the most would be Applejack, Twilight, Pinkie and Rarity. They're the most loved ponies in town and are always helping out with everything.”

“Then it's one of them,” Dash concluded. “It's always the pony you least suspect. Remember that.”

“But it can't be!” Fluttershy insisted. “Oh please don't take any of them away!”

“I'm not taking anypony away unless they're a vampony,” said Dash. “And trust me, if they are a vampony you want me to take them away, no matter how nice you think they are.”

“But,” Fluttershy started, but hesitated. “You promise you aren't going to hurt anypony unless you're sure they're a vampony?”

“Of course not! Unless they're a vampony or blaspheme Celestia or disagree with her new tax bracketing system then I've got no problem with anypony.” Dash ran her hoof around the edge of her cup and glanced at Fluttershy suspiciously. “You don't have a problem with Celestia's tax brackets, do you?”

Fluttershy shook her head vigorously.

“Oh no! I don't even know what the tax brackets are,” she said, then continued with more speed an panic. “I mean, I'm sure whatever Celestia came up with is brilliant, cause she's such an amazing ruler, I just don't know a lot about politics is all.”

That seemed to be good enough for Dash, who gave a little shrug and dropped her suspicious look.

“Anyway,” said Dash, “there are three things that can give a vampony away. One is that you don't suspect them. Second is that they'll be masquerading as somepony who's really moral or good. Third is that they'll have some weird eccentricity about them. They love messing with ponies and will pretend to be deathly afraid of spiders or obsessed with books or have some kind of mental or physical problem. You know anypony like that?”

Fluttershy bit her hoof. She gave away her answer by glancing in Pinkie's direction.

“Her?” Dash asked, only sparing a sideways glance at Pinkie. “Nah, Pinkie's too obvious. It has to be somepony you don't suspect. Somepony like her.”

Dash nudged her head at Applejack, who had managed to put Dash out of her mind and was now simply tending to the bar.

“Applejack?” Fluttershy asked. “But that's impossible. Applejack never tells lies and never leaves town. She's-”

“-the last pony you'd except?” Dash raised an eyebrow.

“But how could she kill somepony in another town without leaving this one?” Fluttershy asked.

“Vamponies are fast,” said Dash, “faster than you would believe, so fast that you can hardly see them move. They're good at tricking you too. I've seen them commit murders while supposedly standing right next to you. She could pull it off.”

“But-” Fluttershy began, but shrank back, realizing the futility in this argument. Anything she said in Applejack's defense would just make her look more guilty in the eyes of Dash.

“But don't worry,” said Dash. “Even though I'm 99% sure it's her, I'm not going to act till I have something. That's why we gotta watch Applejack all night long!”

“You hear that?!” Dash shouted at Applejack. “I'm watching you all night!”

“Then I hope you're ready for a real boring night,” Applejack called back. “I'm just staying down here all night long.”

“We're not taking our eyes off Applejack for a second,” Dash said to Fluttershy. “If she's staying down here the whole time, then we're going to have our own sub-campout at the top of these stairs.”

Dash opened up her backpack and pulled out a sleeping bag and started heading up the stairs.

“Um, 'We'?” Fluttershy asked, following Dash up the stairs.

“You're my deputy sidekick.” Dash unrolled the sleeping back on the top of the stairs and sat on it.. “I may have to go to the bathroom or something and I need a pony to keep staring at Applejack when I do. Now get staring.”

Dash turned around and stared at Applejack. Fluttershy did the same but with much less gusto.

“No!” Dash whipped around to face Fluttershy again. “Like this.”

Dash flattened and lowered Fluttershy's eyes and turned down the corners of her mouth so she was giving Applejack a proper glare. Fluttershy tried her best to keep the stern look up as long as possible.

Hours passed. Ponies began to thin out. Applejack did nothing suspicious.

Eventually, only a few ponies were left downstairs. The party was pretty much over at this point, with most of the ponies already gone to bed. Fluttershy's own eyes were beginning to suggest she do the same. All that staring took a toll and now her eyes were puffy, red and hard to keep open.

“Um, Dash?” Fluttershy tapped Dash on the back. “I think I may need to sleep eventually.”

Dash sighed and groaned, but conceded.

“Fine, we can take turns using the sleeping bag,” said Dash, “but be ready to wake back up in a couple hours. Hey! Mayor pony! Come get us some Pillows!”

Twilight brought the pillows, trying hard not to look annoyed. That sleeping back turned out to be nice and cozy. Between that and all the glaring, it was easy for Fluttershy to fall asleep quickly, Dash would take the first shift. Yet that sleep seemed to only last a second before she awoke again.

Fluttershy opened her groggy eyes to see the blurred image of Dash standing over her.

“I gotta go to the bathroom,” said Dash. “Hold this position till I get back.”

Dash turned and started trotting down the hall without another word. Fluttershy was suddenly more awake now and reached out for her.

“Wait! Don't leave me alone!” Fluttershy begged.

“You'll be fine,” said Dash, just before disappearing around the corner.

Fluttershy turned back towards the stairs and whimpered at them. The hallway was dark and empty now. The music had long stopped and everything was quiet, and here Fluttershy was out in the open, all alone. She really, really hoped that Twilight was right about there being no vamponies.

Or, actually she wasn't completely alone, she remembered. Applejack was still at the bar and there was even another pony down there, unable to sleep maybe, drinking some tea.

“Applejack?” she called down the stairs.

“You need something, Fluttershy?” Applejack turned and looked back up at Fluttershy. The stallion drinking tea looked up and waved too.

Fluttershy's heart felt so much more at ease after hearing Applejack's voice. She let out a big sigh of relief. There really was nothing to worry about.

“No,” said Fluttershy. “I just wanted to say hello. Oh, and I guess to make sure you aren't being suspicious.”

“You don't have anything to worry about,” said Applejack. “There's no vamponies here. That inquisitor will either realize that or, worst case, 'overstay her welcome' if you know what I mean.”

Applejack winked when she said 'overstay her welcome', but it still took a second for Fluttershy to realize what Applejack meant.

“Oh!” Fluttershy said, then lowered her voice to just above a whisper. “But isn't that a little mean?”

“Hush,” Applejack cautioned Fluttershy. “You know what sort of folk inquisitors are. Only other thing you need to know is that Twilight's got everything taken care of and there ain't nothing to worry about.”

Fluttershy smiled back at Applejack and nodded. She let out a big sigh of relief and sat back down. Maybe Dash was mistaken about the whole vampony thing.

Then she heard a floorboard creak behind her.

Downstairs, Applejack was tending the bar. She had just calmed Fluttershy and was feeling pretty good.

All that ended in an instant. Something moving so fast that it was only a blur came down from the top of the stairs, as if jumping off from the very top, and crashed into where Strapping Lad sat with a loud crash.

By the time any of this even registered in Applejack's head, Strapping Lad was already dead.

Applejack could see the thing that killed him clearly now. It really was a vampony with Strapping Lad's neck between their teeth! Applejack recognized who it was right away, and just like Rainbow Dash had said, it was the very last pony she would have suspected.

The vampony only gave her enough time to realize who and what it was and for Applejack to scream before pouncing on her as well. The last thing Applejack felt was the vampony ripping into her throat.

Fluttershy kept screaming, even after Twilight arrived and put a hoof on her shoulder.

“Fluttershy,” Twilight said, “what happened? What was all that screaming?”

Fluttershy could but point a trembling hoof down the stairs, not daring to remove the other from over her eyes.

There were more screams and gasps coming from downstairs. Twilight nervously began trotting towards the crowd to face whatever horror was down there herself.

Twilight froze when she saw it. Applejack and Strapping Lad were both dead. The wounds were gruesome, to the point there nopony would wonder if they were still alive.

Twilight stared at the scene for a long time in disbelief. But slowly her shock turned to anger and she gritted her teeth.

“What happened?!” Twilight shouted, not entirely sure who she was making a demand of. Twilight looked around the room, if only for somepony to be angry at. She settled on Fluttershy again, tearing Fluttershy's hooves away from her eyes. “You were watching them! What happened?!”

Fluttershy looked up at Twilight, trembling, with tears in her eyes. Twilight shook her and demanded an answer once more.

“I'm sorry!” Fluttershy cried. “I-I don't know what happened! I looked away for one second and- and then-!”

Fluttershy began crying uncontrollably. With a grunt of frustration, Twilight dropped her questioning and went back downstairs. She needed to do something, anything. Twilight decided to study the scene carefully, maybe she could find some clue as to what happened.

She noticed there was no water on the floor.

“It's still raining outside,” said Twilight, “if somepony had opened the door, there would be at least a little rain or mud on the ground, but that's not the case. Whoever did this must be inside and they must have been inside for a while. Pinkie, Lyra, grab ten ponies and search every single corner of the inn!”

A team of ponies ran off to scour the inn while Twilight continued her investigation, carefully studying the blood splattered about the room. There were blood splatters around the room, starting at Strapping Lad, moving to Applejack and then forming a neat trail after that.

“These might be hoof steps, but they're too messy to match up to anypony. The blood goes up the stairs,” said Twilight. “Whoever did this must have gone upstairs afterward.”

Twilight followed the trail of blood right up to where Fluttershy was. It ended on the pile of blankets next to her, which Dash had brought to act as a bed for herself. They were covered in blood. That was where the trail ended.

“And it looks like they wiped themselves clean with this blanket before moving on,” Twilight concluded. “How could you not have noticed, Fluttershy? They must have been standing right next to you.”

Fluttershy kept whimpering.

“I mean, I'd almost guess it was you,” said Twilight, “but I know that can't be the case. You're the absolute last pony I'd ever suspect of doing something like this. You couldn't.”

“I think maybe Fluttershy just dropped the ball.” Rarity was just now sauntering into the room. “She doesn't do well under pressure.”

Twilight looked at the trembling Fluttershy and gave an exasperated sigh.

“I guess you're right,” said Twilight. “Sorry for being so hard on you, Fluttershy. It's just– I can't believe Applejack is dead!”

“I have something I'd like to share,” said Rarity. “Pinkie and I were up early, she woke me up before dawn to play cards. We heard somepony running down the hall fast, then we heard the scream and then them running in the other direction.”

Rarity pointed down the hall she heard the hoof steps coming through.

“Then they're definitely upstairs,” Twilight concluded.

“Wrong!” Dash came stumbling into the scene, trying to put on one of her boots while running forward. That didn't work out so well and she ended up tripping over the sleeping bag and blankets, nearly falling down the stairs.

“Now you show up?” Rarity asked. “And where was our noble inquisitor while the murder took place?”

“Bathroom,” said Dash, “but you're completely wrong.”

Dash stood up and looked over the scene downstairs before nodding to herself.

“Yep! 100% wrong,” Dash said. “The vampony didn't go upstairs, they went downstairs.”

This remark was met with understandable confusion.

“Look at the way the blood marks on the stairs look.” Dash pointed to them, noting the way they streaked. “All of them indicate that the pony was moving downstairs instead of up. They must have covered themselves with blood at the top of the stairs before moving downstairs.”

“And where would they get so much blood?” Twilight asked. “They couldn't have gotten any until after they killed Applejack and were downstairs.”

“Vamponies always carry a stock of blood, or have some hidden nearby,” said Dash. “Another tell is that there's too much blood here, more has to have come from somewhere.”

“And what even makes you so sure it's a vampony? Isn't it just a little strange that the vampony would start killing ponies the second you show up looking for them?” Twilight asked. “Now that an inquisitor is here it's the absolute worst time to strike? Are they just stupid?”

“It'd be a stupid time to anypony to murder,” Dash said. “But oh look! There's the body, so apparently they did it anyway.”

Twilight just frowned, not wanting to concede the point to Dash.

“And that's why I'm a vampony hunter and you're basically just an idiot.” Dash gave Twilight a pat on the head. “But yeah, Vamponies play these sadistic sort of games all the time. All of them are like that. They get some kind of sick pleasure out of toying with other ponies. Waiting for an inquisitor to show up before they start killing is exactly the sort of thing one would do, they'd see my presence as an invitation to play. The vampony is probably standing in this very room, laughing internally.”

“So you're saying the vampony is trying to mess with us?” Twilight asked.

“I'm absolutely certain of it.” Dash nodded.

“Well if it is a vampony then they must have snuck in a while ago,” said Twilight. “The door hasn't been opened in a long time. It's either that or somepony snapped.”

“Or that one of you is the vampony,” said Dash. “Fluttershy, did you hear anything at all?”

“No.” Fluttershy shook her head. “I just heard something creaking behind me. I turned to look and then I panicked.”

“They could have snuck passed you,” said Dash. “Vamponies are seriously that fast.”

Twilight had remained very silent and deep in thought, but suddenly stood up and turned to leave.

“I'm going to check downstairs,” said Twilight before leaving.

“Looking for an intruder is a waste of time,” said Dash. “I know its someone in this town. Come on Fluttershy, we'll go through every single pony and listen to where they were when the murder happened. The killer must have left their room before the murder took place, and they must have not come back.”

“I really do think you're on the wrong track,” said Rarity. “I heard somepony running towards the stairs just before and away just after the attack. It must have been the killer and they must have come back upstairs.”

“And where were you when this happened, exactly?” Dash asked. “Might as well start with you.”

“Oh, you're actually investigating now?” Rarity asked. “Well I was playing cards with Pinkie the whole time.”

“So your alibi is the pony with memory problems?” Dash asked.

“Pinkie exaggerated before,” said Rarity. “She only has problems with short term. She'll remember everything tomorrow just fine.”

“By tomorrow it'll be too late,” said Dash. “And if I'm not mistaken, your room was right behind Fluttershy.”

Dash moved over to the door to Rarity's room and wiggled it on its hinge, creating a squeak.

“Does that sound like the creaking you heard?” Dash asked Fluttershy.

“A little,” said Fluttershy, “but I don't remember it exactly and Rarity wouldn't-”

“She wouldn't, huh?” Dash gave Rarity a sideways glare. “Then I think we found our new primary suspect.”

“You're accusing me now?” Rarity asked. “Are you as sure about me as you were about Applejack?”

“Applejack was just a slight oversight,” said Dash. “But you've got all the tells of a vampony and could have easily done this unseen. You were the closest to the crime scene and the only one who could have done it without anypony remembering you let your room.”

“Other than Fluttershy?” Rarity asked. “She didn't have anypony around her. And there could have been others too. Oh, and what just happened to your 'the vampony is downstairs thing', hm? You all saw me come out of my room just now, right? My upstairs room?”

A few ponies made sounds of agreement. In response, Rarity raised her head and gave a victorious little scoff. Dash frowned.

“It wasn't Fluttershy,” said Dash, “I'm absolutely certain of that. But I guess you have a point about the whole, upstairs-downstairs paradox. We'd better start asking around. Come on, Fluttershy.”

Fluttershy and Dash did ask a lot of ponies a lot of questions, but their answers were all more or less the same. They were asleep, they heard a scream and then they went outside to look. Every single one of them was in a room with two or three other ponies at the time and none of them remembered anypony leaving or suddenly coming back.

The search the other ponies made didn't fair much better. They searched high and low, but there were no signs of an intruder. That door was the only way in or out, all the windows having those heavy bars over them.

Hours went by. The sun came back up and now it was well passed noon. Tension was starting to build up again, but not the stunned sort Dash brought. It was more fervent, not nearly a panic, but the ponies of the town were becoming more and more desperate to find the intruder before night as the day drew on.

“Keep this under your hat,” said Dash, “but I'm starting to think it was Rarity after all. I dunno how she pulled it off yet, but she's the only one who wasn't accounted for during the murder. There's no one else it could be!”

“And now we have to stare at Rarity?”

“No,” said Dash. “Well, yes. But this time we're gonna do it in secret. Come on.”

Dash moved over to the front door and pushed it open, beckoning Fluttershy to follow. Fluttershy glanced nervously at the clock, then trotted over to Dash.

“Why are we going outside?” Fluttershy asked. “It's sort of against the rules. On our holiday, I mean.”

“Your parties already been pooped,” said Dash. “I think we have more important things to worry about.”

Dash and Fluttershy circled around the inn. Even during the day the outside was far more foreboding than the inside. It was taller than the other buildings and it was in need of a new paint job, but it was those thick iron bars and shattered windows that made it seem like a place best avoided.

“How are we going to spy on Rarity from outside, though?” Fluttershy asked. “We can't see through the curtains or get close enough to the window to hear.”

“Inquisitor's have our own little tricks.” Dash took out something that looked like a cup. “Just don't ask me how this works.”

“And it's on the second floor! How are we-”

Dash spread her wings and Fluttershy blushed heavily.

The two flew up to the window of Rarity’s room and Dash put the cup-type-thing up against the wall nearby it. Dash told Fluttershy to keep quite and put her ear against the other side of the cup. The two pegasi crowded around the device and listened.

“Do you honestly believe that this inquisitor is seriously this stupid?” Rarity asked in a harsh whisper. “No one can be that stupid, she wouldn't have managed to dress herself if she was. She knows. I don't know what she's playing at, but she knows.”

Dash pulled back and turned to Fluttershy.

“You see?” Dash asked. “She's hiding something.”

“Well it doesn't have to be that she's a vampony! Or that she's the killer!”

“Do you know what else she might be talking about?”

Fluttershy shook her head.

“She's obviously doing something illegal, if nothing else,” said Dash. “I'd say there's a second pony in on it too, by the sound of things.”

“Two vamponies?”

“Maybe.” Dash closed her eyes in thought for a moment. “Yeah. Yeah! That would explain how the vampony went downstairs, but Rarity stayed in her room, because the second vampony was the one who killed Applejack and what's-his-face. Let's see if we can hear who it is.”

“And what is that supposed to mean?” Rarity asked.

There was a pause.

“No, we have to act now. Right now,” said Rarity. There was a loud thump coming from the room. “Wait! What are you-”

Dash pulled herself and Fluttershy away.

“No good,” said Dash. “It'll be easier to just run around the side and barge into the room.”

“I kind of feel like we missed an important part of that conversation,” said Fluttershy.

But Dash was long gone, leaving Fluttershy far behind. She zoomed back into the house, up the stairs and landed outside Rarity's door, placing a hoof over the handle. The scene of her bursting back inside drew a lot of attention, but Dash stomped her hooves to draw even more of it.

“Attention everypony!” Dash announced to the room. “I have discovered that there is not one, but two vamponies. Pinkie Pie and Rarity!”

Gasps sounded through the room.

“You're accusing two ponies now?” Twilight was coming up the stairs now.

“Think about it. They leave town all the time, they're trusted memories of the community, Pinkie has that memory thing, which a vampony would totally fake, they can be in two places at once,” said Dash. “Pinkie Pie wasn't at the crime scene, because she was downstairs, wasn't she?”

“Well, uh,” Twilight turned away. “Yeah, Pinkie was downstairs. But-”

“You would never suspect her, huh?” Dash asked. “My point exactly!”

Dash entered Rarity's room closing the door behind her.

A moment passed.

Dash opened the door again.

“Never mind! Rarity's dead!” Dash yelled.

Gasps sounded throughout the room.

Several ponies rushed into Rarity's room to see. Rarity was lying on the floor in a pool of blood, a chair she had been sitting in was knocked over next to her, her neck torn open.

“Yep,” said a stallion, poking Rarity's corpse. “That's pretty dead.”

“But how is that possible?” Twilight looked over the scene, eyes wide with disbelief. “There were so many ponies standing in front of the door! Nopony could have gotten in without being seen.”

Twilight stood up and turned to the window.

“They must have come in through the window!” Twilight ran over to the window and looked over the sturdy bars, frantically studying every inch. “I have no idea how, but that's the only way.”

“Actually,” said Fluttershy, “Dash and me were standing near the window just a moment ago.”

“And it's boarded up pretty good,” said Twilight, tapping her lower lip as she looked at the bars over the window. They didn't look like they had been damaged in any way. “But then how could-”

“Ahem!” Dash called attention back to herself. “The vampony has struck again! But I think I've pieced the pieces together.”

“This oughta be good,” Twilight rolled her eyes.

“Rarity was working with the vampony in collusion,” said Dash. “But then, for reasons I don't know, the vampony decided to turn on her!”

“And who is the vampony?” Twilight asked.

“I can tell you this much without any doubt,” said Dash, “the vampony, the one who killed Rarity, was the last pony who came out of that room.”

“That does make sense,” said Fluttershy. “The last thing we heard her say was 'what are you doing'. We were at the window just a moment ago, and everypony else was standing in front of the door. The pony who killed Rarity has to be the one she was talking to. Um, right?”

Dash nodded approvingly.

“So the only question left,” said Dash, “is who was talking to Rarity a moment ago. Who was in there?”

There was a long, silent pause, then somepony in the crowd stood up.

“Pinkie Pie,” they said. “I saw Pinkie Pie go in there, then come out just before you got here.”

Several other ponies started nodding and muttering in agreement. Almost a dozen testified that Pinkie was the one who had been talking to Rarity.

“I knew it was Pinkie!” Dash declared. “She was playing the piano just like a murderer would! And that whole memory thing? Totally something a vampire would do to mess with everyone. They always mess with you!”

“What?” Twilight asked. “No! Pinkie wouldn't kill Rarity! She couldn't be a vampony either. How could any of you think that?”

“Because evidence,” said Dash. “I'm deputizing the lot of you. Go find where Pinkie is.”

To Twilight's dismay, several ponies obeyed the command. Twilight called out for them to stay, tried to remind them that Pinkie wasn't a killer, but they didn't listen.

“Sorry Twilight,” one said. “But it really does look like it's Pinkie. And if somepony's going around killing then we need to find them before, well, you know. Nightfall.”

Twilight just grunted and gave up on them. Instead, she sat down and thought hard on what just happened, looking over the scene of Rarity's murder as the other ponies ran through the inn, checking every corner.

“The guards posted at the door said nopony left!” One of them called out. “She has to still be inside.”

“She's not anywhere upstairs!”

“She isn't downstairs, either!”

“It's almost dark! Everypony needs to stick together or else Pinkie might be able to pick us all off!”

“Wait,” Twilight's ears perked up. “Wait!”

That stopped some of the frantic scurrying about.

“Wait what?” Dash trotted over to her. “You look like you just figured something out.”

Twilight hadn't expected Dash to get to her so soon. Her ears drooped just a little as she turned to the inquisitor.

“I did. I uh, I think I might know where Pinkie is.” Twilight gave a nervous smile. “There's a sub basement. If she's still inside then she has to be down here.”

“What? And how come nopony's told me about this yet?”

“Most of them don't know about it,” said Twilight. “It's where Applejack keeps her valuables. Kind of a secret, really. Don't show the others where I'm taking you.”

“Well it's not like Applejack can use any of her valuables now,” said Dash. “But as a representative of Celestia I demand you take me there right now. And be glad I'm gonna overlook you not telling me sooner.”

Twilight lead Dash to the basement and showed her the door to the lower levels. Sure enough it was hidden like Twilight said, behind a cabinet and camouflaged wall. Dash peered down the pitch black stairway. It looked like the next floor was down way deep, farther than Dash could see, at least.

“Well?” Dash turned to the other two. “Are you coming?”

Fluttershy shook her head faster than she ever shook it before.

“Down there? With a vampony? No thanks!” Fluttershy squeaked. “I'll just stay up here with all the other ponies.”

Dash looked over at Twilight.

“You're the vampony slayer, so go slay your vampony,” said Twilight. “I'll try to keep the ponies up here in line.”

“Eh, whatever. Guess not everypony has the guts to do my job.”

Dash shrugged, turned on her lantern and went into the darkness. The stairs went down even deeper than Dash had thought. She must have gone three stories down into the darkness by the time she reached the bottom.

It was much bigger than a normal secret vault would be, with hallways leading out in every direction. Dash was good at keeping track of these things, utilizing those skills to systematically move through the cellar. Still, all these hallways made it seem like a small maze. The rooms she passed were mostly empty, sometimes containing a few barrels or crates which Dash checked before moving on. They contained nothing over suspicious.

Dash heard humming as she moved deeper into the cellar. So Dash did the obvious thing and started to follow the direction of the humming until she got to a door, one leading to the room it was clearly coming from. By then Dash could clearly make out the voice as Pinkie's.

With no real caution, she threw open the door to find Pinkie Pie leaning over a crate, tapping it with her hooves in time with her humming as she pushed it against the wall. The room was filled with crates, much more than any of the others were. From the looks of it, the one Pinkie was pushing contained a bunch of old tools.

“You!” said Dash, swinging her lantern to illuminate Pinkie.

“Me!” Pinkie said, spinning around to smile back at Dash. She had more than a little ash on her face and hooves. “Aaaaaaand I forgot what I was doing. Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie! Who are you?”

“Don't play dumb. You know who I am,” said Dash.

“Do I?” Pinkie asked, tilting her head. “Did we meet today? Cause I spent too much time on the rock farm and now I have this memory thing where-”

“Still holding to that, huh?” said Dash. She put the lantern down and trotted over to Pinkie. “Well then let me clue you in. I'm an inquisitor. Inquisitor Rainbow Dash.”

“Oh no! Are you here cause my laundry was too clean?” Pinkie asked with a gasp. “But I don't even have that much laundry! I'm a nudist!”

“Nah, I'm here for a vampony,” said Dash, opening up her jacket to look over her arsenal of anti-vampony weapons. “There's a vampony somewhere in this house, you know.”

“A vampony?! Here?!” Pinkie staggered back in fear until her back was against the crates. “Vamponies are the absolute worst! You're gonna get them, right?”

Dash reached into her jacket and took out an oak stake.

“Yeah,” said Dash. “Yeah, I'm gonna get em.”

Dash cam right in front of Pinkie.

“Actually, some ponies are thinking maybe it's you.” Dash pointed the tip of the stake at Pinkie.

“Me?! But I'm not a vampony! I would remember being a vampony!” Pinkie swore, then paused to think for a moment. “Or maybe I guess I might not remember. In fact my memory issues and the fact that I travel around all the time would be the perfect cover for me being a vampony, especially if Rarity was in on it or under my vampire control. But uh-”

Pinkie just gave Dash a huge, nervous, toothy grin. Dash brandished the stake and looked Pinkie over menacingly.

And then Dash laughed. Pinkie glanced about with her eyes before beginning to laugh as well.

“Don't worry! Don't worry!” Dash waved her hoof. “I know you're not the vampony.”

“Oh that's good!” Pinkie said. “For a second I thought you were going to stab me!”

“Nah. I was uh, let's say 'toying' with the idea of you being the vampony up until now,” said Dash. She put the stake back into her jacket and took a few steps back. “But there's a very important clue I found. One that proves without a doubt that you can't be the vampony.”

“Really? Oh! This is exciting! It's like a mystery novel now!” Pinkie was like a roller coaster of emotions. A second ago she was in fear for her life and now she was all happy slappy? Dash frowned a little at that. “What was the clue?”

Dash motioned for Pinkie to come closer. Pinkie did so. Dash looked back at the door to make sure no one was listening before leaning in to whisper to Pinkie.

“You see, you can't be the vampony,” said Dash, “if I am.”

The look on Pinkie's face as she realized what that meant was delicious. That look, that fear, that made it all worth it!

Just before the mare screamed, Dash moved forward and sunk her fangs into Pinkie's throat, silencing her. Warm blood flooded into Dash's mouth for the fourth time this night. It tasted so much better when they were scared, you have no idea! It was delicious, better than cider!

But like always it never lasted long. Soon Pinkie had little blood left and the gush became a trickle. At that point, Dash let go and threw her to the ground, leaving Pinkie in a pool of blood. She wasn't dead, but would only last a few seconds.

“Ah!” Dash smacked her lips and leaned back, letting the waves of pleasure wash over her. “That felt great!”

Pinkie made some kind of guttural noise. Dash patted her on the head in response.

“You were good,” said Dash. “Killing isn't always this fun, you know. But you just focus on dying now, kay? I gotta get this blood off me.”

Dash got up and looked around the room for something. There was a tapestry not far off she could use, so she tore it off the wall and began scrubbing the blood off her, something Dash was a master at.

She was almost clean and about to cast the bloody tapestry behind when she noticed something, a loose brick in the wall behind where the tapestry had just been. It wasn't something a normal pony would have noticed just like that, but Dash had a lot of experience with these things. This could be where Applejack's hidden stash was.

Maybe it wouldn't hurt to take a coin or two on her way out. Then again, maybe it'd just be a pile of apples. She glanced around to make sure nopony was around and pulled the brick out. She was not expecting what she found.

A skull!

It's not that Dash was squeamish, she killed ponies herself all the time, but she hadn't expected Rarity and Pinkie to actually be serial killers. And there could be even more behind here, Dash hadn't even opened the thing all the way.

Eh, so she killed a killer. These things probably happened every now and then.

Still, there being at least one dead body in the basement made Dash wary. She decided she'd had enough fun for one night. If only she'd known Pinkie was a killer too, she could have pegged all the murders on Pinkie. Sadly, with the mare's throat ripped out it'd be clear she was killed by a vampire herself.

Dash would just have to stalk off at some point, a rather unsatisfying exit.

“Only four kills,” Dash muttered. “Getting rusty.”

She noticed Pinkie was still moving, convulsing a little like she was having a seizure That happened sometimes, Pinkie might be shaking a bit more lively than the others, but she was more lively than most in every way.

“Well you have fun.” Dash chuckled and turned her back on Pinkie.

She retraced her steps all the way to the top of the cellar, getting ready for her final performance with these idiots. Actually, she had a pretty good idea on how to get Fluttershy too on the way out. She reached the top of the stairs and threw open the cellar door.

Twilight stood just in front of the cellar door, looking down at Dash with contempt. Fluttershy hid behind her. There were more of them too, dozens of ponies behind Twilight, possibly the whole town.

“I know what you are,” said Twilight.

“Oh? Then you'll know I can get Celestia to burn down your entire town if you keep acting like-”

Dash tried to push past Twilight but the mare stepped in her way.

“Don't play dumb with me!” Twilight growled at Dash, clenching her teeth tight. The others behind her seemed to be doing the same. “I know you're a vampony! I should have seen it earlier. You were the only one it could have been!”

Dash wasn't nearly dumb enough to reveal herself just like that, not in front of the whole town.

“And what makes you think I'm the only one it can be?” Dash asked. “And for your information, I found conclusive proof that Pinkie was the vampony. Note how that's past tense, by the way, so you can thank me. I'll show you if you just come down and-”

“Oh no! I know for absolute certain it isn't Pinkie or any of the rest of us. You want to know how?” Twilight gnashed her teeth together, they weren't flat anymore. They had sharpened into a row of fangs!

Twilight and all the other ponies began to change. Their fur became coarse and rough, the colors washing out to a more greyish version of their colors. Their ears became more pointed, with tufts of fur at the tips. Their hooves contorted into something much more like paws, from which razor sharp claws began to emerge. Their muzzles elongated and their teeth grew into sharp fangs.

“It's because you can't be a vampony,” Twilight said, growling out each word with significant effort, about to lose control to her blood lust, “if you're a werewolf!”

Dash looked behind Twilight counting the number of ponies beginning to snarl as they took on increasingly wolf-like features. Ten, twenty, maybe thirty was the number of them crowding around the door alone. Thirty ponies Dash could easily slaughter, but thirty werewolves was a different matter, and she knew she wasn't seeing all of them. A few dozen more would be waiting in the rooms between her and the only door.

So instead of charging, Dash slammed the door shut and locked it. Already the ponies on the other side were clearly losing control, Dash heard them roaring and howling, and she felt them slamming into the door over and over again. The door slammed and shook, but Dash's vampire strength was more than enough to hold it.

How long until sunrise? It had to be at least twelve hours. Dash knew she could hold out that long, but the door might not be able to. Already the hinges were coming loose and those claws were scraping hard against the wood. Werewolf claws were unbelievably sharp, enough to dig through wood like this in a matter of minutes.

She needed to think of another plan. Maybe barricade the door then run deeper into the labyrinth below? Then she could try picking them off one by one. Werewolves would only be trouble if they all came at her at once, like they were doing now.

One of those claws tore through the wood just an inch from Dash's head. Retreat looked like the only option. She took out her crossbow and hooked it under the handle of the door for a bit of extra support before turning to fly back into the basement.

But the moment Dash turned around a werewolf pounced on her, digging it's claws into Dash's withers. She was pinned underneath the wolf in seconds. Dash knew where this one had come from at a glance, it's pink fur and blood soaked neck was all the evidence she needed. It was Pinkie Pie. Dash shouldn't have toyed with her like that!

Pinkie snarled and went for Dash's throat, but Dash wasn't about to let a werewolf to that to her. She kicked Pinkie up into the air with her hind legs, sending the wolf tumbling down the stairs.

Behind her, the door was already nearly torn to bits. One of the wolves reached a paw in slashed Dash as she stood up, giving Pinkie just enough time to come barreling back up the stairs, bearing her teeth at Dash. Dash blocked with a foreleg, letting Pinkie tear into that instead of her neck.

To make matters worse, Dash noticed more glowing eyes and growls gathering at the base of the stairs. Twilight must have sent other ponies down there, just to corner Dash at this very spot!

“Buck it!” Dash gritted her teeth. As much as she wanted to, she wouldn't be able to thing them out. She had to make a run for it.

She threw Pinkie off her leg, throwing her back down the stairs and bucked the door behind her hard. What was left of the door shattered, sending the wolves on the other side staggering back. She spun around and charged into the door where a mob of wolves were waiting to pounce on her. Dash's only hope now was that her supernatural vampire speed would be enough.

Dash managed to dart under the first wave and over the next werewolf, but another one she didn't see jumped up and bit her in the leg. Dash kicked that wolf on and continued forward, but only got two steps before feeling the slash of a claw.

She waded through claws and fangs like that on her way to the door. She dodged most of them, but the ones who got a hit on Dash dug down deep, cutting her up worse by the second. And it was still a long way to the front door.

She needed to make it to the front door as soon as possible! If she just got outside she could fly off and be fine!

Dash was nearly ripped up to ribbons, but finally the door was in sight. She looked for the handle but all she found was several planks of wood nailed into the door.

The door had been boarded up! Dash slammed her hoof into it over and over, but the heavy door proved much sturdier than the one leading to the basement. A large group of werewolves surrounded her now. There was no way she'd break through in time! There had to be an easier way out.

Dash frantically looked around anything, finally noticing the nearby window. She darted to that, only to see those thick, steel bars covering her exit. Well, now she knew what they were for! They weren't supposed to keep anypony out, but to keep themselves in. Worse, she knew every window was like that.

She felt two werewolves bite down onto each of her hind legs and start pulling. Her only hope now was to try and somehow break through the bars. She hit it, but nothing happened. She heard more growls, saw wolves jumping at her from the corner of her eyes. Dash pulled her hoof back and punched forward as hard as she could, finally knocking the bars off the window. There was a hole now, one just big enough to fit through!

Two more wolves bit down on Dash and started pulling. With all her might, Dash pulled herself forward, inching her head closer and closer to the hole. She got her muzzle to peek out just a little when another wolf piled on, biting onto her neck.

Dash slipped and the wolves all jumped onto her. She flailed about, throwing them across the room, knocking their teeth out, breaking their legs, tearing out chunks of them with her teeth. But more and more kept coming, biting into her. Soon she was covered in werewolves, being eaten alive.

And by dawn nothing was left of her but a few scattered bones.

Knock Knock
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A Dark and Pony Night

Knock Knock

Everything was black. The furniture was and walls were draped in black and everypony was wearing black. A portrait of Pinkie Pie sat just above a desk where Mayor Mare sat. All of Pinkie's friends were here, some of them holding back tears, but Pinkie herself was absent.

“S-she was just about to tell me a joke and-and then-” Fluttershy couldn't finish that sentence without tearing up again. Her voice cracked and she began weeping into her hooves.

“There there, Fluttershy,” Rarity said, patting her on the back. It had been days since the funeral, but having your friend die right in front of your eyes so suddenly like that couldn't be easy.

Dash, meanwhile, looked bored, if a bit distant.

“I dunno why I had to come to the will reading, though,” said Dash. “In fact, why does she even have a will? To leave her cupcakes to somepony? We're already eating them.”

And with that, Dash thew yet another cupcake in the air, leaving it to fall into her open mouth.

“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight began to scold her, but Maud interrupted.

“Actually,” said Maud, “Pinkie was worth over eight hundred million bits.”

Twilight flinched and Dash began coughing, choking on the cupcake she was just eating.

“Did you say million?” Twilight asked. “Pinkie didn't seem nearly that wealthy to me! How did she even get that much?”

“I guess her cupcakes really were that good,” said Maud. “It's how she was able to afford all those helicopters and candy necklaces made of priceless gemstones.”

Dash pounded her chest a few times, trying to regain her breath.

“S-so that means we're all about to become incredibly rich, right?” Dash asked, then turned to Twilight who was giving her a dangerous look. “I mean, I'm sad and all! It's just, you know, becoming a millionaire would be pretty nice is all I'm saying.”

“We won't know who has what till the will is read,” said Maud.

“Yeah, Rainbow Dash,” said Twilight. “She probably left most of it to her family.”

“Ahem!” The Mayor cleared her throat. “If you are all ready I will begin the reading of the will.”

Everypony settled down, ready to listen. Dash leaned forward with anticipation, now knowing millions were up for grabs.

“Let's see here.” The mayor skimmed over the will. “Heartfelt goodbye saying she loved all of you, blah blah blah, ah! Here's the good part. 'To my sister Maud I leave one rock.'”

“Wow,” said Maud, “she did care.”

“To the rest of my family I leave the recipe for my rock cupcakes,” read Mayor Mare. “The secret ingredient is rocks, but don't read that part aloud when you're reading the- oh. Um. Never mind.”

“Wait, she didn't leave her family any money?” Twilight asked. “I hope you're not upset, Maud.”

“Of course I'm not,” said Maud, with no emotion or expression at all. “Why would I be upset that all my sister left us was a single rock and an alligator?”

“I um, can't tell if you're being sarcastic,” said Twilight.

“No, really,” said Maud in a completely neutral voice. “I'm completely fine with my sister forsaking us and not leaving us a single dime. We really could have used the money, but it's no big deal. Really. I'm not mad at all.”

Twilight just stared at her. Again, Maud made no facial expressions and there was no hint of malice, or anything else, in her voice. That pony was harder to read than one of those eldrich horror languages. She felt Dash elbow her.

“Though on the bright side, this does mean we're probably getting something good,” Dash whispered to Twilight. “I mean, who else is even left?”

“To my dear friends I leave a stack of one thousand birthday cards each to be opened at a rate of one per year for the next thousand years. They are presently hidden under Sugarcube Corner,” said Mayor Mare. “She notes that she wanted to cover her bases just in case cybernetics are invented soon or any more of you become alicorns.”

“Cards?” Dash sank back into her chair. “All we get is cards? There isn't even gonna be any money in them, is there?”

“It's the thought that counts,” said Rarity. “I think it was very nice of Ms. Pie to leave us thousands of birthday cards to remember her by.”

“Well yeah,” said Dash, “but if she didn't leave her fortune to her family or to us who did she give her money to? Gummy?”

“I would like ten million bits to be set aside as a donation to my favorite charity,” read the mayor, “the Alligator Dentistry Foundation. Hopefully this will help them in their quest to end alligator tooth decay.”

“Dang it! She did leave more to Gummy!” Dash folded her hooves and sulked in her chair.

“Rainbow Dash,” Twilight growled at her.

“And the vast majority of my fortune,” read the Mayor, “including half a billion bits in cold hard cash, an extra hundred million in lukewarm cash, all real estate, cupcake business assets, worldly possessions, stocks, bonds, IRAs and all other bank accounts, to Fluttershy!”

Everypony, save Maud, gasped at the news.

“What? Me?” Fluttershy pointed at herself and looked around the room in disbelief, making sure there wasn't some other Fluttershy in the room. “B-but why?”

“It says that your hair was the pinkest, therefore you were her favorite,” said Mayor Mare.

“Oh my,” said Fluttershy. “I didn't know she liked my hair that much.”

“Congratulations, Fluttershy!” Rarity patted her on the back.

“Eh, at least one of us gets to be super-rich.” Dash shrugged.

“I'm so happy for you,” Maud said. “It's great that my sister gave everything to you.”

Twilight glanced at Maud sideways.

“However!” the mayor continued. “Fluttershy will only inherit my fortune if she can spend one night alone in my spooky, haunted mansion in the middle of the Everfree Forest. That way it's more fun.”

“Spooky mansion?” Fluttershy quivered in her chair. “I don't like spooky mansions!”

“Is that really legal?” Twilight raised an eyebrow. “I'm not sure if you're actually allowed to put something like that in your will.”

“Oh you are,” said the mayor. “There's a whole list of laws related to inheritance via haunted mansion based tests of courage.”

“Should probably read those,” Twilight muttered to herself.

“Did I mention I don't like spooky mansions?” Fluttershy's eyes flicked from pony to pony, desperate for one of them to save her from this fate. “Ever since I was a little filly spooky mansions have terrified me! One time I got lost in one and– oh! I don't even want to remember that!

“Don't worry, Fluttershy!” Dash slapped her on the back. “How spooky could a mansion owned by Pinkie Pie be? You'll be fine!”

“There's more,” the mayor interrupted. “If Fluttershy fails to spend the entire night there, then my fortune will instead revert to Rainbow Dash, the second closest to having a pink mane.”

“Though, you know,” Dash pulled back, “if you really don't want to that's fine too. There's more to life than money.”

“Rainbow Dash,” Twilight said sternly, “if you're thinking about trying to scare Fluttershy away, then-”

“Hey! Hey! Give me some credit over here!” Dash said. “I'm not a total jerk! I would never screw Fluttershy over! Now if it was you on the other hoof-”

Twilight gave an annoyed snort.

“Kidding! Sheesh!”

“The will further stipulates that Fluttershy must stay in the mansion on the night following the reading of this will, that is to say, this very nigh,” said the Mayor. “And then it abruptly ends.”

“Tonight?” Fluttershy squaked, bouncing up just a little before becoming frozen with terror. “I have to go tonight?”

“We all believe in you, Fluttershy.” Rarity gently patted Fluttershy on the back.

“Yeah, you'll be fine,” said Dash. “Unfortunately.”

“And I'll make sure to give you all the support you can get,” Twilight promised. “I'm going to go review those insane laws that apparently exist. Maybe there's something that will help.”

“Thank you, Twilight,” said Fluttershy. “I guess I'll see you tonight.”

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

That night, at sunset.

Fluttershy and Twilight stood at the gates of Pink Manor.

The mansion was more than a little intimidating. It was three stories tall, and made even higher by being on the top of a hill. The front of it lurched forward, the top floor jutting out over top the entrance. It gave Fluttershy the impression that it was leaning out to grab her.

“Alright,” said Twilight, “so I went over Pinkie Pie's will, and all the obscure inheritance laws that we apparently have for some reason. It turns out that I can stay in the guest house near-by and come to check on you every two hours for five minutes at a time. Any more than that and you'd get disqualified.”

“Thanks for helping me out,” said Fluttershy. “I know it doesn't seem like much, but that will really help me out a whole lot!”

“Yep. Just remember that Spike and me will be right next door.” Twilight gestured to the guest house with her head. “But only come get us if it's a real emergency. Otherwise, you'll lose your inheritance.”

Twilight bid her farewell and trotted off to the guest house, leaving Fluttershy to enter the mansion herself. She swallowed hard and with some difficulty managed to push open the unecessarily large door. That door was just so heavy, and is creaked as she pushed it open. It was like the house simply didn't want her to enter.

The entrance room didn't make up for the exterior. Immediately you came to a vast, open space going all the way up to the top floor. There were two tiers of balconies hanging over Fluttershy, the stairs in this room only leading to the lower one. You could almost fit a house in this one room.

This huge, open space did nothing for Fluttershy's nerves, nothing good anyway. She did not want to stay in this vast room all night. At the same time, Fluttershy wasn't eager to explore this place, she just wanted to find a room where she could hole up until morning. She doubted she'd be able to sleep here, whether it was haunted or not.

Eventually, Fluttershy did find a cozy room, on the second floor just past a library and short hallway. It looked like a spare bedroom. There were a few blankets and cabinets in it and a bed and fire place. What caught her attention about the room, though, was this huge padded chair sitting near the fireplace. Fluttershy sat down in it, deciding she liked this room.

Yes, this room was nice and cozy, unlike that huge, empty entrance hall.

So Fluttershy lit a fire and locked the door (ghost couldn't get through locked doors, right?) before taking a better look around the room.

Fluttershy found an old phonograph and some records on one side of the room. She found lots of encouraging titles amongst them such as 'Smile Everypony', 'Sunshine and Rainbows' and 'The All Kitten Cutesy Band's Greatest Hits'.

“Well that's good,” said Fluttershy. “These should lighten the mood even more! Maybe this won't be so bad.”

She put on a record labeled 'Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy', threw another log on the fire, sat down on the big chair and wrapped her blanket around herself. The song was catchy, but a little repetitive. Still, Fluttershy found herself bouncing back and forth a little, humming the tune to herself.

Heck, Fluttershy might even get some sleep in later at this rate. It really was cozy despite being so empty. She felt awfully silly for being so scared of this house just a little while ago. It wasn't so bad once you got to know it!

And then there was a knock at the door.

Knock. Knock.

Being all the way inside and surrounded by music, Fluttershy faintly heard it at all. Her ears perked up just a little at the sound of it, but she wasn't sure she heard anything at all. Still, she got a chill. Maybe a book would distract her?

She got up and walked over to the nightstand where a book still sat. '1001 Jokes' was the title. Fluttershy picked it up and looked inside. A zebra and a pegasus walk into a juice bar-

Knock. Knock.

No. She absolutely heard something this time, some kind of knocking sound coming from downstairs. Maybe it was a tree blowing in the wind or the record player skipping or-

Knock! Knock!

It wasn't a quiet knock this time. It was a big, loud, heavy knock, like the kind you'd get from a metal knocker. It shocked Fluttershy enough for her to tumble over.

Was that Twilight? Fluttershy glanced at the clock. It wasn't time for Twilight to come over just yet.

Knock! Knock!

The noise came again. Her mind immediately went to the worst possible conclusion. She couldn't imagine the worst possible conclusion, but that just made it far worse! Fluttershy really, really didn't want to leave her little comfort zone.

Knock! Knock!

Every time it came she flinched. Did they have to knock so loudly? Well to be fair it was a very large house so you'd have to knock loudly. Maybe they were just a normal pony.

Come to think of it, it could be Twilight or the Mayor with some kind of news. She probably shouldn't be so scared of them.

Knock! Knock!

But she was! So Fluttershy got a candle but also the fire poker (so she could hit it if it was a monster) and crept through the library and hall, across the balcony, down the stairs and up to the door. All the while her heart beat wildly.

She put the fire poker behind her back and braced herself. She counted to three, then cracked the door open just a little.

“H-hello?”

Nothing.

Nothing was on the other side of the door, just silence and darkness and the empty path leading to the woods where the dark outline of trees swayed slightly. Nothing was the only thing worse than something.

Fluttershy fell silent and opened the door all the way to peek outside. She only dared to poke her head out the door and into the night, but there was nothing there, nopony in any direction and nothing nearby to hide behind. The nearest tree was leaps away and even that was too small to cover a pony.

She didn't like this. She backed away a little.

Everything was dead silent. The loudest thing was the sound of the candle flickering in a wind Fluttershy couldn't even feel. And Fluttershy just stared out into the empty, dark, silent forest. There was nothing there. Absolutely nothing.

A little voice in the back of her head spoke. 'You let it in'.

She didn't know where that thought came from, but it scared her so much that she snapped out of her silence and into a panic.

Fluttershy slammed the door shut and turned all three locks, then put the fire poker over the handles for extra measure. She went to light all the candles in the room, frantically grabbing one from her candle holder, but her hooves wouldn't stand still. She dropped one and had to quickly stamp out the flames, but her second attempt went much better. Soon the entire room was filled with burning candles, nice and bright.

Still, she couldn't shake the feeling that something was right behind her the whole time. Putting her back to the wall helped a little, but not much.

Fluttershy tried to think of an explaination. It couldn't have been somepony knocking then running away, there was nowhere to hide! Could it have been the wind blowing the knocker?

She watched the door carefully for several minutes after that. It seemed like the knocking had stopped, at least. It hardly mattered what it was so long as it was gone, right? Fluttershy turned to leave, deciding to leave the candles down here burning. It may be a slight fire hazard, but she'd feel a lot better if she had some light down here too. It'd make it easier to come back if she needed to.

Fluttershy climbed up the stairs and started down the balcony.

Knock. Knock.

Fluttershy looked down a the door with a certain sense of dread. Okay. There was no way Fluttershy was going to be able to ignore this. She had to get to the bottom of it. At least it was light down here now and it could still be the wind, right? Right?

She trotted over to the door and sat down in front of it with a gulp.

“H-hello?” she called out to it. “Who is it?”

Knock! Knock!

Fluttershy staggered back. It almost sounded like the knocker was offended at the question.

“W-what do you want?” she asked it.

Knock.

That time it had a slightly different rhythm. Maybe Fluttershy really was talking to the wind. She crept over to the window and pulled back the blind to check outside, but couldn't see anything. It was just too dark out there and too bright in here.

Did she dare blow out the lights?

No.

Though the only other option was opening the door.

Fluttershy opened the door just a crack again to peek outside. Again there was nothing there. But the moment she closed the door-

Knock. Knock.

She'd absolutely get it next time! Fluttershy sat right next to the door, her hoof on the handle, ready to throw it open. After a tense minute of anticipation.

Knock. Knock.

Fluttershy threw the door open as fast as she could.

Nothing.

What?! How?! Nothing was that fast! This proved it was just the wind blowing the knocker somehow. I-it had to be!

Fluttershy scrambled around the room and eventually found some tape. She opened the door again to reveal nothing.

She looked over the knocker. It was big and heavy, which didn't bode well for her wind idea. Still, Fluttershy covered it with tape! That would keep the wind from knocking on the door.

She closed it and waited, staring at the door in determination. It was so silent, unnervingly silent as she waited. Fluttershy wondered if it'd be a good idea to bring the record player down here. On the one hoof she wouldn't hear any noises coming from outside that might be a monster. On the other, well she wouldn't hear any noises coming from outside that might be a monster.

She decided against it in the end and just kept waiting. An entire hour past! Or so she thought. Looking at the clock it was actually only fifteen minutes.

Still! It was the longest the door had gone without knocking so that meant the tape worked and she could go hide in the bedroom again. Everything was settled.

Fluttershy turned to leave and then.

Knock knock knock. Knock!

That last one was from the door knocker, but the others were clearly different! They were unmistakably the sound of hooves! This was too much! Fluttershy curled up in the corner and whimpered.

“Fluttershy!” Twilight called from the other side. “It's me!”

Oh the relief! Fluttershy rushed to the door and threw it open and there was Twilight.

“Twilight!” Fluttershy eagerly wrapped her legs around her.

“Oh, uh. Hi Fluttershy!” Twilight patted her on the back. “I guess you were really scared of this place after all.”

“You have no idea.” Fluttershy burried her face in Twilight's chest. “Something's been trying to get me! You have to help!”

“W-what? What's trying to get you?” Twilight asked.

“Well I didn't see it,” said Fluttershy. She stopped abruptly when Twilight gave her a skeptical look. “B-but I'm sure it's not just my imagination! Really! It – whatever it is keeps knocking on the door, but whenever I go to look there's nothing there.”

“Rainbow Dash.” Twilight deadpanned.

“Rainbow-?”

“Yeah, it looks like maybe she is trying to scare you out of the house,” said Twilight. “I can't believe her sometimes.”

“Are you sure it's Rainbow Dash?”

“What else could it be?”

“Um. A ghost?”

Twilight shook her head.

“A monster?”

“Well,” Twilight tapped her chin. “I guess it could be a monster, though I don't know why it would be knocking on the door.”

Fluttershy whimpered.

“I'll tell you what,” said Twilight, “I can't stay inside the house, but like I said I'm near by. Me and Spike will keep watch on the front door and if anything shows up we'll rush over.”

“Oh. That would make me feel so much better,” said Fluttershy, hugging Twilight again. Now if it showed up again she could just hide until Twilight came to save the day! “Thank you so much.”

Twilight hugged Fluttershy back. Fluttershy felt so much better now, though there was one thought in the back of her head that kept coming up, keeping her from relaxing totally.

“Um. How did you get the tape off the knocker so quickly, though?” Fluttershy asked. “I put a whole lot on. The entire roll.”

“There wasn't any tape on the knocker.” Twilight raised a concerned eyebrow.

Fluttershy began to tremble again.

“Okay. If you really are sure it's a monster,” said Twilight, “it might be best to just leave now. Do you want to call it quits?”

“I dunno. It might be somepony playing a prank on me, but, um.” Fluttershy bit her lip. She was always such a scardie pony. She really did want to be brave just this one time. And also she wanted hundreds of millions of bits. “I think if you're going to be on lookout I'll keep it going for a little while longer.”

“That's the spirit! I know you can do this, Fluttershy! And I promise we won't take our eyes off the door for one second! There's even a huge telescope we can watch through.”

“A-and do you really think Rainbow Dash could knock on the door and run away that fast? I opened the door just a second after the last knock.”

“Who knows.” Twilight shrugged. “She is the ding dong ditch champion, though, and a prankster. If anyone could pull off this trick it's her.”

Fluttershy nodded.

“Well, okay. Yeah,” Fluttershy said. “A little longer.”

Twilight hugged her back.

“Ah dang! My time's up,” said Twilight. “But I'll be back in a few more hours! Oh! You can also open and close the blinds real quick if you need to call us over too.”

“Thanks.”

And Twilight left and Fluttershy was alone again.

Well, if it was Rainbow Dash all Fluttershy had to do was ignore the knocking. Maybe that would work even if it was a ghost too! It could be one of those knocking ghosts or something. A ghost didn't have to want to get you, maybe some of them just had a thing for knocking on doors!

Knock! Knock!

The house shook that time! That was not the sort of thing you could ignore. Maybe Twilight saw that? Fluttershy bit her lip as she wondered.

Fluttershy had another idea. One that may or may not be brilliant, actually, she didn't know yet.

She'd leave the door open! Then no one could knock on it! If someone came up to knock on the door, well at least she'd finally see them. The fact that it was an invisible nothing was really driving her mad.

And so Fluttershy dragged the big, comfy chair to the entrance, grabbed the fire poker and turned on the phonograph and sat facing the now open door and the dark, empty forest beyond it. And she sat. Then she sat some more.

Fluttershy didn't dare take her eyes off the entrance or her hooves off the fire poker. Sure enough, the knocking did stop! That didn't do much to ease Fluttershy's horror, of course, she still had to stare out into the empty night, wondering what horrible things may be out there.

But it did do a little! Almost an hour passed without anything bad happening. Maybe this idea actually worked?

A few of the candles were getting low and that repetitive song was getting a bit too repetitive, so Fluttershy, feeling a little more confident, decided to go and change the candles and record. It'd only take a second!

She successfully changed the record, then moved on to the candles. It was in the middle of lighting a new one that she thought she heard something. Something outside.

Fluttershy backed up until she was closer to the door, then peeked her head around the corner.

And something peeked back!

It was something black, something with bright, white eyes, smiling a massive smile made of fangs.

Nope!

Fluttershy slammed the door shut. Her heart stopped beating.

“Nope! Nope! Closing the door!” Fluttershy screamed hysterically locking the door, then throwing the fire poker across the handles, then pushing the chair and a few bookshelves in front of it. “Closing the door! Closing the door!”

Knock! Knock!

It was pounding on the door now. Fluttershy scurried backwards away from the door until she was at the foot of the stairs. The door shook so hard it nearly knocked the cabinet out of the way. It was going to break through the door!

And then the noise stopped.

Everything was dead silent again, only the flickering of the flames.

Twilight! That's right, Twilight had to have seen the monster now. It was right there in front of the door and she was watching for it.

But what if Twilight and Spike both had to go to the bathroom at the same time and weren't watching? Or what if the thing was too black to be seen at night? Then they might not come!

Wait! The SOS signal! Fluttershy just needed to open and close the blinds somewhere.

She ran up the stairs. She ran across the balcony and into the library, back towards the bedroom. But then, in the middle of the library, from behind her she heard it.

Knock. Knock.

Fluttershy stopped in her tracks and slowly turned around. The door had closed behind her and something on the other side was knocking.

Knock. Knock.

It was inside! It must have gotten inside through the window or something but it was inside!

The door behind her, to the bedroom, was closed too. The library was dark. There was only a crack of light through the edges of the closed door to the hallway and entrance room, where the candles were lit.

Fluttershy stared breathlessly at the light coming from beneath the door in front of her. The dim, yellow light formed a broken line, blacked out in the middle. That must have been the monster, but it just stood there, unmoving.

Then suddenly, the blackness moved to the side and disappeared, leaving the glow undisturbed.

Maybe it didn't know which room she was in? Fluttershy didn't dare make a noise to find out.

Fluttershy heard something, not a knocking, but something similar. Footsteps. Footsteps just above her. She ducked down and looked up at the ceiling. From the sound of it, the thing was walking over top her, circling around to the other side of the room. Celestia knew why, but Fluttershy didn't want to.

But if it was there, then it wasn't in front of the door. This might be the best time to escape. Rainbow Dash could have the money, Fluttershy just wanted to keep her skin!

“Okay,” Fluttershy whispered to herself, “you can do this. You've been through worse.”

Fluttershy threw open the door. Nothing was there and that was good this time. She ran for her life, down the hall, through the library and onto the balcony.

It was there that she ran into problems. Fluttershy only got a glimps of whatever it was, but it was sitting on the second tier of balconies overlooking the front door.

Maybe it didn't see her! Maybe she'd be fast enough! Fluttershy ran and ran!

The thing jumped down and landed in front of Fluttershy.

“Boo,” it said.

“Aaaaaah!” Fluttershy screamed and stumbled back, crashing into a wall.

She was trapped! The only way out was through the creature!

Though, now that she thought of it, it looked a bit different. This one was white and blobby, almost like a pony wearing a-

“Oh wait,” said the monster. “I probably shouldn't have frightened you from this angle.”

The ghost trotted over to Fluttershy's other side, putting her between itself and the door.

“Boo,” said the ghost.

“Wait. I know that voice,” said Fluttershy. She trotted over to the 'ghost' and tore the sheet off of it. “Maud?”

“Oh no you found me,” Maud said without passion. “I was so close.”

“It was you?” Fluttershy asked in disbelief. “Y-you were trying to scare me out of the mansion? But why?”

“Yes. I was trying to scare you out of the mansion,” said Maud. “It's nothing personal. I just needed the money to get my mother an operation. Pinkie was going to pay for it, but then she died without putting that in the will.”

“Well if that's the case why didn't you just ask me for the money?” Fluttershy asked. “I would absolutely pay for Pinkie's mom's operation.”

“You would? That's so nice.” Maud's voice had no enthusiasm. “I suppose all of this was completely pointless. I'll see you later.”

Maud threw the sheet over her back and began trotting over to the door, Fluttershy following close behind. The two of them had to dig through the mountain of a barracade Fluttershy had made, but soon enough the door was opened. Fluttershy plunked back down onto her chair with a sigh of relief.

“You really did have me scared out of my mind, though,” said Fluttershy. “The way you were knocking on the doo-! Oh, but how did you make that crazy black costume? And why did you switch to a sheet? The first one was amazingly well made.”

“I didn't have a black costume,” said Maud, “just the sheet. Also I never knocked on any doors. Knocking on doors isn't scary. See you later.”

And the door closed.

It wasn't Maud.

Fluttershy stood there in silence for a moment before finally coming to her sense and running after Maud. She threw open the door and saw Maud walking away, far off into the distance, just barely close enough to make out.

“Maud!” Fluttershy yelled, waving her hooves frantically. “Maud!”

Maud casually waved back and kept walking, disappearing into the dark a moment later.

Fluttershy collapsed back into the house and closed the door. Hopefully-

Knock.

Oh no. No no no no!

Fluttershy glanced at the clock and felt a tiny bit of relief. It was almost time for Twilight to come back, it could be her knocking. It wasn't the loud knock from before.

Knock! Knock!

Or maybe it was that horrible, black monster! Fluttershy decided it would be best to just politely ask.

“Um. Who's there?” Fluttershy dared to ask.

The door burst open, literally flying off their hinges! It wasn't Maud or Rainbow Dash or anypony else.

It was the monster!

It flew all the way across the room before Fluttershy could even register its presence and pounced atop the terrified pegasus.

The thing was pitch black all over, vaguely pony-shaped but elongated in every direction, its blackness stretching out, reaching for every corner of the room. Its black paws held Fluttershy down with her face right in front of its own.

Its eyes were two white glowing lights that stood in contrast with the rest of its ragged body, open wide with mad excitement. So too was its mouth, smiling an insane grin filled with razor sharp fangs.

“Owls!” it shouted in its raspy voice.

Fluttershy, understandably cowered beneath it. This was it! She was going to be devoured!

It seemed to be taking its time, though, waiting for something with great anticipation. Did it want something? Something to do with...

“O-owls?” Fluttershy whimpered, daring to speak. It could speak, whatever it was. But what was it? Who was it. “W-who-?”

“That's right!” it screamed even louder than before, its grin widening till it stretched all around its head and out of sight.

Then it melted away. The blackness oozed into the ground, off what appeared to be the true body of the monster. Fluttershy gasped when she saw what was beneath it.

Pinkie!

Pinkie Pie's mangled remains, that is. It stood there, atop Fluttershy, for another moment, smiling an absolutely giddy smile, then collapsed onto the floor, dead. Well, dead again.

Fluttershy sat there shocked, mouth agape, heart beating hard, wondering what the buck just happened or why.

She looked at the door, then at Pinkie, and suddenly it came to her.

“Oh!” Fluttershy smacked her forehead. “I get it now! Owls who!”

She looked down at the body of Pinkie one last time.

“I guess she really did want to tell me that joke.”

Paranormal Investigation
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A Dark and Pony Night

Paranormal Investigation

“Hello and welcome to Twilight Hour,” said Twilight, putting on a sly face for the camera. “As always I'm Twilight Sparkle and we're coming to you live at midnight! The scientific community may have been less than impressed with my visit to the fourth most haunted place in Equestria, saying a chair being one degree warmer than the rest of the room somehow wasn't proof of ghosts, but tonight we're going to uncover proof that no one can deny.”

Twilight stepped back, motioning for Applejack to zoom out the camera. The camera panned out until both Twilight and the house grounds were in the shot. Just behind Twilight, on the top of a hill near a cliff, was an imposing house, or perhaps a mansion would be a better word for it. No one would need more than a glance to tell it was abandoned.

Nearly all the windows were boarded up, as were the doors, and a few parts of the walls were seemingly chosen at random. If it had ever had paint that was long gone, leaving only some sort of dark wood behind, a layer of mold beginning to grow on it to replace the lost paint. Its frame looked like it was beginning to warp ever so slightly, away from Twilight and towards the cliff. A single dead tree was off to one side, and a little more vegetation than that was on the ground.

“This is the most tantalizingly terrifying terrain in Trottingham,” said Twilight. “It's also the third most haunted location in all of Equestria. This is- Flutter Manor.”

As Twilight said this, her assistant ghost hunter, Derpy, hit a cloud giving an ominous roll of thunder. Twilight let the rumble die down before pointing her hoof up to one of the windows, one of the few that hadn't been boarded up. Even the curtains had been left in place. They were tattered and moldy looking now, waving in the wind ever so slightly.

“That window is the last place where the manor's original owner, Fluttershy, was seen,” said Twilight. “Several of the other ponies living here at the time said she appeared there suddenly, pounding on the window frantically, looking like she was trying to yell for help. Moments later, she was pulled back inside by some mysterious force. Fluttershy was never seen again. No body was ever found.”

Twilight nodded to Applejack and began trotting toward the old house.

“Ever since then, mysterious things have happened in Flutter Manor,” said Twilight, “things that have led many ponies to believe that the house must be haunted. There have been over a dozen cases of ponies who lived or worked her seeing something so frighteningly phantasmagorical that they fled, refusing to ever return, and there have been two cases of ghost-related deaths, including that of Rainbow Dash.”

Twilight was near the front door now, but before approaching the entrance moved to the side a few feet, to where the cellar door was. Twilight opened it up and motioned for Applejack to point the camera into the blackness.

“She was found locked in this cellar after having gone missing for weeks,” said Twilight. “By the time they found her, she had already starved to death. Some ponies say you could get locked in a basement without any ghosts being involved, but here on The Twilight Hour, we know better! This was clearly a case of ghost homicide.”

Applejack rolled her eyes but kept filming. Twilight closed the door to the cellar and moved to the front entrance. That door was ominous and huge, towering over any pony like it had been built for some larger creature. The door had once had two columns of small windows from top to bottom, but half of them were boarded up now and the other half shattered. The designs originally carved into the wood had been dulled beyond recognition by age, only the faintest hint it was ever there remained.

It was there Twilight stopped and turned back to the camera.

“The third, and final, owner of the house was named Rarity,” said Twilight. “Her stay was by far the shortest. Just minutes after entering Flutter Manor for the first time, one of the neighbors came to greet her. They found Rarity lying on the floor, just feet into the house, dead. The coroners conclusively concluded she had died of fright, but nopony knows what could have possibly frightened her that badly. Was it a ghost? I think we have more than enough evidence to say yes.”

Twilight pressed her hoof against the door, opening it just a crack, the door giving a long, moan-like creak like a pony being awoken from a long slumber against her will. Twilight stopped there, though, when she heard Pinkie's voice.

“Forty seconds till the theme song and commercials, Twilight!” Pinkie's voice came to Twilight privately over her earpiece.

Twilight closed the door again and turned back to the camera.

“Yes. What could have frightened so many ponies, some to death? Is it possible for a pony to get locked in a basement? In tonight's episode we'll answer all of these questions and more, including the most important question in all the world's history– do ghosts exist? Welcome to The Twilight Hour.”

“That was great, Twilight.” Pinkie came over another radio this time, the one attached to Applejack's camera. “Everypony at home is spooked out. One of them said he already soiled his pants.”

“Who wears clothes when they watch television?” Derpy stuck her tongue out. “That's just gross.”

“Just think.” Twilight looked up at the old mansion. “Soon nearly a hundred thousand ponies will see first-hoof, undeniable proof that ghosts exist. Finally, my life's work will be validated!

“Well I call this whole thing baloney,” said Applejack. “I know you fancy city folks with your so-called 'educations', but there are some things you can't learn from books, like that there ain't no ghosts period the end!”

“And how would you know if ghosts were real, huh?” Twilight asked.

“I worked on a farm for ten years, I think that's plenty of time in the real world to know if ghosts exist or not,” Applejack said. “Why if you ever smelled the fresh country air or ate real oats you'd just know for sure there ain't no ghosts or goblins or big foots or any such nonsense!”

“Well,” said Twilight, “maybe if you had ever actually read a book in your life like maybe, I dunno, 'Ghosts are Real', 'The Realness of Ghosts', 'Ten Totally True Tales of Ghosts', 'Seriously Guys There Really are Ghosts' or any of the hundreds of books of ghost literature. you'd understand that there are, in fact, such things as ghosts. The entire ghost hunter academia agrees on that.”

“I believe in ghosts, Twilight!” Derpy raised her hoof but was ignored.

Applejack and Twilight literally butted heads, glaring into one another's eyes.

“Ladies!” Pinkie called over the radio. “Save it for the camera. Oh, man! These ratings are going to be so ratetacular!”

“Hmph.” Applejack broke away first, turning to her camera. “I need to get this thing ready anyway.”

“Don't worry, Derpy,” Twilight said to her assistant. “The skeptic is always wrong. Applejack is just too close-minded to accept things without question.”

“I know,” said Derpy, staring up at the open window. “You're the one who taught me to open my mind until there's nothing I don't believe, ma'am! I'm already getting an extra spooky feeling from this place.”

The drapes on the window bellowed out much farther than you'd expect given how still this night was. It was enough to make Derpy shudder.

“Well if there aren't any ghosts,” said Twilight, pointing up at the curtains, “then what moved up there, huh?”

“Probably just a rat,” Applejack muttered, putting the camera back on her withers.

“Thirty seconds, Twilight!” Pinkie called.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Meanwhile, on the other side of the window, the ghosts were beginning to stir.

Until now, the ghosts of Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity had all been asleep together in an adorable pony pile with Fluttershy on top. Sleeping was the favorite thing of ghosts to do and thus the three of them spent nearly all of their time like this. They'd been napping for over a week, actually, but now they began to stir, their slumber disturbed.

It was always the same when a living pony showed up. You got this feeling, like someone was shining a bright light right in your eyes and a sort of restless energy in your legs that made it impossible to stay still, let alone sleep. It was annoying as Tartarus, having the living around.

Dash realized what it was the moment she opened her eyes and rushed over to the window even before the other two were fully awake. She threw open the blinds, bellowing them out, and looked down at Twilight and the other briefly before closing it again.

“Dang it!” She stomped her hoof. “It's three of them! Why can't these people just leave us the buck alone?!”

She peeled the curtain back one more time to peek at them.

“And it doesn't look like it's just a couple of stupid fillies here on a dare either,” said Dash. “These are adults and they've got a bunch of boxes and stuff. You don't think they're moving in, do you?”

Rarity, still rubbing her eyes, floated over to the window with significantly less speed and had a look outside herself.

“Hm? And I was just getting used to this too,” Rarity complained. “What living pony would want to move into such a decrepit old place?”

Rarity knew she would have gagged upon entering this house, in its current state, when she was still alive. Things like mold, dust, spiders, and creaking, rotting wood had grown a strange sort of charm to her now that she was a ghost, but she still remembered how repulsed she once was of such things and knew the living typically shared that feeling

“Maybe it's not that bad.” Fluttershy was the last to get up, giving a tired yawn like she was about to go back to sleep. “It'd be nice to have some company.”

“Nice?” Dash spun around to face her. “I can't even close my eyes when the living are around! It's not nice in any sense of the word! Annoying– that's what breathers are.”

“Well, there is a chance they might die here,” said Fluttershy. “Having another ghost around would be great. I was really lonely before you two died. Don't you think it'd be wonderful to have another ghost friend?”

“This place is haunted enough as it is,” said Dash. “We don't need a horde of ghosts around this place, stinking it up.”

“And I'm not too sure if we should be hoping for somepony to die,” Rarity noted. “We never did figure out how the whole 'becoming a ghost thing' works.”

“Then it's settled,” Dash said, slapping one hoof with another. “We'll go by standard operating procedure and scare them away. I'll have them screaming for their lives and running out the door in ten seconds flat! One world-class haunting coming up!”

Dash got ready to charge downstairs but just as she was about to fly off, Rarity bit down on her tail, keeping the pegasus from leaving.

“Hold on!” Rarity mumbled through gritted teeth, before spitting the tail out. “Remember what happened the last time you did a 'world-class haunting'?”

“How were we supposed to know you were that scared of frogs?” Dash threw her forelegs up in the air. “And most ponies don't instantly have a heart attack the minute they see something scary. Also it was technically Fluttershy's idea to use frogs.”

Dash turned to Fluttershy who meeped, blushed, and backed away shyly.

“Rainbow Dash is right,” said Fluttershy. “About the scaring I mean! We've scared plenty of ponies out of the house before. You were the only one who actually died of fright. Um, you're not still angry about us killing you, are you?”

“Of course not, dear,” said Rarity. “But firstly, frogs are disgusting, vile creatures who get their slime all over the place. Really it's strange that everypony doesn't have the same kind of fear towards them as I do. And second, I don't think they intend to stay very long now that I've looked them over.”

Rarity gestured out the window. The other flew near her and she pointed out the cameras to them.

“Remember that television thing I told you about?” Rarity asked. “Well, I think we're on it right now.
If we scared them away it'd mean never being rid of them. If they get a recording of anything supernatural this house could turn into a tourist attraction and that'd be even worse than another ghost haunting the house or somepony moving in.”

Rarity flew up into the air in a spinning motion and swept her forelegs across the large foyer.

“Think about it! Every day a thousand ponies line up to trounce all over our home! They'd loudly laugh and point to everything and there'd be vendors selling the tackiest t-shirts you can imagine. They'd be garish and have terrible puns on them. The souvenirs would be cheap pieces of plastic strewn all over our house! The unfashionableness would-”

Rarity stopped briefly, upon realizing the other two weren't terrified of how uncouth the wares would be.

“And we'd never get any sleep at all!” Rarity added.

“So what you're saying we should do-” Dash began.

“Is absolutely nothing,” Rarity finished. “If they don't find anything they'll get bad ratings, get bored, and leave us alone. Maybe the house will finally lose its reputation for being haunted too.”

“I guess that makes sense,” said Dash. “But that sounds like it's gonna be pretty boring.”

“Do you want a boring afternoon or years without sleeping?”

“Hey! I'm already convinced over here!”

“It's a shame,” said Fluttershy, peeping out the window herself. “They looked like such nice ponies. Can I at least go watch them? It's so rare to have anypony come over.”

“It's your house, too.” Rarity shrugged. “Just don't move anything.”

Fluttershy nodded and floated downstairs. A moment later Dash got bored and followed her, then Rarity went too, deciding she might as well at that point.

Twilight kicked down the door and charged in. The three of them shined their lights on every corner of the room as if they were looking for an animal that was about to jump out. When none did, Twilight motioned for Derpy and Applejack to point their cameras at her.

“No ghosts yet,” said Twilight, “but I've already got a spooky feeling.”

“Oh no!” Derpy gasped. “I got a spooky feeling too, Boss!”

“That can't be a coincidence, that'd be statistically impossible,” said Twilight. “It must be an honest to Celestia ghost causing it! Applejack, do you have a spooky feeling too?”

“No.”

“Ah ha!” Twilight pointed at her like she just fell into a trap. “Non-believers never feel the presence of a ghost so you not confirming it confirms it!”

It was around then that the actual ghosts showed up. No living pony could see a ghost so they went completely unnoticed.

“Now to set up our EVP recorder,” said Twilight. She reached into her bag and pulled out a small device. “Listening to this will allow us to hear whatever the ghosts are trying to say to us.”

“And what makes you think a ghost would even want to talk to you again?” Applejack asked.

“Shh!” Twilight wagged her hoof at Applejack.

Dash flew up and eyed the device suspiciously as Twilight set it down and pressed record.

“Do you think that thing actually-” Dash began to say, but Rarity put her hoof over Dash's mouth.

“I don't want to find out,” Rarity whispered. “Stay quiet.”

Twilight let the recording go for a minute or so before stopping it and playing it back. Everyone listened in eager anticipation. Yet as the recording played nothing but silence could be heard.

“Ha!” Dash snapped her hoof. “Nothing! I knew that thing couldn't pick us up. Hopefully, that will give them the message.”

“As you can see,” Twilight said to the camera, “or rather hear, we can't pick anything up yet. However, once we greatly increase the volume and reduce the fidelity of the sound a bit-”

Twilight made the adjustments and played it back. Now a loud, static sound filled the room.

“Well that still doesn't sound like anything within a mile of words,” Rarity said. “I think we should be safe.”

Twilight and Derpy listened to it over and over again, trying to pick something out from it.

“I think I kind of heard the word 'muffin',” said Derpy. “But maybe that's just cause I'm hungry.”

“No, I think you're on to something,” said Twilight. “It must have been the ghost of Rainbow Dash! She starved to death and her spirit is still looking for food, specifically muffins, to this day.”

“Everypony in the audience says they hear it say 'muffins' too!” Pinkie called over the radio.

“Well there you have it,” said Twilight to the camera. “Proof that Rainbow Dash's ghost is here.”

“I ain't so sure that's a ghost, Twilight,” said Applejack. “That could easily just be a rat making those noises, you know.”

Twilight simply ignored her.

“Rainbow Dash! Can you hear me?” Twilight called out into the room, ironically in the direction opposite Rainbow Dash. “We don't have any muffins. No one's going to come here bringing you muffins, okay? No such thing as a free breakfast, you know? So just give it up, stop being a mooch, and move on.”

“Oh wow!” Derpy clapped her hooves in applause. “You're a great ghost psychologist, Twilight. I'll bet Rainbow Dash is at peace now.”

“I think we need to solve the mystery of the mysterious locking door before we can conclude that,” Twilight gave a sage nod.

“Your faces are gonna be at peace with themselves if you keep this up,” Dash muttered.

“Well,” said Twilight, “now that we have definitive confirmation of one of our ghosts, it's time to look for the others! Now we head upstairs to Rarity's room to see if we can contact her.”

The three of them began walking up the stairs, Twilight telling a distorted, dramatized version of Rarity's story as she walked.

“What the heck was that?” Dash asked. “I didn't say anything about muffins!”

“Are you sure you didn't accidentally whisper something about muffins?” Fluttershy asked. “I do that sometimes when I'm thinking to myself.”

“No! These ponies are just hearing things,” Dash concluded. “Still, if that's all they're gonna get I think we'll still be safe.”

Twilight strode in front of the camera.

“So, viewers, let us know if you think this house is haunted,” said Twilight “If you're convinced just text 'Spooked Solid' to our number. Or if you're close-minded then text 'just a rat'. In the meantime, we'll continue to gather more evidence, enough to convince absolutely anypony. We now head over to Rarity's room.”

Twilight guided the others up the stairs and around to Rarity's room.

“And here it is,” said Twilight “Rarity never actually got to her bedroom, I'm still confident that the key to discovering that a ghost killed her lies within.”

Twilight opened the door. On the other side was a large and elegantly decayed bedroom filled with boxes. The movers brought things to her room before she had moved, but very few things were ever unpacked. Rarity couldn't use most of the dresses and whatnot as a ghost, but she had still taken out a few things and hung them up in the closet for decoration. She hoped that wouldn't raise any suspicion.

“Let's search through her things,” said Twilight

“Roger, Boss!” Derpy gave a salute and then moved over to a dresser. She opened it and then began throwing the clothes, jewels, and knickknacks backward onto the floor, tearing through each drawer in a matter of seconds.

Twilight was no more delicate. The first thing she did was throw the bed onto its side with her magic and then tore up the moldy mattress and box spring to see if there was anything hidden inside. There wasn't

“They're making a mess,” Rarity grumbled. “I worked so hard to get this room to be marvelously macabre and now they're tearing up all my spiderwebs, trouncing all over the dust, and getting their grubby little hooves all over my things!”

“You're the one who said not to mess with them,” said Dash, “so suck it up. You can clean to your heart's content later.”

“Get a load of this one!” Twilight called. She took a dress out of Rarity's old closet and held it up against herself. “Is this tacky or what?”

“Tacky?!” Rarity scoffed.

“And look at all this jewelry,” said Derpy, plucking up a dozen necklaces and throwing them over her neck. “This stuff is so lame, huh boss? I can't believe anypony would have ever worn it!”

“Maybe Rarity died of fright when she looked in the mirror and saw how bad her sense of fashion was!” Twilight said.

And all three of the living ponies laughed and laughed, much to Rarity's growing irritation.

“I'll have you know,” Rarity muttered to herself, “that dress was very much in style at the time.”

Derpy was laughing so hard that she stumbled backward and bumped into the cabinet, knocking it over. She jumped out of the way to avoid getting crushed but tripped over some of the stuff she had thrown onto the floor moments ago. She fell backward yet again, this time kicking up a few of the large gemstones stored in the open boxes.

The gemstone hit the wall and there was a cracking sound. An unseen latch broke and part of the wall fell down to reveal a small cubby hole on the other side.

Twilight gasped.

“A secret compartment!” Her smile grew maniacally, wide. She rushed over to investigate. “Looks like this was some kind of hidden safe, camouflaged as part of the wall. Good work breaking it, Derpy.”

“It's what I do.” Derpy blushed and rubbed the back of her head.

“Huh. I didn't know that was there,” said Dash.

“Me neither,” said Rarity.

Twilight shined a light into the cubby hole. There was only one thing inside the safe, a book.

“This must be more of Rarity's things.” Twilight flipped through the book. “Oh! It looks like her diary!”

“My diary?!” Rarity gasped. “I most certainly did not put it in there! So then how did it get in there?! And-and why are these ponies reading it?!”

Twilight was indeed showing flagrant disrespect for Rarity's privacy, flipping through the pages, reading them with super-pony speed.

“Well, maybe the movers thought it was important to you so they put it in there to be safe?” Fluttershy offered.

But Rarity that thought was already lost to Rarity, who was gawking at how the living ponies crowded around and started reading from the diary.

“Listen to this one!” Derpy wasn't even pretending to have any respect for Rarity's diary. “'Dear Diary, my biggest fear in the whole world is frogs! Sometimes I'm afraid to even go outside the house during summer just because there's a small chance I might run into one.”

And then she laughed.

“Frogs? Ha!” Twilight flipped through a few more pages. “Oh! Here's more! Ahem. 'It's simply awful! I saw something green today and nearly collapse from fear thinking it was a frog! And now I'm too scared to even leave my house. This phobia just keeps getting worse and worse! I need to go get help before it becomes the death of me.'”

“Maybe if she was so scared of frogs she should have tried not looking like one!” Derpy snickered, holding back her laughter.

And then they all laughed again while Rarity gritted her teeth.

“Whatever happened to respect the dead?!” Rarity couldn't restrain herself.

Derpy quickly picked up the camera and spun it around.

“Wait! What was that?” she gasped. “Could it have been-?”

Rarity covered her mouth. It was possible for the living to just barely hear a ghost from time to time. She hoped this wasn't one of those times.

“I don't know what you're talking about, but it has to be a ghost,” Twilight concluded. “Get the thermal goggles out.”

Derpy took them out and Twilight put the goggles on, looked around the room once in a sweeping motion, then stopped suddenly, collapsed onto her haunches, and stared straight forward with her mouth wide in amazement.

“This is,” she said breathlessly. “This is the absolute most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life!”

Fluttershy glanced around, only now just realizing that Twilight was staring right at her! Could Twilight really see her? Did those goggles really allow her to see ghosts?!

Fluttershy panicked, but not enough to run away or anything, it was more like the kind of panic that pinned you to the spot. She just sweated ghost sweat, smiled, and gave Twilight a little wave.

“That chair,” said Twilight.

Chair? Fluttershy looked behind her and saw the chair in question.

“That chair is 1.2 degrees warmer than any of the other chairs!” Twilight exclaimed with glee. “The only conceivable explanation is that this is a ghost energizing that very chair!”

“Unless it was a rat what sat on that chair,” Applejack muttered. “Why you probably don't know nothing about it, but rats can warm any chair by one degree real easy like.”

Rainbow Dash just laughed at this 'evidence'.

“This is even lamer than the EVP thing,” she said. “Everypony's gonna think she's nuts!”

“We just finished the poll,” said Pinkie over the radio. “We got over a hundred thousand votes and 80% of the audience is now convinced that ghosts are real and this house is haunted! Clay Hammer from Vanhoover says he didn't even believe in ghosts until he saw that chair.”

Dash stopped laughing.

“Wait. What?”

“Quick,” said Rarity. “We need to cool that chair off!”

The three of them moved over to the chair and cooled it down with their ghost powers.

“Oh,” said Twilight. “And now it's room temperature.”

The ghosts let out a sigh of relief. Maybe the audience would just see it as a fluke now.

“Amazing!” Twilight declared. “The hot spot has turned into a cold spot!”

“Oh!” Derpy raised her hoof. “Cold spots also show the presence of a ghost!”

Dash slammed her hoof into her face.

“They think ghosts make stuff cold and warm?” she asked. “What kind of sense does that make?”

“Ha!” Twilight pointed back at Applejack. “Can a rat make a spot cold again?”

“Sure can!” Applejack just flipped her hat dismissively. “Why one cold Hearth's Warming Eve a rat came in from the snow and nearly froze us all to death! Metaphorically, course.”

“Well the audience sure believes it!” Pinkie declared over the radio. “This just in- the polls now show that 90% of the audience now believes in ghosts! #spookychair is already trending on the internet! Vertigo says she can never sit in a chair again.”

“What?!” Dash's jaw dropped.

Twilight took off the goggles and took a picture of the room. The photo developed on the spot and in it were several splotches of light.

“Aha! Orbs” Twilight jabbed the photo with her hooves. “Orbs are a sure sign of ghosts.”

“But we didn't make any orbs of light,” Dash complained.

“Of course,” Twilight continued, “they can also be a sign of dust as that causes them to appear, too. But given the evidence we've seen thus far, I'm fairly certain it was a ghost.”

“Get rid of the dust!” Rarity commanded. They started scurrying about, trying to remove the real cause of the orbs.

“95% of the audience believes it now, Twilight!” Pinkie called out excitedly. “They're saying those orbs are way too round and smooth to not be ghosts!”

“Boss!” Derpy called. “I saw a shadow!”

“A shadow?! Ghosts love shadows!”

“100% of the audience is now convinced ghosts are real!” Pinkie declared. “Dairy Daydream says that shadow has to be Rarity's! Dr. Sponge says he's flabbergasted! He says there's no possible scientific explanation for all of this and his entire life has been a lie.”

“A shadow?!” Dash shouted. “That's their proof?! What's wrong with these ponies?!”

“I don't think we can get rid of shadows,” Rarity said.

“Well I think ghosts are a perfectly scientific explanation,” said Twilight. “Proof that Rarity still haunts this very house! When we get back from commercials we'll head down to the basement where I hope to debunk this ridiculous 'natural causes' myth surrounding Rainbow Dash's death.”

“And we're out!” Pinkie said. “They're loving it, Twilight! This is our highest-rated episode ever! The phones are ringing off the hooks with ponies saying that they're spooked solid and believe in ghosts and that your assistant is super sexy! It's so exciting I gotta get it outta my system! Wooooo!”

And something like a confetti explosion sounded over the radio before it cut out.

“I wouldn't be surprised if I won a noble prize at this rate,” Twilight said. “This place is filled with paranormal activity! After this show, we're setting up a permanent research center here! I want ponies here 24/7 looking for shadows and EVP. And we'll keep them here forever if that's how long it takes to learn everything about ghosts.”

And the team started walking back downstairs.

“But that's the opposite of what we wanted,” said Fluttershy. “I don't mind guests, but having so many of them around all the time sounds a little... stressful”

“I can't believe how stupid all of them are!” Dash exclaimed. “There's nothing there! Nothing at all!”

“Maybe we really do need to scare them away,” said Fluttershy. “Maybe if it's scary enough nopony will want to visit? I know I wouldn't want to visit a place with really scary ghosts. So, um, let's just ramp up the ghosting to eleven. I'm sure nothing will go wrong.”

“Bah. I bet if they saw a real ghost they'd just think it was their imagination or something,” Dash huffed.

“You know,” said Rarity, tapping her chin, “That gives me an idea. They may be able to find paranormal activity even where there isn't any, but what if can make them look like they're faking these shadows and pieces of dust? Maybe then the audience will dismiss the whole thing as a hoax! This Twilight pony will be pegged as a fraud and this whole thing will go away.”

“So you want us to make her lose her job?” Fluttershy asked. “Isn't that a bit mean? I think we should just go for intense scares.”

“Paranormal investigator is not a real job,” said Rarity. “If she ends up flipping burgers instead of harassing innocent ghosts like this I'd say it was in improvement. Honestly, a ghost hunter who's never caught a ghost is like a fisher who's never caught a fish! Time to pack it up for Twilight.”

“Fair enough,” said Dash. “But how are we gonna make it look like she was faking a shadow? I mean, it's a bucking shadow! How do you even fake a bucking shadow?!”

“I've got a few ideas.” Rarity gave a sly smile.

“So if the story Celestia wants you to believe is true,” said Twilight, backing up into the cellar where the other two ponies on her team waited, “then all it would take for us to get locked in here is a slight push on the other side of the door. Utterly ridiculous if you ask me. And now to disprove this little 'theory'.”

Twilight used her magic, to give about the amount of push a gust of wind would have. The door slammed shut hard and a click was heard on the other side. Twilight's face slowly melted into a frown as she stared up at it. She gave the door a push with her hoof, but it didn't budge.

“Um.” Twilight scratched her head. “Well, we seem to be locked in the basement.”

“We're, uh.” Derpy bit her lip. “We're not gonna starve to death down here like Rainbow Dash, are we?”

“We're on live television,” Twilight pointed out. “Hundreds of thousands of ponies are watching this and know where we are so I'd say we'll probably be okay.”

Derpy let out a sigh of relief.

“So I guess that's it for your idea about ghosts, huh?” Applejack asked.

“Of course not!” Twilight just lifted her head and trotted past Applejack “We just need to modify the theory. Think about it. This is an awfully terrible design for a basement door to have. Who, or what, would put such a bad door into this place?”

Applejack met the question with an apathetic stare. The two of them stood there awkwardly until Derpy leaned her head in between them.

“A ghost?” Derpy asked.

“Exactly!” Twilight declared. “A ghost would do it.”

“That's the dumbest thing I ever heard,” said Applejack. “Could have just been a rat. Maybe it chewed up the door something terrible. Or got in the way I the door factory, caused a defect.”

“Well I think we need to wait for more evidence before we come to any hasty conclusions about it not being ghosts,” said Twilight. And then she trotted down deeper into the basement. “We were going to look around here anyway, might as well do that while we wait for the fire pony to get here.”

Fluttershy floated over toward the basement door

“Uh oh!” Fluttershy frowned. “This is exactly what happened to you, Dash! I tried to open it back up, I really did, but I just couldn't get it.”

“Eh. It's okay.” Dash shook her head. “Not like I undie or anything. Is it that tough to get from the other side, though?”

Dash looked over the lock and gave it a tug with her ghostly powers. The pin was immune to magic, but not ghost powers, it seemed. The door unlocked with ease. Dash shot a glare at Fluttershy.

“Oh.” Fluttershy blushed heavily. “I-I thought you were supposed to push it.”

The basement was cluttered beyond belief, an attribute the spiders seemed to love as they had built themselves a small city around the rising piles of boxes and junk. And yes all of it was junk. That which was not junk at the time it was put there had become junk over the years through rust, wear, and spider infestation.

Twilight figured that the most important clues would be found in the most haunted piles and that the most haunted piles were the ones most covered in spider webs. She was right about that last part, at least, Rarity's new aesthetic preferences lead her to cover as much as possible with the web.

She spotted a box that was completely wrapped in webs, with several large, poisonous spiders resting on top of them. She squeed with delight upon seeing this and rushed straight over to it, flinging the spiders off with her magic, then beginning to work on the webs.

“Well at least she has good taste for a living pony.” Rarity nodded in approval at Twilight's delight at the spider web. “It's so hard to find one who appreciates this sort of design.”

“Oh I agree,” said Fluttershy. “She'd make a great ghost! But, um, shouldn't we stop her from destroying your beautiful spider webs?”

“It pains me too,” said Rarity. “But we're going to have to sacrifice a few webs for my plan to work.”

With Twilight distracted, Rarity floated off to another corner of the room.

“I really think we should stop her,” said Fluttershy, glancing nervously at the box Twilight was unwrapping.

Rarity found a few old, empty boxes and used her ghostly powers to blow the webs and spiders off of them. Next, she put a few ghastly enchantments on them, making them appear brand new and with very different covers. All that was left to do then was make a piece of nearby wood creak.

Derpy's attention snapped right to the sound.

“A bump in the night!” Derpy jumped back a foot upon hearing it. “That has to be a ghost!”

Derpy booted up her camera and charged over to where the noise came from. She had little difficulty spotting the piles of boxes, being the only thing in the basement with any color to them, or not being covered in spiders. Her excitement took a downturn as she picked up one of the suspicious packages.

“What's this?” Derpy asked, looking over the box. “A 'telethermal chair warmer'? 'Warm your chair by 1.2 degrees in ten seconds flat'?”

Derpy threw the box aside and looked at another one.

“Instant Shadow Spray,” Derpy read, then looked at another one, a book, “Voice Training for Making EVP-like Noises and Tricking your Friends into Thinking Ghosts are Real when Actually They're All Just a Bunch of Idiots? That's a long title.”

Derpy opened the first page and looked inside. It was signed and the signature was made out to Twilight, it read 'to my number one fan. Keep scammin' 'em, kid! Especially that grey pegasus. Celestia is she a stupid featherbrain!'

Derpy felt a sadness she had never known before. Her lips quivered and her world began to blur behind tears.

Meanwhile, Twilight had opened up her box and was looking at some papers from inside it.

“Look at this,” said Twilight. “It's a bill for switching the cellar door from a normal one to a death trap one that locks from the outside and is immune to all magic and physical damage. But that's odd. It was installed after she died but the signature is from-”

“Twilight!” Derpy called over to her. Twilight spun around to see Derpy holding the enchanted boxes with tears in her eyes. “W-what is this?!”

“I dunno,” said Twilight. “What is it? Is it a ghost?”

“Don't lie to me!” Derpy threw the box at Twilight. “It has your name on it!”

Twilight stepped back in shock.

“Y-you've been faking everything the whole time, haven't you?” Derpy asked.

Applejack moved in to get the boxes into view of the cameras

“Whelp I'd say I was surprised but-” Applejack began.

Twilight grabbed the loot and looked over it desperately, full of confusion and fear.

“But I've never seen any of this, I swear!” Twilight said.

“Yeah right,” Derpy turned her back on Twilight.

“No! I would never fake a ghost encounter.” Twilight tried to put her hoof on Derpy's wither, but Derpy pulled away. “There's so much evidence for ghosts that there's no need to.”

“Twilight! The audience turned on us!” Pinkie called over the earpiece. “They're saying you've dishonored the noble art of ghost hunting! They're calling in just to boo at us! #FraudlightSparkle is already trending at number three! Ratings are dropping like mad! Ponies are canceling their cable services outright!”

“I didn't know my audience was so emotional,” said Twilight.

“Was- was it really all a lie?” Derpy asked, fighting back tears. “All those cold spots? All those orbs, those shadows, those spooky feelings we had together?”

Meanwhile, in the background, Rarity and Dash hoof-bumped. It was working!

“No!” Twilight looked back and forth between the camera and Derpy desperately, before finally settling on Derpy. “Look, I swear I never used any of this stuff! It must have been somepony else! Somepony afraid of the truth who's trying to discredit the intellectual integrity of paranormal science!”

But Derpy just shook her head, then ran off crying.

“Aaaaaaand commercial,” said Pinkie, rather cheerily. “Twilight what the buck are you doing?!”

“Science!” Twilight shouted back, reaching into her bags for more stuff. “I'm doing science.”

Twilight plunked something much bigger than you'd think would fit in the bag down on the floor and began hooking up electrodes onto the scam gear.

“It's a good thing I brought all this equipment,” said Twilight. “We'll do a detailed analysis on every single piece of this con trash, track down the pony who tried to trick us, and throw them in jail for blasphemy against science.”

“This is bad,” said Rarity.

“What? Do you think she can really track us down?” asked Fluttershy.

“Yes! Easily!” Rarity pointed at the boxes. “Those were just enshrouded by a phantasm to look like they were tricks. If she does any kind of in-depth study of them, well I don't even know what half those devices are, let alone how to trick them.”

“Great!” Dash crossed her forelegs. “And once they see these are illusions with thousands watching they'll know for sure this place is haunted. If they went nuts over a shadow they'll be foaming at the mouth and having seizures over this. Don't suppose they'll all just die from heart attacks, do you?”

“Okay,” Twilight said, stepping back from one of her machines. “The NMR is all setup! Now to collect some paint fragments.”

“So what now?” Dash asked. “You're plan isn't working out so great, hotshot.”

Rarity frowned. She looked over at Applejack, who was fiddling with her camera. That gave her an idea.

“Alright,” said Rarity, “I think we have one more shot at this. If we can scare them out right now before the cameras come back on, we can get them out without giving them any evidence. Everypony else will still think they're scam artists and there will be no record of our hauntings. But we have to be fast and go right now.”

“Now you're talking my language!” Dash gave a confident nod. “'Fast and right now' is my middle name.”

Dash floated over to Twilight.

“First I'm gonna up the atmosphere with these two.” Dash jabbed a hoof at Twilight and Applejack, then whooshed over toward Derpy. “Then scare the crap out of this one. She'll go running towards the others who won't believe her for a second before- BAM! Maximum scareage! They'll be so scared they'll never want to set hoof in an old house ever again.”

“Stop telling us what you're about to do and do it,” said Rarity.

Dash gave an exasperated sigh and floated off into the wall. A moment later blood began seeping out of the cracks.

“Isn't that a bit much?” Rarity asked.

“We need them out of here fast!”

It wasn't a deluge of blood, just a trickle, enough to keep a large part of it wet, warm, and red. Twilight noticed the warm, wet part first when she sat down against the wall. It startled her at first, but that quickly turned to excitement after she touched the blood with her hoof and realized what it was.

“Blood,” Twilight whispered. “It's blood! Blood coming out of the wall!”

Twilight licked her hoof, tasting it.

“And pony blood at that.”

“You know what pony blood tastes like?” Applejack asked. “Are you sure it's not just rat blood?”

“Well maybe I don't know,” said Twilight. “But I can assume it's pony blood, right?”

Twilight lit her horn up and looked over the bleeding wall with a sense of wonder, like a foal seeing Whinnyland for the first time.

“This is amazing!” Twilight could barely contain her excitement. “It's a well-known fact that the only possible explanation for a bleeding wall is ghosts.”

“Tch,” Applejack tched, “a bleeding wall don't mean nothin! Why back on the farm I've seen walls bleed ten times this much! It's just something old houses do.”

“I'm pretty sure they don't do that,” Twilight grumbled. “Not unless they're haunted”

“Not unless you live on a farm” Applejack corrected her. “Blood comes from everywhere. Rats get stuck in the wall and the blood comes oozing out. Shoot I've even seen blood come bubbling up through a cement floor once. All completely natural, rat-based occurrences. And that ain't even the worst of it. You don't even know where the blood comes from after you get your cutie mark.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow.

“Um. What? Applejack, that's not supposed to happen to ponies. We go through an estrus cycle.”

“What's not supposed to happen?” Applejack asked. “And what does blood oozing from the ceiling have to do with estrus?”

“Oh I thought you meant it'd come from uh-”

“From where?”

“N-never mind,” said Twilight. “We need to start filming again right away! Pinkie! Come back from commercial.”

“No can do, Twi,” Pinkie said over the radio. “The commercials are the entire point of the show! We can't cut them short.”

“Well at least we'll be famous in a couple of minutes,” Twilight muttered.

Rarity gave Dash an unamused look.

“They don't look very on edge to me.”

“Didn't you just say it was too much?” Dash asked. “Besides, it's the other one we gotta worry about.”

Dash zoomed over to the part of the basement Derpy had retreated to. The others followed close behind, Fluttershy paying special attention to the boxes filled with dangerous, enchanted blades that they passed on the way.

“This looks dangerous,” said Fluttershy. “I mean, her running around down here, next to your old collection of vorpal blades. She could get hurt completely on accident, running around. That'd be terrible if she were hurt, um, accidentally, right?”

“She'll be fine.” Dash rolled her eyes. “Now then.”

Dash rubbed her hooves together and dove down under the ground. Derpy, for her part, had only calmed down a little and was now sobbing gently, sitting in the corner, facing the wall.

“And-and to think I was gonna ask that jerk to be my BFF.” Derpy took out a small locket and whimpered at it. It was a BFF locket, one she spent fifteen bits on!

Derpy came to attention when she felt the floor vibrate, then heard a sickening cracking noise. There, just a few steps away, was a hole in the ground. The cement floor looked like a portion of it had just melted down into some deep cavern far below.

Derpy frowned and trotted over to the hole like she was ready to fight.

“I'm not falling for your cheap parlor tricks anymore,” Derpy yelled down the hole, sticking her head inside. Looking down into it, there was just blackness all the way.

A set of claws came out of the darkness and dug into the cement near the edge of the hole, leaving visible marks.

“Oh come on! Where'd you get those, Twilight? The bit store? This is your cheapest trick yet!”

Three more sets of claws came up from the hole, then a half dozen red eyes appeared deep in the darkness. Derpy was about to make another skeptical comment when Dash's apparition emerged from the hole.

“Wait a second,” Derpy leaned in towards the ghost critically. “This is clearly an undrophore, but it has four circular rows of incisors with six canines on each row, whereas a true undrophore would have five rows with canines on only the first two. Twilight never would have made a technical mistake like that, meaning-”

The color from Derpy's face drained. Her heart sank. Fear dripped down her spine and into her legs.

“Oh no!” Derpy turned tail and ran, screaming. “Aaaaah!”

She didn't get too far before slipping on the blood that had been oozing out of the wall, falling backward into a box of vorpal daggers. Amazingly, none of them even scratched her, but one of them was sent flying upwards, towards one of the vorpal axes on the wall. Though it just barely touched the axe, vorpal weapons were so sharp they could slice through anything like hot butter, and that's just what the vorpal dagger did to the handle of the axe.

The vorpal axe fell down on Derpy, slicing her head off with no resistance at all.

The ghosts just sat there, stunned.

“What?!” Dash forgot all about her apparition, leaving it to slowly vanish. “I did not make nearly this much blood.”

“I made just a little bit more blood,” said Fluttershy. “Well okay, maybe a lot more. You know, to make it spookier.”

“Fluttershy!” Dash scolded and that was all it took to send Fluttershy cowering away. “Gah! Now we're gonna have another ghost floating around here forever!”

That was about when Twilight and Applejack, having heard the scream, came charging into the room. There they found Derpy dead, her head still rolling across the room.

“Derpy!” Twilight gasped. “Sh-she's dead! What could have possibly cut her head off like this?”

“Oh yes,” said Applejack, tapping a box filled with daggers, “what in this room filled with razor-sharp swords, axes, and scythes could have possibly decapitated her?”

“A ghost,” said Twilight. “That's the only explanation! What else could it even be?”

“Could have been a rat,” said Applejack. “Why, back on the farm I seen rats that could bite a stallion in half!”

“A rat?!” Twilight angrily jabbed her hoof at Big Mac's head. “You think a rat bit Derpy's head clean off?”

“Oh, so being all skeptical of ghosts is horrible but it's okay for you to be skeptical of rats that can decapitate ponies?”

“I guess that's a fair point,” said Twilight. “Maybe I should be more open-minded.”

“It was totally a rat, Twilight!” Pinkie's voice came over the speaker. “You're in no danger and can keep going!”

“Honestly I think a decapitation rat would be even more dangerous than a ghost,” said Twilight.

“Well you're just going to have to deal with it,” said Pinkie. “Young fillies these days love blood and death, Twilight! The viewers are going to love this! Back on air in three, two...”

“Oh crap!” Dash slammed her hoof into her face. “Now everypony is gonna see all of this! We're screwed!”

Just then Derpy's ghost rose from her body. She looked around, confused.

Rarity approached her first.

“Now, dear,” said Rarity. “I don't know how to put this, but you're dead. And also a ghost. Ghosts are real, by the way.”

“But that means Twilight was telling the truth!” Derpy clapped her hooves. “Yay!”

“I wouldn't yay just yet,” said Dash. “Ghost rules say you're stuck where you died. You can't leave the house, or at least can't get far from it.”

“I'm stuck here?” Derpy asked.

“There's no need to panic,” said Fluttershy. “Everypony here is really nice. We like taking naps and playing cards and every Friday is bingo night. We get really competitive so-”

“But didn't you guys just kill me?” Derpy asked.

“Well, other than that we're nice.” Fluttershy offered a warm smile.

“There are a few plus sides.” Dash flew over to Derpy's side and put a foreleg around her. “You get cool ghost powers at least.”

“Ghost powers?” Derpy asked. She waved her hoof as mystically as she could and phantasmagorical sparks appeared around them. Those sparks just lit up her face with excitement. “This is the best day ever!”

She floated up into the air and did a flip.

“And I can fly now too!” Derpy explained

“You were a pegasus, dear,” said Rarity. “You could already-”

“Yay!” Derpy zipped up into the air, through a wall, and out of sight.

“Well she seems happy,” said Fluttershy.

“I honestly expected her to be more upset,” said Dash. “But then again I expected ponies not to be this incredibly stupid. Seriously, what the buck happened in the past century?!”

“Television, I'd wager,” said Rarity.

“-and that's pretty much what happened,” Twilight said to the camera. “Any credible scientist would immediately conclude this was the work of a ghost, but there are still some doubts. For example, this ax buried in the ground right next to Derpy's neck could have also played a role, but since we can't go back in time and check for certain that remains just a theory.”

“The audience is going crazy, Twilight!” Pinkie called over the radio. “Gilded Cage says this is the most exciting moment in television since that time that one clown cursed on TV! Hammer Wall wants to know why we're still filming this instead of calling the police or something!”

“Well, Hammer,” said Applejack, “I get paid by the house so I reckon I'll be recording this till the sheriff tells me to stop. Sides, this is just a plain old rat homicide. Nothing the police can do about that.”

“The audience is divided on whether this was the work of a ghost or a rat,” said Pinkie. “Chill Wings says the solution must always rest in the middle. She says maybe the ghost scared a rat so bad it gnawed on the ax till that fell over and killed Derpy. That way everypony is right and nopony has to feel bad!”

“Oh no, you don't! This was 100% ghost-related. We'll just have to debunk this rat theory once and for all,” said Twilight. “Then I can regain my reputation as a legitimate researcher.”

Twilight sat down to think.

“Okay, where do rats live?” Twilight asked.

Applejack took a moment to realize Twilight was talking to her.

“What? Oh.” Applejack shook her head. “That's an unknowable mystery. Nopony knows where rats come from and nopony ever will.”

“Well.” Twilight chuckled. “It's a good thing we have an actual scientist here, isn't it? It's widely believed that rats live near ponies, but always just out of sight. In an old house like this, it'd most likely be in the secret passage that old houses always have. Luckily I have my secret passage spell all ready to go!”

Twilight cast the spell and presto, part of the wall lit up. She smashed through it with magic and there was the passage. It was a cramped hallway, every inch of it covered in cobwebs, leading to a tight stairway. As always, Twilight squealed with delight and ran right in, dusting away the cobwebs with her magic.

“Why am I just now learning about all these hidden passages?” Dash asked.

“I guess maybe I never went looking for them?” Fluttershy offered a meek smile and shrugged.

“But didn't you build this place?” Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Shouldn't you know everything about it?”

“Oh, uh.” Fluttershy's smile became visibly strained. “Oh! That's, uh, that's right. I told the builders to surprise me so that's why I have no idea about this stuff.”

Rainbow Dash and Rarity were not amused by this answer, giving Fluttershy sharp glares.

“I sure don't see any rats down here, Applejack,” Twilight called out in a particularly smug voice.

“The audience doesn't see any rats either!” Pinkie came over the radio. “They're saying there's no way you could have faked this.”

“Looks like I might be able to set up a laboratory here after all,” said Twilight.

Dash growled.

“First thing's first.” Dash turned away from Fluttershy, turning her frustration to Rarity instead. “Your stupid plan didn't work so now we do things my way!”

Dash flew upstairs, to where the living ponies were headed. Rarity reached out to grab her, but Dash got away too fast.

“Wait! Oh darn.” Rarity flew after her.

Meanwhile, Twilight and Applejack had reached the top of the stairs.

“-so you see,” Twilight continued rambling on, “given that we don't know the explanation to something, we can conclude that ghosts are the explanation. That's how science works.”

Before Applejack could even react to that, Dash set her plan in motion. Not trying to get within even a mile of subtlety, Dash had decided to go for the 'chainsaw maniac' angle. Just a step or two away from Twilight, a chainsaw tore through the center of the wall and began carving out a whole. All the while it made the most sickening noise, that of resty metal tearing through moldy, decrepit wood.

“Okay! That is clearly a ghost!” Twilight scrambled back as far away as the chainsawed wall as possible.

“Could just be a rat.” Applejack shrugged.

“A chainsaw rat?!”

“Typical city folk. Never even seen a rat wielding a chainsaw.” Applejack shook her head.

“Well either way I think we should get out of here!” Twilight galloped to the door and threw it open.

“And risk running into more rats?” Applejack asked. “I say we just jump! We're only on the second story. Back on the farm, we'd jump out the second-story window all the time.”

Applejack went over to the window instead and threw it open.

“Come on!” Applejack gestured Twilight over.

“Are you sure that's-”

“Do it all the time! Trick is to hang off the ledge, then let go.”

Without another word, Applejack climbed onto the ledge, turning her backside to its exit.

“That's too dangerous,” said Fluttershy. “I'll, uh, make sure she uses the door.”

Fluttershy gave a nervous smile to the other ghosts and flew over to the window. She tried to grab Applejack's tail, but the force of her ghost telepathy ended up blowing the tassels and curtains in such a way that they tangled around Applejack, one of the ropes wrapping around her neck.

Applejack fell and the rope caught her and broke her neck, killing her on the spot. Twilight heard the crack of Applejack's neck and rush over to the window to see the mare hanging there, dead.

“Applejack!” Twilight screamed. “Everypony's dead! This is not good!”

“Not good?” Pinkie asked. “Twilight the ratings are over a million! A million what I don't know but that's way higher than it ever was before. We gotta keep going!”

By this point, Dash had finished chainsawing through the wall. She and Twilight glanced at each other awkwardly for a moment.

“Oh,” said Rarity. “Um. Blarg!”

Twilight screamed and ran.

“Well at least that's one of them we got rid of,” Dash sighed.

Applejack's ghost floated up through the window and looked over her fellow ghosts.

Fluttershy gave a timid smile and waved at her.

“Say what you will, but I admit when I'm wrong.” Applejack shrugged.

“But tell me something, Fluttershy.” Dash floated up next to Fluttershy. “How the heck does wrapping something around somepony's neck-”

“-I have lots of questions too,” Rarity floated in between the two of them, “but let's spend the next five seconds making sure the house doesn't get even more haunted, yes? Fluttershy, you stay here.”

Fluttershy whimpered as her two friends flew out after Twilight.

Just outside the door, on the balcony hallway, Derpy was still playing with her new ghost powers. Right now she was shooting globs of slime out of her hooves.

“Oh, so that's how you make ectoplasm,” said Derpy. “Neat!”

Derpy did it a bit harder and now a steam of ectoplasm was coming out of the wall. And it kept coming and coming. Derpy watched it with growing concern before trying to stop, but that just turned the stream into a torrent, like a fire hose was spraying the stuff.

And that was about when Twilight ran out into the hallway and got hit with a blast of slime. It took all of Twilight's might to remain standing against the oncoming stream. She had to turn her head and struggle just to breathe.

“I'm sorry, Twilight!” Derpy yelled with tears in her eyes. “I don't know how to make it stop!”

“This is great!” Pinkie explained “You dropped the camera in just the right position that we can see you drowning in all that stuff! The 7-12 fillies demographic is demanding more blood Twilight! They love this kind of stuff.”

“Pinkie! You have to save me!” Twilight screamed over the radio. “There's too much ectoplasm.”

“Twilight!” Pinkie called over the radio. “I'll come to get you, but can hold on for just five more minutes until commercials come on? This is seriously-”

“-Pinkie!”

“Our ratings have never been this high ever! They're loving! If we go to commercials right before you go under-”

“So help me Celestia if you don't come over here right now-!”

“Okay! Okay!” said Pinkie. “But you can forget about the rating party! Pinkie to the rescue!”

In the van outside the mansion, Pinkie started the engine, kicked it into high gear, and drove it straight at the house. She smashed through the oversized door with no problem at all, blowing the door off its hinges and splintering the wood nearby.

The van continued to move forward even as Pinkie slammed on the brakes, tearing up the carpet and plowing furniture out of the way. Pinkie made a half-turn before stopping the van right in front of the stair.

“Twilight!” Pinkie threw open the passenger door. “Get it”

But just as she called out those words a piano came flying out of nowhere and landed on the van, crushing it. Twilight stared down in horror at the wrecked van. Pinkies mangled hoof stuck out a little, but that was all that could be seen of her, unless you counted the stream of blood flowing out from where she sat.

Just seconds later, Pinkie's ghost emerged from the wreckage.

“Ah great! Now we got yet another ghost haunting this place,” Dash complained.

“Ghost?” Pinkie looked around. “Wait! There were seriously ghosts here? I just thought this was all part of the act!”

“Pinkie!” Twilight screamed.

“Hi, Twilight!” Pinkie called back.

“She can't hear you, you're a ghost,” said Rarity.

“Oh right.” Pinkie looked down at her own corpse. “Poor me.”

In her shock, Twilight had been pushed back against the wall by the torrent of ectoplasm. She was completely covered in the stuff now, making harsh coughing noises.

“How do I stop?!” Derpy wailed.

“Okay, first of all, you turn!” Dash grabbed Derpy and turned her away, causing the stream to spray harmlessly into the main hall.

“Oh.” Derpy blushed. Moments later, with Dash's guidance, Derpy was able to stop it entirely.

Rarity and Applejack desperately raced to get Twilight uncovered, throwing the ectoplasm off in globs. Just as they were about to free her, though, Twilight's ghost rose up from her body.

Twilight looked over all the other ghosts, stunned for a moment, before she realized what happened. The most elated expression in the history of the world came across her face.

“This is the greatest thing that ever happened to me!” Twilight started dancing around in the air. “Ha! I told you! I told all of you! All those cold spots and hot spots and EVPs were ghosts.”

“Well you told half of us,” said Rarity. “Also we had nothing to do with any of the things you just listed.”

“Hey, where'd this piano come from?” Pinkie asked, looking over the wreckage of her van.

Rarity and Rainbow Dash turned to Fluttershy, who tried to avert her gaze, but in the end, had to sigh in defeat.

“Um, okay I admit it.” Fluttershy scraped her hoof across the floor. “I may have thrown that piano.”

“Wait a second,” said Twilight. “I recognize your voice! You're the one who called in and told me about this mansion!”

“W-what? No, no, that's silly,” said Fluttershy. “Did you think I used a ghost phone or something to call you?”

“Well she does have a point,” said Applejack. “No such thing as a ghost phone. Might have been a rat or something.”

“I think maybe it was a rat,” Dash growled.

Fluttershy just laughed. All the other ghosts gaped in amazement as the house just instantly repaired itself.

“Well, either way, it doesn't matter,” said Fluttershy, smiling just a little too wide. “All that matters is that you're all here now and can never leave and that I'll never, ever be alone again.”

And just like that the doors and windows all slammed shut.

=The End.