Letting Go
Rainbow woke to the buzzing of her alarm clock. With a tired groan, she smacked the snooze button, hoping to get a few more minutes before school. She closed her eyes again, but sleep didn't return for her.
When the alarm went off the second time, she decided to get up. School was going to come regardless of her hopes, so it would be better to just get up and tackle the day.
She clambered out of bed and walked over to her bathroom. Checking her face in the mirror, she rubbed her red, puffy eyes. She'd been up late crying again. It had been the same for the past few nights. Crying herself to sleep every night, and waking up the next morning to struggle through another day. Ever since the world changed. Ever since her world changed last week.
She jumped in the shower, washing her face to rid herself of the evidence of her shame. Nobody could know she cried. That wouldn't be good for her reputation. After cleaning herself, she stepped out of the shower and dried herself off. She wrapped her hair in a towel as she brushed her teeth, and afterwards she dried her hair out and combed it into her usual style. It took time to get that unkempt look she loved. Far more time than most would realize.
She had about an hour before school, so she got dressed and walked down the stairs. Today didn't feel like a normal day. She was on auto-pilot as she sat down for breakfast. She wasn't very hungry, though. She'd lost her appetite along with her world.
She gathered her things and jumped into her car. She spent hours taking care of her car every week. This car was the epitome of coolness. Today, though, it just felt like any other car.
Parking in the school parking lot, she grabbed her bag, slung it over one shoulder, and walked through the front doors. Her friends stood in the hallway near the main hall. Two of them were digging into their lockers for books. They talked softly. Even Pinkie Pie was more reserved than usual. Fluttershy stood with her back to the lockers, sadness evident upon her face. She wore her normal clothing: the white tank top with her green dress with the butterflies embroidered into it. She wasn't very talkative anymore.
Rainbow spoke to her friends for a few minutes, but as the bell rang to signify the beginning of classes, she walked to her class with Fluttershy close behind. Sitting at her desk, with Fluttershy sitting at the empty desk next to hers, Rainbow spaced out through class, her mind wandering to the news story on TV and in the paper.
Local High School Girl Killed in Hit-and-Run, the article header said. But that didn't really do much to explain the gravity of the situation. One would need to know the girl in order to really understand. She and her friends, everyone in the school, really, understood all too well.
Throughout class, she glanced over to the empty desk Fluttershy sat at. Her friend was still quiet, the sadness still present. It would be a while before a smile graced those lips again. Rainbow knew that for a fact.
School dragged on, while Rainbow just breezed through the day. Her auto-pilot was still driving her as she moved from class to class. Thoughts nagged at her. Things she wanted to say. Things she should have said. Things that the recipient would never hear.
At various times throughout the day, Rainbow would sneak into the bathroom to wash her face. To keep the tears from showing. Fluttershy would understand, as she stood next to Rainbow, watching with a softness to her face that would ease Rainbow's pain.
The school day was a struggle, but the worst was yet to come. After school, Rainbow and Fluttershy took her car back to get changed. The funeral was today, and Rainbow was going to be a pallbearer. She had to be.
Fluttershy stood by as Rainbow undressed, washed the day from her body, and dressed herself in her suit, with a colorful tie to lend her namesake to the sorrowful event. She didn't really enjoy wearing a suit; it felt too stuffy for her tastes, but she sure didn't want to trip on a dress or roll an ankle in her heels. Not today. The pants were tight, making it difficult to have good range of movement. Her pale yellow button-up shirt, with the collar wrapped over the tie tightened around her neck, was made for her. It was designed to fit perfectly, tailor made for this occasion, thanks to Rarity. Despite that, it felt tight, making her feel claustrophobic. She had to repeatedly take deep breaths to prevent panicking. She slipped on polished black leather shoes, tying them tightly.
All the while, Fluttershy sat on Rainbow's bed, watching her friend struggle into the suit, attempting to calm her down to prevent her from bursting into tears. She would understand, of course, but Rainbow wouldn't want to break down before such an important event.
Truthfully, Rainbow didn't want to go. She felt as though seeing the funeral would only confirm the truth. Like she could pretend that everything was alright, that the world was the same as it was last week. She wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and make this nightmare end.
But she knew the truth. Denying it wouldn't help, though she'd tried for the first two days. Yelling didn't help, either. She'd tried that, too. She even tried praying; asking for her to go in the other girl's place. Asking to give anything she could to get the girl back. Trading material things, even her athletic abilities, to have her world back would be a bargain. But, like many prayers, no amount of pleading changed anything. The reality of the situation dragged her into a deep depression. Several times over the last few days she thought about ending the pain, about visiting the girl wherever she was, and leaving the sadness behind.
But she couldn't do that to her friends. Especially Fluttershy. She knew Fluttershy would be extremely sad if she found out Rainbow had done something so foolish. Something so permanent to end a temporary pain. So for the sake of her friends, for the sake of Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash trudged on. She fought back against the sadness that wished to overcome her. She fought, and she had friends on her side to help. They had the light of Friendship to banish the darkness that attempted to take hold of her heart. Without that light, though, Rainbow would have accepted the darkness gladly.
As Rainbow pulled on her jacket, a large black piece that seemed to swallow her in its darkness, she took another deep breath to calm herself. Checking herself out in the mirror in her room for any wrinkles or creases, she decided she was as ready as she'd ever be for what was to come. She grabbed her keys, jumped into her car with Fluttershy sitting in the seat next to her, and drove to the funeral home. Cars were lined up on the street, and the parking lot was full, with mourners pouring out from them like the rain that fell from the sky.
Rainbow was thankful for the rain. Why should a day so horrendous be so beautiful. It was cliché, but Rainbow was thankful nonetheless. She grabbed her black umbrella and opened it as she climbed from the car. Fluttershy stayed close as she walked up to the front doors of the funeral home, and joined the rest of the people as they filed inside, into a large side room for the memorial service. Being a pallbearer, she sat at the front while her other friends sat behind her. She tried to pay attention as the girl's father said some things, but her mind was too clouded. She wiped tears away, pretending it was just the rain. After a few minutes the girl's family and friends were allowed to walk up to say their goodbyes. She walked up slowly, Fluttershy to her left side, as she stared at the picture of the girl atop the closed plain cedar casket. She looked beautiful, though she always had, and the picture used was one from their latest school dance. Rainbow had almost asked the girl to that dance.
“There are many things I should have said to you,” Rainbow sighed, “but I couldn't find the courage. I finally worked up the courage to say what should have been said, and you're no longer around to hear the words. I love you,” she whispered softly, leaning down to place a kiss upon the casket. “I should have said something a long time ago.” She stood back up, still looking at the picture of the girl in the coffin. “I'm sorry, Fluttershy, but I couldn't keep these feelings in any longer.”
Fluttershy wiped a few tears from her own eyes, but could only nod at Rainbow's emotional reveal. She nodded to Rainbow, and followed her back to the seats. After a few more minutes Rainbow took her place at the head of the pall. She passed the folded umbrella to Twilight, and when the time came she picked up the cedar casket, her arms shaking as she struggled to contain her sorrow. Slowly the pallbearers carried the coffin to the hearse parked out front. They pushed the coffin into the car and closed the doors.
Taking her umbrella back, Rainbow walked back to her car. She climbed in, with Fluttershy in the passenger seat, not caring about her seat getting wet. She tossed the umbrella into the back, and followed the funeral procession to the burial site at the edge of a forest.
As she arrived, she parked on the road closest to the plot where the girl would be buried. Though the rain still poured, she climbed out of the car and walked to the hearse, preparing herself to carry the girl to her final resting place. Slowly, the pallbearers pulled the wooden casket out of the hearse and walked up to the hole. A large oak tree stood mere feet from the burial site. They placed the casket on the lowering device over the open hole.
Mourners gathered around again, and Rainbow listened as the girl's father said final words. As everyone else said their final goodbyes, people placed wreaths and bouquets of flowers onto the casket. The casket lowered into the hole, and the lowering device was removed. Finally, diggers moved the dirt displaced for the burial back into the hole, covering the casket from view. Rainbow watched as the casket disappeared under the dirt, placed a handful of acorns into the hole, and waited as the diggers finished flattening the dirt and placing grass and flower seeds atop the freshly covered grave.
Rainbow stayed, even after other mourners had left. With a deep breath and a sigh, she whispered, “I love you. But I have to let you go now. I'll see you later, Fluttershy.” Rainbow wiped her eyes again, and walked away from the grave alone. Fluttershy had to stay. Rainbow's world had changed, and now Fluttershy was no longer part of it.
