Para's Old Lengthy And In-Depth Fanfiction Reviews

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...Just give me a moment while I recover from how unbelievably bad this story is.

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...Okay. Yeah I'm good.

So, hey guys! I'm doing another review for your entertainment and my masochistic, self-destructive. pleasure. This fic I'm going to review now is... Well, let's just say I've rarely seen anything less good in my entire life.

A lot of people think that blowing up terrorists in Counter Strike is, like, totally awesome, dude, and because of this they decide to write fanfiction crossing the military with their favorite perseveration, My Little Pony. Now, the contrast between war and the MLP world is pretty strong, so that can make for good drama. But sadly, the average person who writes stories crossing MLP with irl military stuff is a sad little weenus who can't separate reality from fiction, and has an all-consuming fetish for casually spouting military acronyms as if they're used to using these terms in their daily life, which they aren't. This combination of ignorance and misfired testosterone is called Counterstrike Fanboy Syndrome.

That is where the story I will be reviewing today comes from, except that it is also a crossover with shitty writing and some of the most awful logic you'll ever encounter. But let's not get ahead of ourselves--we still have to establish the basis for reviewing the fic, because something this bad needs to be understood in order to prevent it from happening again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again.

And again.

In my review of Ace Combat: Shattered Feelings, I defined CS Fanboy Syndrome as this:

You know that story you wrote when you were 13 where you spent 10 pages describing the protagonist's super-awesome ArmaHeavy Industries FU-3758A Model 69 sniper rifle with a top-mounted Interrotech laser-guided Jewhunter scope with 100x magnification and optional night vision and light-bending modes that could spit out belt-fed .834955432mm caliber rounds at a rate of up to 10,000 rounds per second through a special ten foot barrel with a DthPRcMe, Ltd., ultra-silencer on the end so that when the hostile target was effectively dispatched and neutralized (cuz that sounds more army than just getting his head blown off) no one would hear it and his brains just exploded out of his head like a watermelon getting crushed by a falling Oprah Winfrey...?

That's Counterstrike Fanboy Syndrome.

As I also said, it's basically the same thing as namedropping or using huge words that you don't even know the meaning of. It's done by people who are insecure and want to impress others, in the same way that white kids in middle school used to drop gang terminology to make themselves seem badass. By using these words, all this military language, they are affirming to themselves that they're part of military culture, even though they probably got rejected for service because they have asperger's or just were too cowardly to sign up in the first place.

Without a doubt, Counterstrike Fanboy Syndrome is one of the most godawful annoying things to encounter in fanfiction, because the story is often too busy jerking itself off with descriptions of the guns the characters are using to actually tell a story. There's nothing wrong with painting a picture with words, of course, but reading 10 paragraphs about the guy getting dressed is too goddamn much, yo. But I don't think you guys actually understand how fucking pervasive it can be. How thoroughly it can ruin one's enjoyment of a fanfic. How it can make you pull muscles with the amount of cringing one chapter produces. So I'm going to show you.

This story is called Silent Protecters, and it's fucking CS Fanboy squared. It's CS Fanboy meets debilitating autism meets ponies. Also, yes, that is a spelling error in the title.

Here, here's the cover:

I know it's not strictly relevant to the story, but one of those guys (the dude on the right) looks like Christian Weston Chandler. Doesn't he?

It's prophetic given the story's content.

Silent Protecters is about two Delta Force dudebros that go to Equestria and, for no reason other than "fuck you we're the good guys", hide in the woods and shoot everything that looks remotely threatening to Ponyville. Yeah. That's the story--I just told you the story, and that's all it is after taking out the Rainbow Six jargon. Now, with that said, let me show you the actual summary:

2 Delta Force Operators, SFC David Grayson and Sgt Elliot Lee, find themselves in the Everfree Forest after a helicopter crashes. After a day of recon they decide to become Ponyville's silent protectors, only coming out at night, stopping the criminals and saving ponies. During the day they watch over the town with binoculars, hunt, fortify their base, and search the forest. For weeks ponies have been reporting seeing 2 tall figures looking out over Ponyville from the Everfree, walking the streets at night and stopping criminals before leaving them outside the headquarters of the Ponyville Guard, unconscious and tied up. Tune your radio to a certain frequency and you may be able to hear chatter between 2 creatures.

You know, it just occurred to me that if the author had written like a normal human being and ended at "silent protectors", it might have been a much more dynamic summary. But no, that would deprive him of the opportunity to use pointless military jargon, inappropriately abbreviate ranks where it would look better to just write them out (or preferably just remove the names altogether in this case because we don't know who these people are in advance, so it does nothing to interest us), draw attention to the fact that they talk in more jargon on radios, imply that "you" are in Equestria as well and "you" have a radio despite this being unsupported by anything in the show, and show his skills at writing by failing to type out the simple word "two" three times in one paragraph of information.

Yeah.

But that's nothing.

From literally the outset, we're bombarded with godawful military jargon. I was not kidding when I said this was CS Fanboy squared. Just look at the heading from the first chapter, which is the first thing we see when we open it:

From the Perspective of Sergeant First Class David H. Grayson, 1st Special Forces Operational Detachment-Delta(more commonly known as Delta Force)

Bolded as it was in the original, too. Yeah, it's this kind of story, people.

You know that text that gets typed in the lower corner of a shot of the desert or something, going "Allied Region 65 "Sandcrapistan", 0400 hours" at the beginning of a scene in, say, a Michael Bay action film? That's what this is. It sums up almost all the problems with the story in one neat little package: the writer is trying to write an action movie. The problem is that while film, being a visual medium, has to do this kind of telling to effectively communicate certain things to the viewer, we don't have to put those kinds of headings up in writing. In addition, these kinds of movies are also usually jam-packed with testosteronized visual candy and have nothing of substance to offer, and that translates VERY poorly into writing.

In written fiction, the narrative is doing both the showing and the telling, so it's easier to integrate information into it over time--and it also gets really awkward when people don't understand the medium they're using. For example, in a film, we can instantly visually identify an MP5 with a scope, laser sight, flashlight, and double magazines in a film, and its appearance is such that we know it will be fully automatic and shoot 9mm bullets, because it is a submachine gun. There's no need to stop the movie to give a little infomercial about it.

In a story, you only have to write "a submachine gun" or "MP5", and then you can fill in details like the scope as they become relevant. Stopping to describe every fucking centimeter of this gun retards (heh) the narrative severely. Unless it's really important to the entire story that this gun be an MP5 with a goddamn scope that's never used and a laser sight that has nothing to do with anything and a bunch of other shit, you shouldn't waste time describing it.

1st Special Forces Operational Detachment-Delta(more commonly known as Delta Force)

To be fair, I also use this kind of jargon sometimes... with the deliberate intent to make the reader feel like they're looking at something "impenetrably bureaucratic" or otherwise obscure. Here the writer seems to be trying to create an atmosphere of being leagues above his readers, as evidenced by his shoving the entire name of the Delta Force detachment in our faces immediately, then adding something that says "Also here's the name you plebeians call it by, even though it's the WRONG name that I don't use because I know more about army guys than you."

Now let's have a look at the story--which, by the way, is told in first person, completely negating the need to identify the character by name before writing about him. In first person, you don't need to know the narrator's name immediately, because he's "I", not "Alex" or "Skeeter" or "RainbowBob". But I'm getting kinda sidetracked. Have a look:

I awoke on the ground in a clearing in a forest. I slowly got up and what just happened came flooding back to me. The Blackhawk, the RPG, being thrown out of the open door.

I grabbed my rifle and checked it. Seeing nothing wrong I began searching my pouches. Ammo, compass, binoculars, grenades, radio, journal, pen, some silencers and my IPod. I looked at my compass and it was going haywire, so I assumed that either we were above a large iron vein or magnetics didn't work here. I checked the other operator to see if he was ok. He was unconscious and I recognized him nearly immediately. He was Sgt Elliot D. Lee, a country boy from New York, expert marksman, nearly immediately designated our team's sniper. I noticed the sound of water and got an idea of how to wake him up. I took off my helmet and went to look for the source. I found a small pond with a waterfall and filled my helmet with water. I walked back to the clearing and poked him a few times before resorting to Plan B. I poured the water in my helmet on his head and he nearly immediately woke up. "Rise and shine, sleeping beauty."

God this is lazy writing. It looks like this review is going to deal heavily with "show don't tell", which I guess is appropriate because it's one of the main issues with military stories. People try to sound clipped and efficient like they think an "army guy" would talk, and they just end up telling the story at about 90 million miles per hour, until they pause to describe something completely irrelevant to anything at all.

Also, this is an incredibly unrealistic reaction to nearly dying (even though they're actually dead--not really a spoiler, because the "die and wake up in Equestria for no reason" is a lazy staple of HiE), even for a soldier. If I had just been thrown out of a fucking helicopter I would spend a moment clinging to the other guy who apparently survived, and I'm sure a lot of soldiers would do exactly the same thing, because, you know, they're people. Special forces or not, things will affect you once in a while if you're not a complete psychopath.

That's really the other problem with these kinds of stories: the soldiers aren't portrayed as human because the writer sees them as superhuman. They seem to be completely devoid of normal reactions to things like, I don't know, getting hit by a rocket. People like these writers don't respect the military for their sacrifices, but for the fact that they think the military is, like, totally badass, man, and admire the respect that other people show soldiers without actually understanding it.

This is why we respect soldiers:

And this:

And this:

And this:

Not this:

Or this:

Or fucking this:

Also, let me just add now: this author's characterization of everyone is a singular instance of "Michael Bay Movie Badass #394" generalized to all characters present in the story. I mean look at this fuckwad:

I poured the water in my helmet on his head and he nearly immediately woke up. "Rise and shine, sleeping beauty."

I physically cringed, I really did. I'm sure he's supposed to come off as "cool as ice" and, like, totally unfazed by anything, but he just seems like he has a big sticky note on his face that says "Author is trying too hard". But it gets better, trust me: the literal, exact wording of his subordinate's response to having water poured on his face by his superior officer is "Dude, what the fuck was that for?".

Remember how I said they're dudebros? That wasn't an exaggeration. This is not "military comradeship", and it doesn't make them seem like they know each other well enough to be casual with each other--this is two stupid gamers in a land of talking horses playing army guys. Also, I'd like to repeat that their helicopter just got shot down and that's the last thing they remember, and neither of them have even considered the fact that, I dunno, the guys who shot them down might still want to kill them.

"I really didn't want to, you looked so cute when you were sleeping. However, this look like where we were before?" He realized that what I said was true and that we weren't in the Russian countryside. "We aren't in Kansas anymore Todo.

Another thing, among many, that you'll come to despise about this story is how everyone in it speaks in cliches and borrowed catchphrases from other movies--Sorry, from movies in general. I keep forgetting this isn't an action B-movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger as its star. Actually, actually, come to think of it, this is exactly how an Arnold movie would go, right down to the characterization of everybody as casually badass! Except that Arnold actually does look pretty badass and can pull that casual awesome thing off, and he doesn't talk like a gamer dudebro.

You up for some recon?" He nodded and was about to say something but was cut off by a feminine voice. I whisper-shouted "Grab your gear and hide in those bushes." I scrambled towards the bushes I pointed out and hid. The private grabbed his sniper and SMG before scrambling towards the bushes.

First of all, why did you say private? The guy's a Sergeant! Second of all:

I whisper-shouted

Isn't that a contradiction?

This author uses a lot of strange phrases that crop up repeatedly. Let me give you another example:

I recognized him nearly immediately

nearly immediately designated our team's sniper

he nearly immediately woke up

As a bonus, all of those instances of "nearly immediately" occur within the same fucking paragraph.

Attention was thankfully drawn for us

I immediately ate my words when I saw it

Nearly immediately the wolf's head exploded

we'll never be at a loss of fresh water

The prose in this story is awful. There's just something about it that reminds me of ESL speakers; like the author doesn't have a firm grasp of the way words fit together and is trying to use the syntax of his native language. But no, I'm pretty sure he's American, or he wouldn't have written a story about American special forces soldiers. I could go on about the prose, but at this point, the story is about to get really, really bad, and I don't want to waste time on that shit when I can dig into this...

The owner of the voices turned out to be 6, small, multicolored ponies with wings and horns.

Hey, there are those unrealistic reactions again. I'd think I was on LSD if I saw "6, small, multicolored ponies with wings and horns".

But anyway, the mane six show up. And when I say "the mane six", I mean caricatures of them. That is not an exaggeration; it's actually an understatement, to be honest. Within the first line they speak, each of these ponies has uttered a phrase associated with the character whose name and appearance they share, but in a completely inappropriate way that does nothing more than identify them.

Watch as I identify them by the buzzwords in their dialogue:

The owner of the voices turned out to be 6, small, multicolored ponies with wings and horns. "-stia said that there was a large magical disturbance in this area, Rainbow. We should look for something out of the ordinary. Well as normal as you can get in the Everfree Forest."

Celestia

Magic

OH IT'S TWILIGHT LOL cuz that's all she talks about.

"Well what should we be looking for egghead."

Egghead

OH IT'S RD LOL cuz she always calls Twilight egghead 1000% of the time.

"I'm waving at the big green guys in those bushes over there, DUH."

Knowing mysterious things but being an idiot about it

"DUH" punctuation

OH IT'S PINKIE LOL cuz she's a hyperactive 4th wall breaking marechild and adds "duh" to everything to make herself seem ditzy and stupid.

"Darlings, look over here would you. It looks like somepony poured water here recently."

Darlings

OH IT'S RARITY LOL cuz she says darling literally all the time ever.

"Yeah, sugarcube. And it looks like somepony was pouring it on somepony, look at the outline."

Sugarcube

OH IT'S AJ LOL cuz she says sugarcube literally all the time ever.

Yes, that's right. This is an example of characterization by quirks instead of, you know, actual characterization. But, sadly, quirks don't make characters--for example, if all Heath Ledger did in The Dark Knight was laugh psychotically and go "Why so serious" every other line, The Joker would have been a really boring character, wouldn't he?

I won't go too much more into it because I'm getting sick of this story already, but the characterization in this fic is incredibly bad. It's worse than what I've posted, but I can't keep this up without it becoming unfunny. Just know that it's terrible, and keep that in mind.

Moving on...

At this point I'd like to draw your attention to yet another horrifyingly stupid aspect of the fic: the humans in it, when they're not acting like dudebros, talk like they're in a military video game. That means tons of outdated jargon that sounds cool, and... Oh god I'll just show you.

the pony I had designated 'Rainbow'

I now designated her 'Regal'

I designated her 'Country'

said the pony I designated 'Purple'

a yellow pegasus, who I still hadn't come up with a designation yet

I'm not even going to say anything negative about this, because I'm sure whatever you're thinking right now is sufficient.

Oh, here's a gem.

"Tomorrow we'll observe where ever they came from. Today we set up a base camp, I found a pond with a waterfall. If we set up nearby we'll never be at a loss of fresh water. We'll need camouflage to hide us from predators or any ponies that try and find us. We can make ghillie suits for extra camo."

At this point I'm really starting to get sick of this fic. I'm not even kidding. The first chapter is 1,500 words long, and it honestly feels like it's 15,000 words at the very least. It just goes on and on! I can't even keep up with all the stupid shit that I want to talk about; there's just too much of it.

More than anything, the characterization keeps coming back; specifically, the lack of response to normal stimuli. But even halfway through the first chapter, Elliot or whatever his name is breaks through "bad characterization" and enters into the realm beyond. I swear to god, this man has a brain tumor that prevents him from thinking logically about what he's saying. Look at this, look at this fuckery from his journal entry:

Sgt Elliot and I have awoken in a forest. We don't know where, but we assume that it is not on Earth because there are talking ponies, unicorns and pegasi.

we assume that it is not on Earth because there are talking ponies, unicorns and pegasi.

There is literally nothing I can possibly say that would appropriately convey how stupid this line is.

It's not even the "no shit sherlock" factor, since the guy seems to have failed to consider the rather more logical theory that he might have been poisoned with chemical weapons and is hallucinating, instead of magically falling out of his helicopter into a My Little Pony episode. No, it's how he just seems to accept all of this like there's nothing odd about it at all; like it's an everyday thing. Fighting Russians, meeting talking pastel unicorns, what's the difference, really?

In fact, the only time he ever acknowledges that this is out of the ordinary is this halfhearted line:

"We just watched technicolor ponies with horns and wings come look for us. How much weirder could this day get?"

After which he "immediately ate [his] words" upon seeing a timber wolf. Which he then shoots, by the way. They go live in a cave to hide from the talking pastel cartoon horses and blow up a wolf made of wood--All in a day's work for Delta Force! Generic B-movie action translated into words, with the author's painfully autistic prose to compliment it.

At the end, Twilight is listening to the radio ('kay...) and overhears all this shit going on as they're KKKRRKKing back and forth on their radio units. It's a good thing Equestria has the capacity for radio communication, since magnetism apparently doesn't exist there. Who knows what other forces of nature could be missing or altered? Maybe all the water in Equestria reacts with human urea to create nuclear explosions. They'll sure get a surprise when they pee! Also:

A few minutes ago I was randomly changing frequencies on my radio when I came across a normally static frequency that now had voices.

How convenient! I often randomly change frequencies on my radio, searching the waves and waves of empty static for hours. Such fun!

Twilight, after hearing some creatures with guns blow the head off a large creature for looking at them funny (those creatures, by the way, are right outside the town), writes Celestia a friendship letter and goes to bed. In the context of this story, I imagine it's a perfectly normal reaction. Maybe this takes place in the universe of The Metamorphosis, where no one ever really questions why Gregor changed into a gigantic cockroach.

I'm not even going to dissect the second chapter. I can't. It's too painful.

This is one of the worst stories I have ever read in my entire life. It's lazy, unengaging, unintelligent, ignorant, poorly characterized, poorly written, and its protagonists are a couple of fucking idiots. Everyone in this story speaks in cliches and catchphrases stolen from the show and from other franchises, or else they speak in cringeworthy badass military jargon. There is nothing good about this fic--it's not good, and it's too stupid to even be entertaining. To give you an idea of how bad it is, kalash93 from Zero Punctuation Reviews actually dropped out of reviewing this alongside me because of how fucking awful it was. The fact that this has a 90:23 vote ratio is beyond my personal comprehension.

I'm done with this. It's fucking terrible on a level I have rarely encountered.

Link for posterity ------> Silent Protecters <------ Link for posterity