Celestia Eats Some Pretzel Sticks, and Super Trampoline Realizes Why Attempting Oneshotober Was a Mistake
Celestia sometimes desired to live like the common folk do (Peasants, as Luna would say), so went shopping. She didn't even bother to do the whole "Sunny Skies" disguise thing, instead electing to just trot out the castle door, with a few nervous and confused guards forming a retinue around her. She had about 30 charms, wards, spells etc. cast, just to make sure she wasn't assassinated or anything. She trotted through Canterlot for about 20 minutes until she reached a Fresh and Easy. Fresh and Easies, like unicorns, cannot any longer be found in California, instead being relegated to Equestria. That is, assuming you are reading this in 2016. If you are reading this between 2007 and 2015 and live in the western United States, there is a chance you actually can go visit a Fresh and Easy, but it also means there's some freaky time travel going on.
Anyway, she got to the Fresh and Easy, and entered it. She didn't have a shopping list, but instead a singular goal: Find and buy pretzel sticks. I mean, I guess that's two goals, but they're wrapped up into each other. You can't buy pretzel sticks you haven't found yet, and finding pretzel sticks and then doing nothing with them, electing to instead leave the store, well, that would be pretty silly. Though I suppose it is possible that you are shopping with a friend. In this case, perhaps you locate the pretzel sticks while your friend is buying club soda, but your friend, for whatever reason having more money than you, is the one who actually purchases the pretzels. In this case, you indeed would only be finding the pretzel sticks, not buying them. Conversely, perhaps your broke friend found you pretzel sticks and you're buying them.
Anyway, Celestia went into the store and after trying some free samples of hay and hoof sanitizer, she found pretzel sticks. It took her several minutes to actually buy the pretzels, because the terrified cashier kept trying to offer her the pretzel sticks for free, on account of her being diarch of Equestria and all that jazz. However, she pointed out that the said cashier (whose name is Farmilly, by the way. He's currently going to night school to get a degree in agricultural technology. I mean, he already has a hay cutie mark, but he wants to really specialize, and education is important. Celestia has always made sure that the Equestrian population is a well educated one. Which makes puzzling the fact that they still haven't figured out how to harness electricity except in some specialized research capacities such as Twilight Sparkle's lab.) paid taxes and that those taxes paid for her food budget. He begrudgingly acquiesced and placed the pretzels in her saddle bag. Hold on, let me find a picture of Celestia with saddlebags on.
See now, that doesn't make much sense. Why would she wear them over wings?
Anyway, Celestia successfully acquired her pretzels and trotted home. Not before her guards bought some toothpaste, on account of nightmare night coming up, and you know, as long as they were out and about, might as well get some shopping done.
Celestia got back to her castle, and headed to her room to munch on pretzels. Sure, she might get some crumbs on the floor, but thats what maids were for, right? And ants. Ants could always dispose of the crumbs on your floor, but then you have ants in your room and on the whole I really think that's an inferior trade-off. Unless you really like ants. Like maybe you're an anteater or something. If you are, then it makes sense that you like ants. Unless for some reason you're an anteater and you DON'T like ants! Like, when Anteater mothers are raising their anteater children (Or maybe the fathers do; I'm no expert in anteater family structure), what happens if one of the kids is a picky eater and doesn't like ants? Does she just make that kid suffer and eat ants anyway? Does she acquiece and take her offspring to McDonalds? Or does she let her progeny starve? I don't know. You should ask someone who studies anteaters.
Also, speaking of ants, you should go read Intern by GaPJaxie. It is about a half-changeling pony name Ant Mill, and it's better than what you're reading now by almost every criteria. Also, an ant mill is when ants start following each other in a circle until they die of exhaustion, an example of a positive feedback loop found in nature. Ant Mill's name represents how she feels like she's just, well... you get the idea.
Celestia was happily nomming on pretzel sticks when Super Trampoline wandered into her royal quarters. Now Super Trampoline was a short pudgy batpony from Ponyville.
Oh wait, that's me. I should probably switch to first person narration. Let's try that again.
Celestia was happily nomming on pretzel sticks when I wandered into her royal quarters. My name's Super Trampoline, and I'm a bat pony from Ponyville. I'm not the buffest or the most handsome or the richest pony around, but mares love me because I'm sweet, sincere, and funny. In fact, I'm currently dating Princess Celestia!
Anyway, Celestia was eating pretzel sticks when I wandered into her room. "Care to share?" I asked?
She levitated a few towards my mouth. "Say 'ahhh'." I did, and I was rewarded with pretzel sticks.
"So, she asked in her casual yet regal way," What brings you here?"
"I want to complain."
"Court petitioning hours are over for the day. Come back tomorrow between 10am and 4pm."
I rolled my eyes. "Celestia," I chided.
She smirked. "Alright, I'll make an exception for my coltfriend."
I sidled up to her, wrapping a leathery wing around her barrel. We shared a nuzzle. "So," I began, "as you may know, Twilight is currently running a writing contest." Twilight Sparkle is another one of my marefriends.
"I am indeed familiar with this development."
I continued. "It involves trying to write a story every day of October. 31 in all, each at least a thousand words."
"Twilight certainly likes to push others the way she pushes herself. I take it you entered?"
"Yep, I like that she pushes me to be better me. And yes, I did indeed enter the contest."
"And how is it going?"
"Horribly. Writing is hard."
"For some ponies more than others."
"Well, I'm one of those ponies who finds it hard, at least to do well. I can get words to fly onto the page, but nothing of high quality. I mean, I'm doing better than I have in previous years, but that's not a fast parasprite to catch."
Celestia sat with that wizened neutral look for a little bit, which honestly was kind of her default look. At last, she spoke. "Well, you could try doing what I do."
"Run a country?"
"No," she said with a smile. "Delegate. Why do all the work yourself when you can just pawn it off on others?"
I grimaced. "You mean like sending my other marefriends (I'm also dating the element bearers) off on dangerous missions while you sit on your thrown eating ice cream?"
She tittered. "Exactly. You learn quickly."
I rolled my eyes. "Your highness, I don't believe that would work in my case."
She raised her brows. "And pray tell, why not?"
"Yeah, see, I'm nowhere near as a good of a writer as I am a coltfriend, or you are a ruler. The only way anypony would willingly write on my behalf is if I paid them. That would require money, something I currently don't possess a lot of*.
*I mean, I'm writing low-quality pony words right now instead of working. That's probably my problem.
"You know, as my coltfriend, I don't think anypony would protest if you got a royal writing stipend. I know how important writing is to you."
"No no no. I don't want to be a drain on the national economy. I can support myself. Besides, I honestly didn't come looking for a solution; I just wanted somepony I could complain to, and you're used to ponies complaining (no offense), so I figured you would be a good pair of ears."
She smiled, and nibbled on my fluffy ears. "Your ears are nice too. So is that all you came for?"
"Well, I mean, as long as I'm here, we could make out."
So Princess Celestia and I made out.
Author's Note
What I'm doing instead of working
