Blades & Boats & Booty, Oh My!

by chillbook1

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Pinkie Pie, Sunset Shimmer, Anthro, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Rainbow Dash, Other
Length: 3354

Rainbow and Pinkie embark on a pirate adventure in search of gold, adventure, and, most importantly, booze

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie owe a lot of people a lot of money. They're faced with two options: Throw away their partying lifestyle in favor of jobs, or leave their hometown and become pirates.

Their choice is an obvious one.

Published 2016-10-05 23:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-10-05 23:30:01 UTC

Booze, Gold, And Adventure

Rainbow Dash was asleep. Due to a lack of time between her deciding to go to sleep and actually losing consciousness, she was asleep on her floor. The swiftness and depth of her slumber came almost entirely from the large amounts of rum she had ingested the night before. When she finally did wake up, she did so with the desire to vomit. She stirred sleepily, looking around at her little home. Given the dilapidated state of her bed, the cold, hard, uneven stone floor was barely worse a choice.

Rainbow’s home was like many others on the island of Canterlot. It was small, thatch-roofed, and composed of cobblestone. The entire house was a mere three rooms: her kitchen, bathroom, and living room, which doubled as her sleeping quarters. Unfortunately for her, the living room was at the front of the house, and her curtains weren’t drawn for whatever reason. Any old onlooker could stroll past her little shack of a house and see her standing drunkenly, mostly naked, save for her undergarments.

KNOCK!

KNOCK!

KNOCK!

In a flurry of panic, the naked drunkard Rainbow Dash leapt over and grabbed an old, dusty overcoat from a nearby chair, throwing it over herself. Sufficiently satisfied with her new modesty, Rainbow checked her breath. Concluding that, given her history, it could’ve been worse, she ran to the front and pulled open the wooden door. On the doorstep stood a young Earth pony mare, no older than seventeen years of age. She had a youthful, energetic glow to her, which came from a combination of her yellow skin, bright golden orange eyes, and the childlike pink bow that tied up her reddish hair.

“Rainbow Dash, as Ah live an’ breathe,” said the mare on the other side, a pained sort of smile on her face. “How have y’all been? Haven’t seen ya since… Since Ah lent you them bits. How much was it?”

“Uh… A hundred, I think,” said Rainbow nervously. “Again, I am… Uh... eternally grateful for your… generosity, Applebloom. It was a kind gesture, one that-”

“Wasn’t ya ‘possed to pay me back a coupla weeks ago?” asked Applebloom flatly. “Ah’d appreciate if Ah were to get that back, on the double. Ya see, Ah got a coupla friends who could really use them bits, an’ Ah can’t help ‘em out till Ah get paid back.”

“Uh, yeah, obviously,” said Rainbow. She tapped her fingers against the doorframe. “You see, the thing is, I don’t… I don’t actually have the money.”

“Ya told me that you’d pay me back as soon as Ah saw you,” said Applebloom. “Y’all didn’t spend it all on rum now, did ya?” Rainbow tilted her head upwards at Applebloom, trying to seem offended and disgusted.

“Of course not! You think I’d be selfish enough, not to mention stupid, to spend the money that could be used to pay off my debts?” asked Rainbow. “It was that… cursed thief, Pinkamena! Broke into my house three days ago, took everything that wasn’t tied down.”

Applebloom peered suspiciously at her acquaintance, trying to judge whether or not she was telling the truth. Deciding that she was, she nodded slightly, smiling as politely as possible.

“Alright. Sorry ta bother ya,” said Applebloom. “Ah’ll see ya round, okay?”

“Alright, bye,” said Rainbow, slamming the door shut. She ran over to her windows, drew the curtains, then ran into the kitchen to make sure Applebloom wouldn’t peek in through the other window. Luckily, those curtains were already drawn. Rainbow let out a relieved sigh, then turned to the counter to get herself some breakfast.

Laying, naked, on the counter, with a loaf of bread on her chest, was the thief whose name Rainbow Dash was just cursing. Rainbow shrugged, then grabbed the bread.

“Wake up, Pinkie,” she said, shaking the apparent thief gently. “If you have butter or cheese in that cleavage, cough it up.”

“Huh?” Pinkie stirred, just barely keeping herself up on the counter. Her eyes fell on Rainbow Dash, and she turned to lay more comfortably. “Morning, Rainbow.”

“Look, I told you, I don’t mind if you pass out in my house,” said Rainbow, taking a big bite out of the loaf of bread. “But try to be more careful. Applebloom came asking for her money and I told her you robbed me. If she would’ve seen you…”

“Whoops. Sorry. To tell you the truth, I didn’t even plan on coming over here,” yawned Pinkie. “Cheerilee came to collect from me, so I told her that you stole my house key.”

“Damn. How much money do we owe people?” asked Rainbow, shaking her head. She went to her sink, digging out clothing that she guessed belonged to Pinkie, and grabbed a kettle, which she filled with water and tea, then put on her tiny stove.

“Gee, I dunno. At least ten thousand each,” said Pinkie. She sat up, clutching her head. “You have anything to drink?”

“Rum’s by your foot,” sad Rainbow. She dug through her coat, pulled out a matchbook, then lit a fire on her stove to brew tea. She wasn’t normally the type to start her day with a cuppa, but she really needed a pick-me-up after the previous night’s drinking.

“Thanks. Hey, are those my clothes?” asked Pinkie. She grabbed the bottle that Rainbow was talking about with her foot and popped the cork off with her toes (it was a trick Rainbow had seen a thousand times and still had no explanation for).

“Yeah. Want me to wash them?”

“I didn’t… Uh… flay the fox on em, did I?”

“No puke that I can see.” Rainbow tossed Pinkie her clothes, then dug back in the sink for two mugs, which she went about fixing for tea.

“Thank you. So… What’s on the agenda for today?” Pinkie took a swig of rum before throwing on her undergarments, blouse, and trousers.

“I’m not sure I should be doing anything until this hangover dies down,” yawned Rainbow. “Besides, the devil’s dancing in my pockets. Not a bit to my name.”

“I hear that, sister.” Pinkie tossed the bottle to Rainbow, who miraculously caught it without spilling a drop. “You know, it occurs to me that we should probably get jobs or something. That’d help with the whole being poor thing.”

“Yeah, but then we wouldn’t be able to drink and sleep all day,” said Rainbow. She filled her tea cup halfway with booze, then did the same for Pinkie. When the kettle sounded, she topped off their cups with scalding hot tea. “You take sugar?”

“Six, please, and cream if you have it.” Rainbow added the appropriate sugar and cream for her compatriot, then handed it to her. “I’m serious, Dashie. Maybe we should look into work. Maybe some dock work or work at the bakery or something.”

“Work is the reason I left the navy.”

“I thought you were dishonorably discharged.”

“That’s besides the point!” exclaimed Rainbow. “The point is, I’m not working. Just won’t do it. I get on just fine on my stipend from the governor. Buys me all the booze I need.”

“Weren't ya supposed to be letting your hangover die out?” asked Pinkie. Rainbow looked at her cup strangely, as if she had just noticed the liquor it contained.

“You know, I think I might have a problem.” Dash sipped her tea. “Ugh. This stuff is vile.”

“Needs more rum,” said Pinkie. Rainbow nodded in agreement and further spiked their drinks.

“Mmm, much better,” sighed Dash after taking a sip. “To hell with a job, you know what we need to do? We need to get the hell off of this island.”

“You wanna leave Canterlot? Why?”

“There's nothing here for us except debt. We need to go somewhere new, have a fresh start.” Just thinking about it got Rainbow fired up. “Maybe have some adventure along the way. What's stopping us?”

“We're kinda sorta really poor, for one,” said Pinkie. “How would we even go about it?”

“We find someone who's going to a nearby island, maybe Manehattan, we stow away, hop off in two days, and then live out the rest of our lives. What do you say, Pinks? You wanna get off this stinking rock with me?”

Pinkie stirred her tea, contemplating Rainbow’s offer. It was a lot to think about. Pinkie had lived most of her life on Canterlot Island. To leave behind everything she knew and loved was a difficult thing to do, and a massive gamble.

That said, she really owed a lot of money.

“Hey, anything beats being in debt to all your neighbors. If you can figure it out, I say we do it.” Pinkie’s stomach suddenly exploded into violent rumbles. “Aaaaaaand, I'm hungry. Here, put that bread down. I'll make us a proper breakfast.”

“I have one egg, half a strip of bacon, and no pans,” said Rainbow. Pinkie grinned widely.

“I can work with that.”

After a wonderful breakfast that Rainbow swore must've been magic, the two set out of Rainbow’s house in search of a ship. Luckily for them, Canterlot was the capital of the Equestrian Empire, and the largest of the Six Isles. This meant that it had quite a large, busy port, with several ships coming from or departing to anywhere in the world. Surely there was at least one ship with a course set for the Manehattan Isles.

“How is there not a single ship headed for Manehattan?” groaned Rainbow. They had been passing up and down the docks for about an hour now, checking every schooner, galleon, and dingy for their destination. It seemed like, at that moment, people were sailing to every one of the Six Isles except for Manehattan. “God, not one of them is what we need!”

“We could go to the west,” suggested Pinkie. “Cloudsdale, maybe. That’s where you’re from, right?”

“No can do, Pinks. I have a bounty in Cloudsdale, remember?” Rainbow ran her hands through her short, colorful hair. “I’ll end up hanged in a week, easy.”

“Oh yeah, that.” said Pinkie sheepishly. “Well… We could always swim to Manehattan!”

“Or, here’s a thought, we could find a god damned boat!”

“Rainbow Dash!”

Rainbow’s heart fell into her gut when she heard that voice. She slowly turned behind her, where a very angry Applebloom stood with her arms crossed over her chest. The two locked eyes, and Rainbow sheepishly smiled, waving nervously.

“Er… Hey there, Applebloom,” said Rainbow. “What brings you to the port at this hour of day?”

“Ya lyin, two-faced, sneaky, yellow-bellied bi—”

“A young woman like you shouldn’t be using that sort of language,” said Pinkie suddenly.

“Ya lied to me! Ah thought Pinkamena robbed ya, yet here ya are!” Applebloom spat in disgust. “Talkin ‘bout running off the island together! What about all tha money ya owe me!?”

“Uh… Sorry about that?” tried Rainbow.

“Should we run?” asked Pinkie.

“If y’all run, Ah’ll break yer legs,” snarled Applebloom. “Matter of fact… Stay right there. Cheerilee wants ta get her hands on ya too.” She stepped backwards. “Don’t. Move.” She quickly sprinted over to get the attention of Cheerilee and, eventually, a royal guard.

As soon as she was gone, the two indebted ran as quickly as they could.

“Damn it! We need to go, now!” yelled Rainbow. “Where can we go?!”

“Uh… Look!” Pinkie pointed to a new ship that had only recently docked. It was a large galleon, with at least twenty cannons on either side. Its many patched, tattered sails were as black as night, and the body was braced with golden accents. It was anchored near the end of the port, sitting just to the side of a large guard tower.

“Where’s it headed?” asked Rainbow.

“Off the island, which is good enough for me!” Pinkie giggled nervously. “Cheerilee said that she’d put together an angry mob if I was lying, and I don’t think she was joking!”

“Fair point. Let’s go!”

The two drunks took off as quickly as they could, gunning it through crowds and eventually jumping onto the deck of the ship.

“Okay, we’re in the clear,” said Pinkie. “Now, we just gotta find the captain and beg for him to take us!”

Rainbow was just about to respond when she was interrupted by the clicking of several flintlock pistols were suddenly being pointed at their heads, held by what the two surmised to be pirates.

“Are we sure this is better than the mob?” asked Rainbow. Out of the group of greasy, dirty, rugged pirates stepped a woman that Rainbow knew had to be the captain. Her hair, hidden beneath her hat, was like fire. Her eyes were bold, piercing cyan, with a certain power to them.

“Is this some sort of joke?” asked the captain. She nudged Rainbow’s ear with the barrel of her gun. “Tell the governor that I don’t like to play games.”

“No games,” promised Rainbow.

“Unless you like games,” said Pinkie. “I’m great at Nine Men’s Morris!”

“Pinkie, stop talking.”

“Why are you here?!” snapped the captain. “Our ship isn’t allowed to leave these docks, and you two are here causing me problems. So, you two better have a damn good reason for trespassing on my ship or I will make you understand why they call me the Demon of the Sea.”

“Okay, okay, let’s back up, slow this down,” said Rainbow. “We don’t want any trouble. We’re not with the governor. All we want is a ride off of the island.”

The captain tossed her pistol from hand to hand, clearly thinking on what Dash had said. Not many people would be as calm as she in the same situation, especially after hearing the captain’s title. She decided that Rainbow was probably tougher than she looked.

The captain flourished her hand downwards, and her crew lowered their weapons before marching away to their quarters.

“Tight ship you run here,” said Pinkie.

“Aye, so it it is. So tight that it doesn’t have room for dead weight,” replied the captain.

“We’re not dead weight. We can be useful,” promised Rainbow, looking over her shoulder nervously. “Pinkie’s never been on a ship, but she learns quick, and she can cook and clean. As for me… Well, I was first mate on the Princess before it sank.”

“The Princess? A privateer, then, hm? So you know your way around a ship?” asked the captain. Rainbow nodded. “That's good. They had some of my men thrown in prison for resisting.” The captain took off her hat, holding it over her chest. “So, here's what I'll do for you. We need that man dealt with.” She pointed to the top of the guard tower. “If you two deal with him, I'll allow you to join my crew.”

“Why would we want to join your crew? What's in it for us?” asked Rainbow, mostly to seem bigger and tougher than she really was. The captain identified that immediately, but decided to go along with it. If Rainbow was telling the truth about being on the Princess, and the captain thought she was, then she would be worth talking to.

“Besides a way off the island? This ship, the Daybreak, is in constant search of three things: booze, gold, and adventure. Surely you're after at least one?”

It took all of Rainbow’s will to refrain from breaking into a grin. Truth be told, she wanted all three.

“Well, Pinkie,” said Rainbow. “Booze, gold, and adventure. Sound good to you?”

“Yupperooni,” said Pinkie excitedly. “You've got yourself a deal, Ms. Captain Lady!”

“There's only one problem,” said Rainbow. “What's to stop you from leaving us as soon as we deal with the guard?”

“A captain’s word is their law,” said the captain. “Do your job and you'll be accepted into our ranks. Captain Sunset Shimmer gives you her word.”

The lone watchtower guard stood overlooking the Daybreak tiredly, just waiting for one of his fellows to come and relieve him of his post. Due to a scheduling error, this particular guard hadn't slept in about three days. He could barely stay on his feet, hardly kept his hands around his rifle. He noticed the two random civilians rush onto the ship he was guarding, of course, but he was too tired to do much about it. So long as they didn't interfere with the prisoners until the governor arrived, he didn't actually have to arrest them. That was fine by him. The less he had to do, the better.

“Hi!” said Pinkie brightly. The guard yelped in surprise, dropping his rifle to the floor. “Whoops, you dropped something!”

“Goddess above, you gave me a heart attack!” The guard quickly and clumsily swiped up his firearm, aiming it at Pinkie. “Where did you come from?!”

“Weeeell, my mom and dad had me on a little island off of Baltimare, on a tiny little rock farm,” said Pinkie. “Then, I moved here when I was just a little, tiny, itty-bitty Pinkie Pie, and then—”

“How did you get up here?!” snapped the guard. “On my tower?!”

“Oh. That's easy.” Pinkie giggled. “My friend Rainbow flew me up!”

“Huh?” The guard couldn't get much more out before he felt a bottle smash against his skull, rendering him unconscious.

“You… need to lay off… the sweets,” panted Rainbow, dropping the remnants of the bottle. “I'm exhausted. Thought I was gonna drop you halfway up.”

“Aw, but we made it! Now we just gotta signal the captain,” said Pinkie. She reached into her hair and, to Rainbow’s absolute shock, pulled out a lit torch, which she waved in the direction of the Daybreak.

“I don't think she's gonna see that,” said Rainbow.

“Yeah, you're probably right. Oh well, what should we try next?” Pinkie chucked the torch behind her, dropping it on the wooden watchtower.

Within seconds, flames crept along the planks of the tower, growing with every inch of fuel it consumed.

“Shite!” Rainbow scooped up Pinkie and leapt into the air, throwing her wings into maximum overdrive. She fluttered through the air, struggling to stay up with the added weight.

“Dashie, I'm slipping!” squealed Pinkie.

“Hold on, I'm—” Suddenly, Rainbow’s wing locked up from being overworked. Rainbow and Pinkie screamed as they fell like stones, eventually flattening against the deck of a ship.

“Well, I'll be damned,” said Captain Shimmer. “You actually went and did it. Burned down the watchtower, too! I know a thing or two about property damage, and it's nice to see someone with a respect for the art.”

“So… we're good to go then?” asked Rainbow, scraping her face from the deck. “You'll take us with you?”

“Aye. The Daybreak is due in Ponyville three days from now,” said Sunset. “When we get there, you can get off if you like. But, if you're after booze, gold, and adventure…”

“Aye-aye, captain!” Pinkie sprung up as if she were made of rubber, followed more slowly by Rainbow. Sunset made her way to the steering wheel and set their course for the other side of the Six Isles.

“We're outta here!” cheered Rainbow.

“Get back here!”

Applebloom ran as fast as she could up the port, shaking her fist in the direction of the Daybreak.

“Oh, hey there, kid,” said Rainbow slyly. “What can I do for you at this hour?”

“Get back here!” shouted Applebloom at the fleeing ship. “Come pay whatcha owe! Pay yer debts!”

“To hell with your debts!” Rainbow jumped onto the railing of the ship. “You know what you can do with your debts? You can turn them sideways and shove them up your—”

Just as Rainbow was preparing to finish her verbal lashing with an obscene gesture, a brick soared through the air and hit her square in the face.

“Ah hope ya drown on that damn boat!” shouted Applebloom. “Ah hope the scurvy gets ya!”

“Dashie, are you okay?!” squealed Pinkie. Rainbow groggily sat herself up, a goofy grin spread across her face.

“I'm better than okay,” she said. “I’m out of debt!”