Once upon a time, in Ponyville ...
“I am uncharacteristically horny!” Twilight Sparkle rolled out of bed, and stretched out a bit in a way that one could consider sexy if one was into purple quadrupeds and/or nerdy girls. “And I don't mean that as a unicorn pun! Or well maybe I kind of do mean it as a unicorn pun but what I am saying is that I feel sexually aroused.”
“Hello Twilight!” Rainbow Dash entered through a conspicuously open window.
“Oh!” Twilight Sparkle tried to hide her blush behind her front hooves. “Rainbow Dash! How unexpected and also sexy maybe?”
“Awww yeah.” Rainbow Dash landed at the foot of Twilight's bed, and flared her wings out in a way that one could consider sexy if one was into feathered wingspans. “Not sexy maybe, but sexy definitely. Wanna do it for no apparent reason?”
“I am tempted!” Twilight pressed a hoof to her forehead and cringed backward in a melodramatic fashion. “But, sadly, we can never consummate our forbidden love!”
“Says who? It doesn't matter we're both girls! Seriously, my name is Rainbow Dash. I'm kind of a gay icon. It's like my responsibility to make out with hot babes. And you're the most responsible pony I know! As well as the hottest. Responsihottest.”
“It's not that!” Twilight said, breathy. Her chest heaved, though due to her equine anatomy, the particular effect was somewhat wasted. “It's something worse!”
“Worse?” Rainbow Dash canted her head to the side.
“I have a terrible secret that I can never tell you.”
“Okay!” Rainbow Dash said, “I guess I'll just go make out with Pinkie Pie instead.”
“Wait no!” Twilight Sparkle flopped back onto her bed and writhed back and forth in a tangle of hooves and wings and other inhuman appendages. “You have convinced me to tell my terrible secret!”
“That was easy,” said Rainbow Dash, in a presumably sexy manner. “But that's 'cause I'm easy too! Just not in a derogatory way, but rather because I am a fully grown consenting adult who is confident and in control of my sexuality.”
“As am I.” Twilight nodded. “But I am still unsure and shy, because I have a terrible secret fetish!”
“Doesn't everybody?” Rainbow Dash licked her lips in anticipation of further debaucheries. “I am totally down with getting freaky sometimes.”
“It's just so embarrassing!” Twilight's cheeks flushed accordingly. “But in a good way I guess? Because telling you about one of my deepest secrets is a way we can show trust and love for one another.”
“And then we can have sex.” Rainbow Dash said.
“That too.” Twilight nodded, prim.
“And just what is your fetish again?”
Twilight Sparkle told Rainbow Dash her terrible fetishy secret.
“Wow.” Rainbow Dash scratched at the back of her head. “I knew some ponies were into some weird stuff, but you take the cake. Uh, metaphorically speaking, that is. Don't get me started on what Pinkie Pie likes to do with cinnamon buns. But even that's normal compared to … you know. Your thing.”
“I should never have told you!” Twilight Sparkle flung herself back to her much-used bed and began sobbing into her pillow. And not in a good way. “Now you will think I am some kind of perverted deviant!”
“The perverted deviant thing is cool!” Rainbow Dash said. “I mean, everyone has their own weirdo thing they're into. It's just that yours is a little … “
“Debauched? Depraved? Despicable?” Twilight said.
“Physically impossible.”
“Oh yes, that is also inconvenient.” Twilight sighed. “And so I guess I will resign myself to a long and unfufilling life in which I shall never get to indulge my terrible secret fetish. Which is terrible.”
“Too bad you couldn't use magic or something.”
“That's it!” Twilight perked up. “I can use my special unicorn magic to alter reality to fit my own wanton desires, which means my terrible secret fetish will become improbably feasible!”
“Hot.” Rainbow Dash said.
“And while I do magic, you can get the other stuff we'll need! There's a slide trombone in a case beneath my bed, and a fresh jar of pickles in the pantry!”
“This is going to be the best sex ever!” Rainbow Dash sped off to acquire the necessary components. By the time she gathered them all up, Twilight sparkle was all glowy with fuzzy magic energy and then she cast a spell and then Rainbow Dash touched her on the butt and then they did a bunch of other stuff that eventually left the both of them out of breath and sticky (but in a good way).
It was the best sex ever.
“Wow!” Rainbow Dash shook her head. “I didn't know having a secret terrible fetish could be so hot. Now I think I have that secret terrible fetish too!”
“That's okay, Rainbow Dash!” said Twilight, “because now that I made up a magic spell, we can have secret terrible fetish intercourse whenever we want!”
Then Princess Celestia showed up for some reason.
“Twilight Sparkle!” Princess Celestia said. “I heard you were using magic inappropriately! I have come to disapprove and tell you not to do that because I hate fun.”
“Oh no!” Twilight Sparkle pulled her bedsheets over her head, which made the now-open jar of pickles fall to the floor. “I didn't want to hurt anyone! I just wanted to consensually indulge in my terrible secret fetish with anyone who will indulge me.”
“It's super hot.” Rainbow Dash nodded.
“If you put it that way, I guess I have to arbitrarily change my mind.” Princess Celestia picked up the slide trombone. “In fact, I now want to have overcomplicated and potentially difficult sexual relations with the both of you. At the same time!”
“Yay!” Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash cheered in unison. That's when Celestia--
Discord didn't look up from the typewriter until he heard a door slam somewhere behind him. Heart pounding, he spun around, only to find himself face to face with his best (and potentially only) friend in the whole world: Fluttershy.
“Oh, hello.” The yellow pony shrugged off her saddlebags. “I wish you'd told me you were coming over, because then I could have cleaned up a little bit.”
“Ah! Yes.” Discord made it a point to block Fluttershy's view of the typewriter. “I was just going, in fact. I, uh, didn't know you would be back from your trip to Cloudsdale so soon.”
“Rainbow Dash wanted to come back early so she could get a head start on tomorrow's weather.”
“How productive.” Discord grumbled. “But! Since you must be tired from your long, long trip, I will be a good friend and leave you to get some much needed rest.”
“Oh, okay.” Fluttershy looked at the floor for a moment. “I understand if you want to go. But I'm not that tired, in case you'd like a cup of tea before you go?” The little yellow pegasus looked up with a wide, weapons-grade look of cuteness, and Discord's shoulders slumped.
“I suppose just one cup of tea couldn't hurt,” he grumbled.
“You still like Earl Grey, right?” Fluttershy said as she started bustling around the kitchen.
“Of course!” Discord forced a smile. While Fluttershy started filling the teakettle, he reached behind him and yanked the sheet of paper out of the typewriter. It would've been the perfect crime, if the typewriter hadn't given a resounding 'ding!' as he did so.
Curious, Fluttershy stuck her head out of the kitchen. “I didn't know you liked to write.” Fluttershy said, eyes falling to the paper in Discord's talons.
“What, this?” Discord thought about disintegrating the paper, but he couldn't quite bring himself to destroy his hard work. “I … dabble, that's all.”
“If you'd like to borrow my typewriter, you can.” Fluttershy nodded. “But then again, can't you just snap your fingers and make one appear?”
“I … er, can, yes. But sometimes it's a little more gratifying to work on the genuine article.” He made it a point not to mention that using a mortal-plane typewriter also meant there would be no trace of his magic on the finished product that could be traced back to him.
“That makes sense.” Fluttershy nodded. “Can I please read what you wrote? I think it's so great you're taking up hobbies that don't involve spreading magical mayhem.”
“Well, uh.” Discord scratched at the back of his neck. “It's just a rough draft, so--”
“Oh boy!” Fluttershy flapped her wings and, swooping with surprising speed, she plucked the paper from Discord's talons. Her wide-eyed enthusiasm slowly morphed into a baffled expression as she read.
“It's not pornography.” Discord crossed his arms and huffed. “It's erotica.”
“It's … something.” Fluttershy murmured. “So, uh … I'm just offering a little bit of constructive criticism, but … do you, um … do you know how sex actually works?”
“Of course I do!” Discord frowned. “Just because I'm an Nth-dimensional chaos god doesn't mean I don't understand the habits of carbon-based life forms. I personally don't see the appeal, but it's just so common you can't avoid it nowadays. Why, it seems that all of your 'civilization' was really just invented so you ponies could think of new ways to mash their squishy bits together.”
Fluttershy peered up at Discord, and then trotted over to one of her bookshelves. She pulled out a few collections of outdated nature magazines, and then reached into the space behind them to produce a battered paperback with a faded pink cover, bearing the image of a mare in surprisingly wispy period attire lounging in the embrace of a broad-shouldered stallion with luxuriously long hair.
“I'm not going to judge.” Fluttershy's voice was decisive, despite the crimson blush painting her cheeks. “But if you want to write por-- if you want to write erotica, then you should at least do some, uh, research.” She placed the paperback on the table and slid it across to Discord. “If you don't have time to read the whole thing, just skip ahead to the dog-eared pages.”
Curious, Discord picked up the romance novel and snapped his fingers, causing a pair of glasses to materialize on his snout. He leafed through the book until he reached the first of the dog-eared pages, and then suddenly dropped the book as if it had suddenly scalded him.
“That's how it works!?” Discord said.
“Pretty much, yeah.” Fluttershy shrugged.
“Well, if that's the case, I think I will stick to being a non-corpreal energy being who only occasionally manifests in a physical form. All of … that just strikes me as … unsanitary. I mean … she put it in her mouth? Why would you even do that?”
“Some ponies enjoy it?” Fluttershy said in a blushing murmur.
“And that sounds crazy even to me.” Discord slumped down in a chair and rubbed at his temples. “But, I suppose there's no accounting for taste. But if that is how it is, don't think I'll ever try my hand at writing porn-- erotica ever again.”
Fluttershy managed to hide her sigh of relief.
Barely.
Author's Note
I may have been a bit drunk when I started writing this.
