Authors note:
In advance text in 'text' is inner thought. This is an attempt at semi-semi-serious crack (at least in the beginning). Feel free to leave constructive criticism. And a special thank you to KartalTheWriter for editing this for me, spell-checking and whatnot, without him it'd look like crap as opposed to simply being crap. at least now it looks presentable.
The ruler of Equestria was currently sitting regally upon her majestic throne, groaning inwardly. It was about that time of the month again, not that time, the time in question was when some uptight noble representative would come and try and con her into a decision she was nowhere stupid enough to accept using drawn out political Bullshitting techniques and making the subject seem more important then it was.
On the outside her serene expression was the same as always, wise, regal and caring. She appeared to be taking an interest in whatever the business colt was saying but inwardly she was wishing she could just burn his slide shows and place him under arrest (or at least felt that way). Somehow the pony had managed to stretch out a 10-15 minute session into the current mind numbing 2 hour monster it had become. He used long complex words without necessity, and stretched out his sentences to make the mundane seem overly-important. He even covered every little point and then went into further detail to the extent that he began repeating himself. 'Faust help me' Celestia thought to herself as he began going over the fine details of why his idea would ultimately benefit the economy.
"And so you see your highness, the current economical climate will benefit from a tax reduction as the upper class will be able to spend more freely thus ensuring-"
He just kept going on, and although it didn't show it was really starting to frustrate her. Normally she would have politely dismissed the messenger and got on with her day, however this particular pony represented various important and influential companies which she didn't want to offend, thus the current torture continued. 'It's bad enough he wants a 1.5% tax reduction for the upper class, but he doesn't have to stretch it out like this. Surely he realizes I'll never take the deal and he's just wasting his and my time' She sighed inwardly. The reason he was asking this was because Equestria had been experiencing recent economic growth. There were much better things to have it spent on, like lowering lower class tax and public welfare.
"and so in conclusion-"
A small smile graced Celestia's face, unlike before this one was actually genuine, 'Finally this torment ends' inwardly she was cheering but on the outside she appeared to be giving her uppermost attention to the colt. "Thank you sir Ivory, I will take your request into the uppermost consideration" she smiled that glorious, genuine smile down at the business pony and his face lit up seeing her pleased, he'd thought he'd won her over with his clever words and mind games. But that smile was for a completely different reason.
Bowing deeply, the colt backed away showering her majesty with praise and generally being a kiss-ass. "you won't regret this your majesty" he said with a flourish.
"Yes, I'm sure I won't" she said cheerfully, she often used double meaning to skirt around having to lie, she really wasn't going to regret denying the request with extreme prejudice.
Celestia physically slumped in her throne as the insufferable pony left the room. She was exhausted mentally and her back ached. She glanced outside towards the horizon where the sun was low in the sky, 'one more for today, just one, then I'm going to have a nice, lonnnnng bath'.
Thankfully the guards were facing away when she slouched so they didn't get to see their ruler's moment of weakness; they sat rigidly at either side of the bottom of her majesties throne. Regaining her composure she turned forward and straightened her back, adjusted her face and prepared her mind for whatever preposterous bullshit she'd have to deal with next. Suppressing a sigh, her horn glowed and the doors swung open signalling for the next guest to enter public day court.
She sat waiting, and continued to sit for around ten seconds. 'Why aren't they entering?' she thought to herself. There was some brief confusion and bewildered whispering from just outside the door which caused the regent of the sun to raise her eyebrow. Finally, after having been instructed to do so by the guard a strange group of ponies nervously entered the throne room.
Leading them was a blue unicorn colt with an un-kept black mane. Next came an enthusiastic, cheerful looking brown Earth pony colt with a black mane. Then a green Pegasus Cantered in, her dark green mane spun in dreadlocks wearing a Rastafarian hat. Celestia outwardly smirked at that, 'Thank Faust, at least I won't have to deal with any more Equestian tax codes today'.
And lastly in back to Princess Celestia's great surprise was a shaking Fluttershy, eyes glued to the floor and mane covering her face as if in shame. Now this really was interesting, but not an entirely bad surprise in any respect.
Celestia actually relaxed as the ponies approached nervously, she was greatly relieved. All day everyday she dealt with business representatives and uptight nobles with rigid business decorum who would take offense at the slightest gesture. But every once in a while there would come an individual or group of 'normal' lower-class ponies, who didn't expect any kind of special treatment. They were down to earth, compromising and easier to relate to. This was a welcome change from the harsh norm that Celestia always enjoyed, as she felt she could relax and not feel pressured at all.
The mismatched group stopped a little too close to the throne, crowded together and looking quite uncomfortable. Finally the leader, a blue unicorn, stepped forward and... well did pretty much nothing at all, he just stood staring at the floor and fiddled with his fore-hooves.
'Looks like I'll have to get the ball rolling' "Greetings, I trust your journey was pleasant enough" Celestia's greeting was warm and inviting, and it was one of the few occasions such a thing was actually genuine. The unicorn colt looked up anxiously, somewhat relieved by her Majesties kind voice. "y-yes it was, t-thank you your Majesty" he said shakily.
Sitting upright he seemed to steal himself in order to say something important, "S-so, sup your highness...uh...". Such a strange greeting brought stare from the guard from the left. Celestia found it endearing. "Yeah so, I've come her today to discuss something very i-important to me and my buddies" his voice was a few octaves higher then normal and Celestia found it adorable.
Taking a deep breath he stepped forward even closer, "I-I think...." he paused to take another deep breath. "I think you should legalize marijuana" And then their was silence, Celestia lost her composure and stared blankly, unable to think of anything. Even the guards too broke posture and stared briefly, a few even cracked a smirk or two. The seconds passed, and finally Celstia spoke.
"I..." was all she could manage, she was rarely if ever shocked into silence, she always had a reply ready. Always. But not this time apparently, she was torn, she wasn't going to go through with the request, but she didn't want to see the disappointment in their little faces, it was clear they had traveled a long way by the bags under their eyes. So she sat awkwardly trying to think of a way to let them down gently.
Fortunately the silence was interrupted as a dam seemed to break in the blue unicorn, "please you highness, weed is such a wonderful thing. I only wish the whole world could experience it. It's so wonderful I think everypony should try it at least once!" He was rather passionate about the subject and was almost in tears begging; Celestia could tell his intentions were completely genuine but that just made it harder to turn them down.
Celestia frowned "I... I'm sorry my little pony, but I just can't Legalize marijuana, it's simply too risky."
The blue unicorn looked heartbroken, but he fully expected this. "But your highness, it's perfectly safe. In fact it's less damaging then alcohol and infinitely more awesome, it'd solve so many problems, like neighborly disputes and, and-"
"I'm sorry, but I just can't do that. Besides my little pony" She looked down sympathetically at the pony with sad eye's "You don't ever need drugs to find true happiness"
He looked down sadly, the sight was heartbreaking to Celestia. "I know that.... I never said that we did need drugs to be happy, but... but if that's the case why is alcohol legal and pot not?"
She paused "... Cider has been around for longer then I have. I simply can't stop ponies from drinking can I? It's simply too wide spread"
"That doesn't make it right!" he cried.
Celestia sighed sadly "No, no I suppose it doesn't, but the side effects of alcohol are well documented and the effects of weed are so much stronger, ponies could get hurt while under it's effects".
He looked at her sideways in bafflement "But no more then drunk ponies.... and how do you know? Have you ever tried it?"
"No, I have not my little pony" Said the princess of the sun patiently.
He brightened up and started looking hopeful "So why don't you try weed? you totally should it's great y'know, right now"
And for the second time that day the guards and Celestia did a double take; this pony was setting records.
Now Celestia had to suppress a laugh, a pony had come into the royal palace and asked the princess of the sun to smoke a joint. It was well up their on the list of strangest things that had ever occurred in the palace court room, she'd have fun telling Luna about this at the crossover (The time when Luna and Celestia exchanged their rule and ate breakfast and supper respectively. As was ancient tradition).
"Oh my no! I'm afraid I'll have to decline. But thank you all the same." she wore a smirk on her face.
"But-" he tried only to be cut off.
"I'm sorry my little ponies, but... I simply can't" she closed her eyes and talked somberly in order to sound sympathetic. "There are too many ponies out their that don't want marijuana Legalized, and doing so would cause widespread political turmoil. So I'm sorry, but my final answer is-" she was cut of as a stream of water hit her in the face, drenching her flowing hair and making her cringe. Everything was deathly quiet as the water dripped from her chin causing the only audible sound in the room, nopony even breathed.
Slowly she opened her eye's and saw the shaking blue colt with a terrified expression on his face, in the magical grasp he carried a high powered water gun. The Rastafarian mare spoke up, "Can't believe you actually did it mon". Meanwhile Fluttershy was quivering on the ground in an adorable fashion.
Then Celestia burst out laughing, Much to the confusion of everypony present. For the first time in weeks Celestia had a genuine hysterical laughing fit at the sheer craziness of it all. The entire situation made her feel almost normal, and let her forget briefly about palace life, it felt like all the tension in her just suddenly broke.
"S-so, your not mad?" asked the blue colt in absolute bafflement.
"HAhaurha ha oh no ha, oh my no. I-ha wish this kind of thing happened more often" she replied mirthfully. "Alghough I must ask, why did you feel the need to soak me exactly?"
"Oh uh.... to make a point?" he said unsure and with no small deal of fear.
"Your majesty, what should we do with them?" asked the guard to the right, he was currently glaring at the colt who dared assault and humiliate his mistress.
A cheerful Celestia turned to him "Hmm? Oh, let them leave"
"But you majesty-"
"No buts, just go" she said dismissively, pointing towards the door. The group slinked away and out of the palace proper. Celestia left the throne room shortly afterwards and was currently trotting down the hallways.
In a good mood from the little escapade, Celestia decided that yes, she would go to the annual formal Canterlot garden party this year, tonight in-fact. Usually she couldn't be bothered and made up some excuse because she disliked the nobility, but she felt pretty optimistic about tonight. She eagerly trotted down the hall while wiping the last of the water from her face, A sudden feeling of lightheadedness over took her which she attributed to the earlier excitement. 'Must be getting old' she joked to herself. What she didn't know was that the water gun had been filled with 10 hits of acid.
As always, the hallway leading to Celestia's private chambers were utterly devoid of guards. The walls were decorated with various golden patterned indentations and paintings which told stories of ages past. Usually the Princess would have taken them for granted but tonight they seemed different, as if she were looking at them for the first time. She even stopped to admire a few choice paintings, which she hadn't done in many many years. 'Everything looks nicer tonight' she thought to herself admiring a portrait of a general, she noticed the fine details on the collars that she'd always overlooked. It looked quite spectacular. "Why didn't I give that artist more credit... this is magnificent". Of course it was a rhetorical question, the artist was long dead.
Finally pulling herself away from admiring the same art she'd seen thousands of times, she practically skipped towards her royal chambers. It was incredibly strange, but Celestia felt great tonight. She felt light, as if she was floating and actually looked forward to going to a stuffy garden party filled with uptight nobles. 'But who am I to question my good mood today' and she didn't, she just went with the feeling because she rarely if ever felt this great.
The double doors opened and Celestia waltzed in, deciding there was enough time for a bath she began taking off her golden regalia and glanced around the room. It looked nice. The room was the same as always: plain walls with simple wallpaper, a simple bed made hundred of years ago (A relic from times gone by), and the same minimalist decor. She may have been the princess of Equestria, but at heart she was the same mare that lived in a cave eating berries at the dawn of civilization. As she'd always been. Then she'd lived in a hovel for a time, survived a war, lived under discord, defeated said evil, was crowned princess alongside her sister and the rest was history.
By now she had turned the tap on and was proceeding to run herself a bath, while waiting she walked out of her private bathroom (which was much more luxurious then her bedroom). She just felt like laying down on her bed and-
She paused wide eyed, her bedroom looked radically different then it had looked before. Colors everywhere were extremely vivid, and everything looked amazing as if crafted by a master artisan, better in fact. She flinched, staring slack jawed and overcome with awe and shock, she blinked once and everything was different again. As she swept her gaze across the room, colors blurred together into swirling rainbows and everything seemed to be in slow motion.
Raising her forelegs she looked down at her bare hooves, they seemed distorted and constantly rippled. Suddenly she was overcome with a groundbreaking revelation. 'Why do we have hooves... why not claws or flippers' The idea was so astounding to her that she was left breathless at this. And then she burst out laughing, laughing at the swaying walls and the little sea-ponies dancing on the ceiling. It was all so incredible, she felt so incredible. In the back of her mind she knew this wasn't normal, that something was seriously wrong. But quite frankly she felt to good to care .
Princess Celestia walked forward slowly, her face held an expression of wonderment as she took in every spectacle currently going on in her room, her head turning right, left, up, down, she stopped suddenly as she spotted quite possibly the most amazing sight she ever seen. Outside her window her sun was setting, and it was glorious. The sky was lit up like a kaleidoscopic harboring every single color, and a few she'd never even seen before. It took her breath away and she almost started crying at the sheer beauty of it all.
After around 20 minuets the sun had set, and Celestia was finally able to tear her gaze away from the most amazing sight she'd ever behold. At that very moment she yelped. Something had grabbed her back leg, something slimy. Turning around she saw that the would be creature was simply an ocean, she was on a beach. The waves washed gently onto the beach, she found it was quite calming and she instantly settled down.
Lifting a hoof, she dipped it into the water, it was pleasantly warm. Trotting forward she discovered that she didn't sink and in fact was walking on the water as if it were a solid surface. She bounded across the vast oceans surface, she felt like she needed to cross it, her sister was on the other side. She didn't know why but she did.
Then she spotted it, out in the distance was an island, it was extremely tall and looked like a mile wide plateau rising out of the middle of the deep blue ocean, There was no beach surrounding the landmass, the orange rock just shot straight up into the air. Behind her was nothing, the land had sunk. But that was OK, she continued towards the island.
When she got there she came across two gigantic decorated pillars on either side of the entrance, a hole in the colossal land mass stretching a hundred meters wide. Behind the pillars led to a canyon which stretched miles high, the sun was shining down directly above her as she continued on through the maze of earth and rock.
Eventually she reached the end of the snaking canyon, and as she exited it she beheld the most astounding sight. A gigantic waterfall pf crystal clear water cascading from a portal of blinding vibrant light high above. She had discovered the source of all the worlds water, the place the very god themselves had crafted so long ago and the means of which they used to create the great oceans.
Princess Celestia was currently starring slack jawed at an overflowing bathtub. She'd left the water on. Suddenly there came a knocking at the door startling her out the trance. She looked everywhere in bewilderment.
"Tia? Sister thou art to attend the annual Emerald gardens charity event at 10:45, Lord nox has urged, or rather pestered us not to let thou forget or weasel thou way out as in the past". Luna waited for a reply, after receiving non she huffed and shouted through the door.
"Thou had better be there, if thou doth blow this off IT IS US, who will look the fool!" with that she turned and left for the event. Minutes later the door opened and the regent of the sun staggered out wide eyed, looking quite lost and confused. She glanced around the hallway before trotting in a zigzag down the hall, swaying as she went.
Celestia had no idea where she was, the hallways lengthened and stretched off into the distance, then crunched back up again constantly going forwards and back. The path ahead twisted and corkscrewed around, and as it twisted cracks would appear spilling brilliant multicolored light onto everything, before sealing back up again. It was rather beautiful.
She had to go somewhere, the disembodied voice had told her so. She didn't know exactly where as the voice had been distorted beyond comprehension. And so she began wondering aimlessly throughout the strange morphing maze. She came across a bend and turned left.
There in front of her stood two strange creatures, beings of light that shone like the sun and stood 12 foot high, they were wearing brilliant golden Armour that glistened and glowed. Upon her arrival the Sun elementals seemed to straighten, their eyes which emitted beautiful golden light shone forwards. Somehow she knew they'd do no harm. Their purpose was to protect whatever secrets this strange place held.
Cautiously she approached the majestic creatures, and upon further inspection she discovered that their fur was actually billions of strands of finely woven silk that floated and flowed in an invisible solar wind. Much like her own.
Bronze Shield and Shining Knight were standing guard to the palace kitchens as per usual, thankfully it was currently 10:27 according to the clock down the hall. Just three more minutes till they could go home, Bronze had to repress a sigh of relief. It had been a hard day.
Offbeat clopping sounds came from the right, telling him somebody was approaching. To his great surprise The Princess Celestia herself came trotting around the corner. Both gaurds instantly strightened up, they'd heard about the incident earlier in court, and from what others had told them they'd had every reason to believe her Majesty would be in a foul mood. 'Perhaps she had come for a snack?' he thought, it wasn't completely unheard of.
Her hoof steps stopped and anxiety griped his heart, 'am I doing something wrong?' he asked himself. He didn't dare make eye contact with what he saw as a physical manifestation of god. Four more steps rang out signalling she'd taken two steps forward and stopped. It sounded like she was going to say something, he could just see her staring through his peripheral vision. She was staring.
'OH Faust! They found out about the whoopee cushion!'. Bronze Shield was terrified, It was frowned upon and practically downright illegal to smuggle practical jokes equipment into the guards barracks. 'I'm going to jail' he thought, sweating profusely. 'I'm going to-' he line of thought was halted as his mistress once again moved forward slowly, directly towards him.
She was coming closer, and Bronze felt trapped, like the walls were closing in and his doom was coming ever closer. It took all he had to stop trembling, his expression was hopeless. He felt the Princesses warm breath on his side and everything just kind of stopped for him. The world stood still and silence reigned supreme. 'This is it! Oh Faust, Oh Faust, OH-' Bronze was shocked into silence when he felt it. The regent of the sun herself rubbed her face against his belly! And then again, her face started going back and forth, eye's closed and rubbing up and down with an expression of pure bliss. She cooed softly as she went.
He was frozen solid without any idea what to do, loosing all composure he uttered the first thing that came to mind. "..Uh..". Helplessly he turned his head to his comrade who was staring wide eyed, he gave Bronze a look that said 'Is she coming on to you!?!?' reading his expression the Royal Guard sent him back a 'OH FAUST HELP ME!' expression. Shining Knight just shrugged, clueless as to what was going on.
Her Majesty was acting extraordinarily strange. 'Is she drunk?!?' he questioned himself. He paused briefly as she brought a hoof round his neck to hug him. It was profoundly uncomfortable. Looking lost and helplessly at his friend, who stared back sympathetically, he used what little of his brain that wasn't paralyzed in horror to come up with a plan of action.
...
...
...
He was going to have to say something wasn't he... damn.
Coughing softly to clear his throat, he spoke in a shaky voice that was three pitches higher then it should have been. "Um.. y-your highness, how can I be of s-service?" 'Oh Faust that was the wrong Question!' he screamed mentally 'now she'll think I'm consenting to sex or something!'. Celestia continued brushing her foreleg over his furry neck as if she'd never heard him, her expression distant. "Hmmmmmmm" she cooed slowly. If it wasn't so terrifing it would have been adorable.
Shining had to suppress a laugh and sent him a look of 'smooth', Bronze sent him back a glare that said 'your a bucking asshole, y'know that'. As soon as it had started it was over, Celestia untied herself from the guard and staggered down the hallway, her interest apparently stolen by various paintings. She was muttering something vaguely to do with "mysteries" and "treasure".
Bronze slumped, sighing in relief and planting his flank on the floor. He brought his foreleg to his chest and breathed in deeply. The ordeal was over.
"so...what was all that about?" asked shining.
"I-I don't even know, Do you think she was drunk or something?" He replied, still shaken.
"Yeah actually, we should really go stop her or something".
"ARE YOU INSANE! you can't stop THE Princess of Equestria"
Shining drew his head back in minor shock but then lent forward. "Ok, OK Listen.... I think there's something wrong with the princess"
"Well no shit sherlock!" Bronze shouted back angrily.
"Oh shut up! I'm just saying it's our job to protect the princess, I think today we have to protect her from herself, she's clearly drunk out of her mind and needs to be stopped before she causes a national incident"
"No way, I am not going near her after-"
"Man up you coward! this is the princess we're talking about here, we swore oaths to protect her with our very LIVES, are you going to void them because you're too scared to take action?"
Bronze looked down in shame, "No... no I won't" he answered solemnly.
Shining grabbed his friends shoulders and looked his friend in the eyes and cried passionately "Then come-on buddy, this is our big chance. Lets go save Equestria together!"
Bronze looked up, eyes sparkling with determination "Your right, lets do this!" It was always his colthood dream to save the world, and now he was really going to do it.
"Buck yeah!"
"Buck yeah"
He paused, "Just one though shining, where IS the princess"
Shining looked around the empty halls with a confused expression. "Ah..... now that would be a problem"
The various party-goers were now arriving in a slow trickle, and light conversation was the main source of sound. All around ponies wearing fancy and expensive clothing stood drinking the finest champagne, chatting idly. So far no music had began playing, Octavia and friends were still setting up their equipment for the big night ahead.
Meanwhile Princess Luna was standing alone, dearly hoping that her sister would actually show up this time. Unlike Celestia, Luna actually enjoyed these pretentious high-class parties, she always did enjoy the finer things in life. 'mine sister would do well to-'
Two out of breath royal guards galloped desperately towards her, causing quite a stir throughout the crowd. "I say!" gasped one posh mare, who turned her head up and away from them. The guards nearly collapsed when they got to Luna, and paused for a second to get their breath. 'Oh what now' The Princess thought to herself.
"Your *HUFF* Majesty, there are pressing matters to discuss"
Luna scowled, "Let us guess, our dear sister has decided to blow this off YET AGAIN, and has made some preposterous excuse?"
"Wha- no your highness! there's something wrong with her, she-"
Her eye's widened and she spoke in a hushed whisper "Stay thy tongue! we shall speak of this at a more secluded location. Least we panic these fools". Luna fully expected this to be one of her sisters pranks, have the guards yell about something horrible happening to her and the whole party gets thrown into chaos. 'Well we shalt not fall for it' She practically dragged the guards off to the side with her magic until she exited the garden and was standing under a parapet roof away from the party. The spot was darker and less well lit then the garden, and the tiles beneath her were cold.
"Now, you shall tell us- I mean I- me, what is going on here. What hath my sister planned?"
Bronze looked towards the ground, partly out of respect and partly out of fear, Luna hated that. Meanwhile it was shining who spoke up in a high pitched nervous voice, "You highness, her majesty Princess Celestia is.... well um.. she's..."
"Out with it! what troubles thou"
His voice still betrayed his anxiety"Her highness Princess Celestia is somewhat.. uh.... intoxicated...your Majesty" Luna believed him.
"OH not this dung pile again!" this had happened before, there was a government conspiracy to cover it up and they had to make several ponies swear to secrecy after 'The Kitchen Incident'. Those poor ponies.
Bronze raised his eyebrow at the strange saying, but otherwise didn't say anything.
"What are we to do your majesty?"
The regent of the moon paused thoughtfully for a few seconds before continuing, "we'll have to capture mine sister, and imprison her in her chambers till the effects of alcohol have worn thin"
Both guards gulped, Imprison a princess? "I-i don't think that I could-"
"Hark! thou art not paid to think, thou have no choice in the matter, now where did thou last observe mine drunken sister" she asked of them sternly.
"Palace Kitchens..."
"Then let us make haste!" with that the three of them galloped off, lead by princess Luna. If she were lucky, she would corner her sister and nopony would be any the wiser. And she knew exactly where her sister would go when in such a state, she knew her too well. But Celestia was not drunk, for when they exited the party and entered the castle, it was only seconds later that a hallucinating sun Princess stumbled out of the very same entrance and towards the party. She swayed left and right , her head pointing this way and that looking at various things. Giggling hysterically, laughing at imagined things that weren't even there.
Celestia was galloping through vast planes of grassland, above her the nights sky shone in all it's fractal glory, its many diverse patterns repeating into infinity. In every direction, far away in the distance rose gigantic castles and fortresses built into the perpetually swaying and twisting mountainside, the land itself seemed to spiral in on itself increasingly the further away she gazed and eventually it became a fractal pattern itself. It was all so beautiful.
One such castle rose from over the crest of a hill, it was massive. Sounds of festivities came from within and Princess Celestia found herself hypnotized by the strange music. Taking flight the castle rushed towards her at great speed, growing in size until she could witness just how truly colossal it really was. Peering over its walls, The princess of the sun found there was indeed a festival of sorts going on, thousands of strange creatures strutted around in utterly ridiculous clockwork outfits. it took all that she was not to laugh at them, as that would have been rude.
She landed on the checkered floor the of castle and looked around, everywhere she cast her gaze she found floating airships shaped like various things. Confetti rained from the sky and the castle walls were melting into puddles of chocolate. She found herself hungry at the mere sight of it, all that chocolate collecting into vast pools beneath the armaments. Ignoring the stares of the strange creatures, who stood on stilt like legs (and often dressed in 18th century clothing), she continued passed them towards the pools of chocolate across the coloured field. She was trotting along quite merrily until all of the sudden her hoof sank into the floor.
Looking down, she saw that the green and purple checkered floor suddenly lowered slightly and became more of an inflatable bouncy castle. She was now on-top of a bouncy castle, but that did not deter her as on the other side stood her prize. The vast pools of chocolate milk.
She continued onwards, her hooves sinking knee deep into the wonderfully soft fabric that the inflatable castle comprised of. It felt wonderful beyond all comprehension. As she sank into the floor it seemed to envelope her in a warm loving embrace, she continued on a few steps until she was finally unsteadied by the surface and fell into it. Celestia didn't think she could get back up, it felt so wonderful. The multicolored fabric was the softest thing she'd ever had the pleasure of lying in, it felt unlike anything she'd experienced; better then the finest silk, softer then the whitest cloud, it was heaven.
Giving into the sensations all over her body, the princess of the sun forgot all about her quest for the pools of chocolate and instead rolled around, cooing in bliss.
All manner upper-class and noble pony stared as the Princess of the sun herself, the Dawn-bringer and ruler over all lay rolling in the grass, getting mud in her pristine coat and grass clipping all over her mane and tail (which is actually normal real life horse behavior). She had been wondering towards a chocolate fountain with a distant expression and blissful smile when suddenly she dropped to the ground, no-pony knew what to make of it.
So far all attempts to communicate with her highness had met with failure and it was frankly causing quite a stir. "I say, what is our majesty doing?" asked one bewildered posh mare. Here was the most influential figure in the known world, the one every single pony attending the event wanted to become closer too, if only because they could never hope to raise above her. Or get anywhere near her social power for that matter. The crowd was lost, and so stood on in silence being physically unable to slander their princess (because that would be detrimental to their own reputation).
Unable to see anything wrong with Celestia due to her own vanity, because the princess was always her vision of perfection that she strove for, one mare spoke up "Isn't it obvious, it's a dance! Some kind of ancient custom lost to the ages!"
Meanwhile Fancy Pants raised an eyebrow at the posh mare, unable to gauge where she was going with this. He decided to keep quiet his mouth shut, because if he said anything it could be constituted as slander towards her highness.
The crowd looked at one another, unsure of how to proceed when another posh pony, a stallion in a tux spoke up. He saw what the mare, who he knew personally, was saying. He thought to himself that if she was declared a laughing stock due to her inane statement then he'd have one less influential friend and thus less power over the local bank, who was in turn influenced by said mare. That and he had a business arrangement with her over the local winery. He also knew how ponies in this terrace of society functioned, mindlessly following the herd in any decision. The most awful fashion was beautiful, as long as everyone else, or your superiors thought so. And so he took advantage.
"The noble lady is right, in my studies I have come across this ritual.... It... was used by the knights and royalty of old to celebrate victory and... give thanks to the ancestors before feasting." he was of course lying though his teeth.
Now that two noble ponies were on board, the herd began to follow. "Oh why certainty, who hasn't heard of it" cried another posh mare wearing a silken dress. Soon, because they all wanted to desperately fit in and not stand out, everypony present was talking about the 'dance' while Celestia continued rubbing her face into the floor.
Eventually one brave mare decided to take the next step. "If her Majesties doing it then so shall I", with that she dropped to the ground and began rolling in the grass, ruining her frilly dress and hairstyle in the process. The ponies in the immediate facility dropped by instinct in some knee-jerk reaction and began rolling in the soil themselves. For the first few seconds everypony looked uneasy and incredibly unsure, but at the sight of ponies dropping like flies they soon joined in.
Fancy Pants stood in a veritable sea of riving bodies and was using all of his willpower not to face-hoof. Instead he just sighed softly and abandoned his lover to roll around in the grass, he was going home. A glass of red wine and a good book sounded just about perfect right now, sometimes he wondered why he even walked among the upper-class. He sometimes even wondered if he should just give up and go live in the countryside.
Meanwhile the same blue unicorn colt responsible for the entire ordeal sat staring on the side lines, he was scruffy looking and wore a pair of frayed brown saddlebags. "Holy shit the upper class is retarded" he said under his breath, now was his chance. He'd been waiting for a chance to pour the vile of liquid into the punch since he first got here 15 minutes ago, he thought that Faust must be on his side for such a stroke of luck. His plan was simple, perhaps overly so. Get the whole government and all it's underlings to trip sack, those who didn't get bad trips would surely want to legalize LSD. He was sure of it (he clearly knew nothing about politics).
He slinked cautiously over to the food table, carefully tiptoeing around the rolling bodies as if making noise actually it mattered at this point. Here was his target, the large punch bowl sitting on the table in the middle of the party, he looked around, nobody was looking. Celestia was still surrounded by ponies copying her, the long white legs went up in the air and flailed in random directions before she rolled back over on her side and buried her face back into the grass, giggling all the while. Apparently these ponies didn't question his actions because he was a commoner, so it appeared they didn't care he was standing out and payed him no attention. 'which is fortunate for me' he thought to himself. Gripping the vile with his magic he unscrewed it and brought it to the punch bowl-
"HEY YOU!!!" screeched the deep and gravelly guard rapidly approaching from the sidelines. The blue unicorn gasped and lost his grip on the vile, almost spilling it before he could catch it. He turned his shaking head towards the stallion. Now Token the unicorn was not a large or particularly well built stallion by any definition, in fact he was actually rather skinny. so when an angry royal guardspony who was almost a foot taller then him and twice as muscular came up to him with a hate filled glare, he was understandably afraid.
"What do you think- wait... I know you. You're that colt that sprayed the princess with water" he glanced at the vile of clear liquid, it was obvious the colt planned to spike the water supply. The guard put two and two together, "....You.. drugged princess Celestia" his voice was cold and sinister, barely suppressing the stallions burning anger.
Token stood in absolute horror, 'this guy is going to kill me', and he certainty looked capable of doing so.
The guard narrowed his gaze"You... You are going to jail for a long time son, a long time" he advanced upon Token.
"Wait!" cried Token pathetically, his wail was so babyish that the guard actually stopped for a few seconds giving him some time to plan out or weasel his way out of trouble by clever use of diplomacy. he did the first thing that came to his head. Very calmly he stated warmly "Stealth shot" and smiled pleasantly.
"wait wha-" the guard was cut when the vile of liquid shattered against his forehead. water dripped into his eyes and he squinted, crunching up his face, that had stung, the glass was thin and didn't actually break the skin but damn did it smart. Wiping the LSD laced water from his face he opened his eyes to find that the blue colt was already halfway across the garden, falling over others in an attempt to escape. "Little shit" snarled the guard as he thundered forward with full intent to beat the smaller colt unconscious.
When the unicorn saw him coming he whimpered in fear and ran towards the first opening in a hysterical panic, he ran straight into the castle.
Luna searched the kitchen franticly, her sister was not there. 'This is without sense' she thought to herself, 'Mine sister always vistits the kitchen on her drunken escapades!'
The two guards were standing vigilantly at attention in front of the door, ensuring nothing could get in or out, "Um... perhaps we should look elsewhere your Highness?" asked shining.
"no... this doesn't any make sense, she always comes here when-" her Highness was cut off by the commotion in the outside halls. "what is that?!?" she exclaimed.
Bronze shield and shining knight rushed out of the doors to come face to face with a panicked blue colt, said colt abruptly stopped like a deer caught in headlights. "STOP!" screeched a voice that sounded like an odd mix between a lion and a cement mixer. "STOP YOU LITTle-" the burly guard came to a stop just behind token.
"What is the meaning of this!" shouted Luna, bursting out of the doors to get in on the commotion. Everypony stayed silent except token and the guard who were both out of breath. Finally the guard spoke up.
"It's this... criminal scum your majesty, he.. he was trying to sabotage the garden party by spiking the punch, and I have reason to believe he is to blame for Celestia's current condition"
Luna raised an eyebrow "Go on"
"I have reason to suspect he drugged the princess with LSD, through use of a high powered water-gun your Highness".
Luna spoke slowly in a very calm voice, but her voice was icy-cold "And what, prey tell. Is LSD?"
Everypony present looked at each other as if telling Luna would invoke their doom. Ever the book worm, Bronze was the one to finally speak up, "Ahem, LSD is a powerful hallucinogen which induces a mild euphoria..."
Luna was silent and didn't move for a few seconds. Then she exploded, "WHAT! YOU.. YOU FOOL!! HAVE YOU ANY IDEA OF WHAT THOU HAVE WROUGHT!" Everypony was silent while the princess snorted in anger, attempting to calm herself down.
"You fool, you have no idea what thou have done..."
Gingerly, token replied in a high pitched voice "W-what do you mean?"
"Thou will address us properly nave!" she gave him a glare that would disintegrate him in a hail of burning hellfire, if looks could kill. "and when I say what you have wrought, well...what thou are about to hear must remain a secret, understood, if this propergates thou will never see sunlight again!"
Again everyone was silent as the Princess of the night began her tale...
548 years BB (Before Banishment):
It had been another long and lonesome night, Luna sat all alone on a decorative cushion reading the latest works of shakesphere (who was still in his prime), again. (note the following has been translated into modern dialect)
The doors to her room burst open. And Celestia staggered in once again high off her ass on opium. "Hiiiiiii Luna..." *sigh* it was going to be one of those nights again.
Luna put down her book, "Not again sister, I implore you to stop going to these parties. it's just not healthy".
Celestia stood swaying in the doorway, her pink hair covering her face. she blinked once apparantly having forgotten where she was, "wha- no youuuuur wrong....op...opium is good for you....s'makes you happy...."
Luna gave her nearly catatonic sister a bemused glare and sighed "Celestia... you must give this up. It is not healthy" Her sister had been addicted for the past 50 years to the drug, and she was frankly becoming sick of it.
"...nuh....noo...you give it up..."
Luna stared, "Sister... go to bed..." she levitated her book back into her lap and stared at it, trying to take her mind off the sight in front of her. That promptly failed when her sister barrelled into her, having apparently decided it was an appropriate time to play wrestling, she promptly sat her fat flank down on Luna's chest.
"Tia... get off."
Celestia just snorted with laughter and stayed there, "No.... you get off." Luna truly hated it when she got like this, and it was getting worse recently. It seemed all her sister did now was attend these parties with the nobility, which were basically orgies, doing nothing but drinking, snorting moon sugar (cocaine) and smoking opium. Among other things.
Luna gave a sigh of depression, at that moment she vowed she would shut down all production of the stuff permanently, and pass laws to ban it. Her sister could do nothing as she was the only one who actually did any work around here. And what burned Luna up most inside is that everyone still loved her useless sister more then she. They practically adored her for bringing the day, half the time Luna had to do it. 'One of these days' she thought...
Everypony was silent. Until Token broke it, "WOW... so Celestia was a crack head?" he asked incredulously, nopony breathed at this as they full expected Luna to murder him.
Luna sighed, "Yes... in a sense. Times were different back then, there were no anti-drug laws. Heroin was sold commercially to put children asleep at night, and it was popular among the nobility to host orgies filled with drugs, sex and alcohol. Mine sister lost herself to those very vices."
Luna paused longingly, then scowled. "Of course, they never invited us to any of these events, but that's besides the point. The point is that thou may hath given mine sister cause to relapse. I could not stand to see her like that again".
"....It couldn't have been that bad..could it?"
The princess of the night gave a small humourless laugh,"heh, you'd be surprised nave...".
552 years BB (Before Banishment):
Princess Luna was trotting down the hallway carrying the years tax records, she'd done it, she'd banned opium. Yes she may be universally hated now but at least her sister was clean. And for that, it was well worth it. The future looked bright.
Coming up to her sisters room Luna opened the door to her sisters chambers and entered the room with a renewed enthusiasm that things were finally looking up.
"Good morning dear sister we-"
"...." Luna backed away slowly.
Luna sighed sadly, "she just replaced one addiction with another, she was an out of control, drug crazed sex maniac!, they called her Molestia for Faust's sake!. And we fear she may relapse again" her tone turned icy and she glared at token "Thanks to you". everyone was again silent as Luna glared at the hippy.
Shinning became sick of the silence, "well... at least now we know why drug laws exist right guys?" nobody was laughing.
It had at least prompted Luna into taking action "Come! it is imperative that we move post-haste and get to our si.... what are thou staring at guard?" Luna's regal voice did a good job expressing her irritation.
The large grizzled colt was staring at a corner, there was a bald monkey lying on the ceiling making rude gestures at him, it's face done up in a smug grin. The walls seemed to be melting. The guard replied in a shaky voice "That little sh- that scoundral smashed a vile of it in my face, but I can still-"
"I'm afraid not, you shan't accompany us while compromised, thou have served us well thus far"
"B-but"
"Thou art no good to us in your currant state Sargent, go home and rest".
The large colt lowered his head with a sad expression but accepted his mistresses orders. "Yes your majesty". And with that he wondered off sadly, trying not to scream back at the skeletons emerging out of the walls, if he wan't so grizzled he'd let the bad trip get to him, but he didn't show it.
"We hath wasted too much precious time already, let us make haste!" and with that Luna and the three stallions raced off to save Celestia from great embarrassment and public scandal.
End of part 1:
Ceslestia's white coat was stained with dirt and covered in grass clipping, they were in her mane and tail too. All around her stood solemn group of nobility. She sat regally in the dirt, back straight with her usual warm and serene smile which could put anypony to ease, her eyes half-lidded and relaxed. She looked almost normal, if not for the complete gibberish she was sprouting.
"I must say, these cotten clouds you put in your tea taste wonderful" she said joyfully, referring to a pink slice of cake she'd strangely decided to dip into her tea. "your people are so diverse" she said smiling down happily at the strange yet delightfully colourful creatures.
The noble lord Knox, who was also covered in grass stains looked unsure for a moment "....yes well... so glad you could enjoy it your majesty" he finished with a bow.
'My how polite these creatures are' thought Celestia, it reminded her of the ponies back home, but here they were treating a foreign princess like she was their own. It was rather touching even though Celestia was used to and even sick of such behaviour directed towards herself, she still found these people endearing.
It was painfully obvious to all ponies present that Celestia was not in her right mind, of course nopony would actually acknowledge this fact. To do so would be to admit they all rolled around in the grass willingly, and quite frankly nopony wanted to admit that to themselves, so they just kept quiet and found that the ground was the most interesting thing in living memory, considering how much they stared at in shame.
A few of the braver or rather egotistical nobility had gathered round the hallucinating princess, and were having a polite chat about how cotton candy clouds being dipped in tea were one of the superior delicacies of 'their people' apparently. It was utterly ridiculous but nopony dared speak a word about it, later they would surely go on to forget the whole ordeal had ever happened and completely deny it's happening to both themselves and others.
Lord Knox was an old unicorn stallion of 83 years, he was a brown colt with a greyed mane, he'd been a Councillor for longer then he could remember, for the majority of his life. He'd seen his fair share of weird happenings, the golden regalia of the sun princess being stolen in the greatest theft ever beheld (the escape through the courtyard was legendary), noble gentlecolts duelling over fair maidens, royal scandals among the nobility and Faust forbid he manage to forget that Gala a few years back. But watching the princess take a bite of her tea soaked cake simply took the cake.
"I must inquire as to what this extraordinary festival is about, pardon my ignorance but what are your fair people celebrating, what do those floats up there symbolize" she asked, pointing a hood to the sky at the various intricately designed giant floats depicting elegant swans and colourful peacocks floating overhead.
Lord Knox followed her hoof and stared at the flock of birds circling above them, waiting for the garden party to end so they could gobble up the crumbs left lying around. 'Filthy scavengers' he thought, at a loss as to how to respond to the princesses question. It took him a few seconds to regain his composure.
".... Our founding?" he answered incredulously, deciding it would be best just go along with her madness for now.
"Oh fascinating, I'd love to hear about your history and culture, may I be so bold as to ask how your fair city came to be?" she asked, looking very attentive and curious, a warm smile plastered across her face.
Lord Knox couldn't take it any-more, "Princess Celestia... are you perfectly sure you are feeling all-right?" he said slowly, some exasperation in his voice showing, eyes bugging out as he leaned forward in an attempt to assess his princesses condition.
Celestia paused, confused as to what prompted the strange creature to inquire about her health, but she quickly relaxed and answered calmly "why, I am perfectly fine." Then she perked up and answered cheerfully "I feel great actually, thank you for asking". He sighed in thinly concealed frustration which the princess didn't seem to notice.
There were a few brief seconds of silence, then just as it began getting awkward Celestia spoke up, "how do you maintain the pools of chocolate" she asked pointing behind the mayor of knoxville at the vast glistening pools of chocolate milk that covered the land.
Lord Knox turned towards the small chocolate fountain brought in for the nights festivities, it was more decorative then anything as nopony would actually risk the mess of dipping their hooves in. "Oh that... I suppose that's pump operated" he answered, face brightening at the sign his princess was starting to return to normal. That hope was soon crushed.
"Fascinating, do you pump in the chocolate from a reservoir or is it made in factories?"
Lorn Know sighed and answered sarcastically "Yes, yes your highness, we pump the chocolate into the fountain from a reservoir out in the countryside, they happen to form naturally around here." She believed him.
"That's astounding!" she gasped in wonder, "I didn't know chocolate reservoirs formed naturally, why, this kind of thing would never happen where I come from". She paused, 'except maybe when Discord ruled...' she began to wonder if imprisoning him as such a good idea afterall.
Meanwhile Lord Knox sat with a bemused stare on his face, he was too old for this crap. Fortunately at that moment there was commotion to the side and The Lord took the opportunity to try and leave, backing out of the way.
Celestia heard it before she saw it, on moment she was having a nice discussion with the pleasant locals and then the ominous thundering started up above. The sky began to darken and the colourful creature creatures backed away in fear, she found the ordeal distressing. Over the castle walls she saw the cloud approaching, it looked like the nights sky had taken a physical incorporeal form as a gigantic Opaque cloud that began flowing freely as it poured over the castle walls.
The thundering got closer and Celestia stepped back in anticipation and anxious worry, something big was coming. Suddenly two massive hooves landed on-top the hundred foot high castle walls, and slowly, ominously rose a horn which crept slowly over the top. Following the massive obsidian horn was the head of a gigantic equine, it did not look happy. 'Wait..' Celestia recognised this giant mare, it was Luna!
Princess Luna had arrived, she stopped 3 meters in front of her frightened sister having sensed her distress. She turned her head towards her frightened sibling and said "Sister, art thou all-right?"
Celestia answered with a cry "L-Luna?"
The gigantic mare sneered down in resentment, "yes" it hissed venomously "we art thou dear sister". Sparkling blue mist flowed around her head, solidifying into the iconic blue armour of nightmare moon.
She grinned maniacally "The night shall last forever, and I shall put you down dear sister" the hatred in nightmare moons voice was almost tangible.
"no" breathed the sun princess, she wouldn't let nightmare moon destroy these kind creatures "I won't let you nightmare moon"
The nightmare laughed maliciously, "Celestia, you are foolish to think you could stand against me, now die!" The nighmare lunged forwards, her white fangs bared and glistening with a feral blood-lust.
"Yes, we art thou dear sister" she spoke softly. Moving her foreleg to brush her hair out of her face.
Luna looked her sibling in the eye, trying to calm her down and speaking softly, "Sister, the night draws on, thou should lay thyself down and rest until tomorrow dear sister"
"no" breathed the sun princess, looking uneasy but soon taking on a steely resolve, "I won't let you nightmare moon"
"Celestia, please stop this foolishness, go, lie thyself down and rest" She began stepping forward slowly, planning to embrace her sister and make everything alright.
She froze as Celestia horn was set alight in a blaze of golden glory, the winds began picking up around them from the sheer power the sun princess was putting into her spell during just a few seconds. "oh shi-" she couldn't even finish her thought as the blast of golden light hit her square in the chest and launched her into the air, through several tables and then finally careening end over end into a wall, Which she hit with a crack. The last thing she saw before losing conciousness was the cold floor coming up to her face. 'Why doth this always happen to me...'
Celestia had already galloped off in a panic before the guards could get to Luna, they charged up to her and panicked as to what to do. Screems rang out and soon the plaza was empted, all the nobility had ran off to save it's own skin.
"Oh Faust she's bleeding" bronze cried, beginning to hyperventilate "she going-"
"ALRIGHT!, alright calm down, it's only a broken nose, she's going to be fine" shouted Shining knight, grabbing his buddy and shaking him. They both took a few minutes breather. Truth be told the princess was quite battered, she had splints of wood embedded into her back for Fausts sake, but she was still breathing easily and wasn't bleeding too heavily, certainty looked survivable to shinning knight. Not so much for his skittish friend bronze shield however.
"what now..." he asked solemnly.
"I don't know.... but I do know we have to help princess Luna, that's our first priority right now", bronze nodded in agreement, he helped hoist the singed princess onto his comrades back before they set off to the infirmary.
Twilight Sparkle was once again buried deep into her books in the middle of the night, obsessing over some vague and particularly specialized field of quantum physics and how the recently proven Higgs field could be bent by magic particles. The Higgs Boson was her latest scientific obsession, ever since it had been discovered last week.
She heard the slow plodding of footsteps coming down the stairs signifying that spike had woken up, she turned to him bleary eyed, "what's wrong Spike?". He handed out a letter for her to grasp with magic then retreated back up the stairs.
Twilight quickly woke up fully at the prospect of a letter from her beloved mentor, sitting up straight she wiped the sleep from her eyes and smiling warmly, she unrolled the scroll. She stopped instantly as she realized something was wrong, this message was short, not the usual long winded letter containing it's usual love and warmth. It also seemed to have been hastily scribbled instead of being well thought out and meaningful. She scowled and began reading with a worried expression:
"Twilight sparkle
I write to you with the most dreadful of news, my dear sister has reverted into nightmare moon, she seeks to bathe the world in darkness once more. Time is of the essence, it is vital that you assemble the elements of harmony and make your way to Cantalot as soon as possible. The fate of the world hangs in the * incomprehensible scribble* balence.
Celestia"
"Oh no..." Twilight muttered horrified, she couldn't believe Luna would relapse, and in such a short amount of time no less. She didn't understand, she thought Luna was doing alright, ponies loved her. They were friends, 'We ARE friends' Twilight corrected herself, she would help Luna overcome this no matter what.
Jumping to her hooves she screamed franticly for spike to get down the stairs, she had a lot of work to do in so little time.
Everything was dark, then she slowly became aware of the floor moving in front of her face. Luna slowly opened her eyes to see that she was suspended on a guard ponies back, then the pain set in and she yelped "Ah!". Both guards jumped or flinched at that. It hurt to breath.
"Good to see you are awake your highness" answered Shinning, stopping in the middle of the hall and giving his mistress sympathetic looks.
Princess Luna shifted slightly, "guard... s-set me down" she asked shakily. Unsteadily shinning complied and lowered himself so his princess could get off, she shifted off his back and sat down on the floor. Mentally and physically exhausted.
"Your Majesty, are you sure you should be walking to the infirmary.. I mean-"
"no, We're not going to the infirmary" she cut him off, "We must stop our sister before she does something foolish". Both guards gave her unsure looks, "are you sure your highness, I mean... you look like sh-unable.. to do that..."
She glared death at him. He was right however, the princess did not look too good, her muzzle was broken and her face was covered in dried blood from her bleeding nose, her wing looked bent and from her raspy voice Shining assumed she had a few broken ribs. Her face and mane were also slightly singed in places.
Luna's face straightened with resolve "I am sure, we must go stop her before she hurts somepony"
'bit late for that' thought bronze shield, "h-how are we to do that? your highness?"
She looked down solemnly "I'm afraid we know not... we may just have to 'wing it' as ponies are so fond of saying these days". Bronze shield didn't have the heart nor courage to tell her just how terrible a plan that was. Luckily his partner was both stupid and brave enough to suggest a course of action.
"I think I have an idea, you say your sister is somewhat of an alcoholic right?"
If looks could kill, "Mine sister is NOT an alcoholic, nor did I ever say such a dreadful thing"
Shinning winced, but continued on feeling that his plan would work. "I apologize your Majesty" he said sincerely. "But I think this will work", he huddled up conspiratorially. "Now bear with me here, what if, what if we got the princess to pass out by giving her lots and lots of booze, alcohol is a depressant right? it should conteract the effects of LSD"
Both the princess of the night and his friend Bronze shield just stared at him. "You're fucking retarded..."
Authors note: Haha, surprise grimdark out of fucking nowhere. Stay tuned for part 3. And if you're wandering what happened to Token the blue unicorn hippy, that will be explain later in the story.
