I don't know what to put

As I slowly dragged my feet, curling my toes and pressing into the rubber of my flip-flops, feeling the soles graze the coarse pavement, the same words kept lingering in my spacious, blank mind....  as if on shuffle mode, they go through my mind as such, "What.. do I exist for....  I have no friends.... I am a loser...  Why..... Crap... Shit.. I shouldn't have.. I regret it.... why...   dammit...  why....   huh....?."     At times the pace of my looping train of thought picked up, my breathing quickening momentarily as I exhale with each word, tears welling up in my eyes, as my gaze darted around the ground, keeping within a small radius.

It was a weekday, I was in the midst of my semester break, returning to school in a week.  This area of the riverside park was usually deserted, especially at this time of day. My head lifted slightly as I reached the bend, making a turn to the left and walking along the path, next to a construction site, separated by some thick foliage. As more thoughts poured into my mind, I inhaled sharply and uttered a squeak as I wheezed, clenching my fists.  My pace picked up a little, the shuffling of my flip flops more audible, sweeping past a couple of dry leaves, I gritted my teeth and huffed a few times, blinking out tears. I blinked rapidly, my eyes always stung when I cried recently, I had no idea why.

I soon came to a sudden stop, standing on the top of a small hill, surveying my surroundings, holding back my outburst before making sure there was no one around...  I expelled a defeated huff, then inhaled deeply through my nose, shaking  and hunkering down, slapping my knees and gripping them, releasing a blood-curdling scream of anguish, "EERRGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"