No Bones About it

by The card holder

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Starlight Glimmer, Mystery, Comedy, Random, Crossover, Human, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 1659

Therapist and Bones wind up in the middle of Ponyville just in time for Nightmare Night.

Bones and Therapist. Therapist and Bones. A pair of mystery-solving, fun having, commercial-making friends-slash-business-partners who have solved many a mystery in their freelance mystery solving company.

But sometimes, the biggest mysteries come from within.

Or at least from being teleported to a cartoon horse world.

Strap in, it's gonna get real spooky.

A crossover with Ricesnot's These Are the Mysteries series. I apologize greatly.

Published 2016-10-22 03:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-10-22 03:10:01 UTC

Horsing Around

In the middle of a street in an average part of town, a somewhat-junked van sat, with green paint on the side proclaiming that "These are the Mysteries". Inside the van, two beings were discussing some very important matters.

"but what if this is just the beginning?" one of them asked his colleague.

"bones you are talking about a cartoon," the other replied, giving an unamused stare while holding his precious small skeleton close. "It has no bearing on reality."

"but what if it does?"

"bones. it does not."

Meanwhile, across the street, a mysterious figure cackled softly.

"now to enact my plan," the mystery person said, before powering up a mysterious power and throwing it at the van.

The result was immediate, as the van vanished entirely in the blink of an eye.

"wow that was easy."

ep. # Of Bones and Horses

"Nightmare Night, what a fright, give us something sweet to bite!"

"Here you go," Twilight said, levitating candy into each of the foals' bags. As they ran off, cheering, she couldn't help but smile. Nightmare Night was always a fun time of year, after all.

"Not going out tonight?"

Twilight turned and smiled at the voice. "I wouldn't want to disrupt the celebrations too much by going there as a princess," she said, giving a small eye roll at the end.

Starlight chuckled. "Suit yourself, then. Oh, and nice costume."

Twilight had made herself look like a giant, walking book, with her face sticking out of the cover. "I could say the same to you."

Starlight beamed with pride over her "costume", which was really just her making everything but her skeleton invisible. "Thank you."

"If you ask me, it's just creepy," Spike chimed in, eating from a bowl of gems. He was also dressed up, but no one really cares what his costume is.

"Well, the whole point of the holiday is to be scary, right?" Starlight said.

"Well, technically-"

Twilight's in-depth and no-doubt interesting lecture was cut off as there was the sound of something magical suddenly occurring outside, and they all turned just in time to see a van drop onto the ground. However, nopony was hurt, thankfully, as this was a PG-rated event.

Shortly after the van landed, and before anyone could question it, a door on the side opened, and two bipedal beings exited. One had a constant appearance of being dead to the world for the most part, and the other was a skeleton in a suit.

"Yeah, no, I'm not sticking around for this," Spike said, taking his bowl of gems and walking further into the castle.

Meanwhile, the two beings were busy holding a very important and deep conversation.

"therapist what did you do."

"why must you assume I did it?"

"because these things are always your fault. remember that time with the vampire?"

"you caused that."

Bones scratched the top of his skull. "oh yeah."

Suddenly, they noticed that they were not, in fact, alone. "therapist, I see horses everywhere."

"I do too." He looked around. "it seems we've been transported to some sort of... ville of ponies."

"that was terrible."

"shut up."

Confused, Twilight and Starlight walked forward. "H-hello?"

"therapist one of them is a book and is talking to us."

"I can see that."

"what do I do?"

Therapist just gave an unamused stare at Bones, before turning his stare towards Twilight. "yes, we seem to be lost, do you know-"

Suddenly, his eyes were drawn to Starlight.

"ma'am do you know there is a fake bones beside you."

"What do you mean fake?!" Starlight asked, offended despite the situation.

"you are not bones." Therapist leaned down and placed his example tiny-bones next to her. "see?"

"wait therapist," Bones interjected, "what if... she IS bones?"

"bones that makes no sense, you are bones."

"but everyone here is a horse. so wouldn't it make sense for the bones here to also be a horse?"

Therapist paused. "my god."

"Oh, I'm, uh, not actually a skeleton." Starlight lit up her horn, and dispelled the spell, revealing her full, fleshy, furry glory.

Bones walked up to her. "good idea, hiding in plain sight with that skin disguise. I approve."

"...you don't understand, I'm not-"

At that moment, lightning struck the ground behind her, making her yelp and fall over in fear. Up above, a laughing Rainbow Dash dressed in her Wonderbolt jumpsuit ~~because she's very uncreative~~ was watching.

"Rainbow Dash!" Twilight scolded. "Now is not the time!"

"B- But the look on her- hahaha!" Dash once again started laughing, the cloud she was hovering on lowering to the ground.

Therapist, meanwhile, was now rolling up one of his sleeves.

Bones saw this, but did nothing to stop it. "oh cool."

And then faster than a verbing noun, Therapist was on her, punching as fast as the framerate would allow.

Twilight was horrified at this turn of events. "Wait! Stop!"

Therapist did so, leaving a pummeled Rainbow Dash on the ground.

"She's my friend!" Twilight continued yelling. "You- You just punched my friend!"

Therapist just looked at her.

"shit."

Later, in the castle

Twilight, Starlight, Bones, and Therapist were all sitting at a table, discussing what exactly happened.

"and that's when therapist came in and shot everyone."

"bones you know that's a lie." Therapist glared harder at the skeleton. "I only shot the hoovers."

Twilight, to her credit, was taking this madness fairly well. Starlight, however, was not, as she had started drinking at some point.

"but the question remains," Bones continued, "how did we get here? and why?"

"truly, these are the mysteries," Therapist said.

Everyone shared a hearty laugh over the witty title drop.

"but seriously we need to know," Therapist added.

"do you have any answers for us, horse bones?" Bones asked Starlight.

"'m not a skeleton," Starlight slurred.

"right, forgot about your secret identiy," Bones said. "do not worry, for even if you cannot help, I have planned for this."

"bones this is something that literally has never happened."

Bones ignored Therapist. "to the van!"

Twilight was struggling to write down notes in time for the conversation, and as such was hit by the transition she failed to notice in time. "Wait, what are-"

"Ow..." Twilight nursed her minor head injury.

"here we are," Bones said, pulling a device out of the back of the van. "we'll find all the answers we seek with this."

Therapist was not amused. "bones that's a toaster."

"you might think so, but watch what happens when I press this button."

Bones pressed the button, and nothing happened. "how dastardly. it appears the culprit has sabotaged our equipment!"

Therapist just stared.

Twilight took the opportunity to interject. "Perhaps I could help?"

"sure that's cool," Bones said. "now get in this van with a pair of strangers."

one van ride later

"here we are," Bones said. "the lair of the culprit."

"how do you know that?" Therapist asked.

"let's just say I could... feel it in my bones"

"Boo," the still-drunk Starlight said, hanging onto Twilight's side.

"thank you, horse bones- I mean just horse, wink."

"bones you can't just say 'wink'."

"Wait, why are we in Canterlot?" Twilight asked.

"it makes sense," Therapist said. "surely, the villain would remain close to the capital."

The four of them ventured into the castle. The guards grew alarmed at the sudden appearance of a skeleton and a therapist, but were placated by Twilight assuring them that everything was fine and under control.

Soon, they arrived at their destination. "alright, I'm pretty sure they're in here," Bones said.

"But... this is the throne room!" Twilight said.

"how crafty, they appear to be hiding behind the seat of power." Bones said, a hand on his jaw in thought. "unless... they are the seat of power!"

"...what-"

Heedless of Twilight's objections, Bones broke down the door and Therapist was right behind him, as the latter started using his expert marksmanship skills to shoot everything that moved within the room.

However, the only living thing in the room was currently Princess Celestia, who was projecting a golden shield in front of her, absorbing every one of Therapist's shots, as she smiled softly all the while.

Soon, Therapist's gun clicked dry, and Celestia dropped the shield. Twilight could only gape at the events, a now-comatose Starlight hanging off of her.

"I knew you two would come here," Celestia said. "Also you were very loud outside the door."

"confound you, normal sized queen horse," Bones shouted. "why did you do it?"

"Do what?"

"you know exactly what I'm talking about!" Bones turned to Therapist. "therapist what am I talking about."

"you transported us from our world to this one," Therapist challenged.

Twilight took this time to barge in front of the two, and hastily bow before the larger alicorn. "Princess, I am so, so, so sorry about this, these... creatures just barged in before I could stop them, and then they attacked you and accused you of this, and-"

"Do not worry, Twilight," Celestia interrupted, her soft voice working to soothe the panic in Twilight. "I am aware, and they are not wrong."

And then the panic was back again. "What?!"

"nailed it," Bones said.

"For you see, Twilight, this is not my true form..."

Celestia's horn lit up, and when it faded, a familiar figure was on the throne.

Therapist narrowed his glare. "you."

"yep, it's me," the red-shirted, shrugging man said. "I learned magic and planned the whole thing."

Twilight joined Starlight in the land of the unconscious.

"well, glad that mystery's solved," Bones said.

the end

next time on TatM

"hey therapist how do we get back home."

Therapist just looked ahead.

"shit."

Author's Note

Happy Halloween, everyone.

Don't take this too seriously, since this is just something stupid I wanted to throw together in time for the holiday.
Do you like, my fic?