I sit atop the Planck-thin divide between this world and that world and those worlds and that world too. I lay nestled in the (0,0,0,0,...) coordinates, the Origin Point, the center of Everything. Infinitely finite, endless in sight, I gaze out towards the multiverse in search of amusement, to wile away the boredom of eternity. This is what I saw and what I had to say about it.
I begin my voyeurism at a bar. Here, the six mares to be concerned with have convened for an evening. They had to settle for a table right smack in the middle of the Manehatten pub, as every booth was filled and six consecutive seats weren’t available at the counter. The privilege of privacy or the close convenience to the conductor of concoctions was denied to them, but this fair sextet of the female sex made the best of it.
A waiter came around to see if he couldn’t make things even better. He counted off six mares, two earth ponies, two pegasi and one unicorns, and failed to notice the incongruity. He gave them a tip-winning smile. “How can I help you, ladies?”
“Fer sure, partner, I’ll be having-”
“Cider, apple cider.” Rainbow Dash smacked Applejack on the shoulder, causing her to glower. “This girl will be having apple cider, right, Applejack?”
The waiter tapped his notebook. “If that has to do with her name, wouldn’t it be applejack? I think we got some.”
Applejack took a deep breath, steeling herself. “No, that’ll be alright. I’ll be havin’-”
“Applejack?”
“Oh, for rut’s sake, Rainbow.”
“Are you named after an alcohol. Like, for realsies?”
“I will be havin’ wine! Red. Grapevine’s, none of that Orchard stuff. ‘65 if you got it, ‘69 if you don’t. Those’re good years.” Applejack looked across the table. “That sound good to you, Rarity?”
Rarity rippled at the sound of her name, eyes widening. “What, dear? I mean, yes, of course, that sounds delightful.” She covered up the shock in a half-lidded smile. “I had no idea you were so well-versed in winery. Did you learn all that just to impress me?”
“Grapevine family’s close to the Apple clan. They’ve never steered any of us wrong when it comes to wine.”
“And the Orchards?”
“We don’t talk about ‘em.”
“I wanna White Reindeer!” Pinkie Pie squealed down the table.
Rainbow looked back at her. “Yeah, that actually sounds good. I want one too.”
The last two ponies realized that attention had now shifted to them. Fluttershy did what she did and shrunk back from this attention. Twilight looked up from her text because of course she brought a book to a bar in Manehatten. It was about alcohol. She had come prepared. She rather seemed more surprised than in a state of fearful anticipation.
“Oh, me? Um, how about a snozzberry maregarita?” Twilight looked to her shyest friend, leaning to the side. There were whispers. “Fluttershy? Do you want anything? Do you want to go?” “No, that’s alright.” “Are you sure?” “Yes. I don’t want to ruin anypony else’s night.” “Okay then. Do you want anything?” “I’ll- I’ll just have what you’re having.” “Of-” “If that’s alright with you.” “Of course.” Twilight repeated her order aloud to the waiter.
At this point, I think, I should more clearly illustrate where everypony was sitting. Closest to the bar was Applejack to the left and Rarity to the right. Next to Applejack was Rainbow Dash and next to her was Pinkie Pie. Across from Pinkie was Twilight Sparkle and, lastly, nestled safely between Rarity and her was Fluttershy.
The waiter wrote everything down and took his leave with a nod. Rainbow watched him go before turning back to the group. “So, like I was saying, Nightmare Night was a bust.”
“Well, seein’ here as you started a riot, I'm-a have to agree,” said who do you think talks like that.
“So, next year, I'm just gonna dress up and leave it at that,” Rainbow Dash said. “Hey, Twi, can I borrow your Mare-Do-Well costume?
“My- what? Why?”
“Cause you’re my size. You were my size. I mean, I’ll have to have Rarity add the wings, but I guess it’s a good thing you didn’t have ‘em them or the whole thing wouldn’t fit.”
“I thought you hated Mare-Do-Well!”
“Uh, no. I friggin’ love Mare-Do-Well. Why would you think I hated her?”
“Because we humiliated you in front of the entire town!”
Fluttershy squeaked at that, the memories of the incident in question coming back to her. “Oh my gosh, did we? But-”
Pinkie Pie perked up at the thought as well. “Is that what we did?”
Rarity looked to them and raised up a hoof, shaking it without assurance. “Eh.”
Applejack grit her teeth, lowering the brim of her hat over her eyes. Rainbow Dash looked between the lot of them, darting her eyes and frowning.
“Wha- yeah, a little. Wait, if you thought it was so bad, Twi’, why’d you do it?”
“I really only thought about it afterwards,” Twilight said, ears splayed back. “I was so caught up in the moment, but when I played it back it seemed so mean spirited.”
“Same here,” Applejack added. “We made up a whole big lie just ta mess with ya when, maybe, we shoulda just come to you and been upfront about it.”
Rainbow Dash looked between the two. “Wha, seriously? Has this been eating the two of you up since then?”
“Well, apparently a lot more than it should’ve. What about you? What’d you think of the whole thing?”
“I thought it was awesome! I mean, you guys pranked me good! I really didn’t think you had it in all of you, to be honest. Except maybe Pinkie Pie. It was all her idea, right?”
Pinkie grinned sheepishly. “Not exactly.”
~
Some time ago…
“You guys wanna show Dash how to be a real hero but keep it from her?” Spike throw up his claws in naked excitement. “You should be a superhero!”
~
Rainbow laid her face on one hoof, looking contemplatively at the table. “Huh.” She shrugged then, looking at her friends. “I guess that makes sense.”
“But, yeah, I figured off from the beginning this was right up Dashie’s alley,” Pinkie said. “Right, Flutts?” Fluttershy actually smiled, feeling a bit of the pressure off, and nodded.
Rarity rubbed her hooves together uncomfortably. “I’m afraid I never thought about it at all, then or until now. I feel rather like a boor for never considering the consequences. I just wanted to design those wonderful costumes. So, Rainbow Dash, when can I see you for fitting?”
“Wait.” Twilight raised a hoof. “Next question. Why don’t you use Fluttershy’s?”
Rainbow Dash snorted, shaking her head. “Twilight, have you seen Fluttershy’s butt?”
First, there was a squeak. Then, a squeal as every other pony at the table leaned every which way to get look at that pegasus posterior. While Pinkie Pie laughed at such limitations, Applejack was in entirely the wrong position to really get a good look without being too blatant about it, and there was a look of disappointment to accompany that.
“Please stop looking at my butt.”
Twilight hastily snapped back to the table, shock and guilt on her face. Pinkie Pie climbed out from under the table at a slow rise. Rarity was the last to look away, appraising that butterfly butt for a moment longer with a measuring eye before looking away as if done critiquing a piece of artwork. Rainbow Dash just looked smug and satisfied.
“See what I mean?” she said.
Twilight nodded. “You’re correct. Anything fitted for her form wouldn’t fit well on you.”
“Fluttershy’s butt is amazing!” Pinkie Pie added.
“Are you kidding?” Rainbow said with a raised brow and pshaw motion with her hoof. “Her whole body is amazing.”
Applejack tipped her hat up, smirking with a bit of a vermillion tint on her cheeks. “I’d say it’s a bit more than just her body.”
“That’s right!” Twilight said. She turned to Fluttershy, conveniently ignoring how deeply the pegasus was cringing right now. “You strongly fit the definition of a classical beauty.”
“Oh, darling.” Who do you think? “Classical beauty doesn’t even begin to cover it. Fluttershy spends hours and days wading through animal, mm, byproduct and comes out of it looking like a fairytale princess.”
Rarity then looked to her left and spotted the quivering mass of yellow, pink and feathers. Everypony else followed suit and tension climbed up their backs. She leaned in, wrapped a foreleg around the pony and felt the shaking subside, just a little. “Fluttershy, dearest, are you quite alright?” “Yes. Rarity.” “We didn't go too far, did we?” “No, I'm really flattered.” “I'm glad, You're truly deserving of it.” “Am I really that pretty?” “You're really that beautiful.” “Do you really think that?” “I'm afraid that it's a fact.”
Rarity looked up, nodding to the rest of their friends. Fluttershy raised herself up from her curl, mirroring the motion. The rest of them relaxed at the sight, tension leavi-
“Drinks’re here!” Pinkie Pie jumped and yelped, and everypony else jumped and yelped with her.
The waiter stopped at their table, looking fairly unsure. “Is this a bad time, ladies?”
“Not at all, good stallion,” Rarity said, gesturing to the table. “Please, serve us.”
He nodded his head, turning his to his side and leaning his body. A tray full of drinks slid onto the table, plus a bottle and a pair of empty glasses. Not a single drop was spilled then. The mares began to reach out when the stallion gestured for them to stop. He turned away from the table, reared up his back legs and bucked at an angle from below.
Every drink flew up in the air with a crack, arching across the empty space, liquid trailing behind. They came down with delicate tinkles, upside-right and their contents landed right inside, snozzberry garnishes impaling themselves on the side of maregarita glasses. Six mares stared at their drinks with wide eyed astonishment. One very smug waiter, his tray returned to his back, saluted the sextet.
“Enjoy.” And he was off.
“Huh,” Pinkie said, breaking the brief spell. The rest of them shrugged and dug in.
Applejack popped the wine bottle open, leaning across the table to pour Rarity a share. Rarity leaned in herself as something caught her attention, sniffing. “Applejack, have you been drinking already?”
“Huh?” Applejack looked up. “Uh, yeah, actually. Didn’t know we was going to a bar tonight, so while I was out and about on my own, I went and visited the Oranges, tried some of their triple sec.” She looked around the table. “That’s orange liqueur.”
“That’s fair.” Rarity said. “Just try and pace yourself, okay?”
Applejack snorted with a grin. Then, Rainbow nudged and she wasn’t grinning so much.
“Gosh, Applejack, first grapes, now oranges? What would Granny Smith think, you sneaking around with all these other fruits?” Pinkie Pie giggle-snorted at Rainbow’s little jab.
Applejack just turned her nose up, with Rarity watching appreciatively. “Actually, I went ‘n’ bought some for her for Mother’s Day. She’d appreciate it. Maybe I should get some o’ Grapevine’s stuff too.”
“Oh hey, yeah,” Pinkie said, her smile dropping for a brief, brief, moment. It was back quickly. “Mother’s Day is tomorrow!” She looked about the table. “What’re you all getting your moms?”
Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Oh, gosh, I can’t imagine what Scootaloo has to do with, like, four moms.”
Twilight looked up, squinting. “Oh yeah, she’s the child of a herd, isn’t she?”
Applejack snorted. “‘Bout the only one of those in town. Mighty strange, I think, but folk’s’ll be folks, I guess.”
Twilight nodded. “They used to be more common in times of antiquity, yes. At least Scootaloo should have siblings to share the load, right?”
Rainbow shook her head. “Nope. Scoot’s an only child.”
“In a herd?”
“Yeah. Four mares and two stallions, and that little filly’s the only one they ever popped out.”
“Strange.”
“Used ta be more of them in that family,” Applejack said, conversationally. “Not foals, adults. Two more of ‘em, Scootaloo’s real parents. They died when she was real small.” Her eyes narrowed a bit at what that brought up, and lightened when a snow white hoof touched her own. She outright grinned when she felt the lightest touch of feathers to her left.
Twilight’s ears peeled back. “Oh my, I had no idea.” She looked up, thoughtful. “I suppose it’s a good thing she’s the child of a herd, or she might have been left an orphan.”
“Would she still technically be an orphan?” Pinkie asked, frowning. “Sorry, was that too dark?”
“A little bit, Pinkie, dear,” Rarity said, giving her a flat look.
“But four moms?” Twilight looked aside. “I can’t imagine anyone else in town knowing what that must feel like for her.”
Ponyville, about the same time but also an hour and a half earlier because timezones...
Spike looked over the three Mother’s Day cards he picked one more time. He fingered through them, as if he wasn't sure still but his back was turned to the rack.
“Spike!” Almost pronounced like ‘Spock’.
He didn't even look up. “That’s me.” Then he did, glancing to the side. “Hey Applebloom .”
The filly stretched her neck a little to look over his shoulders. “Ya gettin’ a Mother’s Day card too?”
Spike looked back at the cards, brows furrowed as he shuffled through them. “Yep.”
“Great! I’m lookin’ for one for Granny, m’self.”
“Mmhm.”
Applebloom nodded, turning back to the rack, looking for an apple themed card. As the other ponies of the Ponyville will tell you, it’s alcohol, apples or abnegation in that family. It’s a mean joke that perpetuates a nasty stereotype but everypony says is just funnin’.
Really, though, Apples sure do love apples.
“Say, Spike.” Applebloom said, still looking down the aisle. “Who is your mom?”
When he didn’t answer immediately, she got worried and turned to face him, his back still to her. Feeling a little bit of tension at this silence, she was readying an apology when he spoke up. “I really don’t have one, I guess.”
Applebloom still wavered on that apology, wondering if she had done wrong on that question. Spike kept flipping through the cards for a bit before continuing. “Twilight, she hatched me from my egg, right? So that should make her my mom, but she was younger than I am now, so she’s more of a sister.” And he kept going, picking up some speed. “Twilight Velvet is Twilight’s mom, so she’s kinda like my mom too if Twilight’s my sister. She helped raise me a little, and I really like her and maybe she thinks of me as a son but… I didn’t spend as much time with her growing up as maybe I should have if I wanted to be part of the family. Princess Celestia did most of the work raising me when I was really young, but- but she’s Princess Celestia! She’s everyone’s mom. How can she be my mom? But she helped raised me. So did Twilight and Twilight’s mom. So who’s my mom?”
Spike turned and looked when a hoof went on his shoulder. Applebloom looked at him sympathetically. “You sound like you been waitin’ to get that off your chest for a while now.”
Spike smiled. Out of habit, he only pulled back the side of his cheeks doing so, just showing relatively flat molars meant for crushing gemstone in the back. If you looked closely, you might see all the tiny spikes set among the top to catch facets and rend them down to dust. “Yeah, a little bit. Thanks for listening.”
Applebloom returned the grin. “No problem, Spike!” She looked thoughtfully back at the rack of cards. “Think I should get Applejack something?”
“Like what?”
“Somethin’ with oranges.”
“You sure about that?”
“She’d appreciate the humor.”
Twilight leaned a good half of her body over the table, stretching that half out with her sprawling front legs and widening it further with that goofy grin on her face. “You know what, girls? We should do what Scootaloo’s parents did and we should all be a couple.”
Pinkie Pie prodded her. “Go home, Twilight, you're drunk.”
“I love you, girls.”
“And we love you, sugarcube. How about I order you up some water and you lay your head down for a spell?” Applejack frowned then when she heard a sniffle.
Water was collecting in the bottom of Twilight’s eyes that were there just a split second before. “You girls are too good to me. I don’t deserve you.” Her lower lips were wobbling something fierce.
“Wha’- Twi, what’re you sayin’?”
Twilight reared up, shouting. “I’m a terrible friend!”
“You, uh, you wanna elaborate on that one, oh Princess Of Friendship?”
“Yeah, I only got these wings and- and- other assorted organs-”
Pinkie Pie tapped her chest. “Represent!”
“-because I turned all your destinies upside-down when I messed with a spell just cause it was there!”
“And you got made into a princess about it!”
“Yeah, great, make the filly who can’t resist a red lever a princess! Or brainwashes a whole town-”
“Wasn't that Starlight Glimmer?” Rainbow asked.
“-because she can't get a letter to her teacher!”
“Nah, okay, that was you.”
“Rainbow Dash!” Applejack hissed.
Twilight continued. “And helped with a prank to tear down Rainbow Dash’s reputation instead of talking things out with her!”
“Woah, woah, I thought I told you guys I was cool with that.” Rainbow paused thoughtfully. “I mean, maybe I was freaking out a little.”
Sometime ago, when cheers for mysterious masked mare rang in Ponyville’s distance. A lone pegasus lay shivering on top of a cloud.
Nobody loves me. They’ve all forgotten about me. Even the little squirt. I used to be the best. What’s the point if I’m not the best? I’ve got weird hair, a croaky voice and I’m just a loud, awkward jock. I hurt the ponies I love because I got my head up my plot! Why would anyone like me if I’m not the best!?
“But just a little though,” She said, very quickly. Rainbow looked to Twilight to assure her, but Twilight was already going on her own beat.
“And everyone knows why Princess Celestia made me into a princess, and it wasn’t for my diplomatic skills, I think the yaks can attest to that!”
“Aw, Twilight, that worked out just fine though,” Pinkie said, waving a dismissive hoof.
“Yeah, thanks to you!” She paused, and peered at Pinkie curiously. “And methods I’m not entirely sure of at this moment, either.” Back to panic. “But the Princess just gave me these wings to make me an even better STD!”
“A- what?”
“A Sorceress Of Terrible Destruction!”
“Oh, okay.”
“I mean, you should hear what the caribou have to say about me.”
Applejack’s eyes flickered. “The reindeer?”
“You’re not supposed to call them- yes, the reindeer.” She agreed dismissively before back on track to Panic Town. “They think I’m some kinda- MMF!”
She was cut off, engulfed in soft, warm, yellow butter- buttery yellow. Wings wrapped around her, her face pressed against soft fur, hooves stroked down her hair, hushes filled her ears. Mother was there. She felt that, an overwhelming feeling of warmth and nurturing. It was a feeling of being loved. A part of her, a part that came part and parcel with the wings on her back, knew that this was magic. Not malicious or manipulative, but matronly, through and through, coming from a well of genuine kindness. It was an outpouring of the soul.
Mother was here, and it was going to be alright.
“Tsh tsh-tsh-tsh! Tshhh...” Fluttershy hushed, rocking Twilight against until her struggling ceased.
Pinkie and Rarity leaned to the side and back respectively, looking to one side of Twilight and Fluttershy. They found what they sought, a small pyramid of tequila glasses.
“Hot diggity daughter of a diamond dog!” Pinkie exclaimed. “How much did they drink?”
Rarity leaned back toward the table with an exaggerated sigh. “Haaa! Let’s talk about something else, shall we? Anypony?”
Rainbow Dash provided. “I don’t think I’d bang any of you guys.”
“Fff- I suppose I asked for that.”
“Aw, I’m hurt, Dash,” Applejack drawled. “I thought you loved us.”
“Don’t get me wrong, you guys are great,” She insisted, gesturing with her drink. “Best friends a filly could have! I put up with your horse apples and you put up with mine, it’s great.”
“Mutual tolerance of being a borish mule, not how I’d characterize best of friends,” Rarity said.
“It’s just that me not wanting to get all romantic with your butts-”
“Also not how I’d think about that,” Applejack said.
“-is precisely why I like you guys so much.”
Between Applejack and Rarity, they shared a look and then a look at their glasses. The unspoken question passed between them, Did we have enough to drink for this?
“Alright, sugar, how about you explain that?” Applejack, apparently the answer is yes.
Rainbow gave her a skeptical look. “What’s there to explain?”
“What you mean by being friends with us because we’re unattractive, darling.”
Applejack snorted. “Heh!” She jabbed a hoof toward Rarity. “Almost sounds like something you’d expect a really mean version of you to say.”
Rainbow looked between them, a look of panic growing on her face. “Woah, woah! That’s not what I meant by that at all!” She added frantic hoof waving to emphasize.
“I know, Rainbow,” Rarity said before taking another dainty sip of her wine. As it went down, she smacked her lips before levelling a half-lidded look at Rainbow. “I’m quite used to you not parsing your words very well. I tolerate it, put up with your ‘horse apples’, you might say.”
“Look, all I’m saying is is that none of you are my type.” Rainbow added placating gestures.
Rarity hummed in understanding. “That makes sense. So what is your type, dear?”
“Yeah, what do they have that we don’t?” Applejack added with a tone of mock jealousy.
“A penis.”
Rarity choked on her daintily sipped wine.
“Land’s sakes, Rainbow!” What was Applejack feeling? She looked a bit appalled but also amused, caught between cringing and chuckling.
In the meanwhile, the waiter returned to their table, stopping short as he got a look at the scene. Closest to him, the purple pegasus hugged it out with the yellow one, the later whispering something sweet in the former’s ears. Down further, a white unicorn choked on her drink and her friends laughed, so she must be alright.
“Um.”
The quiet pink mare looked up to regard him with half-lidded eyes. She gestured to the pegasus rocking the purple earth pony and said, “We’re cutting them off.”
“Oh, okay.”
“Not me, though. ‘Nother White Reindeer, please!”
Rarity finally cleared her throat. “Huack!” No, hold on give her a second. “Ghk! Ghk!” Okay, I think she’s done. “Bleh! Mmm, alright.”
Rainbow Dash leaned over with a smirk on her face. “Penis.”
“Yes, very good, Rainbow Dash.”
“Heh. So yeah, how about you girls? What gets your clouds soaked?”
Applejack was just stuck repeating “Land’s sakes” under her breath while Rarity massaged around base of her horn. “Ugh. A better question, Rainbow. Why go through all the trouble of avoiding the firmer sex when it, uh-”
“Tenders your loins?”
“Oh, land’s sakes, Applejack!”
Rainbow and Applejack hoof clapped under the table, not that it escaped Rarity’s notice, glowering at the two of them across the table.
“My question still stands,” She said, with a bit of a growl in her tone.
Rainbow gestured with her drink. “And what do you want me to do, go gaga over every pretty boy that shows up in the rags? Ooo, Blueblood, you’re so beee-yootiful! And Trendy Hoof, why you so well-dressed and love Applejack?”
Rarity leaned to one side, looking over Rainbow Dash shoulder and hummed thoughtfully. Rainbow straightened at the sight of that expression, starting to turn her head to what Rarity was looking at. “What?”
“Nothing, dear. I just didn’t expect to see Soarin’ in a place like this.”
Rainbow Dash’s head nearly snapped fast enough to dislocate her spine, or at least that’s the hyperbole I’m sticking with. “Where!?”
Rarity smiled, a smirk that stretched out into just another, wider, smarmier smirk. Applejack just laughed, covering her nose with one hoof and pointing with the other.
Rainbow’s ears dropped and she turned toward Rarity with narrow, glaring eyes. “Well played.”
“So, you and Soarin’, mm?”
“I’d have done that for Spitfire.”
Rarity conceded that with a nod. “So, you wouldn’t be interested in him?”
“Yeah, I guess,” Rainbow said, shrugging.
“Hey, if them furtight uniform they wear is anything to go by, he’s got the right equipment,” Applejack added.
“But if we got so busy getting smoochy with each other, how’d we have time for flying?”
“And other stallions?” Rarity asked. “Outside the Wonderbolts.”
“Then it’d just be me who wouldn’t have time for high flying and cool stunts! I’d be too busy thinking about smooches and making spaghetti.”
Applejack’s eyes narrowed. “Making spa- what?”
“I can’t stop flying for that.”
“So you feel romance will slow you down,” Rarity surmised. She inclined her head, forward and to the side. “I suppose that makes sense for you.”
Rainbow Dash jabbed a hoof at her. “Your turn! Let’s hear about your vagina! Oh, don’t choke, Rarity, you should’ve really seen that coming.”
“Mm-mmph! Yes, perhaps I should. Pinkie Pie, darling, what about you? You’ve been unusually silent.”
“Mm?” She blinked, turning away from the hugging pair of ponies. “Oh, yeah, sorry. I’m a quiet drunk.”
“Quite. We were just discussing what-” Rarity turned a sharp eye on Rainbow Dash and Applejack. “-nothing from the peanut gallery-” And leveled at Pinkie Pie. “-what it is each of us might find attractive in another pony, both romantically and sexually.”
“Oh well, mostly just you guys.”
There was a pause. The farmer, the fashionista and the fast one took a look at each other and back to the pink girl. All three of them wore identical expression of shock to contrast with the pink one’s half-lidded expression of utter calm. The other two were still hugging it out.
“You wanna elaborate on that one, sugarcube?” Applejack asked.
“Sure!” She grinned and briefly her normal self shone through her stoic stupor. “So, I really love you guys, but sometimes I’m actually in love with one of you. Unless that’s too strong a word, in which case, it’s just a crush.” She set her face down on her hooves, rolling her eyes in thought. “Of course, it can be on other ponies or maybe even not ponies, like that Gustoff guy who makes the pastries and I think he’d look great in a cape!”
“He would look rather nice,” Rarity said.
“Like last week I had a thing for Hugh Jelly, ‘cause he knows to get messy! I just wanted to get in one of this big jars of jam with him and mm-mm!” She licked her lips briefly, leaving it up to the imagination exactly what that was. Pinkie then cocked a brow, looking at them. “But, yeah, mostly it’s just you guys!”
Rarity leaned across the table. “Such as myself, darling?”
“Of course, Rarity! You’re so pretty! You work so hard on making yourself look good and it works very well. You’re always making things to make other ponies pretty too, and you don’t care if you ever get anything back. Wowie, I think I’m falling in love with you all over again!”
Still leaning against the table, Rarity’s eyes fluttered, daintily swirling a glass of wine in her hoof and a glint of ego flashing in her eyes. “Oh, please, dear, tell me more.”
“Okay, sure! You-”
“Hold on a tick,” Applejack said, interrupting with a raised hoof. “I wanna know something; how long do these spells of yours last, Pinkie?”
Pinkie shrugged. “Usually about a week. The shortest ones can be a couple of days, the longest ones are a month.”
Rainbow Dash leaned in front of Applejack’s vision, getting an annoyed huff out of her. “Okay, but that’s not the most important question here. Which one of us did you ever have the biggest crush on?”
“Land’s sake, Rainbow Dash!” Applejack growled. “It’s not a competition!”
“Well, if I had to say in terms of length, I’dsay you, Dashie,” Pinkie said with consideration.
Rainbow pumped her hoof. “Yussss!”
Rarity cocked a brow. “Rainbow, didn’t you just get done telling us how you didn’t like mares that way?”
“Yeah, but I love winning!”
“Of course you do,” Rarity said with an eye roll and a sip of her drink.
“How about you, Rarity, eh?” Rainbow leaned over the table, one wing spread to nudge her. “What gets your horn sparking?”
“Tribalism, is it?”
“I was just gonna say ‘horny’,” Applejack said to Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow nodded. “Yeah, but that might’ve gone right over her head.”
“Very well,” Rarity said, setting her wine down. “We shall discuss my inclinations.”
Applejack nudged Rainbow with a grin, returned in kind. “This oughta be good.”
“By this point in our friendship-”
“Did somepony say friendship?” Twilight looked up from Fluttershy’s chest. “Is there a friendship problem?”
“No, dear, everything is alright.”
“Is it my fault?”
“Just go back to snuggling Fluttershy.”
Twilight drunkenly contemplated this with bleary eyed looks before she decided that this was a great idea. She stuck her face back into Fluttershy’s chest fluff as the pegasus stroked her mane.
“As I was saying, by this point, I think you all know what my taste in stallions is.”
Rainbow smirked with a cocked brow. “What, wimpy and frou-frou?”
“Effeminate,” Rarity growled. She softened a touch. “I like my men to not be men. Though, by this point, I’m afraid my tastes in that direction have been met with disappointment one time too many.”
“Wait, was that Blueblood guy really girly?” Rainbow asked. “He was a bit pampered, yeah, but uh… He had this barrel chest thing going on, didn’t he?”
“Mannerism is as important to me as shape,” Rarity said with some force. Then she looked embarrassed. “Also, a bit of projection might have been going on there. I was so caught up in his celebrity visage, I’d make him into anything else to fit my fantasies. Honestly, part of me feels I should thank him. He taught me an important lesson in letting fillyhood fantasies get out of control.”
“Sure thing.” Applejack tipped her hat up. “But hold on, that Trenderhoof feller wasn’t that bad. A bit wrong headed, yeah, but he turned out alright in the end?”
“His own taste in mares left a lot of me to be desired.”
“Huh, I getcha.”
“So, what? You just done with dudes now?” Rainbow asked. “Givin’ it up on mushy feelings?”
“Hardly.” Rarity waved a dismissive hoof. “I still have the other half of my tastes, mares of a masculine manner.”
Applejack and Rainbow Dash perked up, furtive quick glances shared between them. “Uh…”
“A rough mare, full of vim and vigor and muscles.” Rarity’s eyes lowered to half-lidded, redness creeping up her cheeks, adding to the already tipsy glow she had. “Oh, and dirty, maybe a little vulgar, I can imagine. I like to think of some backwood country girl or city-bred athlete, she’d pin me down under her strong hooves, savagely rrrrrip off my bodice and let loose the animal within!”
As Rarity let loose a cackle that tried really hard to be a giggle, Rainbow Dash and Applejack’s looks between one another became a lot more blatant and alarmed.
“What’s a bodice?” Pinkie Pie asked the hard hitting questions.
Rainbow Dash and Applejack, they both looked back at her, and Applejack started awkwardly. “Uh, Rarity?”
Rainbow Dash had a lot less hesitancy. “You just totally described us!”
“Is there something you need’ta tell us?”
Rarity perked up herself, looking at them with some surprise. It settled back into a coy chuckle. “Ohhoho! Darlings, no! I’m afraid I only can get close to somepony in one way, so you’re out of the question. Our relationship is now so deeply platonic that any attraction I had for you -oh, and it was there, trust me- is now thoroughly and utterly dead.”
Applejack leaned forward, staring slack jawed at Rarity as Rainbow Dash leaned back, eyes narrowed and peering. Rainbow finally said, “Did we just get friendzoned?”
“I think we did.”
“I dunno how I feel about that.”
Applejack turned to peer at Rainbow Dash. “You just got done tellin’ us you don’t like mares like that.”
“Yeah, but I don’t like losing.”
“Land’s sakes, Rainbow.”
“Now,” Rarity interrupted them, setting her drink down with an audible clink. She looked directly across the table with a somewhat predatory look. “Applejack. I believe it’s your turn to share.”
“Oh, izzat right?” Applejack said with a grimace. She let it go, turning her snout up. “Alright, if you gotta know, I got more of a thing for other mares.”
“Oh, do tell, darling.”
“Well, when I find a pony to be with, she’s gonna be a special somepony, and not some one-off fling, ya know.” There was a pumpkin colored tint to her orange cheeks. “If she’s receptive like and takes to me like I take to her, there’s gonna be some mighty fine and proper romancin’ that’s gonna happen. I’ll take her on long walks through the orchard while the sun sets, take her to my favorite hill and watch the stars, confess my love to her under an apple tree bloomin’ in the spring.” Her eyes were closed now. “I’m a practical pony, I know it ain’t likely, but I really hope my first is also my last. I wanna ask her to marry me under that same apple tree and then I wanna make a honest mare out of her right there too. Make it a really special spot, ya know?”
Rarity leaned across the table, bubbles dancing in her eyes, enraptured by these visions of heartfelt courtship. She never knew there was a third pony in this group with the heart of a classical romantic, just like her. Oh, Applejack, she did know! What sincerity, what pathos, what absolutely sincere-
“That is so buckin’ sappy, Applejack.” Rainbow Dash’s honestly nasally voice cut through like the unwanted screeching of a hawk in the middle of a robin’s courtship song. Rarity glared daggers at her, imploring her to shut up with the sheer indignant rage or at least just kill her with a look. “I cannot believe- OW!”
Rainbow Dash clutched her shoulder with her other forehoof, already a deep purplish welt beginning to glow through the fur where Applejack had hit her. “You insensitive, tactless feather brain! I pour my heart out in front of you and you just gotta pour vinegar on it!?”
“Yeah, well, this is exactly the kinda horse apples like this that me wanna avoid stallions. I sure as Tart don’t wanna end up like you!”
Rarity blinked at that statement, a moment of cognition flitting behind her eyes. She leaned back, lips pursed and one hoof on her chin as she contemplated this revelation.
Applejack had none of that, just a whole lotta piss and vinegar to give right back “Are you sure it’s not that most stallions just wanna avoid yer nasty attitude?”
“Oh yeah- !?”
“Actually,” Rarity said. Her tone was clear but not loud, cutting through the argument with the finesse of a rapier. “That brings up a point, Rainbow Dash. Why don’t you find any gentleman callers?”
“I just told ya, I don’t wanna head straight down to Sap City, population You Two.”
“Oh, indeed, you’ve made your aversion to romance very clear, but I’m not talking about romance, Rainbow Dash. I’m talking about indulging in carnal delights.”
“Huh?”
“You are by absolutely no means an unattractive mare, I think I made that clear. Sleek and hard like tempered steel. Cocked and ready, full of energy, like a nocked arrow made of pure muscle.”
“Thunderin’ clouds, I am sexy.”
“Indeed. There has to be a dozen dozen stallions who wouldn’t mind having you tackle them into bed, if just for one night.”
Very slowly, Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened and she reeled even further back from the table. Had she done it any fast, it’d’ve been like Rarity just slapped her with her words. Instead, she had a light hot magenta glow crawling up her cheeks. “I can’t do that.”
“Oh, why?”
Applejack’s anger had died, beaten by the random and unexpected swings of confusion. She looked between the two of them with incomprehension, not knowing what the heck was Rarity playing at.
Rainbow Dash tried to rally herself. “I mean, have you seen me?” She put on a cocky smirk. “I’m too awesome for any guy to just settle with doin’ it with me once.” Her eyes fluttered open, shifting side to side, the smirk shrinking. “What if- what if he falls for me?” She frowns, looking at her drink. “What if I-” She shook her head rapidly. “Nope! NOPE!”
As Applejack realized what she was seeing, she threw her head back and laughed. “Rainbow Dash, ya big SAP!”
Rarity daintily hid her mouth and giggle as well. Rainbow Dash looked between them with grit teeth, even as her whole face was, at least, a shade of indigo or redder. “See? SEE!? It’s this horse apples exactly why I stay away from guys!”
“Me thinks the lady does protest too much,” Rarity said. “You have the heart of a romantic in you, you’re just afraid to let her out, Rainbow Dash.”
Applejack’s settled down to chuckling. “Yeah, yer so far in the closet about your romantic inclinations, it’s almost kinda sad, Rainbow Dash.”
Rainbow glared at her. “Oh yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t you, Applejack?”
Applejack’s laughter cut very suddenly. “Pardon?”
“Yeah, I know, it’s completely understandable. You wanna taste the Rainbow, everypony does, Applejack, and you wanna do it with the both of use covered in sap. Well, it ain’t happenin’, sister!”
Applejack tilted her head to the side. “Actually, if I were to be as tactless as to rate all my friends on how attractive I personally found ‘em, I’d have to put you right on the bottom.”
“What!?” Rainbow slammed her hoof on the table, glaring wildly at Applejack. “WHY!?”
“I’d remind you that you just got done tellin’ us you don’t like mares like that, but I already did and I already know your answer to that.”
Rarity raised her glass of wine. “Well, if Rainbow isn’t your cup of tea, what is, Applejack?”
Applejack sniffed. “Fine. I wanna woman who is soft. I want her to be kind and motherly. I’d mighty fine like it if she were beautiful.” Her eyes were closed now, imagining that perfect mare. “A natural, feminine, sorta beautiful, like some kinda fairytale princess comin’ out of them enchanted woods.”
“Hey, that sounds like Fluttershy.”
All eyes were Twilight, once again looking up from yellow pegasus chest fluff. Except for Twilight, who was looking away from Applejack to look up at Fluttershy. “Hey, Fluttershy, I think Applejack is talking about you.”
Fluttershy slowly turned to look across the table, her fur reddening to nearly the same shade of orange as the mare she was looking at. Twilight, meanwhile, looked away from the table to around the bar.
“Hey, I could use another drink. Hey, hey waiter! Can I have another drink?”
Pinkie Pie reached across the table to put her hoof over Twilight’s. “I’m cutting you off. I cut you off, Twilight. You had too much.”
“Aww, why?”
“Reasons.”
There was another table just to the right, as filled as the one with six mares. This one had six people around it, only three of them ponies. An earth pony mare with a flowing pink mane, a blue bow in her tail, a white coat and a cutie mark of a spinning circle of hearts. The other earth pony, a pink mare with a yellow mane flowing to the side, sunglasses on her face and on her flank. The last mare, a white pegasus with a poofy yellow mane, four pink balloons, one of them popping.
Besides the ponies were three sparsely furred simians, a species you might be familiar with. The female, next to the two earth ponies, was blonde with pigtails and an outfit made of straps and feathers. There was a male that had black hair, though his beard was blue, and a clown suit. The other male, in between the other and the pegasus, had shortly cropped red hair, stripped to the waist with a thickly muscled body.
The clown had been glancing behind himself, one ear on the conversation between the pony mares behind him. He turned to the female and spoke in Humanian, “”
The woman frowned, parsing the sentence. “”
The human male blinked. “”
“”
“Fascinating!” Said the redhead. He turned to his pegasus companion. “They must have a word for everything!”
“Oo! Oo! Ask them if they have a word for two-toed sloths!”
“<No.>” The clown said. He shook his head. “I mean, no, we don’t.”
“Awww…”
“Why do you have a word for that?” The blonde human asked. “And why do you think it applies to her?”
“I- uh, um.” The clown looked around and then very carefully dropped back into Humanian. “”
“”
The clown grimace. “”
The woman, she looked over his shoulder at the table behind him. “I suppose-” She turned back, frowning with uncertainty. “”
The clown raised his eyebrows. “”
“”
“” He inclined his head back toward the table and rainbow-maned pegasus. “”
“” She asked.
“Oh, uh… ”
“” She asked very slowly.
“Uh.” He took a drink from a bottle. “”
“”
The clown raised his hands defensively. “”
“”
“”
“”
That’s when the clown gave her a very knowing smile. “”
While the woman scowled in confusion at this, the pegasus looked to her own human companion. “Are you following this?”
The white earth pony rolled her eyes. “Now you know what it’s been like for us.”
“I half remember the language,” The redhead said. He got a look of seeing something far away. “I was barely toddling when I last heard humans.”
He perked slightly at the sensation of a hoof touching his side. He looked to the side of him at the pegasus next to him. She looked sadly up at him. He softened his expression and brought up a smile for her. He bent at the waist, grabbing her chin.
The clown raised both brows and the woman had stars in her eyes as they watched pony and human share a tender little kiss. The white earth pony covered her mouth to giggle. The pink mare was also staring, looking over her sunglasses, but more at the pegasus than anything. Peering in fact, rubbing her chin as if trying to remember something.
After a moment, the woman spoke. “So, is that why you wanted to meet us? To meet up with humans?”
The man raised his hands. “Oh, no, not me. I didn’t want to meet you, Surprise did.”
The pegasus hopped her front half up the table, jabbing her hoof at the clown. “More specifically, I wanted to meet you, Bluebeard The Clown!”
The clown noticed his eyebrows couldn’t arch any further, so he brought them down at last. “Oh, you’re a fan?”
The white earth pony mare tried to lean over the table to prod at the man but failed to reach that far. Enthusiastically, she still said, “Bluebeard, you got a fan!”
“You bet I am! You bet he does! I catch your shows whenever I can!” Surprise clapped her hooves eagerly together. “Can you give your scary smile?” She looked to her special somehuman. “Danny, watch his scary smile!”
Bluebeard paused at that request before leaning forward over the table. His eyes widened and his lips actually peeled back, revealing a set of long canines. Danny, he watched too, and marvelled at the transformation. He had to be careful, sometimes, how he looked at ponies, as the change from cute, cuddly hairless ape to actually-a-predator could be shocking to ponies, who were far more used to gryphons who were just always predators. What Bluebeard did, with flickering eyes that darted at movement, a slightly parted mouth that emphasized his impressive fangs, took it to a whole new level.
“Oo-oo-ooh!” Surprise stuttered with delight. “Wow!”
“Wow is right.” The white earth pony rocked between grinning and gaping. “It always startles me when you do that.”
“I don’t get it,” Danny said. He looked at Surprise with a shrug. “I mean, aren’t clowns supposed to be fun?”
Surprise reached up with her hoof and pressed on Danny’s nose, making his face scrunch up. “Being scared is fun, big guy.”
“If you say so.”
Bluebeard leaned back, closing his mouth into a neutral expression. A finger rubbed at his temple and he grabbed at his drink again. “It’s a lot more impressive with my face paint on. I dunno how Ms. Make-Up manages that though. Anyhow-” He stuck his fist out across the table for Surprise to bump. “You can call me Leroy.”
“I’m Surprise, but you already knew that.”
“Yeah, I guess it isn’t much of a surprise then, is it?” Leroy held his hands up, grinning and looking around the table. “Eh? Eh?”
When silence greeted the poor man, his hands and smile dropped. “I got it!” Surprise cheerfully said. Leroy managed a wane smile for her, acknowledging her attempt with a point.
“I’m Danny,” The man said, holding out his hand. Leroy did the same, only noticing at the meeting point that Danny had balled his into a fist to while Leroy was going for a handshake. Both of them tried to switch to match the other, their hands doing an awkward dance in the air. Eventually, both hands retreated from the field in embarrassment and Surprise giggled off to the side.
“I’m Molly and these are my sisters, Sundance and Shady.” The woman gestured to herself and her earth pony companions, the white and pink mare respectively.
“Hellooo!” Sundance practically sang. Shady just nodded.
“Me and Sundance are dancers at Trumpet & Trombone’s Travelling Circus. Shady does security and Leroy works there too. He’s been teaching me Humanian.”
“You don’t know it yourself?” Danny asked.
“I’ve been with ponies since I was a baby.”
“And you were ‘barely toddling’, right?” Shady finally spoke-up, looking at Danny. Oh wow, hey, yeah, she’s been pretty quiet this whole time. Just sitting there, sipping her drink, watching.
“Just started to learn to walk and talk,” Danny said, frowning. “Then I became an orphan.”
Molly nodded. “Same.”
Leroy nodded too. “Your parents must’ve been eaten by the Rainbow Bridge.”
Danny looked down at his drink. “That’s what they say.”
What followed there was an awkward pause that had everyone trying not to look at each other. Except for Shady, who kept staring at Surprise through her sunglasses.
She spoke up again, breaking the silence. “So, you’re a Wonderbolt.”
Sundance jumped on the table. “You’re a Wonderbolt!?”
“I’m a Wonderbolt?” Surprise pointed to herself. Looking down, she seemed to notice something. “I’m a Wonderbolt!”
“What’s a Wonderbolt?” Leroy asked.
“What’s a Wonderbolt!?” Sundance turned on Leroy. “They’re Equestria’s premier pegasus power performers!”
“Perfect,” Leroy said sardonically.
“Precisely!” Sundance agreed, missing the irony. “They’re famous fliers, high speed daredevils and top ranked entertainers!”
“Okay, I think I know who you’re talking about, but I thought they were called the Thunderbolts.”
“Close!” Surprise said. “They were the ancestral organization to the Wonderbolts, the honor guard to the Commander of the Pegasopolis Junta. Their parade cloud formations were used as the original basis for the first Wonderbolt aerial show before we even got our name. General Firefly decided on something a little less violent sounding.”
“Oh, the more you know, I guess.” Leroy thumbed toward Sundance. “So, you got a fan.”
“Please. I am connoisseur of the performance entertainment world,” Sundance said, turning her nose up and twirling her hoof. She looked back down, shamefaced. “I’m just ashamed I didn’t recognize an A-List celebrity, such as yourself.”
“I’m more B-List,” Surprise said, shrugging. “Soarin’ and Spitfire are A-List.” She squinted, rubbing her chin. “Fleetfoot’s an A-minus, I think.” She looked back at Sundance. “You shouldn’t feel too bad, though. I’m not in uniform and my mane isn’t all windswept. Most ponies wouldn’t recognize me!”
Molly nodded, pointing down the table. “Shady’s always picking up on things most ponies wouldn’t.”
“Well, today’s my day off, so I’m hoping not to get any crazy fans today.” Surprise gave the other two ponies a meaningful look as she sipped her drink.
Shady nodded. “That’s why I waited until the rainbow maned one and her friends were gone.”
Leroy looked behind himself. “Ah, so they are.”
“Fluttershy, yer so pretty. You should come home and buck my brother.”
“See, Applejack, this is what I meant by you pacing yourself,” Rarity said, bumping her shoulder against the cowgirl.
“Land and soil, I’m just kiddin’.” Applejack rolled her eyes. Eyeing Fluttershy to her other side, she said, “But serious, you and Big Mac, you’d make a cute couple. You both just sittin’ there, starin’ at each other, not sayin’ a word.”
The three of them walked shoulder-to-shoulder down the dark and sparsely populated Manehattan street toward their motel. While certainly not alone, the rest of their friends trailed behind them, their drunken haze made an isolating bubble that included only them.
“What about Pinkie Pie’s sister?” Rarity said. “Which one was it, Limestone?”
“Nah, the other one, Marble.” Applejack looked up, as if something just occurred to her. “Actually, do we ever wanna address that Pinkie’s a twin and she’s an earth pony Fluttershy?”
Rarity’s eyes narrowed. “Pinkie Pie’s a twin?”
“No foolin’.”
“And she’s like dearest Fluttershy?”
“Yeah, no kiddin’.”
“How did she survive eleven months in the womb with her?”
“No idea.”
“Well, no matter. I’m sure they can share. Certainly enough Big Macintosh to go around.”
“I couldn’t do that,” Said a quiet voice.
“Wassat that, Fluttershy?”
“I couldn’t be with your brother,” Fluttershy said. She looked up, at Applejack, with something like steel in her eyes and the flush of alcohol still in her cheeks. “And you can’t use him as a surrogate to be with me.”
Applejack reeled, as if stunned. Fluttershy, now, she kept on going. “Especially not after last time you tried to get us together.”
A little bit of the tension going on right there went over Rarity’s drunken head. “Oo!” Because she seemed excited. “Don’t tell me our sisters aren’t the only one who tried to play matchmaker for Ponyville’s most eligible bachelor?”
“Yeah.” Applejack rolled her eyes in thought, recovering in stumbling steps. “This was before Twilight showed up. Now, me and Big Mac, we both had a little bit of a thing for that really pretty pegasus livin’ it up by the wood like some kinda fairy tale princess.”
“You both have similar tastes.”
“Eeyup. So we both tried talkin’ to her- well, I tried talkin’ to her and Big Mac was there. It got pretty clear Fluttershy liked lookin’ at him more than me. I was a wee bit disappointed but I figured I’d be the bigger mare and help those two get together.”
“It didn’t go well?”
“No,” Fluttershy said.
“It did not,” Applejack agreed.
“But you.” Rarity looked at Fluttershy. “You have a preference for big and silent stallions?”
Fluttershy looked down and her mouth moved, whispering something.
“‘Among other things’?” Applejack repeated. She then flinched, realizing that, perhaps, she shouldn’t have passed that along.
Fluttershy looked at her, something halfway to anger building in her eyes, and then flickered over to Rarity. Her flush got even deeper than and she looked down quickly.
There, Rarity got the meaning of that look. “Oh…” She trotted around Applejack, getting to Fluttershy’s side. Pressing her nose to the other’s neck, she nuzzled her. “Oh, Fluttershy, dearest. I love you, I really do. I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to tell you but-”
“It’s okay, Rarity.”
“Oh, dearest, you know it’s not you, right? You heard me, you heard the other girls. We weren’t lying and Photo Finish certainly wasn’t. You’re the prettiest things, but yours is a beauty I want to admire from afar and make gorgeous masterpieces out of.” In fact, Rarity was already pretty draped all over Fluttershy, walking on just her hind legs. She was feeling her up in a way only her friends knew was entirely professional, trying to get some rough measurements.
Applejack looked up at the night sky and surmised it all very neatly. “Land’s sake, none of us ain’t have any luck tonight, are we?”
Rainbow had no idea who she was missing back at the bar. Any kind of unconscious intuition she might have was dead in the boozey water. She had one foreleg draped over her companion and had a similar leg draped in return, Twilight Sparkle and her using each other as balances as they walked. They talked as they trailed a few paces behind the trio.
“You- you know what, Sparkle? You're the best. You always tell me the right horse apples I need to hear. You’re so smart and I don’t ever listen to you when I should ‘cause I’m the worst. I’m the worst pony, I am.”
“Wah- nah- nah- what, no, Rainbow Dash! I don’t say smart things. I just say things so everypony else is dumb and then I can be smart and then I make you all learn whatever stupid friendship lesson I just thought of. I’m the worst.”
Rainbow Dash shook her head. “I’m the worst.”
“No, I’m the worst.”
“No, no, I’m the worst.”
Twilight was silent for awhile, contemplating Rainbow Dash’s stunning repartee. She had used ‘no’ twice. What did she possibly have to counter that? Well, after careful consideration, Twilight formulated her ironclad retort.
“Nah, I’m the worst.”
And trailing a few pace behind the duo was a lonely pink pony. She regarded her comrades with half-lidded eyes and a calm, implacable expression.
“Y’all are crazy.”
And that about wraps things up here...
Author's Note
Edited scene:
A waiter came around to see if he couldn’t make things even better. He counted off six mares, twothree earth ponies, twothree pegasi and onetwo unicorns, and failed to notice theabsolutely nothing definitely not an alicornincongruity. He gave them a tip-winning smile. “How can I help you, ladies?”
