Is the Cutie Map trying to get us laid?!

by Damocles23

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Spike, Comedy, Random, Sex
Length: 4087

The Cutie Map is pairing up ponies for a different purpose than solving Friendship problems...

When some of her friends develop a relationship after spending a few days out to solve a friendship problem, without finding any friendship problem in the first place, Twilight Sparkle start to think something is wrong with the Cutie Map. She's mostly right.
Warning: Story is very silly and we can only hope it never turns out to be canon.
Rated T for some sexual references.
Proofread by the awesome Nephox Venom.
EDIT: Featured in 18/10/2016! YAY! THANKS GUYS!

Published 2016-10-17 15:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-10-17 15:10:02 UTC

The Only Chapter, thank goodness.

Twilight Sparkle was perplexed to say the least. The Princess of Friendship had many certainties in life and just as much doubts because her first approach with everything was logic. She observed a phenomenon and gathered results from that: Beautiful in its simplicity. And yet, she couldn’t keep this model with the Cutie Map, one of the greatest magics she ever had the honour to witness.

What was the pattern? True, every friendship problem the map had presented them always called the right ponies for it but how did it know? And how did it work? Sometimes the Cutie Map presented a series of possible pairings like the map itself was calculating the problem’s location, its nature and the perfect problem solvers at the same time… until it showed Twilight’s own Cutie Mark… and her own Cutie Mark. What could’ve been just a hiccup that could happen even in a perfect system, that little thing troubled her to no end.

The intelligent Alicorn was studying every nook and cranny of the map, scrunching her lips as she walked to one end of the hall to the other, her hoofsteps echoing in the mostly empty castle.

“Whatcha doing, Twilight?” Said Spike from one of the upper levels of the castle while he tried to keep himself busy by dusting some furniture.

“Studying the map, Spike.” Said Twilight has she whipped out some measuring tape to check the distance between Griffonstone and Las Pegasus.

“Why is that?” Spike started to head downstairs to better follow the conversation.

“Remember that time when the Cutie Map showed my Cutie Mark and a copy of it next to each other?”

“Yeah. Pretty weird, huh?”

“I’ve been thinking on how the map works. Or even if it works at all.”

Spike blinked and craned his neck towards the map and started squinting his eyes in an effort to look knowledgeable about the subject. “Well, it always pointed us towards a Friendship Problem, hasn’t it?”

“Yes, but that little hiccup worried me. Why did it show two copies of my Cutie Mark? Was it because, I don’t know, I am going to face a Friendship Problem by myself?”

“But if I’m correct, it was just deciding on who to pick for the problem in Canterlot. Maybe it was, I dunno, showing some possible combinations. You talked me about statistics once. How many chances are of picking the exact same result between six individuals?”

“Pretty high chances, yes. But I have to be ready in the case it simply doesn’t work.” Twilight sighed and put away the measuring tape without finding any result. She just shrugged and, for once, let her worries cool down a bit. Maybe the solution would come up later after relaxing a little.

“Hey, it showed us some pairs before settling on Rainbow and Pinkie this time. I mean, first it showed Rainbow and Fluttershy. Then Rainbow and Applejack. Then Fluttershy and Applejack and then it settled for them.” Spike said as he sat comfortably on his seat and took out the newest Power Ponies issue. Twilight took a quick glance at the cover that showed the Mane-Iac triumphant over the ruins of a city. The title read: “The Mane-Iac WINS”

Spike skimmed to the end and chuckled. “Yeah. Of course it was just a dream.”

All of a sudden the Castle doors opened with a loud rumbling noise and Twilight heard the familiar sound of Pinkie Pie’s laughter following immediately after.

“And speaking of which!” Spike said as he ran through the doors to go and greet his friends.

“Oh, Rainbow Dash, you’re terrible!” Pinkie Pie giggled as Twilight found her sitting comfortably atop of Rainbow’ comfy rump. She craned her hindlegs forward and hugged the pegasus’ neck, cooing sweetly as she placed a flurry of kisses on her cheek.

“That’s how you like it, babe.” Rainbow chuckled uncontrollably as Pinkie’s kisses started to tickle. “Come on, Pinks. You’ll make Twilight blush.”

The pink pony noticed her princess friend in front of the two and waved at with a toothy grin as she kept herself placed on top of her soft blue seat. “Hi, Twilight!” After that, she returned immediately to nuzzle the blue pegasus.

Twilight awkwardly waved at her friend as she pursed her lips, trying to keep a nervous smile.”Hi, girls… have you… changed your manecut?”

“Nope.” Pinkie Pie said with her snout still buried in Rainbow’s multicolored mane. “Same as always, but thanks for noticing.”

“You know, I think Twilight is going to ask us why you’re being all over me.” Rainbow chuckled as she helped Pinkie Pie back on the ground and kissed her on the cheek as her hooves got back on the ground.

Twilight drew a sigh of relief. “Thank you, Rainbow. You made it less awkward than it should be.”

“Well, the thing is, something maaaaaaaaagical happened at Las Pegasus…” At the word ‘magical’ Pinkie Pie drew a long, long arc with her hoof in the air.

“A magical thing?” Twilight cocked an eyebrow, curious.

“No. A maaaaaaaaagical thing. We need the extra As because it happened and now ta-dah!” Pinkie Pie once again hugged Rainbow Dash and popped one hoof upwards. “We are a thing.”

“Well, congrats, girls.” Spike said as she hugged the two. “I’m also glad you got back home.”

“Oh, we’re glad to see you too, Spike.” Rainbow said as she gave an affectionate noogie over the young dragon’s spikey head.

“Yeah, that’s a beautiful thing, girls. I’m happy for you two. Sincerely.” Twilight had to admit that the rowdy Rainbow and the unstoppable Pinkie were absolutely cute together. A little bit of happiness in their life was always welcome. “But what about the friendship problem?”

“Y-yeaaah…” Rainbow Dash rubbed the back of her mane and looked down at the floor, looking somewhat ashamed. “There wasn’t one.”

Twilight blinked. “You’re joking, right?” The Princess of Friendship pointed at the Cutie Map, all of the terrible scenarios her brilliant mind had devised coming true. “How… why wasn’t there one?”

“It’s true, Twilight. We stayed there an entire week and not just for making out.” Pinkie Pie said. “The making out came at the end of the week.”

“Yeah, we spent the first day just walking around, hoping the problem would lead us to to itself.”

“It usually works. Remember that time with Rarity and I?” Pinkie Pie said. “We found it because we wanted to have lunch. Lunch! It was pretty quick!”

“And there was nothing at all? Not even a couple of lifelong friends squabbling over something petty? An old family grudge? Daughters that don’t understand their fathers or the other way around?”

“I swear, Twi. We looked up and down. We even went to the seediest parts of the town, figuring out there had to be a problem there. Nothing.”

“There were a couple of ponies in an alley having a very loud argument.” Pinkie said.

“Yeah. But the moment we got there, they already started making out.”

“And that’s how I got the idea to, you know…” Pinkie Pie giggled relaxed as she clung again on Rainbow Dash. The pegasus sighed and rolled her eyes as she was completely nonchalant to Pinkie Pie leaving lipstick marks all over her face.

“Hay, Pinkie Pie lost all the money we had in that dingy bar playing poker, but nada. No friendship problems in there.”

“But I got double the money right after that.”

“How did you do that, by the way?”

“I cheated, duh!”

“Oh, you’re terrible!” Rainbow gave an affectionate poke over Pinkie’s shoulder.

“They started it! I mean, who gets a Royal Flush basically always? But yeah, it’s like Dashie said. We stayed there day and night. My hoofsies hurt from all the walking.” Pinkie Pie raised a hoof and Twilight did notice it was a little bit sore. “Rainbow Dash flew around all day and woke up all tired when we got back searching. Of course, the last two days we did anything but sleep.” Pinkie wiggled her eyebrows, trying to look all seductive to her pegasus fillyfriend. She opened her saddlebag to take out a Rainbow colored lollipop that she started licking slowly, veeeery slowly never breaking eye contact with Rainbow Dash that looked all too pleased. Her tongue danced on the polychrmìomatic surface, indulging on the center with quick, sharp licks before diving in with wild abandon. Rainbow Dash started taking out the banana when Twilight just couldn’t bear it anymore.

“Girls!” Her voice cracked and the furious blush over her cheeks drew a smarmy giggle from Rainbow Dash but the Princess was adamant on the matter in question. “Are you absolutely sure about this? You basically went there for nothing?”

“Well, it wasn’t all for nothing.”

“True…” Twilight walked down to her seat to take some breath in and think about the situation at hoof. “While it’s wonderful that you two have developed these feelings for each other, I’m worried about the map.”

“What if there was going to be a problem and then the map… changed its mind about it? While Rainbow and Pinkie were already on their way.” Spike said, pointing at Las Pegasus on the Map. “Maybe it was just another hiccup, like the one with you and the other you.”

“There’s going to be another you? Where?” Pinkie looked around and even under the table in the search of the other Twilight.

“Yeah, I know exactly what that meant.” Rainbow whispered something in Pinkie’s ear that left the pink mare in a laughing fit.

“Oh, you’re a mean sexy pegasus! Tonight you are going to get some sexy Ponka time!”

“Wait, what makes it Ponka? And what does that even mean?”

“You would like to know, right?” She wiggled her eyebrows at her.

“Uhhh… maybe you are right, Spike.” Twilight said as she tried her best to not notice her two friends still making googly eyes at each other. “Maybe it was just a hiccup in the system that lasted long enough for Pinkie and Dash to actually get there before it fixed itself. It can happen.”

“Maybe we can say it was… a happy accident?” Pinkie said as she jumped back in Rainbow’s hindlegs and nuzzled her neck sweetly.

“Yes. We can say that.” Twilight said with a warm smile as she watched the new couple playfully chasing each other. “At least some good came out of it.”

***

Another week passed and the girls were gathered around the Cutie Map, humming with energy as the air was filled with tension. Twilight looked at it without blinking as every possible combination of their Cutie Marks buzzed around the map, highlighting every place in Equestria. Not everypony shared her enthusiasm about it, though. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie had moved their thrones next to each other and wouldn’t let go of each other’s hoof, never breaking eye contact as the other girls gasped in anticipation every time the map was going to point out their newest mission. Twilight let that slide, though. Her friends were happy and adorable and knew that if the mission required one of them they would take care of it with massive professionalism… after a hefty session of smooching.

Finally, the map settled on a destination and Applejack and Rarity’s Cutie Mark appeared above Canterlot.

“Well, looks like it's our turn!” The farmpony said as she literally jumped off her chair and on the ground. “Come on, Rarity! We can take the first train for Canterlot and be back for breakfast tomorrow.”

“Oh, I can’t wait. And after we saved a lifelong friendship, we could go looking for new fabrics. I have just the right idea for a dress that it would be perfect for your contour.”

“Well, thanks… ah think. So, see ya’ll after we fixed the problem.” The unicorn turned and sent a kiss over the group of friends as the two walked towards the door. Pinkie Pie dived in and caught in with her hooves falling on the floor.

“Good luck, girls!” Everypony there said as they waved at the two brave heroes going for their mission. Twilight made sure to double check the map and realized that that their Cutie Marks paired together were still displayed proudly on top of the Canterlot reproduction.

“You think that this time its for real?” Spike said, grasping his chin and squinting his eyes at the map.

“I guess we’ll have to wait and see.” Twilight shrugged,

***

The moment she saw Applejack and Rarity’s facesucking each other was the moment Twilight understood something wrong as ahoof.

“Oh, Darling! I believe we are making quite the impression are we?” Applejack was clinging to the unicorn, coating her neck with a flurry of small kisses. “We’re going to draw attention on us!”

Spike had buried his gaze deep in a deep comic book, that didn’t help to hide his ferocious blush.

“Well, if you girls weren’t making out on the map I’ll say you maybe want some attention?” Pinkie Pie said. Twilight facehoofed at the scene while Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy couldn’t help but laugh at the surreal display. The cream colored pegasus tried her best to mask her guffaw with a hoof while Rainbow Dash was inches to rolling on the floor, holding her belly to keep it intact.

“There’s something wrong with the map…” The Princess of Friendship quietly said as she walked up from her throne and coughed to attract the canoodling couple’s attention. “So… Rarity?”

“Yes, darling?” Rarity said dreamingly with Applejack still burying her lips in the crook of her neck. Her hooves were caressing that blonde, flowing mane.

“Did anything interesting happen in Canterlot?” Twilight asked with remarkable calm, not all bothered at the two having a roll in the hay right there in the center of the castle and without any hay.

“If you mean a friendship problem, no. Not even the shade of one.” Rarity said.

“Ah second that.” Applejack said for a brief moment before returning to the making out with the alabaster unicorn. “On the other hoof, there was a nice motel there, and ya know how it goes….”

“I know how it goes.” Twilight sighed. “I trust that you girls looked for it everywhere.”

“It was the most peaceful I ever saw Canterlot. It was kind of eerie.” said Rarity while nuzzling on the farmpony’s neck.

“Oh, man!” Rainbow stopped her laughter and threw her hooves in the air.

“What is it, Dashie?” Pinkie asked.

“We have to do something even lewder to top those two…” Rainbow Dash crossed her forelegs on her chest and sunk into her chair, pouting. Pinkie Pie instantly blushed when she connected the dots and realized her fillyfriend was talking about the shameless fashionista.

“I like the way you think…” Pinkie nudged her and flashed a cheeky grin. “How about we have a nice brainstorming session after the Cutie Map?”

“Uuuh… girls!” Twilight pointed at the loudly humming map and the two mares excused themselves and sheepishly returned to their places. Rainbow Dash offered a hoofbump to the both of them that only Applejack accepted, albeit begrudgingly. Twilight watched in pained anticipation as Fluttershy’s Cutie Mark appeared above Ponyville. The cream colored pegasus stood up, her hooves trembling as they held onto the stony surface of the map, a look of pure determination in her eyes… until a never seen before Cutie Mark appeared beside hers.

“Alright, now I know that the map is just bucking with me!” Twilight said. “Who’s that supposed to be?!”

“Buckball?” Pinkie said. “Is Fluttershy going to play Buckball? I’d like to play Buckball! But that’s still not my Cutie Mark!” She pouted.

“You could play it anytime you want.” Spike said.

“That’s true.”

“Wait a sec.” Rainbow Dash flew a few inches above to better examine the mysterious Cutie Mark. “That’s Bulk Biceps!”

“Wha...?” Twilight said. “But… but this makes no sense!”

“Definitely Bulk. I saw his Cutie Mark a thousand times. I know my friends’ Cutie Marks!”

“So… do I have to go on a mission with him? I mean, I wouldn’t mind.“ Fluttershy giggled, trying to remain a calm and positive attitude in perfect contrast with Twilight, whose mane was starting to appear ruffled and disheveled. The Princess of Friendship’s eyes were intently focused on the absurd mix up. “He’s a very nice stallion even if he doesn’t look like it. I think he wanted to ask me out!”

“Wait, you think?” Rainbow said, tilting her head with a puzzled look.

“Well, he gave me a ticket to the movies then he blushed and just bolted away. I mean, should I give it back to him? Maybe he forgot about it and he wanted me to keep it. It would be a waste of money if he forgot….”

Rainbow dragged her friend aside with a foreleg. “We need to talk.…”

“I knew it! The Cutie Map is trying to setting us up!” Twilight slammed her hooves on the ground, drawing everypony’s attention. “I mean, it was so obvious! Pinkie Pie!” Twilight pointed at the pink mare who looked behind herself and pointed a hoof towards her chest in a Who, me? Manner. “I mean, for all those years your crush on Rainbow was so blatant!”

“Whhhha’?! But I did my best to not make it blatant!” Pinkie Pie stood up on her hindlegs, hiding her chest behind her hooves.

“Yeah! Right!”Rainbow Dash snickered.

“And Applejack and Rarity, well… I can’t even start about Applejack and Rarity! I could write books about the years of unresolved sexual tension of you two!”

Rarity gasped in horrified awe. “Was I… that transparent all those years?! How shameful!” The unicorn promptly fainted and before she hit the ground, she was caught by Pinkie Pie that moved a soft couch in her direction.

“Where did ya—”

“Silly, Applejack!” Pinkie giggled. “You know that I never leave my house without a couch for Rarity to faint on!”

Applejack shrugged. “Ah suppose it makes sense.”

“And you and Bulk Biceps!” Twilight waved alphabetically in Fluttershy’s general direction before stopping altogether, her words dying in her throat. “I… I don’t know him enough for making judgements.”

“It’s okay.” Fluttershy said. “If it weren’t for the map, I wouldn’t even suspected it. “

“But why did it decide now of all moments to tell us about our love life?!”

“Well, Twilight… you could use somepony.” Rainbow Dash muttered.

“What are you saying?” Twilight turned at light speed towards the sharp tongued pegasus. One of her eyes was twitching.

“I’m saying that maybe, just maybe, you could heed the map’s advice!”

“You think the Cutie Map is here just to get us laid?”

“There! She said it!” Pinkie Pie clapped her hooves.

“She said what?” Rainbow asked.

“The title!”

“Of what?” Applejack placed a hoof over Rainbow’s mouth.

“It’s better to not know, Sugarcube.”

“Well, we’re back at square one! How am I going to to solve this problem?” Twilight said as she started pacing in circles around the map, fast enough to dig a hole in the crystal pavement.

“Is it really a problem? I mean…” Rarity grasped Applejack’s hoof strongly. “For once, the map solved our problems.”

“Yeah, but… this is not how it’s supposed to work, and I don’t know how to know how it’s supposed to work!” Twilight slumped back onto her throne, massaging her temple with a hoof.

“Have you tried… asking?” Pinkie Pie said, drawing everypony’s look toward her. “That’s what I do when I don’t get somepony.”

“You mean… asking the map?” Twilight said.

“Yup.”

“Yeah, sure! Maybe I should try to be all stern and menacing and maybe have a booming voice to ask…” Twilight cleared her voice as part of the joke until a thought crossed her mind: What if it was the right thing to do? She really hadn’t considered that hypothesis before. She took a deep breath and mustered the best Royal Canterlot Voice she could muster. “OH, CUTIE MAP! TELL US WHY YOU ARE BUGGING US ABOUT OUR LIVES INSTEAD OF FOCUSING ON OUR MISSION!”

SIlence fell on the room.

“Oh, well it was worth a shot.” Pinkie Pie patted her hooves and started getting up from her throne. “So, I guess we should find Bulk and—”

WHO DARES TO SUMMON THE WILL OF THE CUTIE MAP?!

“Eeep!” Pinkie Pie said hiding under the table.

“Well, that was unexpected.” Rainbow Dash said casually slumping on her throne, enjoying the show. Fluttershy joined Pinkie under the table while Rarity swooned once again, this time only the timely intervention of Applejack stopped her from hitting the floor.

Twilight Sparkle gulped.

“I… uh…oh, Cutie Map, why, all of a sudden you’ve taken an interest to our love lives?!”

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

“I mean that our mission is noble and important and all of a sudden you sound like a… nagging mother! Not to say you’re nagging but for an ancient and powerful magical artifact…”

WHO ARE YOU CALLING ‘ANCIENT’ MISSY?

“S-Sorry… I mean a youthful magical artifact like you… why now? Why… that?”

YOUR FRIENDS DON’T SEEM TO BE COMPLAINING ABOUT IT

“It’s true!” Pinkie Pie chirped from under the table, only to briefly scoot out to give a quick hoof bump to a grinning Dash.

“I would say my life has gotten better in a considerable way!” Rarity woke up from her stupor for a brief moment before swooning all over again in Applejack’s strong forelegs. Whether she mustered only that tiny bit of strength or did it on purpose to be more dramatic was unknown.

“Yes, but why you? What would you gain from it? Also, don’t you think you are distracting from a greater purpose?”

TWILIGHT, YOU COULD USE SOMEPONY MORE THAN ANYPONY ELSE

“Whoah! The Cutie Map told you you need to get laid!”

Twilight was grinding her teeth in hot, white anger.

“Just like I said!” Rainbow Dash said before stopping to contemplate on her words. “Wait a minute.”

“Maybe the map is you from the FUTAH?!” Pinkie’s voice came from under.

I ASSURE YOU THAT I’M NOT RAINBOW DASH FROM THE FUTURE

“Hey, what is this?” Pinkie Pie started fiddling about with the underside of the map, making it shake and tremble. “It seems like something is sticking out of it.”

“P-Pinkie! Please try not to break—”

Something promptly broke off. The Cutie Map hummed one last time before going silent and still.

“Whoopsie….”

“Pinkie!” Twilight Sparkle felt a sharp pain in her chest and her left hindleg going numb.

“Look what I found!” Pinkie lifted her hoof to find a small plastic box on it.

“A… a hidden microphone?!”

The microphone buzzed back to life. “Crap, we’ve been burned! I repeat. We’ve been burned!”

“I told you it wasn’t going to work!”

Twilight heard the sound of fleeing hoofsteps and a loud cracking noise before it fell silent.

“Princess Celestia?!”

***

“I told you it wasn’t going to work.” Princess Luna shook her head as her eyes followed her sister, busy pacing around the bedroom and packing in a small luggage everything she could find.

“Yes, I know. You already told me that. Several times in fact! Now be a dear and help me pack my bags.”

“I still don’t know why you did all of this, sister!”

“Because that castle was reeking of sexual tension, Luna! Somepony had to do something! Even if I had to use an ancient and nearly incomprehensible magic to back it all up. Now, I think we’ll have to stay a couple of months at Las Pegasus until things calm down.”

"Cadance told you it was going to end badly. Why do you think she hasn't done...Whatever you just did before?"

"Cadance is a nice mare but she doesn't know how to dare, sis! What is a pony if they never dare to do the unspeakable, to see the unseaable, to ship the unshippable?"

Luna trudged forward, drawing out an exhasperated sigh as dragged a small suitcase of her own to pack her things. "Are we going to pair somepony up there as well?"

"The sky is the limit, sis!" Celestia put on a pair of sunglasses and opened the window, letting a gust of wind mess up her mane as the light reflected on her shades, gazing towards the future. "The sky is the limit.

Luna groaned, noting that Celestia totally stole that from a movie.

Author's Note

I'm not sorry.