The Idiot and the Moon

    I yawned, staring off into royal gardens. Leaning on my spear, I saw colorful daisies, a few lilies here and there, rosy red roses whose scent tickled my nose, and a bunch of other flowers I couldn’t name. In the middle surrounded by all of these flowers was a small pond. Fish swam, merrily bubbling along while fireflies started lighting up all over the place. All the while the moonlight shone brilliantly over everything bringing a bit more light with it.

        I yawned. Again.

       I readjusted myself on my spear and sighed. My helmet was off and a cool breeze nudged my violet mane. Sure, I knew that having my helmet off was a violation of code. I could of gotten clean up duty, or hell, castle gate duty if the captain was in a bad mood. I wouldn’t though. I was the only one in these gardens at this time of night, and with six hours of my shift under my belt without seeing another soul I was pretty certain that nopony would’ve minded if I took it off for a few minutes.

     Yep, just another dull shift in the day of Swift Spell. Guarding the fish from the occasional gust of wind or the flowers from... something? I didn’t really know why they put a guard in the garden but hey, orders were orders. I wished this place was important enough for two guards though and not just one. At least then I’d have somepony to bounce off the various plant related puns I had come up with.

     I gave the garden a once over again, taking in the serene atmosphere. How I hadn’t fallen asleep on the job in these two weeks, I didn’t know. Along with that, I did have to wonder why guard the garden at all. The garden was behind the castle, as much as it could be with the castle being built into, well, the side of a mountain. If there was a gala going on or some dinner I could get putting a guard in for the day. I didn’t exactly want some drunk noble to answer the call of nature in the pond or eat all the flowers. I was also pretty confident that the Princesses didn’t want that either. However, with the lack of gala or private dinner being hosted right now I was stumped. Utterly bamboozled as to why I guarded the gardens.

    My ears swiveled suddenly. Aw, shit, Than my ears drooped. Somepony decides to take a late night stroll now of all times! I swiftly levitated my helm, scrambling to properly put it on my head. Hopefully they wouldn’t notice anything.

     I tried to calm my breathing. Not doing anything even remotely rule breaking, no siree. Please please don’t be Lieutenant Hardass. Think happy thoughts.

     I heard hoofsteps. Gradually they got louder and louder. Then they stopped. A few moments passed. Sweat dripped down my brow. Then, a sigh, followed by more hoofsteps. They were getting louder, as if...

     Eyes.

     Pretty green eyes.

     Annoyed, pretty, green eyes.

     Princess Luna’s annoyed, pretty, green eyes. Aw, double shits.

     “Why, praytell, art thou wearing thine helmet backwards?” She said it softly but her eyes were hard and narrow. She was so close to me too. I could even smell her breath. Minty fresh.

      I gulped. I didn’t want to lie to her. No no no, I heard about the rumors about lying to the princesses. I wasn’t going to end up on mess duty because of this. I didn’t want to sound like an idiot to her though either. Still, honesty is the best policy, as my father used to say. I took a breath and made my choice.

     “I, uh, I took off my helmet. I was trying to put it back on before anypony noticed.”

     “And thou decided on putting on thy helm backwards was the best course of action?”

     “Ha ha well,” I rubbed the back of my unhelmeted head, glancing to the item in question being held by her magic. “It was getting kind of hot and stuffy wearing that, Your Majesty.”

     Princess Luna slowly took a step back. Her cyan green eyes scanned my body before inspecting my helmet. “So, thou got a bit uncomfortable?” She twirled my helmet around slowly.

     I nodded, not sure where she was going with this.

     “Why not just strip off all of thine armor then?” She looked at me. Oh no, she expected an answer.

    “Well, uh, then I wouldn’t be protected from an attack?”

    “Oh but please. We wouldn’t want thou to feel uncomfortable.” The way she said that drove chills down my back. The next thing though brought a furious heat to my cheeks.

     “Strip,” She commanded.

     “Uh, what?”

   “Strip,” her voice lined with a dangerous edge to it. I didn’t need to be told a third time.

     As swiftly as I could I started taking off my armor. I started with the horseshoes, tossing each one over to where Luna put my helmet. Once that was done, I took off my armor proper and slid it over to the rest of my stuff. Luna watched, of course, but her face was the perfect picture of unreadable calm.

     “Boy, it sure is chilly out here.”

     “There, art thou more relaxed now?”

     Honestly, no. Now I was cold, and forced to be naked in front of the Princess. Despite the population being naked ninety percent of the time, it felt a lot different when being told to strip by a superior. “No.”

    “No?” She held up a hoof to her muzzle in mock surprise. Great, I became a goddesses play-toy.

    Sighing, I steeled my nerves before looking the Princess in the eyes. “Alright Luna-”

    “Princess Luna,” She corrected.

    “Princess Luna, I get it. I know I shouldn’t have taken off my helmet on duty. I thought nopony else would come down into the gardens. Obviously, I was wrong. I’m sorry.”

     The Princess kept staring at me, her cool green eyes in locked thought. Finally, she spoke. “Thou art sincere. Still, disobeying the Lunar Guard code,” She shook her head and tsked, ethereal mane trailing around her head, something I found immensely cute. “What is thine name?”

     “Swift Spell, Your Majesty.”

    “Well Swift Spell, thou art still in trouble.” Aw, damn. “Thou will continue to guard our garden until noon. Naked.”

     “But,” She continued. “ We thank thee for thy honesty and forwardness. Many a guard think of us as a fearsome, ‘ice queen’. We assure you that we art not made of ice, nor are we thy queen. We merely wish for thou to see the wrongdoing you have committed without telling you so. You are grown stallions and mares, not foals.”

     I winced inwardly. I had to admit I thought of her as Ice Queen a few times myself. When the Princess showed up half a year ago I, along with a few others, got put into her Lunar Guard. Nopony wanted to do dedicated night shift, nor did they wanted to be under the command of some new pony no one had heard of before. With how happy Princess Celestia had been in those following weeks however, nopony wanted to voice their opinions. Now though, I felt guilty.

     I understood now that despite her seemingly cold, stand-offish nature, Princess Luna did care about her guards. She just had a different way of going about it. Unlike Celestia, we were not like foals to her. She was our superior, through and through.

    “You’re right Princess. Again, I’m sorry. It just, I dunno, it gets lonely in these gardens. I got used to being by myself I guess.”

     The Princess nodded. “Indeed Swift Spell. We understand. Guarding the gardens is not the most productive task, nor is it the most social one. Art We correct?”

    “Yeah, spot on.” I said. Now that I had been stripped for a few minutes I didn’t feel as nervous about it any more. With the Princess also being naked, I felt kind of comfy? Almost felt like we were on even ground or something.

Wait, the Princess is naked. Not like this was new information, but the thought struck me just now. Don’t think about it Swift. Just don’t.

     Before I could even start thinking about it the Princess continued. “The gardens were our idea, truthfully. At least, this section was.”

     Huh? I always pegged Celestia as the gardener type. “Really?”

    I swore a hint of a smile appeared on her face. “Yes. We wished for a place for our subjects to relax, in either day or night. This section? We planted it ourselves, back at our old castle within the Everfree.”

    “Wait? The Everfree? How’d it get here then?”

    “We know not the precise method of how our Sister achieved it, but, We art grateful for it nonetheless.”

    “Wow,” I said.

    “Indeed. Back then the world was a much more unforgiving place. Enemies surrounded Equestria’s borders. The threat of attack was one with very real possibilities. So, We had guards in our garden. My dear Sister, although now only one guard guards the royal garden at night, must have kept the tradition.”

     “That... that makes a lot of sense. The castle in the Everfree wouldn’t have had a mountain for natural protection. If an enemy wanted to infiltrate the castle they could of snuck in easily from all sides. Oh man, I never thought of that.” I facehoofed, now it all made sense.

     Luna only smirked. Damn, she was good! I still thought the post was boring, no amount of history lessons was going to change that, but at least now I understood why it existed in the first place.

     The Princess cleared her throat and I looked towards her. “Well, thou hast the rest of the night, and then some, to look forward too. We shall take our leave than.”

     I smiled and gave her a salute. “Don’t worry Princess. I’ll be rooted to this position for the rest of the night.”

     The Princess raised an eyebrow. I guess they didn’t have puns a thousand years ago. Still, she gave me a small smile and curtsey. With that she took her leave, trotting back the way she came from initially.

    As she left, I uh, I admit that I may have admired her flank as she walked away.

    “Oh, Swift Spell?” Huh? I met her eyes. Those pretty green orbs twinkled with a hint of mischief. “We art sure that bandits do not reside in our rump! Eyes forward, young guard.”

     Blushing, I did as told and stood at attention. Sure I was cold, naked, and mildly humiliated by a thousand year old Moon Princess, but, my spirits were significantly higher than the start of my shift. All things considered, it could have been a lot worse.

     I slammed the—now empty—mug  down onto the oaken table. “And that, fillies, colts, and Silverhoof, is how I spent that night in the royal gardens.”

     Pepper, Sky Streak, and Silverhoof looked at each other. I saw how their brows raised and eyes silently asked Is this guy fucking with us? This is some joke right?

     Silverhoof, the hardass bat pony he was, spoke first. “That is a load of horseshit, Swift.”

    “If you don’t wanna believe it then fine. Your loss. You asked if anything interesting happened.”

    Pepper turned her head to the side slightly, kind of like a puppy. “Well, yeah, but we weren’t actually serious. I mean, that didn’t happen did it?” She asked, wings slightly unfurled.

   Silver answered her before Sky Streak could say anything. “Pepper, you don’t actually believe any of this shit right? I can see him putting his helmet on backwards, because only an idiot like him would, but to get that light of an punishment from the Queen of Spooks herself? That don’t fit with her M.O..”

    I levitated another mug of beer over from a passing barmaid and took a sip. That’s cause you assholes are too busy avoiding the Princess instead of talking to her like a pony, I thought. There’s night court for a reason.

     Still, as my friends, and Silverhoof, bickered over my story, I enjoyed my beer and was fully content to stare out of the window. Huh, a full moon. Well, whaddya know? I smiled. Thanks Luna, for the glorious night.