The newsroom was abuzz with the energy and excitement of the masses, the lights were on, the cameras were spooling up, and the action was about to begin. Camera Ponies were finding the best angles from which to shoot from, makeup artists were just putting the finishing touches on the female host, Hostess, and the producer was nervously pacing behind the cameras as the time for his greatest success story came to a head. With a momentous flash of lightning and a thunderous boom the subject of Equestria’s awe and respect appeared on stage. Silence descended over the crowd of assembled ponies all of whom were expectantly waiting for their heroine to step forward from the rising smoke. When she did step out of her smoke screen it was to the clopping and shouts of her assorted fans along with the commentary of Hostess.
“Fillies and Gentlecolts, Mares and Stallions, you may know of her thunderous accomplishments, you may know of her unusual name but let me introduce you to her once again… I give you, THUNDER THIGHS! The heroine of the Crystal Empire, Defender of Harmony, and Banisher of Nightmares. Truly if there was a pony worthy of our respect it would be her. But our great heroine was not always so great, in fact not too long ago she was just humble applebucking filly who- well that’s not my story to tell, but please give a big round of applause to our special guest here tonight.”
Thunder Thighs continued onto the carpeted talk show floor while Hostess continued.
“There have been rumors about how you became what you are today but you have not supported any of them, if you wouldn’t mind, could you tell us your origin story?”
The question was asked not even three seconds after Thunder Thighs set her wondrous thighs down on their specially protected chair.
“Umm… Sure.”
Hostess leaned in towards Thunder Thighs with a splitting grin on her face.
“Great! You heard it here first folks, the wunderkind Thunder Thighs will divulge her secret for us-”
“-it’s not really a secret-” Thunder Thighs interrupted but Hostess ignored her.
“-here on the Equestrian Broadcasting Station. Take it away Miss Thunder Thighs.”
A bit taken aback by Hostess’s blatant interruption and aggressiveness Thunder Thighs struggled to find an answer.
“I- um- I don’t know where to begin I just-”
Hostess schmoozed her way over to Bucky, Thunder Thighs left thigh.
“-Well, were you bitten by a snake?” Hostess pressed.
Thighs protested. “No! We don’t have snakes on-”
“-Did you touch a magical artifact?”
“No.”
“Hmmm. Did you make a deal with Discord?”
“No! I-”
“-Were you struck by lightning then bitten by a rattlesnake?”
Thunder Thighs paused to take a deep breath and ignore her obnoxious host.
“I was struck by lightning from Twittermites. That is all.” She intoned in a deadpanned voice. “There were no magical artifacts. There was no deal with Discord and there certainly were no snakes. I was struck by lightning and somehow all the energy went right to my thighs then I saved the day for once which made my reputation blow up. Now we’re here and I’d prefer it if you would call me Apple Bloom because that is my real name.” She finished with a pointed glare which left Hostess squirming in her seat.
“Oh. Okay Miss Thu- Apple Bloom how about we start by discussing how you beat the villains that threatened Equestria.”
Apple Bloom’s mood brightened immediately.
“Okay! Now that is something that I can do.” Apple Bloom immediately delved into her tale.
“Well you see, everything started when I got a letter from my cousin Babs Seed who lives in Manehatten. She just got her cutie mark, a pair of scissors. We, that is Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle and myself were all very proud of her. One thing led to another and we started discussing what might happen if we got a Cutie Mark we were dissatisfied with. I kinda let my thoughts run out of control. I-um as it turned out I had a nightmare dream thing. My new cutie Mark was a bug spray can spraying apple mist, turns out that I was supposed to be the new ‘pest pony’. I- uhh tried that job for a while but was mocked for it. As it turns out, I needed that mark to help Sweet Apple Acres with a swarm of Twittermites. And I- um...well, I got shocked and this-” Apple Bloom gestured to her great and powerful thighs “-is what happened.”
When Apple Bloom had finished her short introduction the host nodded.
“I see, and how did you go on to fight all of these villains?”
Apple Bloom leaned forward in her chair and grinned.
“I went back in time.”
The host raised an eyebrow in confusion. “You… went back in time?”
“Yep.” Apple Bloom answered smugly. “The shock I got from those nasty Twittermites sent me back in time to when Nightmare Moon was attacking Ponyville and let me tell you I had no idea what happened. Really all that I can say is that I was so confused by the situation and then this big armoured mare walks up to me and starts talking about how the ‘night will last forever’ and stuff. I’ll admit it, I was scared-”
“-anypony would be scared to face Nightmare Moon.” Hostess interrupted only to have Apple Bloom level her eyes at her.
“Right… Well I did what came naturally to me, I got up and ran. Of course I didn’t know it at the time but my thighs had grown rather large and when I ran they- ummm- clapped together. I don’t know what that did to Nightmare Moon but I know that I was propelled into the ground by some random explosion. When I woke up I was in a hospital bed surrounded by roses and letters from my adoring fans. Apparently a news pony passed by who saw what I did to Nightmare Moon then wrote a story about it. I was an overnight celebrity.”
“How did that make you feel Miss Bloom?”
“Happy I guess? I mean, I knew when all of these terrible events were going to happen and-”
“-What about Discord? What you did to him, was it intentional?”
Apple Bloom’s face paled at the mention of the Draconequus’s name.
“N-No! I never meant to shatter his statue, I tried to help the guards move it.” Apple Bloom insisted. “And well, I tapped it just a little bit and I- um… broke him.” She finished sheepishly.
“Well,” Hostess huffed. “From what Princess Celestia and Princess Luna told us he would have caused an unimaginable amount of chaos if he had been released.”
“Yeah he would have but I didn't-” Apple Bloom was cut off by another set of Hostess’s rapid fire questions and accusations.
“-Then what about Sombra?”
“That was just a coincidence! I didn’t know he would know about me! And besides Twi-”
“-Tirek too, huh? Was he another ‘accident’ or did you just want to be the hero again and steal the limelight?”
Apple Bloom, now very confused and quite stressed tried to get out of her chair only to see ropes holding her to the chair. Hostess’s eyes seemed to burn through Apple Bloom.
“And if they were an accident then what about poor Queen Chrysalis? You sat on her without knowing it! How could you, you-”
A sharp ding interrupted Hostess’s rant then her posture perked up and she leaned towards the camera.
“Miss Bloom,” Hostess said cordially “It was a pleasure meeting with you but I am afraid that we have used up all the time we have for tonight. This is Hostess from the EBC and I wish you all a good night.”
Discord sat at the foot of Apple Bloom’s bed with the white tuft of his tail resting on the poor filly’s fevered forehead. The dream he had just seen made him titter.
“Oh-Oh that. Was. Precious. I should volunteer to do this foal-sitting more often. But alas dear child my time is up. Off to the next house, toodles!”
So with a snap of his talons Discord vanished into thin air leaving Apple Bloom to her now peaceful rest.
Author's Note
This is what happens when I mess up the lyrics of AC/DC's Thunderstruck and get involved in a home brewed game of Snake Oil where I persuaded a health fanatic why he should have THUNDER THIGHS! I don't remember much of that night
And this is 15/31. Honestly it's meh.
