Mary Sue Fixes Equestria

by Aeluna

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe
Length: 3842

*Spoof* Princess Carmine Carnation Cerise Tiara is bored. She's three hundred years old and hasn't been out in years! Now her mother, Celestia, has a new task for her; assist lowly student Twilight Sparkle during her studies in Ponyville!

Princess Carmine Carnation Cerise Tiara is, for the thousandth time that day, ever so bored. Since she was kidnapped and tortured by her father's jealous ex-wife, she has never once been out. But now, with her beloved student heading off to Ponyville, Princess Celestia knows she cannot let the lavender unicorn be alone—and so she sends her daughter, the aforementioned princess, to help Twilight in her studies.

Chaos does not ensue because frankly, Princess Carmine Carnation Cerise Tiara is way too talented to ever let anything go wrong.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-11-26 22:02:27 UTC

Mary Sue Fixes: Season One, Part I

Episode One

I groaned as I watched the lavender unicorn studying her books by the lake, looking most baffled. Naturally, during my three hundred year confinement inside the castle, I had memorised every single book that was on the shelves. I was rather talented like that. It was all Mother's fault, of course; she was too stressy. So sure, I was kidnapped and tortured by my evil black-and-red alicorn father when I was thirty, and then his ex-mate when I was thirty-five, but still. I needed to get some fresh air and to stretch my wings, which I definitely couldn't do in my insanely expensive purpose-built gymnasium.

Annoyed, I slumped down on my bed and curled up under the covers. I closed my beautiful pink eyes and then let myself drift off into sleep. When I awoke, however, I was most surprised to find my mother standing above me with a letter in her mouth. She was crying profusely and wept even more when I opened the letter; in short, Mother was sending me to Ponyville!

Mother wrapped her head around me and ensnared me in her wings. She then pulled back and whispered, "Be strong, little girl. I will always miss you; you are the most important pony in my life."

I grinned and nodded eagerly before I teleported to ponyville with my powerful magic, because I was just that good. It was night by now, though I couldn't understand why since it had been day literally a second ago. But I knew that it was the Thousandth Summer Sun Celebration. A lot of noise was coming from the town hall so I began to make my way there, trotting gently. Nightmare Moon, my mother's evil sister, was going to return at some point tonight, so I figured I—for they would be too weak—should save everypony.

Episode Two

For half a second, I was slightly nervous about pushing the door open—but then I remembered who I was and laughed at my silliness. Of course I was capable; I was the Princess Carmine Carnation Cerise Tiara. So much so, that when I pushed open the door to the town hall I was not even shocked or scared to see Nightmare Moon, hideous mare that she was, standing at my mother's podium. Unlike the ponies around me, though, I didn't feel the need to whisper in terror.

"The night shall last forever!" Nightmare Moon shouted before she transformed into a cloud of smoke and shot from the door. A rainbow-coloured pony followed closely after her, looking most upset.

"Nighttime? Forever?"

I rolled my eyes and flew up to her really quickly, because in my three hundred years of confinement I had become faster than even the Wonderbolts themselves. I placed a hoof on the rainbow maned pony's shoulder and said gently, "Don't worry, I am Princess Carmine Carnation Cerise Tiara and I'll help you get rid of the evil shadow, Nightmare Moon!"

The rainbow maned pony's jaw fell open and she stuttered a little before she finally said, "Princess Carmine Carnation Cerise Tiara? As in, the Princess Carmine Carnation Cerise Tiara?"

I nodded. "Of course, though I'm surprised that you have heard of me. I mean, I am definitely influential in politics and... well, everything. But I don't like to brag, I'm just not the kind of pony who does that. But that is not important because now we're going to go and vanquish this evil spirit intent on taking over my mother's throne!" I paused and looked about, scanning the crowd. With my sixth sense, it was hardly difficult to find five not-yet-friends to join me on my quest. And so, in the blink of an eye, I summoned the elements of harmony—being a mare of divine purity, I could do that—and gave one to each of the ponies before I warped each of them to the Castle of the Two Sisters alongside myself. I stood in front and opened my princess wings to shield them from Nightmare Moon's attack, throwing up a magical shield with no difficulty at all.

"This is over, Nightmare Moon! Bow before me, or I shall defeat you here and now!"

"Never!"

Well, I gave her a chance. I reared up and then began to gallop towards the evil alicorn, my horn sparking. Nightmare Moon began to charge back at me, but I knew that there was no way she could win; I shot a beam of rainbow harmony magic towards her and my aim was true, striking her heart. She screamed and reared up as the harmony magic then engulfed her and she fell to the floor, her evil disguise falling away to reveal a small, pale blue alicorn. At the same time, the sun reappeared and, in a flash of blinding white light, my mother appeared before me. She smiled widely before she then faltered and glanced at me, beaming.

"Did you defeat Nightmare Moon, daughter?"

I shook my head because I was not the sort to brag. I then nodded to Twilight and the other ponies and said, "They did most of the work." The ponies looked stunned at the statement. One even shook her head, but my mother ignored that.

"In that case, I am so proud of you all." She beamed the most at Twilight and me. "I hereby decree that you shall both remain in Ponyville so that you can both work on bettering your abilities in the relative safety of this town, since such would be impossible in Canterlot."

Twilight frowned. "Why is that, Princess?"

Celestia winked at me and then, with a little wave of a hoof, replied, "Just because."

And so, my new life in Ponyville began.

Mary Sue Fixes: Season One, Part II

Episode Three

I was most grateful to my mother, I had to admit, for the accomodation arrangements. The lavender unicorn Twilight Sparkle, much befitting her mere student status, was given a treehouse—if a rather splendid specimen—in which to store all of her many books. She lived with the little dragon of hers, too;  Spike was a sweet creature, though frankly everypony was a friend of mine.

I, however, hadn't needed to rely on my mother to provide for me; I had merely built my own palace in the middle of town. It was a little rough around the edges, because even I was not quite perfect, hard as it may have been to believe (though I would never brag). Frankly, I could have done better, but at the same time to have done so would surely have made the poor ponies of Ponyville feel inferior. Hence, the intricate stained glass windows were not quite as bright as they could have been and the door—oh, gosh, the door! It wasn't even painted, the horror!

I giggled to myself as I trotted out of the unpainted, hellish door, looking perhaps more like a ballet dancer in my movements than a mere jogger, and I opened my wings in all their rainbow-coloured glory. I took a moment to smell the sweet spring air before I then took to the sky, drifting up slowly before I shot forwards. I was a blur as I raced through the air, spinning as I did so and giggling. It was a simple manoevre, and I was rather disappointed by the trail of bright pink which was left behind me, crackling with electricity. It still drew a lot of gasps from the crowds beneath me though.

Since I was so talented at magic, it had been easy for me to reciprocate the spell of Princess Candence's to force the element bearing ponies to bond. Naturally, it had gone seamlessly; when they awoke from their trance, with a nudge in the right direction by my smooth, silky voice, they were more than happy to agree to be friends. Twilight was reluctant at first, of course, but my seamless way with words broke her in the end.

Was I not the most generous pony ever, giving up my time like so? It certainly seemed the case, in my most valued opinion.

I smiled to myself as I shot through the sky, then landing perfectly without the slightest skid outside Sweet Apple Acres. I was rather good at landings, I had to admit.

I had an important issue to deal with, though. I could just tell that something was wrong; my feathers were all tingly, a sure sign that my talents were needed here. How did I know to come here? Magic, of course.

I didn't need to look for Twilight to solve the issue; I simply flared up my magic and, focusing on her image, popped up right before her. She, accompanied by the orange one and the rainbow one—Applejack and Rainbow Dash, I knew for certain—screamed and scrambled away from me. They gasped for breath and squeaked at my appearance; I rolled my eyes and released a calming aroma from my horn, a magical ability that I had honed over sheer minutes of study, which promptly made them settle.

"I, Princess Carmine Carnation Cerise Tiara, am now here to help resolve whatever issue you may be experiencing." I bowed my head slightly as I continued. "Whatever is the matter, my dear little ponies and cherished friends?"

Twilight, no longer looking like a deer in the carriage lights, levitated a pair of golden tickets up to me. I assessed them slightly before guessing, "You only have two tickets, but all your friends want to go to the Gala?"

Twilight nodded eagerly, letting out a sad sigh. "Well, both Applejack here and Rainbow Dash want it, and I'm sure the other girls will. Uh, what were their names again?"

I waved my hoof through the air. "Shush, Twilight. It is no matter; I shall resolve this issue." With that, I reared up and snapped out my wings, blasting from my spot and into the air. After half a second of flying, I then disappeared with a pop and reappeared in Canterlot, before my mother herself. "Hello, Mother. Might I copy Twilight's gala tickets to solve a little predicament?"

My mother beamed at me and trotted over, ruffling my mane. "I'm so proud of you, dear," she whispered, kissing my cheek. "I trust you completely; of course you can."

"Thank you, mother!" I chirped before I popped back to Sweet Apple Acres, nearly scaring Twilight and Rainbow Dash to death. Poor Applejack, though, genuinely did look like she had had a fit; with a sigh, I rose a hoof to her chest and pressed down gently, pumping for a mere millisecond before the life returned to her.

"Hoo—ee!" she cried, bowing her head to me. I nodded in return and grinned before I turned back to Twilight and took the tickets from her magic. I then closed my eyes and focused before, out of absolutely nowhere, golden scraps began to rain from the sky. When there were enough covering the ground to at least supply all of Ponyville, I then wrapped them in my aura and teleported each directly into the recipient's mailbox.

"Et, voila!" I said as I held the original scraps out, returning them to Twilight. "Now that everypony has a ticket, a crisis has been averted!" I giggled a little and then flared up my horn, teleporting all of us to the local cafe. Servers began to scamper about the second they saw us, waiting on our every back and call. "So, why don't we celebrate with lunch?"

Mary Sue Fixes: Season One, Part III

Episode 4

I loved Sweet Apple Acres. All the animals and the nature... It was so lovely just to be outside! Nevertheless, I was well aware that something was not quite right; something that involved that orange mare, Applejack.

I teleported directly to her, finding her chatting—or, should I say, arguing—with her brother. Big Macintosh was the quiet type, but in the last few days I had managed to coax him mostly out of his shell. He wouldn't talk to anypony else, of course, but he was now quite willing to chat with me—though was that any surprise?

"Good morning!" I chirped as I skipped forwards, ruffling my thick and beautiful feathers. I giggled as his face brightened immediately, as did Applejack's; for some odd reason, everypony seemed to dote on me. "Whatever is the matter?"

Applejack frowned a little. "Well, Big Mac 'ere 'as gone an' twisted 'is side, an' now Ah've gotta buck all these here apples mahself." She scowled at the stallion a little. "But 'e doesn't think Ah can do it alone, cheeky bastard!"

I was quiet for a moment, frowning at the less than savoury language. I then glanced at the stallion and zipped around him using my innate magic so that I was a blur. A moment later, I nodded resolutely and wrapped the stallion in my magic, lifting him up into the air. He struggled and groaned but quickly quietened when he remembered that I wouldn't hurt a fly; a moment later, his bandage fell free and my magic seeped into his wound, healing it instantaneously. When I placed him back down, both he and his sister merely gawped—but my generosity wasn't over yet.

Snapping my rainbow wings out, I shot into the air in a blast of bright pink magic. I then shot towards the trees, my wings folded close to my side, before I opened them and flapped them with as much force as I could muster. The air produced by my wings was so powerful that it created a mini blast of magic, knocking the apples from half of the orchard. Even I had my limits, after all. Hence, taking a deep breath and letting  out a shrill shriek of glee, I shot forwards and finished harvesting the other half of the apple orchard.

Now, to complete the task. I spun and began to shoot back through the orchard at the speed of light, my body a mere blur as I zipped past the ponies. Whilst I did so I used my magic to form a giant net as I flew which grew in size as I progressed; a moment later, before even a single apple had touched the floor, I had gathered them all in my net. Then making the net into a bag, I fluttered down to Applejack's and Big Macintosh' sides as I levitated the bag to leave in the barn.

"Hoo-ee!" I cried, giggling a little as I winked at Applejack. "Well, that was some tough work! I'm nearly sweating—but not quite, don't worry!" I giggled a little more and pulled both Big Macintosh and Applejack into an embrace, which both happily reciprocated. "Well, I'm glad that I could do all the work for you! And now, I must return home to the village; frankly, my skills—though I am far from perfect—are much needed there."

Episode 5

I, just like Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash, loved a good prank. Frankly, I think that shared interest made me even closer to the two ponies especially, though it wasn't exactly necessary when one considered how I was good friends with everypony. Whether the prank was played on me or somepony else was irrelevant; I was a good sport.

Whatever the case, I took much pleasure in watching the harmless pranks play out, though when things began to get a little mean I did step into curb Pinkie's and Dash' behaviour, being the caring pony that I was. Half way through my deeply moving lecture which I had improvised on the spot, however, I was a little disappointed to find that a sour looking griffon landed in between the ponies and myself to cut me off. I did not shout or complain, though.

"Hey, Dash!" the griffon growled, her voice somewhat unnerving. "Long time no see! Who are the dweebs?"

I rolled my eyes and opened my wings, using my magic to create a pair of wings and a horn on Pinkie Pie. The griffon, who now stood stunned, was left in the dust as I then shot off, reaching the clouds and back in less time than it took her to blink. Pinkie Pie followed suit, flying just as fast as me when I have her a boost with my magic.

I smirked a little when I landed. "My name is Princess Carmine Carnation Cerise Tiara, daughter of Princess Celestia and heir to Equestria. These are my friends, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. In fact, everypony is my friend—and if anypony is mean to my friends, I will not stand idly by." My eyes flashed as I flapped my wings and I grinned as I saw the griffon cower. "Glad to see you understand. Now, remember, be nice and we'll all get along!"

The griffon, who I guessed was called Gilda—the name sounded right for her—nodded and gave a sheepish smile. "Of course, Princess Carmine Carnation Cerise Tiara! I understand!" And with that, before she could do any more harm, she was gone with an eagle's screech.

"So... Fancy a pint of milk at the bar to celebrate?"

"Milk?" Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow.

"But of course. I'm too pure a pony to drink alcohol."

Mary Sue Fixes: Season One, Part IV

Episode 6

I yawned and stretched out my hooves gracefully as I woke, a large and beautiful smile upon my perfectly formed muzzle. After I slipped to the floor without a sound, I opened my gorgeous wings and began to make my way dowstairs. I was staying with young Twilight Sparkle, of course, since I was not the sort to demand my own home simply because I had a title.

I was so modest.

I smiled to myself and hummed a tune as I trotted slowly into the kitchen, pushing a few chairs into the proper position. I then let my magic engulf my horn and, a moment later, a generous spread of food—a full cooked breakfast with haycon, chickpealata sausages, tomatoes, hash browns and baked beans; bread rolls with jam, butter, cheese, and eggs; multiple pastries, not limited to brioche, croissants, pain au chocolat and pain au raisin; spaneighs churros with chocolate sauce—now laying on the table. Though I had tried traditional cooking and baking before, I had always found that using my magic to make meals from thin air was much more practical; it wasn't the fanciest food, and I could possibly have done more to make the breakfast more refined, but at the end of the day, I didn't want to brag and belitte my mother's magic student.

Disappointingly, however, the door was thrown open just as I exited the kitchen to wait for Twilight Sparkle to awaken. In the doorway stood two young unicorns; one, the shortest, was a well covered, light blue colt and the second was a gangly, off-yellow teen. The grins on their faces were massive, their chests rising and falling at breakneck speed as they panted and gasped for air. When their eyes landed on me, however, they yelped and fell to the floor. The smaller of the two then uttered, "P-P-Princess Carmine Carnation Cerise T-Tiara!" He gulped before he finished with a squeak, "W-why are you h-here?"

I laughed and opened my wings, stepping forwards and bringing both colts to my sides in an embrace. Snips and Snails—in the last few days, I had come to know them well—laughed and snuggled up closer to my sides. I was not particularly surprised at their sudden relaxation; during my imprisonment, I had mastered the skill of soothing other ponies—a fact which was only made the more impressive when one was to consider my general lack of contact with ponies in general. But, naturally, I would never advertise that. Why make anypony else feel inferior?

"I live here now, Snips," I said as I pushed the colts away and folded my wings back to my side. "My mother, Princess Celestia of Equestria, sent me to watch over her student, Twilight Sparkle; the new lavender unicorn in town, if you haven't heard of her." I laughed a little. "I must admit, I'm rather shy—but she makes even less of an attempt to make friends than I do."

Snips gasped quietly. "But Princess Carmine Carnation Cerise Tiara... You must be one of the most loved ponies here in Ponyville!"

I blushed. "Well, I am flattered. But I am a shy mare; I never intended to get such fame. But, you are here for a reason, little ones. Whatever is wrong?"

The colts were quiet for a moment as they gazed up at me in awe, their mouths open in small 'o' shapes. After a few moments and a gentle cough on my part, though, they shook their heads and, in perfect unison, cried, "Haven't you heard? There is a new unicorn in town! She's got more powers than any unicorn, in, well, ever!"

I raised an eyebrow slowly. "My feathers are tingly. Something about this seems... Wrong."

Snips and Snails were quiet and began to paw at the ground with their hooves. "Well, she's really powerful. And she says she vanquished an Ursa Major, so we brought one to town so we can watches some awesome magic!"

I shook my head slowly. I could have gotten angry, but I was too lovely to do so.

I wasn't worried—genuinely. In my three hundred year inprisonment, an Ursa Major had gotten into my palace. I had defeated it easily, using the many spells I had at my beck and call.

But now, I didn't have to take the limelight. Being a shy mare, I didn't want to give anypony more reason to shower me with the praise and adoration I deserved—but Twilight Sparkle was powerful too, and so I immediately teleported up to her room, woke her gently with a spell and then teleported (with ease) myself, the unicorn, her dragon, and the two colts outside. The magician, Trixie Lulamoon, had long since run away, now cowering in the corner.

"Princess Carmine Carnation Cerise Tiara! Help us!" the unicorn cried, her eyes massive. I shook my head.

"No. It must be Twilight Sparkle who does this. Because I am too shy."

Twilight Sparkle gulped but stepped forwards. She then wrapped the Ursa—only a Minor, pity—in her magic and began to soothe it with music. She then filled a water tank with milk, not without a magical nudge from me, and levitated the Ursa back to its cave. When she had finished, she fell to the floor in exhaustion, but I managed to catch her before she hit the ground with my super speed. I then stood and said to Trixie, "You should know better than to brag, my little pony."

Trixie scowled and reared up before she fled in a puff of smoke. I rolled my eyes and then began to walk back to the library once more, waving to Twilight Sparkle's would-be-friends on her behalf.

I was just that good.