Jon Lajoie in Ponyville

by Kirb

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Crossover, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Main 6, Other
Length: 4475

Comedian Jon Lajoie arrives in Ponyville and causes all sorts of shenanigans.

A red car drives into Ponyville one day, its only passenger being comedian Jon Lajoie. As he gets settled in, he doesn't adjust to his surroundings-- nor do they adjust to him, as they don't entirely appreciate his comedy...

I saw that it hadn't been done, so I did it. Oh yeah.

Also, I got bored with my other fics, so I decided to take a break. Note that "break" does not equal "quitting forever."

Published 2012-07-09 03:14:03 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-20 01:19:42 UTC

The Arrival of MC V*****

The Arrival of MC V*****

Jon Lajoie in Ponyville
by Kirb Hysteria
Chapter One
The Arrival of MC Vagina

One fine day in a town in the happy country of Equestria called Ponyville, the ponies in the town were all doing their pony thing, by which I mean the things that ponies normally do in Ponyville on fine days. They went around with their normal, everyday lives, buying stuff at the marketplace, carrying carts, and generally walking through the streets and talking with everyone. Little did they know that their day was about to get a lot stranger...

Twilight Sparkle exited her library on this normal day. She is not what one would call an "everyday, normal pony," only because she schedules her life by the month. Her assistant, Spike, a baby dragon, rode on her back.

"Okay, Spike," said Twilight. "Now what is next on the list?"

"Hmm..." said Spike. "Let's see..."

He began mumbling as every dragon would while reading a list clearly not written in English, but rather, in some other language that these ponies would understand. Not that they didn't speak English, of course they did, they just didn't write in it.

"Well, I--"

Spike was cut off as his eyes suddenly got big and he burped out a letter. No envelope, just a letter, tied up with a ribbon. Twilight stopped walking down the street and horn lit up as she grasped the letter with her magic. Untying the ribbon, she read the letter aloud to Spike.

"My faithful student, I am writing to you today to let you know that a royal guest of honor will be arriving in Ponyville shortly. Upon his arrival, he deserves to be treated with respect. Sincerely, Princess Celestia."

Twilight gasped. "Oh no! Did you hear that, Spike? One of the Princess' royal subjects is arriving today! We have no time! We must get the town prepared! We have to contact the Mayor to get her to make a speech!"

"Uh, Twilight?" said Spike, his voice almost being drowned out over Twilight's frantic blabbering. "I really don't think that's necessary..."

Twilight turned to Spike and took a deep breath in. "You don't think it's necessary? This is a royal guest of honor! Of course it's necessary! How do you know what's necessary and what isn't?"

Spike rolled his eyes and reached out his arm to cover Twilight's mouth with his claw. Then he extended another arm and pointed at the letter.

"Read the last line," he said.

Twlight paused, then did as Spike asked.

"P.S., No need to get the town prepared or anything, this particular subject isn't one who would request that sort of thing. Oh! Phew!"

Twilight breathed out a sigh of relief.

"Silly me! I shouldn't have gotten so worked up over that."

"Hey, Twilight!" came a voice from behind them.

Twilight and Spike turned around to see Rainbow Dash flying towards them.

"Hi Rainbow," said Twilight. "What's going on?"

"I saw something weird as I was flying!" said the Pegasus.

"What happened?"

"Well, I was just flying around, doing my super cool flying tricks, when suddenly I see a flash of something on the ground. I hid behind a cloud to take a closer look, and... it looked like a monster riding another monster!"

"What?"

"Yeah, the bigger of the two, the monster being rided on, looked like a giant red turtle with black legs, only it had no shell. The one riding it looked like a big hairless ape, but it was wearing clothing!"

"Hmm... That is weird. I may have to look that up."

"Or not," interrupted Spike. "Here they come now!"

Twilight turned her head and saw what Rainbow had been talking about.

Driving over the bridge was a red convertible. In the driver's seat was a human male. He had dark brown hair, a little bit of facial hair, and was wearing a red Hawaiian shirt with a black undershirt, green shorts, a green baseball hat turned backwards, and dark sunglasses with red rims. This was not normally a sight to be seen, not as much the colors as they all had bright colors on their manes and coats, but more the fact that humans had never before been seen in Equestria.

As the car parked, the man got out. He was about an entire foot taller than the ponies. All the ponies gasped and surrounded the car and man. Twilight gazed in wild wonder.

"What are you?" she asked.

The man turned his head to look her directly in the eyes.

"I," said the man, "am an everyday normal guy."

"Uh," said Rainbow Dash, "not in this town."

The man looked around at all the ponies.

"You got a problem, bitches?"

Twilight frantically tried to unhear what she had just heard the man say.

"Do you have a name?" she asked.

"Of course I have a name," said the man. "I am MC Vagina."

At this point, one of the ponies passed out. Glancing over in said pony's direction, Twilight hoped he didn't really just say what she thought he had said.

"Do you have an appropriate name?"

"Fine," said the man. "Jon Lajoie is my name, and sex is my game."

Twilight confirmed what she had thought from the moment she had met him: that he was a total pervert and she hated him.
"Um, Jon," began Twilight, "perhaps you could try not to be so... um... crude and... inappropriate around here?"

"No way!" said Jon. At this point he hit a button on a boombox he pulled out of the car earlier. Music started bursting out of its speakers as he continued talking.

"I don't take orders from females!"

Then he started talking to the beat, or rapping:

"Females are stupid and I don't respect them.
That's right; I just have sex with 'em."

At this point, the pony who had passed out earlier had woken up, but after hearing what Jon had just said, passed out again.

Jon grabbed a few more things from his car, that is, his guitar and suitcase, then he picked up the boombox and walked down the road to the hotel, rapping all the way.

"MC Vagina coming through!
Show me your genitals
Your genitals (what!)
Show me your genitals
(Your genitalia!)"

As the sound of the boombox and Jon disappeared, Spike asked, "What the heck is that guy?"

"I don't know," said Rainbow, then, much to Twilight's dismay, "but I think I like him."

Note: This chapter contains references to several Jon Lajoie songs, including:
Everyday Normal Guy
Very Super Famous
Show Me Your Genitals
I Kill People
If you haven't seen them yet, please do so before reading this.

Jon's Fashion Tastes

EDIT: Okay, I know this chapter's pretty much ruined since the pictures of Jon Lajoie have been removed. Fear not, I will replace them... and maybe monkeys will fly out my ass.

Jon Lajoie in Ponyville
by Kirb Hysteria
Chapter Two
Jon's Fashion Tastes

Twilight Sparkle paced back and forth in the middle of the street.

"Ugh," said Twilight. "This is bad. This is really bad. A royal guest of honor sent by Princess Celestia will be arriving soon, but we have this guy here to ruin it. Oh no. Oh no."

Twilight imagined in her mind the site of a royal, Pegasus-drawn carriage pulling in, only to find Jon Lajoie making fun of women and swearing profusely. She shuddered at the idea.

"What's this I hear about a royal guest of honor sent by Princess Celestia?" said a voice behind her.

Twilight turned around to see Rarity.

"Oh, hi Rarity," said Twilight. "I received a letter from Princess Celestia saying that one of her royal guests of honor will be arriving shortly."

"Oh my!" said Rarity. "I must get myself prepared to meet him or her!"

"But there's one obstacle," said Twilight.

"What is it, darling?" asked Rarity.

"Well, you see, there's this monster who has entered the town, he thinks he is better than everypony else, believes that mares are only good for sex, and is extremely vulgar and crude. And we can't have Celestia's royal subject coming to the town with... ugh... him."

"Oh no, this will not do, this just won't do."

"Guys!" interrupted Rainbow Dash. "I gotta go, I have to practice some more flying tricks. See ya."

The Pegasus flew off, leaving the two unicorns (and one dragon) alone to discuss how to get rid of their problem, by which I mean Jon, of course.

"So how do you think we're going to get rid of this monster?" asked Rarity.

"I don't know," said Twilight. "We'll have to get somepony to banish him from the town."

"Hey," said a voice. Both unicorns turned their heads to the direction of the voice, and who should be standing there but Jon Lajoie.

"You can't spell banishment without..."

The human glared at them over his sunglasses.

"...vagina."

Twilight facehoofed.

"Um, yeah you can!" said Spike.

"That's racist!" replied Jon.

"Rarity," said Twilight, "meet Jon Lajoie, or, as he likes to be called, MC... ugh... Vagina."

Rarity glanced up at the human.

"Oh my!" said Rarity. "Your clothing is just... marvelous!"

"Really?" said Jon.

"Oh, yes!" said Rarity. "I simply must make a version for ponies!"

"Rarity!" whispered Twilight. "You're getting side-tracked easily!"

"Cool," said Jon. "Are you a fashion designer? Because I have some ideas for the future of pony fashion that I want to show you!"

"Oh yes!" said Rarity. "Tell me more!"

The man and pony walked towards Rarity's house. Twilight facehoofed again.

"That kinda backfired on you, eh Twilight?" said Spike matter-of-factly.

Upon arrival at the Carousel Boutique, Rarity was eager to find out Jon's fashion tastes.

"So, Mister... uh, Lajoie, is it?" she asked.

"You can call me Jon," he said, "or MC..."

"Yes, yes, I know," said Rarity. "So, Jon, um... that's a rather weird name."

"I think Rarity is a weird name," said Jon. "Not to offend or anything."

"Oh, it's no problem," said Rarity, though what Jon had said did offend her. "So tell me, Jon, what are your visions for the future of pony fashion that you would like to show me?"

"Check this out," said Jon. He opened up his bag that he had carried in to reveal it was filled with clothing items.

"Oh my, whatever is this?" asked Rarity.

"Well," said Jon, "let's assume you're a male pony. A stallion. And you are fed up with looking like a regular, law-abiding citizen. You need to add a little 'bad boy' to your style. A little bit of 'dangerous.'"

"Continue," said Rarity. She liked where this was going so far.

Jon reached into his bag and pulled something out, then turned around and lifted it to his face.

"Try..." he said, then turning around and revealing he was now wearing glasses, "Rapist Glasses!"

Rarity was a bit shocked by this, to say the least.

"They make the everyday man look like a sexual predator!" continued Jon. "Ladies love the 'bad boy' look, and you can't get much worse than a rapist! And remember, you don't have to be a rapist to want to look like one."

He took off his glasses.

"So, Rarity, what do you think?"

"Um, well, that's..." Rarity was looking for the right word. "...interesting, but I don't think they will sell very much. So, what else do you have?"

"This next one," said Jon, "will require this picture." He pulled out a picture of him with a thick, scraggly-looking beard. "Introducing... Pedophile Beards!"

Rarity gasped.

"They give men that creepy sex face that women just can't resist!" said Jon. "Stop going unnoticed with your boring, 'nice guy' look and start scaring the shit out of people! Now when you walk down the street, people will back away and whisper, 'Watch out, that guy's a pedophile.'"

Jon pulled out another picture of him with a Pedophile Beard, but in this one he was also wearing Rapist Glasses.

"Pedophile Beards can be worn on their own, or they can be combined with our Rapist Glasses to give you that 'rapist pedophile' look that you've always wanted!"

"I haven't always wanted it," whispered Rarity under her breath.

"And check out some of my other products like..."

He pulled a trench coat and a hat out of his bag.

"...the Public Masturbator Trench Coat! And the 'There's Got to be Something Wrong With That Guy' Hat! These products are sure to put the 'sex' back into 'convicted sex criminal!'"

He turned to Rarity again.

"So, what do you think?"

About a total of ten seconds and fifty-five milliseconds afterwards, Jon found himself, his bag, his clothing and his pictures lying out in the street.

"And don't come back!" yelled Rarity. "You are an insult to fashion designers everywhere! You call that the future of pony fashion?"

"Yes, I do!" replied Jon. "Pony fashion in a dark, dismal future where raping, pedophilia and public masturbation are common!"

"Ugh!" Rarity screamed as she slammed the door in Jon's face.

"What a bitch," Jon said as he picked himself up.

Note: This chapter contains references to several Jon Lajoie songs and videos, including:
WTF Collective 2
WTF Collective 3
I Kill People
WTF Collective
Rapist Glasses
Pedophile Beards
If you haven't seen them yet, please do so before reading this.

I Kill Ponies

Jon Lajoie in Ponyville
by Kirb Hysteria
Chapter Three
I Kill Ponies

Still sitting outside of the Carousel Boutique, where Rarity had dumped him, Jon Lajoie stood up and grabbed his stuff. Just then, someone bumped into him. Jon looked and saw Fluttershy.

"Um, excuse me, sir," said the innocent little Pegasus.

"What?" said Jon.

"Well, um, you are in my way," stated Fluttershy.

"Well, I'm so fucking sorry," yelled Jon. "Where are you going? You wouldn't happen to be going to Rarity's house, would you?"

"Um, yes," said Fluttershy.

"Well, that's fucking good for you. Hey, could you give the bitch a message from me? Fuck you! Tell her I said that she can go fuck herself if she doesn't like my fashion tastes!"

The shy Pegasus backed away, tears welling up in her eyes.

"No offense to you," said Jon. "I only mean offense to her. Oh yeah, one more thing: could you tell Rarity that..."

Jon then hit a button on his boombox, and a beat started playing from it. He then started rapping.

"Rarity, I don't like it when you talk
'Cause that just means you aren't sucking my cock!"

Fluttershy said, "Okay," and then ran into the Carousel Boutique.

Jon began walking away, with his boombox still playing, singing a new tune:

"Vagina (what!)
Vagina (what!)
I want to have sex with your vagina (uh!)
Vagina (what!)
Vagina (what!)
E=mc Vagina!"

Suddenly, another Pegasus flew up to Jon, attacking him from behind. Rainbow Dash slammed into Jon, knocking him over and causing him to drop his bags and his boombox.

"Ugh," groaned Jon, getting up. "There goes everybody crashing into me again. Whoop de fuckin' doo."

Rainbow Dash landed in front of him.

"That wasn't nice, the way you treated Fluttershy!"

"So?" said Jon. "I was pissed off at Rarity for rejecting my fashion ideas! Haven't you ever been angry before?"

"Well, yeah," admitted Rainbow, "but I never take it out on my friends when I'm mad!"

"In case you hadn't noticed, I'm kind of new here, so that pony back there isn't exactly my friend."

For this, Jon got another kick to the face from Rainbow, who then took a fighting stance.

"In case you hadn't noticed, Jon, Fluttershy back there is my friend, and I am prepared to defend her!"

Jon got up and laughed.

"Ha! You think that you can beat me?" He hit another button on his boombox, which started playing a new beat. Then Jon started singing again.

"Well, beware, player-hater, because...
Guns don't kill ponies, uh uh!
I kill ponies... with guns (Pow!)
Guns don't kill ponies, uh uh!
I kill ponies... with guns (Pow!)"

He pointed a finger in Rainbow's general direction.

"Hey, punk-ass gangster, what you looking at?
You think you can front with me? You better watch your back
Because I have a lot of guns and I can shoot them good
I'm a menace from society, a boy on the hood"

"Wait, wait, wait," said Rainbow, confused. "What is a gun, anyway?"

Jon looked at her directly in the eye.

"What? What? You got a problem with this?
Maybe I should kick you in the face with my fist
Because on top of guns I know karate and ninja stuff"

"How do you even afford all this stuff you're talking about?!" asked Rainbow.

Jon answered her question by continuing his song.

"I buy a lot of expensive things because I have a lot of money
You can't afford expensive things 'cause you don't have a lot of money
Ha ha! You want these things but you cannot afford them
That means you're not cool 'cause you're just a poor person"

"Hey!" yelled Rainbow. "I'm still 20% cooler than you!"

Jon ignored Rainbow and continued with his song.

"When I show girls my money, they want to have sex with me
And they always have orgasms 'cause my penis is so big
Everybody knows that my rhythms are really tight
Like an extra large condom on my penis, that's right!"

During all of the previous verse, Rainbow had been trying to hide how funny she thought Jon was, but when he said the final line, she fell on the floor cracking up.

"I've killed so many ponies," stated Jon, "that I don't even remember how many ponies I've killed, but it's probably about seven... thousand."

Rainbow couldn't stop her laughter.

"Oh my Celestia, that is so funny!" the Pegasus said between laughs. "I think that might even be funnier than Pinkie's 'Oatmeal' joke!"

"Uh, thanks," said Jon. "I wrote it myself."

"You did?" said Rainbow. "Jon, I think I love you!"

Jon's facial expression turned stern, and he began rapping again.

"Love is for girls and gays
If you wanna hang with me, it goes one of two ways:
Either you have sex with me...
Or you have sex with me."

Rainbow couldn't control herself now as she started laughing again.

"Man, Jon, you're a hoot! I used to think you were just rude! But now that I know you, you're not so bad!"

She flew up behind Jon, but this time it was to give him a pat on the back.

"Keep up the good work, Jon!" she said as she flew away towards Cloudsdale.

"Wow," said Jon, a bit surprised. "I didn't know anybody in this strange town actually liked my songs, much less loved them."
He picked up the rest of his things and walked away, once again singing.

"Vagina (what!)
Vagina (what!)
I want to have sex with your vagina (uh!)
Vagina (what!)
Vagina (what!)"

At this point, Derpy Hooves, the mail pony, flew up in front of Jon.

"Excuse me, sir?" said Derpy. "Do you know what time it is?"

Jon answered Derpy, while continuing his song.

"What time is it?
It's vagina."

"Oh!" said Derpy. "Then I'm just in time for my mail route!" She flew away.

"Well, that was weird," said Jon as he walked to the general direction of the hotel with his boombox still playing the music.

Note: This chapter contains references to several Jon Lajoie songs and videos, including:
The Phonecall
Show Me Your Genitals 2: E=MC Vagina
I Kill People
If you haven't seen them yet, please do so before reading this.

Twilight's Confrontation

Jon Lajoie in Ponyville
by Kirb Hysteria
Chapter Four
Twilight's Confrontation

Later that day, Jon Lajoie exited his hotel room and walked down the street, whistling an unfamiliar tune to himself. It was right about then that he groaned "eugh." His hands clutched his stomach and he realized what that meant faster than you could say "vagina."

"Damn it!" he said. "I came in my pants. Again. Man, I thought writing a song about it would cure it, but it seems that's not the case. Guess a fly must have landed on my shaft again."

Then Jon groaned "eugh" again and his hands clutched his stomach again.

"Damn it!" he said again. "Now I'm hungry. I haven't eaten all day, except when I arrived here that princess fed me something. Man, I'm in the mood for a cheeseburger right about now."

He looked around. "Oh, but these are ponies I'm dealing with, so they wouldn't have any meat. And their main course would be hay, most likely, and I don't eat hay. That's just fucking perfect."

Jon was so focused on his hunger that he didn't notice when he went "thud" and bumped right into another pony.
"Ow!" said Jon. He looked down on Pinkie Pie, the pony he had bumped into. "Um, excuse me, do you know where I could find a good restaurant to eat at that doesn't include hay into its meals?"

"Why wouldn't you include hay in your meals?" said Pinkie Pie. "You silly filly, hay is good for you! Well, it's not good in cupcakes, unless it's a..."

Jon sighed.

"Look, pony, I'm a human, and I don't eat hay, and I don't exactly know where any of the restaurants in the town are, because I'm new here, and I don't know the layout of the--"

Suddenly, at the mention of him being new to the town, Pinkie looked at him for a split second. A bunch of emotions zapped through her during that split second, such as the realization that he's new, the planning of a party for him, and wondering why he looked so funny.

After that split second was over, Pinkie let out a loud gasp and then the pink pony that was once standing in front of Jon was now gone, and an explosion of confetti took its place.

Jon backed away. "Whoa!" He then looked around to find no sight of Pinkie. Wondering where she had gone, Jon called out "Hey, bitch! Where the fuck did you go?"

"Excuse me, Jon," said a voice behind him.

Jon turned around to see Twilight Sparkle looking at him angrily.

"Oh, hi," said Jon. "I was calling out for the pink one but I suppose you fall under that qualification too."

Twilight facehoofed.

"So we meet again," she said.

"Again?" said Jon. "Excuse me, but I don't remember ever meeting you at all."

"I'm Twilight Sparkle, remember?"

"Look, ma'am, all ponies look and sound exactly the same to me."

"I introduced you to Rarity, remember?"

"Oh yeah! You introduced me to that bitchy fashion designer! I remember you!"

Jon leaned in towards Twilight.

"Say, Twilight, a few seconds ago a creepy bitch came up to me and then gasped and disappeared. You wouldn't happen to know what happened to her or why she was gasping, do you? I mean, I just want to make sure she didn't explode or die or something-- not that I care about her or anything..."

Twilight thought for a minute. "What did she look like? Could you describe her?"

"Yeah, she was pink, about this tall, her mane and tail looked like she had been electrocuted, and she had a bunch of balloons on her ass. When she disappeared she left a cloud of confetti. What's up with that?"

"Oh!" Twilight laughed. "That would be Pinkie Pie."

"The name matches the description," said Jon. "So what's up with her? Why was she gasping?"

"Well," said Twilight, "she was gasping because you're new to town and she always throws a party for everyone new who arrives in Ponyville."

"Oh," said Jon. "Well, what was up with the explosion? And why was she talking so random?"

"Heh," said Twilight, "as we say around here, that's just Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie."

Twilight grew serious again. "But Jon, if you want to stay in Ponyville then you really have to try to be less vulgar, rude and inappropriate!"

"Ha!" Jon put on his sunglasses. He then started rapping, even though there was no beat to rap to.

"What? What? You got a problem with this?
Maybe I should punch you in the face with my fist
Because on top of guns I know karate and ninja stuff
So if you come at me I'll trip you, then I'll suck your nuts
I mean, I'll punch your nuts. Sucking them would be gay
And I'm totally not gay. I'm all about V-A-G-I-N-A
(What!)"

Suddenly, Jon found himself floating mid-air with Twilight's magic enveloping him so he couldn't move.

"Listen, Jon," said Twilight, "Celestia has a guest of honor coming into town today, so don't be vulgar and be less sexist or else--"

"Hey, I'm way less sexist!" said Jon. "I've totally refined my beliefs about women!"

"Really?" said Twilight.

"Yeah!" said Jon. "I think women are equal and they deserve respect."

"Well, that's nice, but--" began Twilight, but she was interrupted by Jon, who began rapping again.

"Just kidding! They should suck my dick.
Vagina (what!)
Vagina (what!)
I want to have sex with your vagina (uh!)
Vagina (what!)
Vagina (what!)
2 + 2 = Vagina!"

Using her magic, Twilight flung Jon all the way into an abandoned lot, where he landed in a pile of hay.

"Alright! Alright!" said Jon, rubbing his head, which was filled with pain. "I'll try to be less vulgar okay? Get off my case."

"Good," said Twilight, knowing that she hadn't injured him, but she had still gotten her message through.

As Jon got up, he tripped on a bunch of loose rocks.

"Ow! Phooey!" Jon said, trying not to swear for he knew she would only grab him with her magic again. "I think I hurt my ankle! Oh, yes I did. Aw, snapping turtle! Darn it! Pooey, cackass! Peepy poo!" He looked at Twilight. "Okay, I'm making a fool of myself. Can't I at least swear?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Fine, but you must keep it at a minimum."

"Right," Jon said, getting back up. "In the meantime, I'm f-- er, I mean, I'm hungry. Do you know where I can find a restaurant?"

"Just follow me," Twilight said, glad she had finally taught Jon to be civil.

Unfortunately, as she would soon figure out, it was a bit harder to do that than she had expected, and his pointless profanity was just the start...

Note: This chapter contains references to several Jon Lajoie songs and videos, including:
Dating Service Commercial
I Kill People
Show Me Your Genitals 2: E=MC Vagina
Pointless Profanity
If you haven't seen them yet, please do so before reading this.