Author's Note

For the sake of argument, assume Rainbow and Flash are just drunk enough that they more or less still know what they're doing, but they're not completely thinking straight and make bad decisions.

Just Drunks Parsing

A slender purple finger tapped against a camera lens, then drew back to reveal a purple hand, which further drew back and out of frame, revealing a girl with lavender skin, magenta-streaked purple hair in a high ponytail, and black-framed glasses. She wore a striped blouse and a pink bowtie, with a white lab coat over that.

"Good day. My name is Twilight Sparkle. Recently, I've taken an interest in behavioral sciences as I have explored the social dynamics of average teenagers in a safe, productive, emotionally supportive environment.

"After a recent...incident, the details of which are private and personal," Twilight squirmed slightly, her cheeks reddening, "I've decided to perform a study of the effects of intoxication on critical thinking skills. After considering a number of different potential experiments, I decided on one which is relatively safe and should have an...amusing outcome.

"For this experiment, I have selected two peers who are straight B students, average in every way, and had them drink two beers and a shot each. Now that they're both somewhat inebriated, I am going to have them play an old-school text-based parser game. Parser games have long been regarded as an effective test of critical thinking skills. How will a pair of silly drunks fare against a parser? Let's find out."

* * * * *

Rainbow Dash and Flash Sentry sat side by side in front of a computer with a wireless keyboard positioned between them.

"For the first part of the experiment, I had the two subjects spend approximately ninety minutes getting used to playing the parser game, as neither had ever played one before. Completely sober, they were able to cooperatively reach a point roughly a third of the way through the scripted adventure. At that point, I gave them a break and had them drink two beers and a shot each. Once the signs of inebriation set in, I sent them back to the computer. We're going to continue from the point they left off."

A block of text filled the computer screen.

The roadhouse smells strongly of goats, with a thick haze of tobacco smoke hanging in the air and a bitter coppery odor mingling with the smoke and goat smell. A long bar covered in dusty, grimy bottles stretches out to your left; to your right you see a half dozen rough wooden tables which sport various stains from alcohol, food, and other less savory things. To the north, a low stone arch leads to a room with a crackling fire pit. To the west, a locked wooden door leads to the private rooms. You also see a bartender, a one-eyed rider, and a bulldog.

Without hesitation, Rainbow Dash reached for the keyboard.

go north

The fire room of the roadhouse is much the same as the bar room, with rough, dirty wooden tables and a haze of goat-flavored smoke. Every table is empty, and the fire is slowly dying.

"Well this sucks," Rainbow said. "There's nothing to do here."

Flash belched, then took the keyboard.

go south
go west

The roadhouse smells strongly of goats, with a thick haze of tobacco smoke hanging in the air and a bitter coppery odor mingling with the smoke and goat smell. A long bar covered in dusty, grimy bottles stretches out to your left; to your right you see a half dozen rough wooden tables which sport various stains from alcohol, food, and other less savory things. To the north, a low stone arch leads to a room with a crackling fire pit. To the west, a locked wooden door leads to the private rooms. You also see a bartender, a one-eyed rider, and a bulldog.

You bonk your nose on the locked door.

"Dumbass," Rainbow snorted.

Flash grumbled.

unlock door
go door

You don't have the key to this door.

You bonk you nose on the locked door.

Flash let out an irritated snort, while Rainbow laughed. "We need the key, stupid," she said, yanking the keyboard away.

get key

I don't see that here.

"Huh? Where is it, then?"

look

The roadhouse smells strongly of goats, with a thick haze of tobacco smoke hanging in the air and a bitter coppery odor mingling with the smoke and goat smell. A long bar covered in dusty, grimy bottles stretches out to your left; to your right you see a half dozen rough wooden tables which sport various stains from alcohol, food, and other less savory things. To the north, a low stone arch leads to a room with a crackling fire pit. To the west, a locked wooden door leads to the private rooms. You also see a bartender, a one-eyed rider, and a bulldog.

"I guess the bartender has it?" Flash suggested.

get key from bartender

I don't see that here.

Flash growled. "Where's the damn key?!"

Rainbow pursed her lips. "Wait a sec. We're doin' this wrong." She took the keyboard back.

aks bartnder

I didn't understand that.

"Sonofa..."

ask bartender

What do you want to ask him?

"ARGH!"

ask bartender for key

The bartender slaps a thick brass key on the bar and scowls at you as if to urge you to get out of his face.

"Yeah, well fuck you too, buddy!" Rainbow said, flipping the screen the bird. Flash snorted, then typed.

take key
unlock door
go door

You take the key from the bar.

You unlock the wooden door.

You enter the wooden door.

You find yourself in an unremarkable hallway leading to a flight of stairs. Very little light filters in through the high, grimy windows.

go stairs

"Hey! My turn!" Rainbow cried.

"What? There was only one thing to do there!" Flash argued, sliding the keyboard over.

"Fine," Rainbow grumbled.

The upstairs hallway is dimly lit by flickering bulbs. Three doors stand along the left side of the hall. The furthest door is slightly ajar.

go door

You should probably open it first.

"Sonofa—"

open door
go door

The door is hard to open, but with effort, you manage to push it loose from its frame. It groans loudly as it swings open.

The walls of this room are covered in dingy, peeling wallpaper. Ancient curtains that haven't been cleaned in years hang over the window. Rummage sale lamps sit upon mismatched tables on either side of a full sized bed with red satin sheets. A young woman with long, curly brown hair is sprawled out on the bed, clad in purple silk lingerie that leaves very little to the imagination. A half-empty wine glass standing next to the bed beside a mostly-empty wine bottle suggests she has passed out drunk.

Rainbow pursed her lips. "Huh. What do we do here?"

Flash rubbed his forehead. "We're supposed to...meet somebody here, right? Wasn't that the clue?"

"Upstairs at the roadhouse, yeah."

"So it must be her, then," Flash said, reaching for the keyboard.

wake woman

You try and wake the young woman. She is too deeply asleep to be roused.

"I'll get 'er up," Rainbow said.

slap woman

You slap the young woman sharply across the face, leaving an angry red mark. She mumbles something in her sleep and rolls over slightly.

"Dang it!"

"Hmm," Flash muttered.

examine woman

The woman sleeping on the bed looks to be anywhere between nineteen and twenty-five years old, with long, curly brown hair, ruby lips, and generous curves. A lacy purple silk bra barely restrains her ample bosom, and high-cut purple silk panties emphasize the width of her shapely hips. A faint smell of wine and lilacs hovers around her like a shroud.

"Gee, someone was a perv," Rainbow said.

"Kinda sounds like Rarity with different hair," Flash said. He read back over the previous few paragraphs, then bit his lip.

take bra

"Dude, what the hell?"

You remove the sleeping woman's bra and stuff it into your pocket. Her bare breasts spill out, nipples small and pink and stiff.

Rainbow's jaw dropped. "What the—why is that even a thing?"

"I dunno, but I like where this is going," Flash said with a grin.

grab tits

I don't see that here.

grab boobs

I don't see that here.

grab breasts

You amuse yourself for a few minutes by wantonly fondling the sleeping woman's breasts.

Rainbow slapped Flash upside the head. "Enough."

"Oh come on, this is cool!" Flash said. With a leer, he started typing again.

take panties

You remove the sleeping woman's panties and stuff them into your pocket. She stirs slightly, but doesn't wake; she turns over and mumbles sleepily.

look

The walls of this room are covered in dingy, peeling wallpaper. Ancient curtains that haven't been cleaned in years hang over the window. Rummage sale lamps sit upon mismatched tables on either side of a full sized bed with red satin sheets. A young woman with long, curly brown hair is sprawled out on the bed, completely naked. A half-empty wine glass standing next to the bed beside a mostly-empty wine bottle suggests she has passed out drunk.

look woman

The woman sleeping on the bed looks to be anywhere between nineteen and twenty-five years old, with long, curly brown hair, ruby lips, and generous curves. Her breasts are large and supple, with small, erect pink nipples. She has very little pubic hair, and what little there is is neatly trimmed. A faint smell of wine and lilacs hovers around her like a shroud.

"When the heck did this turn into a porn game?" Rainbow wondered.

"Why won't this bitch wake up?" Flash wondered. "We've done just about everything but rape her!"

Rainbow tilted her head. "That's sick, dude," she said. "Maybe there's some like coffee or something around here, we should check—"

rape woman

As soon as Flash finished typing, Rainbow grabbed the keyboard away and snarled at him. "DUDE! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! UNDO, UNDO—"

You remove your pants and backpack, climb onto the bed, and rape the young woman. She is so deep in a drunken sleep that she is completely unaware of your actions. You might as well be forcing yourself on a rubber chicken. As soon as you climax inside her, she flops bonelessly onto the bed, still sound asleep, never having even stirred from her slumber.

You have now committed one (1) felony.

Rainbow stared, slack-jawed. "Huh?!"

Flash groaned, throwing his hands up. "I'm done," he said. "This is so stupid." He snatched the keyboard back.

yeet

"Oh, like it's gonna know—"

With a wild yell, you jump up onto the bed, landing feet-first on the sleeping woman's chest and abdomen. You hear bones cracking upon impact. You jump straight up and come down on her with full force, and her eyes fly open. She lets out a blood-curdling scream which doesn't completely cover the sound of her sternum and pelvis shattering, nor the stomach-lurching SNAP of the bed breaking underneath you.

You have now committed two (2) felonies.

Rainbow and Flash both stared at the screen, jaws gaping and eyes wide. "Holy shit," Rainbow whispered.

"Oh dude, what the hell just—fuck!"

"What the hell just..." Rainbow reached for the keyboard and typed:

look

The walls of this room are covered in dingy, peeling wallpaper. Ancient curtains that haven't been cleaned in years hang over the window. Rummage sale lamps sit upon mismatched tables on either side of a full sized bed with red satin sheets. A dead naked woman with long curly brown hair lies in the bed, her eyes wide open in terror and blood seeping out of her mouth. You also see a mostly empty wine bottle and a half-empty wine glass.

look woman

The dead body of a beautiful young woman lies on the bed. She has long, curly brown hair and a voluptuous figure. She obviously died from severe trauma, and appears to have been raped.

"Dude, what kind of sick game is Twilight makin' us play here?" Rainbow wondered.

"This is so messed up," Flash said. "I'm gonna have to get some guarantee of gettin' laid before I sign up for this kind of shit again."

"Wait, what?" Rainbow asked, blinking.

Flash snorted. "Really? I'm one dude who hangs around a bunch of hot chicks whenever he can. I mean, you girls are cool and all, but I put up with way too much of your bullshit for a guy who's been friendzoned twice now. I'm after some pussy. Twilight, Sunset, you, I don't even care anymore."

Rainbow stared at him in shock, cheeks red. "Um. Whoa. Dude. Okay. Wow." She shook her head. "That's...that's..." She frowned, looking at the screen. "Yeah, hard pass on that," she said. "I really hope that's the booze talking, or there's gonna be serious drama later."

Flash looked away awkwardly. "Y-yeah," he grunted hoarsely. "Let's just finish up this stupid game and get outta here."

A new message appeared on the screen.

You hear footsteps from below, growing louder. Somebody is coming upstairs.

Flash and Rainbow looked at each other.

"We gotta hide the body," Rainbow said urgently.

"How?" Flash whispered back frantically. "Shove her under the bed? There's only one way out and they'll catch us!"

"Well you better think of something, Mr. Can't Keep It In His Pants—"

"Will you keep your voice down?" Flash hissed. "Think, think—" He snapped his fingers. "The window!"

"What, just throw her out like garbage?" Rainbow whispered back. "That's pretty low, dude!"

"She's already dead, what's it matter?"

throw woman out window

You don't have that.

Rainbow growled in annoyance.

get woman
throw woman out window

You pick up the dead woman in both arms. She is unexpectedly heavy.

You heave the dead woman at the window. She smacks against the glass and flops to the floor with a loud thud.

"Oh, for fuckin' out loud!"

open window

With difficulty, you manage to open the ancient window. It creaks loudly as it opens.

get woman
throw woman out window

You pick up the dead woman in both arms. She is unexpectedly heavy.

You heave the dead woman at the window. She bounces off the screen and flops to the floor with a loud thud.

Rainbow Dash screamed. Flash grabbed the keyboard.

smash screen
get woman
throw woman out window

You violently rip and tear the bug screen from the open window.

You pick up the dead woman in both arms. She is unexpectedly heavy.

You heave the dead woman out the open window. Her body drops to the ground below with a meaty thud that carries up to the second floor. The branches of bushes below crash and crackle under her weight.

The footsteps are getting closer. You can hear muffled voices in the hall.

"Crap oh crap oh crap what do we DO?" Rainbow whisper-shouted, fidgeting nervously.

"Hide!" Flash insisted, crawling under the table. Rainbow started to follow his lead, then stopped herself, smacking her forehead.

"Dumbass!" she snarled as she crawled back up into her chair and began typing, face burning with embarrassment.

hide under bed

You slide under the bed. It's incredibly dusty, but there's plenty of room. The dust tickles your nose. From outside, you hear scuffling footsteps come to a halt.

"Tell me when they're gone," Flash whispered loudly. Rainbow kicked him.

"Get up from there, you moron!" She watched the screen expectantly as Flash emerged, rubbing his shoulder and wincing. "Let's see..."

inventory

You are wearing a khaki button-down shirt, a dirty red scarf, a thick pair of mustard yellow hiking socks, and thick-soled hiking shoes. A quick check of your pockets reveals a small battery-powered flashlight, a compass, a map, a journal, a ball point pen, and a packet of chewing gum.

Flash frowned. "Where's our gun? Our knife? All our other stuff?"

Rainbow facepalmed. "We took it all off when you decided to be a rapist," she said.

Two men burst through the open door. One of them begins yelling. Dread creeps up your spine as you realize your discarded belongings have been discovered.

Your nose is twitching from the dust under the bed.

"Oh crap," Rainbow muttered.

hold breath

You try to hold your breath, but the dust is too much. You sneeze violently!

"CRAP!"

A huge, tanned hand reaches under the bed and hauls you out by the hair. You find yourself face-to-face with a broad, incredibly massive man with wild, curly hair, dozens of tattoos, and breath like a fish market. He looks you up and down, bellows something about what you've done to his wife, then throws you violently to the floor. Before you have a chance to react, he presses the barrel of a shotgun between your eyes and pulls the trigger. Your brains, eyes, and assorted other bits of your head splatter all over the room.

It seems you have died...

Your adventure has come to an end.

"Oh, FUCK!" Flash snarled. He grabbed the keyboard and threw it across the room, where it hit the wall and exploded into a mess of snapped-off key caps.

"This is all your fault!" Rainbow said, jabbing an accusatory finger at Flash. "You and your stupid horny bullshit!"

Before a full-on fight could erupt, the door opened, and Twilight walked in, flanked by Applejack and Sunset Shimmer. "Okay, let's calm down and break it up, you two," Sunset said.

"Thanks, you guys, this has been...really educational," Twilight said with a cough and an embarrassed flush. "It'll, um, take me a while to...evaluate the results." She adjusted her glasses. "Oh, and for the record? You were in the wrong room the whole time. The next flag event was in the third room, the one whose door was ajar."

Rainbow and Flash fell silent, staring at Twilight, then at each other, jaws slack and arms limp.