To Bear the Weight of a Crown
Author's Note
I am forewarning that this story was fueled by a two hour binge of the song Chant of Immortality, repeatedly listening to Thought I'd Let You Know, and hearing I Waited For You multiple times. You have been warned.
To Bear the Weight of a Crown
Strength, resolve, diligence, and perspective. All things that Celestia needed right now, as she lay sprawled across her bed. She had been reading a letter from her former student, the now Princess Twilight Sparkle. It was short and to the point, and it had been just the words to tear at the barriers she held in place. Looking down at the scroll once more Celestia read the words again. Three simple little words that held the power of the sun itself - I miss you. A tear welled in her eyes and she wanted to scream in agony, the words exposing her heart. She wanted to write back that she too longed to see Twilight. She wished for nothing more than to gaze upon her visage, the flowing ethereal mane of purple cascading down the lavender coat. To see her and to pour her heart out to Twilight, professing all the feelings she had held inside for what seemed an eternity. She would be told the same and then their lips would meet and the burden she had borne would be that much lighter with the knowledge that she could be with the mare that she loved.
"No, it can never be," she chided herself for hoping, for wishing to be selfish. She had a country to run, ponies to govern, and she alone could bear the weight of the crown. Sure, there was Luna, but she commanded the realm of dreams and the night. What aid could she provide whilst she slept? Cadence had her own small empire to manage, not to mention having her hooves full with Flurry. Then there was... her thoughts trailed off as they came to rest on Twilight. Oh by the sun and moon, she could barely think of Twilight without her heart bursting from her chest. Fate could be so cruel. To present her with the perfect companion that she could never have. She was practically a monarch, she had no time for love and romance. Tears threatened her face once more when she heard a low, almost somber voice.
"Pining again Celestia? This makes, what, 12 days in the past - " Discord looked at a calendar he had materialized after appearing in Celestia's bed chambers, " - 12 days. You should really look into getting some sort of hobby."
Celestia could only sigh as she did not have the energy to scold him. "Please leave me Discord. I wish... wish to be alone." Her voice cracked as she spoke, lacking any regal tone at all. Her form slumped against the bed as much as it could without becoming one with it.
"So you can wallow in pity and self-doubt? I don't think so. You need to pull yourself together, and go tell somepony how you feel."
"Why do you even care?" spat Celestia, her words sharp as daggers. "Why should anypony care what I want, let alone the Spirit of Chaos himself?" She placed her head on her hooves and began to whimper almost like a wounded animal.
Discord composed himself a for moment before taking the letter in his claw. He read it and gave Celestia a quizzical stare. "What is that saying that all those romantics use? True love will conquer all!" He sighed heavily and his expression changed to a very somber one. "I have lived long enough to know that love is a powerful emotion. Believe it or don't, but I once had love many millennia ago. Do not let her slip through your hooves. How long have you had this?" He tossed the letter to the bed beside the white alicorn.
"Three hours," she stated without even looking up at him.
"Perfect," he said, and without another word snapped his claw. They appeared behind a bush and Celestia looked around and then up, realizing almost immediately where she was. She looked up to see a familiar mare pacing across her castle's north-facing balcony. She glanced over to Discord in confusion and he pointed back up at Twilight. She reverted to gazing at the beautiful lavender alicorn when she heard the voice of a baby dragon.
"Twilight, you really should get some sleep. We have a big day tomorrow. Cadence will be here in the morning to start planning for Hearts and Hooves Day."
"I know. I just need a few more minutes. I'll be in shortly," Twilight said, a hint of melancholy in her voice, "I promise." The purple dragon shrugged and left her alone, heading inside for his own bed. Twilight trotted to the railing and sat down, resting a hoof and head upon it. A tear fell from her eye as she looked up towards Canterlot. "Please, I... I need to know." Her voice broke as the words escaped her lips. Minutes passed, then days, and then years passed in Celestia's mind. Downtrodden and defeated, Twilight shuffled slowly back into her castle to rest.
A snap of claws later and the pair that had been silently spying was back in Celestia's royal bedchambers. The Sun Goddess, ruler of all of Equestria, had lost her composure. Her heart had both swelled and shattered at Twilight's cry and the dam that before had only leaked crumbled into nothingness. She wept uncontrollably until there were no more tears to cry, and even then she continued to try. Unbeknownst to her, another had entered the room and had conversed earnestly with Discord before turning a sympathetic gaze upon Celestia.
"Dearest sister, you must heed my words. No good can come from you denying yourself your own feelings. I am not so blind to be ignorant of your love for your former charge. You have found with your own eyes and ears that Miss Sparkle harbors the same love as you. Why still do you fight and wound thyself?
"I can not Luna. I alone hold the scrutiny of the public eye and it is I who have been a symbol to Equestria for far too long to think that I could throw all of that away for a selfish desire. I could not bear the public finding fault in me. I-"
"FOALISHNESS!" Luna shouted in indignant anger." Thou hast seen thyself idolized truly, but thou hast forgotten that which doth matter most." Stunned by her sisters words, and her tone, Celestia met Luna's gaze with imploring eyes. Luna drew a deep breath to cast out her anger before she dared to continue. "That which matters most is happiness. You have been down this path before sister. You grow to love your students dearly, but when they show signs of returning your love you shut them out. You become so distraught that it becomes taxing and mistakes are made. But there is one key difference this time my sister, can you guess it?"
Celestia remained silent, to the dismay of her company. She felt she could not speak for if she did, her sorrow would take hold once more. What had been different this time? Her thoughts were such a jumbled, incoherent mess that not even the Spirit of Chaos would have understood them.
"Oh, I am going to hear about this later," stated the irritated draconequus as he tightened his paw. He drew it back and then swung. A gong sounded as he connected with Celestia's muzzle, cartoonish stars swirling about her head. "Snap out of it, Tia!"
Her head pounded from the impact, but thoughts no longer raged inside her head like a hurricane. A stillness hung in the air as the situation before her came into focus. Discord and Luna stood before her with a multitude of emotions on their faces. Wait, Luna had asked her.... something. What had she asked? Celestia wasn't sure, though she had a feeling that it had to do with Twilight.
"I don't know," sighed Celestia, as she didn't actually remember the question.
"Twilight Sparkle, the love of your life, is an alicorn. She will live for as long as we and will be a Princess as we are. Are you prepared to cause her pain for 100 years, or a thousand? Perhaps your goal is 100,000 years. The others would have fallen to dust, but not she. She is also a fellow princess, so your concern for the public opinion is moot. Is there yet another excuse you try to lobby?"
"But do I even deserve happiness after all of my failings?"
Luna and Discord exchanged a look and Discord vanished. Luna sidled up to her distraught sister, draping a wing over the white coated mass as she sat. Her face nuzzled her sister's neck as she spoke, only just above a whisper, "Tia, normally I would leave such matters to our niece, but you worry me. Why must your failings prevent your happiness when you know how Twilight pines for you? You of all ponies know not even we immortals are infallible."
"But..." A deep blue hoof was unceremoniously shoved to her muzzle, cutting off the princess's rebuttal.
"Sister, do you truly forget to whom you speak? I punished myself for sooooo long after I returned and the nightmare I had become was stripped away. I tortured myself and I nearly put Equestria in peril a second time. Do you think me worthy of love?"
Celestia snapped her head to stare at Luna, dumbstruck by her question. " Of course, dearest sister. You have simply made a..." And the realization of what she was about to say struck her with the power of a thousand suns. Luna had made amends for her own misdeeds and so, in her mind, was indeed worthy of love. Was she truly so different? Surely she had made her fair share of mistakes, but did that truly matter? She had ruled this land with a gentle hoof full of kindness. The kingdom had prospered beneath her loving light. Her subjects were happy, so why had she chained her own heart? She knew the reasons but could not remember them, perhaps because they no longer mattered. She faltered for a moment, unsure of a clear course of action. A golden glow of magic levitated a scroll, quill, and ink.
"I believe I have a more direct route for you." She had been so startled by the voice that she dropped her levitation spell, items and ink clattering to the floor. Discord stood in the doorway with a sincere smile plastered on his face. Celestia was in no mood to ask why he offered his help and only nodded to him. He snapped his talons and like that... she was gone.
There was an eerie stillness as the princess stood before the enormous crystal doors of Twilight's castle. She inhaled deep, trying ever so desperately to dispel the lingering fear in her stomach. Her nerves were frayed and her eyes were sore from all the tears she had already shed. She wished for nothing more than to hold her former student... now the mare she loved. She had never before given in to her emotions in this way. Fate had a way of making her students near irresistible in the past, from Star Swirl all the way to Sunset Shimmer. Each and every one had played upon her heartstrings, forcing her to erect barrier, after wall, after rampart around her heart.
She shook her head to clear the thoughts away, realizing she had been standing there for at least ten minutes. She raised her hoof, hesitating only a fraction of a second, before solidly striking the door. It was very late, that much she knew, but she was unsure how much actual time had passed since spying on Twilight. Perhaps she had gone to bed. Celestia didn't want to wake her and she turned to leave, her head falling and ears lying flat against her skull. She was so stupid to have come at this time of night. Of course she had fallen asleep; as Spike had said, she had a busy day tomorrow. Halfway down the steps was as far as she got before a tired voice halted her descent. Her ears perked up and swiveled towards the sound.
"Princess? What are... what are you doing here?" Twilight asked rubbing the sleep from her eyes and trying to focus on the pearly-white alicorn before her.
"I... Princess Twilight I... No," Celestia muttered under her breath. This had been a mistake. She had to run, fly, teleport away. Her heart was doing cartwheels in her chest, any remaining semblances of walls washing away. She lifted her head slightly but did not turn to face Twilight. The princess's voice trembled as she spoke again. "I have a confession to make, dearest Twilight. I have been - " her heart jumped into her throat, making it even harder to speak, " - harboring affections for you."
Her ears flicked backwards upon hearing a short, quiet gasp. Both mare's breathing had become a bit ragged and forced. It was as if both had forgotten the need to breathe for the moment. Celestia hoped and prayed that this night would end as it so often had in her dreams. There was one key difference though. The effect of these moments would not end and be forgotten come morning. She took the deepest breath she had ever taken and spoke the heavy words that would change her life forever.
"I... I am, in love with you Twilight Sparkle."
She couldn't bring herself to turn around. She knew that Twilight held feelings for her. She had been assured of this when she had seen the lavender mare earlier that same night, but she could not muster the strength to face her. The fear she thought she had been rid of surged into her mind and heart. Breath came in fits and spurts and she found herself shifting back and forth. The silence was so thick, it was almost palpable. Ten minutes... Twenty... Sixty. Nothing. No voice to repeat the words back, no hoofsteps of a mare to come and comfort her, no touch to reassure her that she was loved.
"I'm sorry, I was foalish to come. I'll just leave in peace. I just thought you needed to know"
She ran. It didn't matter in what direction, as long as it took her away. Away from that place, that moment, that mare. She had been wrong, oh so very wrong. Tears stained her face as the ground fell away, her wings taking her up into the cold night sky. She flew for several moments before the voice reached her ears.
"CELESTIA WAIT!"
She gathered up enough magical energy and cast the teleportation spell.
For the third time that night Celestia found herself sobbing into her hooves atop her bed. Her heart was in pieces. She had exposed herself, yet not only were her words not repeated back, they were all but ignored. A shadowy figure shifted in the corner of her eye.
"You have a visitor dear sister." It was Luna standing in her doorway, with the same determined stare she had worn earlier that same night.
"Who could be here at this hour?" Celestia asked before the realization dawned on her. Luna appeared as if to be ready to speak when another figure strode past her into the light of the room. Sweat matted her lavender fur and her mane was disheveled. Purple eyes were tinted red and tear tracks could be seen above her muzzle. Her heart made a repeat appearance in her throat as Twilight Sparkle gazed back at her. Celestia cast her gaze to the marble floor, attempting to hide the sadness that must be apparent on her face.
"Ah, good morning Twilight." Her voice cracked as she spoke, "What is it that I can..."
She barely felt the magic moving her head when, lips. Warm, welcoming lips touched her own. Shock gripped her and she froze, completely unsure of how to react. She was incapable of forming coherent thought as the lips, that she assumed belonged to Twilight, broke their embrace with her own. Sure enough, when she slowly opened her own purple eyes, she saw another pair staring back at her. Her lavender face bore a ruby undertone and her mouth and even her eyes were smiling.
"I... but you, before." A hoof met her muzzle, silencing her stuttered words.
"You ran away before I had time to answer, before I could tell you... I love you too, Celestia."
Her expression instantly became that of confusion. Surely she had given her ample time to respond, to make a gesture, to do something. As if doubting Twilight's account, she cast an inquiring glance at Luna who still stood in the doorway.
"Tis true, sister. T'was no more than ten minutes after Discord had sent you that you had reappeared here in the castle."
"Twilight," - she said turning to the newest princess - "I am so sorry. I was so nervous, and fearful..." She stopped as Twilight's words finally dawned on her. Her eyes widened. "You do?"
"I have for a while now, ever since I took a student of my own," Twilight said nervously. "I realized how much care you put into raising and molding me, and I saw the love that you put into it. I was your faithful student, but i'm hoping that maybe I can be more than that." She met Celestia's gaze, face flushed with embarrassment.
Celestia raised from the bed and tentatively strode over to the pony that had filled her dreams for countless years. She drew on the last bits of courage she had left, and kissed her equal. It was a long, passionate kiss that told the tale of countless years. Years of love, years of waiting, and years of joy. And, just maybe, of years yet to come.
