Starlight Glimmer's Old Logbook

by Amethyst_Crystal

Rating: everyone
Tags: Starlight Glimmer, Adventure, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad, Drama
Length: 4043

Starlight Glimmer shares her old personal logbook with Twilight Sparkle.

Starlight Glimmer feels better about herself nowadays, for she has become a great student of friendship.
Her long and troubled history is behind her.
Yet it is also recorded in a personal magical logbook, for her eyes only.
Until she decides to share her dark past with her mentor, Twilight Sparkle.

Published 2016-10-22 14:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-10-22 14:30:01 UTC

Starlight Glimmer's Old Logbook

Prologue Letter

Dear Teacher Twilight Sparkle,

As you well know, there is much that I am grateful for. I have grown wiser under your tutelage, stronger with your direction. Were it not for your guidance, I would still be lost.

And yet, I have not always been gracious and thankful to my host. For a time my overriding feelings were anxiety and resentment. And before that it was guilt and shame. And before I was ever your student...

Princess Twilight Sparkle, I feel obligated to share my past with you. You deserve to know the shadows in my heart in more vivid detail.

It has been difficult to speak of my old days, and so I have decided to lend you my old entry logbook for your perusal instead. This tome reveals my most personal musings, all the moments I felt a need to preserve thought to recording since I first walked down my path.

Up until the day you offered your friendship to me.

Do not be wary of the book's ominous appearance. Its strange darkness and glowing patterns are to ward others by looks alone. A clever wizard would be further confounded by the safety spell. The book is sealed by a command, which I reveal to you here: “truth is my power”. Yes, it is a bit ironic nowadays. I haven't changed it though... I haven't looked in this book for a long while.

Please, read all of its contents. I am afraid of some of what you may find. Perhaps even most of it. There were many dark places I went in my heart and mind.

I have wanted to share for so long. But I had to wait. Now that I feel I've proven myself a worthy friend, I think it is time.

I hope it helps you understand me better. I hope you can forgive me for any pain you may feel.

Your faithful student,
Starlight Glimmer

P.S.: Please read my second note after you have finished. It awaits outside my study room.

First

Sunburst is gone.
He never cared.
All this time, it was just his magic.
I should have known.
I should have known.
Why didn't I realize. Why.

I'm so tired of being alone.

Oh. I should introduce my purpose in writing here.
This is my first entry logbook.

I need this. I am confident now, that I would go insane without it.
Do you understand, logbook? You must stay with me.

I will put in you the knowledge I need to be happy.
That is obviously the path I must take now.
To ensure that my happiness will never be taken from me again.

What is wrong with the ponies here? They must think I'm just another stupid filly.
They think I don't understand how terrible things really are now that Sunburst has a cutie mark.
They smile and laugh and say how great it is that Sunburst can become a great wizard.
My only friend is leaving me now, and nopony cares.

Why doesn't Sunburst say anything to me? Why is he only caring about that stupid mark now?
Now all he talks about is leaving as soon as possible.
He wants to go to Celestia's magic school, to become a great wizard.

Sure, that's wonderful for him.
But he doesn't even bother to ask how I feel. Doesn't bother to hug me.

Can't he tell I'm scared? I'm so worried, because I know I've lost my friend.

I knew he never really cared.
Even back then, he just wanted to practice magic.

My face is so wet from my tears, it makes me sick.
I feel so empty and alone.
Not that I ever mattered to anypony anyway.

Second

My parents are mocking me again. They claim I'm over-reacting, that everything will be okay.
Why would that be the case? I lost my only friend.

Obviously they just don't care.
They tried to give more excuses, but I have had enough.

I never needed friends anyway. I hate everypony anyway.
Why are they always happy all the time, what do they have to be happy about anyway?

Life is so full of danger and heartache and sorrow.
Horrors and tragedies and anxieties.
So many things can go wrong.
So many things do go wrong.

I would know as much as anypony.

There must be a way I can hold on to my happiness, forever.
I deserve it as much as Sunburst.

It seems that there is only one path to happiness.

I must follow the same wretched path.
I must become a wizard too.
Magic is my life. My only life, now.

Third

There's only one course of action I can take.
I must leave and train alone.

I may be quite a little pony still, but I am always underestimated.
Teleportation is already in my capacity, as is basic food preparation magic.
I've always gone out on little walks on my own.

Gradually learning, gradually teaching myself.
Why would I need anypony else?
I can easily fend for myself, thank you. It is easy if you try to learn.

There was never really a choice, because I have always been alone, after all. It's true, logbook.

Until... a couple years ago, when Sunburst opened up to me.
He seemed to notice me on my own one day.
He was very nice, very kind.
It felt so nice for somepony to reach out to me without prompting.

Even putting on my best angry face didn't phase him.
But maybe he just hated my face, after all.
Maybe he...

I'm going off subject. There is no need to dwell on the past.

There is much work to be done, and I must be patient and cautious.
Nopony can suspect my intentions.

Fourth

Escape. It is done. I have left my home village far behind me.

I thought I would be relieved, to be free of all my anxieties and obligations.
No more having to do what anypony tells me.
No more having to deal with being alone surrounded by other ponies.

But instead of being happy, I just cried again.
I am tired of my weakness. It is good that I will be much stronger, very soon.

The hot wind blew across my face. The stinging sands hurt my eyes.
It will be difficult to survive here, in this desert of rocks and sun and sand.
That does not matter though. I have made my home here.
I have sufficient data and knowledge for survival out here.

I had been planning to leave anyway, until that meddlesome Sunburst stepped into my life,
and onto my heart.
I don't care if the school teacher misses me either. Yes, not even her.

I won't even bother with any of their names anymore. I forsake them.
I forsake my family and my home.

They have all failed me.
I will not fail myself.

Fifth

Glowing menacing eyes. Shrieking screams of rage.
I thought I knew fear. But it was made real tonight.
Death almost took me. The beast was hungry.

But it is gone now, screaming into the night. I do not think it will dare attack me again.

This is power.

I was almost afraid of the dark nights, the ever reaching expanse of sky, endless rocks and dunes.

But now I am sure: I am in control.

These beasts hope to overwhelm me, like my old classmates in school.

I will not have it. I will show no mercy or quarter. I will not be denied my happiness.

Do not try to hurt me again, vast desert of ancient memories.

Or I may not be as kind as I was to my parents. I merely left them be.

I will not bow to anyone or anything.

Ever.

Sixth

How much time has passed? It is harder to judge the sun and moon once you stop caring.

I have made an oasis my sanctuary, my personal paradise. The local fauna come and go as I allow.

Unfortunately for the flora though, they must sate my hunger every so often.

Yet, it is strange, in a way.
I am superior to... everything.

Is this right?
Should I care?

Looking into the shimmering oasis pool, at my reflection, contemplating my visage.
I have certainly grown older. I feel almost beautiful sometimes.

But then I remember.
Beauty does not matter.
Only power matters.

My beauty is a charade, a facade.
Lies upon lies.
I hate looking at myself.
I hate thinking about myself.

Please.
Just be my friend...
Anypony.

Somepony out there.
You don't need to shy away.
Why do they always go?

I deserve it.
I will have friends.
I will.

I hate feeling so... empty.

Seventh

I had lost coherence of my mind, for quite awhile.
Drifted into madness, back into sanity.
Seeing things not here, hearing things not here.
Is somepony there? No. Nopony at all.
Not even the creatures dare to startle me, after all.
And nopony would ever venture this deep into the desert.

Many nights and days I would wander about,
pushing my limits in just walking through the boundless stretches of dust.

What is madness anyway? Just an excuse made in fear of greatness.

Looking into the water again, I let out a gasp of surprise.
How much of my life has gone without written word?
I was so clearly different, once again.

Why did I lose track of so much time?
Where has my mind wandered?

I smiled at my reflection.
No more wandering.
I have attained focus once again.

I understand now the importance of stress management.
It is vital that I keep my body in a stabilized state at all times, for maximum efficiency and survival.
The only way to manage my stress was by realizing my purpose.

My purpose is realized.

It is clear what must be done. I need friends again.
But I need friends who do not betray, who do not hurt me, or each other.

I have to make sure that I am treated fairly.

The humble truth is, everypony deserves fair treatment. I realize I am no better.

Everypony deserves friendship equally.
And I am the pony to deliver it to them all.

Eighth

I picked a random location to teleport to. Anypony is as good as another, after all.

There was snow everywhere, and staring at me was a pony with goggles and skis.
He was out exploring the mountain range alone, apparently.
The stallion gushes about what an incredible wizard I must be, to have come all the way up here by teleportation.

He is an arrogant fool. He thinks I don't know this game.
Be friendly, talk sweetly, play nice.
Pony games are not for me, though.

It is alright, I am patient. I know how to play along, for as long as necessary.
Besides, I could see the promise of a perfect vessel for obedience in him.

Already I am asking him questions about his mark.
Giving him good reason to doubt.
To wonder about his purpose.

It is then he questions the symbol of my perfect quest: the equality mark upon my flank.
I wear it proudly. It means more to me now than my own cutie mark ever did.

I want everypony to realize they can be equal to me.
They would all get the chance to listen to me and obey my knowledge.
I am enlightened beyond the cares of their world, after all.
I will guide everypony into equality.

Double Diamond, be glad you are to be my first true friend.

Ninth

This is wonderful.
Already I have four more true friends.
Double Diamond has proven to be a wonderful agent of change.
He understands perfectly why this is best.

So does every new pony who joins me.

They listen and they learn, they know I know the truth.
I show them the way, they learn of the shame and burden of these divisive marks.

They accept my truth, carried through the staff of sameness.
The ritual is beautiful, deep in the cavern, where they find their new selves.

It is too bad that I must hold on to my own power for now.
But it is the only way I can spread equality.

This is the only way I can spread my happiness.

Tenth

This is intolerable. There is no logical reason for her to feel reluctance.
I thought she wanted to be my friend?

Those tired exhausted eyes, staring at me. Her gasping breath, asking if this is really okay.
How dare she. How dare she hesitate, and condemn my gift.

I will not accept rejection of my friendship.
I cannot tolerate any deviation from my perfect utopia.

I locked her away in the new house for that.
She will have to listen to my therapy on sameness.
I will stay awake and invoke truths until she repents.

She should be sorry. She should think about what she's done.
I don't deserve to be rejected, ever again.

Eleventh

Our town has just finished constructing yet another home.
Already families are being raised in this beautiful environment.

I am pleased with how many ponies have accepted the truth of their marks,
how they have changed into their equal livelihoods.

So many smiling faces, and gentleness of hearts. This is how ponies should be.

Yet I remain troubled, for dissent stirs every so often.
Not even from new converts, but the older ones sometimes stumble back to the old ways.
At least listening to my wisdom in the repentance chamber helps them see the truth once more.

Everypony is so happy around me.
It warms my heart to see all these smiling faces.
Even better, no arguing, no conflict.

Nopony being left behind. Everypony together and happy.

I am so happy to be fulfilling my purpose.

And to have so many true friends.

I really am a good pony after all.

Twelfth

This is an omen of truth. I am glad the world is ready to prove my truth.

An alicorn princess has come to our town. I do not recognize her. I only know of Celestia and Luna.
Yet I know she is real. It is not possible to pretend to be one. Not to my keen magical awareness.

Her friends are rather disruptive however. I have not seen such a lively group of ponies in quite some time.
I will soon put an end to their nonsense, of course.

The alicorn princess, she claims to be here to solve a friendship problem.
She does not seem to realize that the problem is on her own flank.

So foolish. I pity her, and the other alicorns. So lost in their own empty selfish lives, praising their own cutie marks.

Yet this one, her cutie mark bears an uncanny resemblance to my own.
Not exactly the same, but too similar still.

Twilight Sparkle is her name.

She is polite and well mannered. She appears to be rather concerned over small details. She is a rather charismatic leader.
She is reminding me of myself.

The truth is, though I am pleased by this visitation, I am also scared.

She is not something I had anticipated. I must make certain to stay in control.

I will not be led astray by this petty outsider.

My friendship is real, whatever delusions she may believe.

Thirteenth

I am trembling with excitement.
That wretched alicorn is under my power now.
I will show her how wrong she is. She knows nothing about friendship.

I hate her. I hate her friends. How dare she disturb the friendship of this town, with arrogance and lies.
These agents of Celestia will stop at nothing It seems.
Friendship is only real when everypony has a chance.
Everypony gets to express themselves without fear of another crowding in, or overwhelming them.

They will understand eventually though.
Everypony always sees my way.
There is no escaping truth.

Fourteenth

It brings me no joy to punish my friends for daring to speak out against me.
I will not abide any dissent from perfect equality, Party Favor.
I am glad that I drew out the liar. Now he will be disciplined in the therapy room along with the outsiders.

At least there has been some small measure of success today.
I have already swayed the heart of the most gentle and kind of the intruders, Fluttershy.
I feel happy knowing she believes in my path. It will only be a matter of time before the rest do as well.

At least she didn't step in to investigate that crash last night.
I'd hate for her to have seen the mark beneath the mark,
and to have locked her deep underground.

Still, I must keep a careful watch on her. It is too dangerous to drop my guard just yet.

Nopony can understand why I do this:
I carry the burden of truth in my heart and mind, but not on my flank.

Fifteenth

It is not right.
What they have done to me.
I feel sick again.
The fear is closing in.
They all betrayed me.

They all betrayed me.
Every one of them.
They were never my friends either.
Nopony is ever my friend.
Ever.

No.
Oh no.
Oh I feel so empty.
I'm so afraid.
Please.

Why did it have to be this way.
Why.

Is my happiness so wrong.
Is my friendship so awful.
What is wrong with me.

Why can't they love me.
Nopony ever cares about me.
Why.

Sixteenth

Twilight Sparkle.
I will punish you.

You think you are the right path.
You think you know what the truth is.
You think you are my better.

No.
I fear you.
I hate you.

Your persuasive words, resonating on my friends, as effectively as my own.
Your charisma, your lying selfishness. How dare you.

You and your adaptive abilities, your tactical maneuvers.
How did you mimic that shield spell? How? You saw it once.
I developed that spell myself.
You saw it once.

Who are you? What are you?
Stay away from me, Twilight Sparkle.

I hate you. I fear you.

I will get you.
I will get you.

I'm so exhausted.
I'm so alone.

Why did you do this to me, Twilight Sparkle.

Seventeenth

I cannot grieve for my lost friends forever.
I cannot achieve my old purpose, not now.

I must have a new purpose.
The only logical purpose now, is to prove Twilight Sparkle wrong.

Only then is there hope to achieve my dreams again.

She cannot be allowed to spread her lies and recklessness across Equestria.

Friendship is not magic.
Friendship is equality.
She knows not what she says.

I pity her, but I cannot tolerate this dissent.

I must stop her, at any cost.
I am the true bringer of friendship.
Her mark is the false one.

Not mine.
Not mine.

Eighteenth

I feel vindicated, relieved.
I almost laughed out loud.

I have been shadowing and stalking Twilight Sparkle for some time.
It is necessary, to seek out a weakness in this dangerous adversary.
I can't have her mimicking more of my spells either.

Tonight though, has been most satisfying.

An old friend of Twilight's was forced into a wretched meal with the arrogant princess of 'friendship'.
Of course, they never really were friends after all.
Twilight proved nothing but how callous she can be of other ponies' feelings.

Moondancer left in a resentful fury.
I want to reach out and show her true friendship.
But I cannot let the pretender see me.

Twilight's eyes were filled with shame. I saw them.
Shame for being a false prophet, a lying deceiver, no friendship in her heart.
And then a flash of arrogance, as she teleported away,
probably to hurt that poor mare that wants nothing more to do with her.

Twilight disgusts me.
I cannot let this cruel alicorn continue her manipulative ways.

Nineteenth

I've made a few more long range observations of Twilight, collecting data as it suits me.
It is essential that I have enough knowledge on her personality, abilities, and consistencies.
I cannot take the administration of justice lightly.

Today was a new breakthrough.
I was worried I couldn't observe discreetly at first.
The beast known as Discord was there, and I know of that creature's powers.
Either it didn't notice me, or it didn't care. It was a risk to be exposed, but it turned out worthwhile.

Twilight's friends were discussing time magic.
Twilight absolutely forbade its use, warning it could have dire consequences.

The thought of undoing the damage she did to our town crossed my mind.
However, the pain of rejection would still remain inside me.

I did not stay long to glean her intentions today,
but it seemed almost as though she was crying out for friendship at the time.
She seemed upset.
In her eyes I saw loneliness, apprehension.
It was a familiar sight, one I've caught looking at my reflection.

No.
I cannot delude myself.
I cannot feel concern for my greatest adversary.

Perhaps I can undo her fragile ego, if nothing else.

Twentieth

That was terrifyingly close.
She almost saw me.
She almost saw how I got away too.

Her adaptational observational magic frightens me so much.
Anything I do, she will subsequently do, if given the opportunity to do so.
I must be careful what she observes.

But I know she didn't see me. She surely would have followed.
Now it is too late for her.

Attending Twilight's speech proved insightful indeed.
She explained in detail the keystone of her own friendship.
How all of them became friends due to one single event.
How they share destiny.

What trash. What foolishness.
They think they are special.
No. It is just cold randomized chance, nothing more.
No. It does not mean anything beyond her own smug contentment.

I will prove how wrong they are.
I will prove how Twilight Sparkle is not fit to be a champion of Friendship.
I am.

I am ready to enact my plan.
I am ready to defeat this cunning and dangerous monster.

She will never take away my friendship again.
Because I will take away hers.

You brought this upon yourself Twilight Sparkle.
Nothing is more important to me now, than stopping you.

I won't let you take away my happiness.

I will defeat you, Twilight Sparkle!

Epilogue Letter

Dear Teacher Twilight Sparkle,

I was afraid to re-read my old logbook for several reasons. I did not want to bask in the pain and misery and hate I felt all those years. I did not want to remember the way I used to feel about you, either.

I am sorry that I made you read all that. Not only might I risk causing anxiety with my written venom, but also sadness. You are ever the caring one, Twilight.

Please know that I hold absolutely no grudge or hatred for you anymore. You have proven time and again that you are the one who was right during that fateful confrontation. Now I am learning how to be a good and right pony for myself, too.

Thank you again for all you have done for me. I hope you perhaps understand me better now for having read through my darkest days. If there are any pressing questions or concerns you wish to address, I promise not to shy away from them. I shared the book with you while fully aware of your analytical mind.

There is one thing I could do to balance out the negativity of that logbook. I can offer to you my newer diary for perusal. I started writing in it as soon as I took up residence in your castle as your pupil of friendship. It is not always a happy book, but it gradually becomes more positive as you read along.

Perhaps you will enjoy reading a happy ending after that awkward cliffhanger. It was your fault for leaving it there though, thankfully.

Hopefully this letter helps put your heart and mind at ease though. A gentle conclusion before the next part of my story. I look forward to working on magic and friendship lessons again with you soon.

Your faithful student,
Starlight Glimmer