Happiness

Chapters

Happiness
Loss
Misery
Interlude
Discovery
Return
Poetry from Happiness

Happiness

Hello. My name is Rachel O’Connor, head of the cheerleading squad, brilliant student, passionate designer, and I have my own reality of which I escape into.

You see, my daddy didn’t love me (yes, I’m one of those, so sue me) and the first half of my life was a living hell. After that I was a foster child, which of course carries a lot of negative stigma. I was told I was worthless, made to feel as though it was true. I was torn to pieces and had to be sewn back together. I decided I didn’t want to live in fear of my peers. And so, I worked hard to become everything that nobody expected. I worked diligently to climb up the ladder to athleticism, to gain the popularity to be the best cheerleader I could be. Perfect hair, golden brown locks teased into immaculate curls. Perfect skin, tanned, not a blemish in sight. Perfect makeup, my blue eyes highlighted by beautiful eye shadow and mascara so that they strike wonder in the eye of the beholder. I worked myself to the bone to have perfect grades throughout high school and now that I am in college, I am working myself similarly to become a fashion designer. Everything must be perfect.

My secret? I look over at the group of people across the courtyard. My secret is that I have no real friends. I never have had any. And so, I created a reality in which I have the friends for which I wish. In this reality, I am Rarity, the perfect unicorn pony, who despite her negative qualities is generous and only wants to be loved, and will do anything to get that love. And Rarity has these friends: Twilight Sparkle, who was new to town from a big prestigious city called Canterlot, who was socially awkward and had no friends (maybe she was more of me, in reality, than what I made myself to be); Applejack, Rarity’s opposite, yet her friend none the less, a dear, truly honest individual with which there were always arguments; Rainbow Dash, similar to Applejack, but less honest, and more sporty- plus, she’s a pegasus, so she could fly and reach all of her dreams, if she just would believe in herself; Pinkie Pie, the bubbly one, who is always happy, truly happy, to match her exterior; and Fluttershy, the most graceful of ponies, but so terribly shy it would break your heart. All of these ponies, who, from my psychology classes, represent a small part of me that either exists or I wish I possessed. But the power is out of my control now.

I look at the people across the courtyard. The shy one, the brave one, the honest one, the awkward leader, and the happy one. I realize that it is these people, whom I have watched since they began to linger there, that truly inspired the ponies to become what they have today, not the fantasies of my childhood and adolescence. Oh, how much I wish I was really their friends. But alas, work comes first. Work, work, work, no partying anymore for Rachel. No fun for her either.
But we’ll see about that. Tonight I am a pony. I go home to my dorm.

Just one pill away from happiness.

Just one day away from bliss.

Each day is a battle, a torture.

Just one night to escape from this.

You always had to be the happy one,

The best, the smartest, the loved.

And yet, you never had any fun,

Nothing can change the above.

If only there was an Equestria

Somewhere in the beyond,

My life would be at peace.

I would be there at ease.

I would never leave.

Just one pill away from happiness

And yet your hand you can’t raise.

Because, if you’re dead

Can it truly be said?

That you will be happy then?

One pill away from happiness

That you may never achieve.

Just one life away from happiness

But this one, you'll never leave.

I get my stash and inject it into my flesh. Nobody will expect a thing. And I will be a pony for the night. Nothing can stop me.

It’s harmless. It really is. You’re just lying to yourself. It just relaxes me. Surely, if it’s legal in some countries, it can’t do any harm.

I could take the pill too. The pill of poison that I acquired from a source who only identified herself as Chrysalis. Would that be any better?

It helps me sleep, this heroin. No it doesn’t. When I sleep, I dream. When I dream, I am Rarity. Maybe, I’m really Rarity and I just dream this nightmare every night. You wish.

This time, I was kidnapped by Diamond Dogs when searching for gems with Spike. It was odd, since usually the dreams aren’t scary in any way. Yet I was terrified. The dreams never seem full, though. Always like a fragment, or a memory. The latter is surely a wish, not anything more.

As I walk to my first class, (my sewing class, thankfully, since I don’t think I could face anything else) there they sit in the same spot. Only this time, the leader points at me. She smiles, and talks to the others. They all look at me. Oh, how I truly hate when all eyes are on me. She yells something that I think my mind surely is making up: “Rarity! Get over here! We need to talk!” and it’s in Twilight’s voice. I walk faster, hoping to hold back the tears. How could she know? Perhaps I will confront her later, when I’m not already running late. Fat chance. But I want to! You can’t have what you want. You are WORTHLESS! I can’t stop these thoughts. I wish I could.

I absolutely adore my fashion design classes. I’m told I have a real talent and that it fits a need and desire that is often ignored in the current world of fashion. I hum a song quietly as I work.

Dressmaking’s easy…

Oh, what were the rest of the lyrics? I can only remember some of them. Oh, well, to what I remember, then. This is a test, you know. Each outfit says whether you pass or fail. But the more you stress, the worse you do. So…

Piece by piece, snip by snip

Croup, dock, haunch, shoulders, hip

Thread by thread, primed and pressed,

Yard by yard, never stressed

And that’s the art of the dress!

“Marvelous as always, Rachel!” the professor says when I finish. “This is the kind of vision that everyone needs to have to succeed in the fashion world! Just look at this beautiful color combination, the perfect stitching, and the unique design!” I’m torn between beaming in joy for praise that I so rarely receive (everyone expects perfection from those who have shown it, you know) and falling to the glares that I feel tearing into my flesh like jagged knives. I decide on trying to stay positive.

“Thank you Professor Earnhardt.” I smile subtly.

After class she stops me. “If you ever need anything, Rachel, you know that I’m always here, right? I won’t tell anybody anything that you don’t want them to hear.”

I blink. How could she possibly have noticed anything wrong? Today was no different from any other. But I smile again, a small, secret smile, not the kind that I constantly beam out to the world. “I’d like that, sometime. But not today. I’ll be late to my next class!”

“I don’t have any classes for the rest of the day. I’d be glad to listen whenever you are ready.”

“Thank you.” Perhaps the most sincere thing I have said to anyone in my life.

Dreary, dreary, oh, great, it’s going to rain. At least I didn’t do my hair today, I just pulled it back into a ponytail. Oh, the irony of that. My skin has lost its glow and has returned to its fair natural hue. I just don’t care anymore. No more fake smiles. Maybe. Maybe you’re just lying to yourself. Classes are over. I walk across the courtyard towards Professor Earnhardt’s classroom. There they are again, those five, do they ever leave? I think about going over to confront them, but I decide, not yet. I have a few demons to release before I can try to make friends.
I reach her classroom. I enter, and walk over to where she is sitting, waiting for me. “Now then, Rachel, tell me what you want me to know.”

I hesitate. It has been in for so long, it is hard to let it out. Ah, well, here goes nothing. I decide to be to the point. “I have never truly been happy.” I begin.

Daddy always hit mommy and me when I was a child. But when I turned thirteen something much worse happened. My father raped me. I was in so much pain, so terrified. He said he would kill me if I told anyone. But I still told someone. Mommy hated me when Daddy was taken away from us by the police. But I was proud of myself. All of those years of silence. But then, one night, Mommy stood over me with a knife. She stabbed my leg, and told me that if I talked she would do worse. But once again, I did. And she was taken away before she could. Mommy and Daddy were both gone, so where could Rachel go?

I was taken far away, where they would never find me. My foster parents were loving and only wanted the best or me. They eventually adopted me. That’s how they became my Mama and Papa. But I still wasn’t happy. I tried to reach perfection, by not eating much, working out constantly, always studying, seeking immaculate appearance, and just simply being graceful and beautiful. I reached this perfection, but I still am not happy. I am close, but I’ve never had friends before.

“But now, I think I do have one, in you.” I finish my speech. Professor Earnhardt is not very good at keeping a straight face. She is almost in tears.

“Rachel, I care about you. I would be glad to be your friend. But maybe you should set up an appointment with the school psychologist and get to the bottom of these issues. They are killing you.” If only you knew.

“Yes, well, maybe some other time. It is finals time, you know! Can’t take time away from that. Haha.” I laugh nervously. Her eyes narrow, but she nods. She knows she has no choice but to trust me. I give her a quick hug and rush out of the room before things get awkward. They always do with teachers. Like the ones I told about Mommy and Daddy.

I exit into the courtyard. They’re still there. Do they ever leave? I decide that it is time to approach them. I hear one of them whisper: “She must not remember, so act normal, like we don’t know her.”

That was odd. But I decide to approach anyway. Confront them. “Hello. I can’t help but notice that you are new around here.” I began, hoping to start a conversation.

“Um, yes, we’re, uh…” says one with a slightly gravelly voice, like Rainbow Dash in the dreams.

“We’re shadowing here! We are thinking about going to college classes here, and wanted to see what it was like. Most people aren’t very friendly, though.” Says the one who sounded like Twilight Sparkle.

“Oh, that’s just part of humanity around here. Where are you from?”

“We’re from Pon—” begins one that sounds like Pinkie Pie. This was really getting weird.

“We’re from New York! New York the state, not the city,” interrupts the shy one.

“Oh, I see. Well, I suppose I should let you guys go. Oh, right, I never introduced myself. I’m Rachel O’Conner.”

“I’m Teresa Simmons,” says the one that sounds like Twilight. She seems to be of Indian decent, from the looks of it.

“Jackie Apple,” says one with a southern accent, like Applejack. She is blonde with tanned skin and green eyes.

“Farah Stanly,” says the shy one. She is strawberry blonde, fair, and has gorgeous turquoise eyes.

“Penelope Potters!” says the exuberant one. Hair dyed pink as bubble gum, blue eyes, Caucasian.

“Rhyan Donners,” says the one with the gravelly voice. She is of atheletic build, slightly tan skin and brown hair.

“Well,” I say. “See you around?”

“Sure!” they say unanimously.

As I walk away, they start whispering again. “I think that that is Rarity.” “I just don’t think that she remembers her dreams.” “Not everybody does.” “We’ll talk to her next time.”

I walk off faster, still fearing that I am hallucinating.

Just one step away from happiness

This time it will be sincere

Real happiness can’t come from a pill

It comes from far and near.

Just one step away from happiness

I have no fear

My life is here.

Tonight there are no drugs. Tonight, I simply sew. I sew, then I read, then I watch some television. At about midnight, I drag myself to bed, exhausted. The first time in months that I have done such without drugs. I wake up at about six. I still had a pony dream, this time with the dragon, Spike, being overcome by greed and growing into a monster. It was a strange one, because I cannot figure out what it could have possibly have been an interpretation of in real life. Yeah you do, you greedy bitch. You were greedy to look for help.

Classes, classes, psychology today. Now the day is dull and dismal. Things are a little better than usual, though. There was a lot of relief after admitting everything I had been holding within for an eternity. They are there again, at the picnic table in the court yard. I wave at them, an acknowledgement of their existence if nothing else. They wave back. Onward to classes, then.

Classes pass without event, first psychology, then history, then math. I don’t know why I have to take all of these classes to be a clothing designer. I can see taking the additional cosmetology classes that I am taking, as a backup plan, but what good are those other classes without a degree? I already understand people well enough to be successful in either of my desired paths. The truth is that I really didn’t even care until today. I just did my work without a second thought.
I wander down the hallway, lost in my own thoughts. I collide with a guy, a dreamy man with blond hair in well kept spikes, and I drop my books. His green eyes are mesmerizing, and I catch myself staring. “I’m sorry,” I say.

“Oh, no, that’s alright,” he says. “Are you alright, though?”

“I’m perfectly fine. Are you alright yourself?”

“I’m fine so long as you are. Here, let me help you with your books.”

And so, I let him help me with my books. We chat a little more, idly, flirt a little, and end up having lunch together at the cafeteria. I mentally slap my head for going back to my old ways of pushing the charm. But, I realize that I didn’t use any of my old tricks. Does that mean I wasn’t being manipulative? Probably you still were. Oh, go away you lousy thoughts. I don’t need you anymore. Anyway, his name is Draco Johnson, but his nickname is Spike, which is very odd, of course, because there is a little dragon named Spike in my dreams. But, I digress.

“Is something wrong?” Spike asks

“Hmm? Oh, no, no. I’m alright. Just... thinking I guess.” Did I sound like I was lying? It’s hard to tell when you have been lying for so long. Maybe I am just getting used to telling the truth again.

“You aren’t eating,” he says, stating the obvious.

“Oh. Sorry. It’s just that…” Do I give away a secret that I hadn’t told a soul until last night out just like that? Yes. Yes I will. “I just started eating again recently. I didn’t really eat anything ever other than protein shakes and bars. Just have to pay attention to eat.”

He seems concerned, but not disgusted. That’s a good start. “It’s okay. I’m just glad I thought to ask, then.” He’s a good three or four inches shorter than me, and a few years younger, but he seems to be very perceptive and honest. We finish our meal.

“This might be a strange question, but why is your nickname Spike? Is it just the hair?”

“Uh, yeah. Nothing to special about it.” He seems to be lying, but whatever.

“Alright. I’m going to go back to my dorm now. Have a good day, Spike. Hope to see you again?”

“Yeah. How about we meet here for lunch again tomorrow?”

“I’d like that.”

I went out and bought a box of hair dye. I’m a cutting edge fashion designer now, and I have no obligations. Why shouldn’t I dye my hair purple? So what if it is partially because of my silly dreams where I am a pony. It also just seems so right. Still, I worry. I’ll just do highlights. Then it will just be a style statement, not some kind of weird sudden thing for me. Don’t want people to think much of it. I notice that my negative thoughts are now absent. Excellent!

One step away from happiness

Now you have some friends

They wish to be there for you

Let’s hope this never ends.

They were in the courtyard again. I am really wondering if they ever leave. It’s almost night time. I’m glad they are still here though. I walk up to Teresa, who seems to be the leader. “Hey again. Would you guys like to hang out sometime?” I ask hopefully.

They have an exchange of glances. “Sure! Why not now?”

“Uh, people in the dorms aren’t allowed to leave campus after dark…” I say.

“Can we hang out at your place?” asks Penelope.

“Penelope!” the others all whisper harshly.

Um, no! “I’d rather not. Sorry. It’s just that I don’t know you.”

“That’s okay, Rari— I mean, Rachel. Penelope needs to learn that not everyone is as quick to trust as she is. You have a right you your own privacy,” says Teresa.

Farah begins quietly, “Why don’t we meet for dinner at the diner tomorrow?”

“I’d like that.” I say.

The others nod in agreement.

“See you then!” Very strange indeed.

No drugs again, but now I can feel the withdrawal. I am shivering. I just try to sleep. The weirdest dream ever this time. Some monster called Discord. He laughs at me as I am filled with greed. It pains me to sleep any longer after that nightmare, and luckily, though earlier than I would usually get up, it is morning. None of those strange thoughts? Neat.

I enter the courtyard, heading out for a run. They are gone. That answers that question. Instead, Spike sits under a tree strumming idly on a guitar. The music is beautiful, at least to my ears. I walk over a clap quietly, smiling a true smile.
He is startled, and misses a note in the song before stopping and looking up at me. “Oh, hey Rachel.”

“Hey.” I feel self conscious, as I am wearing only sweats and tennis shoes. Then again, I don’t look any worse than yesterday. I still had no makeup and had done nothing to my hair.

He smiles. “You look nice.” I suspected sarcasm at first, but he seems completely sincere.

“You are very good at the guitar.” I am ignoring his comment, though I am flattered.

“Thanks.” We stare at each other for a moment. “I like your highlights.”

“Thanks! I was worried what people would think!” I say, suddenly animated. “I think that they are simply exquisite!”

He grins hugely, but says nothing more about it. After a minute he asks, “Going on a run?”

“Yeah,” I say. “Would you like to come?”

So we go for a run. He walks me to class, carrying my books. I think he might have a thing for me. I hope that what I do next is alright. “I’m going to dinner with a few new acquaintances. Would you like to come as my friend?”

“You must have met them really recently if they are acquaintances and I’m a friend. I mean, I think of you as my friend even though we just met, but still! And I’d love to come to dinner with you.”

And so, we progressed each on our own directions. Cosmetology class today, so I enjoy it. Evening comes soon. I meet Spike at the courtyard and find that the group is there as well, across the yard. We walk up to them. I speak. “I hope it’s alright that I invited my friend?”

They all stare for a moment, looking at Spike’s eyes. Finally it is Teresa that speaks. “Yeah, it’s fine. Not a problem at all.”

Spike introduces himself as Draco, but reiterates that he prefers Spike. They all nod in acceptance and we proceed to the diner. It is very crowded, which is good when you are around new people. Now we are just talking, having fun, relaxing. Then, they all look at each other. Once again, it is Teresa who speaks.

“Would you guys happen to have dreams in which you, Rachel, are a pony named Rarity, and you, Spike, are a dragon?” I’m in shock. How can they know such a thing. It’s quite obvious that they all know. “Because, well, you see…

“We all have the same dreams. We live near each other, so we know of them. We’ve known each other every since we were little. I’m sorry if this whole thing is coming as either a shock or sounding crazy.”

“Oh, that’s perfectly all right. Just a bit odd. I… I do happen to have dreams in which I am a pony named Rarity.” I pause. “I’m sorry if that freaks you out, Spike, but it’s the truth. I’m tired of lying about my entire life.”

“It’s okay, Rachel. That’s where I got the nickname. Spike, the dragon.”

“Well then, I guess we’re all here!” Penelope says, bouncing in her seat. The others all nod.

Teresa once again speaks. “I have found a spell that can take us to Equestria. You guys are the one factor that decides whether we do it or not. We want your friendships, no matter what. If you don’t want Equestria, then at least we have each other.”

“Yeah. Whatever you feel is right.” Jackie smiles.

“Yeah. It would be really cool if you say yes, though.” Says Rhyan. Farah just nods.

Penelope grins so that it looks like her face will split in anticipation.

Spike says, “Whatever you want Rachel. I’m never leaving you. No matter what happens, I will always be here for you.” He looks completely sincere. “It feels like I’ve known you forever.”

I am shaking from withdrawal, or at least that’s what I tell myself. “No. I don’t want to leave this life. I’m just starting to enjoy it, and I won’t change my mind.” Penelope seems to literally deflate, but I won’t change my mind. All of them but Spike look sad and disappointed, but I won’t change my mind. “My life is here.”

Everyone says their good-byes. They leave addresses and phone numbers. I tell them that I will likely move to New York on my own, as a designer. Spike promises to join me when the time comes.

He takes me home. He hugs me tight. “See you tomorrow at lunch?”

“I’d like that.”

I wonder if perhaps they might have presented it that way so as to not scare Spike and I so we wouldn't be influenced by fear. It was unlikely that they spoke of a real Equestria that they may have come from. Even if there was, there was surely no way that I was Rarity. Perhaps another day, later on, when things get bad again, as they are wont to do.

I go to bed. I am shaking. I throw up. Withdrawal. But I am finally happy. I cry. I am in love, and I am finally, for the first time, happy.

Now I have reached true happiness

I have no fear

My life is here.

Loss

Hey. It’s me again. Rachel O’Conner. It’s been awhile. It is summer break now, and I have been hanging out with my new friends, Spike, Teresa, Penelope, Farah, Rhyan, and Jackie, a majority of the time. I still haven’t changed my mind on Equestria, and I’m starting to get annoyed at the girls, as they are pushing me towards it. They seem in a rush. I want them to tell me what’s going on, but whenever I ask, they just act like nothing is wrong and I don’t want to come off as pushy as they seem to be towards me. They told me that Equestria was my choice, and if it’s otherwise, then I don’t want it to be kept from me. If there’s some pressing matter, why don’t they just tell me? Oh well. I guess that that’s just part of having friends, right? There are going to be some secrets, and there are going to be times when I feel insecure about myself due to what I’ve been through. There’s just no way around it, is there? Oh, I don’t know. I’m not good at this whole real friends’ thing. It just confuses me.

The only person who has been supportive of my non-Equestrian decision is Spike. He is a doting, loving individual who truly seems to care about me, but I suppose that I could just be employing wishful thinking in that department. Maybe not, too. I’m trying not to be so negative. I thought having friends would help, but with the way that they have been treating me, I only seem to be more so. I wonder if they know that they are having this effect on me. I would venture to say that they don’t, since I don’t see the ponies that they represent being so cruel. Never would Twilight, Fluttershy, Pinkie, Applejack, or even Rainbow Dash hurt me purposely. I just wish that they trusted me enough to not hide anything important from me. And this does feel like it’s important.

At least, as I said, I have Spike. But sometimes, that just isn’t enough.

I’m in a dark place
Where I thought I’d never return.
I’m in a dark place.
I fear I’ll never learn.
I must hold on.
I can’t let go.
For everyone
I know.

I don’t think that I’m going to get out of bed yet. Oh, look, there’s a message on my phone. Call this number. Usually I wouldn’t, but somehow, this feels important. I call the number.

So now, here I am. Home. Mama and Papa loved me very much. But now they are gone. They went to the great beyond, where they can travel the world in peace and safety. I only heard a few days ago that they were gone. They had gone on a cruise to do just that: travel the world. They had gone on such voyages before. Only this time, they mysteriously disappeared from the ship. Their voyage done, they are assumed to have fallen off the ship to their deaths. They left a will, and the lawyers are looking at it, but it is already known that they left the house to me. Yet, I cannot bring myself to enter it now and see it without Mama and Papa there. There will be no cookies in the oven, baking for my visit home. The television will not be on, blasting sound out so loud that it can be heard through the front door, with Papa sitting there watching a football game. None of the things that made it home for me will be there without Mama and Papa.

Part of me maintains hope that somehow they are safe and sound, just lost. But the other part of me knows that more likely truth that they died a terrible and tragic death.

The others don’t understand. They can’t understand. They aren’t the ones that lost the two most important people in the world to them. They have never lost anybody except maybe a great aunt or uncle. They have people who love and cherish them. But without Mama and Papa, I have no family. And friends just aren’t the same. All I have are biological parents locked up in their respective jail cells that are the reason that I’m part of the Witness Protection program. Part of me feels that my life is over. I can’t believe that I was so depressed before. Now that I actually have a reason to feel so depressed, I am so tired of living. If it weren’t for Spike… I don’t know what I would do.

The longer we get to know each other, the more and more he is becoming like a brother to me. I thought that I was in love with him. Don’t get me wrong, I still love him, and I’m not sure where our relationship is going. We haven’t dated or anything, so who knows how I really feel for sure? As for our other friends, they try to be supportive, but they have that secret looming over their heads. And they keep pushing for Equestria. Can’t they see that I just need some time to live life for what it is now? But alas, I can’t make people think things that they don’t want to think. They believe what they believe, and I don’t want to change that. They just don’t understand.

That’s why I wanted to come here alone. I didn’t want them to be looming over my shoulder. Spike is supposed to come and check on me, soon if my watch is correct. I don’t have much more time for myself. Funny, isn’t it? I was so tired of being alone, but now that I have friends, I would like to have some time to be alone? Ah, well, that’s just life. I hear a car coming. Probably Spike. He will be surprised that I didn’t even go into the house. He tries to understand, but he can’t. He can more than the others; he had a foster mother as well; but nonetheless, he never lost said relative. It is he. I climb into the car, and we travel back to the hotel. There is nothing to say, so nothing is said.

Tired, groggy, I had nightmares last night. Of both pony and non-pony variety. The worst one involved my biological father climbing in my window, killing me, and slowly dismembering me as I watched from above. The worst of the pony ones was once again Discord, only this time, he had the same voice as my father.

I only woke up because my phone was ringing. It proved that my dreams had some truth in them.

My father was out of jail, having escaped. He had been out for more than six months. He was living under the guise of one Mr. Roy. I only was informed of his escape in the first place because he had been arrested and escaped again. It wasn’t the police that told me. It was Teresa, who had been attacked by him on the campus of her school.

I hate it when nightmares are true.

Shivers, shivers, cravings, cravings, all come with fears and recovery from addiction. I went back to the house today. I decided that even though the good memories aren’t here anymore, I’m moving back in. I invited the rest of the gang to stay in the remaining bedrooms and living room, so that they could save on hotels. I just don’t feel safer anywhere else in the world but here. This is one of the moments that I wish that there was really an Equestria, where nothing ever happened that was worse than a hydra on the loose. Even villains like Discord and Nightmare moon didn’t really wish anypony harm; they just wanted to have control of things, or in the case of Discord, for there to be no control to anything. I suppose that Chrysalis may have wished actually injury on the ponies, but it was just part of her nature, not a true malice. Here, things aren’t so nice, bright, and shiny.

It’s ironic, really. Here I am in the one place in the world where I feel safe and I’m still terrified of my own shadow. It’s all just too much. My parents disappearing, followed by the news of my father’s escape. Strange, I wonder if there could be some kind of connection there. Surely I’m just creating unrealistic scenarios due to stress. Yes. Stress. Let’s blame it all on that. I haven’t shed a single tear. It makes me so proud.

Spike’s taking the rest of the girls to the bowling alley. I declined, on account of how tired I am. Part of me is afraid to be alone, while another part craves it. Ah, loneliness, thou art a strange mistress. They aren’t going just yet. Penelope still wants to do a check over of the house, and tells me that if her Pinkie Sense acts up, she will let me know immediately. Teresa is reading online about how to bowl, as she has never been. Farah is only going because I insisted. Rhyan is going to compete with Jackie, and vice versa. Spike is only going long enough to drop them off, but it still gives me a short while to myself.

The bowling alley is a good twenty minute drive from here. Of course, there would be the drive back. On the return to pick them up, I would go with Spike and we would go out for dinner, where everybody will know me and say hello. If they know me without makeup on, that is. Which is why I’m dreading it. It’s also why I decided to skip the bowling alley all together.

“Ya sure you’ll be alright here by yourself, Rachel?” asks Jackie.

“I’ll be fine. I’ve been by myself before, now’s no different, really.” Maybe just a little. I’m pretty afraid. But I’m not going to tell anyone that. Nothing’s going to happen.

So they leave. And I wander the house, looking at all of the pictures, visit each of the three bedrooms, remembering the times that I played in each of the rooms. I look at my own bedroom, and how it’s changed over the years. Once it was a preteen’s haven, complete with a caution sign, but was still the delicate blue that it is today. I look at my old sewing machine. I look in the living room, at all the furniture that life was lived on. I’m reliving all of the good times, trying to ignore the bad. But it really is pretty difficult when the bad stands out more than the good, as in times like these. What would you do if your world kept falling apart, exactly when you thought that things were going to get better?

Of course it is bound to happen. I thought that I had banished those thoughts forever. But I guess that I couldn’t have been more wrong. I’ll never go away completely. You just have to learn to live with me. You aren’t trying to drag me down anymore? I never tried to drag you down. You wanted dragged down. I am you. Then how are you separate? I’m something that you created to protect yourself. I have always just been here to help. Even if helping you was really hurting you. I don’t understand. I’m sorry. I’ve always been sorry.

I’m in a dark place.
I know I’m not alone.
I’m in a dark place.
No matter where I go.
I must hold on.
I can’t let go.
For everyone
I know.

Nothing happened. I said so. Of course.

I look up. It is, indeed, Spike coming back. But he is the van, but he is not alone. The rest of the gang is with him. He was supposed to drop them off. They get out of the car. They look sullen, as though they have something terrible to tell me. Never a good sign, that. I walk over. “Is something wrong?”

“No. We’re just scared for you.” Spike sounds sincere, and has a slight look of smugness in his eyes. He must have had a talk with them. “But, they do have something to tell you.”

“Well,” begins Teresa. “We’re running out of time.”

“Oh.” I knew it. Back to the Equestria stuff.

“Ya see, Rachel, a good friend of mine is back home waitin’ on us to go back to Equestria,” Jackie begins. “She’s in danger. Last time I saw her, they were talking about having a regular ol’ witch hunt for her.”

“Umm… Equestria was real, Rachel,” Penelope says, not looking like her bright and cheery self. “And her friend Tracy maintained her unicorn powers even here. She got caught using them, and now the town is scared of her. We’re afraid that they might want to see her dead.”

Rhyan mutters, “Not that that would be such a bad thing.” Farah punches her in the shoulder, which is surprising, given, of course, that she’s Fluttershy. I guess that that’s New Fluttershy showing through.

“If this is a joke, it’s a sick one.”

“No, Rachel. They have me convinced. For one thing, they showed me this.” Spike holds up a newspaper from a small town. Right there on the front page was “Tracy Lovegood, accused witch, has been spotted at Sweet Apple Acres.”

“Why have you been hiding this from me?” I ask, indignant. I’m beginning to lose my cool. First my parents, now this? “How dare you! You’ve been pushing me towards something that I told you I didn’t want without giving me any reason. I asked several times, but you just told me that it was nothing! All I asked for was the truth! An honest to goodness truth. And if it is that Equestria was real, then shame on you all! You told me it was a dream! If I had known that it was true, I would have given you a different answer from the beginning!” They just stand there, listening to me rant. “Not to mention that you didn’t tell me that I was endangering someone by making my decision! Shame on you all! I can’t believe this! From my own best friends in the entire world!” They stand there with straight faces, not seeming to care that I yelled at them, as though they felt that it was justified. And they are probably right. I have every reason to be mad. But they don’t say a word. “Explain yourselves! Don’t just stand there like you are stupid! Never mind, there is no explanation that would be logical!”

“Rachel, we know that you’re upset, but we need you to understand that we need your help. We need the Elements of Harmony.” Teresa finally seems phased by what I was saying.

“Well, it’s just a good thing that I’m the Element of Generosity, because I am being very generous to help you out after all you’ve done! You’re lucky that I don’t decide to leave you all and say good riddance! You should be ashamed of yourselves! After all we’ve been though, you are just willing to risk throwing our friendship away by lying? Just because you found out that my memories weren’t as strong as yours! Just because I have had a hard life where yours were comparatively a walk in the park! You have problems too, you know? I don’t treat you any differently because of them!” I feel the tears start to run down my face and hear my voice start to break. I feel betrayed.

The buildup of emotion is just too much for me. Losing my Mama and Papa. Finding out that my real father is out of jail. Realizing that my life could be in danger. And yet, here they are, still hiding this from me. My own friends. After all that we’ve been through in Equestria, they throw it all away because of some memories of this life that may be fiction. But they are real all the same. It just makes no sense to me. I open my eyes when I feel arms around me, from two sides. Spike on one, Farah on the other. I am tempted to shove Farah away. Fluttershy or not, she was hiding this information the same as the others. Instead, I allow the hug and hide my face in my hands. Lucky I haven’t been wearing makeup. I’m too much of a wreck to be Rarity right now. Nobody tries to say anything. They don’t know what to say. What could they say? But I still want them to say something so badly. I go to the house and let them in before going to my old bedroom, slamming the door, and crying myself to sleep.

I must hold on.
I can’t let go.
For everyone
I know.

I know what I need to do. I need to go out there and face it. I need to go out there and say that I want Equestria. Even though I don’t want it.

Misery

Time to get out of bed then. I suppose I knew that this was coming. But I figured that it would be years down the line before I decided that I wanted to give Equestria a chance. I figured that I would have been on drugs again, a failure in the fashion industry, heartbroken, and lonely as hell. Anger and confusion are all that I have now. There is so much in this world that I love, yet it seems to be falling off the walls of my sanity and shattering into pieces in front of my eyes. This reality that I’ve created, torn to pieces and thrown to the side like a bad garment.

I’ve lost my parents, the only thing that used to keep me going. My friends kept a secret from me that could be pivotal in not only my life, but the lives of all of us. I don’t understand how anyone could keep the fact that someone will die if we don’t figure out how to become ponies soon hidden. Why do I even care about leaving this life, where all I’ve been is miserable? One memory will always hold me back. My first memory of kindness.

It was dark out. I can’t remember if it was dark out or whether it was just storming, but I do remember that I was crying. I can’t even remember why I had tears streaming down my face this time. I was so young. It was before my father had reached the point of no return in my eyes. At that point I still felt that somewhere inside my Mommy and Daddy loved me. Yet my tears still flowed.

Someone broke into the house. They wanted money from Daddy and they were going to use me to get it. Little did he know that it wouldn’t work, but this mysterious man treated me kindly. He gave me lots of candy, fed me good meals, hugged me, and loved me. This was the first time in my life that I felt needed. And then the cops came and took the man away. They took away my savior and locked him up for an undisclosed period of time.

It is beautiful how in this world of such chaos and evil, there are such acts that defy logic. I fear that if I leave this world and return to Equestria, these lessons will go away. I don’t want to forget what I’ve been through, whether reality or fiction, no matter how painful. I don’t want to forget how wonderful it is to be happy after so much misery.

Well, time to suck it up, to stop making myself miserable. That is, if Equestria truly is possible. I suppose it’s unhealthy anyway. But you know what they say, misery loves company.

I walk into the living room. Everybody is piled up on the floor in sleeping bags and on the couch. It is late at night. Maybe I should wait until morning. No. You’ll chicken out by then. Good point, inner self. Ah well. Let’s just do this. “Um, excuse me, guys?” Everybody stirs. “Sorry to bother you, but there is something that I want to say.”

“Go on, out with it,” says Teresa, smiling kindly, though seeming disappointed to be awoken. I couldn’t blame her.

“I’ve decided that I’m ready to help us return to Equestria.”

Everybody sat up. There was whispering amongst them, confusion. Why would I suddenly change my mind? It is Jackie that figures it out first.

“It’s mighty kind of ya, Rachel, to give up what you want to save somebody that you haven’t even met before,” she says with a smile. No attempts to stop me. Nobody tries. There is too much at stake. We have little time to spare.

“Thank you for your time, everyone. I’ll let you guys sleep and we with reconvene in the morning.” I turn and walk back to my room to a chorus of good nights.

Why do I hate myself?

Was I just raised that way?

In this world of pain and suffering,

Why do I wish to stay?

Why do I want to be miserable

When happiness is near?

Why is it so desirable?

What is it that I fear?

These questions may have answers,

But it is me that they evade.

Why can’t I just be happy

If only for a day?

I want my drugs. I just want to take it all away. This pain that I hold inside so dear, I love it when I should hate it. All I wanted was happiness. All I needed was a chance. And yet I avoided that happiness like the plague. I miss being Rarity, I really do, but somehow I think that I would miss being Rachel as soon as it’s gone. It will feel like losing a piece of myself, a part very intricate to my being. I’m afraid that I’ll forget. But for now I need sleep. Tomorrow our search for the Elements of Harmony begins, and I don’t want to be struggling to stay awake.

Wake up, Rachel. It’s a new day. The day our new life begins. Good morning, voice. It’s wonderful to hear from you. I’m really liking you now that you’ve decided to be nice. I’m only as nice as you make me. Nevertheless, I still am enjoying your company these days. You give me structure where it is lacking. I love your input in situations where I feel alone. Thank you, Rachel. And by the way, unless you forget me, you will never forget being Rachel O’Conner. I am you, you are me, I am Rachel, you are Rarity, I am Rarity, you are Rachel. If that makes any sense. It makes a little. I’ll give you that it’s a bit confusing. Anyway, I guess that I better go see if anybody else is up.

I pause on the way out of my room. We don’t have out magic to help protect us. But I know of something that my Papa always kept hidden in the drawer of the nightstand by his bed that would give us a dose of protection. If my biological father were to catch up with us, we might need a weapon to protect us. On my way downstairs, I stop by my Mama and Papa’s room. I reach into that stand and pull out the weapon.

Through it all, I try to keep hope that my Mama and Papa are alright. Maybe they’re my parents from Equestria, and maybe Sweetie Belle is somewhere out there. We just need to find the Elements of Harmony. If we can find them, we can make everyone happy again. Including me. That’s the spirit.

I walk down the staircase and to the main room of the house. Nobody else is up yet. I’ve always been a bit of an early riser, I suppose. I guess I may as well go fix some breakfast. I sneak past my friends and into the kitchen. I find some pancake mix and get to cooking. Pancake mix is one of those things that I just had no interest in back in Equestria. I didn’t want convenience. I wanted glamour. If it wasn’t easy to fix food, I still made it. Now, I can’t say that I would ever do the same.

I hear stirring in the other room. They must be waking up to the smell of food; I guess lots of people are like that. I used to be. Then again, I used to be lots of things. None of which was depressed, which I have to say, wasn’t the best thing that I gained with my humanity. Spike comes to the doorway. “Hey, Spike, how are you this morning?” I ask, feeling a fake smile come to my lips. So much for never using one of those again; they’re kind of automatic.

“Hey, Rachel. I’m pretty good. Ready to go out and find the Elements?” He looks at me, as if afraid that I changed my mind in the night. I didn’t, no matter how much I may want to wallow in my misery.

“Yeah,” I say. “I am. I’m ready to be happy.” I swallow the lie. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to face losing misery. You’re times of misery will always be with you, Rachel. Just as I always will be. I AM Misery, and as long as you wish to keep me, you will never forget. I don’t think that you are Misery. You need a better name than that. I don’t want to let you go, but I can be happy without losing you. It’s my name. To change it is to change me. I hope you don’t want me to change. I don’t now, but I did before. Let’s not argue.Indeed.

Oops, I forgot Spike was there. He left on his own, though, so I guess I shouldn’t worry about it too much. Well.

Everyone gathers for breakfast. There are lots of conversations between the others in our little group, but I sit here on my own, lost in my thoughts. I am having a conversation too, I suppose, with Misery. Why aren’t you talking to the others? They’re far better company than me. You must be lonely, being Misery and all. Are you just my misery, or are you everyone’s? Just yours and yours alone. I think that I love you, Misery. I love you too, Rachel. You are my very existence. Without you, I would be nothing. I’m sorry it has to be this way. I wish that you could just be yourself, not just an extension of my subconscious. It has to be this way. There is nothing we can change. Does it really need to be this way? Or are we just not looking hard enough? Maybe if we try harder, we can find another way. Maybe when we go to Equestria, we can find our path to your freedom. Do you really think so? I do.

“Rachel? Are you alright?” Farah asks, looking concerned.

“Hmm? I’m fine. Just thinking.”

“Well then,” begins Teresa. “We need a plan.”

“We could split up and scour the country to find the Elements,” suggests Rhyan.

“No. We can’t split up. It’s too dangerous!” says Teresa, shooting down that idea.

“We should go back and talk to Tracy. She’s the one that’s in the most immediate danger, and she still has her magic. Maybe she can track them or something,” says Jackie.

“That’s a great idea!” says Teresa.

“Rachel hasn’t even met Tracy!” exclaims Penelope, if you can really call it exclaiming when that’s how someone usually talks. “I’m sure you guys will hit it off!”

Rhyan shakes her head. “I don’t know. She is Trixie.”

I pause. “Tracy is Trixie?”

“Yeah.” Jackie looks sheepish.

“That doesn’t change a thing. I’ll still help you guys save her. Even someone as stuck up as Trixie doesn’t deserve to die. Plus, she could be our route out of here.”

Rhyan looks disappointed that I’m so understanding. “But it’s her fault that we ever got here!”

“I might just have to thank her.” I say. Everyone looks shocked. “What? You think I have any regrets of coming here and being human? No. I’ll never have any regrets. There is no point in regretting what has happened. It already happened, there is no way to change it, so all you can do is move on with your life and walk your own path.”

Penelope nods. “I don’t have any regrets either. I’m happy to have experienced being human. It’s a chance that I never thought I would have, back on Equestria, to learn how it is to be something besides a pony. Yes, my childhood wasn’t the greatest, but it wasn’t on Equestria either. Rachel and I can’t feel like we got the short end of the stick. We didn’t. We are all the better for what we’ve been through. Isn’t that right Rachel?”

“Yes. It is.” More quietly I say, just to her, “I would love to hear your story some time.”

“I would love to hear yours too.”

“Well, thanks for the food, Rachel.” Spike seems nervous and wants to change the subject. “But shouldn’t we get going?”

“Spike’s right. We need to get going. We don’t have long to find the Elements and get back to Equestria,” Teresa says, determined.

So here we are, now in a small town in the middle of nowhere, going to Sweet Apple Acres. Maybe this is Ponyville, then. A big detail like an orchard by the name of Sweet Apple Acres would just be too much of a coincidence. And here I am, sitting here in the van in silence, just like everyone else. Just me and Misery. Just like always. I’m never gone, just quiet when you want me to be. Ah well. What else is new? It’s always lovely to talk to you though, Misery. But you really do need a nicer name. My name is my name. To change it would be to change me. I don’t want to change you. I love you just the way you are.

Whenever I have these conversations with Misery, I get distracted by other thoughts. Like, will I ever be going back to the University, or are we just going to search for the Elements of Harmony until we find them, no matter how long it takes? I would imagine the answer would be the latter, but part of me wishes to return to where I once had been. But I suppose that is what we are doing now in a way. I have been to Sweet Apple Acres before. And as we approach, it looks the same as always, the same house, the same trees, including dormant Zap Apple trees, the same dirt pathway in. And as we travel down that pathway, my thoughts go back to my times here as Rarity. They weren’t frequent visits by any means, but I miss them none the less. I miss going here for cider season. I remember the way that the trees smelled the day that we helped Applejack make the cider to win the contest with Flim and Flam. I remember the time that Sweetie Belle ran away to here before the Sisterhooves Social. But remembering doesn’t do any good when you have a goal as important as the one that we have in mind.

We reach the house. Nobody is around. Jackie gets out of the car first, and walks to the house. No one is there. She has us go to the tree house that was the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ hang out, saying that Tracy should be there. We reach the tree house.

“Tracy, are ya there?” Jackie yells, seeming worried. Out comes a girl with platinum blonde hair and tanned skin, presumably Tracy.

“Yes. And so are Granny Smith, Annabelle, and Mac. They’re all asleep, or at least they were.” Tracy glances up at the tree house, listening for signs of life. I suppose that we did get here pretty early. “They refused to stay at the house once I deemed that I needed to go into hiding.”

“What’s going on?” asked Annabelle, obviously Apple Bloom, coming down the ladder. “Jackie!” she exclaims, running to tackle her sister in a tight hug. Mac comes down from the tree house, but not Granny Smith, likely because of her bad hip.

Jackie smiles. “Howdy guys!” she says, relieved that her family is safe and sound. “Y’all have met each other but Spike and Rachel. Spike, Rachel, this here’s my family!”

“Pleased to meet you,” I say, nodding.

“Yeah, me too,” says Spike. There are many nods of acknowledgement, and then everyone relaxes. Everyone disperses, slightly, forming their own little groups, Farah talking to Mac (as much of a conversation as those two can have,) and Jackie staying near Annabelle, obviously lavishing in the attention of her little sister. Teresa goes up to Tracy, and they speak in quiet tones, I would presume about possibly using magic to trace the Elements. Spike is standing by me, as is usual when the groups disperse. I enjoy his company, and he enjoys mine, but I have little to offer as far as conversation goes lately. I guess it just comes from my decision. I’m getting used to the thought that I was once a pony. It seems so right, yet at the same time so foreign.

Tracy looks at all of us, and then continues to talk to Teresa. They nod to each other. Teresa comes over to me and Spike, since we are the only two who are not otherwise occupied. “We have to get the rest of the Apples to go away so that Tracy can use her magic. She’s afraid that everybody but Jackie would be a little freaked out over seeing real magic being used.” Teresa pauses. “Or maybe we could go away from the Apples. That would probably be a little easier, given that Granny Smith is kind of stuck up that tree. I’ll go get Tracy. Can you go and tell the others to keep distracting the Apples?”

“Right. Not a problem. You can count on me.” I say. And so, I discreetly grab each of the girls’ attention and deliver the message. Penelope and Rhyan stop talking to each other and go and speak to Granny Smith and Mac and Farah respectively. I then sneak over to see that Tracy and Teresa are doing. Tracy is speaking.

“I can skry for the Elements of Harmony using your energy since you say that they are connected to you. But I need more than one of you to be sure that they are all in the same place. I wouldn’t want you to go off on a wild goose chase for one and not be able to find all of them.”

I decide to make my presence noticed. “I’m here. You can use me and Teresa to see.”

Tracy nods. “Let’s see where they are.” She conjures a map of the world from thin air, a sign of actual magic (well, theoretically the map was somewhere before, but it seemed to be from thin air here), and pulls a necklace off of her neck. She hovers the stone over the map. It sways on its own accord and drops suddenly. “It seems to have stopped on Alaska based on your energy, Teresa. Now let’s see about Rachel’s.” Once again the stone did its thing. It lands. “Alaska again. Anchorage Alaska for both of your Elements. We can pretty safely assume that all of the Elements are there.”

Teresa smiles. “Thank you, Tracy. We couldn’t have done it without you.”

“It’s not like I’m not getting anything out of this, you know. You’re saving my life.”

We all smile at each other. Tracy’s really not a bad person, down deep within.

“So,” I ask. “How are we going to get to Alaska?

Interlude

Once again we’re in a van, travelling. But this time, we have so much farther to go than across a couple of states. No, we have to go across countries to reach our destination. Well, nothing to do other than get going, I supposed when we were done conversing with Tracy and the rest of the gang. The Elements of Harmony aren’t going to find themselves, now were they?

But now, I’ve grown quite weary of our travels. I believe that everyone has. Everyone takes turns driving, allowing the others to rest. We have neither the time nor the money to stop at hotels on our journey. Why do the Elements have to be so blasted far away? Alaska. The worst. Possible. Place.

At least I’m starting to get used to the whole ‘I’m Rarity’ thing. No longer do I hold it against my friends that they kept that fact secret from me for so long. I mean really, would I have taken it any different if told earlier? Why am I worrying so much about the details? I’m supposed to be sleeping. Yet here I sit, lost in my own thoughts and living my life through a veil of what ifs. Rarity wouldn’t worry so much. Well, I guess she would worry a lot, but trust me, not this much. This really isn’t the worst thing in the world, and I guess I’m handling it a bit better than my pony self would. Rarity isn’t very good at dealing with even minor things, but I suppose she was good at keeping a cool head in the situations when it was truly needed. You keep your cool. You just don’t think that you do. You’ve also been through a lot worse than Rarity ever could dream of. Earth is a dark, dark place. Equestria is a paradise. There really is no comparison to be made. I suppose you’re right.

Then again, you’re right a lot of the time. You used to just be a bully but there is so much more to you, Misery. It sickens me to think that you used to just be there to tell me that I was worthless. I guess that it’s all that I wanted to hear. You’d be right. Ah well. What’s done is done and I hold no grudge against you for what you did. You did what I wanted you to. That’s all there is to it, really…

Remember what has been

Look for what will be.

What have we seen?

What will we see?

You’re guess is as good as mine.

I dozed off finally. I guess that’s a good thing, since now that I’ve awoken, it’s my turn to drive. Driving has never been my favorite activity. It’s something that I would not do given the choice, but here we are; it wouldn’t be fair for me to say that I would not take up such a simple and harmless task. But I’ve never felt that I’ve had control of the vehicle, much like I have never felt as though I controlled my life, at least here. Maybe back in Ponyville I felt some semblance of power. I really can’t remember right now. What is here and now seems real, not what I thought to simply be dreams that I created to escape from my problems. So far, we are about halfway through our journey. We have just passed the border and entered Canada. My geography has never been the best, but if we keep on the way that we are going, we will reach Alaska soon enough.

“Rachel, your turn,” whispers Penelope from behind the wheel, trying not to disturb our friends with her usual exuberance. Then again, she is probably as weary of traveling as I am. I would love to be back home, safe and sound.

We stop and the side of the road and trade places. I climb behind the wheel and begin to drive. At least my shift is during the day, not at night. I was greedy enough to request a day shift, rather than being open to take a night shift. Maybe it was less greed and more to protect the safety of the others. I’ve never felt comfortable driving at night, and I could be dangerous. My shift creeps into the night as it is, with us getting farther north.

Ah well, time to drive.

It feels like I’ve been driving for centuries. I guess that I’m just impatient. It’s only been four hours. We even stopped at a rest stop and got some food, yet it still feels like I haven’t stopped. Oh well, just another hour and then I trade shifts.

It’s getting dark. We’ve reached a mountainous region. I hate driving in the mountains. Roads seem to get narrower and it seems that there is less and less civilization the farther we travel. They do say that seventy-five percent of the population of Canada lives within one hundred miles of the boarder, or something like that. I believe it, that’s for sure.

I drive the car around a corner. I see a car coming in the distance. The car is taking up the middle of the road. They’ll move over, I’m sure. They aren’t moving over. There’s still time. They aren’t moving over! I see the driver: my biological father, Mr. Roy, whatever you want to call him. He smirks and moves the car just to hit it from the side. The others all come to attention. “What’s going on?” they ask, panicked. I try to stay on the road. He’s turning around. He’s ramming us again. I lose control. The car is careening of the cliff! I feel my hands grip the wheel, but I have no control. I’ve got this. Don’t worry, Misery says. Everything goes black...

We go to the great beyond,

Your hand guiding mine,

Or is it mine that guides yours?

Who is to say?

But we go beyond.

You save me,

I save you.

Alone we are nothing.

Together we are unstoppable.

What you fear I do not.

What I fear you do not.

What I can do you can do.

You are me,

And I am you.

Discovery

Color, color, returns and darkness fades, I find myself standing by the van at the side of the road. I don’t remember getting the car to the side, nor what happened to the other vehicle. I look up at everyone. Everyone is staring. “Is everyone alright?” my voice asks, as I am still in shock and cannot. There is a chorus of yeses. But why is everybody staring? Snap out of it Rachel. I’m not good at pretending to be you. They’re on to me. Oh. Oh! Alright then, wake up! ”What’s everybody staring at?” Good one. That’s exactly what I was thinking. I know. Wake up, dammit! I return to my own thoughts as they continue to stare. “Really, what’s wrong?”

Teresa is the one that speaks. "I think that you used your magic to stop our car from careening off that cliff after the car that was ramming us!”

Huh? “What do you mean? I can’t remember what happened after we started to fall. I think that adrenaline took over.”

“We started to fall off of the cliff,” Farah says.

Penelope takes over. “Then, everything was all weird and we were surrounded by a sparkly aura, like surrounds things that unicorns are using their magic on back in Equestria! And then whoosh! Just like that we were here on the side of the road, safe and sound!”

“That’s odd, but I guess it’s a really good thing that it happened. It saved our lives more than likely. It’s unlikely that anybody could survive a fall down a cliff like that,” I state.

“Why were they trying to knock us off of the road anyway?” asks Rhyan.

I pause, trying to remember exactly what happened. “If it wasn’t my imagination, it was ‘Mr. Roy’ behind the wheel.” There is a chorus of gasps. “Was anybody else awake to see what the person in the car looked like?”

“I was,” says Spike. “But I wasn’t paying much attention. All I noticed was that the driver had grey hair and a goatee.”

“That sounds like it could be Mr. Roy,” says Teresa. “But there’s really no way to tell for sure. We should call for help, nevertheless, but probably just put in an anonymous tip. We don’t have time to stick around here, so long as the van is in running condition.”

“Can someone else drive?” I ask timidly.

“Of course, Sugarcube. That had to scare the living daylights out of you,” Jackie says kindly. “It’s almost my turn to drive anyway, so what could it hurt for me to take a turn at the wheel?”

Teresa shakes her head. “Actually, Jackie, I was thinking that it would be a good idea for Rachel to be the primary driver. She did save us by quick reflexes, after all.”

“That ain’t fair! I’m gonna take a turn at driving, and that’s all there is to it!”

“Thank you, Jackie. I appreciate it more than you could know.” I pause. “And thanks for standing up for me. You’re a great friend.”

“Ah, shucks Sugarcube. It was nothin’.”

“I agree with Jackie,” Spike says. “It isn’t fair for someone to have to do all of the driving. I mean, what if Rachel was to get too tired to pay attention and there wasn’t some miraculous use of sudden magic to save us?” Farah nods in agreement.

“It wouldn’t be very nice, either. We all need to do our fair share!” Penelope adds.

“Yeah, Teresa. I know that your egghead ideas have gotten us out of trouble before, but this time, I think that we’re all in agreement that this one doesn’t make much sense in practice. We can’t afford to make stops, and Rachel’s got to sleep sometime,” Rhyan says, making the motion nearly unanimous.

Teresa sighs. “Alright. You guys are right. Let’s just keep going along with the original plan. I’m just worried is all. And we aren’t even sure whether the car will still run or not!” Just then, the engine roars to life.

“You were saying?” asks Jackie, with a tinge of sarcasm.

“Fine. Let’s go.”

“Thank you, everybody, for understanding,” I say as we proceed into the vehicle, Spike making a quick phone call to the authorities to take care of the car that careened off of the cliff.

Then once again, just like that, our journey continues.

Once there was a girl

A girl that hated the world

Until she escaped the pain

Of the fire and the rain.

One day her heart gained wings

Her soul took to flight

That’s how she escaped the pain

Of the fire and the rain.

The wheels just keep on turning. Rolling, rolling along. Our journey has progressed with little interruption and is continuing on smoothly to this very moment. We’ve kept to the turns schedule and we have reached the boarder of Alaska. I haven’t had the courage to ask how we are going to find the Elements once we reach Anchorage, but I guess that someone has to and it may as well be me. Just not at this very moment. Teresa is driving now, and I wouldn’t want to distract her. In a few minutes, there is a rest stop where we will switch places. Little can be said as it is. Teresa is very easily distracted, and she and I are the only ones currently awake. I wonder if she holds a grudge over the discussion after the accident. Surely not, though. That wouldn’t be like Twilight Sparkle. But would it be like Teresa Simmons? I’m not entirely sure.

I’m just getting more and more used to the idea that I was once a pony and will be one once again very soon. Little old me, Rachel O’Conner, being somepony glamorous and sophisticated as Rarity. I guess that it’s always been my dream that I could be her. I wonder what it would be like to be her again. Will it be the same? Will it be different? What do you think, Misery? I think whatever you think, Rachel. And you think that it will be different. But different isn’t necessarily bad, is it? If things aren’t different, then I won’t be there for you, and you said yourself that you didn’t want that. Very true. Then again, what you say always is true to some extent. If I feel like I’m worthless, that’s what you tell me. If I think that things are going to be different, I guess that you tell me that too. Pretty much.

Well, here we are. Time for everybody to switch places. What fun. At least it gets us out of the car, if just for a moment. Someone goes to get food each time we are at a rest stop, even if that food just comes from a vending machine.

No time like the present, may as well ask. “Teresa…” I begin.

She sighs. “What is it Rachel?”

“Oh, I’m not trying to bother you or anything. I just was wondering how we are going to find the Elements once we get there.”

She sighs again. “I don’t know. That’s what’s bothering me, not you. I’m sorry about my plan back at the side of the road. I was being unreasonable. I know that you can’t handle everything. I just thought that maybe you could protect us.” She pauses. “I’m scared. What if we don’t find the Elements in time, what if they don’t work? What would we do?” She hasn’t looked at me yet; she just stares off into the distance.

“I guess that there’s two of us, then. I was worried that I was the only one who thought that far ahead. Everyone else seems down, but I figured everyone’s just tired. Nobody is made to travel this far in this amount of time.”

“Yeah. I’m sorry that I’ve pushed everyone this hard. But I just don’t know what else to do. There isn’t time to sit back and plan. And I hate it when I don’t have a plan. I’m so used to my lists, following them to a tee. I’m so used to order in this life and now it’s gone. All of it taken away by Mr. Roy. If he had never attacked me, I never would have realized that we had all been ponies. I would be back at home on summer break rather than going to the ends of the earth in search of magical objects from a world far different from ours. I wish that we had never left Equestria. I would never have missed a normal life if I hadn’t been given one. You and Penelope have such a different view of this world that any of the rest of us. You guys didn’t have the perfect life that I had. You had actual experiences. I guess I’m just spoiled and over privileged in this life.”

“I hate that you have to do this. I’m sorry that we ever had to stop being ponies. I wish for all of our sakes that Trixie would have just come to us for forgiveness rather to casting a spell that changed all of our lives forever. But she did. You can’t feel sorry for how your life here was any more than I can. You aren’t any worse for the life that you had here, if anything it will be for the better. At least we are on the right track to go back to Equestria. I’m not really sure any more what had me so reluctant to go.”

“You were confused. It’s our fault, really. We should have let you know from the start that we weren’t offering something that wasn’t real. For all you knew, we could end up destroying ourselves. For that matter, I guess that we still could. How can we really know?”

“We just have to try and find out for ourselves. What will be will be. We cannot predict the future, nor can we erase the past. We best just keep moving forward; turning back could destroy us all. Who knows how long we even have to return?”

“There are so many ‘what if’s that I can hardly stand it. I wish things were just simple, no mind games. I just want everything to be back to normal.”

“As do I.”

Teresa smiles and heads back to the van. Reluctantly, I and the rest migrate back to the vehicle as well. Joy oh joy, more traveling.

What's a little argument between friends?

Is it the end of the world?

Or do we just pretend

That it’s nothing?

It is something

But not something so great

As to be irreversible.

So friends go on together.

Hey Rachel? I hear Misery speak quietly into my mind. It wakes me from a deep slumber. What is it?

I don’t think that the Elements of Harmony are in Anchorage. It just doesn’t seem right. How could nobody notice jewelry in the middle of a city, no matter is it is relatively small. It might even be more noticeable in a smaller area. Then again, we’ve never been to Alaska to even know what size the city is. I understand your concern. I’ve been wondering that too. Well, I guess that since I’ve been wondering, you have as well, but details, details. I guess that we just have to find where they are.

Just then, my attention is drawn away from the car. There is a strange feeling in my head. There is a faint haze of color and I see a glowing blue aura pointing in a direction. It feels like my jewel locating spell. Everyone was awake but me in the first place, so I can voice my concerns without being a bother. “Excuse me everyone,” I say. “Sorry to disturb the silence, but I have to say something. I think that my magic is working again.”

“Huh? What do you mean?” asks Penelope.

“What I mean is, am I the only one who can see a blue path when you look out the window to the left?” Everybody looks.

“I see something,” Jackie says. “Couldn’t tell you what, but I do see something.”

“Look everybody!” exclaims Farah, pointing.

Spike, the driver, pulls to the side of the road so that he can look. “Yeah, I do see something.”

“What were you thinking about when this happened?” asks Teresa.

“Well,” I begin. “I was thinking about how it doesn’t really make sense for the Elements of Harmony to be in a city. Somebody would surely have found them. I was just thinking that we’d have to find them, no matter where they were, when my head got all fuzzy and my vision glowed. Then I looked out the window and saw this. It feels like my jewel locating spell.”

“Who votes that we follow it?” asks Penelope.

“I do,” Rhyan says. “I’m up for a little adventure after all of this riding.”

“What else could we do? She’s right that the Elements might not even be in Anchorage. We’re close by, and that fancy stone of Tracy’s can’t be accurate to a precise location on such a big map,” Jackie says.

“She has a point.” Farah says in her usual, quiet way. Spike and I both nod.

“Well, I guess we’re all in agreement then. We follow that path,” Teresa says, seeming excited for once. The path follows a road so far, thank goodness, if it is a narrow one. So we set off, our journey continuing.

The blue path takes us off of the main highway onto a gravel drive way. We follow it towards the sun as it sets below the horizon. The trail is easier to see in the darkness, but the terrain is more difficult to traverse. The foliage grows denser as the road comes to an end. The path still goes on, through up the mountain, towards a cave.

“Do we still follow it?” Farah asks.

“It doesn’t go much further. Just up to that cave,” I respond.

“Let’s vote,” Teresa suggests.

“I’m in,” says Rhyan.

“Oooooh! So am I. Sounds fun!” Penelope inputs.

“I can’t see the harm,” Jackie replies.

“What else can we do at this point?” Spike asks.

“I’m game,” Farah squeaks.

I simply nod.

Teresa nods as well. “We should wait until morning, though, for safety’s sake. Let’s go back to the van and get some rest.”

Reluctantly, we do just that.

Just one step away from happiness,

Just one night away from rest.

Your battle may come to a close,

But is it for the best?

You were always the happy one,

Near or far,

Here or there.

But not truly.

You were a fake

You were a fraud.

You gave what they would take.

Remember that there is Equestria,

Somewhere far beyond.

Your life will be at peace.

Your mind at ease

You’ll never leave.

I cannot sleep. I realize that the Elements of Harmony may well be just over that hill, yet I am reluctant to reach them if they are. I was finally happy in this life. I thought that it was all that I needed. But now here’s Equestria, my one escape, within reach. Why am I reluctant? Why am I afraid? I do not know. I will be happy there. So will everyone else. And if my friends are happy, then I am happy too. Right? Only you can know, Rachel. Only you can decide. Your happiness is where you want it. But you need to use the Elements no matter what. It’s not only you at stake. I know, Misery, it’s just that I’m so tired. I’m so lost. All I’ve known is pain. When all you have ever had is pain, you don’t want to leave it behind. That’s not healthy.
I know, I know. I guess I just… I just…

It’s morning. I dreamt of Discord. And Mr. Roy. But they were one and the same. And they were coming to get me, to play with me, to manipulate my weakened mind. But I was stronger than them, I knew their game. I fought and I won.

Anyway, everyone else is waking up now. I guess we just get up there to that cave now. But will we do when we get there? What if the Elements aren’t there and it’s just a bunch of diamonds or something? What then?

Ugh, I need to stop worrying so much. We’ll find out when we get there. I’m turning into Twilight, what with all of the worrying and obsessing.

We don’t have anything to use for breakfast. We had planned to stop at one more rest stop last night before we started following the blue trail. Stomachs are growling, people are mildly complaining, but there is hope. We can only hope that the Elements are up there in that cave, and that keeps us going.

“Well,” I say. “Shall we?”

Everyone nods. We proceed to follow the blue path up a mountain trail. Luckily, it isn’t very far to the cave. We reach the cave.

Inside is the case in which the Elements were kept by Princess Celestia. Teresa walks up to the case and opens it. Luckily, unlike in our battle with Discord, the Elements are inside, safe and sound. We stare in wonder for a moment, before Twilight picks up the case and carefully picks it up. “We need to get back to civilization before we use these” Teresa says, logically. “We don’t want to be completely lost, and if my theory’s correct, Sweet Apple Acres is in Ponyville, and that would be an easy place to start.”

Everybody looks at each other. The others all look so weary, so ready to be back home. “If you say so, Teresa,” Jackie says.

And so, reluctantly, we pile back into the van and set off back to Sweet Apple Acres.

Return

Who would have thought that the Elements of Harmony would have been so easy to find? I mean, come on, none of us had any magic at the start of this journey; now I suddenly do. Mind you, this whole situation change is a good thing, not a bad one, but completely unexpected. Logically, if someone was to get their magic back, should it not be Teresa, as Twilight is the very Element of Magic? Ah well, that’s what happened, there’s no logic to it. It really has been of aid to us. Our journey has not been without trials and tribulations, though.

There have been arguments. Spike is so protective of me that if someone says anything that might be of offense, he ends up getting into a shouting match. I’m flattered, but I hope that this will stop. I told him that if I find that there is a battle to be fought, I will fight it on my own. I don’t need a keeper. I don’t need a knight in shining armor either. I really don’t think that things are working out between he and I, even without considering the fact that back in Equestria he’s a baby dragon and I’m an adult pony. I know he will be heartbroken, but that’s just the way that it will have to be. It makes me a little sad, too. But some decisions just have to be made, and they cannot be questioned. Right?

Misery has been exceptionally quiet during our ride back to Sweet Apple Acres. I really find myself missing her company. I guess maybe it is wrong for me to give something a gender that is a figment of my imagination, but Misery is more than just that. Misery is a guiding light through the darkness that is my mind. She is always there for me no matter what, through thick or thin, good or bad. Without Misery, I never would have been able to lead us to the Elements of Harmony.

Ironic, isn’t it, that since our discovery Misery’s voice has grown weaker and weaker until it disappeared completely. I wonder whether she’s gone. And if so, I wonder if she knew what she was doing by leading me to the Elements. I wouldn’t have thought her to be selfless or self destructive. I found her to be protecting her and my best interests no matter what, not forgetting herself in the process of helping me.

Whenever I think about this, I get a little sad. She kept me company if nothing else and I miss that company. I think it cheers the others that I’ve been speaking with them more, but then again, more arguments have come up since this began. Are we going to be harmonious enough to use the Elements properly, if we can use them at all? I just don’t know.

Well, no use worrying. May as well just let these wheels roll forward, leading us back from where we came.

What have we become? Nobody will speak to anyone else, even though I try. Everybody else started arguing with each other. It was about what we should do once we are ponies again. Do we need to find the Princesses? Should we chase Trixie away for causing this whole situation in the first place? Do we throw a big party? Do we just move on with our lives as they had previously been? I was the only one without an input. And everyone else just ended up yelling. How can the Elements possibly work if we cannot get over a simple quarrel amongst ourselves? I really wish that I had someone to consult. I really don’t want to deal with this alone. I think I made things worse. Right before the argument, I had told Spike that we couldn’t be together as delicately as I could, but from how angry he is, I don’t think it was careful enough. I really did try.

And now I really am trying to get everyone back together, to get anyone to speak with me. Do they just think that I am broken and worthless as a friend? Before, I would have dispelled those thoughts. But now, I find them creeping back in. I have no idea what my friends are thinking anymore. I just know me.

I wish I wasn’t alone again. I had grown so accustomed to company that I don’t know how I can possibly deal without it again. Not even Farah will speak with me, and we were the closest back at home, other than maybe her and Rhyan. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. I don’t even know what to think anymore. Are they one and the same with their pony selves, or are they something completely different? Is this reality or is it all a dream? I can’t help but wonder. What’s real and what’s not, I just do not know.

“Good night,” I say to nobody in particular. “Sweet dreams and the like.” Nobody bothers to respond. I fight back the tears in my eyes. I just want to go home, wherever that may be.

Monsters lurk within.

We all are full of sin.

What has come has come.

The end has now begun.

Monsters or men

Humans or ponies

What are we?

We are what we are

And that is all there is.

The end has now begun

And with the setting sun

We hope we will chose

The right choice.

Don’t lose your voice,

Rarity, the beauty

Don’t lose your voice

You still have a choice

And a chance.

Your turn to dance.

“Good morning,” I say as I take my last turn at the wheel. We are almost back to Sweet Apple Acres now, just a few hours away, and the arguments still rest heavily on all of our chests. Or at least, I would assume that they are feeling as bad about the arguments as I since they haven’t said a word. Then again, I could certainly be wrong, who knows what anyone else thinks. As we settle back into the pattern of driving, I find myself compelled to say something. But I really don’t want to cause more problems than there already are. Yet, I feel as though if I don’t say something now, it will be too late. “What have we become?” I ask nobody in particular. “Best friends like us, reduced to enemies because of a little argument. Well, maybe not the smallest argument, but not anything earth shattering. How can we possibly use the magic of friendship to harness the Elements of Harmony if we are stuck in such a state?” Everybody looks at me. “And here we go again, nobody but me saying a word. Come on, people, are we really going to do this again? After all we’ve been through together, here and in Equestria, are we really going to chance loosing it all over a petty quarrel?” Everyone seems lost in thought, searching for something to say. They are preparing rebuttals, I suppose, to my statement that I so boldly put out there. Ah well, I’m prepared for what verbal abuse they through at me, no matter what it is. I’m expecting it.

Penelope is the first one to speak. “You know, Rachel, that’s just what I was thinking. I mean, friends are supposed to be there for each other. Friends have arguments and then they move on. They don’t hold resentment for hours, and generally not days. But I guess that we’re just all human now. And humans have their biggest weaknesses in their hearts. Nobody’s perfect, but we need to move on now.”

“I agree. We’ve always made it though before,” Farah says.

Teresa simply nods, a bit out of character, but we are still upset.

Rhyan sighs. “I still say that I’m right about Trixie, but I’m willing to step down since all of my friends think that she needs another chance.”

“I can see your side, too, Sugarcube, but you know my side. We forgive Trixie. It’s just a matter of if all of Ponyville will forgive her, too,” Jackie replies.

Spike says, “And I forgive all of you guys for not telling us the truth in the first place.”

I smile at the return of my friends. And from the back of the van, a pale white glow flows out of the box with the Elements. The glow is so bright that I cannot see any longer and I have to pull to the side of the road. We climb to the back of the vehicle and open the box. It is the Elements of Harmony themselves that are emitting the ethereal glow. We simultaneously touch the box, and the light glows brighter and brighter until it is painful to be in the presence of, until we cannot stand to lay our eyes on the box any longer. Hands turn to hooves. Skin turns from shades of human flesh to shades from the rainbow. Just like that, we are ponies again and we suddenly are back on the farm, no van in sight, though everypony is on their bellies for sudden lack of balance on two feet. The box with the Elements sits on the ground as if it had never been anywhere else on the Earth before. The Elements truly are strange things, really. Incredible, strange things.

We get back to our hooves and Spike to his feet and take a look around. Everything seems to be back to normal. Just like that.

Misery, if you are where you can hear me, thank you. I never would have had the confidence to say anything without your pushing me along the way. But now you are gone. I wonder where you are? Are you sad, are you happy, are you safe or are you harmed? Are you still inside my head, waiting for a chance to speak? I just do not know.

We did a little bit of detective work and found out that everything truly did go back to normal. Everypony that we know ended up back where they were before they became human. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna took back their thrones. Discord is still in the statue, though the positioning has changed mysteriously.

And everypony is happy again. Teresa, Farah, Penelope, Rhyan, Jackie, Spike, and I all are back to being Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Spike and Rarity. Twilight has her library back, Fluttershy has her animals, Pinkie Pie has her parties, Rainbow Dash has her wings, I have my boutique and Sweetie Belle, and Applejack has her family and Trixie. Yes, we all forgave Trixie even if it was her that got us all into this mess in the first place. We wouldn’t be us if we didn’t give her another chance.

This is where I say goodbye, humanity. I don’t believe I will be visiting you soon.

You always had to be the happy one,

The best, the smartest, the loved.

And yet you never had any fun,

Nothing can change the above.

Here we are in Equestria

My life is at peace.

I am at ease.

I will never leave.

Just one step away from happiness

This time it will be sincere

Real happiness can’t come from a pill

It comes from far and near.

Just one step away from happiness

I have no fear

My life is here.

Poetry from Happiness

The Poems from Happiness

Just a little compilation of the poems that are spread throughout the story.

Happiness

Just one pill away from happiness.
Just one day away from bliss.
Each day is a battle, a torture.
Just one night to escape from this.
You always had to be the happy one,
The best, the smartest, the loved.
And yet, you never had any fun,
Nothing can change the above.
If only there was an Equestria
Somewhere in the beyond,
My life would be at peace.
I would be there at ease.
I would never leave.
Just one pill away from happiness
And yet your hand you can’t raise.
Because, if you’re dead
Can it truly be said?
That you will be happy then?
One pill away from happiness
That you may never achieve.
Just one life away from happiness
But this one, you'll never leave.
Just one step away from happiness
This time it will be sincere
Real happiness can’t come from a pill
It comes from far and near.
Just one step away from happiness
I have no fear
My life is here.
One step away from happiness
Now you have some friends
They wish to be there for you
Let’s hope this never ends.

Now I have reached true happiness

I have no fear
My life is here.

Dark

I’m in a dark place
Where I thought I’d never return.
I’m in a dark place.
I fear I’ll never learn.
I must hold on.
I can’t let go.
For everyone
I know.
I’m in a dark place.
I know I’m not alone.
I’m in a dark place.
No matter where I go.
I must hold on.
I can’t let go.
For everyone
I know.
I must hold on.
I can’t let go.
For everyone
I know
.

Myself

Why do I hate myself?
Was I just raised that way?
In this world of pain and suffering,
Why do I wish to stay?
Why do I want to be miserable
When happiness is near?
Why is it so desirable?
What is it that I fear?
These questions may have answers,
But it is me that they evade.
Why can’t I just be happy
If only for a day?

Beyond

Remember what has been
Look for what will be.
What have we seen?
What will we see?
You’re guess is as good as mine.
We go to the great beyond,
Your hand guiding mine,
Or is it mine that guides yours?
Who is to say?
But we go beyond.
You save me,
I save you.
Alone we are nothing.
Together we are unstoppable.
What you fear I do not.
What I fear you do not.
What I can do you can do.
You are me,
And I am you.

Escape

Once there was a girl
A girl that hated the world
Until she escaped the pain
Of the fire and the rain.
One day her heart gained wings
Her soul took to flight
That’s how she escaped the pain
Of the fire and the rain.

Argument

What's a little argument between friends?
Is it the end of the world?
Or do we just pretend
That it’s nothing?
It is something
But not something so great
As to be irreversible.
So friends go on together.

Happiness Part II

Just one step away from happiness,
Just one night away from rest.
Your battle may come to a close,
But is it for the best?
You were always the happy one,
Near or far,
Here or there.
But not truly.
You were a fake
You were a fraud.
You gave what they would take.
Remember that there is Equestria,
Somewhere far beyond.
Your life will be at peace.
Your mind at ease
You’ll never leave.

What We Are

Monsters lurk within.
We all are full of sin.
What has come has come.
The end has now begun.
Monsters or men
Humans or ponies
What are we?
We are what we are
And that is all there is.
The end has now begun
And with the setting sun
We hope we will chose
The right choice.
Don’t lose your voice,
Rarity, the beauty
Don’t lose your voice
You still have a choice
And a chance.
Your turn to dance.

Happiness Part Final

You always had to be the happy one,
The best, the smartest, the loved.
And yet you never had any fun,
Nothing can change the above.
Here we are in Equestria
My life is at peace.
I am at ease.
I will never leave.
Just one step away from happiness
This time it will be sincere
Real happiness can’t come from a pill
It comes from far and near.
Just one step away from happiness
I have no fear
My life is here.