Make Equestria Great Again
Author's Note
Written at 2AM. Thank CoffeeBean for this.
Recommend listening to this before reading
The Don of a new age
The crowd of ponies sat chatting amongst themselves in the dimly lit debate hall, some discussing the upcoming standoff between two candidates, others discussing politics in general and among a very few just casual conversation. They continued to mingle for several moments until the dim lights barely illuminating the entire hall shut off, casting the audience into darkness as the stage lights came to life and cast their bright gaze down onto tonight's debate floor.
“Good evening ponies and welcome to the final debate between two candidates for president of Equestria.” A voice spoke as a stage light illuminated a large desk that sat slightly beneath and in front of the debate floor. “My name is Wallace Chris, and I will be your host.” A pony with dark, ebony brown fur introduced himself. “Please welcome tonight, our candidates. Former Princess Celestia.” Wallace spoke while gesturing to the right of the floor. Celestia emerged and made her way over to her podium, smiling out to the crowd as she moved.
“Thank you Wallace. It’s good to be here.” Celestia introduced herself cheerily.
“Now introducing our, other, candidate. Donald Trump.” Wallace said, less enthusiastically. Donald emerged onto stage and made his way over to his own podium, paying no attention to the crowd as several audible boos were heard. “Now folks, let’s settle down, it is now I must ask the audience to refrain from speaking. These are the rules of this ninety minute debate.”
“Thank you, for having me, Christopher Nolan.” Trump interrupted as he leaned into his microphone.
“My name is Wallace, Wallace Chris.” The moderator spoke.
“Of course, William Wallace.” Trump replied.
“Right. Tonight I will be asking these two candidates several questions, they will be given two minutes to answer the question uninterrupted and then a chance to debate each other's answer. This debate starts now.” Wallace proclaimed.
“Our first question is to you, Mr. Trump. Why do you think your economic plan is better for the country than former Princess Celestia’s?”
The first question was posed and the heated debate had finally begun. Donald Trump took a moment to collect his thoughts before leaning closely into his mic, poised to answer.
“Perfect question, great question even. You see, William Shatner, my opponent here. She’s awful. Horrible even. I know more about business, look, I’m a businessman, I know things about business. Here’s what we’re going to do. All our jobs, all of them, are being stolen by Ponexico. Illegals are pouring into the border, and stealing our jobs. Our jobs are fleeing the country. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. Under her rule this country has lost it all, money, jobs, did I mention illegals? Horrible, just horrible.” Donald answered the question with fiery enthusiasm.
“Is that your answer, to fixing the economy, Mr. Trump?” Wallace asked.
“Of course it is, under her regime, this country has fallen to pieces. Eighteen trillion bits, folks, eighteen trillion bits in debt. This country won’t survive another four years of her.” Donald spoke as he pointed his finger over at Celestia.
“It survived a thousand quite well if I say so myself.” Celestia quickly interjected.
“Wrong. You’re wrong.” Donald quickly fired back. The crowd clapped, some cheered even, but most failed to contain their snickering.
“Ponies, ponies please. Remain quiet. Ms. Celestia, the same question for you. Why do you think your economic plan would benefit the economy better than your rivals.” Wallace asked after stifling the crowd.
Celestia chuckled slightly to herself before smiling and clearing her throat.
“Well you see, I’ve always put emphasis on investing in the middle class pony, now it’s high time the wealthy among our nation do their part. But raising taxes on the wealthy isn’t the only solution to our economy, in order to make the economy more fair and stable, we must also close tax loopholes, the same type of loopholes that Donald Trump uses, to avoid paying taxes.”
“Wrong.” Trump spoke directly into his microphone.
“Not only, do ponies avoid taxes through questionable loopholes, they, much like my opponent here, buy foreign materials at half the cost of Equestrian ones, and import it untaxed. For example, Donald Trump here, used Ponese iron, to build his Trump tower.”
“Unproven.” Trump, again, interjected.
“We must make the wealthy pay their fair share, and close these tax loopholes, that ponies and Donald Trump himself abuse. But Donald would never admit he hasn’t paid taxes in the last several years. Perhaps he’s afraid of the backlash it might cause.”
“That makes me smart.” Donald interrupted again.
The two opponents were locked in a heated showdown, and sensing the tension Wallace acted to move the debate into its next segment.
“Let’s move on, should we? Now, Ms. Celestia, you’ve said before in the past you wish to have more lenient borders, do you care to explain what you mean by that?” Wallace asked, swiftly moving the debate away from the economy.
“I’m glad you asked, Wallace. The full quote to that comment was actually me saying I wish to have a more open coal border between Equestria and our neighbours.” Celestia began to speak before being interrupted.
“Unbelievable. Can you believe this?” Donald said, clearly amused.
“Sir, please let her finish speaking.” Wallace stepped in.
“As I was saying.” Celestia resumed speaking. “I wish to see more open energy trading between our neighbours in Panada and Ponexico.” She managed to speak before being swiftly cut off again.
“Wow. I can’t believe this, can you? I can’t. I mean I can, but I can’t believe it.” Donald said, interrupting again.
“Mr. Trump, since it appears you can’t contain yourself, would you like to offer some form of rebuttal against Ms. Celestia’s energy plans” Wallace spoke.
“It’s quite clear, really, to me or anyone. This country cannot survive another four years of open borders. I will build a wall, look, Ch-ina has a wall, and do you see any illegals there?”
Somewhere in the audience several ponies argued amongst each other on what country China was and where it is.
“Let’s skip the easy things, why, are we not talking about this horrible woman’s actions and all the suffering she has caused.” Donald said while again pointing to his rival across the stage. “She is guilty of so many, absolutely so many crimes.” Trump was interrupted by Wallace.
“Do you care to explain any of these crimes?” He asked.
“All of them. Every crime.” Trump spoke. “She used a private ink and quill to write down classified information, that she then later sold to Poran. She accepted bits from SaddleArabia to fund her own devious scandals, many of which include partaking in cheap foreign trade.” Donald wasn’t finished speaking as Celestia interjected.
“Much like the Donald and using Ponese iron.” She said in a cheeky tone.
“What a nasty women.” Trump whispered into his microphone.
“Alright, alright let’s settle down. This debate is nearing it’s end, and we have one final topic to talk about.” Wallace said as he fought to control the two candidates. “Now, Ms. Celestia, you have said before that you would be in favor of having a no magic zone near the city of Poneppo, would you touch more on that subject for us tonight?” The brave moderator asked.
“Yes of course.” Celestia spoke loud and confidently. “It has always been my policy, over the last thousand years, that we deal with foreign aggression strongly. Dealing with the Hooviet Union, is no different. I believe we must work towards having a no magic zone in Ponyria, and that safely deescalating the situation should be our top priority.” She finished speaking as her two minutes were up, and Wallace posed the same question to Donald.
“Ridiculous. Look, you’ve had, a thousand years. A thousand years, folks. To deal with them. You’ve failed. Why are we talking about Poneppo, Poneppo has fallen. I know it, you know it, Willam Shatner knows it.” Donald said as he wildly moved his hands up and down.
“Excuse me, Mr. Trump, but that is in fact not true.” Wallace attempted to correct the businessman.
“Oh really, have you seen it lately?” Trump replied, speaking down to the poor moderator now. “How can you say it hasn’t fallen? Get out of here. A thousand years, of her failed policy. She’s done nothing. Nothing folks. Nadda. Not a thing. She’s a failure, this country can’t survive another four years of her failed policy. The world laughs at us, they know there’s nothing to fear with her weak policy.” He said, waving his hands around at both Wallace and Celestia.
“Mr. Trump we have fact checked that statement and it is false.” Wallace again tried to correct him.
“Wrong. Simply wrong. Jeez it’s two on one here.” Donald replied.
“Right.” Was the only response Wallace could muster. “Well everyone it appears we’re almost out of time, but we do have enough left for a closing statement. Ms. Celestia, would you do the honor?” He spoke, nodding to Celestia.
“Thank you, Wallace. Equestria; Donald Trump and I may disagree on a lot of things here, but it doesn’t matter about us. It matters what you want, the kind of nation you want and the ideals you want to see. So come November 8th, I will accept whatever choice you make, whether you choose me as your president, or choose to ruin the country, it’s up to you.” Celestia made her final statement to the nation before smiling and bowing her head slightly.
“Now your closing statement, Mr. Trump.” Wallace motioned to Trump that it was his turn to speak.
“Look people, we’re gonna win, we’re gonna do it right and we’re going to make this country great again. We’re going to build a wall, we’re going to retake our jobs and we’re going to throw this crooked, crooked woman into jail. Come November 8th, I will accept whatever happens, that is assuming I win. If I lose the election is rigged and I will be sueing the entire country. Make Equestria great again.”
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Celestia stood backstage, mulling over the debate. Luna approached her, sipping on a soda she bought from a concession stand.
“You know my dear sister, I do believe that could have gone better.” She said while sucking out the last drops of soda.
“Thank you for that observation, Luna.” Celestia said, not trying to hide the annoyance in her voice.
Luna went to make her exit before Celestia noticed something she had missed before.
“Luna. Why are you wearing a make Equestria great again hat?” Celestia spoke.
“I must go now, royal, um, duties. Of the night. Goodbye dearest sister.” Luna said before winking out of the room.
“Luna…”
