~~President~~ Princess Nightmare Moon
Chapter 1
From: mareinthemoon@magitech.net
To: loveiseternal@magitech.net
Subject: Is this working?
I believe the server is “up and running” now. Or, at least, your drone says it is. Remind me again why this is necessary, when we have a mutual, untraceable means of communication?
-Nightmare Moon
From: loveiseternal@magitech.net
To: mareinthemoon@magitech.net
Subject: Re: Is this working?
This is mainly for non-urgent stuff – news updates, questions, et cetera. Also, it's to avoid both hackers and having to depend on an existing company for our communications. The whole server runs on a completely different language and syntax than regular code, so I’m pretty sure only a linguist could hack into it. Even then, they’d be hard-pressed to bypass the security, considering it runs on ‘intent-of-use’-based protocols. Synthesia explained it to me five times, but I still don’t get it – she’s one genius of a changeling.
Speaking of which, where are the other six? Sam’s been keeping in touch, but he’s being secretive about where he is for some reason. I hope he isn’t in trouble.
How’s being President of the U.S. going? I’m still not sure about the whole ‘kicking out all of Congress’ thing and re-holding elections. I mean, yeah, the new system’s a hell of a lot better than the old one, and everyone in Congress is at least thirty years younger now, but I’m pretty sure none of them knows what the hell they’re supposed to be doing. George Washington must be spinning in his grave…
-Jeremy
From: mareinthemoon@magitech.net
To: loveiseternal@magitech.net
Subject: Congress
I am teaching them as best I can. They are all still very afraid of me, but I suppose that is to be expected after I teleported their predecessors back to their countries of origin, rewrote the Constitution, and kicked that one old white one in the face. There is a scheduled luncheon this weekend, would you like to attend? I could use your support.
Sam has not contacted me at all since we parted ways, so I am as blind as you as to his whereabouts. As far as I know, he is not in any danger – at least, not any that he would need to send for aid.
What is a ‘Caramelldansen’? One of the Senators from Rhode Island keeps insisting that I do it. He showed me a picture – is it a dance?
-Nightmare Moon
From: magicman@magitech.net
To: loveiseternal@magitech.net
Subject: Re: Where are you?
We’re currently in a really cool place, I think you’d like it a lot. Brayden doesn’t, though. He thinks it’s too weird and spooky.
Mexico went well – turns out magic ex machina can cure drug addictions, too. You know, because Mexico is definitely a country full of druggies or something. I feel racist even being sarcastic about that. Anyway, we put a new woman in charge, and she’s chill. I gave her your and Nightmare Moon’s email addresses, in case she’s got any questions. She’s a bit weirded out by how informal we’re being about the whole ‘global politics’ thing – I guess she was expecting a bit more ceremony? Now I’m unsure if I should try to do that.
Twilight’s been good, thanks for asking – she’s currently studying your drone’s inventions. I swear, that ‘Synthesia’ is almost as much of a science as you are. How’s the bae?
-Sam
From: loveiseternal@magitech.net
To: mareinthemoon@magitech.net
Subject: Caramelldansen??
Wow. Was not expecting that from a member of the Senate. We must be in better hands than I thought. Yeah, it’s a dance move. Specifically, the one where you raise your hands/hooves over your head, sway your hips from side to side, and bend your wrists/(pony wrists?) in time to the beat.
Sam keeps dropping hints that he’s somewhere I’d like, which doesn’t clue me in at all. Maybe he’s entered the Internet itself?
Sure, I’d love to come! Me and Chrysalis will be dropping in on Saturday. Maybe we can all do the Caramelldansen, as a team-building exercise or something.
-Jeremy
From: loveiseternal@magitech.net
To: magicman@magitech.net
Subject: Re: Re: Where are you?
…Are you going to elaborate, or am I going to assume you’ve transcended reality and reached Meme Heaven?
I haven’t heard from the Mexican president yet. You did give her the copy of the Changeling Constitution (is that really the name for it?) as a source of ideas, right? <-That last bit’s important. Wouldn’t want people to think we’re trying to exact a New World Order here, or something.
The United Nations have been clamoring for me to send you to Europe. I’ve been refusing, on account of first-world-problems being their main source of pain, but they’re not letting up.
I showed Discord the Discord chat client yesterday. He immediately left, muttering something about ‘aesthetic changes’. I may have royally screwed up.
Chrysalis is fine, she’s currently poring over American tax law with me. So far, we’ve dismissed about half of it as pandering to the rich and/or useless societal constructs that build themselves out of themselves to make the system more confusing. The stuff that’s left is pretty helpful, though. We’ve sent it to Celestia for comparison, and so far she’s been giving a lot of useful commentary as well.
Don’t try to be ceremonial. You and I both know we’re decent actors, but middle school acting classes can only go so far when you’re trying to impress a bunch of adults. Wait… are we adults now? Dammit. Anyway, just keep being yourself. The whole point of this is fostering friendship, right? Can’t do that if you’re all stiff-legged and saluting every half turn.
Oh? You mean she isn’t studying human courtship anymore? She must have mastered it, then. Expect a box of chocolates, a Netflix link, and an ice cube.
-Jeremy
From: mareinthemoon@magitech.net
To: loveiseternal@magitech.net
Subject: Saturday fling
It went wonderfully! They are all much more friendly now. I believe your ‘spontaneous dance party’ had something to do with it. Bringing along one of the wrigglers was a nice touch – they want to see little Diplura again at the first opportunity.
The word you are looking for is 'coffin', by the way. It is rarely used.
They keep asking me if such a thing as ‘Song Magic’ exists, and if they can use it freely. Do they mean Heartsong? I am perplexed as to why they wouldn’t know of it, considering they watched the show. Also, there is now a video of me performing the Caramelldansen on YouTube. I am unsure what impact this may have on public relations, but the ‘Likes’ appear to far outnumber the ‘Dislikes’, so that is good.
Speaking of which, I have been re-watching the episodes with the rest of the Senate and House committees. They are quite humorous at some points! My favorite ‘character’ is Twilight, she reminds me much of myself when I was younger.
-Nightmare Moon
From: magicman@magitech.net
To: loveiseternal@magitech.net
Subject: YOU MOTHER...FRICKER
I JUST GOT THAT LAST THING. HOW DARE YOU.
-Sam
From: loveiseternal@magitech.net
To: magicman@magitech.net
Subject: Re: YOU MOTHER...FRICKER
hehehe get rekt
-Jeremy
From: loveiseternal@magitech.net
To: mareinthemoon@magitech.net
Subject: Re: Saturday fling
Diplura loved it too – all the attention she received practically had her bouncing off the Hive walls. We managed to lure her off the ceiling with promises of chocolate chip cookies for dessert. A+ parenting right there.
Just looked it up - I guess it really is called the 'coffin bone.' How morbid.
Is that what it’s called? Never mind, I just checked with Chrysalis and that is indeed what it’s called. Tell them they can only use it if they’re really feeling it, and it helps to be around a magical being. Something about amplification of the effects by passive magic in the air. Earth’s atmosphere, according to Twilight, is now 1.32% magic, compared to the nominal 85.72% of Equestria. I’m still not sure how she’s giving that as a percentage, considering the ‘balance’ isn’t any of the gaseous components of regular air, but whatever, she knows more than I do.
Trust me, that video is going to skyrocket your relations with the younger public. As if they weren’t good already, after you practically destroyed the college-tuition system by assuming all debt to the federal government. I still think that was a clever move, by the way, even if it has been done before. Anyway, don’t worry about it.
Your favorite character is Twilight? You vanilla scrublord, you picked the main character as your favorite. (Chrysalis is best character, no exceptions). Chrysalis, just because I agree doesn’t mean you can type that for me!
From: loveiseternal@magitech.net
To: mareinthemoon@magitech.net
Subject: …
… She hit send before I could end the message. I must seek revenge with this canister of whipped cream.
-Jeremy
Chapter 2
From: mareinthemoon@magitech.net
To: umbralultimatum@magitech.net
Subject: How’s it going?
It seems the Earth is rapidly running out of viable hatred for your kind. I know you have a base in the United States near the ‘Westboro Baptist Church’ – perhaps we could meet up sometime and discuss alternatives?
Also, how is your relationship with Luna going? I hear you two are on the cusp of marriage – congratulations are in order! I should know, as Luna and I were far too cagey with our romantic feelings for far too long. I am impressed that you managed to seduce her!
But enough about our history, let us get back to the present. Where are the rest of the umbra at the moment?
-Nightmare Moon
From: umbralultimatum@magitech.net
To: mareinthemoon@magitech.net
Subject: Re: How’s it going?
FIRST OF ALL, APOLOGIES FOR THE BROKEN ‘CAPSLOCK’ KEY. IT’S BEING FIXED. EVENTUALLY.
SECOND, MOST OF US ARE STILL NEAR THE WESTBORO CHURCH. WE’RE DRAINING THEM AS HARD AS WE CAN, BUT THEY DON’T SEEM TO BE RUNNING OUT ANYTIME SOON – THERE’S SO MUCH RESIDUAL HATRED IN THIS PLACE THAT IT’S ACTUALLY SUSTAINING THEM. IT’S ACTUALLY KIND OF INCREDIBLE.
LUNA AND I ARE DOING WELL. OUR MARRIAGE CEREMONY IS GOING TO BE NEXT WEEK, IN CANTERLOT. YES, YOU’RE INVITED. ALSO, LUNA SAYS TO ‘BACK OFF FROM MY STALLION.’ CONSIDERING SHE’S ESSENTIALLY TALKING TO A MIRROR, I FIND THIS AN ESPECIALLY FUNNY EXCHANGE.
CHIEF TENEBRIS SAYS THAT HE WOULD BE FINE WITH MEETING YOU AND JEREMY. HE REALLY WANTS JEREMY TO BE THERE FOR SOME REASON. SAYS HE HAS ‘GOOD IDEAS.’ THIS, ABOUT THE SAME HUMAN WHO GASSED HIMSELF WITH CHLORINE FOR A SOLID HALF HOUR LAST WEEK. SOMEONE NEEDS TO GIVE HIM A PROPER LAB INSTEAD OF A BACKYARD SO HE STOPS NEARLY KILLING HIMSELF.
-SOMBRA
From: celestialcouncil@magitech.net
To: mareinthemoon@magitech.net
Subject: Earth
How is Earth coming along? I have heard nothing but good things from the rest, but I figured I may as well ask the current most important political figure.
Speaking of which, Sam forwarded a most curious video to me. It appeared to depict you doing some sort of dance move to what appears to be Swedish pop music? Is this what the colts and fillies do nowadays? Perhaps I should join in, it seems to have made you extremely popular with the younger demographics.
I must ask, though, are you planning to expand your borders? The United States of America is quite large, but there are many other countries that are apparently demanding your guidance. The United Nations (did the U.S.A. steal their concept?) are quite adamantly requesting your presence in a summit – they even managed to contact me.
Love,
Celestia
From: mareinthemoon@magitech.net
To: celestialcouncil@magitech.net
CC: loveiseternal@magitech.net
Subject: Re: Earth
Earth is coming along fine – or, at the very least, America is. Just last week, we passed a bill making discrimination of any variety punishable by law. Everyone seemed fine with this, which Jeremy was apparently quite surprised by. Perhaps the umbra have affected more than we thought.
It is indeed a dance, and a most invigorating one at that. You should try it! The fans love it.
(It seems to be the other way around? I am unsure.)
For now, I am focusing on America. Sombra already has agents abroad cleaning up Europe, Asia and Africa, and a few en route to Australia as well. Besides, America is quite the hoofful! Last week alone, I was besieged by so many suitors that I had to take refuge inside the White House. Sister, what do I do about all these human suitors? They are everywhere!
Love,
Nightmare Moon
P.S. We really must remind the others to use a complimentary close in their letters.
From: loveiseternal@magitech.net
To: mareinthemoon@magitech.net
Subject: Suitors
Send them our way, we’ll take care of them. Alternatively, you could always start a harem. *wink wink*
Not-entirely-sincerely,
-Jeremy
From: mareinthemoon@magitech.net
To: umbralultimatum@magitech.net
CC: loveiseternal@magitech.net
Subject: Meeting
My schedule has been busier than ever as of late, mainly because I have been dealing with the plethora of suitors that have been camped outside of the White House for about a week now. I have managed to convince most of them to leave, but a few remain stubborn. At this point, I am giving serious consideration to Jeremy’s suggestion – while tenacious, none of them are belligerent… and all of them are quite attractive.
But I digress. Perhaps this Tuesday would be suitable? I am available from approximately 1 P.M. to 5 P.M.
Sincerely,
-Nightmare Moon
From: lunarlullaby@magitech.net
To: mareinthemoon@magitech.net, loveiseternal@magitech.net
Subject: Re: Meeting
Sounds good. We finally got the capslock key fixed! Synthesia stopped by and figured it out in less than a minute. I suppose she did build the computer. She looks rather thin – has she been getting enough food lately?
Also, Jeremy, Thorax requests a meeting with you. He says he is still confused as to his role in your Hive, and wants clarification on a few things. His schedule is completely open, so he is going to head over to your Hive outpost and wait until you are ready.
Er… what did Jeremy suggest? I must have missed it.
Yours,
Princess Luna
From: mareinthemoon@magitech.net
To: lunarlullaby@magitech.net, celestialcouncil@magitech.net, loveiseternal@magitech.net
Subject: Responses
I have decided to compile these responses into one, as they are so closely tied together – I did not know you could send an “electronic mail” to multiple recipients at once!
Jeremy suggested I form a harem, which has not been common practice in America… ever, as far as I know. I have yet to decide on whether I should or not. The suitors have been placated for the most part with promises of friendship, though some of the male ones keep mentioning something called the “friend zone.” Is this an area I can find to make new friends? They seem quite disparaged about it, so I am uncertain.
The new Congress has been running smoothly as of late – not a single argument has been had. They have been quite useful in instructing me about Earth, and one of them was even so kind as to loan me a history textbook! I shall have to have it copied and sent to everyone, it is a simply fascinating read. Anyway, I have been monitoring the polls – apparently I have an 82% ‘approval’ rating! From what I have researched of other presidents’ approval ratings, this is quite pleasing.
The meeting two days ago went quite well, as Chief Tenebris has agreed to utilize Star Swirl’s Mirror to travel elsewhere. At Jeremy’s suggestion, I might add, Sombra! For now, he and his umbra plan to remain on Earth, draining what’s left of the Westboro Church.
I hope to see you all again soon!
Love,
Nightmare Moon
President of the United States of America
From: loveiseternal@magitech.net
To: mareinthemoon@magitech.net, lunarlullaby@magitech.net, celestialcouncil@magitech.net
Subject: Update
Harems haven’t been common practice… openly. There have been a rare few utopian movements that advocated free sexuality and polygamy, but they were quickly suppressed by the Christian majority. At any rate, when’s the last time anyone’s called you President? Over here, at least, everyone calls you Princess Nightmare Moon. Make of that what you will.
Sam contacted me again – actually, he stopped by in person! Turns out he was at a place called the Crystal Cave in Ohio – it looks a lot like an Equestrian cave or two. Words cannot describe my envy. Anyway, he’s learned how to teleport, so expect to be seeing a lot more of him in the near future. The rest of the Elements are still with him. Avery seems upset for some reason, though…
…Yes. If anyone asks about the friend zone, tell them they are officially in it. Forever. They’re friends for life. There is no escape.
82%, good job! From what I remember, a lot of our recent leaders barely scraped above 50, in part due to the massive amount of party loyalty.
To be fair, it was the most obvious suggestion to everyone present. I think Tenebris was going to bring it up if I didn’t – as soon as he started watching MLP, he zeroed in on that thing like a magnet.
No arguments? I heard that just the other day, there was a pretty vicious one going around. Something about your role as executive officer?
I checked in on Synthesia, and she assured me that she was eating quite well. She also told me that she hadn’t eaten anything in three days, so I took her back to the Hive and made her eat something. If you see her looking thin again, let me know. I’m not about to lose a changeling due to self-starvation when we just solved the regular starvation problem.
Love,
-Jeremy
From: loveiseternal@magitech.net
To: mareinthemoon@magitech.net, lunarlullaby@magitech.net, celestialcouncil@magitech.net
CC: magicman@magitech.net
Subject: Um…
Did anyone feel something just change? I can’t tell what it is, and it’s been bugging me.
I might just be being paranoid, but… that’s eerily close to what a SAVE file loading feels like.
-Jeremy
