The Time Mishap: A History of Ponies

by Regidar

Rating: everyone
Tags: Human, Main 6, Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy, Adventure, Derpy Hooves
Length: 6048

Princess Celestia goes into troll mode and scatters multiple ponies through time.

Princess Celestia thinks it would be hilarious to send Ponies all over history.
Hilarity /history lessons in how I think the world should have gone ensue.

Published 2012-06-28 20:34:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-08 03:12:10 UTC

Princess Trollestia Strikes Again

Chapter 1: Trollestia Strikes Again

Princess Celestia was bored, which could only mean one thing.

Everypony was screwed.

The princess trotted to the royal library to check some spells to amuse her, when she found herself in the time travel section.

Skimming along, one particular spell stood out. It was the spell of Project Temporal Travel.

Grinning wildly, Celestia took the spell, and muttered the incantation.

“For the student I love so dear,
Send her off before fear
To the one with the honest ways
Send her to the broken days
For the One faint of heart,
Send her to the controversial part
To the one who bakes the sweets,
Send her where she’ll know defeat
For the Fastest flyer in the land,
Send her off to the best band
To the one with all the style
All must end, keep her there for while
To the derpiest of them all,
Have her visit them all
To the one with the harp
She’ll soon be under the trap
To the one locked in her dreams
It’ll never end it seems.”

With these power words spoken, a green light shown from Celestia’s horn. It flew from the horn, and out the window to find its prey.

***

Twilight Sparkle was enjoying some tea with Rarity and Lyra Heartstrings when the green light washed over all three of them.

“Dammit Lyra, what did you do?”

“Nothing! I think. It could have been the human modulator I set up...”

“Damn you, Lyra...”

And they were gone.

***

Applejack and Derpy Hooves were inspecting a rock.

“Why’re we inspectin’ this here rock again?” Applejack inquired.

“This is where the muffin gnomes are hiding their treasure!” Derpy assured the orange earth pony.

Applejack looked a Derpy with concern.

“Ok then... Ah’m gonna go inside and-”

“What’s that?”

Applejack looked up. A green light descended upon her and Derpy.

“Ahlright Derpy, whadya do?”

“I just don’t know what went wrong!”

“Yah say that every time!”

And they were gone.

***

Rainbow Dash was giving Scootaloo a flight lesson.

Just kidding.

What she was actually doing was bouncing a ball around with Pinky while Fluttershy went on about some sort of dream she had.

“And then, Pinky put you back together! She had you on display like some sort of grotesque doll, and-”

“Please, Fluttershy. That seems just about as likely as you strapping me to a chair and running a chainsaw through my body.”

Fluttershy laughed weakly.

“Yeah, that is pretty absurd...”

“Exacta-mundo!” Pinky said, eating the ball and jumping to the top of the tree, “Why would i ever want to kill Dashie? It doesn’t make any sense. Especially if I wanted to put her in cupcakes. Everypony knows that pegasus meat is tough and gamey. It wouldn’t be good at all!”

Fluttershy gasped a very loud gasp.

“What is it?”

The terrified pony pointed up at the sky, and a green light descended upon them.

“I’d blame Pinky, but have a feeling this isn’t her fault. This time.”

And they were gone.

***

Dolphin Dream sat at the creek, kicking up mud absent mindedly, thinking about Elijah. It must have been a terrible world to be living in. She hadn’t heard from him in years, 8 to be exact, but she thought of him often.

A green light slowly descended upon her.

“Oh my! Are you here to take me back to Elijah? Take me, oh green light!”

The green light levitated off her and moved away.

“Oh fine! Leave me! Leave me just like Elijah did-”

A large rock clocked Dolphin on the side of the head, spiraling her into darkness.

***

Celestia chuckled to herself, then looked at the dates she had sent the ponies to.

“Twilight Sparkle: 14,000,000,000 B.C.
Applejack: 1822
Fluttershy: 27
Pinky Pie: 1944
Rainbow Dash: 1994
Rarity: 2012
Derpy Hooves: Potatoe
Lyra Heartstrings: 1948
Dolphin Dream: Does anypony honestly care? Because I sure as hell don’t.”

Celestia chuckled as she read the writing to herself.

Then she realised how much trouble the little ponies must be in.

“Oh well, time to solve the problems like I always solve them:
Drink a ton and molest Luna!”

You Thought it was God who Created the Universe? Think Again!

Chapter 2: You thought it was God who created the Universe? Think Again!

Twilight Sparkle opened her eyes.

And was staring at an octopus.

“The hell?”

The Octopus, and her, were also both suspended in the middle of black nothiningness.

“THE HELL?”

The octopus stared at her, and its head began to glow.

“THE HE- ok, you know what, I just don’t care anymore.”

Then the octopus started to talk.

“My child, you have been sent back into the past to witness the beginning of a new universe.”

“Wait, our universe was created by an octopus?”

“Quite so.”

“Huh. Now I know why none of the religions got it right.”

“Now cease your yapping, little one, and watch, as the universe is created.”

The octopus closed its eyes, and concentrated hard. Twilight could see him shacking and squirming, shuddering, and filling up with pure, raw power.He flexed his tentacles, and shot them at a space right in front of them.

Nothing happened.

“Huh. I could’ve sworn that was the right thing to do. I mean, honestly, what else am I gonna-”

The whole area exploded in light.

Blown back by the force of the Big Bang, Twilight and the Creator Octopus were blown to the furthest parts of the universe.

But because the universe wasn’t very big at the time, the Creator Octopus managed to latch on to Twilight’s horn before it got too big for them to find each other.

“Well, that went better then expected.”

“WE NEARLY DIED!”

“Yes, but I created the Universe. So you should be thanking me.”

Twilight grumped.

“This doesn’t make any sense. How were you created then?”

“I was left over from a dimension where a raccoon created it. It was a terrible dimension, all trashed, and no order whatsoever, just throwing things where he damn well pleased-”

“But, who created the creator Raccoon?”

“He said he was left over from a dimension where a koala created it.”

“And the koala?”

“From a dimension where a kumquat created the universe.”

“And that- wait, how did the kumquat create that universe?”

“Your guess is as good as mine.”

“So let me get this straight. Basically, we live in a never ending chain of recreating demensions?”

“That’s correct.”

“And you know everything about this demension?”

“I assume that’s why I didn’t die when the other universe ended.”

“Then what’s the meaning of life?”

The Octopus stopped, and thought for a second.

“Beer.”

“Beer?”

“Beer. Oh, and sex.”

Twilight stared at the octopus.

“Can you send me back to my own time now?”

“Sure thing!”

“Oh, wait. before you go, can you do me a favor?”

“What?”

“At some point in history, make a bunch of people think one of their friends is the son of god or something. That’ll be hilarious.”

“That seems a bit dangerous. What if that person got hurt?”

“As if. Honestly, what’s the worst that could happen?”

I'm going to Hell

Chapter 4: I'm Going to Hell

Fluttershy awoke to find herself in a huge crowd of people.

"What's going on?"

A person who was wearing a "I heart the Roman Empire" t-shirt looked down at her and said "There's gonna be a crucifixion! I super pumped!"

Fluttershy looked around. There were people all lined up while some skinny guy carrying a heavy looking cross staggered down the path.

"What did he do?"

"Oh, everyone was talking about how he was the son of god and everything, and that pissed off the roman empire for some reason, so, here we are!" The man said, smiling. "I wish I had some rocks to throw, that would be great!"

"Rocks! Get your nice hot rocks to throw at the false prophet!" A nearby man with a sack of rocks was yelling.

"OOH!" The first man ran off to grab some rocks.

Fluttershy looked at the man carrying the cross.He was looking over at a group of people who had crosses around their necks and holding a "Go Jesus" sign.

"Aren't you guys gonna help me?Or at least try? Haven't I tought you guys anything?"

"Um, we're kinda busy right now, but we're, um, rootin' for yah!" The leader of the crowd said. then, he turned and whispered to his friend next to him "This is not going to look good in the history books." His friend whispered back "We'll just say that he wanted to die for our sins. It'll make him look like a martyr too!"

The first man returned with a bag of rocks.

"Here, I got some for you too!" The man handed Fluttershy some rocks. "I'm Judas, by the way."

"I'm Fluttershy. So why do you support the Roman Empire? They seem kinda... mean."

Judas laughed. "The roman empire is a rock solid commodity! It'll last for at least another couple thousand years. This stupid "Christianity" thing was bound to die off soon. I'd have given it another 400 years AT BEST."

Fluttershy looked at Judas.Judas smiled back.

"I'm going to help him."

"What? And ruin a perfectly good crucifixion? Are you mad?"

Fluttershy flew up into the air, and raced over to Jesus. He was climbing up onto the cross while people pelted him with mud. At least, Fluttershy hoped it was mud.

"I'm here to help you!" Fluttershy said, grabbing Jesus by the arms.

"THANK YOU!" Jesus said gratefully. "See guys? At least SOMEONE came to help!"

Judas's eyes narrowed. "Oh, we'll have none of this," and he pulled out a giant plasma cannon.

Jesus looked over at Judas "Hey, where did you even get that?"

Judas fired, making a giant hole in the side of the cross.

"SWEET ME, he's really gonna do it!" Jesus yelled. Fluttershy grabbed his hair in his mouth, and flew him to the top of a building.

"Thanks for saving me Fluttershy, we really dodged a-" Jesus was incinerated by another cannon blast.

"EEK!" Fluttershy scrambled away quickly.

Everyone looked around.Judas put the plasma cannon back into his pocket.

The Christians looked around. The leader said "Damn. This kinda ruins the 'bring him back to life' part of our plan."

Fluttershy flew overhead again, this time shouting "You all have to learn from this! You can't just kill all of your problems! You can't go around persecuting people who don't do anything wrong! You can't-"

Judas pulled out the cannon. "I did not come down here to be lectured by a flying horse!"

But by accident, he flipped the switch from "kill" to "send back to own time period" on his plasma cannon.

The shot hit Fluttershy dead on.

"Well, now that's that, we can enjoy another 2000 years of Roman goodness."

Life's a Party

Chapter 5: Life's a Party

Pinkie Pie awoke to find herself in a trench, being stepped on by a large amount of troops.

Pulling herself out of the mud, she poked her head out of the trench, and took a good look around. Explosions, death, and destruction reined.

Suddenly, her face became absurdly manly, and she spoke in a grave, gravelly voice.

"Reminds me of the ;nam. Terrible, terrible place. Well, only one thing to do.."

Pinkie Pie reached for the weapon of mass destruction she had next to her.

"HAVE A PARTY!" she yelled happily as she pulled out her party cannon.

"You do realize we're in the middle of a war zone," a nearby allied soldier pointed out.

"I'm not sure if you're clear on the concept. PARTY!"

A party cannon blast sent the allied soldier flying off to parts unknown.

"No! Sergeant Kenny! You killed him, you basta-" Another well placed shot eliminated the whiner.

The Germans were advancing, but Pinkie would have none of this.

"PARTY!"

Bang.

"PART-AY!"

Bang.

"PERTY!"

Squelch.

"PAR- wait, did it just go squelch?"

Pinky looked back to see a nazi soldier suffocating in hot pastry batter.

"Help! I have a family!"

Pinky Pie looked over at the mound with the nazil soldier embedded in it, and ran over and clkeared the dough from his face.

"Thank you! Trust me, I vill-"

Then she ate his face.

"Sorry, life's a party! You just lost your invitation!" Pinky grinned maniacally while her eyes derped. A nearby soldier who witnessed this had only one thing to say.

"I just shit myself."

Pinky continued her party slaughter straight on to Berlin. This took several months, and by the time she reached there, she had "partied" over 15 billion people.

Um, actually, there are only around 200 million people in europe-

Shut up! Who's writing the story here?

Anyway, Pinky Pie reached Berlin.

"Alright, everpony, take me to your leader or I'll party your face off!"

A soldier ran over to her and tried to shoot her, but she stuck her hoof through his chest, ripped out his heart, and shot the party cannon into his face.

"Ok, yah, ve take you to Hitlar now."

Pinky was deposited to Hitler outside of Berlin in his secret bunker, where she really hit it off with him and his wife.

"Oh, Hitler, you ain't that bad!" Pinky said, laughing.

"Yah, Pinky, und even though you killed 15 billion of my men, you are still an uber riot!" Hitler laughed and slapped her on the back.

"Oh hey, you wanna play a fun game?" Pinky said, pulling out Monopoly.

10 minutes later, Pinky left the Bunker with a time travel device, and Hitler's and Hitler's wife's decapitated heads under her arms. As she got onto the time travel device, she gave all the citizens of Berlin some sound advice.

"Always let Pinky get Park Place."

Grunge just got 20% cooler

Chapter 6: Grunge Just got 20% cooler.

Rainbow Dash fell down a long spiral of endless colors and shapes.

"Woah, this is even trippier than the time I licked snails with Pinky!"

Then she landed flat on her face in the middle of a crowd of wild people.

She got to her hooves and looked around. All of the humans were dancing wildly to some gloomy sounding music, yet somehow upbeat, if possible. Rainbow Dash immediately loved the sound of this intriguing musical sensation.

The leadman up on the stage was a skinny blonde man, who was singing in a gravely, yet melodic voice.

"I think I'm dumb... I think I'm dumb... I think I'm dumb..."

The voice seemed to fill Rainbow Dash with an odd sensation, one she couldn't remember feeling before. Not happiness, quite like it yes, but something a little more muted, and dull. Not so full of feeling, just one of peace.

Then she got clubbed in the face by a headbangng idiot.

"Ah, damnit!" she screamed as she fell back out of the air, getting the wind knocked out of her.

Some more songs played, all of which Rainbow Dash enjoyed very much, even though at one point someone had picked her up and thrown her into a wall during a song called "Heart Shaped Box." Even though this band attracted some weirdos, she still liked it.

So naturally, she wanted to be able to go and see the band after the performance. However, every single other person there had the same idea, so the band drove away to finish its tour before Dashie could get an autograph.

For months, Dashie searched for Nirvana, until one day in early April, she showed up in Seattle. It seemed as though the search for her band was at an end at long last.

Going to the Greenhouse where a man dressed in a chicken suit told her the leadman, Kurt Cobain, hung out.

Entering the Greenhouse, she looked around. Plants grew wildly, and it looked as though they had been untouched for quite a while.

"Mister Cobain?" she called out, hoping her music idol would answer her.

Walking down the deserted rows, she turned a corner to see long awaited idol.

He was putting a shotgun in his mouth.

"THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

With a quick kick, she knocked the shotgun away from Kurt.

"Just let me die!" he shouted at her.

"Why? You make excellent music! People love you! Why kill yourself?"

Kurt sniffed, and tears leaked from his eyes.

"It's Courtney, man! She's just so... so.. abusive! She's a drunken mess, a slob, and just seems to hate me half the time!"

Rainbow Dash hugged Kurt.

"It's going to be ok. I'll help you through this. After, all, you do kick ass. I'd be a disgrace if I didn't help you!"

Kurt got to his feet.

"You know what, you're right! First thing I'm going to do is quit heroin!" Kurt threw the needle he was holding into a bush.

"There yah go!" Rainbow said happily.

"Next, I'm going to divorce that bitch, Courtney Love!" Kurt said triumphantly.

"Now yer talkin!" Dashie said excitedly.

"And, then, I'm going to shoot myself in the head!" Kurt said, picking the shotgun back up and cocking it.

"YEAH- wait, no!" Dashie grabbed the shotgun away from Kurt.

"You're right, got a little off track there. Ok, now that you've saved me, I think I'll finally live my life again! Let's get to the stage!"

Kurt grabbed his guitar and ran out of the greenhouse. Except he didn't look to see if the door was open first.

"Ouch. Huh, I guess all that heroin still hasn't worn off. Heh heh."

Rainbow Dash groaned.

"Ok, let's get you a place booked!" Rainbow Dash said, leafing through a phone book.

"Actually, I want to pursue my true dream of being a coffee shop waiter, bowing down to the whims of a corporate boss and having throngs of angsty people demand things from me. Just like being a musician, but without the unwanted popularity."

Rainbow Dash ignored him and picked a place.

"Here! Bawb's Stinky Bean Farm and Toilet Cleaners. Better then nothing I suppose."

Suddenly, a giant lazer blast eliminated Kurt Cobain.

"What the F-"

Judas stepped out from behind a rock.

"That's for cutting me off in traffic the other day!" He said, flipping the smoking crater where kurt Cobain used to be off.

"Hey, Kuurt, I'm shorry we's had our dif'rences, I lovhe yah.." A very drunken Courtney Love addressed Rainbow Dash.

"Um, actually, I'm not Kurt, I'm-"

"Gives Cour'ney a kish!" Courtney Love kissed Rainbow Dash full on the mouth with PLENTY of tongue.

Rainbow Dash shoved Courtney Love off her and grabbed the shotgun.

"You taste like a prostitute wiped her ass on a alcohol covered tampon! If you take one step closer, I'll blow your brains out."

"Good going there, Dashie!" Kurt Cobain said.

"Yeah, tell that bitch what's what!" said another Kurt.

"Wait, two Kurt Cobains? How did that happen?"

Judas looked down at the controls. The option was set past "kill", "Send back to original time" "Crispy chicken flavor" and "potato" to "clone."

"Damn, how do I keep accidentally flipping the switches all wrong? Damn you cheep chinese manufacturing!"

Rainbow Dash looked at the two Cobains and cocker the shotgun.

"I think we all no what to do here..."

***

Rainbow Dash, and Judas were sitting in front of the TV.

"Hey, Kurt, can you pass the popcorn?"

"Sure!" Kurt said, then turned and yelled "Other Kurt! While you're in the kitchen can you get some popcorn!"

"Sure! But you have to get the beer from downtown when we run out!"

Kurt groaned. "Fine!"

"Police are still getting nowhere on the Courtney Love case," the TV reporter who was on reported. "Police state she was found with multiple shotgun wounds to the face, breasts, and legs in a dumpster with 'drunken whore' written on her."

"And the best part is, your daughter is going to be raised by double the awesome, none of the whore!" Rainbow Dash said.

"Yeah, you're right! Man, is she lucky!" Judas said, downing a beer.

"Thanks for saving my ass back there, guys. You're the best." Kurt said, hi-fiving Judas and hugging Rainbow Dash.

"Anytime, man!" Judas said, grabbing some popcorn from Other Kurt.

"Well, it's best I be on my way," Rainbow Dash said. "Judas, can you blast me back?"

"Sure thing. Have fun!" Judas pulled out the plasma cannon and set the switch to its appropriate setting.

"See yah, Judas! Bye, Kurts!"

Both the Kurts waved goodbye, and Judas zapped Dashie back to her own time.

Kurt looked at Other Kurt.

"So, can you like, you know... do the thing?"

Other Kurt looked embarrassed.

"With Judas right there?"

"Sure, it's not gay if its with yourself."

Other Kurt sighed, and gave Kurt a foot rub.

"Ah, that's the stuff.

Going Out in Style

Chapter 7: Going Out in Style

Rarity landed on a small child crossing the street.

“Oh, sorry, dear, but thank you. You did a good job of breaking my fall.”

The kid groaned. “You did a good job of breaking my legs...”

Rarity trotted off. “Well, it’s not the worst thing to have happened to me. I can still get around this! I’ll look to see what’s in style.”

“This looks like a good place,” Rarity said, entering a “Forever 21” store.
2 seconds later, she ran out screaming, then threw up on the small child who was trying to crawl to a hospital to mend its broken legs.

“That was terrible!”

“Did you just go into forever 21?”

“Yes, how did you know?”

“I had a feeling. Well, not in my legs, but...”

Rarity trotted away. This was just getting depressing.

Walking down the street, she saw people doing shopping, and playing in the snow. She also saw a crazy fanatic standing on the top of a stage at the street corner shouting doom prophocies.

“Cease your Christmas shopping, everyone, a listen!For today, on December 21, 2012, the world is going to end, and we’re all gon die!”

“Shut up, Elijah, you were shouting the same thing in 2006 when you thought the Rapture was going to come, except you were yelling, ‘Repent sinners,” and throwing crosses at homeless people!”

Elijah glared down at the person on the crowd. “My grandmother mislead me! Anyway, this time it’s real! A giant asteroid is going to come and kill us all!”

The crowd began to disperse, calling Elijah things like “crazy lunatic” and “dumbass.”

Elijah looked around wildly, and then settled in on Rarity.

“Rarity! You believe me, right?”

“Um, actually...”

“OH MY GOD, RARITY!” Elijah rushed down from his stage and hugged her full on, stroking her hair and inhailing her scent deeply.

“And I thought Spike was a creepy stalker!”

Spike popped up from the ground.“HAH! You thought I wasn’t going to make it into this story! But you were wrong! And hey, who are you calling a creepy stalker?”

Elijah kicked Spike into a dumpster.

“Oh, Rarity, you are so awesome! I mean, you aren’t my favorite, but you’ll do!”

“I’ll do?” Rarity said, clearly insulted.

“Yes! Anyway, there’s this giant-”

“HOLY SHIT! A GIANT ASTEROID!”

Elijah and Rarity both looked up simultaneously into the sky, and lo and behold, a giant asteroid was plummeting towards the earth and 7 million miles an hour.

Mass hysteria and panic ensued.

“HAHA! I knew I was right!” Elijah shouted triumphantly, doing his ‘dance of triumph’ which looked a lot like the chicken dance.

“Hey, why isn’t everyone congratulating me on being ri- oh, right, the asteroid,” Elijah said, realizing what was going on.

The Asteroid smashed into the earth, killing everyone.

Close Encounters of the Pony Kind

Chapter 9: Close encounters of the Pony kind

Lyra crashed into a wall. She was in a hallway in what appered to be a huge scintific facility.

"I bet there are humans here! I'll have to go and-" a fat grey humanoid thing ran up and hid behind her.

"Hey, talking horse thing, you wanna buy me some time?" It asked her.

"Um who are you?"

"That's not important, but you can call me Roger. Anyway, there's this guy over with a gun, go talk to him."

Lyra gave the alien a suspicious glance, and walked down the hall. Seeing the agent, she trotted up to him.

"AH! ANOTHER ALIEN ESCAPED!"

Lyra looked hurt. "I'm not an alien, I'm-"

The agent hit her over the head with a blunt rock, because you know, scientific facilities are filled with blunt rocks just lying around.

When Lyra came to, she was strapped to an operating table with several saw, knives, and hammers attached to a large machine hanging over her.

"Ok, I'm screwed."

"That you are!" A scientist said over an intercom, as he was in the operating booth behind 3 feet of bulletproof plexiglass.

Suddenly, the wall was broken down by none other than Marty McFly, who unstrapped Lyra and rescued her from certain death.

"Lyra Heartstrings! You are invaluable to the future! We need you, right now!"

Lyra didn't argue.

Running through a series of other blasted holes in walls, they eventually made it outside, where a delorean was waiting parked.

"you guys are lucky I watch all the Back to the Future movies, or else I would be freaking out right now," Lyra told them.

"Ok, time to go to the future!" The Doc said, turnign the car to face a brick wall and hitting the gas.

"WHAT THE HELL?"

"Ok, we've almost reached 88 miles per hour!"

"Hurry up Doc, there's a wall ahead!" shouted Marty McFly.

"We're gonna die, you fucking humans!" Lyra screamed, covering her eyes.

With a flash of light, the delorean broke through and shot into the future just before hitting the wall.

2015

The place that was once Roswell, New Mexico, was now a beautiful park, with the same wall that had been there in 1948 still standing.

"Should we take down that wall? It looks kinda tacky," one of the workers said, eyeing the wall.

"Nah, someone else will do it," said Bawb, his lazy co-worker.

The delorean shot directly into the wall, blowing up and killing everyone and everypony inside.

"See, I told you."

Once the smoke cleared, the two workers saw that the wall was still standing.

"Wow, that's one tough wall."

The Pony That Time Forgot

Chapter 10: The Pony That Time Forgot

Dolphin Dream lay on the cracked cement of a deserted town. Sitting on a half broken bench was someone she had not seen for a long time.

"Elijah?"

The son of Discord who had visited Dolphin so long ago looked up.

"Oh not you again..."

"I missed you so much! you want to go out on a date? Oh! Iknow the perfect place! How about that pile of rubble? Or that burning school? or-"

"Ok, I'm going to stop you right here, because I don't want to do any of this. I'mnot interested in a relationship with you, ok?"

Dolphin looked like she was going to cry.

"No pony ever wanted to be in a relationship with me..."

Elijah looked to the sides quickly, then suggested something.

"Could it be because you are a tad bit clingy?"

Dolphin ignored this, and looked around.

"Why is everything on fire or destroyed?"

"And you failed to notice this until just now?"

Dolphin looked indignant.

"Hey, I was smitten by you!"

"See, clingy. Most ponies move on after their crush is gone for THIRTEEN YEARS! Or, they get a cat, like Rarity did when Big Macintosh dumped her."

"So what did happen here?"

"Oh, a giant asteroid crashed into the earth six years ago. It killed almost everyone but me and Rarity."

Dolphin looked around some more. The ruins of a Forever 21 and a stage still burned. A skeleton of a small child with broken legs lay next to her.

"Wait, so you two are the only ones left?"

"Yeah. So you understand why we can't be together..."

Dolphin gasped.

"You didn't!"

"Sweety, what's going on- oh! Another survivor! but..."

Rarity walked out, with three small creatures next to her. One was a white alicorn, another was a blue alicorn, and the last was almost an exact copy of Elijah.

"Princess Celestia? Princess Luna? DISCORD?"

Rarity gasped.

"How did you-"

Dolphin stared at Elijah.

"This better not be cannon."

"It's not."

Casualty Report

Chapter 11: Casualty Report

Twilight Sparkle opened her eyes. She was standing in the throne room, along with Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Derpy, and Dolphin Dream. Princess Luna walked into the room with a look of relief on her face.

"Thank goodness you're back! Celestia hasn't stopped molesting me since you left!"

"How long ago was that?" Asked Twilight.

"Three months."

"THREE MONTHS?!" The mares all shouted in unison.

"Yup. Everypony thought you had died. Anyway, welcome back."

"Luna! Who said you could leave the molestation chamber?" Came Princess Celestia's voice.

"Oops. Gotta go. See yah!" Princess Luna scurried away.

"Luna, I- oh, you're back! Wonderful!" Princess Celestia pulled all the mares into a group hug. "I was afraid I'd killed you!"

"Well, we're all here, aren't we?" Rainbow Dash said, rolling her eyes.

"Yes, speaking of killing, let's look at your casualty report."

Princess Celestia pulled up a large chart, and everypony got to reading it.

Twilight: Casualties, 0. Events caused: Creation of the Universe, Christianity. Score= 5

"Wait, we're scored?"

"Yes. I suppose you got points taken off for christianity. Next!"

Applejack: Casualties, 0. Events caused: Civil War, End of Slavery, Kentucky Fried Chicken. Score= 2

"Damn! How was ah t' know tha' would start the civil war?"

Fluttershy: Casualties, 0. Events caused: Catholicism. Score= 1

"Oh, ok.."

"Yeah, Catholicism is really bad..."

Pinkie Pie: Casualties, 15 billion. Events caused: Ended World War 2, Hitler's "Suicide". Score= 7

"Yay!"

"What? She killed 15 billion people!"

"Yeah, but she also killed Hitler!"

"True..."

Rainbow Dash: Casualties, 1. Events caused: Saved Kurt Cobain from suicide, killed Courtney Love. Score= 10

"YES!"

"Ah, come on!"

"Hey, she deserves it. Come on, saved Kurt Cobain and killed Courtney Love? She was bound to win anyway."

"True..."

Rarity: Casualties, 0. Events caused: No cannon event caused. Score= 11.

"WHAT?"

"Hah! Beat you, Rainbow Dash!"

"How did she..."

"I guess she fucked with the time stream the least."

Derpy: Casualties, 4. Events caused: The crucifiction, Hitler leading to buy Park Place instead of Pacific Avenue, and Courtney Love meeting up with Kurt Cobain. Score= Potato.

"Huh?"

"You caused all of this?"

"Oh, Derpy!"

"I just don't know what went wrong!"

Lyra Heartstrings: Casualties, 3. Events caused: Back to the Future. Score= 8

"Nice."

Dolphin Dream: Casualties, 0. Events caused: Nothing worth noting.

"Hey, that's not fair to me!"

"Oh, shut up Dolphin..."

Princess Celestia took down the scores.

"And there you have it! Congratulations, Rarity, for first place!" She presented Rarity with a trophy saying "Time Baus" on a small plaque at the bottom.

"And for coming in second, Rainbow Dash, I give you this chocolate bar."

Rainbow Dash begrudgingly took the chocolate. "Thanks..."

"I just hope we haven't caused any long lasting damage to the time stream, that would suck."

Suddenly, a green flash of light filled the room, and when it was gone, the Time Octopus, two Kurt Cobains, a redneck rapist, Judas, a headless Hitler, the broken legged boy from 2012, and Elijah stood in the throne room.

"Oh no," Twilight said, facehoofing.

"Here we go again!"

"Hey, wait, where's Lyra?"

A Taste of the South

Chapter 3: A Taste of the South

Applejack landed face first into a pile of mud.

“Pth!” She spit all of it out onto a very fancily dressed man who was going by in a carriage.

Applejack looked at the man, who was fuming as he inspected the mud damage.

“Ah’m gonna die, aren’t Ah?”

“That would be safe to assume,” the man said, pulling out two twin samurai blades and swinging them down on Applejack.

Applejack grabbed a nearby Black person to use as a shield.

“Aw hell no!” The random african american she had attempted to use as her shield picked her up and threw her into a river.

“NOOO!” Screamed the wealthy white who had previously tried to slay Applejack. “You killed my wife, Blackie Chan, now I KILL YOU!”

“Bring it on, cracka!”

The resulting battled started the Civil War, but that’s not important. What is important is that Applejack was being attacked by a crocodile.

“Th’ hell! Why is ever’thin’ attacking me?”

The crocodile chose not to respond, but rather try and take a huge bite out of Applejack’s flank.

“Ah! Take this!” Applejack wound up her most powerful kick, and let it loose.

But because she was in the water, all in made was a small dent in the croc’s side.

“Well, ah’m gonna die.”

And she would have, if not for the next occurrence.

A strong arm lifted her out of the river.

“Yay! Ah’m saved!"

And then it punched her across the muzzle.

***

When Applejack awoke, she was strapped to a bed. There was a drooling Redneck looking fellow over her.

“Ah’m gonna get raped, aren't ah?”

“Yessiry bob!” The redneck said, preparing to get on with the coitus.

And then Master Chief broke in and killed the Redneck, saving Applejack from untimely rape.

“That was mighty convenient!” Applejack said. “Could you send me back to my own time?”

Master Chief nodded, and used some sort of device to teleport her back.

I don’t know! Don’t look at me like that. I’m not good at historical fiction, plus, I didn’t want to make it overly racist. So shut up.

A Derp in Time

Chapter 8: A Derp in Time

Derpy found herself holding a plasma cannon for no apparent reason.

"Yeah, even I know I should not be allowed to hold one of these. I'm going to have to give it away to the first person I see."

Unknowingly, Derpy accidentally hit the "shuffle" button on the switch of the plasma cannon.

Seeing a guy wearing an "I heart the roman empire"shirt, she gave him the plasma cannon.

"Here, take this, I cannot be trusted with this!"

The man smiled. "Hell, it'll be WAAY easier to kill Jesus now!"

"You're welcome!" Derpy said happily. Suddenly, the green smoke descended upon her again, transporting her to another time period.

She was inside a bathroom, with a short german man wearing an army uniform and sporting a small black mustache.

"Gah! Another vuhn of thees ponies!"

"Wait, what do you mean, 'another one?'" Derpy inquired.

"Ah, dere iz der pink vuhn outside, vhe are playing... monopoly."

Derpy thought. "Pink one? oh! You must mean Twilight Sparkle! I've played with her before. If you take park place, she'll go down. It ruins her whole strategy!"

"Hey, thanks!" the german man saluted Derpy, and ran out of the bathroom.

"Man, he's lucky he's not playing against Pinkie Pie. If he took park place from her..."

Derpy felt herself teleport again.

This time she found herself at a table in a crowded nightclub with a crying blonde woman at the table.

"What's wrong?"

The woman sniffed.

"I've just been dumped! I'll never find love!"

Derpy brushed a potato off the table patted her on the back.

"There, there. I'm sure you'll find someone. Like that guy!" Derpy pointed to a skinny blonde guy with a guitar standing near the stage.

The woman sniffed.

"You think we would go well together?"

"I do! Here, I'll introduce you to each other!" Derpy flew over to the guy.

"Hey! You! Looking for a girl?" The guy looked up.

"Actually, I'm not sure if I'm ready for a relationship-"

"Good! Here, this girl seems nice!"

Derpy introduced the two.

The woman looked at the guy shiley.

"Hi. I'm Courtney. Courtney Love."

The guy looked uninterested.

"I'm Kurt. Kurt Cobain."

"Well, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone! Don't OD on heroin or shoot yourself with a shotgun or anything!"

Derpy flew away, contented.

"I did a good deed. That makes me happy."