Fallout Equestria [Parody]: Legend of the Earthbound (Rebooted)

Fallout Equestria [Parody]: Legend of the Earthbound

By: Plot Twist of Neighpon

Chapter 02: Introductions

August 11, 1999
6:57PM

It was a very warm and quiet night. John was passing the small town park that couldn't have been larger than six acres, when he just happen to look up to see the beginnings of a meteor shower. He hasn't seen one around this area in years and didn't hear anything about it on the news that day. So John takes a seat on a park patio bench and lays down on the round table to take in the show. He tries not to blink as the falling rocks are moving rather fast from west to east. The event lasts for only five minutes or so. But as John is about to get up from the table, he spots a larger meteor moving much slower behind all the others. He assumes it's going slow because it actually entered the planet's atmosphere, and may actually splashdown somewhere... nearby...

His thoughts cut off as he sees this large meteorite make an impossible ninety degree turn, changing it's course completely. It seemed that the new destination for the meteor was... right on top of... him! Great. Just great. Did you see that coming? I didn't see that coming.

John's new thought was, 'Fuck me running,' which was an awesome idea. Running, that is. 'Away' would be a nice direction to start with. John began to sprint down the street towards home only to look behind him and see the big falling fireball seemingly tracking his movements. He abandons his running idea for a duck-and-cover plan. He spots the park's trash dumpster, strides for it in eight steps, and dives in. As soon as he closes the lid over him the air both inside and outside of the dumpster heats up to an almost unbearable temperature. The wind buffers wildly against the metal refuge container, rocking it back and forth, threatening to tip over. John covers his ears with one hand and a shoulder as his other hand holds his nose as the rumble gets closer and louder. John screams like a little girl as he believes his life is coming to an end.

And then... silence. Everything simply stops. The wind went still. The temperature evened out and began to fall. Which is good because John noticed the lid to the dumpster was plastic. And molten plastic isn't very good for the skin, or so he heard. After releasing a breath he forgot he was holding, and then regretting it when he remembered he was sitting in a freaking dumpster, he peeked out from under the lid to see "what in Earth" happened. That phrase, by the way, is used a lot in his town considering where he lived.

He could only see a blinding white light. Actually, a bright, bluish-white glow, like ice, covering the area. In fact, cold air poured through the gap of the lid which caused the air inside the dumpster to go misty and fog up. Then he thought he heard a voice. Maybe some of the other townsfolk heard the noise and came to check it out, he hoped. But the voice didn't sound familiar. John could barely tell it was female. But he couldn't remember any girls from school who lived in this area of town. And again, where did all this fucking ice come from!? It's the middle of August for crying out loud!

"....strings' voice log continued. This thing better be recording. Ahem. I've completed that last spell and stopped my descent. And it seems the portal has worked successfully even though I wasn't expecting that fire. My location is unknown at this time but I'm sure it's not Equestria. I should take some ground and water samp-- Wait! Wait a minute! Incredible! They're buildings in this area! Signs of intelligent life? Alright! Change of plans. I'm gonna cast another spell to target large lifeforms in the immediate area. Oooh! This is so exciting!"

Still hidden inside the dumpster, John couldn't see who or what was talking. But whoever it was, they sound as if it were their first time outdoors. 'Cast a... spell? Are they a witch or something,' John questioned himself as he tried to adjust himself to get a better look outside. Just as he was peeking out the left side of the dumpster, there was another bright flash of golden light. John felt the short hair on his head stand on end as if the dumpster had been charged with static electricity. He gasped in surprise at the feeling; just loud enough that it may have blown his cover....

"It worked! We've got life... over... over there!" John dove for cover again upon hearing the shout, sealing the lid over himself. He heard the footsteps of what sounded like two individuals quickly getting closer to him until they were right outside his metal shelter. "Um, you in there! Come… come out of there now! I… I mean you no harm! B-but if you try to attack me, I… I'll turn you into... into ash! D-do you understand? Do you... can you understand what I'm saying?" There was a loud clang as something was beaten against the side of the dumpster.

There are times in life when you get put between a rock and a hard place. Then there's other times when life gives you lemons. And then you have.... this. One of those WTF moments where you have to choose between 'bad' and 'worse.' John mulled over his options. Here he was; trapped in a smelly trash dumpster wearing nothing but a pair of brown cargo shorts, black sneakers, and a red basketball jersey, trying (very badly) to hide from some being that just traveled through space in, or on, a meteor, and said they would turn him to ash if he didn't come out. Somehow, flashes of future news headlines about black people getting shot for doing nothing went through his mind. Where the hell did that come from?

"You better come out of there... or else! I... warned y-you! I don't want to hurt you! O-okay? Come out s-slowly or I'll blast you!"

'What. The. Fuck? What kind of options are those? And why do they sound so nervous?' John, deciding to choose the 'bad' option, slowly raises his hands above his head and sticks them out from under the lid. "Don't shoot! I- I'm coming out, alright? Just... don't shoot!" John's baritone voice rings with reverb within the metal box, almost giving it a Darth Vader-like modulation. Slowly he stands up, trying hard to keep his balance on the trash beneath his feet. His eyes begin to adjust to the harsh white light the ice produced and refracted as he finally climbs out of the dumpster. The first thing he sees through his squinting eyes is a figure that looks like a large dog standing almost four feet in height, that has HUGE eyes, and has something shining on top of it's head.

"Um, officer? I can explain...," John says thinking he sees a huge police K-9 unit in front of him. "I was just hiding in here because of the meteor that was about to fall..."

"GREAT CELESTIA! WHAT ARE YOU!?" The 'dog' backs away from John a few feet but remains facing him.

"...on... me. Wait, what!? Did I just hear that dog talk? I know I did NOT just hear a talking dog! What the hell was in that dumpster? Officer, if this is a joke, I--"

"Answer me! What in Tartarus are you!?"

"Whoa! Calm down, officer! I'm African-American!" John yells to the dog in question before turning his gaze to the sky. "And why am I talking to a dog? And why is the dog talking back to me!?" John's vision finally adjusts to the harsh light and sees it's not really a dog. It was actually....

"I'm NOT a dog! So stop calling me one!"

"I can see that now, thank you. Although I think a talking dog may have been better in this situation." It was around this time when reality crashed into John and his legs forgot how to work. They went numb and John landed on his butt still staring at the fictional talking creature in front of him. He barely noticed his hands were still up in the air. He made sure he kept them raised just in case. He stared without blinking at the small, technicolor horse. The small talking technicolor horse. The one with the unusually large eyes and shortened muzzle. The one wearing a small, shining red pendant around it's neck. The one with the glowing horn sticking out of it's head. 'Is this really a legendary unicorn from ancient mythology?' John questioned himself. 'Hmm... It seems a bit smaller than what I remember seeing in school books though...'

The 'unicorn' seemed to gather it's composure and confidence as it stepped closer to the bi-pedaled being. The horn seemed to glow brighter as it spoke in a rush. "What is an... 'afrikan amerikan?' What is this place? Are there more of your kind? Do you use magic? How intelligent are you?"

Stunned, John just stared back at the small unicorn. Words were forming in his head but they couldn't reach his mouth. 'I have to be dreaming this,' John thought. 'I must have fell asleep on the table and... Yeah. This is just a dream! Of course! There's no way an equine could talk. It must be due to my excitement of leaving for Japan soon! Okay, okay. I got this!' A shiver ran down John's spine thinking how odd that phrase was. He wasn't sure why.

John shook his head to clear his mind a bit. "I'm sorry. I'm just a little razzle-dazzled from all that's going on. Um... Are you, by chance, a unicorn or a horse?"

The tiny unicorn made a curious face as their ears splayed back, a bit shocked by this creature knowing what a unicorn was. "I'm a unicorn pony to be exact. Now answer my questions! What is this place?"

'What a crazy dream this is gonna turn out to be,' John thought as he blinked in surprise to the pony's question. "This place? This is Earth."

The pony's eyes lit up and seemed to smile at the information. "Alright. Now we're getting somewhere. Okay, what village is this?"

"Um, I just told you. It's Earth. And it's a city, not a village. Well, actually, it's more of a town..."

"WHAT!? But you just said... Grrr! Okay, backup a bit. What land is this?"

John looked around then turned back to the pony. "Um, a park?"

The glow from the pony's horn seemed to get more ominous as it stalked up to John and stuck it's face into his while straddling his half-prone body. "I'm getting very irritated. Very irritated, indeed," they huff in utter annoyance.

John stopped listening at that point. There was a talking pony with their face touching his and he couldn't smell anything horse-like on it's skin or breath. In fact, he thought he could smell... 'Is that mint? Had this pony been chewing bubblegum?'

"I'm going to ask you in the most simplest way I can so that your inferior monkey brain can process it."

That definitely got John's attention for sure. "Wha- Hey! Now wait just a....," John started but didn't get to finish.

"What! Planet! Is! This!?" The pony asked bitterly as it stared down into John's chocolate-brown eyes. It wanted answers to their questions and it wanted them now.

John shook off whatever nervousness he was feeling before and gave the pony a deadpan look in return to their stare. "This is Earth."

"Got it. Now, What town, or city, or village is this," the pony asked, waving and pointing a hoof around the general area but never breaking eye contact. "Tell the truth. I can tell if you're lying."

Without even flinching, John replied as he kept his deadpan stare towards the pony. "This. Is. Earth."

There was a quick eye twitch before the pony's eyes narrowed as a snarl began to form on its muzzle which became a psychotic grin that would make Harley Quinn fall in love with a horse. It spoke softly with much underlying malice in it's voice. "I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill you so hard right now. By Celestia, I'm going to blast you into tiny little... Huh? What? What are you--"

The pony stops as they notice the creature looking up. They follow their line of site up to the claw-like things on the end of their raised arms. One of the claws seemed to be motioning towards the left. The pony turns slowly and sees a huge sign near the black paved road which read, "Thank You for Visiting Earth, Texas. Come back again and make us your number one place on EARTH!"

The pony turned back to the bi-pedal creature and grinned nervously. "So, you... weren't lying. Hahaha. Well, that clears up a lot. Haha. Um, sorry for saying I was... gonna kill you and all that..." The pony's face and coat turns a noticeable shade of pink as it looks away from him.

'Wow. That was a switch,' John thought. 'I never thought a pony could look embarrassed. Not to mention kinda cute as well. Wait, what in the hell am I thinking!? Is this pony even female!? I don't even...'

The pony again regains their composure and turns back to the creature. "Hmm. However, I still have questions. First, are you a monkey or some kind of rare breed of Diamond Dog? And where’s your fur?"

John's body stiffens for a moment before he lets out a long sigh. 'Okay,' he thought. 'It's official. This is not a dream. I would NOT keep calling myself a monkey in my own dream. This is gonna take a while. And what the hell is a diamond dog? And why am I not freaking out like I was before!? Oh, wait. I know, I know. Anime fanatic. Of course my brain would be conditioned for this kind of situation. Duh.'

(To Be Continued)