War Between Us

by Winged Fusion

Rating: mature
Tags: Slice of Life, Human, Romance
Length: 7564

A human named Evan gets into Equestria and learns to live in a land full of ponies. However it then ensues drama and death.

Evan gets teleported to Equestria by Princess Celestia and now gets to live in Ponyville. However when Evan goes back to Earth, his friends become overly suspicious over his disappearance.

This Fic Contains: [spoiler]Sex, Mature Language and Themes and Death[/spoiler]

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-11-22 17:45:46 UTC

Chapter 1

Saturday, 8th October

~Evan's Perspective~

I feel knocked out. I feel like shit. I feel... just basically fucked. I slowly wake up as my head drew a blank. I can't hear anything around me and my eyes are closed shut. My body rested on what could only be described as a rough slab of wood, at least that is what I can make out from the texture anyways. Inch by inch, I attempt to open my eyes, my vision only showing a blur with every inch I open until I shut them back up. I intensely rub my eyes with my hands before trying to open them back up again. While I was doing this, there was no sounds coming from around me, is this what hell is like? Just darkness and complete silence? Finally I was able to open my eyes all the way and this time my vision was much clearer, but it didn't help in knowing where I was.

As my eyes try to get used to being able to see again, I sit up on the plank of wood which I was apparently laying on before and lean against what feels like a brick wall as I look around me. Somehow I am stuck in what looks to be a cellar. There are brick walls surrounding the space around me, except for one side which is covered in vertical metal bars. This looks like a tradition jail cell from an action movie. On the wall opposite to the metal bars, there is a small window, but it seems too small for me to climb through. Suddenly I hear a large door being opened. A loud creaking noise filling the room as I start to also hear... wood? I remain seated as I hear something getting closer towards me. It doesn't sound human. It sounds like wood impacting against the ground, what on earth is going on? Then the sounds suddenly stops and I hear a really masculine voice.

"Your highness, the creature has just woken up"

What did that cunt just call me? A "creature"? Well, to be honest I've had worse nicknames in my days. I was once called a gay faggot back in school, and don't get me started on the names which I got called in college. They ranged from tame names like Gay Boy to Cunt Fuck, kids these days. Then the previous strange sounds resume as they get louder and louder, as if it was nearing closer to me. I readied myself for what could come around the corner, taking deep breaths and making sure not to jump, not to seem like a pussy. Then the head of the thing finally popped out.

Much to my surprise, the head which ended up popping out wasn't of an alien, not a human, NOT EVEN OF A DEMONIC CREATURE... but a horse. I rose my eyebrow, is this some kind of joke? Was I kidnapped by a kindergarten school play? I neared closer to me, it's mouth gaping open as it examined me. This felt strangely unnerving. This thing has HUGE eyes too, kind of like a crossover of an anime character and a typical white horse that you see in bad girly cartoons.

I curiously sit there with my arms crossed and my head titled downwards towards the ground, waiting for the horse to make it's first move. I have no idea what to say or do. How do I even approach this situation that apparently I'm in? Out of all the people, WHY ME?!

"I assume that you're awake now"

My head quickly snapped back up, did it just... TALK?!

"D-did you just talk?"

"Yes I have, but you have nothing to worry about"

Oh great, thats a relief. I'm just stuck in a jail cell with a cum coloured horse trying to talk to me, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT! Might aswell roll with it, I don't have any other ideas on how the fuck I'm gonna get out of here.

"Alright. Just tell me why the fuck I'm here and then just please send me back home"

The horse's eyes narrowed and a stern look grew on it's face.

"If you wouldn't mind, please refrain from using such language here"

This horse sounds so much like my dad that it's not even funny. I try my best to contain my laughter, but couldn't stop myself from smirking as I held it in. When I calmed down I took in a few deep breaths and tried again.

"Sure, now tell me why I'm locked up here? Last time I checked I was at home sleeping"

And it was a damn good sleep too! I dreamed about being king of England and forcing everyone to suck me off, it was great. It was one of those dreams where I was in control of the action, those were always my favorite. I placed my dictator fantasies aside though, I now got a horse to listen to.

"Yes. The truth is that you somehow wondered into a portal that we made inside your house"

Wait WHAT?! Did I sleepwalk or something?

"I don't remember me just causally walking into a portal. What did the portal even look like?"

"Its suppose to look like a mirror, standard looking too. It also has a golden frame around it"

A mirror... YEAH SURE! I just casually walked into my bathroom and thought Damn, I really want to walk into dat mirror! Did I just forget that? Did my roommates pull a prank on me which resulted in me going into this world?... speaking of which.

"Actually, where am I even? I don't recall living next to a prison"

"You are currently in Canterlot. The world that you are currently in is called Equestria if you're wondering"

Great....

"Well, can I go back to my place.. like right now?!"

"Yes you can, I just need to ask you a few questions. About you, your world..."

Double great..... Not only am I sitting in this cell, but I'm also now about to get bombed with questions from a horse! I got comfortable in my seat, this is probably gonna take hours.

"Sure, fire away"

"Actually, I would like to take this conversation else where. Follow me please"

Then another horse showed up. This one is also pure white, but also wore a golden armor and is holding a spear. This horse is also holding a key with his... err... pixel dust? Thats the best way I could describe it anyways. Its just somehow levitating without him touching it. I also noticed how his horn is also glowing the same colour. Are they somehow connected? Whilst I'm thinking, the cell door finally got opened. I jump off my wooden seat and walk towards the horse, I should really know a better way to call them.

"What is your name anyways?"

"My name is Princess Celestia" she responded

"Alright, Celestia is fine for now"

That might have been a tad disrespectful seeing how shes apparently a princess, but honestly I don't care. I'm going home by the end of the day anyways, I really couldn't care less about what my image would be at the end of this nightmare.

"And your name is?"

"Evan, Evan Burrows"

"Nice to be acquainted with you, Evan"

"Likewise" I lied

We continued walking. Walking through hallways, passing by doors until we reached a large double door which Celestia opened with her pixie dust, I should really figure out that that shit actually is. But more on that later, cause I have other more important things to figure out.

"Why did you even make a portal inside my house anyways?"

"Several years ago we made two portal which both led to different worlds. One portal leads to your world and the other portal leads to another world, but both of the worlds are inhabited by creatures like you"

So I apparently fell into one of those portals... WAIT did she just call me a creature?!

"You know, us creatures have a name. We are called humans, not creatures. Also, where does that second portal lead to then?"

"It leads to a currently unnamed world, but it also has humans like yourself" Celestia explained

So throughout that entire year of me living in that flat, I had a magical mirror which apparently is a portal which could teleport anyone to a world filled with talking horses. I guess that explained why I found the mirror at a garbage site. Its not like it was broken or anything, plus it was for free! Who wouldn't take something like that for free?!

"Here we are" Celestia said, getting my attention

In front of us stood a rather big mirror with a golden outline and a ruby on the top of it. So its as easy as that? Around the room also stood guards and one out of place looking horse. This horse is purple and has a horn and a pair of wings. It just stared at me with an wide eyed expression, understandably really. I am kind of an alien to the residents here, I guess I'll let it slide for now. I didn't pay much attention to that though cause the mirror is what I am here for.

"Well I would LOVE to hang around some more" I lied "But unfortunately I have other shit to do rather than staying in HorseyTown"

I could hear a couple audible gasp from one of the horses. Let me guess, that horse doesn't like swearing either

"What about the questions?" Celestia asked, walking up behind me

Oh yeah... don't have time.

"I do apologize but I just remembered that I got... err.... a doctor appointment! I know, such a shame, isn't it?"

I do admit that I am quite a cunt, but I really do have better things to spend my day on rather than just answering questions. I then walk towards the mirror. I touch the middle of the glass part of it and it began glowing, thank God it works. I gave a last look to Celestia and then prepare myself to go through.

"INCOMING!" A voice shouted out

I look out the window, where the voice was exclaimed from and I could see a rock coming this way! It isn't like a giant rock or anything, it's more like a regular looking stone. However out of pure instinct, I duck down as to avoid making this day even shittier. The rock thankfully went over my ducking form.... but it did hit something. Next thing I know, I hear an audible smashing sound coming from behind me. I slowly lift my head up and turn around... my eyes then widen and my mouth forms into a gape. In front of me now stood a completely shattered mirror with several shards of glass spread across the floor. I'm at loss for words.

"Err.... I HOPE I DIDN'T BREAK ANYTHING!" The voice called out again

I am going to kill that horse.... My eye twitched as the room was filled with silence. Was that it? Am I just stuck here now? Oh please, SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME I CAN STILL GO BACK TO EARTH! I then hear some hoof steps coming my way from behind me.

"So, are you ready to answer my questions now?" Celestia asked me, smirking

Oh no she didn't...

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?! HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO GET BACK NOW?!"

"Take that as your punishment for your rather rude actions you gave me today. We will try our best to fix the portal, but it will take some time" Celestia explained

"How long?!" I stress

"No more than a couple months"

Great! So now I'm stuck here all because of a fucking rock. DUMB ROCK! I take in a deep breath in and then release it. There is only one way that this is going to go, which is me living in this horse world. Could be worse... right?

"Ugh... what are the questions?" I gave in

"Twilight, here is where you come in" Celestia said after a quick giggle

Is she laughing at my misery?... I swear I'm gonna end up killing someone here eventually. The purple coated horse then walks up to me, guessing that this one is called Twilight. Hopefully she won't be as brain dead as the books and movies by the same name.

"Now, if you don't mind I would like to ask you a couple questions about your race, your world. Starting with..."

~Several minutes later~

So I was wrong when I called her brain dead... SHES A FUCKING BOOKWORM HORSE! She would just go on and on with questions, asking me about every fact which I give out. I told her about such stunning things like if there is magic on Earth, are there ponies on Earth, and why do I have sausages on my hooves. Stunning shit, I know...

"Alright, that would be all. Thank you for your time" Twilight said, starting to walk away

"Wait!" I call out for her, causing her to turn around "So you get to find out shit about me and my world, but I don't get to find out about yours?!"

A smile then crept onto her face. Oh no, what have I just done.

"You would like to know more about Equestria?" Twilight exclaims, running back to me and disturbing my personal space

"Well, if I'm gonna have to live here then I should know where I'm gonna be living at"

Her smile only grew wider as I spoke my words.

"I can teach you about ANYTHING you want. It can be royalty things, the different types of ponies OH!"

Jesus, she is getting way too into this.

"I have a perfect way in which I can teach you all about Equestria!" Twilight exclaims

Suddenly her horn lit up with the same pixels like I saw before. However this one is a different colour. Does every horse in this world have their own specific... glow? I really should know about this. Not a second later a blackboard, a chair and a student table shows up in front of me... oh no she isn't...

"You are going to be my student for the day!" Twilight cheers

Nope! I already tortured myself enough in secondary school and college, no need to go through the whole school system again.

"Can't you just simply tell me the answers to my questions? I really don't want to go with this"

"But this is the best way to do this" She frowned "This way you will surely get answers to all of your questions and even some that you didn't even think about"

I guess theres no way of bypassing this one.

"Fine..."

"I'll leave the both of you here" Celestia spoke up "Once you're finished, meet me back where you woke up"

Wait, what?

"Are you telling me that I'm gonna live in a jail cell for the next few months?!"

"No. But until we find a available home for you, we have no other choice" Celestia said as she finally left the room

So I'll be living like Hannibal Lecter for the next few days, just what I always wanted! I quickly return my attention to Twilight whos already scribbling down notes on the board. I guess I might aswell give a fair chance to these horses. They're still letting me live here... I hope anyways. I don't really have much choice until I can get back to my own world.

"Now if I can get your attention please" Twilight said, getting my attention "There are three types of ponies in Equestria. These are Earth ponies, Unicorns and Pegasus"

So I already learned one thing, they are called ponies and not horses. Her rambling continues. She starts talking about the Equestrian history, alicorns, several events such as how Celestia apparently had to banish her own sister to the moon and how the six elements of harmony came about. It did sound like a cartoon at times, but I wasn't in a position to question anything. To be honest... these stories were kind of interesting, definitely better than usual school. I don't remember the last time that my teacher would teach the class about evil creatures, that would have been sick.

"Do you have any other questions?" Twilight asks

Several thoughts rush through my mind. How am I going to get a job? How am I going to get a place to live in? And most importantly, WHERE THE FUCK DO I EAT?! Don't ponies just eat grass and hay? Am I going to have to spend my months living here without chicken? I could feel a single tear forming in my eye just by thinking of having to turn into a vegetarian.

"I will take your silence as a no" Twilight said, beaming "Class dismissed"

I got off the chair as all of the things that she summoned with her magic disappear. Oh yeah, I also found out that the glow thing that kept on appearing on other pony's horns is apparently magic. I was just about to go out until Twilight stops me.

"So where are you heading now?" Twilight asks

"To where Celestia told me to go. I might need some help with directions though" I said, making Twilight smile for some reason

"Oh, you listened to her!"

I raise an eyebrow at that.

"Umm... yeah, and?"

"It's just that you seemed so... unpleasant to her before" Twilight said, making her ears fall down

"Look. I've just been transported here out of nowhere and I now can't get back for a few months. I think that anyone would be pissed at that point"

She still winced at my rude language. Even though I may improve my behavior, there is no way of me not swearing.

"Still, I think that you could have just toned down a tiny bit" Twilight mumbles under her breath, but I didn't pay much attention to it

For the next minute or so, Twilight directed me back to the jail cell. I also notice from outside the windows that its starting to get dark out. Twilight mentioned in her little schooling session that the black princess apparently has the powers to raise the moon and make it night.  Also Celestia has the power of the sun, which is more impressive in my books. In my opinion having power over a giant fire ball is way more impressive than having power over a planet which looks like cheese. I would personally rather have control over the sun if I had a choice. Maybe I should start going back to gym to get buff enough to move the sun.

"Here we are" Twilight said, snapping me out of my day... night dreaming "I hope that you'll enjoy your stay here, good night"

She didn't even give me a chance to respond before going out of the door. I walk towards my jail cell where Celestia is already waiting for me.

"Are you now more informed about Equestria?" Celestia asks

"...Can you seriously control the sun? You must have some mad abs on your horn to do that" I thought out loud, causing her to sigh

"I'll take that as a yes. A guard will be here very soon with your food, I hope you'll enjoy it" Celestia said as I made my way inside the cell

She then locks it shut, making me a prisoner again. At least I'm going to be fed, hopefully something good. Before Celestia could leave I quickly spoke up.

"Thanks Celestia"

She turns her head around to face me and then smiles.

"You are quite welcome Evan. Hopefully you will be acting better after you get some rest. Good night"

She then went out of the room, leaving only me here. I sat on my wooden board, probably meant to be my bed, and wait for my food to get here. It just let my mind run free with questions, such as how the fuck am I going to get both a house and a job? Will ponies even employ a human like myself? I may be a tiny bit of a cunt, but I'm still grounded to reality to the point of me needing to get a job. Also I have no idea what the other ponies would think of me. I guess I could treat them like my mates, but if they have a problem with my swearing then they'll just have to deal with it, cause I ain't stopping. Also, what would my mates even think happened to me?

Back on Earth I lived with my two best mates. Gabe who was the chubby and shy one, but also really smart. And Shawn who was your average skinny white guy from the hood. Plenty of brawn not not the smartest fella you will ever meet. Shawn was like the leader of our little trio that we settled into, whilst I was the more laid back guy. I could feel myself chuckle a little bit after what they could think happened to me. They probably think I got mugged or something. I lived in a riskey neighborhood my whole life. There were gangs, shootings and plenty of violence everyday. It even became a struggle just to go into a nearby shop to get some milk. Everyone living where I live was always on look out. Not everyone was bad, but there were a couple which could very well be your worst nightmare... speaking of nightmare, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY FOOD ALREADY?!

As if it was right on cue, I suddenly hear the giant door which led to this room open. I turn my head to the side to see whos coming. A white pony with golden armor walks by and stopps at my cell.

"The princess has called me to give you dinner. I will leave it inside your cell" the guard spoke

He then levitates the key to the cell with his magic and puts it inside the lock and then twists it, unlocking the door. I casually sit back on my wooden bed as this is going on. He cautiously walks towards me with a plate being held up with his magic.

"Ummm... you don't eat ponies... do you?" the guard asks, taking another step forwards

I blink, is he serious?

"No, why do you ask?"

He then reveals what is on the plate by swooshing it right next to my face. On the plate is a SLAB OF STEAK?!

"Princess Celestia said that you eat meat, doesn't that mean that you eat ponies?"

The guard then took another step back. I try my best not to laugh at his display. Who knew that the guards here were such pussies?

"Nope" is all I said before taking the plate and then starting to devour the steak

Its so juicy! Then I realize it.

"Why did you have meat anyways?"

...silence. I turn around to see my cell being locked again and the guard being nowhere to be found. I laugh to myself, I must have scared him half to death, thats a first. I continue to eat my steak. Another question which I have is how come ponies were so good at preparing steak? I would imagine that they'd have no idea how to make a proper meal which consists of some kind of meat.

"You're not the only meat eater you know"

I jump.. and maybe let out a scream, just a little one. My heart slamming against my chest, my eyes shirk down to it's possible lowest size. Once I recovered from my heart attack I finally spoke up.

"Who the fuck is here?!"

"I gave you quite a scare, didn't I?" The voice giggles

It sounds feminine, and I'm just assuming that its a pony. So it has to be a mare. Oh yeah, Twilight told me the specific names for ponies with different genders. Males are called stallions whilst females are called mares, also kids are called fillies.

"Psh, I wasn't scared"

Alright, maybe I was... JUST A TINY BIT THO!

"Sure you weren't"

I could then hear a sound which resembles a wing flap and then hooves colliding onto the ground. So this mare has to be a Pegasus. I place the plate back onto the ground and then stand up from the bed. I watch the room cautiously. However it is rather hard to see since the room is almost pitch dark, only being illuminated by small splotches of light coming from the wooden torches which were hung up on the walls.

"Just come out already... just do it slowly, don't you dare jump scare me"

I then heard another giggle. It was honestly rather cute, but I try not to show it on my face as it remained serious looking. I heard a series of hoofsteps coming my way, I embraced myself for a loud noise or a random shape to pop up right in front of me. This mare definitely seems to be the joker type, from what I could hear anyways. Then slowly right in front of my cell, I could see a shadowy figure emerging from the darkness. She stepped one hoof in front of another in a dramatic fashion. Kind of over dramatic to be honest. Then inch by inch the pony then shows herself completely, a dark coloured pony with... bat wings?

"You must be the weird creature that the guards have dragged in here" She spoke, getting closer to the bars

Alright, is "creature" really the best things ponies can come up with to describe me?

"I guess I am. What exactly are you though, I don't recall Twilight telling me about weird bat pony hybrids"

Not only that she seems to have bat wings, but also she has very noticeable fangs coming out from each side of her mouth. She giggles and went up even closer to the bars, practically grinding against it at this point.

"Oh, did she not?" She said in mock frustration "I'll certainly have a few words with her tomorrow"

She stands up on her hind legs and wraps her forelegs around the bars, keeping her up.

"I'm a bat pony, the only ponies to be accepted into the lunar guard" She said

Twilight did mention how both Celestia and Luna had their own types of guards. Celestia had the celestial guards whilst Luna had her lunar guards. I still don't know why they wouldn't just use... what are their names again? The ponies without wings or horns.... errrr. Fuck it, I'm just gonna call them Lame Ponies. Why wouldn't they just use lame ponies for being guards? Aren't they super strong or some shit?

"That still doesn't explain why your here whilst I'm trying to eat"

"Well to be honest working as a lunar guard most of the time is pretty boring. When I heard about you being held here, I just had to check you out... and to answer your previous question, us bat ponies also eat meat" She says whilst licking her lips

I would normally make a lewd joke here, but I'm guessing that if ponies don't allow swearing then they DEFINITELY won't take sexual jokes too lightly either. Either way, I sit back down on my piss poor bed and carry on eating my meal.

"And I'm not only talking about the food, I do enjoy other types of meat in my mouth"

I froze, da fuk did she just say?! Maybe Equestria isn't as PG as I first thought. I guess the only two ponies who told me not to swear were princesses, obviously they would be up class compared to the rest of the population. But how the fuck to I even follow that up when talking to a colorful horse? I try to imagine her as one of my mates, maybe that would make he sound more natural. Me and the rest of my friends did usually say these types of things, so I'm used to it.

"You love dick that much then? You're a fucking slut then"

That was as smooth as a baby's ass.

"Yeah, I guess I am" She then giggles "Sometimes I would rather have it be in my pussy then in my mouth"

Am I seriously talking about sex to a horse? Actually no! Shes a BAT pony, completely different.

"Nah, I would rather cum inside the mouth. Tends to be less messy that way" I say whilst I eat another big chuck of my steak

"Hah, I normally don't have these types of conversations with the stallions here. They're always super proper and boring"

"I can imagine. When I first swore in front of the princess she told me to stop"

I could hear the mare gasp. So far, shes my favorite pony I've met here. The fact that I can sit back and have a normal conversation with her is just out of this world for me.

"You swore in front of a princess?! You're lucky you got somewhere to stay then. If I would have sworn in front of her then I would have straight away get kicked out of the lunar guard, no second chances"

"What can I say, I'm a rebel" I said whilst flexing my muscles, causing her to chuckle "Whats your name by the way, since we're obviously trying to be proper in this conversation"

"The name is Midnight Blossom, yours?"

"Evan Borrows, just call me Evan though" I said with a wink

"Well I'm gonna go before somepony catches me not at my post, I'll catch up with you later" Midnight said, dropping herself off the bars

"Sure, see ya" I said, waving

She wave back and then flew back into the darkness, once again leaving me alone in my cell. I place my now empty plate onto the floor as I laid down on my bed. Thankfully theres a small pillow and a rag to keep me warm. I pretend as if I'm back home and burrow into my rag and prepare for sleep.  God knows what tomorrow will hold. I slowly close my eyes and let my mind go blank, letting myself get enveloped into my dreams.

Saturday, 8th October (Night)

I slowly open my eyes as I feel my body being laid across the ground. I lift my head up and scan the area, its dark and filled with what seems to be fog. I lift myself up and stood in one place, unsure on what to do next. Is this a nightmare? I would pinch myself to hopefully wake up, but I want to wait this out a tad longer. I start to walk forward, nothing around me changing. Theres no buildings, no trees, no ponies or humans. Just darkness as far as the eye can see and my feet are walking on what feels like gravel. Even when I move, nothing around me changes. The world around me seems to be in a frozen state.

What am I even doing here? Wherever here even is. I stop moving and just stand in place, trying to gather my thoughts together. I just got teleported into a world filled with talking colorful ponies, then a bat horse hybrid then started talking about sex to me and now I'm wondering a never ending wonderland filled with a whole bunch of nothing. What the fuck has my life become?

"So you must be Evan, my sister has told me all about you" A voice appears from... the sky?

I look around me, what is it with random female voices appearing in dark places today?

"Yeah, I'm Evan... who are you?"

"Pardon my mysteriousness"

I look up to the sky, where the voice seems to be coming from. Her sister told her about me? Well, aren't I popular? Suddenly I see a small shimmer of light come out of the sky about me, getting bigger as it seems to be getting closer to me. I block my eyes from the burst of light with my arms, waiting for it to go away. Who is this person anyways? Am I even still in Equestria at this point? Was the whole pony thing a dream? Finally the light calm down and I lower my arm back down. In front of me now stood a dark coloured horse, I guess I still am in Equestria.

"Who exactly are you again?"

This pony is dark coloured, kind of a dark blue mixed with a bit of black. It's also wearing a crown and has both wings and a horn... wait, is she...

"I am the princess of the night, but you may call me Princess Luna" She introduces herself "Or just Luna"

So this is Celestia's younger sister... she might not be as powerful but it definitely cooler looking. She looks so mysterious and spooky.

"So Celestia has told you about me... what exactly did she say about me?" I ask, hoping to maybe get a bit of the gossip from her

I don't know if Celestia would have spread some gossip about me to her sister, but it would be good to be sure.

"She said that you're an.. interesting creature"

Oh great, the creature nickname that I love OH SO MUCH!

"What do you mean by an interesting creature?"

"As in... different, completely different from what we could have imagined" Luna says

"Ugh, just tell me what she said. Did she say that she was OH SO OFFENDED by my swearing?"

"Even though she did mention your constant... rude language" I roll my eyes "She also mentioned how you were also fascinating"

"Fascinating as in weirdo or fascinating as in interesting?"

"Interesting, definitely interesting. So I assume that you were already told about me"

"Yup, Twilight has told me about you. She said something about you being able to control the moon and go into other pony's dreams, that must result in you catching a bunch of ponies stroking their carrot, right?"

She rolls her eyes. She seems to be more my type of princess. She doesn't complain about me swearing, and she looks pretty cool too.

"Yes, as you can see right now, we are currently in your dream. I can control them and watch them, and yes sometimes I do catch a few... lewd dreams and fantasies here and there"

I chuckle, definitely like her so far.

"I will sometimes watch over your dreams, but not all the time. There are several ponies in Equestria and so I will only get to get a hold of you every once in a while" Luna explains

"Cool. Well just make sure you don't run into me having my chaotic dreams. Trust me, shit gets REAL fucked up in my dreams sometimes"

In addition of me being a cunt, I also frequently have screwed up dreams. They sometimes involve such wonderful things such as explosions, rape and murder. I would call myself a psychopath but in all honesty most people probably have those types of dreams. And seriously, would anyone not take the opportunity to rape someone in their dreams? Its not like its real life, meaning that you can get some poontang by force and not even go to jail for it.

"I will keep note of that. Anyways, farwell. I've got several other ponies which I have to watch over tonight" Luna says as she expands her wings, getting ready for lift off

The more I think about it, the more creepy and stalkish Luna seems to me. You can have the best lewd dream imaginable, and then at the corner of your eye you see a horse with binoculars staring you down. I simply give her a wave and watch her fly off to the sky... now what do I do?

Sunday, 9th October

"Do I really have to take a fucking test?!"

So get this, right. The next day, I wake up and feel SO FUCKING FRESH. Have some nice... salad, probably not the best thing I've eaten in my life. And then fucking Twilight comes over to me and tells me that I need to take a test about what I've learned yesterday!

"Yes, its essential so see if the things we've talked about yesterday stuck in you head" Twilight says as she thuds my head with her hoof

This blows. Not only do I have to live in a horse world, but now there are also tests which I have to sit through?! I call bullshit on that.

"The answer is no! I already got through school, I don't need to sit through another lecture"

"Oh common. Some of my friends are coming today, and I want you to know what you're talking about. Just please do it, it won't take long" Twilight pleaded

I rolled my eyes. I could tell that she wouldn't give this up. Might aswell get this over with, no use of arguing with an Albert Einstein pony.

"Ugh... fine"

~45 Minutes Later~

Yup, took no time what so ever... totally no sarcasm.

"Well lets see how you did..." Twilight said, picking up my sheet of paper

I believe that I A*'ed this test. The hardest part for me was learning how to operate a fucking quill. To be honest, most of the time was spent in preparing, the test itself only took around 15 minutes. As she marked my sheet of paper, I just looked at her expression. I really don't care what I end up getting in this test, it's not like its going to change anything.

"Heres your... paper... back" Twilight said reluctantly, giving back my paper

I look at the paper. There was 10 questions in this test, and I've gotten... 8 correct!

"See?! I know my shit" I boast

"You aren't mad about you not getting a perfect score?" Twilight asks, shocked

I swear to God this pony is a nerd.

"Why would I care about me not getting two questions correct? What were the answers to those anyways?"

"The forth questions was" She says, picking up the paper "What is the type of pony without wings or a horn?... and you answered with... lame pony"

"Well, I wasn't wrong. I would hate my life if I was born without wings or a horn"

"You can't say things like that, other ponies might find that offensive" Twilight scolded me

I'm really starting to despise this goddamn horse.

"Whatever, whats the other question?" I say, trying to move this along

She looks back down onto the paper. Offending ponies, who the fuck nowdays gives a shit about offending people?!

"The answer to that question was Earth Pony. The other question you got wrong was" Twilight reads out "What does the EUP stand for? And you answered with... Erection... Up... Poontang" She winced with says my answer, I on the other hand try to hold back my laughter

"What? I had no idea so I just wrote down what made sense" I defended my answer

"The answer to that was Earth Unicorn Pegasai... and I've got no words for your answer that you wrote down"

Great, less time being wasted by your endless blabbering about world peace and all that other shit.

"Now can I go?" I ask, standing up from my seat

~Later That Night~

I aimlessly look around my cell, my mind empty with shit to do. A few hours ago I was about to meet the OH SO WONDERFUL PONIES, they were alright to be honest. There were only three that came... haha, came.  One of them was a orange la- I MEAN earth pony. She had this very noticeable southern accent and was also wearing a cowboy hat. She was alright... but I unfortunately made a mistake of calling her a lame pony. Luckily she didn't seem offended, more angry than anything.

The other pony was yellow and with wings. I swear to God this bitch was on mute or something, cause I couldn't hear a fucking word she uttered. At first when she walked in she looked excited. Twilight told me that was because she takes care of a bunch of... creatures and was ecstatic to see me. Other than the whole quiet thing.. and her stupid name, she was also alright.

But last but not least, the last pony which came was definitely the best new pony I've met today. She was a pure white unicorn with swirly purple hair. SHE WAS AMAZING! If I were a pony, i would be in love with her right about now... but thankfully I'm not. She was definitely the easiest horse to talk to. I don't really know why she was better than anyone else I've met today, but she somehow was.

I did seem to come out of my shell a bit tonight. I talked more, interacted more.... still swore a bit tho, obviously. It wouldn't be me if I didn't say at least 3 different swear words everyday, which I've already done tonight. One was to describe Fluttershy as being "quiet as fuck". Second one was when I "accidentally" spilled punch all over Applejack and I said "Oh shit" in totally not a sarcastic tone. And the third was when I called Applejack a cunt to Twilight when she scolded me for spilling punch all over her. I just didn't like Applejack. She didn't know how to take a joke and she was way too uptight for my standards, somehow the posh looking pony was less uptight than she was. All in all, today was a good day.

Suddenly I hear the door that led here open. I turn my head around to see whos coming. The room is way more lit than yesterday. I told Twilight at the start of the day that the room was dark, so she told the guards to make it less dark for me. I look towards the corridor which led to each cell, trying to spot the pony. I then see a floating lantern begin encased by a blue aura, definitely a unicorn then. I then see two ponies walking in my direction with the lantern in front of them. I recognize them straight away, it was Rarity and the cunt horse.

"Oh, there you are. We've been looking all over for you. Can't believe you have to live in a cell, all locked up from accessing the castle" Rarity says as she and Applejack go up against the bars

"Well, I guess they don't trust me enough to have me wonder around the castle at night. Why are you two here anyways?"

Rarity looks over to Applejack, this ought to be good.

"Rarity wanted to make you a deal. Quite frankly I don't know why she even bothered seeing how you've been acting to Twilight and me tonight" Applejack says, keeping a stern look

Rarity groans and faces back to me. I fucking hate that cunt horse.

"Look, I heard that Princess Celestia has been looking all over Ponyville for a home for you to live in. Unfortunately it doesn't seem like she'll find one any time soon. So I want to give you an offer" Rarity says

Well that got my interest. An offer about me having a home? COUNT ME THE FUCK IN!

"Alright, go ahead and tell me"

I'm excited. Finally not having to live in a prison cell and sleep on a wooden board.

"I'll allow you to stay at my house, but on one condition" She says, adding a dramatic pause "You have to both get a job and behave yourself in front of other ponies"

...I think I just came with excitement. I not only get to live in an actual house, but also with a pony that I kinda like. Better than living with quiet or cunt horse, thats for sure. Applejack looked over at Rarity, giving her a shocked expression.

"What in tarnation! Y'all can't possibly be serious!" Applejack shouted out, ooo she mad

"Now really Applejack, everypony deserves a chance" Rarity countered

"I'm not really a everypony you know..." I mutter under my breath

"Just give him a chance AJ"

Applejack then scoffs and seals her lips. Rarity then turned her attention back to me.

"So, are you willing to do the deal?"

I didn't even think twice. The answer was so obvious.

"Obviously! I was planning on getting a job anyways, and the whole being friendly thing... I'll try"

"No way y'all gettin' a job with that kind of language" Applejack muttered under her breath, still loud enough for me to hear

"Then it's settled. We'll talk about this to Twilight and Princess Celestia tomorrow morning"

I can't believe this. Second day in this bullshit world and I already have a place to live in. Sure I have to get a job and all that other crap, but that shit was on my bucket list anyways. Sure CuntJack most likely hates me, but that doesn't matter right now. I'm now not homeless! Only God knows how the rest of my life here will go, hopefully only good things will happen to me. You know what they say, good things happen to good people... or absolute cunts in my case.