Luna’s Anatomy Problem

by Bendy

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Random, Alternate Universe, Human, Princess Luna, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy, Romance
Length: 1808

Even though it breaks her heart, Princess Luna turns down your romantic advances, over an issue involving her alicorn anatomy.

Even though it breaks her heart, Princess Luna turns down your romantic advances, over an issue involving her alicorn anatomy.

Alternate universe take on Alicorn Body Issue, in which the human tries to woo Luna instead. If this is your first time reading this kind of story, I recommend that you do NOT read the prequel if you don't want the joke to be ruined.

A big thanks to Lunatone for editing this.

Published 2016-11-19 23:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-11-19 23:00:01 UTC

Moon Anatomy Problem

Standing upon two legs was you, a human. You were currently walking along a beautiful white marble corridor and you were holding a single nightshade flower in your right hand. You were dressed in thick, black, heavy plate armor with a horn helmet, like that of a German Teutonic Knight, topped off with a massive claymore held within a scabbard strapped to your back.

The heavy clank of your steel boots echoed across the hall as you slowly made your way to your destination.

A short time later, you made it there. Now, you stood before a massive pair of double doors, made up of a very fine oak. Upon the door was a crescent moon, with several black blotches surrounding it.

“Uhhh Luna, can I come in?” came your nervous voice, that is quite unbecoming of the fearsome Knight you are supposed to be.

“Of course, our dear friend,” Luna replied, her voice sounding rich and cultured.

An azure glow became wrapped around the door, before there was a soft click, followed by the door sliding open.

Upon entering the room, you were graced with the magnificent sight of the lady of the night… mare of the night, who lay in all her glory upon her huge, queen sized bed.

The mare’s mane flowed like the color of the night sky, her huge, almost basketball sized eyes were a beautiful shade of teal.

The most important detail was of her big fat butt. Her massive big fat butt was truly an enchanting sight to behold. Her butt was thick with squishy soft, bountiful layers of booty fat, topped off with a crescent moon upon each side of her humongous flanks, which only added to her divine butty.

Luna scoffed upon the sight of you. “Anon, don’t be so silly wearing that illusionary armor. Thine body is far too weak to even carry that. Also, is that a nightshade flower? That’s awfully cheesy,” she said sternly, lighting up her horn with an azure glow.

A moment later, your nightshade flower, sword and suit of armor was vanished in a puff of purple smoke, leaving you in only your underpants.

“Oh... I see you weren’t impressed by my romantic gesture,” you said in a quiet voice, dropping your head low in shame.

"Who cast this magic upon thee?” she asked, her ears perking curiously along with her head tilting to the side.

You gulped. “Uhhhh, it was Trixie. She… she wanted to help me in wooing you,” you said nervously, scratching the back of your neck.

“So it is true. Thou wishes to mount our royal fat alicorn backside and unleash your seed into us?” she spoke in a quiet voice.

You nodded wordlessly in answer, walking toward her.

“Anon please, thou can’t ever mount us,” she spoke in a low voice, her eyes becoming moist.

Your heart was broken, and tears soon began to fall down your cheeks.

So, with that you turned around to walk away. “I’m sorry Luna. I’m sorry for ruining our friendsh—”

Before you could even finish, you were unceremoniously pulled into the air and slammed into Luna’s chest, whereupon you were tightly squeezed by her powerful hooves, to the point where your bones were breaking with sickening cracks, thus causing you to scream in agonizing pain.

“No! Don’t Leave us! Thou is our only friend!” she screamed in anguish, oblivious to your pain.

“Aaaaaaahhhhh! Stop! You’re killing me!” you screamed in agony.

Luna gasped in horror.

“FEAR NOT! FOR WE SHALL SAVE THEE!” she boomed in the Royal Canterlot Voice.

With that, her horn glowed with magical power, using said magic to wrap your body in bright blue light. A moment later the light faded, you felt your bones move back into place, along with the pain completely subsiding.

“We… we….. we…. we are so sorry, our dear friend Anon, please forgive us,” she spoke in a most distraught voice, looking at you with pleading doggy eyes as tears fell down her cheeks.

You raised your hand up to gently caress her cheek. “I forgive you, Luna.”

"This is only just a friend’s kiss,” she spoke softly.

Before you could even open your mouth to reply she rolled over, dragging you with her. You hissed in pain from underneath her immense weight of her body and her massive backside, but your world became rather dark once she leaned forward to bring you into a passionate kiss.

It seems for a ‘just friends’ kiss it was very odd. Her tongue swirled around your mouth while she made a mix of low moans and quiet horsey sounds, whilst she passionately made out with you.

Unfortunately, the moment you decided to return the kiss she abruptly pulled away.

“We are sorry, our handsome hairless ape. It can never be,” she spoke in a woeful voice.

“But I love you Luna!” you protested.

“We… we love thee too. It pains us so much, but it is for the better.”

“But why Luna?”

“We are afraid, we can’t tell thee. It is far too embarrassing to reveal our most terrible shame. The only thing we will tell thou that it is to do with our alicorn anatomy,” she said in a nervous voice.

“I don’t care. I love you, Luna, no matter what. I don’t care in the slightest even if you got tentacle penises in your vagina that come out when you’re turned on or a hidden massive futa penis.”

Luna shook her head, giggling happily. “Rest assured, it’s nothing like that.”

“I don’t care what it is. I want to be with you, for as long as I live.”

“Thou won’t actually have to die on us, for we can easily just cast anti-aging spells upon thee to stop thou from dying on us. Nonetheless, as much as we love thee, we can never be together.”

Tears began to form in your eyes as you spoke in a low voice. “But… but… I love you, Luna. I-I… I want to be with you.”

Luna wrapped her hooves around you and began gently nuzzling your neck. “We love thou too, our dear Anon. It hurts us so much to do this, but we can never, ever be together.”

A long silence had ensued. Luna merely kept nuzzling your neck as you silently cried in her hooves. Her hooves were softer than silk. Warm and tender hooves that you wish you could know the love of forever.

“Please, Luna. Can I at least know why we can’t be together?” you asked in a low, broken voice.

Luna pulled her head back to give you an imploring look, her beautiful large teal eyes staring deeply into your own, far smaller human eyes. “Our dear handsome ape, thou must promise us that thou won’t tell nay a soul of what we are about to tell thee,” she spoke in a soft voice, before her voice shifted into a deep, icy tone. “We must warn thee, if thou tells this to a single soul, we shall throw thee into dark space, beyond the galaxy’s horizon.”

You gulped nervously. “I-I…. I promise, I won’t tell anyone,” you said, your voice still low and weak.

Luna tapped her hooves lightly together, a nervous smile upon her face. “How do we put this… we are too cold for anyone.”

“Cold? But your body feels warm! How does that work?!” you exclaimed.

“No, you don’t understand. We are hot everywhere else… but—”

“But what?”

Luna’s head went low in shame, tears falling down her cheeks. “The reason we can never be made love to, is because our vagina and asshole from the inside are literally absolute zero,” she spoke in a low, longing voice of eternity without ever being able to feel physical love from anyone.

“…what? How? You’re joking right?”

“We are afraid not. We can never have a phallus inside us.”

“Can… can you still masturbate?”

She sighed in relief. “Thankfully yes. Our body can survive the cold vacuum of space after all.”

“Is it safe to slap and rub your ass?”

“Yes indeed, just don’t put thy fingers inside our butt or vagina or they will be frozen solid.”

“Noted. So, did you… ever love anyone?”

“Almost, forty thousand years ago, when we was merely eighteen years old we met a very handsome stallion. We drank merry until we could barely stand. It was at that moment he suggested we should visit the most romantic of places to do the deed.”

“Where was this most romantic place?”

“The toilet!” she boomed with pride, despite the stunned look upon your face. “On our way to the toilet we made out like rabid woodchucks, once there I bent over with my massive royal backside facing him.” Luna’s head with low in shame. “Unfortunately, once he drove his penis into our anus, it.. it… it—”

“Froze? Come on Luna, quit joking.”

“Thou want proof? Watch this!” she shouted, flashing her horn with magic to summon forth a huge, long and thick pink human penis dildo floating in mid-air before her vagina. A mere second later, she drove the dildo deep into her marehood, before pulling it back out a moment later where it had became a solid rod of ice, before she subsequently tossed it across the room, where it hit against the wall and shattered into smithereens. “That’s what would happen to thy penis if thou stuck it inside us.”

“I…. I see,” you said in low voice, your face pale in fear. “Still though, that dildo was far bigger than my penis.”

“Don’t worry, alicorn vaginas are very strong. Princess Cadance once had sex with a tiny breezie and he was able to fully satisfy her.”

You sighed in relief.

“Luna, your mouth seems safe, since you kissed me with it. So, couldn’t I just stick my penis inside there instead?” you asked curiously.

“Yes, but that will be the most intimate thing we can actually do.”

You placed a hand upon her cutie mark, digging in deeply into the thick layers of squishy soft fat around her huge flanks. “I can live with that,” you said softly.

“But Anon, we can only give thou a blowjob or kiss thee?!” she protested.

“Luna, you got one hell of a mouth, I’m pretty sure you would give the best blowjob ever.”

Luna blushed profusely.

“And perhaps, someday a new spell will be made and we can finally make love. I love you, Luna. Forever and ever.”

“Oh my handsome hairless ape! I love thee too!” came her voice, soft and overwhelmed with emotion as tears streamed down her cheeks.

Luna and you came together to kiss passionately, tears falling down both your cheeks over the physical love you can never give to one another in two certain places.

The End