The Return of Doctor Whooves

Canterlot: Nightmarity's Reign, Several Moments before Spike's Death

Galaxy Swirls groaned out in pain as he adjusted to his new situation and tried to make out which of his comrades was real and which were just tricks of a dazed brain. Getting one's head slammed into a wall by a Shadowbolt blindsiding you from the left had the tendency to have that affect on you, after all. He shook his head, and the three Sudoku Quartermanes blasting their pistols at the other Shadowbolts went back to just one. Galaxy snarled, and swung his scythe around to decapitate the offending Shadowbolt who had knocked both him and his brain cells further than they normally were.

"...Yeah, I'd prefer this town go back to when it resembled a scene from the Trotting Dead. No demons trying to kill you, despite the free food frenzy it offers one. Huh, never thought I'd turn down blood in any form. Ah well, not like Shadowbolt blood is particularly satisfying anyways." Galaxy Swirls mused as he kicked another Shadowbolt out of existence. "You know fair readers, for I know somewhere out there in the multiverse some strange creature, probably one who loves to torture his creations, is chronicling this for his loyal subjects' amusement, this, believe it or not, is not the strangest day I've had in my life. Or the worst. Oh no, there are days that pretty much eclipse that."

Galaxy Swirls flashed back to three years prior, back before Luna's return when he was still just a member of the Royal Guard...

Canterlot, The Year 999 ANM:

Galaxy Swirls groaned as he rolled out of bed. The other Guards in the barrack were still sleeping soundly. (One in particular, who Galaxy soooo wanted to chop off his head, was snoring like a piledriver.) It was early in the morning, so early in fact that Celestia hadn't even raised the sun yet. But Galaxy always preferred getting up at this hour. He wanted to see as much of the night sky as possible before it was replaced by daylight. Not even bothering to gather up his armor and toss it on, Galaxy yawned and stretched his bat wings before taking out a packet of blood from his dresser drawer and ripped it open, drinking every last drop. He smiled, first drink of the day. This one had a serious kick to it, and was pretty much like caffeine to him. Awakened his senses, and got him ready and alert. Galaxy Swirls sighed and muttered some curses that would be pretty much considered blasphemy as his eyes caught sight of a poster on the barrack wall that must have been put up sometime during the night. The poster itself was covered in hearts, and in bright pink letters read this slogan:

Come one, come all! Come to the Hearts and Hooves Day Gala! All invited! Bring your partner!

Galaxy fumed. He hated this holiday. It brought back all those warm and fuzzy feelings he'd desperately tried to remove from himself after Chrysalis had slaughtered his whole family. What was the point of the holiday for him, if he didn't have anypony to celebrate it with? (Besides, it wasn't exactly like stallions or mares (Galaxy didn't have any real preference to either gender) were lining up outside his barracks to meet him for a night of drunken debauchery, as that was how it always was if you were a Royal Guard on this day. Mares and stallions just loved big, strong heroes.)

"Pah! Heroes don't exist, and even if they did, I certainly wouldn't be one of them. I'm a high functioning psychopath. Not exactly prime-date material."

Galaxy let a smile come to his face as he stepped out of the barrack and gazed up to the night sky, where the Mare In The Moon cast her light down upon him even as stars twinkled in the night sky. Galaxy sighed and just sat there hour after hour, till the sun finally rose. Little did he know it, but this would be the only moment of pleasure he'd get out of today.

It was several hours later Galaxy Swirls found himself, along with his commanding officer, Shining Armor in a rather unusual position to say the least. (Believe it or not, Galaxy actually envied Shining, despite him in his opinion being a dimwitted dork. It wasn't just ANYPONY who got an Alicorn Princess for a girlfriend, and said Princess had to be the Princess of Love at that. Galaxy could only imagine the things they got up to on the bedroom.) Anyways, back to the matter at hoof he currently found himself in. It was an incident that first found itself in the hooves of the CPD, but due to the outright weirdness of the incident Galaxy and Shining found it get handed off to them. There in front of them, was a stallion doing... Things, shall we say to a tree, groaning and panting all the while. The tree of course, could say nothing in response. (Galaxy idly wondered if this could be counted as a rape case.)

"Yeesh, I knew that some hippies loved trees, but this was taking it a little too far." Shining muttered as he and Galaxy dragged the protesting stallion away from his new "Lover" and Galaxy knocked him out with a swift blow to the head. It was then both stallions noticed a pink arrow, with a heart for its tip sticking out of the stallion's butt. Galaxy noted Shining's expression.

"Something wrong...?" He asked nervously as Shining's eyebrow twitched. Then came something from his mouth that was heard all over Canterlot, and probably beyond. (Galaxy would later keenly note the absence of birds in the area for the next few days.)

"CADANNNNNNCCCCEEE!"

It was a few minutes later, after Shining had calmed down (With a bit of "Help" from Galaxy, who showed him some magazines of rather... shall we say "Questionable" material. Let's just say they had sexy Neighsian ponies and leave it at that.) that he explained the reason for his scream.

"So, earlier this morning, Cadance showed me this costume she'd made up. Made her look a bit like one of those rangers, except in pink and-"

"Were you excited by it? Sexually, I mean?" Galaxy asked, and Shining's jaw dropped at his bluntness. Shining's mind flashed back to the thoughts that had been running through his head when his marefriend asked him to see what she was modeling. It didn't exactly matter what she was modeling to Shining, as long as it was sexy. Sexy maid, sexy guard, sexy demoness, sexy firepony, sexy policepony...

"...Tartarus, even a sexy construction worker might have been nice." Shining trailed off wistfully with a bit of drool coming from his mouth and Galaxy's mind quickly found itself completely changing.

"Scratch that, I don't even want to know what those two get up to in the bedroom." He mused before waving a hoof in front of Shining's face and asking "Hello, Equestria to Shining Armor?"

When that didn't work, Galaxy sighed, muttered "Oh, just buck me." (What he didn't know was how true his statement would soon be. Really, he was just providing Fate another chance to kick his ass.) and let a hoof slide down his face before he resorted to the classic standby and pulled out a airhorn.

Youtube Video

That certainly awoke Shining from his daze and as he shook his head to clear himself, blushing bright red at where his thoughts had gone to and cursing himself for looking like an idiot. "Which isn't very hard to do under normal circumstances." Galaxy mused privately before then he gave him a deadpan stare, which Shining didn't even know was possible for the thestral to do up until that moment.

"...As you were saying?" Galaxy drawled.

"Er, right... Yes, well." Shining began. "Cadence modeled for me this superhero-like outfit and said she was going to use it to help spread love to all of Canterlot with her special Love Arrows."

"Did she say "You have failed this city!" or some other such shit as well?" Galaxy deadpanned in disbelief even as Shining gave him his best death glare. Already, Galaxy could feel the aching pain of 500 laps on his muscles and bones somehow.

"This is serious, and not something to joke about! Who knows what kind of chaos this could result in!" Shining shouted, and then there was a loud explosion and both ponies heads swiveled to see a large pink mushroom cloud rise up from the upper-upper-end (As there wasn't a single part of Canterlot that wasn't rich in some way) district before they both heard Princess Celestia's voice in their minds.

"My Little Ponies, you must stop this disaster that is rapidly develop-" Celestia's voice said before it turned into an amorous moan much to both Shining and Galaxy's shock.

"No shit, Sherlock." Galaxy grumbled even as both ponies rushed towards the scene. And what a scene it was indeed, one that would probably be right out of the mind of one Captain Jack Harkness. In front of them was a virtual sea of debauchery. Ponies, of all shapes and sizes and genders were moaning and groaning, ripping clothes off as they... Well, take a guess. No, really.

"...I'm going to need a REALLY cold shower after this." Shining muttered.

"I'm going to need Brain Bleach." Galaxy muttered even as he saw what, and whom, Princess Celestia was doing and noted how "Excited" Shining exactly was. "Welp, time to clean this mess up. Yeah, definitely a lot of cleaning." He uttered before there was the sound of a distinct TWANG! of an arrow being let loose and flying through the air and then impacting flesh. Galaxy's flesh specifically, who only had time to say "Well, suppose I should have seen that one coming." before his mind was a blank and all of his emotions left him except for one in particular. When he next awoke, Galaxy found himself in a daze, divested of his armor with a stallion lying beside him, covered in bite marks that could have only come from one particular pony. Galaxy would later learn this event was coined as the "Canterlot Hearts and Hooves Day Grand Orgy Celebration" and that it was only stopped by a strange brown coated stallion wearing a blue suit and brown trench coat using some sort of sonic device to override the Love Arrow's affect. Needless to say, this whole event hadn't improved Galaxy's attitude towards Hearts and Hooves Day in the slightest, with it now reaching brobdingnagian levels of distaste for the holiday.

Now:

"One day, I'm really going to have to thank the Doctor for that. Might even kiss him full on the mouth." Galaxy mused even as he gripped Blood Moon and sliced, while above him in the sky, Lightning Dust and the Royal Sisters went at it with Nightmarity. "Doctor, Doctor, give me the news, I've got a bad case of loving you..."

While all this happened, a new sound filled the air. A wheezing, groaning sound, a sound of hope.

VWOOP! VWOOP! VWOOP!

END