Celestia stares into the night sky and gazes at the moon. She loves the moon. She loves it as much as she loves her sister.
Blinding agony fills her as the full consequences of her actions hit her. She had just banished her sister to the moon. Her beloved little Lulu. Her most trusted confidant and her closest friend. Celestia’s eyes burn and her chest constricts painfully as sobs build up. She prepares to mourn and is about to let the tears fall when she hears something.
Clip. Clop. Clip. Clop.
She swivels her ears as she becomes aware of a pony trotting towards her. She startles as she realizes she’s on the cusp of a major decision. She could continue on her chosen path and give into the pain and guilt. She could allow this pony walk in on her heartbreak. Show the country that she is just a mare, with a heart that can break. Let her people know she is weak.
No, she couldn’t allow that. Luna has already fallen into the foils of mortal folly. The citizens of Equestria are most likely terrified by the dark descent of one of their goddesses.
Their goddesses. That is what they had become. Despite all the work and effort they put into showing their ponies they were not divine beings, the populace had already given into the belief. They saw their Queens as deities.
And a goddess does not cry.
With a herculean effort, Celestia pulls all her emotions into a small orb that she hides deep in her still beating mortal heart. And with the strength of the goddess that she is not, she freezes that heart to stone. She crushes her soul with iron hoofs and whips her sore and tired body into a rigid position more fitting of her stature. She is not sore. She is not tired. She is not heartbroken.
She cannot be.
She turns her head, false mask in place. She puts on the role of the benevolent goddess she must be and prepares to act out the most important part of the tragedy of comedies her life has become. Her magic quickly flows down her body from her horn. She casts all the grooming and repair spells she can before the pony can lay their gaze upon her.
The pony rounds the corner to find his Queen sitting strong and tall in the debris and destruction. She is pristine and untouched by the ruin around her. Her crown sits delicately upon her head whilst her mane flows in an ethereal breeze. Her wings are folded just so and she looks like she could take flight at any moment. Her smile is kind and motherly and her eyes are caring, if a bit distant.
He is not insulted by this, though. His queen is much greater than he and is a part of the fabric of harmony. He is but a mortal. An ant standing before a storm. It is amazing she even acknowledges her existence, let alone hold it in benevolence. She is truly an amazing and inspiring being.
Celestia nearly breaks as the ponies eyes fill with awe and reverence. She somehow holds strong. With the deafening silence surrounding them, she counts to three in her head then speaks.
“Doest thou have a concern he shall bring before his Queen.” Her voice is a steady melody of strength as she inquires. He bows deeply before replying.
“My apologies, your Majesty. When word broke of the harrowing battle between you and Queen Luna, panic rose among the populace. I volunteered to rush to your side and provide what aid I could. Of course, you Eminence already had the problem well in hoof. Now all I can do is humbly inquire after your health My Queen.” He rambles a bit, stating his business. Celestia forces allows amusement to show on her face.
“Well as thou hast seen, I am quite alright my dear subject,” Celestia replies calmly. The pony before her startles at the lack of the royal we. Celestia needs to remain strong, and the royal we would break her. It was a reference to the diarchy, indicating either Luna or herself spoke for both of them. She can’t say it. She can’t speak for Luna, not anymore.
Thinking back on what was said by the Nightmare, she probably hasn’t spoken for Luna in a very long time. That hurts more than all the spells the Nightmare hit her with combined. She almost falls into her grief at the thought that she has failed her sister so much she can no longer confidently say Luna would agree with her.
Thankfully, the pony nods and takes her statement as a dismissal. It is a while after his hoof steps fade that Celestia allows her mask to crumble and fade. She collapses to the ground and wails, only just remembering to cast a silencing charm on the area.
Her sister is gone.
Her sister is gone and it’s all her fault.
Celestia curls into a ball as her entire world collapses around her. Memories flash before her eyes. Luna joking with her. The two of them playing games around the castle. Luna sitting among drunk guards celebrating their latest victory. Luna gently guiding a lost foal back to her parents. Luna standing between herself and an assassin. Luna bearing a trail of carts long after the point she should collapse to help a village relocate after an attack. Luna sitting next to her, beaten and broken, bringing a smile to her face as they wait for their execution at the hands of the mad king. Luna delivering snarky truth to the foolish gentry when it was required.
Celestia wails harder as the truth beats into her broken heart. She may never see Luna’s smiling face again. Never hear her deep guttural laughter. Never see her stand against the impossible, kept standing solely from her iron-hard loyalty. No more shall she feel her heart warm at her little sister's kindness or generosity. No more taking comfort in her sister's honest words as she soothed her woes with no gain of her own.
Her heart shatters irreparably as she finally forces herself to say goodbye to her sister. The small foal she had shielded from the elements. She can remember feeling hopeless and wanting to give up. The Luna would babble a bit and smile up at her with honest, trusting eyes. She found strength in being an older sister. She was unbreakable as long as she had Luna’s love supporting her. Now her precious Lulu is gone. Her mind recedes into itself as the grief and agony becomes too much for her to handle. She has one last thought as the darkness consumes her.
Luna.
I’m sorry.
For a thousand years, she holds her mask up. She never falters in showing the populace that she is their unbreakable goddess. Her heart still breaks every time she raises the pale orb and has to gaze upon the visage of a mare carved into the surface. In that time she has fought wars and conquered nations. As civilizations rose and feel she stood immovable, leading her people. Threats and enemies had risen a half-bit a dozen and she had faced them all. She always won.
She becomes Celestia Sol Equestrias, the Alabaster Mountain, the Ivory Mercy, the Unconquerable Sun. None can stand against her. She rules with benevolence and wisdom. She leads her ponies through any bend and twists in their path with a serene smile on her face. She is an untouchable goddess, forged in the sun's fire and capable of impossible feats.
She smiles when she wants to sob. She remains calm while she holds back the wrath of the sun. She knows what they say about her, she has too. She listens to the stories of an unbreakable queen, and she does her best to live up to expectations. No one can crack through her facade. She becomes more of a symbol than a pony and she embraces it. The people need her to be a goddess.
So a goddess she has become.
It has been a thousand years since Celestia banished her sister to the moon and Celestia is very, very tired. She just doesn’t know how much longer she can last. The weight of the crown has doubled each year since she became the sole leader of Equestria. She’s drowning under the pressure and all she can do is smile. She despises being Princess Celestia.
She wishes she could go back to being ‘Tia. The big sister of Lulu, only having to worry about keeping the two of them alive. It was so much easier then because it’s darn near impossible to kill an alicorn. She does have one escape, though. Her niece, Mi Amore Cadenza. Being born an alicorn herself, Cadence quickly saw through the load of fertilizer she projected trying to be perfect. No matter what Cadence says, though, she’ll keep trying.
She’s not perfect, but everyone has to think she is. She needs to be strong for her subjects. They need Princess Celestia Sol Equestrias, the Alabaster Mountain, the Ivory Mercy, the Unconquerable Sun. The don’t need Tia, who snorts when she laughs (usually at a horrible joke or cringe-worthy pun), who eats too much cake and has to work hard to keep her figure, who’s a sore loser and gets passive aggressive rather easily.
No, her people don’t need Tia, so she only exists in her diary and, more recently, when alone with Cadence. She can’t even be honest with Twilight. And isn’t that a buck to the chest. She loves Twilight in a way she hasn’t loved a pony since Luna. Twilight doesn’t need her to be Tia, she needs her to be her mentor Princess Celestia. Not for long, though. Soon Luna will be back and Celestia can finally drop her perfect mask.
Soon she’ll have her Lulu back, and then nothing else will matter. She can be Tia again, and by herself, she'll be darned if she doesn’t look forward to it. It’ll be her, Luna, Cadence, and (hopefully) Twilight against the world. Until then, she will bear the weight of the crown.
She’ll drown under the pressure and expectations, and she’ll do it with a smile.
Author's Note
SO this is just a short little story I wrote to get my idea out. It's not that good and I'll probably update it at some point with a bit more polish.
