Cleansed of Darknessby SilverStar7ChaptersNo EscapeNo FreedomNo UnderstandingNo ShelterNo ReliefNo SupportNo RescueNo EscapeSix fountains of incandescence surrounded the mare as she breathed slowly. Inhale. Cutie Marks are good. Exhale. Difference is good. Inhale. Cutie Marks are good. Exhale. Difference is good. The candles had lost several inches and only a fraction remained. Starlight had noted earlier that one in particular had begun to smoke more than the others. The mare's eyelids twitched, but she kept them closed. She needed to focus on her meditations, but the more she thought about the importance of such focus, the more her mind was pushed to remember why she felt the need to recluse herself for the day... Starlight noticed a couple of ponies in a disagreement at the park. They were arguing about the qualities of the jazz music being played by ponies on the stage. Both of these mares were into music themselves, both even roommates, but their skills and experiences with music were different. One was a white-coated, vibrantly blue-haired DJ and the other a nearly grayscale, dark-maned classical musician. And this difference, though minor compared to most members of society, was still sufficient to generate conflict with regards to their passion. Wherever passion and talent were found, conflict over quality was always present. While she had tried to ignore the matter, she inevitably had another inexcusable thought. If they just didn't have those stupid, worthless, disgusting Marks, they wouldn't need to fight! Upon hearing herself think that way, she excused herself from Bon-Bon's birthday to come here. As Starlight left the party, Spike had put a claw on her shoulder. "Starlight, what's wrong?" "Nothing. I'm fine." Whenever someone else looked at her, Starlight was afraid that they could see past her eyes, so she looked at the ground. "I'm worried," Spike said. "This is the third time this week you've just up and left something." Starlight pointed her eyes back at Spike without raising her head, but she did raise her eyebrows and kept her jaw planted in a frown. "Are you saying that I don't have a right to leave when I want?" Spike let his claw leave her shoulder. "No. I'm only saying that, if you ever need to talk to me about anything, you can." Focus, Starlight. Her breathing had became irregular, but she tried again to repeat her mantra in her mind. Inhale. Cutie Marks are good. Exhale. Difference is g-- frustration. To excel is to fail. Starlight still had not opened her eyes, but a tear had formed in each. Just do a body scan again. Recenter. You can do this. The tears fell as she pressed her eyes more tightly closed. The mare focused her attention on the crown of her head. There was a light itch beneath her mane. Her hair felt slightly unclean, probably from sweat. She shifted the focus to her ears. They felt somewhat colder than her head. And they heard no sound save her own breath, which was beginning to become regular again. Then she moved the focus to her horn. There was a small tingle there. Perhaps pent-up magic? No, no. That only happened to particularly strong unicorns. She was no better than anypony else. Accept your limitations, and happiness will follow. You're no better than your friends. Why did she still think this way? She had given herself an ultimatum. It was supposed to be fixed a week ago. After all these months, she was not allowed to think this way anymore. That was the deal. She had promised. She swore she would change. It was not just a promise to herself. Twilight had been reluctant to give Starlight her own room for meditation. Initially, Starlight wanted to use Twilight's mediation chamber, but Twilight said it was out of the question. After a few days of pleading, promising that the meditation would help, Twilight agreed that she could have a room on the ground floor. Maybe Twilight had been right initially to deny her request. Perhaps her quest for self-redemption was futile. With a shake of her head, she finally opened her eyes. But when she did, she found that the first candle had died in a trail of smoke. That meant she had been in here for at least two hours. Only a sixth of her light was gone, but the whole of her hope went with it. She could not save herself. She was too broken. Too messed up. Too vile. Wanting friendship and wanting to be reformed were not enough. Her identity was locked up in jealousy and corruption. How she wanted to behave was unimportant. How she wished to think was insignificant. In her heart, she knew that truth. The deep truth that she never dared think. The truth revealed to her all those years ago, that she had embedded in everything she would do from that moment onward. In sameness, there is peace. Exceptionalism is a lie. "No!" Starlight shouted to the empty room. The breath of her cry blew out another of the candles. This is not how my story ends. Taking a deep breath, Starlight said, "Tomorrow." No FreedomStarlight had not slept particularly well that night, but she would not allow herself to wait any longer. The moment she awoke, she made up her mind. Today was going to be different. Today she would finally let go of her past. No matter how wobbly she took the steps. No matter how many times she yawned. She did not stop until she stood at the door to the meditation chamber. Twilight's meditation chamber. It had been generous of Twilight to give Starlight her own room for this, but a part of Starlight wondered if there was something special about Twilight's chamber. The mare always came out so much more relaxed, as if all of her troubles were a thousand miles away. Perhaps the room was enchanted to play soothing music, or held an artifact that exuded calming waves, or the tapestries displayed realistic fields and lakes to produce a serene environment. Or maybe it was just like her room, and this expedition would accomplish nothing. In either case, surely her progress could not get any worse from this experience. With a sigh, Starlight pushed her hoof against the door. It did not budge. In hindsight, this detail should not have surprised Starlight. It was clear that Twilight wanted her privacy in this room. But to lock it when it was not even in use? Starlight brought her hoof back and rubbed at her eye. Her first thought was to use a basic lock picking spell. The fact that this was her initial instinct bothered Starlight. I really do need help. But that was why she was here. And if anything in the room was really that private, Twilight would put all sorts of enchantments on the door to keep ponies out, right? Right. Starlight pointed her horn at the door and both it and the lock lit up with turquoise magic. There was a soft click, and the door gently swung inward a couple centimeters. With a light nod to herself, Starlight pushed open the door further as she began to enter, but stopped. She heard a voice coming from the room. "No. Not today." The mood of the voice startled Starlight the most. It was defeated desperation. Sadness soaked every syllable. The voice knew its plea was hollow. It was a tone that froze Starlight's hooves to the floor. After several moments of silence, the voice returned. "You said you wouldn't be back for a while. You said the trip would help." Anguish and distress rested upon the surface of the words. But both phrases were now long enough that Starlight could identify the speaker. "Twilight?" The voice gasped. "Who is that?!" Definitely Twilight. Not waiting another instant, Starlight threw the door open the rest of the way and ran into the room. What she saw was both clear and unbelievable. The chamber looked much like the rest of the castle. Its walls and columns were made from blue and purple crystals. However the only window to the room was draped, so the light came from torches along the walls, giving the room a warm glow not present in most of Twilight's castle. Toward the far end of the room stood Twilight. A chain bound each of her hooves. Her coat and mane were in disarray, torchlight glinting off of the grease. One side was matted down from sleeping. The other bristled with all manner of cowlick and stray hairs. The whites of her eyes burned red. Dark streaks sat prominently on each side of her muzzle. A black ring rested upon the base of her horn. And upon her back, there were no wings. Twilight squinted as she tried to see through the light cascading in from the hall. But then her jaw dropped, her eyes went wide, and she screamed. She tried to gallop closer to the far wall, but the effort merely tripped her legs with her chains, causing her to drop to the floor. She writhed, trying to stand back up, only further entangling herself. Starlight gaped at the scene for several seconds, doing nothing until a part of her mind yelled Help her! Charging forward, her horn ignited, holding the flailing Twilight in place with her magic as she began to examine the chains around her. "No! Please! Don't take my cutie mark again!" The cry made Starlight involuntarily glance at Twilight's flank. Her blank flank. Looking at Twilight's face, and seeing the abject horror, Starlight said, "Just relax. I'll have you untangled in a minute." She gently lifted Twilight up a few inches and, one by one, unscrambled the chains with her magic. Thankfully, none had been knotted so badly that she needed to move Twilight during the process. She simply and diligently worked each chain free. All the while, Twilight's expression slowly shifted from terror to confusion. When her work was done, Starlight lifted Twilight back onto her hooves facing back at her. "Are you okay?" Starlight asked. Twilight screamed. "No! What do you want from me?" "I... I don't want anything from you..." "Then go away!" shouted Twilight. Fresh tears beginning to spout as she clenched shut her eyes and shook her head, falling into a small puddle on the floor. "Leave me alone! Go away! Go away! Go away!" Again and again, Twilight shouted the command. Now scared herself, Starlight shouted back, "Alright!" and abruptly fled the room. The moment she was in the hall, she slammed shut the door and re-locked it. She then backed away until she bumped into the far wall, sitting on the floor and leaning back against it. Her breathing was heavy and erratic. Her mind focused only on the immediate past of what she had just witnessed. What in Celestia's name was that? No UnderstandingStarlight pushed open the door to her bedroom. Her legs were shaking violently enough that walking had become difficult. No amount of breathing exercises while pressed against the wall had allowed her to relax this away. As soon as she had crossed the threshold into her room, she ignited her horn and closed the door behind her, then collapsed onto the floor. Gradually, she began to inch toward her bed. Upon reaching it, she put both hooves on the edge and pulled herself up, crawling into bed until her head was resting face-down on her pillow. One of her hind legs was still hanging off the side and she flung her body over so that leg was on the bed and she now faced the ceiling. Only moving her eyes, she looked to the far corner of the room and identified one of her kites resting on her dresser. A beautiful red and gold delta she had hoofcrafted the week before. With her horn, she grabbed it and brought it to rest on her stomach. And she brought her forelimbs up to gently wrap around it. So she laid on her bed, clutching at the kite, hardly moving. And her thoughts, having no where else to go now that she had made it to the safest place she could conceive of, went back to that other place. That chamber. She replayed the experience of entering the room and seeing... another Twilight? She did not even know what to call her. The pony clearly was not Twilight herself. Not only was she not an alicorn, but she was not even some past version of Twilight. She was a full grown mare with no cutie mark, and Starlight knew full well that Twilight got her cutie mark as a filly. This pony was someone else. Perhaps even something else. Within the ocean of chaos in Starlight's mind, the mare's consciousness fought to tread water. The air it sought was reason and it struggled to keep the tumult from entering its lungs. It's Twilight's room. Twilight's room. Why would Twilight have... that? But Starlight soon realized this piece of flotsam would not support her weight. Twilight would never do that. There was no way. That pony could not be. Starlight thought of the room's purpose. It was a room to relax. She had seen Twilight after times in that room, and she always looked relieved. It was this clear sign of benefit that made Starlight want to try meditation for herself. And within the churning of Starlight's thoughts, something arrived beneath her. An idea that seemed to allow for purchase. What if it was me? What if I brought that into the room with me? Starlight was aware of types of magic that allowed for a pony to witness events from within their subconscious. Dangerous spells that caused the deepest fears and angers of a pony to materialize before their eyes. She had, at one time, considered trying to learn such spells in the hopes that it could reveal in others their own subconscious fears about their Cutie Marks. However, her success with persuading other ponies to join her had made such methods of coercion unnecessary, and she had abandoned the effort. But perhaps Twilight had come up with a more interesting idea: Using the spell on herself. That was something Starlight could imagine. Twilight, deciding that the only thing worthy of fear was fear, and so wanting to face fear itself, had enchanted her room with magic that would force her to encounter her own subconscious demons. When faced with anxiety brought on by some undealt-with pain, Twilight could enter the room and see what was hurting her. Choose when to fight such a battle and put to death the chaos of thought before it festered. To have such a strength of resolve was unfathomable to Starlight, but she could imagine that a Princess like Twilight, who had faced the Lord of Chaos himself, was more than capable. And it would certainly explain why Twilight would want to keep Starlight from using the room. She clearly was not ready for facing her own fears. But, in spite of that, she had seen it. What am I afraid of, then? Of course, it was obvious. That she would turn evil again. That she would enslave Twilight and take her Cutie Mark away. Finally force true equality upon the citizens of Equestria, as she now feared she was destined to do. Dethrone the Princess and-- The footing beneath her consciousness shook. But if that was Twilight after I took away her Cutie Mark, why was she not an alicorn? Plus, that explanation would not fit with Twilight begging her not to take her Cutie Mark again. Especially considering that she did not even have one. And why was she a blank flank? Why not have an equal sign Mark? And there was something else. Something that Twilight had said right at the start. Something about a trip? Starlight had no plans for travel at the moment. Twilight, the real Twilight, was the one currently away on a vacation. So Starlight sank once more into the tempest of disorder inside her head. As her mind sought safety, another potential life preserver bumped into her. When Starlight had unlocked the door, she had been wondering about potential safeguards for the room. Maybe it was not actually vulnerable to a simple spell. Perhaps the room conjured up that vision to get Starlight to leave. After all, that was what that Twilight had been shouting for, for her to leave. It was certainly a manifestation of something that scared Starlight as much as anything she could envision. But then... why did it speak before she entered? Doing that only prompted Starlight to come in. Granted, she was going to anyway, but why help her along? And why did Twilight get tangled in her chains like that? If it was based on Starlight's own thoughts and fears to keep her out of the room, would it not know that literally tripping up would cause Starlight to want to help? Again, drawing her into the room. Then, with a mighty crash, a wave brought her mind firmly against the shore. But when she looked around, she saw that she had landed upon an accursed island. Surely she could not have arrived here. What if there really is a pony in that room? It could not be real. No matter if it looked real. Or felt real. Or sounded real. It could not be real. What a condition to be in. A mane, a sweat-soaked film of knots. Beet-red eyes, spouts for tears into a growing puddle on the floor. Chains, the only company in a dimly lit chamber. Why, in all the realms of Equestria and beyond, would Twilight lock up a pony in a room in her castle? It would be senseless. Even if that pony was a criminal, that was what Tartarus was for. And she certainly did not look like a criminal. She looked like Twilight. Sounded like Twilight. But she was not Twilight. And she was not real. It can't be. She can't be. Unable to divine any answers to her questions, Starlight simply stroked at her kite while she remembered the horror on that pony's face and wept and thought of the chains and wept some more. As the minutes turned to hours, that crying slowly began to help. Tears became less frequent. Her breathing became reasonably stable. There were times when she thought she drifted off to sleep. At other times, she even thought about getting up. No doubt she would have to leave the room eventually. And as the sun neared the evening horizon, there was a knock at the door. "Come in," she said automatically, quickly igniting her horn to pull the water from the tears off of her muzzle and throw them to the other end of the room. As she sat up, Spike opened the door. "Hey, Twilight just got back from her cruise," he said. "She's downstairs now." Starlight nodded. "Okay." For a moment, there was silence as Spike simply stood in the door and Starlight just sat on her bed. Then, "Uh, are you coming?" Shaking herself, Starlight said, "Right, yeah." And finally got out of bed. No ShelterStarlight and Spike made their way down the stairs, arriving just as Twilight sat the last of her bags in the hall with magic. She smiled upon seeing her dragon and student. "Boy am I glad to see you two. You would not believe how hectic my trip was!" Spike tilted his head. "What? I thought it was a vacation." "Yeah, so did my family. But it turns out it was all being run by Iron Will and he made me spend the whole time catering to a bunch of Princess fans! It was so stressful that I ended up snapping at a pony out of frustration." "Ouch," said Spike. "That doesn't sound good." Twilight shook her head. "Well, it's over now." She looked between the two of them. "I hope your week wasn't full of unexpected stress." "None here," said Spike. Starlight forced herself to respond. "Oh, not much." Twilight sighed. "After a trip like that, I think I need a bit of meditation." Perhaps it was Starlight's imagination, but she thought there was something strange about the way Twilight said that last word. Against her will, Starlight gulped. "Got it," said Spike. "I'll go get started on dinner." "And I'll, uh, go get washed up," Starlight said, putting on a small smile, which Twilight returned as she walked away. Starlight then began to walk off in the opposite direction. And as soon as she was out of sight, she quickly dove into a spare room. The unicorn considered igniting her horn to teleport up to the third floor ahead of Twilight, but she knew it would be futile. While she obviously wanted to know what Twilight was up to, there was no place in the meditation room for Starlight to hide. The whole chamber was simple; there were no closets or even furniture to speak of. Just torches and chains and... Starlight remembered something. The puddle of tears on the floor. She was familiar with the concept of scrying, looking into a medium like water to remotely view other places, and the fact that it was possible to do the reverse. Reverse scrying was obviously less useful, as it pretty much limited where one could observe to places with standing water, but it had the advantage of not needing a medium for a pony to look into. It was worth a shot. But if the whole thing was just in my head, then that puddle didn't really exist. However, even a negative result was still a result. If there was no longer any water in the room, that would at least tell Starlight that what she had seen wasn't physical. Starlight closed her eyes and focused her attention. Her horn lit up with magic and, after a few seconds, she opened her eyes. When she did, she was no longer looking at the inside of the small room, but instead was looking up at the ceiling of Twilight's meditation chamber. And the other Twilight was still there, just visible off to the right, laid on the floor. Starlight's breathing halted and her pulse increased. Her experience was not an illusion. How can she be real? What is Twilight doing? Outside of Starlight's field of view, the door clicked. The Twilight in the room immediately stood up. "Twilight? Is that you?" she called. There was silence until the door shut. Hoofsteps could be heard approaching the puddle. They seemed to make it about halfway across the room, before stopping abruptly. "Why did you ask if it was me?" The Twilight gave a sigh. "I hallucinated again. Another pony came into the room. It felt even more real this time." The hoofsteps resumed. "I thought you said you wouldn't need to do this for a while." Princess Twilight came into view and then sat down in front of the other Twilight, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. She simply sat for a moment. Her mood appeared calm and the only visible movement was the rhythmic rising and falling of her chest. Starlight was taken aback. Is she actually meditating? How could seeing this possibly help her meditate?! "Could... could we please wait? Just a day or two? If I just had a bit more time between sessions, maybe--" "Shut up," Twilight hissed, her eyes still closed. "I have to concentrate." The other Twilight's head fell. She stared, mouth wide, eyes fully open, into the pool of tears. Her head slowly swayed back and forth. To Starlight, she was looking right at her. She could feel the hopelessness and her own chest grew tight watching this Twilight attempt to prepare for some inevitable fate that she seemed unable to handle. For several minutes, there was silence. Princess Twilight did not move. The other Twilight moved little. The only significant change was that, as time went on, Princess Twilight's horn began to glow dimly and, bit by bit, a ball of magenta light grew at the end of her horn. When the ball was about the size of a filly's hoof, the Princess opened her eyes and stood up, the light still resting on her horn's tip. Seeing this, the other Twilight stopped looking into the puddle and looked right into her counterpart's eyes. She gulped. "Please don't." Princess Twilight raised a hoof and gently lifted the black ring from the base of the other Twilight's horn. When it was a little more than half-way removed, Princess Twilight moved closer. "I'm getting worse." She brought her horn's tip into contact with that of the other Twilight. "Wai--!" The magenta magic cascaded from the Princess's horn and engulfed the horn of the second Twilight, eliciting a gasp from the latter. Her eyes had opened wide. Her lips quivered as her jaw flapped wordlessly. The Princess's eyes sat closed. She wore no clear expression. After several seconds, the magic faded and Princess Twilight let go of the ring, allowing it to drop back onto the base of the other's horn. Tears returned again to the other Twilight's eyes as she collapsed to the floor, her head in her hooves. "I missed them? I missed the Northern Stars?" The Princess turned and left, going out of view. The other Twilight continued. "No, it's okay. I can't disappoint my family. But... but what about me? Why does nopony care about me being happy?! I would never have agreed to this if I knew I was going to have to do work all week!" She lifted up her head, looking up at the ceiling. "Wait. That's not right. These ponies matter. I can't let them down. I won't let them down! No matter what I have to put up with." This Twilight's nostrils suddenly flared and anger rose in her voice. "No matter how unbearably annoying they are. It isn't their fault. This is all Iron Will's fault!" With a gasp, Twilight froze. Then she let out a manic laugh. "No! It's my parent's fault! They should have read that contract before signing it. If they hadn't been negligent, none of this would have happened!" Then a frown returned. "But they just wanted to be happy. Was it so wrong of them to think that maybe the cruise was being done in good faith?" And on and on she went. Weeping and yelling and harsh laughter interspersed the ramblings, but they continued until Starlight could not watch any longer. She dimmed her horn, allowing the scene to fade away, wiping tears from her eyes. Starlight found it was still difficult for her to breathe, as if she feared sucking in too much air would draw in whatever it was she had just witnessed. No Relief"Spike," whispered Starlight. It was later that night. Dinner had been mostly Twilight talking about the highlights of her cruise: meeting with ponies, everypony else's activities, and the nice surprise of her family reenacting the Northern Stars for her. During the meal, Starlight watched Twilight as if she was looking at a theater performance. On previous nights, she might have been impressed with how well Twilight had managed to put a positive spin onto what she had only an hour before said was a stressful trip. This only caused the unicorn to think back on other nights at this same table after Twilight had gone to meditate, and how much she admired the mental maturity of her mentor. She could not help but feel naïve. Spike did not seem surprised at all to hear her only mention good things about her vacation, a detail that Starlight used to draw the most obvious conclusion: He knew. Starlight remained almost entirely silent during the whole affair. She only responded to simple questions about how she liked her food, or gave short replies to questions about how she spent her week. For that, she did not directly lie, but definately did not mention what she had done that morning. Twilight did make a comment about her seeming rather quiet. However, Starlight used the excuse of not sleeping well the night before, another truth put out to mask the lie. Of course, Twilight politely offered to take her to the library to show her some sleeping spells, but Starlight was not going to let herself be in a room alone with Twilight tonight. Maybe not ever again. And, after finishing her plate, she had excused herself at once. However, she had not gone to her bedroom, but had simply been waiting in the room across the hall from Spike's. "Starlight?" Spike said, looking around to see that Starlight had just emerged from behind the door. "What are you doing here? I thought you went to bed." "Remember yesterday when you said I could talk to you about anything? Is now a bad time?" "Of course not," said the dragon, removing his claw from the knob of his bedroom door. "Do you want to talk in there? Or in the dining room? Or..." How about in Twilight's meditation chamber on the third floor? "In here is fine," Starlight pushed open the door the rest of the way and allowed Spike to enter before shutting the door. Her horn then ignited and she bathed the entire room in magic for a few moments before turning to Spike. "Why did you do that?" he asked. "It's a soundproofing spell," said Starlight, glancing around the room as if she could see something to check whether the spell worked. "What I'm about to talk to you about is something Twilight doesn't want us discussing. In fact, I'm sure that I'm not even supposed to know." Then Starlight's eyes locked onto Spike's. "But I have a feeling that you already do." Spike raised an eyebrow. "What is it?" Starlight took a deep breath. "I went into Twilight's meditation room, and I--" "What?" Spike snarled. "You invaded Twilight's privacy?" Starlight was taken aback by this reply, and it showed on her face, to which Spike continued, "Twilight doesn't keep many secrets, Starlight. And if she does, it's for a good reason. You had no right to go in there." "But she... In that room... I saw..." Starlight knew the words she wanted to say. They were right in front of her. Twilight is keeping some sort of clone prisoner. Her mouth opened as she fought to say them, but something inside her could not give voice to the reality that she had witnessed. Yet Spike said simply, "You saw the construct she has in there, right?" The only thing Starlight could manage in reply was, "Who is she?" The dragon rolled his eyes. "First of all," Spike said. "It's an 'it,' not a 'she.' That thing is just a construct. It was made by Twilight. And, sure, I'd guess it was probably scary to see if you don't know that, but it isn't a pony. It isn't even an animal. It's just a thing. It's really more like a piece of furniture than anything else." Putting a hoof to her forehead, Starlight stepped back slightly as she reeled from this. "How can you say that?" "Because it's true," said Spike, matter-of-factly. "Yeah, it's sort of weird, but it was the only thing Twilight could use to hold her negative emotions. All the frustration and worries that come from being a Princess get put in there so she can focus on more important stuff. You can understand that. After all, you did the same thing with a bottle not too long ago, right?" Biting her lip, Starlight said, "Well, yes, but this is different!" "There's only two differences," Spike put up a claw with two fingers, dropping one before beginning each point. "One, it actually holds the thoughts, unlike your bottle that spilled out your anger all over Ponyville and almost got Trixie killed. And two, it's a pony-shaped vessel instead of a glass one. I mean, if your bottle was shaped like a pony, would that have really made a difference?" "Spike, have you ever seen her be--?" "It," Spike corrected. Starlight groaned. "Okay. Have you ever seen it before?" "No, but I don't need to. " Starlight opened her mouth to rebut, but Spike raised a hand to stop her. "You have no idea how stressful it is for Twilight to be a Princess. She has to save the world practically twice a year, manage friendships across all of Equestria, and all this while trying to live her own life. Letting go of those emotions makes Twilight a better ruler and it makes her a lot happier. You have no idea the kinds of late-night talks we used to have before she made the construct." "But Spike, it's a pony!" Spike shook his head. "It might look like a pony, but it isn't real, not like you and me. It moves, it reacts, but it can't think. It can't feel. It's like a clock; just because it moves, that doesn't make it alive." Again Starlight opened her mouth to interject, but Spike continued, "Trust me, Starlight. It's better this way. Unlike with a bottle, a construct can hold onto emotions long term. They don't leak out. They don't go and infect other ponies. They stay in that room where they can't hurt anypony and, frankly, as long as nopony else is getting hurt, it's none of your business how Twilight uses her magic. I know this solution is unconventional, but--" "It cries!" Spike blinked. "Huh?" "It cries, Spike. It cries tears. It sobs. Does that sound like a 'vessel' to you? Do clocks cry?" Spike's face began to soften, but then his indignation returned. "Well, so what? So it absorbs the emotions and then shows emotions. Big deal! Reacting isn't being real, Starlight. Twilight told me about how these things work. It doesn't feel anything." Closing her eyes, Starlight growled in frustration. "You don't get it. You don't understand!" Then an idea dawned in her mind and she opened her eyes to look at Spike. "Or maybe you just can't understand..." "Huh? I under--" In an instant, Starlight's horn ignited and covered Spike in a turquoise aura, cutting him off. She forced him to slide across the floor until his back was against the wall, then she began to walk forward. "Starlight, what are you doing?" Spike said, his body moving slightly as he fought to free himself. "I'm wondering how I can tell if you're real," she said, now standing above Spike, her mouth frowning and her eyes wide. "After all, you aren't a pony either. You're a dragon." His jaw dropping, Spike said, "Why does that matter?" "Do we really know that dragons have souls? I know I'm conscious, so I can safely assume other ponies are, but why should I assume you experience anything?" Starlight's head turned slightly as she increased the pressure on Spike's body, forcing him to stop squirming. His breathing now coming in very short bursts, Spike gasped, "Starlight. Stop. I can't br--" "What good will begging do? The construct begs. It begged Twilight not to have it hold onto more emotions. So what if you beg too? That's just 'reacting,' right?" Starlight could feel that Spike had stopped trying struggle. His eyes looked right into Starlight's. "Wha--?" he wheezed. The mare loosened her grip, causing Spike to inhale deeply. She let him catch his breath and waited. Eventually, he said, "You said it begged before Twilight gave it memories?" "It even begged me not to take its cutie mark when I was there, not that it has one to steal, but then again, neither do you." "It can talk about things?" Spike looked down at the floor. His eyes scanned lightly back and forth as he considered the implications of Starlight's words. He looked back at her. "It's afraid of things?" At that, Starlight fully released the dragon, causing him to slouch against the wall. "Yes, Spike. Just like you were now. Just like I was when I saw it." "But... but it's not real." "It seemed awfully real to me Spike." Starlight thought for a moment, then said, "She certainly acts real." Sliding down to the floor, Spike put his head in his hands. For a time, he simply sat there. And Starlight just watched him think. He looked so small slightly curled onto the floor. His purple and green form was roughly visible on the crystal wall behind him. And his shoulders looked as if they carried a burden twice his size. "Twilight said it wouldn't think or feel. But how can it talk if it doesn't think?" The dragon looked up to her for an answer. She gulped. "I don't think it could, Spike." Spike dropped his hands into his lap and shook his head. "What are we gonna do?" It was something that Starlight had not consciously considered, but the solution quickly bubbled up from her subconscious mind. Upon seeing it, it seemed so obvious that she accepted the idea and simply gave the answer: "We're going to set her free." No Support"Have fun!" said Starlight, putting on her best fake smile. She waved to Twilight as the Princess left the castle to go help Pinkie bake pies. The moment the door was shut she teleported into her room, grabbed a cloak from her closet and then teleported right in front of Spike's door. It had been two days since Starlight and Spike's conversation. The pair had agreed to act the next time that Twilight left the castle. It had taken a lot of effort on Starlight's part to be that patient, but she had reluctantly agreed that timing would be best, justifying it both from a logical perspective and by telling herself that a few days would not make much of a difference. After knocking on Spike's door, it took a few moments for the dragon to emerge. When he did, he saw that Starlight carried a brown cloak on her back and wore a look of determination. He looked rather nervous, but that was not altogether unexpected considering what the pair was about to do. "Okay, Spike," she said. "Twilight is on her way to Sugarcube Corner to help with some baking. She said she'll be gone for a few hours, so we should have plenty of time to break out the construct." Starlight then went over the plan once more. "You'll stand guard in the hall while I break her chains. Then, we'll put her in this cloak and lead her to Trixie's wagon outside town. If we run into anypony who tries to talk to us, you can distract them while we keep going. And once we've explained everything to Trixie, you'll come back to tell Twilight that I went to the Crystal Empire to see Sunburst. That should buy us a few days to find a way to keep the construct hidden. "You ready?" Spike bit his lip. "Yeah, um... Starlight. I know I was on board when we talked, but I thought a lot about it over the last couple of days and..." he sighed. "I don't think freeing the construct is a good idea." "What?!" Starlight's nostrils flared and she bared her teeth. "How can you say that now? We agreed on this!" Cowering slightly, Spike put up his hands defensively. "Just think about it for a minute, okay? That construct wouldn't even exist if Twilight hadn't wanted a place to put her emotions. That means its whole purpose is to store Twilight's feelings and that it only exists because that's what Twilight needed it for. If Twilight hadn't made it, it wouldn't even be able to think or feel at all! I mean, is living a bad life really worse than not even existing?" Starlight gaped. "Spike, she's being forced to deal with somepony else's pain, and nothing else. This isn't just 'a bad life,' it's an existence based on suffering!" "I know, I know. It's really bad," Spike admitted. "And I feel bad for the construct and all, but Twilight is my best friend! Without that construct, she's going to go back to suffering under all of those emotions again. Somepony has to suffer for this, and I just can't do that to Twilight." Spike tapped together a pair of fingers nervously. "If you're really honest with yourself, could you actually tell your best friend that she had done something so bad that she deserved to suffer for it? While knowing that you're going to be the one who makes her suffer?" Rolling her eyes, Starlight came back with, "Well, I hope I'd have the backbone and moral conviction to want justice, if that's what you mean." Spike snorted. "Like you're one to talk about morals and justice." Letting out a single laugh, Starlight shook her head. "Alright. If that's how you feel about me, whatever! Letting her go is the right thing to do." She then looked Spike dead in the eye. "And you wouldn't really think of trying to stop me, would you?" Spike looked at the floor and thought for a moment. His claws clenched into fists, but when he exhaled they relaxed. "All I'm saying is, 'I won't help you.'" Spike looked back at Starlight. "You do what you think is right. And I'll do the same." Starlight's limbs shook in anger. "Fine. I will do it myself." Turning away, she walked down the hall a few steps before turning back and saying, "I don't know how you'll be able to sleep at night after this, but I hear Twilight's library has some spell books that might help." At that, Starlight teleported back to her room. Starlight carefully watched the door to Twilight's bedroom from behind a pillar far down the hall. It was night and had been about fifteen minutes since Twilight had entered. Starlight planned on waiting thirty to make sure the Princess was actually asleep, but the adrenaline in her veins was pushing her to accelerate the timeline. Just give it a few more minutes. We don't want Twilight to come back out for a late night-- Starlight shuddered. Meditation session. Without Spike to stand watch and help lead the pair through Ponyville, Starlight had changed the plan. The cover of night seemed like the most appropriate means of camouflage, although she had brought the cloak along. She certainly could not risk a pony looking out their window late at night and seeing a version of their Princess without wings. Besides, she did not want Spike to know enough of the details to be able to rat her out, if he decided to take that route. Admittedly, she was less sure of how she would be able to handle the construct on her own. While her skills in dealing with ponies had improved, Starlight was still not the best company to most. She had been counting on Spike to help keep the construct calm during their trip. She seemed rather emotional. Not that that was not understandable, but Starlight also did not want to have to stop in the middle of town while the construct had a break-down. This mission would definitely push the limits on what Starlight had learned from Twilight. And she grinned a bit at that. It seemed appropriate that she would be using Twilight's training in some fashion to undermine what the Princess had done. Having waited about twenty-two minutes, Starlight now stood outside of the chamber on the third floor of the castle. Before unlocking it again, she took three deep breaths. In and out. I can do this. I have to do this. Her horn and the knob shone turquoise for a moment, and then the door gently swung inward. Wasting no time, Starlight pushed the door open widely enough to slide inside and went in, closing it behind her. The Twilight in the room was on the floor, apparently asleep this time. However, upon hearing the door close, her eyes opened. "Huh? Twilight?" When she saw that the pony in the room was Starlight, she quickly jumped up from her sleeping position. She shook her head and planted her hooves in a wide stance. "You? Why are you back? What do you want this time?" "I'm here to set you free." Starlight said with confidence. Dropping the brown cloak onto the floor, she galloped forward and looked defiantly at the chains. Her horn flared and she shot a bolt of magic at the one around Twilight's left forehoof, shattering one of the links instantly. Twilight gasped. "What?! No! Stop!" "Stay calm. I'm pretty accurate with my horn. I won't hurt you." She looked to the next chain. "Don't break them!" The teeth of the gears in Starlight's mind slipped. She can't mean that. Shaking herself, Starlight lit up her horn again. "Please don't." The defeat infused into those words brought Starlight to a halt. She looked up and saw that Twilight was staring at the ground, her head swaying slightly in a wide, slow shake. The unicorn let her horn go dim. After a few more seconds, Twilight stopped and looked back at Starlight. "You listened to me?" Looking at the broken chain, Twilight lifted that hoof and, in several jerking motions, brought it up until it was reaching behind her back. Her eyes went wide. "Oh dear Celestia. I've never been able to do that before." She looked back at Starlight. "You're actually here, aren't you?" Starlight nodded. "I'm real. And I'm breaking you out of this room." Putting that same hoof to her forehead, Twilight's eyes scanned back and forth. "This doesn't make any sense. Why aren't you attacking me or opening a time portal or trying to brainwash my friends?" For a moment, Starlight was confused, then she recognized the problem. "Right, you probably don't have memories about my turning good. Those are nice memories." She thought for a moment. "But you remember when I helped you the other day, right? When I untangled you from those chains?" Twilight raised an eyebrow. "You're good now?" "Yes, I am," Starlight said. "And I can explain all that later. Princess Twilight just went to bed, so she shouldn't be awake until morning, but I don't want to take any more chances than we have to. Let's get yo--" "You have to fix that chain before I wake up!" Starlight blinked. Before I wake up? She means before she wakes up, right? "You... you don't need to worry about Twilight's reaction. You won't be here when she gets up. You're safe now. I'm going to take you away from this place." Shutting her eyes tight and shaking her head, Twilight shouted, "No! No! No!" She pounded her front hooves onto the ground with each "no" she said. "I can't leave here. Where can I go that's more important than being where I am right now?" Exasperated, Starlight said, "What are you even saying?" Twilight lifted a chained hoof and gestured around at the chamber. "From this room, I serve all of Equestria. I'm making the whole world a better place. And isn't that the most important thing a pony can do? Use her life to make the world a better place?" Mouth agape, it took a moment for Starlight to understand how to respond. She grasped at straws until she found one attached to a relevant thought. "But you're miserable here!" she shouted. "And I heard you begging Twilight not to give you more emotions to shoulder. You even said you're starting to hallucinate because of this. It's destroying you!" "Then I have to be stronger," Twilight said. "I was just weak the other day. I let myself believe that I could have a break because of my vacation. I won't make the same mistake again. I'll be ready next time! I can do it for my friends. And for Equestria." Starlight's breathing had accelerated and she put a hoof to her chest, feeling her heart pounding furiously. She blinked erratically and shook her head, trying to clear away the words she had just heard. Of all the possible reactions to being liberated, Starlight had never even considered this one. No RescueIt was inconceivable. The idea that this construct would agree to not only sit in a prison cell, but also allow herself to be regularly subjected to torture, was complete insanity. And Starlight would not accept it. Taking in a deep breath through her nostrils, Starlight exhaled it sharply through her mouth, furrowed her brow, and planted a frown upon her muzzle. "How can you want to stay after everything that Twilight's put you through?" An eyebrow raised, Twilight said, matter-of-factly, "Because this is my purpose. It's why I made me." Starlight blinked. "You... made yourself?" "No, I, me, didn't. I, the other Twilight, made me." Twilight pondered her phrasing for a moment. "It's hard for me to explain, because I have both of the memories. It gets sort of mixed up in there." She tapped at her chin. "It's like, I remember making me, even though I know that I, the one that made me, isn't the me that's telling you this. But you need to understand that I, the other Twilight, doesn't remember it. At least, she doesn't really remember the parts that matter." "What do you mean by that?" Starlight asked. Twilight closed her eyes for a moment, her eyes scanning as if reading the back of her eyelids. When she opened them she looked at Starlight. "I'm just gonna start at the beginning." She then gazed off to one of the walls behind Starlight as she began her story. "I really tried everything before it came to this. Enchanted chests. Idol statues. Personal effects. But none of them could hold the feelings. They would all leak over time, like trying to hold water in a burlap sack. And so I tried to think of how I could make something that could hold emotions. "That's when I thought of a construct. It was perfect! It was just like a pony, but it wouldn't think or feel. Yeah, it could move and would probably try to wander off, but I could just chain it up. "Now, a construct has to be made from materials both natural and inorganic. No wood. No metal. So I formed me from Barnsbury clay and used sands from Mareitius for color. I could have made me look however I wanted, but I felt it would be most appropriate if it looked like me. I certainly wouldn't want the avatar of my darkest thoughts to look like Fluttershy! "When I had finished forming it, I tried to use my magic to give it life, but it was too complicated as an alicorn. There's something special about that form. Every time I tried that, the clay would fracture when the wings unfolded or the horn would break off. So I had to take off the wings, but that was fine. It was still me - I was born a unicorn, after all. "But even after I animated it, that construct wasn't me, this me. At least, not really, because I don't actually remember what it was like to be that one." Twilight scratched at her neck. "I don't think I knew anything then. Like, I had no mind. I know I'm the same one, physically, but the way I was alive wasn't quite the same. I looked like a pony. I even moved like a pony and breathed like a pony. But the problem was, I couldn't hang on to the emotions. They leaked out at the same rate as before. "And that was when I realized what the problem was: even a construct is just a fancy mechanism. I couldn't make it hold those thoughts because it had no place to think thoughts. But I could fix that. And what would bad thoughts matter if it couldn't feel the emotions that made them bad? So I labored for hours until I created a spell that let me expand the life of the construct. And I gave me thoughts." Suddenly, Twilight looked around the room. "I remember that. As me me. I was here. And the first thing I remember is the glow of my horn dimming in front of me. I looked at me and I looked back at me for the first time. At least, for the first time where I knew I was looking back. "But I was different then. I didn't feel like me now. I don't know how to explain what it's like to think without feeling. I don't even think I really remember what it was like, because I feel things when I think back on those times. But anyhoof, I gave me the memories again." Twilight shook her head. "That was a huge mistake. I, I me, remember getting the memories. But even if the specifics stayed, all the other stuff, the reactions and feelings around them, still came back out. So the emotions were just kind of there. But they didn't have any thoughts attached, so like, the anger wasn't toward somepony or something. It was just anger. And sadness wasn't sadness over stuff that happened. It was just sadness. "And that was the really hard thing, because those emotions seeped back into me, the other me. And they were really bad." Twilight put a hoof to her chin. "Of all of them, I think jealousy was the worst. Pure jealousy not attached to anything. Before that, I didn't think it was possible to feel jealous about something but not know why. Everypony I saw could make me feel jealous for no reason. It is so infuriating to be jealous like that, because you can't even try to fix it. If you don't know what you want, you can't convince yourself you don't need it, or that the other pony deserves it. Shame was also pretty bad, for similar reasons. "So I had made my situation even worse and my solution was now the problem. Then again, I saw how I could fix it. But I didn't want to do it. I fought it. I fought it for days!" Twilight looked Starlight dead in the eye, a look of pleading on her face. "You need to understand that. Please, know that I knew it was wrong! I knew I shouldn't, but the torment of thoughtless emotions was just too much for me. I even apologized to me for what I was going to do. And I remember being apologized to, but I, me, didn't understand, of course. So when I lit my horn to give me emotions, I had no idea what was coming." A deep breath was pulled into Twilight's lungs. "That was a moment. Sweet Celestia. To feel for the first time! It was like teleporting out of a stuffy room right into a breezy field. Like breathing deeply when you're finally safe from drowning. You don't realize how much you need the air until you haven't had it. And I had never had it." Starlight wondered if that recollection would make this Twilight smile, but it didn't. At best her expression was neutral, but it soon became a frown. "You can probably imagine what happened next. The first emotion I ever felt was curiosity as I sat in front of me building up magic. I figured I'd get more memories, but when our horns touched-- GAH!" Twilight shouted and jumped in place a few times. "Yah-yeh-yuk! Ugh! To go from feeling nothing to feeling every manner of horror that life has to offer is not a good way to get introduced to emotions! And those first few hours of trying to understand what was happening to me were just terrible. Trying to sort through what these feelings were was not straight-forward. And the fact that they were unattached to anything meant that I had to puzzle out why I might feel each one..." Twilight's eyes darted toward the ceiling for a moment, then she looked back at Starlight. "Alright. You know disgust?" She actually waited for Starlight to nod before continuing. "Yeah, so it's telling you that you don't want something. But how do you not want it? It isn't like fear, where you want to get away from something that could cause you physical pain. It gives you this tingling on your skin to make you want to wipe yourself down. It makes you want to throw up. So disgust is about getting rid of things that are already on or in you, or avoiding things that you don't want to have on or in you. But nopony told me that. I had to sort it out myself. And it took a while. "But for me, the other me, I still had a problem... "After giving me the emotions, I technically felt better, because those thoughtless emotions were gone, but there was now this nagging guilt. I just couldn't live with the fact that I was forcing something that could actually feel to experience a pain that even I couldn't bare. After a couple days, I decided I was going to come and take it all back. I was going to reverse the spell and shoulder all of those feelings again and come up with another solution. "But, when I thought about doing that, I also couldn't handle the idea of taking those corrupted emotions back. And do you know what emotion I was feeling?" Starlight initially thought the question was rhetorical, but when Twilight did not continue, she said, "Disgust?" "Exactly. I was grossed out by those emotions. I didn't want them back inside me. The thought of it literally made me vomit. Twice! But I was afraid of the guilt, too. It was hurting me, and it was only going to keep on hurting me. So I couldn't take it back, but I also couldn't live with the pain of not taking it back! "And that's why the next time I came here, I gave me the memories of making me, and all of the guilt that came with it. Now I, the me right here, have those memories and feelings. "Do you see what I mean? About how Twilight doesn't understand? At least, not really. Sure, she has vague memories of making me, but all of the details and emotion that went into it is gone. She doesn't know what she's doing! She doesn't know that I have the capacity for thought or emotions; all of my outbursts are just mechanical to her. So all of my pain really isn't her fault when you thin--" "What?!" Starlight shrieked. "Not her fault? Like hay it isn't! Are you crazy? She's torturing you, for pony sake! I don't give a buck if she 'doesn't know what she's doing.' It's like a little colt bucking a cat and thinking it's funny. Just because he doesn't understand that it feels pain, that doesn't make it okay. You tell the colt off and explain why it's wrong!" Shock filled Twilight's face. "No! You can't! You can't tell me-- I mean, her! It would make all of this pointless! I would feel guilty all over again. And then I'd have to put even more guilt into me!" Starlight shook her head. "No, she wouldn't do that, because I wouldn't let her. You don't have to let that fear control you. I'll keep you safe from Twilight and make sure sh--" "Don't do it!" "--e never hurts... what?" "Just let me stay here!" "But... but I can protect you! You must have the memory of my fight with Twilight. You know my magic is just as good as hers." Twilight nodded. "Yes, I do. I have a lot of her memories. And even if they are almost all bad ones, I still know how I felt in those situations. And my fears were hardly ever for me. They were for my friends. "I probably care just as much about those friends as if I was Princess Twilight. I would have gladly sacrificed myself to stop you in that fight. And, when I'm true to myself, I, the me standing here, would do the same." Looking at Starlight, Twilight asked, "Will you let me do that?" She lifted up the forehoof that Starlight had freed. "Will you fix this chain and let me make that sacrifice?" Starlight stared back at her. "You can't mean that." Twilight said simply, "I really do." Why was this happening? How could this attempt to do right have gone so horribly wrong? Starlight was no stranger to brainwashing, of course. Sure, there were no spells or propaganda machines here, but clearly this Twilight had been driven mad. Nopony would ever agree to this. So she was going to have to make the choice for Twilight. Whether she liked it or not. Nodding to herself, Starlight looked back at the construct and opened her mouth. But when their eyes locked, Starlight could not help but recognize the resolve inside of those violet, bloodshot eyes. To her horror, those eyes were not the dead, mindless eyes of her villagers, nor did the construct wear the vacant expression of somepony being mind controlled. She looked completely conscious and aware. She has justifications. She has motives. She thought this through... Reluctantly, Starlight allowed her mind to come to its uncomfortable conclusion. She made this decision on her own. If I force her to go... If I take her without her consent... No matter how Starlight tried to spin the narrative, it was undeniable that, from a plainly obvious angle, she would be capturing this Twilight, not liberating her. And keeping her against her will would, by definition, be imprisoning her. Once Starlight recognized that, she realized that she could not bring herself to do it. Finally defeated, Starlight felt her withers and spirits sink. Spike was right. When push comes to shove, I don't have what it takes to make the hard choice... Starlight walked toward Twilight and looked down at the chain she had broken. Her horn started to light up, but then dimmed again. She looked at Twilight until Twilight looked back. "Please," she begged. "Let me help you." "If you want to help me now, all you need to do is fix that link," she said, then added. "Besides, you've already done plenty to help me tonight." The unicorn could not stop herself from laughing at the lunacy of that statement. "Ha! Well, that's nice of you to say and all, but you're asking me to undo literally the only thing I did. When I walk out of this room, I'm going to be leaving you just like I found you." "No. That's not true." Twilight shook her head. "You've made this so much better, because now I know that I could have left. You finally gave me a choice!" And at that, for the first time, Starlight saw this Twilight smile. "I never realized how much I needed that." The construct looked down at her hooves. "It's different when you choose your chains." Starlight's gaze drifted to the chains, then back to Twilight's face. A hint of that smile was still there as she... admired?... her shackles. Starlight blinked and felt the wetness of tears on her muzzle. She sighed and shook her head and looked back at the broken link. Focusing on it, she closed her eyes and ignited her horn. When she opened them again, the chain was whole. "Thank you," she heard Twilight say. But she could not bring herself to again look upon that face. Turning, Starlight began to walk out of the room. Absentmindedly, she responded, "You're wel--" No. Taking in a deep breath, Starlight pushed herself to look back. Twilight was there. Mane still matted and snarled. Coat still coated in grease. She was unchanged. And her face now held a look of confusion. "This is not how your story ends," Starlight said, more against reality than toward Twilight. Looking concerned, Twilight recoiled. Starlight sniffed and shook her head sharply, throwing a few tears to either side of her. "I'm not going to free you. I don't agree with your decision, but I will let you make it. I'm not going to force you to do anything, do you understand me?" Her face relaxing slightly, Twilight nodded. Starlight gathered the spit in her mouth and swallowed. When she blinked, more tears spilled forth from her eyes, and after a moment she could taste one of them as it touched her tongue. "But, if you want, I can c-come back again. I'll... I'll come visit you." Taken aback, Twilight stared at the other unicorn. Her mouth rested open. Her eyes locked tightly onto Starlight's. Wiping at her face with a hoof, Starlight asked, "Is that okay?" Twilight blinked twice, then, "Okay." With a shuddering breath, Starlight mustered the strength to say, "A-a-alright. I'll s-see you soon... then." Finally leaving, Starlight faced toward the door and walked away. It was not a good solution. It was not even a satisfying one. The gesture was much smaller than what this Twilight deserved, but it was just all Starlight could think to give. As she walked out of the room, she used her magic to pick up the brown cloak and place it on her back. "Starlight?" Starlight heard the word, but it took her brain a moment to register its significance. Glancing back, she dared to look Twilight in the eye one more time. The pony's head was cocked to the side. Her right eyebrow was slightly higher than her left. "Why are you doing this?" Steeling herself, for the sake of the construct, Starlight forced her lips into something akin to a smile. "You seem like you could use a friend." Author's Note This was my first attempt at writing a darkfic. I hope you found it interesting. If you are wondering, I am open to writing a sequel about the relationship between Starlight and the construct. I don't think this story requires a sequel, but I have some ideas and think the concept could work. However, I haven't written anything, so it would not come out anywhere near as rapidly as this story. It would also, almost certainly, be even longer than this one. If you are interested in that, do let me know, and thank you for reading!
No EscapeSix fountains of incandescence surrounded the mare as she breathed slowly. Inhale. Cutie Marks are good. Exhale. Difference is good. Inhale. Cutie Marks are good. Exhale. Difference is good. The candles had lost several inches and only a fraction remained. Starlight had noted earlier that one in particular had begun to smoke more than the others. The mare's eyelids twitched, but she kept them closed. She needed to focus on her meditations, but the more she thought about the importance of such focus, the more her mind was pushed to remember why she felt the need to recluse herself for the day... Starlight noticed a couple of ponies in a disagreement at the park. They were arguing about the qualities of the jazz music being played by ponies on the stage. Both of these mares were into music themselves, both even roommates, but their skills and experiences with music were different. One was a white-coated, vibrantly blue-haired DJ and the other a nearly grayscale, dark-maned classical musician. And this difference, though minor compared to most members of society, was still sufficient to generate conflict with regards to their passion. Wherever passion and talent were found, conflict over quality was always present. While she had tried to ignore the matter, she inevitably had another inexcusable thought. If they just didn't have those stupid, worthless, disgusting Marks, they wouldn't need to fight! Upon hearing herself think that way, she excused herself from Bon-Bon's birthday to come here. As Starlight left the party, Spike had put a claw on her shoulder. "Starlight, what's wrong?" "Nothing. I'm fine." Whenever someone else looked at her, Starlight was afraid that they could see past her eyes, so she looked at the ground. "I'm worried," Spike said. "This is the third time this week you've just up and left something." Starlight pointed her eyes back at Spike without raising her head, but she did raise her eyebrows and kept her jaw planted in a frown. "Are you saying that I don't have a right to leave when I want?" Spike let his claw leave her shoulder. "No. I'm only saying that, if you ever need to talk to me about anything, you can." Focus, Starlight. Her breathing had became irregular, but she tried again to repeat her mantra in her mind. Inhale. Cutie Marks are good. Exhale. Difference is g-- frustration. To excel is to fail. Starlight still had not opened her eyes, but a tear had formed in each. Just do a body scan again. Recenter. You can do this. The tears fell as she pressed her eyes more tightly closed. The mare focused her attention on the crown of her head. There was a light itch beneath her mane. Her hair felt slightly unclean, probably from sweat. She shifted the focus to her ears. They felt somewhat colder than her head. And they heard no sound save her own breath, which was beginning to become regular again. Then she moved the focus to her horn. There was a small tingle there. Perhaps pent-up magic? No, no. That only happened to particularly strong unicorns. She was no better than anypony else. Accept your limitations, and happiness will follow. You're no better than your friends. Why did she still think this way? She had given herself an ultimatum. It was supposed to be fixed a week ago. After all these months, she was not allowed to think this way anymore. That was the deal. She had promised. She swore she would change. It was not just a promise to herself. Twilight had been reluctant to give Starlight her own room for meditation. Initially, Starlight wanted to use Twilight's mediation chamber, but Twilight said it was out of the question. After a few days of pleading, promising that the meditation would help, Twilight agreed that she could have a room on the ground floor. Maybe Twilight had been right initially to deny her request. Perhaps her quest for self-redemption was futile. With a shake of her head, she finally opened her eyes. But when she did, she found that the first candle had died in a trail of smoke. That meant she had been in here for at least two hours. Only a sixth of her light was gone, but the whole of her hope went with it. She could not save herself. She was too broken. Too messed up. Too vile. Wanting friendship and wanting to be reformed were not enough. Her identity was locked up in jealousy and corruption. How she wanted to behave was unimportant. How she wished to think was insignificant. In her heart, she knew that truth. The deep truth that she never dared think. The truth revealed to her all those years ago, that she had embedded in everything she would do from that moment onward. In sameness, there is peace. Exceptionalism is a lie. "No!" Starlight shouted to the empty room. The breath of her cry blew out another of the candles. This is not how my story ends. Taking a deep breath, Starlight said, "Tomorrow."
No FreedomStarlight had not slept particularly well that night, but she would not allow herself to wait any longer. The moment she awoke, she made up her mind. Today was going to be different. Today she would finally let go of her past. No matter how wobbly she took the steps. No matter how many times she yawned. She did not stop until she stood at the door to the meditation chamber. Twilight's meditation chamber. It had been generous of Twilight to give Starlight her own room for this, but a part of Starlight wondered if there was something special about Twilight's chamber. The mare always came out so much more relaxed, as if all of her troubles were a thousand miles away. Perhaps the room was enchanted to play soothing music, or held an artifact that exuded calming waves, or the tapestries displayed realistic fields and lakes to produce a serene environment. Or maybe it was just like her room, and this expedition would accomplish nothing. In either case, surely her progress could not get any worse from this experience. With a sigh, Starlight pushed her hoof against the door. It did not budge. In hindsight, this detail should not have surprised Starlight. It was clear that Twilight wanted her privacy in this room. But to lock it when it was not even in use? Starlight brought her hoof back and rubbed at her eye. Her first thought was to use a basic lock picking spell. The fact that this was her initial instinct bothered Starlight. I really do need help. But that was why she was here. And if anything in the room was really that private, Twilight would put all sorts of enchantments on the door to keep ponies out, right? Right. Starlight pointed her horn at the door and both it and the lock lit up with turquoise magic. There was a soft click, and the door gently swung inward a couple centimeters. With a light nod to herself, Starlight pushed open the door further as she began to enter, but stopped. She heard a voice coming from the room. "No. Not today." The mood of the voice startled Starlight the most. It was defeated desperation. Sadness soaked every syllable. The voice knew its plea was hollow. It was a tone that froze Starlight's hooves to the floor. After several moments of silence, the voice returned. "You said you wouldn't be back for a while. You said the trip would help." Anguish and distress rested upon the surface of the words. But both phrases were now long enough that Starlight could identify the speaker. "Twilight?" The voice gasped. "Who is that?!" Definitely Twilight. Not waiting another instant, Starlight threw the door open the rest of the way and ran into the room. What she saw was both clear and unbelievable. The chamber looked much like the rest of the castle. Its walls and columns were made from blue and purple crystals. However the only window to the room was draped, so the light came from torches along the walls, giving the room a warm glow not present in most of Twilight's castle. Toward the far end of the room stood Twilight. A chain bound each of her hooves. Her coat and mane were in disarray, torchlight glinting off of the grease. One side was matted down from sleeping. The other bristled with all manner of cowlick and stray hairs. The whites of her eyes burned red. Dark streaks sat prominently on each side of her muzzle. A black ring rested upon the base of her horn. And upon her back, there were no wings. Twilight squinted as she tried to see through the light cascading in from the hall. But then her jaw dropped, her eyes went wide, and she screamed. She tried to gallop closer to the far wall, but the effort merely tripped her legs with her chains, causing her to drop to the floor. She writhed, trying to stand back up, only further entangling herself. Starlight gaped at the scene for several seconds, doing nothing until a part of her mind yelled Help her! Charging forward, her horn ignited, holding the flailing Twilight in place with her magic as she began to examine the chains around her. "No! Please! Don't take my cutie mark again!" The cry made Starlight involuntarily glance at Twilight's flank. Her blank flank. Looking at Twilight's face, and seeing the abject horror, Starlight said, "Just relax. I'll have you untangled in a minute." She gently lifted Twilight up a few inches and, one by one, unscrambled the chains with her magic. Thankfully, none had been knotted so badly that she needed to move Twilight during the process. She simply and diligently worked each chain free. All the while, Twilight's expression slowly shifted from terror to confusion. When her work was done, Starlight lifted Twilight back onto her hooves facing back at her. "Are you okay?" Starlight asked. Twilight screamed. "No! What do you want from me?" "I... I don't want anything from you..." "Then go away!" shouted Twilight. Fresh tears beginning to spout as she clenched shut her eyes and shook her head, falling into a small puddle on the floor. "Leave me alone! Go away! Go away! Go away!" Again and again, Twilight shouted the command. Now scared herself, Starlight shouted back, "Alright!" and abruptly fled the room. The moment she was in the hall, she slammed shut the door and re-locked it. She then backed away until she bumped into the far wall, sitting on the floor and leaning back against it. Her breathing was heavy and erratic. Her mind focused only on the immediate past of what she had just witnessed. What in Celestia's name was that?
No UnderstandingStarlight pushed open the door to her bedroom. Her legs were shaking violently enough that walking had become difficult. No amount of breathing exercises while pressed against the wall had allowed her to relax this away. As soon as she had crossed the threshold into her room, she ignited her horn and closed the door behind her, then collapsed onto the floor. Gradually, she began to inch toward her bed. Upon reaching it, she put both hooves on the edge and pulled herself up, crawling into bed until her head was resting face-down on her pillow. One of her hind legs was still hanging off the side and she flung her body over so that leg was on the bed and she now faced the ceiling. Only moving her eyes, she looked to the far corner of the room and identified one of her kites resting on her dresser. A beautiful red and gold delta she had hoofcrafted the week before. With her horn, she grabbed it and brought it to rest on her stomach. And she brought her forelimbs up to gently wrap around it. So she laid on her bed, clutching at the kite, hardly moving. And her thoughts, having no where else to go now that she had made it to the safest place she could conceive of, went back to that other place. That chamber. She replayed the experience of entering the room and seeing... another Twilight? She did not even know what to call her. The pony clearly was not Twilight herself. Not only was she not an alicorn, but she was not even some past version of Twilight. She was a full grown mare with no cutie mark, and Starlight knew full well that Twilight got her cutie mark as a filly. This pony was someone else. Perhaps even something else. Within the ocean of chaos in Starlight's mind, the mare's consciousness fought to tread water. The air it sought was reason and it struggled to keep the tumult from entering its lungs. It's Twilight's room. Twilight's room. Why would Twilight have... that? But Starlight soon realized this piece of flotsam would not support her weight. Twilight would never do that. There was no way. That pony could not be. Starlight thought of the room's purpose. It was a room to relax. She had seen Twilight after times in that room, and she always looked relieved. It was this clear sign of benefit that made Starlight want to try meditation for herself. And within the churning of Starlight's thoughts, something arrived beneath her. An idea that seemed to allow for purchase. What if it was me? What if I brought that into the room with me? Starlight was aware of types of magic that allowed for a pony to witness events from within their subconscious. Dangerous spells that caused the deepest fears and angers of a pony to materialize before their eyes. She had, at one time, considered trying to learn such spells in the hopes that it could reveal in others their own subconscious fears about their Cutie Marks. However, her success with persuading other ponies to join her had made such methods of coercion unnecessary, and she had abandoned the effort. But perhaps Twilight had come up with a more interesting idea: Using the spell on herself. That was something Starlight could imagine. Twilight, deciding that the only thing worthy of fear was fear, and so wanting to face fear itself, had enchanted her room with magic that would force her to encounter her own subconscious demons. When faced with anxiety brought on by some undealt-with pain, Twilight could enter the room and see what was hurting her. Choose when to fight such a battle and put to death the chaos of thought before it festered. To have such a strength of resolve was unfathomable to Starlight, but she could imagine that a Princess like Twilight, who had faced the Lord of Chaos himself, was more than capable. And it would certainly explain why Twilight would want to keep Starlight from using the room. She clearly was not ready for facing her own fears. But, in spite of that, she had seen it. What am I afraid of, then? Of course, it was obvious. That she would turn evil again. That she would enslave Twilight and take her Cutie Mark away. Finally force true equality upon the citizens of Equestria, as she now feared she was destined to do. Dethrone the Princess and-- The footing beneath her consciousness shook. But if that was Twilight after I took away her Cutie Mark, why was she not an alicorn? Plus, that explanation would not fit with Twilight begging her not to take her Cutie Mark again. Especially considering that she did not even have one. And why was she a blank flank? Why not have an equal sign Mark? And there was something else. Something that Twilight had said right at the start. Something about a trip? Starlight had no plans for travel at the moment. Twilight, the real Twilight, was the one currently away on a vacation. So Starlight sank once more into the tempest of disorder inside her head. As her mind sought safety, another potential life preserver bumped into her. When Starlight had unlocked the door, she had been wondering about potential safeguards for the room. Maybe it was not actually vulnerable to a simple spell. Perhaps the room conjured up that vision to get Starlight to leave. After all, that was what that Twilight had been shouting for, for her to leave. It was certainly a manifestation of something that scared Starlight as much as anything she could envision. But then... why did it speak before she entered? Doing that only prompted Starlight to come in. Granted, she was going to anyway, but why help her along? And why did Twilight get tangled in her chains like that? If it was based on Starlight's own thoughts and fears to keep her out of the room, would it not know that literally tripping up would cause Starlight to want to help? Again, drawing her into the room. Then, with a mighty crash, a wave brought her mind firmly against the shore. But when she looked around, she saw that she had landed upon an accursed island. Surely she could not have arrived here. What if there really is a pony in that room? It could not be real. No matter if it looked real. Or felt real. Or sounded real. It could not be real. What a condition to be in. A mane, a sweat-soaked film of knots. Beet-red eyes, spouts for tears into a growing puddle on the floor. Chains, the only company in a dimly lit chamber. Why, in all the realms of Equestria and beyond, would Twilight lock up a pony in a room in her castle? It would be senseless. Even if that pony was a criminal, that was what Tartarus was for. And she certainly did not look like a criminal. She looked like Twilight. Sounded like Twilight. But she was not Twilight. And she was not real. It can't be. She can't be. Unable to divine any answers to her questions, Starlight simply stroked at her kite while she remembered the horror on that pony's face and wept and thought of the chains and wept some more. As the minutes turned to hours, that crying slowly began to help. Tears became less frequent. Her breathing became reasonably stable. There were times when she thought she drifted off to sleep. At other times, she even thought about getting up. No doubt she would have to leave the room eventually. And as the sun neared the evening horizon, there was a knock at the door. "Come in," she said automatically, quickly igniting her horn to pull the water from the tears off of her muzzle and throw them to the other end of the room. As she sat up, Spike opened the door. "Hey, Twilight just got back from her cruise," he said. "She's downstairs now." Starlight nodded. "Okay." For a moment, there was silence as Spike simply stood in the door and Starlight just sat on her bed. Then, "Uh, are you coming?" Shaking herself, Starlight said, "Right, yeah." And finally got out of bed.
No ShelterStarlight and Spike made their way down the stairs, arriving just as Twilight sat the last of her bags in the hall with magic. She smiled upon seeing her dragon and student. "Boy am I glad to see you two. You would not believe how hectic my trip was!" Spike tilted his head. "What? I thought it was a vacation." "Yeah, so did my family. But it turns out it was all being run by Iron Will and he made me spend the whole time catering to a bunch of Princess fans! It was so stressful that I ended up snapping at a pony out of frustration." "Ouch," said Spike. "That doesn't sound good." Twilight shook her head. "Well, it's over now." She looked between the two of them. "I hope your week wasn't full of unexpected stress." "None here," said Spike. Starlight forced herself to respond. "Oh, not much." Twilight sighed. "After a trip like that, I think I need a bit of meditation." Perhaps it was Starlight's imagination, but she thought there was something strange about the way Twilight said that last word. Against her will, Starlight gulped. "Got it," said Spike. "I'll go get started on dinner." "And I'll, uh, go get washed up," Starlight said, putting on a small smile, which Twilight returned as she walked away. Starlight then began to walk off in the opposite direction. And as soon as she was out of sight, she quickly dove into a spare room. The unicorn considered igniting her horn to teleport up to the third floor ahead of Twilight, but she knew it would be futile. While she obviously wanted to know what Twilight was up to, there was no place in the meditation room for Starlight to hide. The whole chamber was simple; there were no closets or even furniture to speak of. Just torches and chains and... Starlight remembered something. The puddle of tears on the floor. She was familiar with the concept of scrying, looking into a medium like water to remotely view other places, and the fact that it was possible to do the reverse. Reverse scrying was obviously less useful, as it pretty much limited where one could observe to places with standing water, but it had the advantage of not needing a medium for a pony to look into. It was worth a shot. But if the whole thing was just in my head, then that puddle didn't really exist. However, even a negative result was still a result. If there was no longer any water in the room, that would at least tell Starlight that what she had seen wasn't physical. Starlight closed her eyes and focused her attention. Her horn lit up with magic and, after a few seconds, she opened her eyes. When she did, she was no longer looking at the inside of the small room, but instead was looking up at the ceiling of Twilight's meditation chamber. And the other Twilight was still there, just visible off to the right, laid on the floor. Starlight's breathing halted and her pulse increased. Her experience was not an illusion. How can she be real? What is Twilight doing? Outside of Starlight's field of view, the door clicked. The Twilight in the room immediately stood up. "Twilight? Is that you?" she called. There was silence until the door shut. Hoofsteps could be heard approaching the puddle. They seemed to make it about halfway across the room, before stopping abruptly. "Why did you ask if it was me?" The Twilight gave a sigh. "I hallucinated again. Another pony came into the room. It felt even more real this time." The hoofsteps resumed. "I thought you said you wouldn't need to do this for a while." Princess Twilight came into view and then sat down in front of the other Twilight, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. She simply sat for a moment. Her mood appeared calm and the only visible movement was the rhythmic rising and falling of her chest. Starlight was taken aback. Is she actually meditating? How could seeing this possibly help her meditate?! "Could... could we please wait? Just a day or two? If I just had a bit more time between sessions, maybe--" "Shut up," Twilight hissed, her eyes still closed. "I have to concentrate." The other Twilight's head fell. She stared, mouth wide, eyes fully open, into the pool of tears. Her head slowly swayed back and forth. To Starlight, she was looking right at her. She could feel the hopelessness and her own chest grew tight watching this Twilight attempt to prepare for some inevitable fate that she seemed unable to handle. For several minutes, there was silence. Princess Twilight did not move. The other Twilight moved little. The only significant change was that, as time went on, Princess Twilight's horn began to glow dimly and, bit by bit, a ball of magenta light grew at the end of her horn. When the ball was about the size of a filly's hoof, the Princess opened her eyes and stood up, the light still resting on her horn's tip. Seeing this, the other Twilight stopped looking into the puddle and looked right into her counterpart's eyes. She gulped. "Please don't." Princess Twilight raised a hoof and gently lifted the black ring from the base of the other Twilight's horn. When it was a little more than half-way removed, Princess Twilight moved closer. "I'm getting worse." She brought her horn's tip into contact with that of the other Twilight. "Wai--!" The magenta magic cascaded from the Princess's horn and engulfed the horn of the second Twilight, eliciting a gasp from the latter. Her eyes had opened wide. Her lips quivered as her jaw flapped wordlessly. The Princess's eyes sat closed. She wore no clear expression. After several seconds, the magic faded and Princess Twilight let go of the ring, allowing it to drop back onto the base of the other's horn. Tears returned again to the other Twilight's eyes as she collapsed to the floor, her head in her hooves. "I missed them? I missed the Northern Stars?" The Princess turned and left, going out of view. The other Twilight continued. "No, it's okay. I can't disappoint my family. But... but what about me? Why does nopony care about me being happy?! I would never have agreed to this if I knew I was going to have to do work all week!" She lifted up her head, looking up at the ceiling. "Wait. That's not right. These ponies matter. I can't let them down. I won't let them down! No matter what I have to put up with." This Twilight's nostrils suddenly flared and anger rose in her voice. "No matter how unbearably annoying they are. It isn't their fault. This is all Iron Will's fault!" With a gasp, Twilight froze. Then she let out a manic laugh. "No! It's my parent's fault! They should have read that contract before signing it. If they hadn't been negligent, none of this would have happened!" Then a frown returned. "But they just wanted to be happy. Was it so wrong of them to think that maybe the cruise was being done in good faith?" And on and on she went. Weeping and yelling and harsh laughter interspersed the ramblings, but they continued until Starlight could not watch any longer. She dimmed her horn, allowing the scene to fade away, wiping tears from her eyes. Starlight found it was still difficult for her to breathe, as if she feared sucking in too much air would draw in whatever it was she had just witnessed.
No Relief"Spike," whispered Starlight. It was later that night. Dinner had been mostly Twilight talking about the highlights of her cruise: meeting with ponies, everypony else's activities, and the nice surprise of her family reenacting the Northern Stars for her. During the meal, Starlight watched Twilight as if she was looking at a theater performance. On previous nights, she might have been impressed with how well Twilight had managed to put a positive spin onto what she had only an hour before said was a stressful trip. This only caused the unicorn to think back on other nights at this same table after Twilight had gone to meditate, and how much she admired the mental maturity of her mentor. She could not help but feel naïve. Spike did not seem surprised at all to hear her only mention good things about her vacation, a detail that Starlight used to draw the most obvious conclusion: He knew. Starlight remained almost entirely silent during the whole affair. She only responded to simple questions about how she liked her food, or gave short replies to questions about how she spent her week. For that, she did not directly lie, but definately did not mention what she had done that morning. Twilight did make a comment about her seeming rather quiet. However, Starlight used the excuse of not sleeping well the night before, another truth put out to mask the lie. Of course, Twilight politely offered to take her to the library to show her some sleeping spells, but Starlight was not going to let herself be in a room alone with Twilight tonight. Maybe not ever again. And, after finishing her plate, she had excused herself at once. However, she had not gone to her bedroom, but had simply been waiting in the room across the hall from Spike's. "Starlight?" Spike said, looking around to see that Starlight had just emerged from behind the door. "What are you doing here? I thought you went to bed." "Remember yesterday when you said I could talk to you about anything? Is now a bad time?" "Of course not," said the dragon, removing his claw from the knob of his bedroom door. "Do you want to talk in there? Or in the dining room? Or..." How about in Twilight's meditation chamber on the third floor? "In here is fine," Starlight pushed open the door the rest of the way and allowed Spike to enter before shutting the door. Her horn then ignited and she bathed the entire room in magic for a few moments before turning to Spike. "Why did you do that?" he asked. "It's a soundproofing spell," said Starlight, glancing around the room as if she could see something to check whether the spell worked. "What I'm about to talk to you about is something Twilight doesn't want us discussing. In fact, I'm sure that I'm not even supposed to know." Then Starlight's eyes locked onto Spike's. "But I have a feeling that you already do." Spike raised an eyebrow. "What is it?" Starlight took a deep breath. "I went into Twilight's meditation room, and I--" "What?" Spike snarled. "You invaded Twilight's privacy?" Starlight was taken aback by this reply, and it showed on her face, to which Spike continued, "Twilight doesn't keep many secrets, Starlight. And if she does, it's for a good reason. You had no right to go in there." "But she... In that room... I saw..." Starlight knew the words she wanted to say. They were right in front of her. Twilight is keeping some sort of clone prisoner. Her mouth opened as she fought to say them, but something inside her could not give voice to the reality that she had witnessed. Yet Spike said simply, "You saw the construct she has in there, right?" The only thing Starlight could manage in reply was, "Who is she?" The dragon rolled his eyes. "First of all," Spike said. "It's an 'it,' not a 'she.' That thing is just a construct. It was made by Twilight. And, sure, I'd guess it was probably scary to see if you don't know that, but it isn't a pony. It isn't even an animal. It's just a thing. It's really more like a piece of furniture than anything else." Putting a hoof to her forehead, Starlight stepped back slightly as she reeled from this. "How can you say that?" "Because it's true," said Spike, matter-of-factly. "Yeah, it's sort of weird, but it was the only thing Twilight could use to hold her negative emotions. All the frustration and worries that come from being a Princess get put in there so she can focus on more important stuff. You can understand that. After all, you did the same thing with a bottle not too long ago, right?" Biting her lip, Starlight said, "Well, yes, but this is different!" "There's only two differences," Spike put up a claw with two fingers, dropping one before beginning each point. "One, it actually holds the thoughts, unlike your bottle that spilled out your anger all over Ponyville and almost got Trixie killed. And two, it's a pony-shaped vessel instead of a glass one. I mean, if your bottle was shaped like a pony, would that have really made a difference?" "Spike, have you ever seen her be--?" "It," Spike corrected. Starlight groaned. "Okay. Have you ever seen it before?" "No, but I don't need to. " Starlight opened her mouth to rebut, but Spike raised a hand to stop her. "You have no idea how stressful it is for Twilight to be a Princess. She has to save the world practically twice a year, manage friendships across all of Equestria, and all this while trying to live her own life. Letting go of those emotions makes Twilight a better ruler and it makes her a lot happier. You have no idea the kinds of late-night talks we used to have before she made the construct." "But Spike, it's a pony!" Spike shook his head. "It might look like a pony, but it isn't real, not like you and me. It moves, it reacts, but it can't think. It can't feel. It's like a clock; just because it moves, that doesn't make it alive." Again Starlight opened her mouth to interject, but Spike continued, "Trust me, Starlight. It's better this way. Unlike with a bottle, a construct can hold onto emotions long term. They don't leak out. They don't go and infect other ponies. They stay in that room where they can't hurt anypony and, frankly, as long as nopony else is getting hurt, it's none of your business how Twilight uses her magic. I know this solution is unconventional, but--" "It cries!" Spike blinked. "Huh?" "It cries, Spike. It cries tears. It sobs. Does that sound like a 'vessel' to you? Do clocks cry?" Spike's face began to soften, but then his indignation returned. "Well, so what? So it absorbs the emotions and then shows emotions. Big deal! Reacting isn't being real, Starlight. Twilight told me about how these things work. It doesn't feel anything." Closing her eyes, Starlight growled in frustration. "You don't get it. You don't understand!" Then an idea dawned in her mind and she opened her eyes to look at Spike. "Or maybe you just can't understand..." "Huh? I under--" In an instant, Starlight's horn ignited and covered Spike in a turquoise aura, cutting him off. She forced him to slide across the floor until his back was against the wall, then she began to walk forward. "Starlight, what are you doing?" Spike said, his body moving slightly as he fought to free himself. "I'm wondering how I can tell if you're real," she said, now standing above Spike, her mouth frowning and her eyes wide. "After all, you aren't a pony either. You're a dragon." His jaw dropping, Spike said, "Why does that matter?" "Do we really know that dragons have souls? I know I'm conscious, so I can safely assume other ponies are, but why should I assume you experience anything?" Starlight's head turned slightly as she increased the pressure on Spike's body, forcing him to stop squirming. His breathing now coming in very short bursts, Spike gasped, "Starlight. Stop. I can't br--" "What good will begging do? The construct begs. It begged Twilight not to have it hold onto more emotions. So what if you beg too? That's just 'reacting,' right?" Starlight could feel that Spike had stopped trying struggle. His eyes looked right into Starlight's. "Wha--?" he wheezed. The mare loosened her grip, causing Spike to inhale deeply. She let him catch his breath and waited. Eventually, he said, "You said it begged before Twilight gave it memories?" "It even begged me not to take its cutie mark when I was there, not that it has one to steal, but then again, neither do you." "It can talk about things?" Spike looked down at the floor. His eyes scanned lightly back and forth as he considered the implications of Starlight's words. He looked back at her. "It's afraid of things?" At that, Starlight fully released the dragon, causing him to slouch against the wall. "Yes, Spike. Just like you were now. Just like I was when I saw it." "But... but it's not real." "It seemed awfully real to me Spike." Starlight thought for a moment, then said, "She certainly acts real." Sliding down to the floor, Spike put his head in his hands. For a time, he simply sat there. And Starlight just watched him think. He looked so small slightly curled onto the floor. His purple and green form was roughly visible on the crystal wall behind him. And his shoulders looked as if they carried a burden twice his size. "Twilight said it wouldn't think or feel. But how can it talk if it doesn't think?" The dragon looked up to her for an answer. She gulped. "I don't think it could, Spike." Spike dropped his hands into his lap and shook his head. "What are we gonna do?" It was something that Starlight had not consciously considered, but the solution quickly bubbled up from her subconscious mind. Upon seeing it, it seemed so obvious that she accepted the idea and simply gave the answer: "We're going to set her free."
No Support"Have fun!" said Starlight, putting on her best fake smile. She waved to Twilight as the Princess left the castle to go help Pinkie bake pies. The moment the door was shut she teleported into her room, grabbed a cloak from her closet and then teleported right in front of Spike's door. It had been two days since Starlight and Spike's conversation. The pair had agreed to act the next time that Twilight left the castle. It had taken a lot of effort on Starlight's part to be that patient, but she had reluctantly agreed that timing would be best, justifying it both from a logical perspective and by telling herself that a few days would not make much of a difference. After knocking on Spike's door, it took a few moments for the dragon to emerge. When he did, he saw that Starlight carried a brown cloak on her back and wore a look of determination. He looked rather nervous, but that was not altogether unexpected considering what the pair was about to do. "Okay, Spike," she said. "Twilight is on her way to Sugarcube Corner to help with some baking. She said she'll be gone for a few hours, so we should have plenty of time to break out the construct." Starlight then went over the plan once more. "You'll stand guard in the hall while I break her chains. Then, we'll put her in this cloak and lead her to Trixie's wagon outside town. If we run into anypony who tries to talk to us, you can distract them while we keep going. And once we've explained everything to Trixie, you'll come back to tell Twilight that I went to the Crystal Empire to see Sunburst. That should buy us a few days to find a way to keep the construct hidden. "You ready?" Spike bit his lip. "Yeah, um... Starlight. I know I was on board when we talked, but I thought a lot about it over the last couple of days and..." he sighed. "I don't think freeing the construct is a good idea." "What?!" Starlight's nostrils flared and she bared her teeth. "How can you say that now? We agreed on this!" Cowering slightly, Spike put up his hands defensively. "Just think about it for a minute, okay? That construct wouldn't even exist if Twilight hadn't wanted a place to put her emotions. That means its whole purpose is to store Twilight's feelings and that it only exists because that's what Twilight needed it for. If Twilight hadn't made it, it wouldn't even be able to think or feel at all! I mean, is living a bad life really worse than not even existing?" Starlight gaped. "Spike, she's being forced to deal with somepony else's pain, and nothing else. This isn't just 'a bad life,' it's an existence based on suffering!" "I know, I know. It's really bad," Spike admitted. "And I feel bad for the construct and all, but Twilight is my best friend! Without that construct, she's going to go back to suffering under all of those emotions again. Somepony has to suffer for this, and I just can't do that to Twilight." Spike tapped together a pair of fingers nervously. "If you're really honest with yourself, could you actually tell your best friend that she had done something so bad that she deserved to suffer for it? While knowing that you're going to be the one who makes her suffer?" Rolling her eyes, Starlight came back with, "Well, I hope I'd have the backbone and moral conviction to want justice, if that's what you mean." Spike snorted. "Like you're one to talk about morals and justice." Letting out a single laugh, Starlight shook her head. "Alright. If that's how you feel about me, whatever! Letting her go is the right thing to do." She then looked Spike dead in the eye. "And you wouldn't really think of trying to stop me, would you?" Spike looked at the floor and thought for a moment. His claws clenched into fists, but when he exhaled they relaxed. "All I'm saying is, 'I won't help you.'" Spike looked back at Starlight. "You do what you think is right. And I'll do the same." Starlight's limbs shook in anger. "Fine. I will do it myself." Turning away, she walked down the hall a few steps before turning back and saying, "I don't know how you'll be able to sleep at night after this, but I hear Twilight's library has some spell books that might help." At that, Starlight teleported back to her room. Starlight carefully watched the door to Twilight's bedroom from behind a pillar far down the hall. It was night and had been about fifteen minutes since Twilight had entered. Starlight planned on waiting thirty to make sure the Princess was actually asleep, but the adrenaline in her veins was pushing her to accelerate the timeline. Just give it a few more minutes. We don't want Twilight to come back out for a late night-- Starlight shuddered. Meditation session. Without Spike to stand watch and help lead the pair through Ponyville, Starlight had changed the plan. The cover of night seemed like the most appropriate means of camouflage, although she had brought the cloak along. She certainly could not risk a pony looking out their window late at night and seeing a version of their Princess without wings. Besides, she did not want Spike to know enough of the details to be able to rat her out, if he decided to take that route. Admittedly, she was less sure of how she would be able to handle the construct on her own. While her skills in dealing with ponies had improved, Starlight was still not the best company to most. She had been counting on Spike to help keep the construct calm during their trip. She seemed rather emotional. Not that that was not understandable, but Starlight also did not want to have to stop in the middle of town while the construct had a break-down. This mission would definitely push the limits on what Starlight had learned from Twilight. And she grinned a bit at that. It seemed appropriate that she would be using Twilight's training in some fashion to undermine what the Princess had done. Having waited about twenty-two minutes, Starlight now stood outside of the chamber on the third floor of the castle. Before unlocking it again, she took three deep breaths. In and out. I can do this. I have to do this. Her horn and the knob shone turquoise for a moment, and then the door gently swung inward. Wasting no time, Starlight pushed the door open widely enough to slide inside and went in, closing it behind her. The Twilight in the room was on the floor, apparently asleep this time. However, upon hearing the door close, her eyes opened. "Huh? Twilight?" When she saw that the pony in the room was Starlight, she quickly jumped up from her sleeping position. She shook her head and planted her hooves in a wide stance. "You? Why are you back? What do you want this time?" "I'm here to set you free." Starlight said with confidence. Dropping the brown cloak onto the floor, she galloped forward and looked defiantly at the chains. Her horn flared and she shot a bolt of magic at the one around Twilight's left forehoof, shattering one of the links instantly. Twilight gasped. "What?! No! Stop!" "Stay calm. I'm pretty accurate with my horn. I won't hurt you." She looked to the next chain. "Don't break them!" The teeth of the gears in Starlight's mind slipped. She can't mean that. Shaking herself, Starlight lit up her horn again. "Please don't." The defeat infused into those words brought Starlight to a halt. She looked up and saw that Twilight was staring at the ground, her head swaying slightly in a wide, slow shake. The unicorn let her horn go dim. After a few more seconds, Twilight stopped and looked back at Starlight. "You listened to me?" Looking at the broken chain, Twilight lifted that hoof and, in several jerking motions, brought it up until it was reaching behind her back. Her eyes went wide. "Oh dear Celestia. I've never been able to do that before." She looked back at Starlight. "You're actually here, aren't you?" Starlight nodded. "I'm real. And I'm breaking you out of this room." Putting that same hoof to her forehead, Twilight's eyes scanned back and forth. "This doesn't make any sense. Why aren't you attacking me or opening a time portal or trying to brainwash my friends?" For a moment, Starlight was confused, then she recognized the problem. "Right, you probably don't have memories about my turning good. Those are nice memories." She thought for a moment. "But you remember when I helped you the other day, right? When I untangled you from those chains?" Twilight raised an eyebrow. "You're good now?" "Yes, I am," Starlight said. "And I can explain all that later. Princess Twilight just went to bed, so she shouldn't be awake until morning, but I don't want to take any more chances than we have to. Let's get yo--" "You have to fix that chain before I wake up!" Starlight blinked. Before I wake up? She means before she wakes up, right? "You... you don't need to worry about Twilight's reaction. You won't be here when she gets up. You're safe now. I'm going to take you away from this place." Shutting her eyes tight and shaking her head, Twilight shouted, "No! No! No!" She pounded her front hooves onto the ground with each "no" she said. "I can't leave here. Where can I go that's more important than being where I am right now?" Exasperated, Starlight said, "What are you even saying?" Twilight lifted a chained hoof and gestured around at the chamber. "From this room, I serve all of Equestria. I'm making the whole world a better place. And isn't that the most important thing a pony can do? Use her life to make the world a better place?" Mouth agape, it took a moment for Starlight to understand how to respond. She grasped at straws until she found one attached to a relevant thought. "But you're miserable here!" she shouted. "And I heard you begging Twilight not to give you more emotions to shoulder. You even said you're starting to hallucinate because of this. It's destroying you!" "Then I have to be stronger," Twilight said. "I was just weak the other day. I let myself believe that I could have a break because of my vacation. I won't make the same mistake again. I'll be ready next time! I can do it for my friends. And for Equestria." Starlight's breathing had accelerated and she put a hoof to her chest, feeling her heart pounding furiously. She blinked erratically and shook her head, trying to clear away the words she had just heard. Of all the possible reactions to being liberated, Starlight had never even considered this one.
No RescueIt was inconceivable. The idea that this construct would agree to not only sit in a prison cell, but also allow herself to be regularly subjected to torture, was complete insanity. And Starlight would not accept it. Taking in a deep breath through her nostrils, Starlight exhaled it sharply through her mouth, furrowed her brow, and planted a frown upon her muzzle. "How can you want to stay after everything that Twilight's put you through?" An eyebrow raised, Twilight said, matter-of-factly, "Because this is my purpose. It's why I made me." Starlight blinked. "You... made yourself?" "No, I, me, didn't. I, the other Twilight, made me." Twilight pondered her phrasing for a moment. "It's hard for me to explain, because I have both of the memories. It gets sort of mixed up in there." She tapped at her chin. "It's like, I remember making me, even though I know that I, the one that made me, isn't the me that's telling you this. But you need to understand that I, the other Twilight, doesn't remember it. At least, she doesn't really remember the parts that matter." "What do you mean by that?" Starlight asked. Twilight closed her eyes for a moment, her eyes scanning as if reading the back of her eyelids. When she opened them she looked at Starlight. "I'm just gonna start at the beginning." She then gazed off to one of the walls behind Starlight as she began her story. "I really tried everything before it came to this. Enchanted chests. Idol statues. Personal effects. But none of them could hold the feelings. They would all leak over time, like trying to hold water in a burlap sack. And so I tried to think of how I could make something that could hold emotions. "That's when I thought of a construct. It was perfect! It was just like a pony, but it wouldn't think or feel. Yeah, it could move and would probably try to wander off, but I could just chain it up. "Now, a construct has to be made from materials both natural and inorganic. No wood. No metal. So I formed me from Barnsbury clay and used sands from Mareitius for color. I could have made me look however I wanted, but I felt it would be most appropriate if it looked like me. I certainly wouldn't want the avatar of my darkest thoughts to look like Fluttershy! "When I had finished forming it, I tried to use my magic to give it life, but it was too complicated as an alicorn. There's something special about that form. Every time I tried that, the clay would fracture when the wings unfolded or the horn would break off. So I had to take off the wings, but that was fine. It was still me - I was born a unicorn, after all. "But even after I animated it, that construct wasn't me, this me. At least, not really, because I don't actually remember what it was like to be that one." Twilight scratched at her neck. "I don't think I knew anything then. Like, I had no mind. I know I'm the same one, physically, but the way I was alive wasn't quite the same. I looked like a pony. I even moved like a pony and breathed like a pony. But the problem was, I couldn't hang on to the emotions. They leaked out at the same rate as before. "And that was when I realized what the problem was: even a construct is just a fancy mechanism. I couldn't make it hold those thoughts because it had no place to think thoughts. But I could fix that. And what would bad thoughts matter if it couldn't feel the emotions that made them bad? So I labored for hours until I created a spell that let me expand the life of the construct. And I gave me thoughts." Suddenly, Twilight looked around the room. "I remember that. As me me. I was here. And the first thing I remember is the glow of my horn dimming in front of me. I looked at me and I looked back at me for the first time. At least, for the first time where I knew I was looking back. "But I was different then. I didn't feel like me now. I don't know how to explain what it's like to think without feeling. I don't even think I really remember what it was like, because I feel things when I think back on those times. But anyhoof, I gave me the memories again." Twilight shook her head. "That was a huge mistake. I, I me, remember getting the memories. But even if the specifics stayed, all the other stuff, the reactions and feelings around them, still came back out. So the emotions were just kind of there. But they didn't have any thoughts attached, so like, the anger wasn't toward somepony or something. It was just anger. And sadness wasn't sadness over stuff that happened. It was just sadness. "And that was the really hard thing, because those emotions seeped back into me, the other me. And they were really bad." Twilight put a hoof to her chin. "Of all of them, I think jealousy was the worst. Pure jealousy not attached to anything. Before that, I didn't think it was possible to feel jealous about something but not know why. Everypony I saw could make me feel jealous for no reason. It is so infuriating to be jealous like that, because you can't even try to fix it. If you don't know what you want, you can't convince yourself you don't need it, or that the other pony deserves it. Shame was also pretty bad, for similar reasons. "So I had made my situation even worse and my solution was now the problem. Then again, I saw how I could fix it. But I didn't want to do it. I fought it. I fought it for days!" Twilight looked Starlight dead in the eye, a look of pleading on her face. "You need to understand that. Please, know that I knew it was wrong! I knew I shouldn't, but the torment of thoughtless emotions was just too much for me. I even apologized to me for what I was going to do. And I remember being apologized to, but I, me, didn't understand, of course. So when I lit my horn to give me emotions, I had no idea what was coming." A deep breath was pulled into Twilight's lungs. "That was a moment. Sweet Celestia. To feel for the first time! It was like teleporting out of a stuffy room right into a breezy field. Like breathing deeply when you're finally safe from drowning. You don't realize how much you need the air until you haven't had it. And I had never had it." Starlight wondered if that recollection would make this Twilight smile, but it didn't. At best her expression was neutral, but it soon became a frown. "You can probably imagine what happened next. The first emotion I ever felt was curiosity as I sat in front of me building up magic. I figured I'd get more memories, but when our horns touched-- GAH!" Twilight shouted and jumped in place a few times. "Yah-yeh-yuk! Ugh! To go from feeling nothing to feeling every manner of horror that life has to offer is not a good way to get introduced to emotions! And those first few hours of trying to understand what was happening to me were just terrible. Trying to sort through what these feelings were was not straight-forward. And the fact that they were unattached to anything meant that I had to puzzle out why I might feel each one..." Twilight's eyes darted toward the ceiling for a moment, then she looked back at Starlight. "Alright. You know disgust?" She actually waited for Starlight to nod before continuing. "Yeah, so it's telling you that you don't want something. But how do you not want it? It isn't like fear, where you want to get away from something that could cause you physical pain. It gives you this tingling on your skin to make you want to wipe yourself down. It makes you want to throw up. So disgust is about getting rid of things that are already on or in you, or avoiding things that you don't want to have on or in you. But nopony told me that. I had to sort it out myself. And it took a while. "But for me, the other me, I still had a problem... "After giving me the emotions, I technically felt better, because those thoughtless emotions were gone, but there was now this nagging guilt. I just couldn't live with the fact that I was forcing something that could actually feel to experience a pain that even I couldn't bare. After a couple days, I decided I was going to come and take it all back. I was going to reverse the spell and shoulder all of those feelings again and come up with another solution. "But, when I thought about doing that, I also couldn't handle the idea of taking those corrupted emotions back. And do you know what emotion I was feeling?" Starlight initially thought the question was rhetorical, but when Twilight did not continue, she said, "Disgust?" "Exactly. I was grossed out by those emotions. I didn't want them back inside me. The thought of it literally made me vomit. Twice! But I was afraid of the guilt, too. It was hurting me, and it was only going to keep on hurting me. So I couldn't take it back, but I also couldn't live with the pain of not taking it back! "And that's why the next time I came here, I gave me the memories of making me, and all of the guilt that came with it. Now I, the me right here, have those memories and feelings. "Do you see what I mean? About how Twilight doesn't understand? At least, not really. Sure, she has vague memories of making me, but all of the details and emotion that went into it is gone. She doesn't know what she's doing! She doesn't know that I have the capacity for thought or emotions; all of my outbursts are just mechanical to her. So all of my pain really isn't her fault when you thin--" "What?!" Starlight shrieked. "Not her fault? Like hay it isn't! Are you crazy? She's torturing you, for pony sake! I don't give a buck if she 'doesn't know what she's doing.' It's like a little colt bucking a cat and thinking it's funny. Just because he doesn't understand that it feels pain, that doesn't make it okay. You tell the colt off and explain why it's wrong!" Shock filled Twilight's face. "No! You can't! You can't tell me-- I mean, her! It would make all of this pointless! I would feel guilty all over again. And then I'd have to put even more guilt into me!" Starlight shook her head. "No, she wouldn't do that, because I wouldn't let her. You don't have to let that fear control you. I'll keep you safe from Twilight and make sure sh--" "Don't do it!" "--e never hurts... what?" "Just let me stay here!" "But... but I can protect you! You must have the memory of my fight with Twilight. You know my magic is just as good as hers." Twilight nodded. "Yes, I do. I have a lot of her memories. And even if they are almost all bad ones, I still know how I felt in those situations. And my fears were hardly ever for me. They were for my friends. "I probably care just as much about those friends as if I was Princess Twilight. I would have gladly sacrificed myself to stop you in that fight. And, when I'm true to myself, I, the me standing here, would do the same." Looking at Starlight, Twilight asked, "Will you let me do that?" She lifted up the forehoof that Starlight had freed. "Will you fix this chain and let me make that sacrifice?" Starlight stared back at her. "You can't mean that." Twilight said simply, "I really do." Why was this happening? How could this attempt to do right have gone so horribly wrong? Starlight was no stranger to brainwashing, of course. Sure, there were no spells or propaganda machines here, but clearly this Twilight had been driven mad. Nopony would ever agree to this. So she was going to have to make the choice for Twilight. Whether she liked it or not. Nodding to herself, Starlight looked back at the construct and opened her mouth. But when their eyes locked, Starlight could not help but recognize the resolve inside of those violet, bloodshot eyes. To her horror, those eyes were not the dead, mindless eyes of her villagers, nor did the construct wear the vacant expression of somepony being mind controlled. She looked completely conscious and aware. She has justifications. She has motives. She thought this through... Reluctantly, Starlight allowed her mind to come to its uncomfortable conclusion. She made this decision on her own. If I force her to go... If I take her without her consent... No matter how Starlight tried to spin the narrative, it was undeniable that, from a plainly obvious angle, she would be capturing this Twilight, not liberating her. And keeping her against her will would, by definition, be imprisoning her. Once Starlight recognized that, she realized that she could not bring herself to do it. Finally defeated, Starlight felt her withers and spirits sink. Spike was right. When push comes to shove, I don't have what it takes to make the hard choice... Starlight walked toward Twilight and looked down at the chain she had broken. Her horn started to light up, but then dimmed again. She looked at Twilight until Twilight looked back. "Please," she begged. "Let me help you." "If you want to help me now, all you need to do is fix that link," she said, then added. "Besides, you've already done plenty to help me tonight." The unicorn could not stop herself from laughing at the lunacy of that statement. "Ha! Well, that's nice of you to say and all, but you're asking me to undo literally the only thing I did. When I walk out of this room, I'm going to be leaving you just like I found you." "No. That's not true." Twilight shook her head. "You've made this so much better, because now I know that I could have left. You finally gave me a choice!" And at that, for the first time, Starlight saw this Twilight smile. "I never realized how much I needed that." The construct looked down at her hooves. "It's different when you choose your chains." Starlight's gaze drifted to the chains, then back to Twilight's face. A hint of that smile was still there as she... admired?... her shackles. Starlight blinked and felt the wetness of tears on her muzzle. She sighed and shook her head and looked back at the broken link. Focusing on it, she closed her eyes and ignited her horn. When she opened them again, the chain was whole. "Thank you," she heard Twilight say. But she could not bring herself to again look upon that face. Turning, Starlight began to walk out of the room. Absentmindedly, she responded, "You're wel--" No. Taking in a deep breath, Starlight pushed herself to look back. Twilight was there. Mane still matted and snarled. Coat still coated in grease. She was unchanged. And her face now held a look of confusion. "This is not how your story ends," Starlight said, more against reality than toward Twilight. Looking concerned, Twilight recoiled. Starlight sniffed and shook her head sharply, throwing a few tears to either side of her. "I'm not going to free you. I don't agree with your decision, but I will let you make it. I'm not going to force you to do anything, do you understand me?" Her face relaxing slightly, Twilight nodded. Starlight gathered the spit in her mouth and swallowed. When she blinked, more tears spilled forth from her eyes, and after a moment she could taste one of them as it touched her tongue. "But, if you want, I can c-come back again. I'll... I'll come visit you." Taken aback, Twilight stared at the other unicorn. Her mouth rested open. Her eyes locked tightly onto Starlight's. Wiping at her face with a hoof, Starlight asked, "Is that okay?" Twilight blinked twice, then, "Okay." With a shuddering breath, Starlight mustered the strength to say, "A-a-alright. I'll s-see you soon... then." Finally leaving, Starlight faced toward the door and walked away. It was not a good solution. It was not even a satisfying one. The gesture was much smaller than what this Twilight deserved, but it was just all Starlight could think to give. As she walked out of the room, she used her magic to pick up the brown cloak and place it on her back. "Starlight?" Starlight heard the word, but it took her brain a moment to register its significance. Glancing back, she dared to look Twilight in the eye one more time. The pony's head was cocked to the side. Her right eyebrow was slightly higher than her left. "Why are you doing this?" Steeling herself, for the sake of the construct, Starlight forced her lips into something akin to a smile. "You seem like you could use a friend." Author's Note This was my first attempt at writing a darkfic. I hope you found it interesting. If you are wondering, I am open to writing a sequel about the relationship between Starlight and the construct. I don't think this story requires a sequel, but I have some ideas and think the concept could work. However, I haven't written anything, so it would not come out anywhere near as rapidly as this story. It would also, almost certainly, be even longer than this one. If you are interested in that, do let me know, and thank you for reading!
