“So, how long have they been at it?” asked Rainbow, snickering slightly.
“About an hour now,” laughed Sunset. “Honestly, this is probably the best case scenario. Given that they’re the same person, I’m just glad the universe hasn’t exploded yet.”
Sunset and Rainbow were sitting in Sunset’s living room, watching in amusement as the two resident nerds argued over what seemed like nothing. Rainbow Dash and the two Twilights had been invited to Sunset’s for a Halloween movie marathon and, while the Twilights managed to make it on time, Rainbow was running a bit late. When she arrived…
“You are being completely absurd!” said the Twilight from Crystal Prep (who Sunset and Rainbow had nicknamed “Sci-Twi”). “Your argument is based entirely in fantasy!”
“You’re the one who’s being absurd! This entire discussion is based in fantasy,” argued the other Twilight (this one dubbed “Sparky”). “Just admit that you have no idea what you’re talking about, and we can go back to our movie.”
“Even if I didn’t know what I was talking about, and that is very much so not the case, but even if I didn’t know what I was talking about, you would be just as ignorant as I am, if not more so!”
“What are you dorks even arguing about?” asked Rainbow, lounging on the couch lazily. The two dorks in question turned sharply, glaring angrily at Rainbow.
“We are arguing because her horror movie knowledge is nonexistent!” said the Twilights, simultaneously jabbing their thumbs at the other. Sunset couldn’t help but chuckle at the display.
“Alright, kids, play nice,” said Sunset. “I’m gonna go grab snacks from the kitchen. Any requests?”
“I’m almost out of Jolly Ranchers,” said Dash, popping one of the aforementioned candies into her mouth.
“I could go for some caramels,” said Sci-Twi. “And some horror movie history for the princess. You know, it shouldn't surprise me just how wrong you are. Do you even have film where you're from?”
“Eh… Not really,” said Sunset. “We have the technology, but not the industry. Books are good enough for most ponies, and we have plays for the rest.”
“And just because we don’t have movies in Equestria doesn’t mean I don’t know a thing or two about horror fiction,” said Sparky, quite matter-of-factly. “What we lack in film, we make up for a hundredfold in literature. Our horror novels make Stephen King look like Doctor Seuss.”
“She’s kinda right,” said Sunset. “Equestrian books are generally better because Equestrian writers are literally born to write.” She stood up from her seat, then stepped over the prone bodies of the Twilights and headed to the kitchen.
“No, seriously,” said Rainbow, turning herself upright. “What the actual hell are you two dweebazoids arguing about? I haven't seen two nerds go at it like this since Snips and Button fought over Batman versus Superman.”
“It started after our first two movies,” explained Sci-Twi.
“From Dusk Til Dawn and World War Z,” chimed Sparky.
“And I wondered, hypothetically, what would happen if a zombie were to bite a vampire.”
“That discussion went on for about twenty minutes, where we decided which form of zombie and vampire lore we'd follow,” continued Sparky. “And we settled on magic-based zombies over virus-infected zombies, and basically any vampires that aren't from those awful Stephenie Meyer books.”
“So zombie bites a vampire,” said Rainbow. “What happens?”
“Depends on the zombie and vampire,” said Sci-Twi. “It's common knowledge that vampires get stronger the older they are, so we used the median age of vampires.”
“Which is?”
The Twilights looked at Rainbow in confusion.
“Two hundred thirty-four years old,” said Sci-Twi, as if that was common knowledge.
“Obviously,” scoffed Sparky. “And I calculated his exact magical power using a simple formula, factoring in age, gender—”
“We assumed male,” cut in Sci-Twi.
“As well as time since last feeding. For the purposes of our discussion, we assumed our vampire had decent morals but an equally powerful sense of survival. This means he'd try to eat as often as possible without murdering people all willy-nilly. So we said he fed every three days, and calculated how strong he would be based on all of those factors.”
“How do you calculate something like that?” asked Rainbow curiously.
Again, the Twilights looked as if Rainbow had grown a second head.
“It's simple math,” scoffed Sci-Twi.
“Honestly, this is the sort of thing you learn in Magic Elementary School,” said Sparky with a shake of her head. “And, assuming the zombie apocalypse was caused by the average ancient relic and could only be stopped by destroying said relic, we concluded that the zombie bite would either turn the vampire…”
“Or cure him of his zombism and his vampirism, thus rendering him a normal human mortal,” finished Sci-Twi. Rainbow didn’t really understand anything before that, but she really didn’t get that logic.
“How the hell does that work?” she asked.
“When combining the formulae, it comes out to four point five e six magi-jewels over four point five e six magi-jewels,” explained Sparky. “Which equals one, a normal human. So average zombie magic and average vampire magic cancel each other out.”
“But, depending on the exact nature of the zombie spell, it might have some sort of contingency that overwrites preexisting magic,” finished Sci-Twi. “That said, the cancellation is far more probable, so that is the answer we settled on.”
“But you guys agree on that,” said Rainbow. “Where's the arguing?”
“Before you guys get into it again,” said Sunset, emerging from the kitchen suddenly. “I'm outta candy, so I'm gonna head out to get some more. Figured I'd go on a pizza run while I'm at it. Is plain cheese okay with you guys?”
“Yes,” said the Twilights in perfect tandem.
“Yeah, that's cool,” said Rainbow. “You need me to chip in?”
“Nah, I got it,” said Sunset.
“Good, cause I'm broke.”
“Then why did you…? Whatever. I’ll be back,” said Sunset. She grabbed her jacket from the couch, waved goodbye, then headed out. As soon as she was gone, the Twilights started right back up.
“You’re still incredibly wrong,” said Sci-Twi. “Not only are your ideas flawed, but you’re not even arguing them well.”
“I've never heard myself talk before, so I genuinely don't know,” said Sparky. “But am I really that full of myself?”
“Look, you two sound like kids right now,” said Rainbow Dash. “Like, ‘you’re a dummy, no you’re a dummy, well you have poopy hair’! So just tell me what you’re arguing over so I can tell one of you you’re right and we can go back to our movies.”
“Fine. Once we decided on the fate of our vampire, the princess said it didn’t matter,” said Sci-Twi.
“And the reason it doesn’t matter is because a vampire is stronger than a zombie, and would never get bitten by one in the first place,” finished Sparky.
“Which, as I’ve been trying to explain for the last hour or so, is completely incorrect.”
“Show me the evidence of any iteration of zombie fiction where your precious biters beat a vampire!”
“Spitters could dispatch a vampire from a distance,” argued Sci-Twi. “The Witch from Left 4 Dead can kill anything if given the chance. Bloaters, a la Last of Us, could easily rip a vampire in half and leave them to burn in the sun. And that’s not even going into Resident Evil lore! Between Las Plagas, El Gigante, and Nemesis, your buddy Dracula has no chance!:
“Pah! Let’s break that down, shall we?” scoffed the princess. “Vampires are tougher than humans, so they can survive most acids. Witches can only kill what they can catch, and she’d never catch a vamp. Bloaters are slow and dumb, and can’t even see in front of them! Las Plagas: weak and frail, relatively. El Gigante: if Leon can kill one, so can any vampire. And Nemesis…” The princess bit her tongue in thought. “Well, that’s kinda unfair, but I maintain that anything that’s been killed by a normal human can easily be killed by a vampire.”
“What about a Nazi zombie?” asked Rainbow. Both Twilights stared at her curiously. “You know, like from Call of Duty. Some of those guys can only be killed by magic weapons and sodas.”
The two Twilights shared a look with each other, glanced back at Rainbow, then returned to their debate as if Rainbow hadn’t spoken.
“Assuming we’re dealing with legitimate zombies and not filler from that fraud of a franchise, my zombies can easily keep up with your vampires.” Sci-Twi popped her last caramel in her mouth. “For the simple fact that all a zombie has to do is outwait them. Assuming this battle starts at a time favorable to you, say as soon as the sun sets. We’ll use today’s data, so 6:25 PM. Sunrise yesterday was 7:33 AM, let’s call that 7:35 just for the sake of having a nice, clean number. All a zombie would have to do is survive for 13 hours and 10 minutes. Don’t know if you know this, but zombies are made for surviving!”
“Ah, but you’re forgetting one thing! And because of your foolish assumption that, in my time here, I haven’t done any research on your form of entertainment, you’ve argued yourself into a corner!” Sparky stood up triumphantly, completely confident in her argument. “For the purposes of my argument, my vampire champion, the one who will smite your insignificant, worthless zombie…”
“She’s gonna say ‘Daywalker’,” Sci-Twi whispered to Rainbow.
“Is a Daywalker, hey, how did you know?!”
“Because I’m you in every way, except I’m correct,” said Sci-Twi. “And, if I was wrong like you are, I would have argued that same point. However, as Daywalkers are exceedingly rare, I don’t think it’s fair to factor that in. A scenario wherein a Daywalker meets up with a zombie are, and we’re looping back to earlier, entirely based in fantasy!”
“The entire idea of a zombie meeting up with a vampire in the first place is entirely based in fantasy!”
Suddenly, Sparky stood up straight, as if a current had run through her.
“At least, it would be…” Sparky grabbed her sweater, then headed for the door. “I’ll be back in five minutes. This is not a surrender, I do not concede defeat, you do not win by default.”
Before either Sci-Twi or Rainbow could ask what the heck she was talking about, the princess was out the door.
“What's wrong with Call of Duty?” asked Rainbow after a bit. “I love Black Ops 2 Zombies.”
“If you have to ask what's wrong with it,” sighed Sci-Twi. “There's no way I can explain it to you.”
Five minutes later…
Sci-Twi and Rainbow were just about to resume their movie when the door flew open, and in stepped the princess. She had a new backpack filled with something that clicked and clattered as she walked.
“What's in the bag?” asked Rainbow.
“The final piece of evidence to prove who is truly the strongest fictional creature,” said Sparky. She reached into her bag and pulled out two vials of golden liquid, tossing one to her counterpart. “Drink that, please, if you don't mind.”
“I don't make a habit of drinking random liquids from vials,” said Sci-Twi, popping the cork. She wafted the scent towards her nose; it smelled like blood, sweat, and Cheetos.
“It's a… vaccine, of sorts,” said Sparky, downing her own vial. “So the practical trials don't go on for too long.”
“What are you talking about?” asked Rainbow. “Practical trials? What does that mean?”
In place of a verbal answer, Sparky dug back into her backpack, returning with two glass mason jars. In one jar was a bat, throwing himself against the sides in a futile attempt to escape. In the other was a hunk of putrid, rotting, maggot-infested flesh, so rotten and smelly that, if one were to look closely, they could see the stink lines wafting off of it.
“Drink,” said Sparky. “It'll stop the transformation from becoming permanent.”
“Transformation? Wha…?”
“You think zombies are stronger. I say prove it. Eating that hunk of zombie flesh will turn you into a zombie until the battle is over.”
Sci-Twi gulped loudly, clutching the vial tightly. This was an insane decision to make, and doing anything but politely refusing and then running for her life would be categorized as stupid.
But she was right, so there was nothing to fear. Right?
“Fine,” said Sci-Twi. She popped the vial and took a swig, gagging almost immediately. “Bleck! It tastes like how burning rubber smells!”
“But it'll turn us back to normal in 24 hours, so there's that,” said Sparky. She offered the rotten flesh jar to her counterpart, who carefully took it in her hands.
“This is freaking nuts,” said Rainbow, shaking her head in disappointment. Then, she grinned. “Don't start the fight yet, I’m gonna grab a soda out of the fridge.” She got up from the couch and scurried into the kitchen.
“I have to eat all of it?” asked Sci-Twi.
“Most of it, at least. Try to get down as much as you can,” said Sparky with a nod. Sci-Twi shakily turned the lid, twisting the top of the mason jar off as slowly as she could. She knocked the lid off and immediately regretted it. A foul stench emanated from the stiff, dead flesh, filling the room with the scent of death. Sci-Twi gagged on just the odor, so vile that she wondered how she'd be able to eat any of it, let alone the whole chunk.
She tapped the meat into her palm, shivering in disgust at the texture. It was so wet and cold, like raw beef. She brought the slimy hunk of dead flesh closer to her nose in an attempt to get used to the smell. That attempt backfired, doing little more than make Sci-Twi gag. Deciding that there was no point in procrastination, Sci-Twi quickly brought the hunk of meat to her mouth and sank her teeth into for a big, chomping bite.
Sour. Sour, like a hundred lemons that went past their prime. Then, beneath it, was the taste of something like beef. Veal, she remembered. Shining Armor cooked veal sometimes, and it tasted quite a bit like that, except far more vile. Sci-Twi tried to chew, her teeth barely working through the slimy, rubbery, tough flesh. She shuddered as she swallowed, quivering in disgust.
“Here,” said Sparky, handing her a bottle from her backpack. “Thousand island makes everything delicious.”
Sci-Twi took the bottle and doused the flesh with dressing until she could see no more meat beneath the sauce, the thick, orange liquid coating her fingers and dripping onto Sunset’s floor. Quickly, she ripped hunk after hunk, shred after shred of stinking, rotten, putrid meat, swallowing each bite with an ever-growing blend of disgust and regret. Finally, after several minutes of near-painful chewing, Sci-Twi had consumed the entire hunk of flesh. Her stomach burned and churned, gurgling and bubbling uncomfortably.
“Why did I do that?” she asked herself. Sparky smirked, then went about unscrewing her own jar.
“The same reason I’m doing it. To be proven right,” said Sparky. She popped off the top and quickly grabbed the bat, holding onto it tightly so it couldn’t squirm free.
“Ah, did Sci-Twi eat the meat already?” groaned Rainbow, sliding into the room with three cans of soda in her hands. “Damn, I wanted to see that!”
“But now you get to see the princess get bitten,” said Sci-Twi. “So you won’t be leaving without a show.”
“Oh, no. I don’t let this thing bite me, it won’t work with my alicorn blood. I need to do something a bit more drastic.” Before anyone could ask what that meant, Sparky opened her mouth wide, placed the bat’s head between her teeth, and bit down as hard as she could.
“Holy shit!” Rainbow shouted, completely off-guard. “That’s freaking metal! Rad as hell! Bow down to Princess Osbourne!”
Sparky couldn’t respond on account of the decapitated bat head in her mouth, which her body refused to let her spit out. She just froze. She had to physically reach up and pull the head out of her mouth with her hand. When her mouth was clear, she brought the rest of the bat to her lips, drinking the blood as if from a water bottle.
“There,” coughed Sparky, red staining her lips and teeth. “Now, we just have to wait for the magic to kick in.”
“Where did you get this stuff, anyway?” asked Rainbow.
“Zombie flesh and vampire bats are potion ingredients that I was able to find in the royal apothecary,” explained the princess. “They’re a bit on the rare side, so they’re not exactly cheap. Still, I’ll probably be able to write it off as a business expense if I can get Celestia to finagle our tax law just right.”
“So, how long does it take to kick in?” asked Sci-Twi.
“From what I've read, about as long as it takes for me to start explaining and then get cut off by the transform—”
A blinding white light filled the room, followed by the anguished screams of two teenaged girls. The light darkened, shifting from stark white to a dark, deep, sinister crimson. The temperature of the room hiked up swiftly, until it was almost unbearable. Then, just as suddenly as it began, it ended, and the two teens had changed considerably.
Sparky’s skin was pale as a sheet, clammy and dead. Her eyes had changed from their usual violet to a sharp, piercing yellow. Her nails grew to sharp, almost cat-like claws, and long, sharp fangs extended from her mouth. She licked the blood from her fangs, happy to say that the taste had greatly improved.
Sci-Twi, on the other hand, had changed in a different way. Rather than paling, she darkened into an ugly, muddy greyish-green. Some of her skin was peeling off to reveal the dead or dying flesh beneath, particularly near her mouth and arm. Her left arm was so decomposed that it was only held on by a few thin strands of skin and sinew.
“Well, that wasn’t quite as bad as the books said,” said Sparky the Vampire. “It was actually quite interesting.”
“BRAAAAINS!!!” groaned Sci-Twi the Zombie.
“Uh… Is that… normal?” asked Rainbow, popping open her soda.
“It’ll take a bit for her to regain her speech,” said VampLight. “But, when she does, we’ll be able to… start our… fight…”
“You okay?”
“You’re B Positive,” said VampLight, sniffing the air deeply. Rainbow looked confused. “Your blood type. B Positive. I love B Positive. Or the bat I got my vampirism from did, anyway.”
“BRAAINS!” moaned ZomLight.
“What’s your point?” asked Rainbow.
“I’m hungry… Let me bite you, please?” requested VampLight.
“Hell no!”
“Please?”
“No!” Rainbow seemed firm on that point.
“If you don’t willingly give me some blood,” hissed VampLight. “I’ll just have to take it!”
She leapt forward at Rainbow, who easily sidestepped out of the way and allowing VampLight to smash her face directly into the couch. While she was stunned, Rainbow ran into the kitchen and returned quickly with a cup of water.
“What are you gonna do with that, mortal?” hissed VampLight, rubbing her nose gingerly. Rainbow touched her forehead, then the center of her torso, then either side of her chest.
“The father, the son, and the holy ghost, amen,” muttered Rainbow. Then, she threw the water in VampLight’s face. Her skin began to hiss and steam slightly, and the room began to smell like burning garbage.
“Ow! Owowowowow!” snarled VampLight. “That hurts!”
“Holy water, kiddo,” said Rainbow. She took a sip of what remained of the water. “Don’t mess with me, got it?”
“Brains…”
“Alright, now you’re just playing around,” said VampLight with a roll of the eyes. She shook off as much water as possible, most of it steaming off as she moved. “You can talk by now, I know it.”
“Well, I’m sorry,” said ZomLight, suddenly speaking perfectly (albeit at a slightly lower pitch). “It’s quite a bit of fun.”
“I didn’t break the laws of magical ethics so you can have a bit of fun,” murmured VampLight. “I did it so we can solve, once and for all, which biter reigns supreme!” Her gaze turned from her supposed opponent and back to Rainbow. “We should get started. Preferably after a snack?”
“No,” said Rainbow flatly.
“Blood is overrated,” said ZomLight. “If you really want some good eats, you gotta go for the braaaains!” She extended her arms in front of her and slowly lurched forward, towards Rainbow.
Rainbow grabbed the zombie’s left arm and tugged it free easily. Now armed (literally) with a new weapon, Rainbow smacked her friend twice with her own limb, beating her back a few feet before tossing it back at her.
“Knock it off,” said Rainbow flatly.
“Ow…” ZomLight rubbed the top of her head gingerly with her severed arm. “That hurt!” She put her arm in her mouth,reached down for her shoes with her unsevered limb. She undid her laces and ripped it from her shoes, using the lace to secure her dismembered limb. “There, good as new.”
“You know…” said VampLight. “Funny thing about the magic involved in this transformation. It retains the base instincts of the creatures we've become. That means I think and act just like a real vampire would. Which means that I don't take ‘no’ for an answer. I'm getting that blood, Rainbow, and there's nothing you can do to stop me.”
“And I want your braaaains!” moaned ZomLight. “If you won't give it, we'll just have to take it…”
“Ugh. Let's just get this over with,” grumbled Rainbow.
VampLight waved flourished her hand downwards, vanishing from sight. At about the same time, ZomLight slowly began lurching forward. It was something out of a horror fan's worst nightmares; to her back, a sinister, cunning hunter able to change form, survive most any blow, and disappear entirely. To her front, an unrelenting, unfeeling, unloving creature with but one thought, one desire, one drive: Feed.
Rainbow strafed around the zombie, then kicked it in the back of the knee. With a sickening, yet oddly satisfying crack!, ZomLight’s leg snapped clean in two.
“Ow!” ZomLight yelped, then collapsed under her own weight.
“Stay down!” ordered Rainbow. “Now, where are you, Mrs. Cullen?” She checked her holy water cup, unsurprised to find it empty. Sadly, she didn't have any wooden stakes on her, and the sun had long since set. She had no weapons on her, so she'd need to think quickly to find a way to defend herself.
“Time is running out…” whispered the slithery, slimy voice of the invisible vampire. “I can almost taste that sweet, buttery B Pos. Sweet… nauseating… Oh dear lord, I think I'm gonna be sick…”
The air directly in front of Rainbow shimmered and shook before taking shape of her vampire friend. She swayed drunkenly for a bit before falling down onto her butt.
“What happened to you?” asked Rainbow.
“Blech! Your breath!” gagged VampLight. “It reeks! What did you eat today?!”
“Uh… shrimp scampi and like a whole loaf of garlic bread,” said Rainbow nonchalantly. Then, she pieced everything together, and a sinister grin spread across her face. “What's the matter, kiddo?” She exhaled dramatically, sending a noxious cloud of garlic breath gas in VampLight’s face. “Don't like the smell of garlic?”
“No! Stop, I'm gonna be sick!”
“Start your fight and I'll pop a Tic-Tac. Deal?”
“Ugh. Fine, fine!” VampLight clutched her stomach, stumbling away slightly. “I'm not even hungry anymore. You ready to go, Twilight?”
“Just… one second… there!” ZomLight finished tying her leg back in place with her sweater. After leaning on it to test its sturdiness, she gave a thumbs up. “Let's get this started, shall we?”
And so, the battle was set. Twilight vs Twilight. Biter vs Biter. Vampire vs Zombie. Two formidable beasts of fiction, two of the most feared beings in all of horror mythos going head to head to prove, once and for all, who was stronger.
“Ready?” said Rainbow, popping a handful of mints in her mouth. “Set?”
The two Twilights nodded, staring each other down. Rainbow shook her head in mock disapproval.
“This is frigging crazy,” she said. “Fight!”
Some time later
Sunset Shimmer stepped out of her car, balancing the pizza and candy she had bought in one hand, using the other the grab her keys and lock the car. Her snack run had taken a bit longer than she had hoped, but, thankfully, the night was still young. There was still plenty of time for scary movies with her friends.
Sunset cautiously balanced her cargo as she crossed her driveway to her front door. As she fiddled with her house keys, she thought she smelled something rotten. That couldn't be right. She had just cleaned out her fridge the day before, and the groceries in her fridge currently were all fresh. Even if they had gone rancid, that wouldn't account for the pungency of this smell.
She carried her snacks through the hall and towards the living room, inching closer to the vile odor. Beneath it, she smelled something else. Something metallic.
“Sorry I took so long,” said Sunset. “They botched my order and…” She trailed off as she stepped into the living room proper and saw the mayhem that had taken place.
Just about every surface in the room, from the couch to the walls to the TV, was coated in a layer of blood. So much blood that Sunset could taste the metal. She dropped the pizza when she saw the state of her friends.
Rainbow Dash sat in the middle of the floor, covered from head to toe in blood. To her side was the decapitated head of Sci-Twi, with one of her eyes hanging out of its socket.
“Yea, this went from zero to a hundred real quick,” said Rainbow, wiping the blood from her eyes. “Sorry for the mess, Sunny.”
“What the fuck?!” Sunset could hardly stand up straight. “What happened?! What happened to Sci-Twi?!” She gulped audibly. “Where's Sparky?”
Silently, Rainbow pointed up to the ceiling. Sunset slowly looked up, her heart falling into her gut. Pinned to the ceiling via various knives, spikes, and stakes, was Sparky’s mangled, gnarled, ruined body.
“I… wha… Oh dear god…” Sunset crumpled under her own weight, falling unconscious in a puddle of blood.
“She took that well,” said Rainbow.
“Relatively,” agreed Sparky.
“Could have gone worse,” said Sci-Twi. She looked confused for a second, then made sense of it. “I just tried to nod, but I don't have a neck.”
“So, battle of the biters,” said Rainbow, looking from the crucified vampire above her to the decapitated zombie to her left. “What's the score?”
The Twilights looked at each other as if having a conversation entirely in their heads.
“Wanna call this one a draw?” asked Sci-Twi’s head.
“Sounds good to me,” said Sparky, giving an affirmative thumbs up.
“I need a drink,” sighed Rainbow. She got up and headed for the kitchen, leaving the Twilights in their ruined, dilapidated states.
“So…” said Sparky. “What's the next movie?”
Author's Note
Happy Halloween!