Military Wishful Thinking

by Scratchpad

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 5364

When Twilight was younger, she would sometimes be privately tutored when Celestia was occupied. Once a professor attempted to teach Twilight Military Strategy. It didn't go well.

When Twilight was younger, she would sometimes be privately tutored when Celestia was occupied. Once a professor attempted to teach Twilight Military Strategy. It didn't go well.

-Made it into the Feature box for a few short days in November 2016. Thanks all!-

Published 2016-11-03 03:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-01-16 04:58:53 UTC

Imminent Strategic Withdrawal

“No, no, no, Miss Sparkle. You may not discover an ancient relic of phenomenal power underneath the fortress, you may not have giant eagles swoop out of the sky to rescue your troops or destroy your enemies, and you most definitely may not miraculously find an enemy soldier willing to turn traitor that just so happens to possess some hidden power that converts virtually all of your enemies into allies!”

He panted slowly, allowing his fit of pique to wind down. Resuming a calmer, but not really calm, manner, he turned back to the chalkboard.

“I cannot stress this any more strongly. This is military strategy, not 'military wishful thinking'. Now, you may have some misfiring neuron in your cute little head that is convinced that Celestia Ex Machina events happen on a daily basis, but I am here, in no uncertain terms, to quash that errant thought flatter than a... a, well, than a really, really flat thing!”

Twilight raised a hoof.

“Yes, Miss Sparkle?”

“I think the word you were searching for was ‘pancake’.” She paused for a moment and brought a hoof to her her chin. “Or perhaps a Prench crepe- they’re even thinner than a pancake.”

“Enough!” bellowed the bespectacled instructor as he rounded on the filly once again.

“Yes, Professor Brace Girdle. You’ve taken the word right out of my mouth. I think enough is enough. We’ve talked about your little temper problem and the yelling at students before, haven’t we?”

If the white on his already white body could have gone any paler, it would have. As it was, the color drained from his cheeks and he suddenly looked quite timid.

“Your Majesty!” He forcefully squeaked and ducked into a deep though sloppy bow.

The look on Twilight’s face couldn’t have been more a study in contrasts. Worried turned to elated and pensive turned into joyous as the little filly bounded from her seat to greet her Princess, the bestest, most wonderful teacher in all the wide, wide, world of Equestria. “Princess!” she cried.

“Hello, my faithful student.” She nuzzled the little, purple filly and Brace Girdle’s heart dropped somewhere just past his stomach as he witnessed the astonishing familiarity between his liege and what he was certain was his, soon-to-be-former, student.

“Now, what were you and the professor discussing that raised such a terrible fuss?” That she asked this of the student and not the teacher merely pounded another proverbial nail into his overwrought heart.

“The professor was teaching me about strategy, in particular what he called a Kobayashi Maru scenario.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow and glanced at the professor. “Star Trot, really Professor?”

He had the good graces to look embarrassed. “It’s a legitimate topic for any graduate of your school. After all, any graduate will have an equivalent rank to Captain and that means she may one day be in command of ponies. You can never start training for command too young, in my opinion...” he hedged after he saw the skeptical look on the princesses’ face.

“Yes, in your opinion. And you’re wrong about her graduating at the equivalent of a Captain in the Royal Equestrian Armed Forces. While normally you would be right, she is likely to rate a merit based promotion to Major at the very least. I would not be surprised if she finished a Lieutenant Colonel by the time she’s done.”

Brace Girdle had only ever risen to 2nd lieutenant and the high hopes Princess Celestia had for the purple unicorn were shocking enough that he swallowed very hard.

“So, a no-win scenario? Do elaborate on this exercise. It has been some time since I last lead ponies into battle, but win or lose, it is an experience I would never forget. Perhaps, once you have explained all the particulars you can then evaluate my response as well as Twilight's. A comparison, if you will.

“Bu-But, your Highness, that wouldn’t be fair at all, you’ve hundreds if not thousands of years of experience upon which to draw. No mortal pony could hope to outwit one such as yourself.”

“Proceed, Professor.”

“But...”

“See the crown, see the golden peytral and similarly golden horseshoes? I trust I won’t need to say it again.”

Brace Girdle bowed obsequiously. “Of course not, your Highness.”

He cleared his throat. “Imagine you are the commander of a garrison force in a fortified position surrounded by enemies at all four sides. Their forces outnumber yours by at least 2 to 1. In a direct confrontation, your troops would be destroyed. You have been holed up in the fort for several weeks and supplies are beginning to run low. Your enemy has begun to assemble balistas and catapults to assault the fortress and according to the best intelligence, the enemy siege weapons will be completed in the next 2 days. You have mostly earth pony infantry, a few Pegasus scouts and no unicorn mages to speak of. What do you do?

Celestia looked serene as she began to rapidly write down her answer. She commented almost offhandedly to her student, “Find me how we win this, Twilight. I don’t believe in a no-win scenario, and neither should you.”

“Princess, please!” the professor moaned. “Don’t encourage her.”

Twilight raised a hoof.

“Yes, Miss Sparkle?”

“This is essentially a fort surrounded by enemies, right?”

“Yes...” he answered warily.

“So, no mages means no unicorn magic, but we’ve got at least a handful of pegasi, and probably catapults of our own?

“Yes.”

“Explosives, too?”

“Yes, but not enough to make up the difference in the size of your forces.”

“That works.” Twilight began to write so quickly the quill began to smoke and she had to occasionally blow on the nib so as not to let it combust.

Finally, both student and immortal teacher put down their quills and Brace Girdle felt his ulcer begin to act up. He just knew he should have eaten a cupcake at lunch; new-fangled paleo pony diets be damned. Food always helped his ulcer and he certainly wouldn’t have minded a little extra sugar in his bloodstream to deal with this.

“All right, Miss Sparkle, let’s start with you.”

“So long as they have the means to assault my position, I have no chance to enact my breakout plan. This means, that barring outside assistance, I must somehow destroy their siege weapons thoroughly enough that I would have the weeks necessary to enact my escape plan.”

Brace Girdle smiled smugly for a moment before he spotted the smug look on Celestia’s face. He coughed to clear his throat. “Please continue.”

"The enemy is obviously too far away for arrows or catapult shots to do much damage. So naturally, if they won’t come to us, we must go to them. A light barrage designed to create a smoke cloud to hide us from their sight, a shaped charge to blow a hole in the wall large enough for a company of fast earth pony cavalry to run through a lightly defended area in complete surprise, use of satchel charges to destroy the siege weapons, while the enemy is confused, a sally from the gate to clear it of enemies in preparation for the return of the cavalry, and engineer ponies working to block the hole in the wall so the enemy can’t reach us." She displayed an astonishingly complete diagram on her parchment for Brace Girdle and Princess to see.

"Assuming complete destruction of the enemy siege weapons, that would give us up to two weeks to complete my plan for a breakout."

Brace Girdle’s left eye was twitching. It was insane. Blowing a hole through your own fortifications? Sheer madness! He was just about to tell her exactly that when he heard clapping coming from Princess Celestia.

“Bravo, my faithful student. A little unorthodox, but depending on how it was handled, I could very easily see it being highly effective.”

“A little, your highness? I’ve never heard of such a cockatrice and minotaur story,” Brace Girdle groused.

“Language, Professor. Precocious, she may be, but she’s still quite young. In any case, I know for a fact that the strategy is sound. Master Moosashi and I enacted a plan almost identical to Twilight’s during the battle of a Mare-A-Thong nearly a thousand years ago.”

“Mare-A-Thong? But no records exist of that battle. Most scholars believe it to merely be a myth.”

Oh, it happened, Professor. Believe me when I tell that because I was there. The Battle of Mare-A-Thong is no more a myth than you are a moth. The situation was nearly identical to your description. I had been incapacitated, the how is not relevant to our discussion, but Moosashi’s plan gave me enough time to regain my strength and once I was strong enough, well, I am quite the force multiplier when I put my mind to it.”

“What did you end up doing?” Twilight asked, a little in awe.

“Well, keep in mind that I am the Princess of the Sun and... I will leave the rest to your imagination. Suffice it to say, we survived and the peace that came from that incident lead to a treaty that is still in force today.”

Brace Girdle was looking at his princess like she had just told him that the Tooth Flutterpony was real and that she had tea with it every alternate Thursday.

Celestia just smiled. “What can I say? I’m quite persuasive when I wish to be and there is a certain ‘magic’ to friendship that can make even the most bitter of enemies into friends. That is, if all the necessary elements are there and, of course, you need a spark to really get it going.” She leaned over and rustled Twilight’s mane with a hoof. “Isn’t that right, Sparky?”

Twilight smiled broadly. It was obvious that this was some little in-joke between the two of them. “That’s right, Boss Mare!”

Brace Girdle's jaw nearly dropped when Twilight Sparkle dared to speak in such a way to the Princess. No lighting struck her down and no guards appeared to cart her away, so he finally shrugged. “So, that’s truly all you wish to say on the matter?”

“Well, I suppose I can tell you that for a few decades after the treaty was signed, those who had been in the battle referred to it as the, “Argh, Argh, It Burns!” Treaty.

“Noted.” Brace Girdle practically whimpered.

Celestia looked at her student, a proud gleam in her eye. “Twilight, I'm curious. What was your final breakout strategy? I’m certain it won’t be the same as mine, at least not substantially so.”

The glee of imagined mayhem was shining in her eyes. “Forging razor disc blades to be unleashed into one large or perhaps two smaller tornadoes created by the handful of pegasi under my command. Running a spinning tornado of sharp death through our enemies should be enough to whittle down the opposing force to help even the odds against them, but more likely it would give us a decided advantage. In either case, we would probably be in a much better position to negotiate, finally they may even retreat en masse.

Celestia practically beamed. “Negotiation need not be first, but should always be an early option. I’m very pleased you even considered it. It may not always succeed but dismissing the option limits your possible responses. Keeping an open mind maintains your flexibility and like flowing river that travels around obstacles, a flexible mind can overcome almost any problem.”

Twilight looked up from her parchment to see Professor Brace Girdle had disappeared. A pure white flag remained where he once stood.

“I don’t understand. Where did the professor go? And why did he leave behind a white flag?”

Celestia levitated the flag towards them with her golden magic. She eyed it intently. “It’s a symbol of surrender or of the desire to begin negotiations, if I recall correctly. My opponents over the ages have used flags similar to this in order to beg for mercy. I haven’t ever had need of one myself, but I understand the general idea.” She admired the quality of the material.

Twilight looked thoughtful for a moment. “So, he just gave up and ran away?” She pointed at the flag. “And this is how he’s chosen to let us know?”

Celestia shrugged. “That would be the long and short of it; though, I believe they call it a strategic withdrawal.”

Confused, Twilight asked, “Who calls it that?”

Smiling, Celestia replied, “Why, the the military strategists when confronted by ‘Military Wishful Thinking’.” She tsk-tsk’d before continuing. “You’d think he would have had better contingency planning in case his boss’s, boss’s, boss’s, boss’s boss showed up.”

"As Mister Brace Girdle is no longer here, what do you say to cutting class short and going for some ice cream?"

“Ice cream!” Twilight said in a cheer, her forehooves raised above her head.

“I anticipated you would react in just that way.” Celestia said warmly.

Twilight rushed from the room, but the princess took a more sedate pace, long enough for the little purple filly to reach the middle of the hallway. “Hurry up, Princess! Ice cream!” She cheered.

“Coming!” Celestia called back just as she was passing the desk at the front of the room. "Just one more little thing I have to do..."

-SHOVE-

She channeled just enough force to embed the desk into the wall. It wouldn’t be leaving that spot until much, much later. Speaking softly, yet clearly enough for somepony standing close by to hear. “Your aforementioned anger issues and yelling at students do not speak well of you, and neither does your blatant cowardice upon suddenly being confronted by your Princess. That you should be so woefully foolish to yell at my personal student, to deride her, to demean her, to attempt to stamp out the spark of creativity within her, makes it clear to me that there is no place for you here at my school. I wanted you to consider my words carefully.” She paused for a moment as if to let what she’d said sink in. “You should have several hours to ponder them before the the janitor comes to free you from your desk. Some free advice from one teacher to another, If teaching students is not for you, consider administrative work or even something completely different.” Another pause. “However, it will not be here. You can consider your employment terminated. Your severance will be a generous one. Have your things and yourself removed from my school by the end of the school day tomorrow. Professor Square Peg will be taking over your classes starting tomorrow. Good day, Mr. Brace Girdle.”

“Princess?” came a concerned voice from the hallway.

“Coming!” called back Celestia. She galloped off to spend time with her student.

A bright red liquid oozed out from under the crumpled desk.

%%%%%%%%%

Hours later

%%%%%%%%%

“What did you do to my floor!?” groaned the janitor with a crowbar.

“Sorry, sorry, marking ink bottle broke, red ink all over everything.” Brace Girdle explained. “Mostly all over me,” he grumbled.

The janitor leaned close to the former professor. He sniffed twice- loudly. “That ain’t ink. That’s blood.” He said matter-of-factly.

Brace Girdle’s eyes went wide as saucers for a moment and then he toppled over in a dead faint.

The janitor took note of his calm steady breathing. “Aunt Celestia wasn’t kidding, I’ve seen braver mice.” She trotted over to the doorway where another, identical stallion stood with a slight grin on his face.

“All done, Princess?” the old stallion asked.

“Yes. Thank you so much for your help, Mister Booth Bee.” She used her magic to cancel the illusion and returned to her normal pink self.

“Was my pleasure. None of us liked how he treated the students. Especially a nice little filly like young Miss Twilight.”

“My sentiments exactly,” she said as her horn glowed. The ink upon the floor gathered into a ball and hardened into a bright red marble. The floor was spotless. “My way of saying thank you for letting me have my fun.”

“Anytime, Princess.” He smiled broadly, a rare sight, indeed. “Anytime at all.”

End

Author's Note

Credit where credit is due. References to Star Trek, The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, My Little Pony (of course), and probably many other works. This is still pretty raw, but I wanted to have something up for Halloween.

I tried for a twist, but I'm fairly sure such things are beyond me. I hope you get some enjoyment out of this story.

2nd chapter added to explain some things. All elements in non-canon back story from my blog post have bee tied into the story proper.

Ill-Fitting Punishment

-The Day Before-

“We demand he be punished!”

“You demand?” Celestia asked with a confused tilt of her head. Her posture straightened and her gaze became more focused. “By what right do you demand anything of The Royal Court of Canterlot?”

Flinching almost imperceptibly, Lord High Brow breathed deep, a wheeze now evident from too much bubble piping, and steeled himself for his moment to shine. Lord Hay Tow smirked beside him; his posture portrayed a confidence that no rational pony should ever have when making demands of the court.

“As is our right by virtue of the agreement between the Unicorn Kingdom and Canterlot made on the fields that ran red with the blood of our ancestors.”

Hay Tow piped up, “An agreement is an agreement, your majesty. You agreed to give us the right to punish those below us for damage to our honor. He has not only insulted our families beyond forbearance, but he has dared to lay hands upon our heirs. This heinous crime cannot go unpunished!”

Celestia sighed, allowing the air to pass through her nostrils in an attempt to control her pique. “Yes, there was such an agreement between the Canterlot Court and Unicornia, but it has never been invoked.”

Hay Tow bowed mockingly. “The fact that no lord of old Unicornia has ever invoked the law does not imply abrogation of it. We have the support of the Great Houses behind us.” His smile was oily and his eyes were alight with the glow of victory. “Your Highness” he added almost as an afterthought.

Celestia looked down from her dais and regarded the two little unicorn ponies before her. High Brow had always been a follower and Hay Tow had always been overconfident to a fault. She’d hoped that High Brow’s marriage to Lady Iris would have straightened him out, but he was still following along on Hay Tow’s coat-tails.

“The Royal Court of Canterlot ALWAYS keeps its agreements. To imply otherwise is slander against the Court and slandering the Court is Treason.” She paused to let her weighty word sink in.

“No pony has ever been accused of treason as far back as anyone can remember!” Lord High Brow exclaimed. “Of course, we would never think of committing treason, your Royal Highness.” He bowed sincerely.

“I never said you did, Lord High Brow. I merely wished to remind you and Lord Hay Tow to have care in wording your requests of the Court... lest they be misinterpreted.” She looked squarely at Hay Tow, whose smirk had faded somewhat, but he still seemed far more smug than she should be.

“I will keep your words in a small corner of my heart, Princess. And while we’re on the subject of reminders, I should like to remind you that it is not a request. We demand satisfaction for this injustice against our families. Isn’t that right, Lord High Brow?”

High Brow visibly squirmed as he realized he was caught in a power struggle between the two. “Y-yes,” he stammered out before a nudge from Hay Tow caused him to stiffen his stance.

Celestia looked to her side and spotted Raven with her ever present parchment and quill. Raven closed her eyes and gave a minuscule nod of her head. It was true then. Most or all of the Great Houses were backing Hay Tow’s push, either willingly or through coercion. Which meant that she couldn’t just diffuse the situation. Hay Tow would push and push until he got what he wanted and with the backing of the Great Houses, he could cause enough trouble that Chaos might erupt in the capital. A shiver ran down the Alicorn’s back as her thoughts flowed to the inevitable conclusion. Enough Chaos and Discord might find a way to escape. Nearly nothing was worth risking Discord’s return. She resolved to allow this barbarism from ages past to continue, but it would be on her terms as long the two Lords cooperated.

“If that is what you, the offended parties, wish, then by the authority of the Royal Court of Canterlot, I Celestia Aeternae Lux will pass judgment on Professor Brace Girdle.”

Hay Tows smirk cropped up again and before Celestia had time to wonder at it; her hastily conceived plan fell apart.

“Begging your pardon, your Majesty,” Lord High Brow said. “But we demand he be punished according to the Old Laws.”

“Carp baskets...” Celestia hissed under her breath. She’d thought to find a way to make it so he got a slap on the wrist so long as they didn’t say exactly that in open court.

“The Old Laws?” she hedged with masterful poise and control. “The Old Laws haven’t been invoked in generations.”

Hay Tow’s smirk had disappeared and his face was a remarkably serious. “Nevertheless, Lord High Brow and I are in agreement. We want Brace Girdle punished in accordance with the Old Laws.”

A fiery radiance erupted from Celestia.“You want humiliation and torture to the death through crushing for an insult to your honor!?” She asked very slowly, her voice slightly raised.

“Yes.” They both said with a nod each.

“And I take it neither of you will be swayed from this course even if I were to point out that this punishment has till now only ever been applied to instances of line theft?”

“No, your Highness. All we wish is what is due to us by right.”

Celestia closed her eyes for a moment, not something she did lightly in front of the nobility. When she opened them again she let her sight fall upon the bound form of Professor Brace Girdle who was being held fast by two guard ponies that probably worked for Lord Hay Tow. He looked miserable but resigned.

He’d had his problems in the past. His temperament was not well suited for teaching and his skepticism was at unhealthy levels. He had a passion for past battles and military strategy, but he preferred to cherry pick, highlighting those that fit his theories and disregarding ones that did not. He had been cautioned to change his ways several times and warned not to do the head slaps he was so fond of from his days in the Equestrian Armed Forces, but it appeared this time, he let his temper get the best of him once too often.

Steeling herself to order her subject’s death, she caught sight of Twilight entering the Throne Room. She didn’t want her student to see... wait. Black spots? Twilight had obviously gotten into Celestia’s writing supplies. She had black spots all over her. Some sort of mishap with an inkwell, she guessed? Then Cadance swooped up behind Twilight and telekinetically carted her off, presumably to take a bath.

All emotion was wiped from Celestia’s face as an idea struck her. A terrible, wonderful, horrible idea.

Resuming her imperious bearing, she proclaimed, “In accordance with the Old Laws, I must sentence 2nd Lieutenant Brace Girdle to public humiliation for his crimes. He must then be crushed for a span of time not less than four hours. If this does not render him dead, he must then be executed. That is, unless you might allow me to modify this sentence slightly to make his end even crueler?”

“What would you suggest, your Highness?” Asked High Brow, who was evidently breaking the carefully prepared script Hay Tow had devised. But Lord Hay Tow couldn’t do anything to stop his fellow lord.

“In the spirit of the law, I suggest that in the morning, we bring Brace Girdle to his place of work, allow him to go through his teaching routine, humiliate him in front of his class, and then, in place of crushing with a millstone, fling his very own coveted hard wood desk at him. After four hours or more, so much crimson liquid will have leaked from underneath the crumpled desk that magic will be necessary to clean up the blood red stain that forms. I guarantee that I will fling the desk at him with such force that there will be no further need to execute him at the end.

“You, your Highness?” exclaimed both lords, the very idea of Celestia KILLING leaving them in equal shock.

“I take my obligations very seriously, Lord High Brow, Lord Hay Tow. For a task of such importance I would trust none but myself to carry it out.”

“We wouldn’t dream of forcing you to dirty your own hooves on such a menial task, would we, Hay Tow?”

Hay Tow was unmoving as if trying to take in the sudden change to his plan. He had thought to force Celestia into an unwinnable situation. If she refused to follow through with her ages old obligation, the nobility could claim breach and large swatches of land including the fertile land East of Mt. Canter might be reclaimed. If she should agree to their unreasonable demands then they could use the first execution in living memory to paint her as a tyrant and despot and conveniently maneuver themselves to pick up the power she would be forced to relinquish. A win in either scenario. Her offer sounded good, but something didn’t sit right about it with him. Better to delay and consider all the options before agreeing to any-”

“I like it!” High Brow stomped a hoof as he said it, oblivious to his partner’s silence in his own enthusiasm. “It has a certain ironic justice to it. I think I speak for myself and Lord Hay Tow when I say your consideration for our injury and your swift redress is most gracious. And might I say, you’re Highness, you are magnificent in your ruthlessness.”

Hay Tow was frozen in apoplectic rage. What was this fool doing? He was agreeing to the Princess’ suggestion, without input from the plan’s mastermind? He looked at High Brow and he prepared to... wait- was he smitten?” It suddenly occurred to Hay Tow that not including High Brow in on the true scheme might have been a bad idea.

The Princess of the Sun smiled and accepted the praise graciously. “The Crown thanks you for your kind words and would like to request a small consideration?”

“Name it!” High Brow said with gusto.

”-And we’ll discuss it.” added Hay Tow.

High Brow, the senior lord in the room looked askance at Hay Tow but said no more.

Celestia in an almost unheard of breach of Court decorum stood and began to descend the stairs toward the astonished nobles. Standing closer than was really polite, she addressed Lord High Brow directly. “Society has changed somewhat since the last time I took sword in hoof and took somepony’s life. Though I am not squeamish, our modern ponies have more delicate sensibilities. If you’ll allow it, I’d like to keep the real reason for my visit to the school unspoken.” She looked at the crumpled form of the professor. “This is not the first time he has been reprimanded for his behavior and he was in fact on his last chance when he behaved so foolishly with your heirs.” She looked at High Brow with large beseeching eyes. “I thought to preserve the reputation of the Crown by making this all seem a routine disciplinary action resulting in his permanent... termination.” She giggled and looked at High Brow coyly as if inviting him into a conspiracy.

Lord High Brow’s mouth dropped open. “That is fiendishly clever. You’ll do exactly as you described regarding the modified punishment you recommended?” He asked, a hint of suspicion in his voice despite how charming the Princess was being.

“To the letter,” the Princess said. “You have my word.”

“That is good enough for me. In case he should try to flee your custody we’ll post a watch around the castle. We, of course, have the highest regard for your Majesty’s forces, but these ex-military ponies are quite clever when put to it. We’ll have observers watching the good professor tomorrow throughout the day as well. Come along Hay Tow; let’s tell the others how splendidly things went.” As if remembering where he was he suddenly bowed and said, “With your permission, Princess?”

“You have my leave to go. Thank you very much, Lord High Brow. This wouldn’t have been possible without you.”

Lord Hay Tow just glared hatred at the Princess as he was almost dragged from the Throne Room.

“Court is in recess until I say otherwise.” She sedately walked over to Brace Girdle and with some of the most powerful telekinesis in the world, made short work of the ropes binding the prone pony. “Let’s talk for a bit. Raven, a word as we walk.” The three ponies trotted off to a private antechamber and Celestia whispered instruction to the dark haired unicorn. ”-exactly that color. Several bottles as large as they sell -by tonight. Understood?”

“Yes, your Highness.” Raven moved off and began to gallop.

Once alone in the chamber with Royal Guards outside the door, Brace Girdle collapsed into a heap. “I swear, your Highness, you’re looking at a completely new Brace Girdle. I will be the sweetest, kindest fellow you ever did see, if only you can find some way to get me out of this mess my temper got me into. I never took the head slap warning seriously.” He began pounding a hoof into his head while chanting, “Stupid, stupid...”

Celestia gently prevented him from giving himself brain damage. “You may wish to hold off on that promise for a bit.

“Wah?”

The Princess looked speculatively at him. “Can you be abrasive, bull-headed, close-minded and insufferable?”

Brace Girdle snorted. “I don’t think that will be a problem.”

“Excellent. I won’t say anymore since you acting believably is very important. However, I should thank you for agreeing to teach a lesson on Military Strategy to Twilight Sparkle tomorrow.”

Taken aback, Brace Girdle sputtered, “I agreed to give your filly age student a lesson on Military Strategy normally for students twice her age?”

“Yes.”

“When!?”

“Just now. That is, you did if you wanted me to get you out of this mess your temper got you into.”

“Cockatrice and Minotaur tangoing on my back.”

“What was that?” Celestia said with an eyebrow raised.

“I was merely clearing my throat. I meant to say, ‘Of course, Princess. I would be happy to teach your personal student Military Strategy... despite my tendency to lose my temper at students... and in spite of the fact that this student is powerful enough to hatch dragon eggs.”

“It was only the one egg.” Celestia explained.

Brace Girdle didn’t look comforted.

“I’d be more worried about her turning you into a potted plant if you head slap her... or me putting you through the wall instead of just pinning you to one.”

“Noted.”

“Oh, it’s a little off topic, but before I have a guard take you to a guest room for the night -Baltimare or Manehatten?”

“Baltimare or Manehatten?”

“Large cities both with very good witness protection programs. I’m afraid, one way or the other, Brace Girdle dies tomorrow.”

Author's Note

Well, the side-story is official now.

Inspiration from Pre-Meiji Restoration Japan, Nobunaga no Chef Anime/Manga, and I believe I paraphrased a line from How the Grinch Stole Christmas.