Four Idiots In Equestria

by LukeTheMercenary

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Human, Romance, Comedy
Length: 3451

What happens when four close friends who act like complete jackasses go to Equestria? Only one way to find out...

Richard, Elmer, Nick, and Luke are a group of four friends. All of them are bronies…well, except for Nick. Anyways…when they get thrown into Equestria with no way back home, they're forced to stay and make the best of their situation. Easier said than done.

This story contains the following: [READ THIS]
Swearing
Perverted Humor
Lots of bad jokes
And more…

[PS]: I am taking a new approach for this fic…I like these characters, so I decided to reconstruct this story into something different…and hopefully, something better.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2017-02-09 03:16:42 UTC

Cliche Opening is Cliche

Meet The A.B.A.

On Earth...

In a small town in the U.S.A., there lived four friends. Richard, Elmer, Nick, and Luke. Ever since Elementary school, they all stuck together in the same neighborhood and hung out with each other. Their favorite hobbies were buying fast food on Fridays, messing with people, and buying vintage toys on Craigslist to re-sell them. Their sense of humor that involves jokes and comments at someone else's expense gave them their group nickname: A.B.A.. That chain of letters stand for "A Buncha Assholes".

First, there is Richard. Richard was born from a long history of law enforcement. When he was fifteen, his father gave him a classic police nightstick. Ever since then, Richard has trained in lethal and non-lethal usage of the nightstick. In a town where the women are gold diggers and the men are crooks, he put his training to good use. While he was uncertain about whether he wanted to be a cop or not, he definitely tries his best to fight for what's right. He enjoys hanging out with his friends, even if they can be a little annoying sometimes. He is the youngest in the group, being 23 years old.

Second, there is Elmer. Elmer is not your average guy. Being the most muscular in the group, you would think he was a football player. You'd be close. He actually used to play hockey. However, as much as he liked hockey, he couldn't play it. He had been banned from many hockey teams in several states due to his aggressive playing style. The one act that got him arrested was when he used a hockey stick as a weapon when he got into a fight with a teammate. Knocked the guy's teeth out. Since then, he thought that he could win any fight with a hockey stick...so he ended up carrying a hockey stick as a weapon. Being 24 years old, he believes that all the time ahead of him should be spent doing something amazing...

Third, there's Nick. Nick is NOT the kind of guy who congratulates you when you accomplish something, but instead will mock you for it. He can only be described as the douchebag of the group. He hoped to join the military, and has an interest in tactics and techniques done by them. His favorite tool and weapon has to be a military folding spade. To put it bluntly, it's a small shovel that he uses to hit things. In such a crooked town, it's imaginable why he would carry such a reliable and concealable weapon wherever he goes. While he likes to hang out with his friends, that doesn't stop him from picking on them whenever he can. His attitude is typically jerky, but if the moment is right...his kind side just might show. He is the oldest in the group, being 26 years old.

And finally, there's Luke. Luke grew up from a poor family as a child...and that has lead him to cherish the little things in life and live every day like it's his last. He does not like to fight, but instead uses speech to talk his way out of a bad situation. However, that has not stopped him from defending himself. In fact, he got into his first fight when he was 11 years old. After getting a home and life of his own, he decided that if he wants to live safely...he was gonna have to defend himself. One day, he wrapped some barbed wire around a wooden baseball bat. This became the weapon he carried whenever he went out with friends. Besides the intimidating weapon...Luke has a big heart, a positive attitude, and a personality that anyone could get along with. Being 25 years old, he is unsure what he truly wanted to be.

These four friends truly never expected what life had in store for them...

Morning Splinters

Chicken, Boxes, and Bullies

At a burger restaurant...

"Get the hell outta here!" Yelled the owner of a burger joint as he practically threw four men outside.

"Man, what the fuck?!" Yelled Nick.

"Dude, what's your problem?!" Yelled Richard.

"You are my problem! Walking in here with weapons?! I should call the police!" The owner practically screamed.

"Fine, we're leaving!" Luke said as he picked up his barbed wire-wrapped bat.

"Don't come back, you dumbass idiots!"

"Oh, fuck your mother." Nick yelled as he flipped the owner the bird.

This may look like a public scene, but in fact this was very common for Luke and his crew. People were always either intimidated or annoyed by the four. Especially in restaurants. In a small town, these four were best known as the "A.B.A." due to their mad sense of humor. Anyways, that day was Friday, and that's when Luke and his buddies go to celebrate the upcoming weekend by buying some fast food. However, due to...certain circumstances...they got kicked out by the mental manager.

"Well, this sucks." Elmer said as he rested his hockey stick on his shoulder.

"What are we gonna do for dinner now?" Nick asked irritably, "I'm starving!"

"Well, I know a fried chicken place that's pretty good. Cheap, too." Luke said, trying to stay positive.

"Sounds like a plan. Lead the way."

So, the group of friends walk about half a mile over to a rather small-looking fried chicken restaurant. With their weapons either concealed or on their shoulders, the owner acted as if he could care less about his four customers. They all sat down and talked about what they wanted to eat. When they decided to share a bucket of chicken, Elmer got up and paid for it all as a treat. Soon, they started chomping down on chicken wings, legs, and strips.

"I can't believe that the owner let us bring in our weapons." Nick said as he devoured a drumstick.

"Yeah, that's because I know his secret." Luke said as he leaned his bat against his chair.

"Well, that was nice of him to do." Elmer said.

"Yeah well," Luke said as he picked up a fried chicken strip, "That privilege was given to us by the guy who needs wheelbarrows or marijuana to function."

"Ha! So you're blackmailing him?" Nick asked.

"Kind of." Luke said.

While the crew was in the middle of eating, Luke's phone vibrated indicating a message. Luke made a little extra money by buying and selling old vintage toys, and whenever someone had a business opportunity...they would have to contact Luke. Anyways, after fumbling with his phone with greasy fingers, he opened up his messages and viewed the latest one.

"Luke, I have an interesting selection of old toys that I just cannot hold on to them anymore. If you are interested in buying them, bring $120 and meet me in the old warehouse." The message said nothing more, nothing less.

"Hey guys, I got a new trade opportunity." Luke said, smiling.

"Sounds cool. What does he offer?" Richard asked curiously.

"A box full of random old stuff. There could be anything in there!"

"Interesting, what does he want for it?"

"He wants $120."

"Cool, I would go for it." Richard said, pouring hot sauce on a chicken wing.

"Where does this guy want to meet?" Nick asked.

"The old warehouse on that dead-end street." Luke said bluntly.

"That seems just a tiiiiiiny bit sketchy."

"I know, but we could find stuff that could make us RICH! And for such a cheap price, I'll take that risk."

"Don't you remember that one time we almost got robbed? You know, the reason why we carry weapons now?"

"Nick, you carry that shovel wherever you go regardless of the situation."

"Ugh, you know what I mean..."

"Then, is it settled?"

"I guess" Nick said, finishing his chicken.

"I'm in." Richard said enthusiastically.

"Oh, what the hell. I'll tag along." Elmer said.

"Alright then." Luke said.

"Wait, did he say a time?" Nick asked.

"All he told me was to meet him in the warehouse...I guess he means now."

"Do you think this could be a trap?" Richard asked.

"In this world, you must believe that everything could be a trap." Elmer stated.

After agreeing to that last statement, the four checked to make sure they all had at least $30...and they left the restaurant. As they walked to the meeting point, Nick spotted a homeless man sitting on a bench. Unexpectedly, Nick threw a quarter into the cup he had next to him as he walked away. The homeless man smiled and thanked Nick as they walked away.

"Wow, Nick. That was really nice of you." Elmer said, surprised.

"That was one of those fake double-sided quarters you can get at gag stores." Nick said while laughing.

"Wow, you are an asshole." Luke said, trying to hold back his laughter.

After some more walking, they finally reach the old warehouse. Just the outside of the building was ominous enough to scare off a mobster. The walls were never painted and rusting, there were weeds and assorted flora growing on the doors and windows, and there was a gaping hole near the top of the front doors. It really did look like a horror movie setup.

"Well, this is the place." Luke said, looking up to the building.

"Not bad. I mean, I wouldn't make a summer home in here but the walls are actually quite nice..." Nick said with much sarcasm.

"This better be worth it." Richard said as he pushed open the rusty doors.

With that said, they all step into the building and head for the central area. If the outside looked scary, then the inside was horrifying! There were old machines connected to conveyer belts caked with dust. The windows were all broken with glass shards laying below them. The roof had segments that were either caved in, or had gaping holes that let the afternoon sunlight in.

"Ugh, let's make this quick." Elmer said as he stepped over a long-deceased possum corpse.

"I don't like this place." Richard said as he held his nightstick.

"Hey Luke, Isn't there a reason why this place was abandoned?" Nick asked.

"Indeed there was. You see...a long time ago, this warehouse was owned by four guys whose names were never told. They turned this warehouse into a factory that manufactured T-shirts. However, they needed help using the machines and such. Since they were too cheap to hire workers, they wanted to come up with another way. They ended up kidnapping homeless people and holding them in this old place to make shirts all day."

"How did they get caught?"

"One of the homeless men wrote a help message on one of the shirts along with an address. When word got out, the police arrived on the scene. A total of sixty homeless people were rescued from this place and the four men were arrested for their crimes. Ever since then, this place has been abandoned...untouched for over twenty years..."

"Damn..."

"Guys, I found something!" Richard yells and points his nightstick at a cardboard box in the middle of an open area.

"And there's a note." Luke said as he picked up a piece of paper attached to the box by a piece of tape.

"Just take this. Don't question, it's free." It read.

"Well, that made this trip a whole lot more worthwhile!" Elmer said as he did a little dance in celebration.

Suddenly, they could hear footsteps coming towards them. They instinctively turn around to see four guys approach them.

"Well, well, well..." The one in front said.

The one in front was Chris. Chris worked with Luke in the local supermarket. Chris was that one guy who everyone avoided because he was such an asshole. Chris has done things like putting a live lobster in Luke's pants, scaring him, and once slapped Luke in the face with a stack of raw bacon. Basically, a stereotypical bully. He has brought his three friends with him, so there was a bit of a standoff between the eight men.

"Chris, what are you doing here?" Luke asked.

"Probably to bop his baloney with his buddies." Nick said.

"You're funny," Chris said with a laugh, "But I decided to follow you nerds on your next little toy quest."

"Just leave us alone. We've never done anything to you!" Luke said.

"Fellas, restrain them."

Chris snapped his fingers as his three masked goons grabbed Luke's friends by their arms and pinned them to their backs.

"Help! Rape!" Nick said just to anger the guy.

Luke then has his hands tied behind his back with some rope. If that didn't anger him enough, Chris was approaching the box of supposed, "free stuff".

"Well, well, well...a box of free goodies," Chris said as he circled the cardboard box, "What to do..."

"We could crush it." One of Chris' goons suggested.

"We could cut it in half." Said another.

"How about we burn it?" The third suggested.

"Sounds heavenly..." Chris said dryly as he pulled out his lighter.

The third goon threw a bottle of lighter fluid to Chris. After catching it, he pulls off the cap and squirts a little on the base. This infuriated Luke and the others. Luke, after struggling with the rope, freed himself and charged at Chris. Luke tackled Chris to the floor and started throwing some heavy punches on his face. However, Chris grabbed Luke by the arms and now had him pinned to the ground. Chris then wrapped his thick hands around Luke's neck, attempting to choke him out. Luke's vision began to blacken after just a few seconds of this.

While this was happening, Nick took this distraction as an opportunity to free himself. He quickly turned around and slammed his restrainer right into the rusty wall, making a hole in the weak metal. After being freed, Nick grabbed Luke's barbed-wire wrapped baseball bat and ran up behind Chris. After charging his hit, Nick gave Chris possibly the worst spank of his life. Chris immediately released Luke's neck and fell over, his hands holding his buttocks.

"Sorry, Luke...but I've always wanted to try this thing out." Nick said as he helped Luke up.

"No problem, you saved my bacon." Luke said gratefully.

"Here's Lucille." Nick said while snickering.

"Ha ha ha...let's just teach these guys a lesson first." Luke responded as he grabbed his bat.

"Don't just stand there, get them!" Chris yelled on the ground.

Richard and Elmer quickly shook their restrainers off and they readied their weapons. Nick used his old-fashioned spade to smack one of the goons in the face. Richard gave another guy some long bruises with his nightstick. Elmer beat his attacker with his hockey stick. Luke got into a fight with Chris while this was going on. Luke used his bat to repeatedly strike his bully several times in the legs, and many more on his ass, leading to his pants getting heavily ripped. The fight continued for about an hour as Luke and his friends beat the hell outta their attackers.

"Enough! Guys, run!" Chris yelled as he and his three comrades bolted out of the warehouse.

"Woo! Yeah!" Nick yelled in celebration.

"That was so satisfying. Especially after the restaurant incident..." Luke said as he examined the little bit of blood on his bat.

"Now, let us look inside our box that we defended. It better be worth the trouble we went through." Richard said as he clipped his nightstick to his belt.

"Let's hurry, it's getting dark...and this place gets horrifying at night." Elmer said.

Luke approached the four-foot cardboard box and pulled back the flaps.

"What the fuck?!" Luke yelled as he jumped back from the box.

"What?" Richard asked as he took a peek inside," Holy crap!"

"Oh my god!" Elmer screamed.

"What are you guy screeching like banshees?" Nick asked as he peeked into the box, "Ugh, why does this not surprise me?"

Inside, the Mane Six looked up at them, each one carrying their element. Twilight looked amazed, Rarity looked scared, Applejack looked concerned, Pinkie looked happy, Rainbow had a surprised look, and Fluttershy cowered behind her mane.

"Oh no...I did it wrong!" Twilight said as she climbed out of the box and examined her surroundings.

"Wow! Aliens!" Pinkie yelled as she hopped out of the box and examined Richard.

"What in the name of fuck is going on?" Elmer yelled in confusion.

"They're....horses..." Richard said, feeling like he is going insane.

"For the record, we're ponies." Rainbow Dash said as she hopped out of the box and tried to fly, but finding out that she couldn't. She could only flap her wings.

"Ponies, horses...whatever! They're colorful and...can talk?!"

"I'm just irritated that out of all the mind-blowing things we could find, we found ponies" Nick said in a rather irritated tone.

"What're we supposed to do?" Applejack asked as she too climbed out of her cardboard container.

"Everyone listen!" Luke said in a commanding tone, trying to calm everyone.

Luke's commanding voice is rarely ever heard, so when he yells...people listen. In this case, ponies too.

"Okay. Listen, before we go insane...who are you and what are you?" Luke asked the Mane Six.

"I'm Twilight Sparkle. The alicorn princess of friendship." Twilight said like she was in a normal conversation.

"Ugh..." Nick groaned in disgust and great annoyance.

"I'm Rainbow Dash! The fastest flier in Ponyville!" Rainbow yelled in her enthusiastic voice.

"My name's Applejack." Applejack said, tipping her hat.

"I'm Pinkie Pie! It's a pleasure!" Pinkie Pie hopped in excitement around the four humans.

"My name is Rarity, or Miss Rarity as some choose to call me." Rarity said as she adjusted the element around her neck.

"I'm...Fluttershy...." Fluttershy managed to say.

"I feel like I'm in a really wacky anti-drug commercial." Nick said.

"So...what're you doing here?" Luke asked, his bat resting on his shoulder.

"I was testing out a new spell, and I...kind of needed the Elements of Harmony's active power to accomplish it. I wanted to see if I could find a parallel universe equivalent to Equestria."

"What's the "Elements of Harmony"? And what's Equestria?"

"Equestria is the country I come from. The elements are these" Twilight said as she pointed to her crown and her friends pointed to their own elements.

"Why does this sound soooo cliché?" Nick asked.

"We'll focus on that later. For now, we gotta figure out what we should do with these ponies. We can't just leave them here." Elmer said.

"I could." Nick sad as he started to walk away.

"Not so fast, Nick. You're gonna help us." Luke said.

"Why?"

"Because we're friends. We're supposed to have each other's backs."

"Ugh, fine. What do I have to do?"

"Wait a sec, Nick. Twilight, do you know how to get back?"

"Well, my magic is incredibly weak...I will need to wait until it is fully charged in order to start researching a way home." Twilight said.

"Well, until then...would you be okay with staying with us until you get your magic back?"

"I don't want to give you any trouble."

"It's not a problem for me. I'll be more than happy to have you stick with me until you are able to get home, and I'm sure my buddies would like to as well. Isn't that right, Nick?"

"Ugh, fine." Nick said.

"Sure, why not?" Elmer said.

"I got no other option. I'm in." Richard decided.

"You are all too kind." Rarity said.

"Now, who's going with who?" Richard asked.

"Nick, you'll have to take three with you." Luke said, much to Nick's annoyance.

"Fine. I choose...Flutterscotch, Rarity, and Rainbow." Nick decided.

"Um, It's Fluttershy." Fluttershy said.

"I choose the pink one." Elmer decided as Pinkie excitedly hopped towards him.

"I'll take the farm gal." Richard decided, motioning Applejack to follow him.

That left Luke with having to choose Twilight to be the one he takes care of.

"Okay guys, I got Twilight. Take them to your homes, and keep them out of sight. Got it?" Luke asked.

After everyone nodded, they went their separate ways into the night. Luke and Twilight reached his home in an hour.

"Okay, Twilight. You can sleep on the couch. We will talk tomorrow." Luke said.

"Thank you, it really means a lot." Twilight said gratefully.

"No problem. Do you want a blanket?"

"I'm okay."

"Alright. We shall talk tomorrow about how to fix this."

"Night, um...Luke."

"Night, Twilight."

With that said, Luke got to his bed...and he fell asleep with almost no trouble. Twilight, after a few minutes, found herself being able to fall asleep with ease. A new day awaited them in the morning.

Hellooooooo, Nurse!

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