Chapter 1: The Secret Of A Smile
Applejack sighed and looked at the alarm clock on her bedside table. The time read 3:22AM. She looked up into the night sky, thinking about everything she had screwed up in her life. Tears welled in her eyes and her vision became blurry. Tears streamed down the cheeks of the orange earth pony.
“Help me. Why do I feel this way?!” She asked herself. She sat up in bed, sniffled and wiped her tears. “I can be honest to everypony about everything else. Why can't I be honest with them about this?” She asked herself. “Oh, yeah, that's right. Because they'll try to help me. But then they'll get cut by my broken pieces and leave.
She clutched her stomach and put a hoof over her mouth to not make any noise.
“Mom, Dad... Why did you leave me?” Tears raced down her cheeks faster. “Please come back,” she begged. The air was dead with silence. There was nopony there to answer her. Tears stained the pillow and her thoughts consumed her. She wanted to kick, cry, and scream. But no sound came out of her mouth - only silence. Applejack’s breathing became ragged and quick. “Why do I feel this way?” She contemplated the question over and over in her head, but the answer remained the same. Applejack began to remember something that her mother once had said to her.
"The mind replays what the heart can't delete," she whispered. In that moment, she wanted to erase it. She wanted to wipe everything bad of her and keep only the good things. She wanted to forget about her parents. She wanted to forget the day Granny Smith sat her down to talk about why her mother and father didn't come home. She wanted to delete all the painful memories of her fillyhood. She knew it was all just hopeless thinking, though.
Her head began to pound, which only made her weeping even more painful. What went wrong? What happened? She didn't know. Applejack looked back at her alarm clock again. She had been crying for nearly an hour. She thought about how all her friends were going about with their lives, not a single one suspecting that the element of honesty was not being so honest with herself, nor them. She was just sitting there, watching the world move on without her. Watching Rainbow Dash begin her new career up in the skies as a Wonderbolt, Fluttershy taking more and more time out her day to be with the animals, Twilight spending more time organizing, Rarity's business has been getting a lot more attention than it used too, and Pinkie Pie spending a lot more time watching Mr. and Mrs. Cakes twins. What had she been doing? Bucking apples.
“What if they forget about me? What if they leave me like Mom and Pa did? What if I lose them like I lost everypony else in my life?” Nothing made sense to her anymore. The room began to spin and her head began to ache even more. “Why do I feel this way?!” She rested her head on the pillow and closed her eyes. “How much longer before I snap?” She wanted so desperately to get help and to talk to somepony for guidance, but she couldn't. Everyone would just say: "Oh, things will get better tomorrow." But little did they know that she had been through so many tomorrows and nothing had ever changed. Nothing will change, nothing! It won't ever change!
She buried her face into her pillow. Applejack hated counting the tears that collected upon her pillow during the night; then waking up like nothing happened. She remembered when she was younger and she was able to go nights, possibly weeks, without crying herself to sleep.
“When did that stop? When did I start having to cry myself to sleep every night?” she wondered. “When did everything and everyone around me change? More tears collected upon her pillow. If I were to die, would anyone really notice?” She pondered these questions for a while. She hated breaking at night and having to pull herself back together in the morning. She could put herself back together. She just needed more time.
Applejack sighed. It seemed like forever ago when she thought about a time when the whole family was together and everypony was happy. It seemed as though it were all just a dream. It's been a long time since she's seen her mother and father. She could barely make out their faces in her mind. When she saw them in pictures, she'd think... Is that really them? She didn't know what to do. She was lost, confused and with each passing night her demons became stronger.
She sniffled. For this went beyond the regular mental illness. This was affecting her whole body. Applejack found it harder to push herself out of bed every morning; not from a lack of sleep, but because the demons inside her that tormented her mind were getting stronger and stronger every day. She did her best to ignore them. She tried to push them to the back of her mind but every night when it got dark outside they came back, stronger than ever, looking for a fight. And this time she might just let them win.
“I’m not as strong as I once was. Everyone keeps saying that tomorrow is another day and things will get better. But I’ve been through so many tomorrows and nothing has ever changed,” she whispered quietly. “But then… everyone went away.” She clenched her teeth together tightly. Tears streamed down her cheeks like a waterfall.
She walked downstairs quietly and let Winona outside. She walked out after her and took a deep breath. “I wish I could just forget! Nothing in mah darn life seems right no more.” All her fillyhood she had wanted her parents to see that she was trying her best in school and she was trying her best to pass! Especially math.
Math never came easily to Applejack. When she was in school, the circumstance was no different. Her parents were constantly telling her that she needed to do better. They'd force her to go for extra help after class and stay there for what seemed like an eternity! Cheerilee was a nice teacher; but whenever she entered that room for extra help, it made Applejack feel strange, disconnected and, worst of all, stupid.
"Ma! Pa! I ain't stupid! I promise you I ain't!"
"We believe you, Applejack!"
"NO! You don't! If ya do believe me and if I weren't stupid... I wouldn't be in all these extra help classes!" Tears streamed down young Applejack’s face. "You don't understand what it's like to wake up and not wanna go to school! All them fillies and colts who are normal aren't stupid!"
"Applejack, we are not going down this road again! We've told you a million times that you are not stupid! I don't know what it'll take to convince you that you are not stupid! We have a train to catch tomorrow. Your father and I need to go to bed. End of discussion, Applejack!"
"It'll take a lot more than words. I'll tell you that much." Feeling overwhelmed, cornered, and saddened; little Applejack went to bed, crying herself to sleep for every night after that too.
Applejack snapped out of it, soon realizing it was all a vision. She remembered that was the day her parents got on that train. How she didn't get a chance to say sorry or goodbye. “I'm sorry Ma... Pa.” Applejack knew they weren't coming back and she knew she couldn't change the past. So why did she feel she had to?
