How To (Not) Ponynap a (Giant) Princess.
“PRIVATE!”
The Private sighed, hating to hear that word come from his Commander again. “Yes, sir...I know I was dozing off, but-”
“I don’t wanna hear an excuse out of your mouth, Private!” His Commander barked. “In fact, I don’t wanna hear anything coming out of your mouth with that attitude of yours.”
Despite the tired state he was in, the Private tried to stand up straight. “Listen, sir, I’m sorry, but nothing exciting ever happens here...well, anymore, at least.”
The Commander glared at him. “Son, this Empire is one of the most important places in all of Equestria. I’m surprised you weren’t as excited as I was when we got here.”
Truth be told, the Private was secretly hoping his transfer to the Crystal Empire would be exciting, but after spending a few nights here, guarding the royal couple, he was slowly starting to realize why no one else wanted to go. “I-I just don’t see the point of guarding her.” He pointed his spear at the door.
The Commander raised an eye. “You’re telling me that you want someone to sneak into this castle and do something to the royal couple?”
The private rapidly shook his head. “N-No Sir...I-I just think that it’s a...pretty low chance for it to happen.” Seeing his still stern look, Private continued. “I-I mean, we have a lot of other guards around the castle for it to look intimidating enough, e-even Shining’s-”
“Captain Shining.” He corrected.
“Uh, yeah, h-he’s patrolling around too...don’t you think there’s more than enough guards for this place?” He turned to the nearby window in front of them. “Only the most foolish of creatures would try to get in, right?”
The Commander shook his head, not understanding the way this young stallion thought. “Private, sometimes I wonder what would happen if you encountered an enemy...would you stay and fight or just run off and call for help?”
Private thought that was a trick question. “Uh...b-both?”
The Commander sighed in disappointment. “Listen, son, if there’s one thing a guardspony should do when they encounter an enemy, they need…to...” Private’s ear flicked, his head craning behind him, the Commander looked in the same direction. “I heard it too.”
The Private gripped his spear tighter, hearing the hoofsteps. “I-Is it a guard?”
The Commander shook his head. “Nah, no clunk from it. We wear these armored shoes for more reasons than protection, you know.” He turned to the Private. “Wait here, and don’t move from your position.”
The Private nodded. “Yes, sir.” He said, the Commander leaving him and walking into the dark shadows of the hallway.
It only took seconds for the Private to realize he was alone now, and it only took one second for him to realize he was vulnerable to anything that might come his way. Knowing this, he held up his spear and clenched onto it like a scared filly would to their mother. All it took was another flick of his ear to make him yelp and fall to the floor.
He laid there as he witnessed something emerging from the shadows, his rookie mind ran wild with whatever might come for him, the rattling of his armor from all the shaking only brought more fear into his mind, after what felt like hours, the figure emerged into the moonlight, the private gasping once he laid eyes on what was not in front of him.
He could instantly recognize that white fur, kempt blue hair, and stunning armor, it was none other than, “C-Ca-Captain Shining!” The Private quickly sat up and saluted, causing pain in his head from the impact.
The white stallion walked into the open, a stern look on his face. “At ease, guard. I can take it from here?”
“T-Take what from where?” Private asked, still a bit shell shocked.
Shining’s face continued looking serious. “I’m taking your position.”
“M-My position.” Private craned his head to the dark hallway, wondering why his Commander hasn’t shown up yet. “B-But the Commander-”
“Who cares what the ‘Commander’ says!” Shining yelled. “I’m the higher ranking officer here, Cadet. Isn’t that right?”
The Private backed up, never hearing someone addressed him as that, neither did he expect Shining to be in this tone of voice. “B-But my names-”
Shining then went eye to eye with him. “Isn’t that right!?” He said in a louder tone that made Private quiver.
Private rapidly nodded. “Ye-yes sir…”
Shining smirked. “Good, now go to bed.”
“G-Go to bed?” The private tilted his head. “Uh...sir, are you-”
“Did I stutter!?” Shining stomped his hoof on the floor, making Private jump. “Move it!”
“S-Sir yes sir!” With one last salute. The Private dashed away, hoping to find the sleeping quarters by himself.
Shining stood still until he was out of sight, where he then shook his head and laughed. One of his ears turned around. “Is he gone?”
Shining turned to the darkness, seeing a dark figure with a pair of glowing blue eyes. “The sucker fell for it.” Shining said, a sinister look on his face.
The dark figure came out of the shadows and into the moonlight shining through the window, revealing his hole filled arms, dark carapace, sharp fangs, and his blue eyes. “I gotta say, ponies can be real stupid at times.”
Shining nodded, bursting into green flames and turning into a changeling. “Sometimes you just need to be a great actor, Stan.”
Stan rolled his eyes. “Zack, if I can recall, you sucked at acting, in fact, I’m very surprised that pony fell for the whole ‘mean captain’ act.”
Zack shrugged. “Maybe he’s the new guy who doesn’t know anything.” He leaned on the door. “At least that old guy fell for it.”
Stan chuckled, looking at his hoof in amazement. “That guy didn’t know what hit him.” He rubbed his hoof on his chest, hoping he didn’t cause too much damage to it after knocking out the Commander and locking him inside a closet.
Zack turned to the door, knowing who was inside. “So, did Mark and Kyle take the other two targets?”
Stan nodded. “Saw them all wrapped up and on their way to the caves. All we need now is her.” He rubbed his hooves mischievously.
Zack was a little hesitant. “Are you...sure this’ll be just as easy?”
“It’s simple, Zack, just get in, get the princess, then get out. Simple.”
Zack knew that was easier said than done. “Okay, Stan, I know you think ponynapping someone is easy, but this is a princess we’re taking, not just some random pony.”
Stan crossed his front legs. “We did it once, we can do it again.”
“But-”
“And you already heard from the other reports,” Stan continued. “these three are the only one’s left. After this, Equestria will be ours for the feeding!”
“But we’re just taking...uh.” Zack counted in his head. “Eleven ponies and a lizard.”
Stan didn’t see how this was important. “Yeah...and?”
“Don’t you think we should take more than that...like, some of their guards or ponies that look strong or creatures that might help them or-”
Stan grabbed him, pulling him closer. “Hey, don’t think about this too hard, alright. When ponies notice their important rulers and heroes are gone, I’m pretty sure they’ll all give up. That’s what happens when you take the heroes away from the scene.” Stan finished, smiling.
Zack was still worried. “I dunno...ponies can be pretty crafty, with their cloud walking skills and their levitating skills and their food growing skills...they might be tougher than we think, Stan.”
Stan still wasn’t convinced. “Uh huh...sure they are. I suppose next you’ll tell me we’ll turn into rainbow colored butterflies once we get enough love from everyone.”
Zack shrugged. “It could happen…”
Stan shook his head and turned back to the door. “Like I said, stop thinking so hard about this. No one’s gonna stop us once we get all of them.”
“But are you sure this is all of them?”
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t you think there might be more hero’s besides everyone we’re taking. W-What if that orange pony has a huge family behind her back, what if that blue one has a whole team of fliers with her, what if that yellow one’s friend with a lot of animals, what if that purple one has a student like that white alicor-”
Stan shoved a hoof in Zack’s mouth before he could finish. “DON’T...talk about that mare…” He shivered, thankful he was tasked to take this alicorn and not the other one’s. “Now, can we please get back to the task at hoof?”
Zack pushed his hoof away, looking at the door. “Alright then, how should we go about this?”
“We’ll just take it easy.” Stan said, peeking inside. “Then we’ll...w-we’ll…uh...” He slowly shut the door, his eyes going out into the distance.
“Then we’ll what?” Zack asked while Stan closed his eyes and shook his head, as if to refocus his vision.
Stan looked back inside, still trying to figure out what he was looking at. “Uh...Z-Zack, h-how tall can alicorns get again?”
“How tall?” Zack tapped his chin. “Hmmm...If I remember correctly, they can get about ten feet tall before retaining that size for the rest of their lives...why’d ya ask? Did that pink one have a growth spurt since we last saw her?”
Stan opened the door wider. “Y-You could say that...y-yeah…”
Curious about Stan’s expression of horror, Zack stepped closer. “Then how big of a growth spurt are we talking about?” He glanced inside. “Bigger than a rucksack or a cocoon or a...a...ahaaahuaaa...h-huh?” Zack’s jaw dropped, never thinking he’d see the princess like this.
Stan gulped, realizing this was going to be harder than they thought. “M-More like bigger than a bed.”
Zack managed to turn his head away from the, thankfully, still fast asleep Cadance and looked at Stan. “Uh, s-so, uh...y-you first, heh.”
Stan glared at him and grabbed his hoof. “Oh no...we’re doing this together.”
Zack looked at the hoof, then at Stan, then at Cadance, then at Stan again. “Y-You seriously want to do this?”
With a determined face, Stan took his first step in the room. “We have an order from the queen, and we’re finishing it, by any means necessary. Understand?”
Zack would’ve told him he was insane after seeing their target in a different state than the last time they ponynapped her, but he knew he was right. They had a job, and it had to be done. “Okay, but we’re telling the queen we get extra rations for this.”
Both managed to step inside and shut the door, thankful she didn’t hear it closing. They then sat on the floor and tried to understand the situation they were in. They knew they had to take Cadance by any means necessary, but with her being in this condition, they knew that was borderline impossible.
Her horn was almost to the roof and her head wasn’t laying on a pillow, seeing as how the bed was only the size of her belly, which it was able to support surprisingly. Her legs seemed to be on both ends of the bed and her body was laying on the side, her face toward them. Her front legs were under the side of her face and her back one’s laid on top of one another. Her wings seemed to be unfurled a bit, almost acting as a small blanket for her torso. The only thing they saw that was different, besides the size, was the striped black and light blue colored socks she was wearing on each leg.
After taking all this in, Stan leaned his head toward Zack’s. “How the heck do ponies get this big!?” Stan whispered.
“Do I look like I’m an expert at this?” Zack whispered back. “I got straight C’s in pony history and anatomy, don’t look at me when you ask why she’s ‘this big’!”
Stan took multiple looks at Cadance, knowing full well that ponies don’t normally get this big. “So...uh, any ideas?”
“Ideas!?” Zack whispered. “I thought you had one.”
“I did until she went ‘big pony’ on me!” Stan said, his voice raising in volume.
“Then what should we do, BUG BRAIN!” Zack clamped his mouth shut with his hooves and turned to Cadance, thanking the queen that the only response from her was a flick of her ear. Zack put his hooves back on the floor. “Guess she’s a hard sleeper. Ponies can be really weird, am I right?”
Stan nodded. “Yeah...I-I mean, what is up with the socks?” Stan stepped closer to the snoring pink pony, glaring at all four of the socks she had on her. “Why are ponies so obsessed with these things? They’re impractical and I bet they don’t even keep you warm at night!”
Zack smiled. “You’re just jealous you can’t put them on, Stan.”
Stan shot his eyes at him. “You try putting on socks when you have five holes in each leg! it’s hard!”
Zack let loose his short laugh before looking back at the task at hoof. “Anyways, what’s the first step in this. We should at least find that out first.”
Stan took another step toward Cadance, now a few feet away. “Well, the first thing we should try to do is cover up the horn. No magic might give us an advantage if she wakes up, right?”
Zack’s face went deadpan. “An advantage...to a giant mare...when we’re the size of her hoof.”
Stan knew there wasn’t really much else he could think of at this point. “You have a better first step, then say it, Zack!”
Zack sat on the floor, still trying to get over the fact a large mare was in front of him. “Alright then, if you’re so confident, then you do it.”
Stan looked up at the horn, it being almost as tall as him. “Uh...I didn’t really bring a whole lotta slime on me, Zack…” Stan blinked. “Wow, that sounds a lot weirder when I say it out loud.”
Zack didn’t seem to care and tapped his front hoof in an impatient matter. “Then at least put some of it on her.”
Stan then realized the obvious. “W-What if she wakes up while I do it?”
“She hasn’t heard us talking so far, I’m starting to think her big ears can’t hear our voice.”
Stan had a hard time believing that giant ears can’t hear them. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
“It’s magic, Stan. Since when does it make sense to anyone?” He stepped closer to him. “Now, will you ling up and fly up to that horn already, we’re wasting time here.”
“Alright, alright...j-just give me a second.” Stan took a deep breath as he closed his eyes and slowly flapped his wings, stopping mid way in hopes she didn’t hear the noise. Thankfully, she was still sleeping. “Okay, h-here goes.” With no confidence what so ever, Stan flapped his wings and hovered in the air, getting closer and closer to his target. He reached behind his back and pulled out a hoof sized ball of gunk, looking at it and cringing. “This is a horrible idea…” He whispered to himself as he closed his eyes and extended his hoof to the horn.
Zack held up his front hooves to his mouth as Stan flew closer to her; inch by inch, he made his way to the target. After what felt like hours, Stan made contact with the horn, once he realized this he quickly retracted his hooves and stopped flying, landing on the floor with a thud. With his heart pounding against his chest, Stan stood up and smiled proudly. “S-See that, Zack? That’s why the queen picked me for this job.”
Zack glared at him, seeing that he only put a hoof sized slime coating on her horn. “You really think that’s enough to-”
“It’s all I got, Zack!” Stan yelled, causing Cadance’s ear to flick. “What else should we do besides look at her!?”
“I’m just sayin’ that if we're gonna ponynap her, we're gonna have to do a lot better than this."
Stan groaned in frustration and covered his eyes. “Why can't it every be easy, even the last time we took her she was a hoof full to take away!"
Zack shrugged. “It could be worse.”
Stan glared at him as Cadance’s eyes twitched. “How, Zack, how could it get any-”
“Mmmmghmmm?”
Both bugs froze and slowly turned to the pink princess as she stirred in her sleep. She slowly turned over and laid on her back, her right front leg now resting on her chest while the other one laid on her stomach, her back legs sprawled out and her wings furled. Stan and Zack hearts leapt to their throats as her eyes twitched. The two of them would have bolted to the door or window, but her eyes remained closed, both of them sighing in relief afterwards.
With his back to Cadance, Stan smiled. “Well, glad she didn’t-”
*SLAM*
Zack backed up as Cadance’s front arm swung down to the floor, right on top of his brother. “Stan!” Zack ran up to the hoof, only seeing Stan’s front legs from under it. “Y-You okay? Twitch your legs once for yes.” Stan did so, thought more out of pain than a response. Zack breathed a sigh of relief, glad to know his brother survived the impact. “Thank queen for slapstick. Alright, w-well, uh…” He craned his head past her giant hoof and at her head, seeing her eyes were still shut and her mouth was open, the sounds of snoring emanating from it. “A-At least she’s still asleep, t-that’s good, right?”
Stan managed to grab hold of the floor and pull out from under the hoof, but only to his chest before he laid on the floor again. “Oha...eh...heh...ka...kay…” He breathed loudly. “Neh...neah...ev...ar...a-ah...again!”
Zack leaned down, his face aligned with his. “You doing alright?...I-I mean, besides the hoof on top of you.”
Stan glared at him. “I’m fine, Zack! Now get me out!”
Zack nodded and grabbed hold of Stan’s front legs, pulling with all his might, but strength wasn’t his strong suit in situations like this, so he couldn’t even make him budge an inch. After several more tugs, Zack panted and sat down, feeling exhausted. “S-Sah...sorreh...Stan, t-too heavy…”
Stan was seconds away from losing it after everything that has happened to him so far. “Zack, you need to focus here. This is, by far, the worst situation I can be in right now.”
Despite this, Zack smirked. “A-At least it can’t get any more worse, right Stan?”
As if on cue, Cadance’s arm scooped Stan up and flung him on her chest, where her arm then landed on top of him again. Almost all of Stan’s air escaped from his lungs as his body sank into the fluff of her chest. Cadance breathed deep, her chest squeezing Stan against her arm for a few seconds before letting loose some pressure, letting Stan breathe somewhat normally again.
Meanwhile, Zack sat on the floor, watching in both horror and amusement. “Uh...Stan?”
“I’m fine…” Stan mumbled through the fluff, his face almost buried in it. “Just extremely terrified right now…” Stan looked up, seeing the Princess’s smiling face a few feet away from him. “It’s times like this I wish I learned how to teleport, we can learn that, right?”
Zack looked up at his horn. “Uh, I don’t think we have strong magic like that. We can only disguise and make green fire. That’s about it.”
Stan started assessing the situation in his head. Right now, they made little to no progress on getting the princess, and, in the process, he was now in her fluffy iron grasp, he would’ve made an attempt to move if it wasn’t for the fear of waking her up from movement. “Zack, if you have any ideas, now would be a great time, cause this situation went from bad to worse.”
Zack continued being optimistic. “A-At least it can’t get any-” He stopped talking once Cadance breathed in deep through her nose and yawned, her mouth practically on full display for Stan. He started feeling his heart rate going even faster than hers when he realized how close he was to said mouth, and what would happen if her dream involved eating something.
Stan’s eyes shot daggers at his brother. “Zack, if you say that one more time...”
“Okay, okay.” Zack said, holding his hooves up. “I’ll shut it.”
Stan sighed deeply through the hair, feeling a bit humiliated at this point. “Other than covering her horn, ya got any good ideas on how to get her out, cause at this point, I got nothin’.”
Zack tapped his chin, trying to find something to help “Hmmm...maybe if we figure out why she’s like this, we might have an easier time getting her.”
Stan blinked. “Zack, I said good ideas, not random ones, because I think the only way a pony can get this big is either by magic, growth, or someone having this kind of feti-”
“Maybe it’s the socks.” Zack suggested. “If we can get one of them off, maybe she’ll be back to normal size again.”
“The socks are making her this big?” Stan would’ve argued, but he wanted to take any suggestions at this point, with him now acting as a small teddy bear. “Well, got nothing else, and I guess I lived a full life if this takes a turn for the worst.”
Zack was a little concerned at that last remark. “You act like she’ll end us if she wakes up. I’m pretty sure ponies aren’t that cruel to other creatures.”
“She’s an alicorn, Zack. These creatures can do almost everything, they’re like that mutant goat, but more majestic...besides the white one, that one’s just terrifying.”
Zack started fluttering his wings before he flew in the air, trying to figure out a way to do this. “Okay...where to start…”
“Just grab a sock and pull!” Stan yelled, causing Cadance to stir a bit in her sleep.
Zack flew down to the top of the arm Stan was under. “Tone it down a bit, Stan. She might turn over again, and I’m pretty sure a bug your size can’t withstand this much weight under a mare.”
Stan would’ve objected, but the thought of a mare her size on top of him at his size horrified him, so, he breathed deep and waited. “Alright, go ahead.”
Zack looked down at the sock and decided he should start with this one. He walked over to her shoulder and took hold of the top of the sock with his teeth. “Earh goah nothehn’” With all his strength, he pulled hard on the sock, ready to finally finish this mission and take-
*RIP*
Zack tumbled to the floor as he ripped off a piece of fabric the size of his face, his fangs being the only thing attached to them, he shook his head and got the torn piece of sock off him. “Bleh...this tastes terrible.”
“It’s a sock, Zack.” Stan pointed out as Cadance stirred in her sleep again. “What’d you expect from something that’s been on a mare for hours on end.” He sighed in sadness as parts of Cadance’s body started to twitch. “Whelp, worth a shot. Guess we're gonna have to tell the queen that...wait, why’s it so cold now?” Stan looked around, wondering why he wasn’t feeling the warmth of fur or the breathing and heartbeat of a giant mare.
Meanwhile, Zack raised his front legs in the air. “WOOOOO! I knew it would work!”
“What would wor- Oh...” Stan finally looked down to see a now normal sized Cadance in her bed. He then realize he was still in the air after she shrunk. He fell the second the saw this, landing on the hard floor face first.
Zack cringed once he made impact. “Oooh...Stan, you okay?” He walked up to him, not seeing any signs of damage.
With some help from his brother, Stan managed to get up on all fours. “Zack, I’ve been squashed by a hoof, had the air squeezed out of me, and have now face planted to the floor. Does it sound like I’m okay?”
Zack took a closer look. “I dunno, you look fine to me.”
Stan just shoved him away, his deadpan glare still plastered on his face. “It was a rhetorical question, you dumb fla-”
“Mhhhg...w-wha, who’s there?”
Both bugs turned to Cadance, seeing her now slightly awake, sitting up in her bed, and rubbing her eyes. Stan and Zack looked at each other while Cadance inspected her sock. “W-wha...h-how’d it...? It took forever to enchant these things!” She turned over and rolled off the bed.
Zack blinked. “Huh, so it was the big ears and the socks.”
Stan shoved a hoof in Zack’s mouth, hoping she didn’t hear that, but those hopes were crushed once Cadance turned toward them. “W-Who said that?” She tried lighting up her horn to get some light, but for some reason, it couldn’t. “Wait...what the...” Cadance looked up at her horn, seeing it covered in a strange green substance. “What is this?” She looked at the two bugs, her eyes going wide. “W-Who are you!?”
Stan narrowed his eyes. “I think the better questions here is why the heck you were so big, a-and why you were wearing socks...a-and why do you ponies always-”
Zack tugged his brother’s arm. “Uh, Stan…”
“WHAT!?”
Zack pointed at the confused alicorn. “The mission.”
Stan blinked, his mind taking a few seconds to realize they still had a job to do. “OH! Uh, right...um…” He stepped closer to Cadance, now a few feet away. “Listen, uh. I know this is a little confusing but I’m sure we can-” Stan then pointed to the door. “LOOK! A DISTRACTION!”
Cadance craned her head to the door while Zack got the bag. “What?” Was the last thing Cadance cried out before she felt pain in the back of her head, followed by the sight of darkness second later.
Author's Note
Couldn't figure out any other way to end it.
Hope you liked it though!
