Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin: Equestria
After securing presidency, Donald Trump decided the next reasonable course of action was to build a wall.
Which he did.
Well, when I say "He did" I really mean "Mexico did," because not only did they pay for it in full, plunging there economy into recession, they also supplied the labour to make it happen. In only a few short years, the Great Wall of America was built, becoming one of the wonders of the world.
Even the people who hated and shunned Trump were astounded by the success of diplomatic negotiations with Russia, with Donald and Putin frequently arm wrestling in jest, with the loser buying vodka for the winner.
That is to say, a truck of vodka.
Just when things were starting to look up for the entire world, the very foundations of the universe were plunged into peril.
Trump became bored with the complacency of the world, and expressed his disdain with his trusted friend Vladimir Putin at the next of there arm wrestling matches.
"I'm a very successful man," he preached, "and I'm very rich. But, like, I kinda built the wall and stopped illegal immigration. We don't really have any workers coming into the country anymore. If only there was some way we could get cheap labour..." Rambling on in this way for some time, Trump didn't even notice that Vladimir had been politely listening to him, ever the gracious host, and the Russian had decided that the best course of action would be to reveal a national treasure and secret with his close pal!
"We know of way to get you cheap labour, comrade!" He announced, "Russian engineers draw up plans for big portal, yes? We give you plans if you supply me with, I think, three trucks of vodka!"
A master negotiator, Putin had Trump flummoxed. As much as he was compelled to take up the Russians' offer, he didn't like parting with any of his hard earned cash if he could help it.
Due to the pressure of the situation, Donald was forced to bring all his skills to the table.
"Yeah, tell you what. If I beat you at arm wrestling again, you can give me the plans for this portal, alright?"
Thinking long and hard about the political implications of such an agreement, Putin deeply searched within himself to find an answer.
"Sure."
A scuffle ensured, with Putin and Trump vying for the best position to begin the arm wrestle.
Unfortunately, the great battle between the two leaders of the worlds most prominent nations had to be postponed.
Several rapid knocks on the door, and both Trump and Putin were grumbling to themselves about having to delay the arm wrestle that could decide the fate of the earth.
Agitated, Putin swung open the door and demanded in Russian to know what was going on.
"я надеюсь, что никто не замечает, я напечатал это в перевод!"
One brief and heavily Russian conversation later, and the messenger lay knocked out by a vodka bottle, a victim of Putins rage.
Trump didn't know Russian, and enquired as to what just transpired.
It wasn't good news.
Hillary Clinton, recently escaped from jail, had smuggled the blue-print for the "portal" out of the KGB headquarter in Moscow. Fortunately, she had done this by e-mail and used a private server, allowing the Russians to track her.
Putin whistled sharply, and the wall of the room was torn down by a bear wearing the full communist get-up, right down to the hammer and sickle.
"I need to go now, my American friend," Putin revealed, fixing reins and a saddle, conveniently left in the corner of the room, onto the bear that had just reduced the wall to a pile of debris, "Have no fear! There's punch and cookies by the door, and I arrange plane to take you back to America, yes? I must recover this blue-print."
This turn of events happened incredibly rapidly, and it took Trump a moment to adjust to the state of the room. Luckily, his mind was set at ease when he discovered that there was indeed punch and cookies by the door, and he tucked in.
In typical Trump fashion, he retrieved his phone from his pocket and tweeted;
"Can't believe my chat with Putin got ruined by crooked Hillary #GrandTheftBlueprint!"
Meanwhile, in the deepest depths of Washington DC, Hillary Clinton was scheming. Successfully gaining the blueprint to a portal of undisclosed significance had made her day, and she paid the members of her crime syndicate to begin its production immediately. Recently breaking out of jail, Hillary's goal was to enact revenge on the man who put her there - Mr Donald J. Trump. Prior to Trump, no one had realised the web of deceit that Hillary was spinning, and she intent to make him pay.
The process of building this portal should have been a gruelling one, yet when you know the right people like Hillary, time constraints are inconceivable. In a matter of days, a portal was manufactured in Hillary's lair, and her plan had begun.
Unbeknown to her, the portal actually housed another dimension. Full of friendship, magic and an entire host of otherworldly beings. How did Russia acquire the blueprint for such a machine? Well, as they say in Russia: Не получил ключ.
Due to the latest Russian technology, Vladimir Putin was accelerating across the world at an elevated rate on a bear that happened to be rigged with rocket boosters.
Likewise, due to the latest American technology, Donald Trump was enjoying his test run of a gold plated mobility scooter, the perfect solution to the obesity crisis.
Both were on course to trace the theft of the portal blueprints (because who needs an army to track down blueprints?)
Following the high tech tracking device of the Internet (Wiki leaks) Putin and Trump quickly found that the document thief was operating from deep underneath the Whitehouse.
Socialising via Twitter, they agreed to meet up just outside of Trumps' residence.
Being natural born strategists, they agreed that the best way to get underground, and subsequently to Hillary, was an airstrike.
With the combined forces of the U.S and Russian Air Forces, enough bombs were dropped to make a crater leading directly to Hillary's lair, and no matter what anyone says, not a single civilian was killed. No, I am not obligated to say that under a law that prevents me speaking out against our noble dictators.
Putin mounted his bear, and Trump his mobility scooter, and they heroically charged down the crater they had created, and into a hidden bunker. Regrettably, the amount of time it took to make this gaping hole gave Hillary a warning that the Presidents were coming, and she had prepared a force comprised of the left wing media to stop them!
Despite CNN and The Huffington posts' best efforts to shout at Trump and Putin, they were no match for a Russian bear.
Effortlessly tossing the media aside, the dictators made a final assault to get to Hillary and retrieve the blueprints.
When they reached what they believed to be the heart of the bunker, the duo were stopped. Behind them, a gate creaked shut, and in front of them appeared to be a device of some kind.
A loudspeaker pulsates through the air, cutting through the confusion like a knife.
"With you two gone," the voice boomed, "NO ONE will stop me from going to war with Russia! And while I'm at it, I'll get my revenge on you, Trump!"
Apparently, Hillary had installed loudspeakers. A fruitless investment.
The device in front of the leaders whirred to life.
"I do not like where this is going, comrade!" Putin mused.
"Well, yeah, we should build a wall around this device. And make the device pay for it." Trump responded, using his infinite wisdom to take control of the situation.
Despite this, the device began to pull the pair towards it.
"I think this may be portal, yes?" Putin wondered.
Before Trump had a chance to reply with an awe inspiring remark that would have changed the fate of the human race, the portal increased its power, and the two were soundly sucked inside.
Trump opened his eyes, and averted his gaze to anything other than the sun, which seemed to be wholly focused on him. Turning his head, he notice Putin, and his own mobility scooter, had made it through the portal. He casually let his mind wonder about the fate of Putins' bear, when it fell from the sky, crushing the Trump mobility scooter entirely. In dismay, Trump allowed his eyes to explore the environment, to take his mind off of this devastating loss.
It dawned on him at that moment that he wasn't on Earth.
Surrounding him, in an eerie circle, was a plethora of multi-coloured ponies.
Putin stirred, and contemplated whether he had drunken a truck load of vodka.
Trump didn't usually like ponies, they weren't worth much money, yet he noticed something different about the ones surrounding him. Not only were they arranged in a stunning array of colours, they also had some interesting additions to there bodies; some had horns, others had wings, and some had neither. Trump decided the group with neither probably got the short end of the stick.
Before he could speak, the American leader was approached by a purple pony, sporting wings and a horn, seemingly unique to her.
They stared each other down, and there was a pause.
The sanctity of the moment was ruined, however, when Putin sprung up from the floor.
He looked between the pony and Trump.
"YOU TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON, YES?"
Trump would have gladly explained to Putin, had he himself had the faintest idea as to where they were.
It was then that, for the first time, the purple pony spoke.
"Who - what - are you?" She enquired.
The pair of humans were unsure how to answer, aware that they were currently the spokespeople of there entire species.
Trump took the initiative, "We are Humans from the planet Earth! So...uh....where are we?"
The Purple creature answered hurriedly, "You speak our language? This is an indisputably fantastic discovery! I'll need to inform princess Celestia immediately! We've never had a 'human' here before! What do you eat? What's it like on Earth? How did you get here?"
A flurry of questions were spouted from the ponies mouth, with Trump barely making out that her name was Twilight Sparkle, and that they were in a land called, "Equestria."
Putin picked up on none of this, and was gawping aimlessly at the houses and creatures surrounding him.
Trump answered the only way he knew how, "Well, yeah, it hasn't been easy for me. I started off on earth, and my farther gave me a small loan of a million dollars to start a business-"
Before his sentence was completed, Donald was cut off abruptly by Twilight Sparkle rambling on,
"What an advanced race! Already comprehending business studies! I have got to tell Princess Celestia all about you! Well, you know what? We need to get you to her right now!" She turned to a small unspecified animal and began addressing him, "Spike, take a letter! Tell Princess Celestia to expect company, and that a monumental discovery has been made! Oh, and ask her if she liked the cake I sent her last week!"
Braking every law of physics the duo of human dictators had ever seen, the animal, presumably Spike, set the letter on fire, allowing the wisps to scatter into the air with a strangely green tinge.
Putin and Trump were escorted to a train station, with a luxury compartment just for them. Most ponies dived out of the way, out of fear for the new-found species, and the path to the railway was secured easily. Not to mention, the Russian bear, still draped in communist propaganda, was trailing along behind them.
Due to the short notice, and lack of knowledge about what Humans were, or liked, the luxury compartment mostly consisted of all the needs a pony would enjoy; party cannons, cake, cushioned Seats, you name it, and it was probably somewhere in that carriage. Twilight escorted them all the way to there seats, constantly taking notes, or blabbering incoherently.
A section of the Royal guard had been dispatched to ensure the train got to its location safely, and that it's passengers weren't dangerous. They took up position at most of the trains exits.
It didn't take long for the whirring of an engine to sound up, and Putin, Trump and a communist bear could sit back and relax, with Twilight finally leaving them alone to inspect another carriage.
Regrettably, they didn't have much time for sleeping, and one quick arm wrestle later, Trump of course the victor, the country side that had predominantly been in view out of the windows slowly faded into densely clustered houses.
Twilight ambled into there carriage again:
"Well humans," she announced, "Welcome to Canterlot!"
