Snails is Perpetually High

by Paradigm Shift

Rating: teen
Tags: Snails, Comedy, Random, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2445

Snails secret to success may be not thinking about anything, but how does one attain such an enlightened state? The answer is drugs. Lots of drugs.

For most ponies, life is a series of highs and lows, where one has to face adversity and obstacles in their path in order to make it to a better tomorrow.

Snails ain’t about that life, though. As long as he has a blunt in hoof, a smile on his face, and nothing in his mind; he can handle anything life throws at him.

Published 2016-11-05 08:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-11-05 08:20:01 UTC

Grazin' that Grass

Author's Note

Recommended reading speed: mellow.

Grazin' that Grass

Snails was just sitting there, enjoying the beautiful night, you know? Enjoying the beautiful stars…

The sky sure is big this time of night. So big. And Snails is so small. It really… really puts things into perspective, you know? Like, ponies think they own the world, just because they’re… they’re bigger and smarter and bigger than the other species,but really, the universe… the universe is bigger than all the ponies. Man…

Snails smiles— a real, big happy smile, you know—and takes another puff. Sometimes… sometimes it’s better not to think about the big stuff, you know? Sometimes, it’s… just better not to think at all…..

…

The sun sure is bright this time of day…

Snails is just walking down the road, minding his own business—you know how it goes—singing a little song. A happy song about all the water he was carrying… soooo much water.

He has to carry the water to… to the place. The place needed water and Snails was the only pony that could deliver the water that the place needed. Yeah.

Snails smiles—smiling a big, big ‘ol smile, you know—and takes the blunt out from his super duper secret hiding place, the kind of hiding place only your best friend would look, you know what I’m talking about.

This job… this job is soooooo important that Snails has to take two puffs. Right in a row, man. It was, like, a borderline drag. That’s how serious this job is. All the ponies are counting on him, you know? Without water, there can be no life… That’s how serious this job is.

So Snails is singing his song, you know, and all of a sudden...

These red things came flying wooooooooo through the sky. And Snails… Snails was going to catch the red things. And Snails happened to have two buckets to catch the red things with. It was, like, Fate, man…

Snails uses his magic to twirl the buckets around in some kind of elongated circle, you know, and catches the red things. He doesn’t like to think about how his magic works, because… that takes away the magic from the magic, you know? Like, what even is magic? Is there, like, some kind of... magical nexus that unicorns draw their magic from? Is magic real, or, like, just a construct of a pony’s innermost desires and wishes?

Man. Ponies don’t think magic be like it is, but it do.

Snails looks over at some ponies that were… staring at him. Like, it was borderline rude, but Snails was just chill with it, you know?

There was this orange mare that Snails saw and—get this—she had more of the red things on her flank.

Woah. Snails smiles—this time he smiles on the inside, he’s always smiling on the outside, you know—as he realizes what the red things are.

Apples, man. Legends claimed these things could repel doctors with their… their apple powers, so long as they were consumed in a daily, consistent manner. Apple mare should really really be more careful where she… she puts those. It would be just… just awful if they fell into the wrong hooves.

Snails returns the apples you know, cuz he’s nice like that. He didn’t need the healing properties of the apples, since, you know, he hadn’t felt sick in forever. Every since Treehugger had introduced him to… the stuff, he was never sick. That mare is like, like a wizard. A female wizard. That doesn’t use magic…

The other ponies said something about, about… buckball. And Snails… Snails was really good at it. Snails liked being good at things he’d never heard of before. It made him, made him feel all warm inside.

Nah, I’m just kidding. It’s the Grass making him feel all warm inside.

Snails smiles—you don't even need me at this point, you know what it looks like—and says some chill stuff cuz Snails is chill, you know? They want him to… to catch more red things on purpose. With a bigger basket. Woah.

Snails waits for a moment when the others are dialoguing and takes another puff. He can… he can do this. He just… just needs to empty his mind. Empty his mind of everything except his name, and, and how to catch red things. Apples.

Orange mare kicks the red things and… it ain’t even a challenge for Snails, you know. He just catches them. Like, there’s no other way to describe it… without using synonyms, anyway. He just catches them.

Orange mare approves of his apple catching… skills… prowess, and puts him on the team. Like, Snails is the team. Along with… other ponies. Like, pink mare and yellow mare.

Ah, that, that pink mare. Snails remembers her good. She was never chill. She was like… anti-chill.

Her alligator, though… maaaan. He was so chill, and, and deep. Sometimes, he said the craziest things, you know? It was like… he had it all figured out, and Snails… Snails was just lucky to be in his presence. So lucky.

Yellow mare was… yellow. And… she could fly. Holy shit.

Snails can handle this. He may be slow but… slow and steady wins the race. Only this isn’t a race.

Yeah.

Snails lays back in his train seat and… and lights another one.

He smiles a big ol’ victory smile—you know what I’m talking about—and takes a big ol’ victory puff.

They did it, man. They… they cured cancer, or… or won the buckball game, or something. Snails has trouble remembering things sometimes, you know how it is. It was one or the other, or something.

Snails likes making new friends, you know? The others actually seemed… seemed to like him. He knows a good friend listens and, and supports their friends, and Snails was real good at listening, you know? Like, he could listen all day to other ponies’ problems, you know? It’s… it’s a good reminder that… Snails has it so easy.

His friends, his old friends you know, knew what he was talking about. Snips… Snips was a good friend. But—Don’t tell Snips this, but, but Snails always thought Snips was… he thought Snips was a little dumb. Like, Snips was… Snips was okay to hang with and graze with, but… he was just so, so clingy. Clingy and dependant, you know? Like, Snips acted as if… as if he couldn’t function without Snails around to guide him. Followed him everywhere, and… how annoying is that? It almost got him down sometimes. Almost.

Snails just had to… had to push Snips away sometimes, you know how it is. He knew… he knew it was the right thing to do in the short… in the long run. Snips would be a better pony without… that kind of dependency.

Treehugger, though. Whenever Treehugger showed up in town, they got lit. Like, turn-up, 420, blaze it, you know? Like, so lit, it was legit.

They had… had soooo much fun together. One time, they… did that thing at that place, and and another time, they... um… uh… Snails has trouble remembering things sometimes, okay? Whatever it was they did, he was… he was sure it was a good time. Yeah.

Snails looks out the window, and watches the… the beautiful countryside go by. So pretty. Sometimes remembering things just… distracts you from what’s important, you know? Like just enjoying the moment. Enjoying nature. Life. Why look to the past when the present is all you can ever see?

Snails takes another puff. That was… he was really channeling the alligator there, man. He must have been rubbing off on him. Mottling, or whatever crocodiles do. That was… that was really profound, whatever he just said. It… the parable… haiku… Snails has trouble remembering things sometimes.

Oh well. Sometimes… sometimes it was just better not to think at all, you know? Makes things easier.

Snails glances back at the others. Rainbow mare was… speaking to him. Talking in his general direction. Pink mare starts speaking even louder and, and jumps in that anti-chill way. Snails listens because that's what good friends do. He nods to let them know he’s listening.

She stops talking and turns back to the others. See? Snails can listen to other ponies. At least… he listened to to half of it after he turned back from the window. And… and sometimes he didn't pay attention to the words they said. But that's not important. Listening is the thing that really matters.

Purple mare always said friendship was… friendship was magic. Snails always thought magic was magic, but… but maybe purple mare had a point. He felt all warm and fuzzy inside, and maybe, just… just maybe that was the warmth of friendship. Lighting his soul on fire.

Snails levitates the blunt out and… and takes another puff. Woah! There’s that warm feeling again! Maybe… maybe Friendship and, and the Grass.... were correlated.

Yes. This was… this was the Grass’s way of telling Snails that… that the other’s were his friends now. It had to be…

Snails smiles—a big, big, big smile (but not too big, hehe)—and takes a celebratory drag. This really called for a… a celebration. You gotta celebrate the big… the little things in life, you know? Snails was all about celebrating the little things.

He knows just what to bring too. Tehe.

Munchie, munchie, munchie.

Snails has the munchies, man. And when Snails has the munchies, he’s gotta eat. Eat food… preferably.

Munchie, munchie, munchie.

Snails might have to start munching the… the reserves soon. He was saving those for the others, but they… they haven't showed up yet. They probably got distracted or delayed or something. It happened to Snails allllllll the time, you know? That’s okay. He can celebrate on his own until they show up. Celebrate his friends…

Munchie, munchie, munchie.

The cake was sweet. Real sweet. Sweeter than the… than the hayburgers, that was for sure. The hayburgers were greasy, but… but good. Maybe food and taste were… were correlated.

Snails smiles and… puts the hayburger down. So he can pick up his blunt.

He takes half a puff this time, man. You know, he has to… has to conserve his supply for when the others get here. Half a puff now, half a puff later, half a puff in between makes… it makes a full puff for Snails. Spread out over minutes or hours or minutes. Just like Time.

Besides, Snails has got to… gotta keep eating.

Munchie, munchie, munchie.

Snails sees some lights off in the distance. Pretty lights. He can see some… some noise emanating from the lights too. Such a nice smell. Snails wishes he could taste the lights and noise.

Munchie, munchie, munchie.

The hayburgers are all gone. Huh, that’s… that’s weird. Snails can’t remember where they went. Someone… somepony must have stolen them!

Snails frowns—it’s the opposite of a smile in case you have a hard time imagining it—and casually scans his surroundings. The hillside was quiet. Much too quiet. There be… there be mischief afoot. Snails didn’t want them to know that he knew, so he played it cool, you know? Cool as rainbow mare.

Munchie, munchie, munchie.

Had to keep eating. It was the only way… only way the food would be safe. Snails had to eat it before the thief. It was the only way.

Munchie, munchie, munchie.

Marshmallows, daisy sandwiches, hay fries, cider, quesadillas… mmm, cheese.

Snails noticed something. The, the more food he ate, the, the less food there was left. But… no matter how much he seemed to eat… he… he couldn’t quite seem to get full. Always just a little more room. Always just a little empty inside.

Munchie, munchie, munchie.

Snails stops munching.

Maybe… maybe the thief needs the food more than Snails. Snails thinks he’s… had enough. Somewhere the food and, and taste lost correlation. It all tasted the same. He just needs to clear his mind and… and forget about the hunger.

Snails pulls out the blunt and takes the other half a puff. The lights and noise in the distance are… are pulsing now. They seem to be coming from… from Apple mare’s barn.

Hmm. That’s… Snails wonders what’s going on there.

Oh well, that’s not… that’s down there and Snails is up here. Snails has got to wait here. Wait for… for… somebody. Someponies. Snails has trouble remembering things sometimes.

That’s okay. Snails is real good at waiting. Whoever he’s waiting for probably… probably got distracted. It happened to Snails all the time, you know?

Snails pulls out another blunt and… and lights it up. He can still watch the lights from here. From this hill so… so high above everything. Tehe. High.

The food is… it’s getting cold now. About as cold as food can get on a warm night. What’s left of it anyway…

Snails is, is still waiting. Waiting on something. Thinking of nothing. Enjoying… Life…

The thief is… still around. Snails never sees him but he notices the lack of food where there was food a short time before it disappeared.

Snails actually kinda… kind of likes having the thief around, you know? Snails likes the… the silent company. He’d offer the thief a blunt if he could catch a glimpse of him.

No matter. Even if the thief… didn’t exist… went away… Even if the thief went away, Snails still had the Grass. The Grass was… is always there for him.

Snails smiles and looks down at the… the small blunt he’s levitating, but it’s… it’s almost, gone. He thinks about pulling out another one, but… his, his thinking breaks his… not thinking streak and it gets him thinking, you know?

What if… what if he’s just, using the Grass to, you know, escape from his problems? Like, instead of overcoming, overconquering the… the challenges life throws at him, and to grow as a pony, Snails is just… just stunting his growth. Stunting it like the stunted blunt. Chasing that high because… because he forgot what it was like to feel low…

And that scares him, man. Scares him so much that… you don’t even know, you know?

Snails chuckles and lights another one. Nah man, he just likes getting high. He ain’t about that… that philosophical lifestyle. Why think when… when not thinking causes less problems, you know? Yeah. You can quote him on that. That’s his philosophy.

Nope. Snails is… Snails is perfectly happy where he is. Who he is.

You know.

Snails smiles and sits back, enjoying the beautiful night.

Enjoying the beautiful stars…