Two Guys, A Bird, and a Pony Place

by PuzzlingInsanity

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Comedy, Crossover, Slice of Life
Length: 1460

The Huhnmörder men and the Chicken find themselves in Equestria following an altercation. Can they make it back to their home?

The Huhnmörder men and the Chicken find themselves in Equestria following an altercation. Can they make it back to their home?

Robot Chicken/MLP crossover

Sex tag is for flirty Rarity making innuendos and trying to fuck the two humans, gore tag is for the Mad Scientist helping Pinkie make some new pastries

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-11-05 14:00:26 UTC

Being Dumped

Meeting the Mane Six

After the light faded, the bird shook his head and clucked, "Beh? Bawk bah?"

The three misfits looked around, taking in their surroundings. Junior spotted a lavender alicorn trotting toward them and groaned, "Aw, great. We're in Ponyville."

Twilight Sparkle smiled warmly and extended a hoof. She asked, "Who are you three?"

Junior huffed, "Well, lady, if you must know, I'm Junior Huhnmörder; that's my dad, Fritz; and that's his abomination, Robot Chicken."

The alicorn's eyes lit up. "Fritz Huhnmörder? The scientist who invented the leafsucker and created a cure for hoof rot? That Fritz Huhnmörder?"

The older male nodded in affirmation and stuck out his hand. He shook the pony's hoof and lifted himself up.

"I am a huge fan of your work! I even have a copy of your autobiography, Tears Behind My Smile! Oh my gosh, I have to have you sign it!" She pulled a book and a marker out of her saddlebag and levitated them over to him with her magic. She squeed as he took the marker and scribbled his signature onto the cover. "Thank you so much, Mr. Huhnmörder! This means all of Equestria to me!"

"GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!"

A cyan pegasus with a prismatic mane and tail headed straight for them... and then she stopped. "What gives, egghead?" She was enveloped in Twilight's magic.

"You are NOT running into these people! This is one of my favorite authors and scientists, Fritz Huhnmörder, and his creations." She let the pegasus down gently and released her.

"You mean the guy with the blue eyes and the moose knuckle, or the guy with the eye socket and the metal parts?" Rainbow Dash asked.

Junior looked down at his shorts and blushed furiously, covering his crotch as best he could.

"The cybernetic human, Rainbow," Twilight snapped, jabbing a hoof into Rainbow's side.

"Oh. Then who's the other human? His boyfriend?"

"His son."

Rainbow Dash's eyes went wide and she busted out laughing.

"Please excuse Rainbow Dash; she's never been around humans before."

"N-no, it's fine," Junior stuttered, still extremely embarrassed about the moose knuckle thing.

"Buk bugawk bah?" Robot Chicken asked, noticing a white unicorn with eyeshadow sauntering toward them.

Rarity smiled at the two humans and winked. She purred, "Oh, human men! I've seen some of that weird human porn before... how about you two come back to my boutique for..." She turned and lifted her tail, revealing a pristine white pussy with a little bit of pink. "...some fun?"

Fritz pointed to his left ring finger and shook his head no. Junior stood there as his blush deepened, turning his face an intense shade of red. He stammered, "Uh, uh, uh... I... I... I... um..."

The older man drove his left fist into his son's crotch, making the younger Huhnmörder scream in pain and drop to his knees, holding his groin area. Twilight immediately levitated the boy onto her back and rushed off to the library.

The unicorn turned back around and batted her eyelashes at the older man. "What your wife doesn't know won't hurt her, right?"

Fritz shook his head again and left for the colorful building with a sign that said "Sugarcube Corner", leaving Rarity astonished. "That is one faithful husband."

He stepped into the bakery and nearly had a heart attack when a pink earth pony jumped out at him. "WOW! A REAL HUMAN! YoulookfunnyMisterwhatswithallthemetalpartsareyouamanfromthefutureorsomethingohmygoshyourethatguyfromthatonetvshowarentyoubutyouarentwearingthateyepa--"

The cyborg clamped a hand over Pinkie Pie's mouth and listened intently. He heard muffled moans in the basement of the establishment. Looking at the pink party pony, he gently released her muzzle and pointed down toward the basement.

Pinkie's New Playmate

"You really wanna know what's down there? Well..." Pinkie whispered, "I make pastries out of ponies when their number comes up. If you don't tell anypony, you can help if you want to."

Fritz nodded yes and tiptoed downstairs with Pinkie. His robot eye scanned the basement and found a purple earth mare strapped to a table.

"Hiya, Berry! I brought a new friend to help me! He's famous!"

"H-help me..." Berry replied weakly.

Pinkie turned to Fritz and asked, "Do you want to make something on your own?"

The madman pulled a black chainsaw seemingly out of nowhere and nodded enthusiastically. He approached the whimpering mare and pulled the cord on the chainsaw, filling the basement with a roar as the machine started.

"N-no... no... p-please... I have a filly..." Berry Punch sobbed as the blade's teeth approached her right front hoof. Her tears were quickly replaced with loud shrieks of excruciating pain as he he cut through fur, flesh, muscle, and finally bone. Turning the chainsaw off, he set it down, turned the fingers on his robotic hand into serrated blades, and cut into her chest with surgical precision. Once he had cut her chest cavity open, he cut away the veins and arteries keeping her heart in her chest, turned his robotic fingers back to normal, and gently removed her still-beating heart.

"Ooh, can I have her leg?" Pinkie asked, clapping her hooves. She laughed as Fritz threw the severed leg her way.

He laughed maniacally and squeezed the heart like a stress ball, draining the blood into a jug and putting the empty husk in a satchel.

Pinkie Pie sniffed the jug of blood and scrunched her nose. "It needs something sweet."

The psychopath thought about it for a moment, then snapped his fingers and pulled out a bag of cane sugar and a bottle of Bacardi. He took a swig from the bottle and poured the rest into the jug along with some cane sugar. Pointing to Pinkie, he grabbed a cork and secured the contents of the jug. He made a gesture like he was shaking something. Pinkie took the jug in her hooves and shook it like crazy until she was sure that the blood, rum, and sugar were mixed properly.

"Here ya go!" Pinkie chirped, giving the jug back to Fritz, "I'll go get some cups!" The party pony bounced upstairs, leaving the human in the basement with the lifeless body of the mare.

He didn't have to wait long. Pinkie came back with two cups and set them down on the work table. He took out the cork and carefully poured a small amount into each cup.

"Cheers!" laughed Pinkie Pie before they sampled the concoction. Fritz let the macabre cocktail sit in his mouth for a moment before swallowing, then nodded in satisfaction. The pink mare smiled even more and chuckled, "This is really good! Family recipe?"

The deranged doctor nodded yes and waved goodbye before leaving. He left something on the door to the bakery and cleaned himself off. Making sure he was free of blood, he walked out of the confectionery and headed for the library.

The Argument

"Aw, come on, Dad! You can't love your youngest daughter more than your oldest son!" Junior Huhnmörder whined, his sapphire eyes beginning to mist over.

Fritz Huhnmörder simply gave his 19-year-old son the finger, then pointed to his empty eye socket. His nostrils flared in anger as he growled through his teeth. He gestured toward the cybernetic fowl to add a few words.

"Bawk babawk, buk bugawk, bubwak bah!" Robot Chicken clucked angrily, accusingly pointing a wing at the boy in the tight blue booty shorts.

Junior got over his hurt feelings and proceeded to lunge at his father, only to be met by a push from the latter. He fell to the ground. Reaching for the table, he accidentally pressed a button and a huge burst of light enveloped the three.

Can I Have a Drink?

Junior's Apples

At the library, Junior was on the couch, in a fetal position with his hands on his crotch. Tears streamed down his face as he laid there in agony over his poor balls.

Twilight asked, "Junior, do you want an ice pack?"

Junior squeaked and nodded yes.

"Spike, can you get our guest an ice pack, please?"

A baby dragon appeared with a blue ice pack. "You're gonna have to hold this to the place where it hurts," Spike informed the human.

Junior took the ice pack and pressed it against his aching crotch. "Th-thank... you..."

The door swung open and in came Fritz. He made a series of gestures that vaguely translated into How do we get back home?

"I know a teleportation spell that might work," grinned Twilight Sparkle.

The Chicken ran in and clucked frantically. He held up a sign that read:

I just got the shit scared out of me by a big red stallion, an orange mare, and a yellow filly!

"Oh, you've met the Apple family!" Twilight laughed.

THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!