Spike's New Hobby

by deadpansnarker

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Changelings
Length: 3777

Spike discovers he has a bizarre new fetish, and wants the Mane 6 to participate in this 'special' interest. Unfortunately, everypony else just finds it absolutely disgusting. An affectionate parody of a slightly contentious genre of fic.

Spike discovers he has a bizarre new fetish, and wants the Mane 6 to participate in his new special interest.
Unfortunately, everypony else just finds it absolutely disgusting.

An affectionate parody of a slightly contentious genre of fic. Hope you enjoy... :) OOCness and meta jokes beware... you have been warned!

Published 2016-11-06 16:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-11-06 16:10:01 UTC

Spike's Special Cream

"T-Twilight?" Spike asked hesitantly as he wandered into the Map Room, a sheepish look present on his face, while holding a soft, white garment in his right claw and a medicinal tube of something or other in his left.

"What is it, Spike?" Twilight didn't turn to look at her numero uno assistant as she normally would, ensconced as she was in the middle of deliberations as to what the new species of multi-coloured creatures descended from the changelings that had evolved the other day, thanks to Starlight's meddling, should be called. "Hmm... Rainbow Luvvies? Rainbow Sweethearts? Something to do with Rainbows, that doesn't end in 'Dash', and isn't already trademarked ..."

"I don't know. Doesn't that sound sort of... undignified?" Starlight Glimmer was also in the room, and looked at her mentor with a quizzical eye. "I mean, they were love-stealing, insectoid monsters not so long ago, bent on taking over all of Equestria... doesn't it seem a bit of a stretch to expect them to be all cutesy-poo all of a sudden?"

"Nonsense, oh student of mine..." Twilight gave her pupil a slightly patronising smile. " I mean, look at you! It was barely a year ago that you were the merciless dictator of a small hamlet, and trying to destroy the world. Now, thanks to one minor little friendship problem in your childhood, you're everypony's favourite special snowflake! Well, apart from Sunset S..."

"Don't even breathe that name to me!!" Starlight quickly popped both of her hooves in her ears and hummed 'My Town' loudly to block out the pronounciation of her hated rival. "She'll always be a cheap copy of me, not the other way around!! No matter what you say!!"

"...Yes." Twilight raised an eyebrow at Starlight's childish tantrum, and by the time the overpowered unicorn got to the second verse, she realised her student would be staying in her private world, where alliterated orange ponies didn't exist, for quite a while.

"C-can I tell you now, Twi?" Spike was determined to take advantage of the lull in proceedings, and anxiously tugged at the alicorn's tail to get her attention.

"Fine, fine..." Twilight sighed, before turning to the little dragon with a genial grin. " So, what can I do you for today, then? Need me to conjure up some rubies for you to munch on? Help you find your long-lost stash of comic books? Or lend you a bucket so you can pick up all the scales you've been shedding of late? I understand it's your time of the month, but..."

"No, no. Nothing like any of that..." Spike waved his claws furiously in protest. "I actually need your... help with something. It's... kinda personal, and pretty embarrassing. If you don't wanna do it, that's fine... I just thought, seeing as how you're the pony I trust most in the world, perhaps you could understand where I'm coming from..."

"Oh, Spike!" Twilight immediately set about hugging the surprised dragon tightly with both her hooves and wings. "Nothing you could ever say to me would make me think any less of you! You're talking to somepony who's seen you grow from a simple hatchling, to the key aide to a Princess that you are today! I don't keep any secrets from you, and I would be honoured if you felt the same way! So come on, spit it out! I'm all ears!"

"O-okay... here goes..." Spike awkwardly squirmed his way out of Twilight's firm grasp, before clearing his throat to continue. "Ever since I was a baby dragon, I get the feeling I've... missed out on certain things in my life. You see, even though I've always had you around to boss me around, which is absolutely fine by the way, no problems there whatsoever, you won't be hearing from my union again anytime soon, honest..."

"Glad to hear it..." Twilight said, amusingly. "Somepony should have told you that labour laws don't apply to reptiles. Your first mistake was signing that lifetime contract with me, when you were just a little lizard. Some ponies call it 'modern day slavery', I simply describe it as 'not reading the small print'."

"Y-yes well, that's water under the bridge now..." Spike commented unconvincingly through gritted teeth. He had to maintain a cool head for this to work. "What I was attempting to imply was, I don't believe I got all the mothering a young dragon at the age I was should legitimately expect. While most baby drakes were having their tummies tickled and being told bedtime stories, I was rushing around picking up the latest Daring-Do novel for you, or acting as a guinea pig for your peculiar magical experiments. I must be the only dragon in existence who's been set on fire by a pony far more than members of his own race! If the fellows found out that little tidbit, I'd never be able to show my face in the Dragon Lands ever again!"

"Ah yes, those were the days..." A nostalgic Twilight, oblivious to Spike's suffering as usual, stared wistfully into nothingness for a moment. "Anyway, we can't go back in time , so we have no choice but to move forward, I suppose..."

"Wait a sec..." Spike looked the princess in confusion, forgetting his own desires for a minute. "Don't you remember what happened twelve months ago? With our 'musical' friend over there?"

He pointed at a still raucously singing Starlight, who had now moved her repertoire onto another hit... "BECAUSE YOUR FRIENDS ARE ALWAYS THERE FOR YYOOUU..." She screeched, while bashing her head against the table.

"Oh, don't mind her..." Twilight glanced briefly at the gibbering unicorn as if such unseemly outbursts were a common occurrence. "She gets like that sometimes. One of the side effects of being weened off her megalomania, I guess. Anyway, I don't wish to discuss the subject of time travel. Not only did it almost destroy the universe, it was indirectly responsible for messing up my mane, burning my retina and giving me a lump the size of an egg on my head... No jokes please! I'm sure you recall the after-effects of your little ice cream orgy, too!"

"Don't I ever. I'm not touching a bowl of the frozen stuff ever again!" Spike balked at the memories of the two-day long tummy ache he suffered after Twilight's brush with her 'future' self. "B-but it's funny you should mention that, as what I have to ask you about involves a different sort of cream..."

"Huh? How so?" Twilight's interest was piqued, and she narrowed her brow in anticipation of hearing the reply.

Alright Spike, he breathed in deep, this is it, cards on the table. "B-basically, you're the closest thing to a female parent I've ever had, which is why I'm asking you to do this... very personal thing for me. It's been a growing fixation of mine for a while now, and I simply cannot ignore the urge any longer. I'd also like to keep it just between us, if you know what I mean..."

"S-sure Spike, whatever you say..." Twilight stammered in response, partly in confusion at the cryptic nature of Spike's request, but also out of concern for Starlight Glimmer, who had now taken to scraping her hooves against the wall eerily, while cackling like a mad mare.

"O-okay, then... here goes nothing. Twilight, I want you to..."

"Yes?"

"Take this cotton diaper with the picture of a cute lizard on it..."

"What?"

"...And strap me in it. I'm also gonna require for you to burp me, throw me repeatedly in the air, place me in a small confined environment known as a 'cot' and spoon-feed me mashed-up jewels, all while calling out 'My Precious Lickle Spikey-Wikey' loudly in a simpering voice. Then of course, later on, I'll need a change..."

"C-change? W-where else do you want to go?"

"No, I meant I'll need a fresh, new diaper! You don't expect me to crawl around all day in my own filth, do you? Because that would make you a bad mother, and somepony might call the social services! Now, to the part about the cream..."

"Spike, you're perfectly capable of going to the bathroom on your own. Also, you don't need to 'crawl' anywhere, you have a perfectly functionable pair of legs to walk around on! Okay, maybe you can't fly yet, but I'm sure you'll grow into it! As for the other stuff you mentioned, I don't know what's going through your head, when you want me to do such silly things..."

"It's called fantasy role-play, Twilight! I become the baby, and you become my mother! I thought you said you'd understand! Anyway, back to the cream..."

"Well, sorry Spike, the truth is I don't understand. You're a fully independent adult, who saved the Crystal Empire and helped us see that A Changeling Can Change. But one thing I will not change is your poopy diapers. Or participate in any of that other foalishness. I've examined your proposal from every conceivable angle, and the only possible solution I can devise is serious mental help. Fortunately, I specialise in that too. Is 5:30 next Thursday practical for you?"

"...Can I talk about the cream, at the meet-up?"

"....No."

"Ah, forget it.." Spike stomped his foot petulantly, before walking out of the room in a huff. "I'll find my own mother, then. I only hope you never know the pleasure of feeling completely vulnerable to a caring authoritarian figure, while suckling on milk wearing a full, mushy diaper. I'll show myself out, while I still have my dignity intact."

As an open-mouthed Twilight watched her top assistant leave to indulge his weird new interest, Starlight, who had by now fully recovered from her fit of jealousy/nervous breakdown, trotted alongside the alicorn to gaze after his departure.

"I hope that young grasshopper finds whatever he's looking for..." Starlight spoke in a mythical tone. "Still, I gotta say... what a nutjob. It's gonna be uncomfortable sleeping under the same roof as someone who's into that kind of shizz. And I thought walking in on him flexing his tiny pecs in that mirror was embarrassing enough..."

"Hey, hold on there..." Twilight suddenly broke out of her self-induced trance, to turn around and chastise her student. "Spike's new hobby might be slightly odd, some, including me, may even say stark-raving bonkers. I don't think you have too much to moan about, though! How would you feel if he said he didn't fancy sharing a castle with somepony who very nearly made every lifeform on Equestria extinct forever, just because one of her friends left her behoof?!"

"E-er u-um..." Starlight blushed slightly, unable to come up with a viable answer to that. "A-anyway, why are we still talking about this? Let's get back to what we were discussing before... what about Rainbow Rascals for the new line, Twilight?"

"I thought you said you didn't like alliterative names, Starlight?"

"That depends if they're any threat to my popularity, Twilight. From what I've seen and heard of these new beasties, I get the feeling they're going to flop. And flop hard, so I don't really care."

"Oh, Starlight... whatever are we going to do with you?"

"Put me in a future spin-off after cancellation?"

"No."

"Aw..."

...............................................................................................................

Spike kicked the ground angrily while seated on a felled tree, the dust getting in his eyes and causing him to sneeze.

He'd tried, he'd really, really, tried to get any of his friends to participate in his depraved fantasy, but none of them wanted anything to do with it, shockingly enough.

Applejack had told him in no uncertain terms that he was acting crazier than when he'd devoted his life to her after that whole unfortunate Timberwolf incident. "Besides, I had to put up with enough of that kinda hooey when Apple Bloom was a real young 'un. Now, git."

Dash thought the whole idea was hysterical, until he discovered Spike was serious. So, the pegasus got busy emptying a full raincloud onto the dragon's head in her own words, "To cleanse his dirty mind", before flying off, muttering something about being cooped up in that massive castle all alone half the time being enough to drive anypony insane.

Fluttershy hadn't been anything like as brusque, instead politely declining because, as she put it "I have enough animals to muck out without adding to my workload. Still, thank you for the offer." He'd also noticed Angel giving him the stink eye as he left... he always did suspect the bunny had the same fetishistic interest in being dominated by a soft voiced, larger, deceptively tough pony as represented by the yellow pegasus. Darn it, if only I'd gotten there first. That lucky little...

Pinkie Pie was for him the most likely option, due to her sterling work with the Cake Twins, but even she'd turned him down on the spot. "Sorry, no can do. I have lots of orders to fill, and can't do with washing my hooves every few seconds to assist you in your weird pastime. Gummy will help you, though! All you have to do is look him in the eye, and ask real nice!" Spike had taken one side-glance at the statuesque alligator, before leaving.

And he got the impression that Rarity would never feel the same way about him again. Whatever smouldering remains of a crush that might have lingered in her inner psyche were well and truly over, anyway. The second he'd raised the subject of fecal and urine smeared diapers, she'd fainted right onto her ubiquitous couch. Then, after recovering, she'd chased him halfway across Ponyville in utter revulsion. Levitating a sharp needle. Still with the thread attached. Right into the heart of the Everfree forest.

He hadn't even gotten to the best part with any of them. The bit about the cream, naturally.

There he now sat, eyes itching, his nose all tingly, feeling thoroughly sorry for himself. "Is my new hobby really that horrible?" He spoke aloud miserably, while wiping the last of the dirt from his sockets. "I mean, it's not like it actually hurts anypony. What's wrong with wanting to be babied by an attentive, undiscriminating adult? Surely there must be somepony out there willing to be my adoptive mother..."

"Who dares awaken me from my slumber?!" A creepy whispered voice could be heard coming from the nearby bushes suddenly, ruining the tranquil atmosphere and causing all the nearby wildlife to evict the premises in a hurry.

"W-who's there?!" Spike inquired nervously, ready to drop a load there and then out of sheer terror, diaper or no diaper.

"Why it's only lil 'ol me... Queen Chrysalis!!" A darkened shape rose from the ground, blocking out Celestia's sun and leaving Spike in complete blackness for a moment. Once the lights had been turned back on, there she was in all her evil majesty, regarding the tiny dragon with a contemptuous eye.

"So this is where you've been hiding out!" Spike yelled upwards, scowling at his unwelcome visitor, too upset to really be afraid. "Twilight's been looking everywhere for you, she wants you to stand pride of place in her new collection of Rainbow Pony action figures! Also, I do believe Starlight wants a word... her first attempt at a Heel Face Turn speech failed horribly, and now she's going insane wanting a second chance to convert you..."

"Pffff... I don't care about any of that!" Chrysalis laughed manically, causing some of the trees and blooms around her to wither and die in recognition of her sheer wickedness. "I've been out here building a super-secret army since my fellow changelings betrayed me. and I can honestly say I'm nearly ready to take back the castle. I've had requests to join forces with me from all over, and soon the world shall be mine again from your tyrannical ponies overlords. We'll stand strong together... a band of brothers... an unstoppable alliance..."

"Ooh, scary..." Spike remarked, skeptically. "Tell me Great One, how many have you enlisted so far in this 'huge' battalion of yours?"

"One million..."

"...What?!"

"Mice."

"...Oh."

"What's the matter with you?! Why aren't you shaking, quivering, spewing your guts on the ground out of sheer terror?" Chrysalis snarled at the dragon, swooping down to meet him all of sudden.

"Well, yeah..." The dragon scratched the back of his head, while trying to think of a nice way to let the poor, deluded, fallen royal down gently. "I suppose they are kind of annoying, when they crawl all over you. And the way they raid the food larder at night, most impolite. Also when they gently nip your fingers when you're handling them poorly..."

"That's it, I've heard enough..." Chrysalis realised then she'd made a terrible mistake, and took that opportunity to take decisive action. "You're all fired, and don't expect any payment. Nope, not even one crumb of cheese. Now, go away, and leave us in peace."

A mass squeaking could suddenly be heard, as multitudes of disappointed rodents made their displeasure known about being treated so shabbily, as they moved off into the depths of the forest, causing quite a kerfuffle in their stampede.

"You know, I wish I had an army of bootlickers all as loyal as you..." Chrysalis sadly commented, as she fluttered down to sit beside Spike on his log. "All my children abandoned me a moment's notice. All it took was a bit of free love to be put on the menu, and puff! They were away. Don't they understand... it's not the eating part that satisfies, it's the hunt, the disguising yourself as someone else, getting involved in their life so none of their associates would ever be able to tell the difference. Now that's gone, all gone, forever..."

Despite their previous minor differences, Spike couldn't help but feel pity for the winged monster on the verge of tears adajacent to him. "Oh, don't be like that, Chryssie!!" He said encouragingly, giving her gnarled hoof a gentle pat. "There's a place in modern Equestria for everypony, even a bulbous freak like you!"

"Ya... ya really think so?" Chrysalis wiped away a stray tear, while glancing at the compassionate dragon trying to solace her. "Thank you for saying that! It's almost enough for me to forgive you for turning my entire clan against me, when you befriended that traitor Thorax! I hope your mistress realises just how lucky she is having you around..."

"Actually, no..." Spike answered with a frown. "Twilight won't even do me this one small favour, after all the thankless back-breaking service I've given, too! Talk about ingratitude!"

"And what might that be, if I may permeate deeper?" Chrysalis asked with genuine interest, now that she'd established a rapport with the dragon.

"All I want her to do is pretend to be my mother for a little while... Is that really too much for her?" Spike snarled, as the red mist descended over his slit eyes. " I've taken care of her needs for years, what's wrong with wanting a bit of affection in return? To be cared for? Nourished? To be treated like one of the family?"

"Oh, my poor Spikey-Wikey, absolutely nothing..." Chrysalis spoke sympathically, as she wrapped her larger form around the dragon's desolate one. "And there was me thinking I was the sad one, you've got much more grounds to be depressed than I have. You mean to tell me... you never had a proper upbringing, with adoration, support and the pleasure of sucking your first victim dry of any and all trace of love?"

"Well, yeah... apart from that last one, which I didn't really miss..." Spike looked bemused for a moment, before returning to his constant state of malaise. "I just wish one pony 'round here would agree to be my female parent for a little while, to engage in various activities with me, then my curiosity will be sated forever, and I can carry on being a hapless lickspittle until the day I die..."

"You know... I could be your mother..."

Chrysalis's offer came so out of the blue, so far beyond left field, that Spike nearly fell off his log in amazement. "You'd do... WHAT?!"

The former Changeling queen smiled genuinely at Spike's astonished reaction. "Well, I have sired plenty of children in my time, and I've never heard any complaints. Perhaps mainly because I threatened to eat all objectors there and then, but I doubt it. Now that my brood has 'flown the nest' so to speak, and I'm left here all alone, we could keep each other company! I could show you what it means to have a warm, maternal presence in your life, and in exchange you could pledge your undying fealty to me by ceding secret information on those blasted ponies! Then, after we've taken our terrible revenge by utterly destroying them, we can rule Equestria together, and..."

Spike, still caught up in his crazy dream of finally having his every sordid whim catered to, abruptly snapped out of his revelry. "...What was that last part, again?"

Realising that certain aspects of her plan were better kept under wraps for now, Chrysalis quickly retracted her words. "N-never mind. Just unimportant stuff. Nothing for you to worry about..."

"Oh, you mean like the 'unimportant' stuff on the contract Twilight made me sign when I was merely an infant, that indebted me to a life of servitude?" Spike was definitely not going to fall for that little wheeze again. "I knew I should have bought a magnifying glass with me that day..."

"E-erm, s-so anyway..." Chrysalis sweat for a minute, trying to move the discussion on. "What would you like me to do first? Massage your scales? Rock you to sleep? Sing to you? You know, despite my fearsome reputation and appearance, I do have a tender touch and a lovely voice..."

"Maybe later..." Spike, after waiting so long for this precise moment, was eager to get to the good stuff. "First, I want to talk about this thing with you..."

"Well, what is it, my soon-to-be son?"

"It's about this cream..."

Author's Note

I can honestly say I had more fun writing this story than any other I've ever written on this site!! I hope that enthusiasm passes through onto the writing, but if not, meh... I tried.

Also, yes this fic IS aimed a certain demographic of the fanbase, but I hope they take it in the humoured way it was intended. No offense intended, eh?

I'm off now to heat up my Sunday lunch. Toodles!