The Jerk

by Perception Filter

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Changelings, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Human, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe
Length: 68010

Fallout 3 Crossover

A rewrite is coming soon. Please don't read this how it stands, it's bad.

T for Teen. Violence, and Major swearing. Fallout 3 crossover, because it hasn't been done before.

Published 2012-06-29 19:34:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-05 04:52:24 UTC

Chapter 1

The Jerk
Chapter 1

I walked down the beaten path with my follower and friend Fawkes by my side. I took that moment before we entered Megaton to tell a terrible joke.

"So Fawkes, what's green, tall, ugly as hell, and my best friend?" I said

"Is that supposed to be a joke?" he said with a cocked eyebrow.

"It was supposed to be, but it didn't work out that well. I just don't know what went wrong!" Fawkes seemed bemused by my trademark catchphrase, complete with sarcasm! I took a moment to browse Crazy Wolfgang's wares before I entered the shitty town, purchased a couple stimpacks, and went on my way. I immediately took a left over a pipe to cut towards my house, walked inside and fell down to take a nap.

I awoke exactly when I wanted due to my Pip-boys alarm clock. I walked down the stairs and helped myself to a squirrel on a stick, and waited for Fawkes to wake up. He came down the stairs a few minutes later, and we proceeded outside for our daily sparring session. The first time I had done this, the townsfolk thought I was actually fighting Fawkes and they decided to 'help' me out. Needless to say Fawkes and I had a couple of extra holes, due to their poor aim. I cleared things up with the sheriff, Lucas Sims, and we now sparred every morning to keep in top physical shape.

A few residents had gathered around and were placing bets on who would win today and most fell on me, considering I won the last two matches. I backed to my corner of the 'ring', and I took a crouching position. Fawkes took a different stance than he usually did, and I knew that I had to be on my guard. We circled each other for 5 minutes waiting for the other to make a move when one of the residents watching our fight decided to 'motivate' us.

"Get fighting you dumb bitches!" he shouted, and I turned to look at him in annoyance. I instantly realized my mistake and I quickly turned around to see Fawkes charging me. I immediately crouched, grabbed his legs, and threw him over my shoulder. He hit the ground with a grunt, and he swiped my legs out from under me. Before I could recover, he decided to do an old wrestling move on me. I only knew about it from an old book on hand to hand fighting I found a while ago. He hopped onto the guard rail and jumped down bringing his elbow down onto my stomach. Surprisingly, my head jumped forward from reflex and I headbutted hit temple. He howled and fell over clutching his head.

I got up, and quickly grabbed him in a headlock to try to choke him out. It didn't work. Before I could pull my arm tight around his windpipe he grabbed and it and, using his superhuman strength flung me against the wall of my cabin leaving a sizable dent. He rushed over quickly while I was incapacitated and placed his foot on my neck.

"I win friend." he said with a smug look.

"Yes you do. Now help me up you asshole." Without hesitation he reached down and I grabbed his hand. He hauled me up, and I looked at the crowd that had gathered around gaping at my cabin.

"You got a problem assholes?" I said as I turned around and noticed that the dent had several pieces of shrapnel, and a sizable tear that was just large enough to see into the house. As I the adrenaline wore off, I felt an immense stinging sensation in my back.

"Gahh! GOOD GOD! Oh that hurts! Fawkes hand me a stimpack." I grabbed it out of his hand and jabbed it into my veins. I felt relief from the pain as the wounds slowly healed. I stared at the crowd that was still staring at me, probably wondering how I was still on my feet.

"Hey, assholes! EARTH TO ASSHOLES! Stop starting at me like I'm a goddamned supermodel and get lost!" I said in my sarcastic voice. They grumbled at me, and wandered off. They know I loved them, but it was getting goddamned old. I decided to check out Craterside Supply and see if Moria needed more help on her book. I had started helping her on it when I first left the Vault, and I had left halfway through to find my dad. Bastard had just walked out of the Vault without even leaving a note! Kinda made me feel bad when he died to save me. But the past was the past, and I couldn't dwell on it.

I entered the store and a very vibrant Moria immediately started talking to me.

"Oh hey! It's been awhile. Hey you should finish helping me with the book." she said in her vibrant voice.

"You know me, always working to help some weird asshole!" I said. The first time I met her my 'way of speech' had caught her off guard. She thought I was serious and I had to cheer her up. Good god, she was so depressed I wanted to cut my head off in guilt. Literally! That's how bad I felt. I don't want to make people feel bad or anything. I'm a jerk not a bastard.

"Oh you!" she said, now knowing I wasn't serious.

"So what's next on the list?"

"Well, it's actually the last thing here. I need you to go to the old Robco factory and install this widget that I got from a traveling trader. With it, the place should power up and we could study Pre-war tech!"

"That's it? There isn't a catch were I have to seriously injure myself? No radiation?"

"Nope, just the widget." she said oblivious to my sarcasm. I gripped her in a hug.

"I LOVE YOU!" I said with exaggeration in my voice. At least she noticed that.

"I know dearie! Now get going!" With that Fawkes and I left the store and headed in the direction that was the factory. I checked my map to see how far away it was, and it was one helluva walk.

"GODDAMMIT MORIA!" I yelled into the air.

"What is wrong friend?" Asked Fawkes, wondering what had me worked up.

"It's a whole goddamned days walk to the factory." Fawkes seemed upset too and he let out a dissatisfied grunt to voice it. I turned on the radio and listened to Three Dog rant about 'The Good Fight' on GNR. Eventually, I decided that getting drunk would help the walk go faster. My most favorite song ever began playing. As we walked, I began singing off-key with the singer.

"I don't want to shet the world on fireeeeee! I just want to shtart a flame in your hearrrtttt!" You get the picture. Eventually I fell over from being too drunk and I passed out. Fawkes had decided to pick me up and carry me there. Bless his soul. I was rudely slapped awake and I felt like my head had been smashed by Fawkes repeatedly on a wall. I looked up and saw several skull shaped indentation on the wall. I changed my mind, I hope Fawkes burns in the pits of hell.

I groggily got up and looked around. We were outside the entrance to the factory, and Fawkes was standing over me. I shrugged and walked in. Inside there were several decrepit rusting robots along with a fuckton of radroaches. I calmly went through and stomped each bug on the back and their guts went flying out their heads. We approached a large machine with a terminal sticking out of it and I noticed a hole that was the same size as the widget. I plugged it in, and the screen glowed with life.

I expertly hacked it and found a few files labeled the following.

Basic Operation

Pest Extermination

Total Liquidation

Stress Testing

Project: Dimensions

I tried the first and it came up with *Error*. Skipping it I passed Pest Extermination already knowing its function. I selected Total Liquidation and a message came up.

Total Liquidation has ceased

Thank god for that. I was not in the mood for punching robots all day. I clicked Stress Testing and another entry followed.

*Error*

I shrugged and scrolled down to Project: Dimensions.'Weird name for a project, but whatever.' I clicked it and and something creepy happened.

Now engaging Project: Dimensions

I head a zapping and when I turned around there was a swirling rainbow colored...wall wasn't quite the right word. It felt different than that. I approached it, and cautiously touched it. I instantly began feeling a strong tug on my hand that caught me off guard. As a result it now had my hand, and its pull kept getting stronger. Fawkes realized what was happening and grabbed me and tried to pull back but to no avail. After 5 minutes of struggling my arm was now totally encase in the...thing.

"Goddamn it! LET ME GO YOU GODDAMNED WALL!" I yelled as it slowly sucked me in. Part of the thing touched Fawkes hand and it began pulling him in too.

"My friend, we must let go. We cannot win." he said, using his philosophical voice.

"You know I hate it when you are right, right?" I said mustering a small smile.

"I know friend." he said returning my smile.

"Goodbye man. I always thought of you as the best friend a guy could have."

"You too." and we let go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I awoke in some kind of swamp. With water and everything! I KNOW RIGHT! Anyways, I scrambled out, fearing that it was irradiated but my Pip-Boy wasn't ticking. Cautiously I touched the water, and right-o. It wasn't irradiated. This was getting weirder by the second and I got up only to be greeted by pain hammering my every nerve. Normally my pain tolerance is pretty high, but there was pain EVERYWHERE. I fell over and blacked out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fawkes awoke in a small hut with a fireplace. Lucky Bastard. He got up only to be greeted by the pain that had attacked me. He was made of tougher stuff though and eventually he powered through it. What he saw next, I couldn't believe. I thought he was bullshitting me. He was starting at several technicolor horses.

Chapter 2

The Jerk
Chapter 2

Fawkes stared at the array of multicolored horses before him. Being a man of his...appearance, they didn't assume the best. Apparently they were intelligent as well. Who would have thought that a species that went extinct over 200 years ago was back, multicolored, and intelligent. They turned their backs and began whispering to themselves.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Luna had no idea what the strange creature was doing, or how it got here but it just stared at them. She turned around to talk to Lyra and the others.

"What do you think it is Princess?" asked Lyra

"I don't know, but it looks vaguely familiar." The truth was, Lyra also vaguely recognized the creature. It looked like a human, but there was something wrong with it. Aside from the height and color differences, there was just something...wrong with it.

"Does it? Lyra do you know what it is?" she asked suspicion growing in her voice.

"Yes, I believe it is a human, but there is something off about it. I can't put my hoof on it but there is just something wrong with it."

"Lyra, humans are nothing more than pony tales. But this creature does resemble one. Perhaps it is intelligent."

"I don't think so, it looks like it doesn't even know what we are." said another Pegasus. Suddenly another voice came from behind them.

"Hello, have you seen my friend?" it said, and they froze in shock.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fawkes had finally recovered from the shock of seeing a species that went extinct over 200 years ago, and found his voice.

"Hello, have you seen my friend?" he asked, and they visibly stiffened. They slowly rotated to face him, and he spoke again.

"I don't know if you can understand me, but I need to find my friend." and this time the large purple one spoke up.

"We can understand you." it said in a high pitched voice that suggested that it was a girl.

"Well, do you know where my friend is?"

"I don't know, but I could perchance find him." she said and her horn began glowing. Fawkes took a step back fearing that it was radioactive. So what that he was a super mutant. They didn't like radiation any more than the rest of us. She opened her eyes and began speaking again.

"He is somewhere that way in the swamp." she said with a pointed hand...er hoof.

"Thank you." he said and he walked out to find me. Luna turned to Lyra and spoke again.

"Follow him."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I awoke in the same swamp as before when I had passed out. Shocking right? Anyways, I looked up, and there were trees everywhere. I looked on them dumbfounded. Hey don't give me that look, there were actually trees there. Honest to god trees, and a couple even had apples on them. Looking around, there was all kinds of wildlife moving about. Insects, and smaller wildlife. 'I don't know what the fuck that thing did to my brain, but this is too weird.' I thought as I looked around. I got up and I picked an apple from the tree, decided it couldn't do anymore harm and I ate it. Oh dear god it tasted so good, it was like I was eating a slice of heaven. I really couldn't describe it any other way.

As I was greedily mowing down the apple the bushes rustled behind me and I dropped into a fighting position. What came out of the bushes confused the hell out of me. A small black...thing. It had Swiss cheese for legs, insect wings, and a horn. Oh yea, and insect eyes. What? No why the hell would it actually have Swiss cheese for legs, it was a comparison. Anyways, I was busy staring at the thing in shock when it started talking.

"By order of Queen Chrysalis you are to be arrested and taken to the Canterlot dungeons right away." it said.

"Hey, buddy until I know where the fuck I am, and what I did wrong your Queen can take that arrest warrant and shove it up her ass."

"No one insults the Queen." he said, his speech dripping with rage.

"Well, guess what asshole? Your Queen is the bitch of bitches, and I don't even know her." This didn't sit too well with him and he charged me. He planted his front legs on the ground did a swivel and tried to buck me. Now you thought being kicked in the chest by a Brahmin hurts, you should feel the kick on these things. I flew back a good 10 feet. I got up, ignored the pain and shook my finger at him.

"Now, now. No need to get feisty. Just because your Queen is a bitch doesn't mean you have to be." He charged again, but this time I was ready. I dodged left, and brought my elbow down on his ass, and I felt a bone shattering. Looking down, I learned it wasn't a bone, but his carapace. Well he was pretty insect like. He got up, and his horn started glowing, and I saw a large rock next to him covered in the same light. Oh, and it was floating!

"Really bud? I thought we were having a nice civilized fight here. You didn't have to go and use telekinesis." I said with a large suave smile on my face. This caught him off guard and he dropped the rock. I took this opportunity to charge him. As I approached him, he got into a fighting stance. I spread out my arms as if I were to give him a hug, and he dropped his guard with a confused look on his face. I swung my arms in and hit him where I assumed his temples were with iron fists. The results weren't what I expected. I though he was going to fall on the ground howling in pain, but my fists encountered little resistance, and his head exploded. I felt my fists touch in the center of where his head used to be, and I kept moving and tripped over his body in confusion.

"Well, Jesus man, if you didn't want to hang out you could have said so." I said snickering. I got up and walked away from the corpse leaving it floating there in the water. I walked for about five minutes when I saw a small hut in the distance.

"Hope these guys are nice." I said as I knocked on the door. There were many whispers on the inside, and the door slowly opened to a pair of eyes. They weren't quite right though. Perhaps it was the fact that they were about 200% larger than they should be. They widened in shock at me, and the door slammed quickly. I heard more furious whispering and I got tired of waiting. I reached down, and picked the lock.

'Pathetic Lock.' I thought as I opened the door. As I looked in, I saw several technicolor horses staring at me.

"Next time you are going to have a secret hideout, make sure it has a good lock." I said as they stared at me in shock. I honestly couldn't be surprised at them, because the wasteland some pretty weird shit happens. I couldn't help but laugh at the looks on their faces.

"Hey, assholes? What the hell are you looking at?" I asked. "Is there a goddamned super mutant behind me?" I laughed and turned around to see Fawkes standing over me. He was doing his best menacing look, and I laughed it off.

"Hey asshole, get this. There are horses here, and they are complete dumbasses." I said laughing. I was cut off when a solid punch went right to my jaw and made me crack my neck. Not questioning it, I ducked into a charge and rammed my shoulder into he stomach sending him reeling. I started VATS in an instant, and targeted the weak points on his body. In the blink of an eye, several punches were sent to his stomach, sides, and other vital points and he collapsed. He hit the ground in a flash of green fire, and laying there was one of the black things that I fought a while ago. Except this one was bipedal, and had taken the form of my friend. I walked over and kicked him until he got up. I placed a foot on his neck and started questioning him.

"Where is the fuck is my friend you bastard?" My tone making him wince.

"It is too late, he is already captured."

"WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?" I yelled putting pressure on his neck. By now it started to panic, and he wheezed out the answer.

"Changling...camp...that way." he said pointing in through the swamp. I lifted up my foot and brought it down, caving in his skull. I turned around to see several dumbstruck asshole horses staring at me.

"Well, assholes? You going to help me?"

Other A/N Well, this guy is based off of my character. He has 10 all S.P.E.C.I.A.L skills. Not hacks, just took the almost perfect perk, and then found the Bobble heads. Full 100 unarmed skill. Kick ass.

Chapter 3

The Jerk
Chapter 3

Luna stared in shock as the human brought its hoof (Appendage) down on the changelings head and crushed its skull. He turned around and gave them a questioning look.

"Well, assholes? You going to help me?" Once again she was taken aback by his language. She was about to respond when one of the other ponies spoke up.

"Nopony talks to the princess like that!" he said as he glared at the human.

"Buddy, I honestly don't give a fuck if she is the goddamned president of the shithole that used to be Earth, she can kiss my ass, and I can do whatever the fuck I feel like."

"THAT'S IT!" he yelled, and charged the human. He tried to buck him, but the human did an impossibly fast dodge to the left, and kicked the underside of the ponies stomach. As he did, she heard a sickening crack and a yelp of pain. He fell over clutching his side, trying to breathe.

"Any of you other assholes got a problem with me?" he said, cocking one eyebrow. This time Luna was able to respond first.

"No! We wish no quarrel!" she said in a fast jumble of words.

"That's what I like to hear. Hey, so do you assholes usually just stare at people. or were you raised with manners?" he said addressing the rest of the crowd. They shook their heads no in quick unison.

"Alright, let's get inside. I need a map." and with that, they all proceeded inside. Luna watched as the top heavy looking biped, despite being encased in some sort of white metal armor, gracefully and quickly walked inside. On his side was a small grey rectangular device with a barrel on the end. He was carrying a small pack that hung from his waist, that jingled as he walked. When he reached the door, he stopped and looked at her.

"Hey princess B? Are you coming or would you prefer to stare at my glorious ass all day?" he said. She flinched and blushed as soon as he said that. His only response was to shake his head sigh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fawkes awoke in a dark room surrounded by the kind of horses he had seen earlier. They weren't exactly the same, but the color schemes were pretty much the same. They looked at him with a slight curiosity, but they refrained from making direct eye contact. He heard the door open, and he looked up to see a black creature that had holes in its legs with an insect like body walk in. He pointed to one horse and it instantly began crying. He looked over to it, to see that it was holding a baby in its arms. She cradled the child, and began crawling back in fear. The black insect like creatures horn began to glow, and the baby was wrenched from its grasp.

An evil smile spread over its face as it set the baby pony on the ground and brought its leg up over it. Fawkes saw what was happening and sprang forward with superhuman speed, and punched the insect so hard across the face its jaw broke. The creature took a tumble with the blow, and sprang up and instantly began to restrain him with some wall shackles. He broke out of them with ease, only to have several other pairs wrap around him. There were eventually too many, and he couldn't move. The insect creature fixed its jaw with the 'magic' and began to smile even more sadistically and brought its hoof down on the poor baby.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I entered the small hut, and the room inside was noticeably larger than the outside gave the appearance of. The room was like a fucking stadium! What? No! How the fuck would I know how they did it? Just shut the fuck up and let me tell you the story! Anyways...Oh yea! So I walked in and this place was FUCKING HUGE! Honestly, it's like the house was built into a mountain and they hollowed it out, only the hut was in the middle of a fucking swamp. I looked around, and saw several of the horses training, sparring, etc. etc.

What most struck me about the size of the hut was the fact that the first time I looked in, it was a small hut with a fire going in the center. I honestly had no idea how they made the place so damn large, so stop asking. All the horses that saw me instantly began going on their guard and taking defensive stances around their 'princess'. I ignored them, and kept following her toward a small alcove at the end of the room. Inside was a white, (I can't believe I am saying this) unicorn that was brooding over several charts. He looked up, saw the princess, saluted, saw me, and charged. I was getting tired of this total bullshit so I activated V.A.T.S. and aimed a paralyzing palm shot at what I assumed would be a nerve bundle.

My gambit payed off and the unicorn fell over mid stride, still frozen in a running position. Unfortunately the other ponies thought I was attacking him, and several lulz were taken from me. {Yes, I went there so STFU}. Several shots were aimed at me, and I received a lot of kicks to the stomach, chest, legs, groin, and arms for this. Thanks to my Winterized T-51b Power Armor (minus the helmet. I never liked that damn thing, too hot, and it obscured my vision too much.) I received little damage beyond the usual 'getting the wind knocked out of me.' I walked away from the crowd, who followed me and continually tried bucking me, and I picked up and still frozen white unicorn. I jabbed him several times, and he breathed in with a great gasp, then passed out. The horses backed away as I dropped him and backed away.

"You assholes gonna keep attacking me? I didn't kill him, I just paralyzed him." I said contempt practically dripping off of my voice.

"But he stopped moving!" shouted one in the crowd.

"DING DING DING! We have a winner! Isn't that was paralyzed means! Wait a minute! Don't tell me that you don't know what dumbass or asshole means? Oh god that would be horrible!"

The 'princess' stepped forward, and spoke to me.

"Excuse me? Do you have a name?" she asked timidly. Despite her demeanor I could sense a person on great power under her timid shell.

"Yea, it's John Johnson. But you can-" I was interrupted by a wave of snickers through the crowd. "Hey assholes? You got a problem with my name?" I pointed to a random horse "What the fuck is your name?" I asked

"Orange Specter!" he said proudly.

"Alright Orange Specter. What the fuck does your name mean?" I asked him.

He was taken off guard, and he began sputtering. "Well it means...well....it...it...-"

"Exactly asshole! Not everybody has a cool name like Orange Specter!" I began dancing around imitating those freaks from point lookout. "Hurr! Look at me I'm Orange Specter! Hurr durr! I like to make fun of people!" I stopped and looked at him and he began to cry. Oh god the sight of a pony crying was worse than people. It was like you took everything cute, and made it cry all at once.

"Hey, hey! It's okay, it's okay! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry." I said as I pulled him into a hug. I pulled out of it and looked him in the eye. "I really am sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry, I was just..." What was I trying to do? I had no freaking idea why I decided to single him out and humiliate him in front of everyone.

"I was being an asshole, and I'm sorry." I said, feeling like I was about to cry. Orange Specter hugged me tighter and cried onto my armor. He suddenly pulled away and ran off. I sat there looking at the orange horse that I just humiliated and I felt sadness again. He was probably just a kid, after all he did look pretty young compared to the others. I got up and faced the princess who was looking at me with a look that could rival president Eden. What? Oh my god, FUCK MAN! Do I have to explain everything to you? It was a joke! You know, because he didn't have any facial ex-. You know what FUCK IT! I give up trying to get humor out of you.

She gave me a look of contempt and I finished my statement from earlier.

"You can call me John." She looked at me in disgust and walked away. Great first impressions and I made a kid cry. This was going swimmingly! I approached her from behind and put my arm on her shoulder.

"Listen I really am so-" I was cut off as she bucked me and I flew across the room. She was A LOT stronger than all the other horses. Not many things can lift, let alone launch a man in full power armor. She walked over to me, and glared.

"What you did was inexcusable. That boy, never knew his father or mother. The only thing they ever gave to him was his name. He was taken away from them at birth." She got up and walked away, but this time I made no move to pursue her. I made not attempt to move from my position. I let my head fell back and I stared at the ceiling thinking about what I had done. According to my Pip-Boy, a full day/night cycle had passed before I got up and began to look for the horse that I had hurt.

All the horses that I saw gave me looks of disgusted contempt and walked away. I approached a brown one with a hourglass tattooed on his ass. He glared at me, but allowed me to speak.

"Uh, hey." I said trying to break the ice.

"What do you want?" he said, not bothering to hide his disgust.

"I want to know where to find Orange Specter."

"Why? So you can embarrass him some more?" He spat out.

"No, so I can make amends. I never wanted to make him cry, I just...I don't know."

"Well, it doesn't matter the kid locked himself in his room. He won't come out, and nopony can reason with him."

"Maybe I can try. I can be really charismatic if I want to." I said hoping to turn the conversation in my favor.

"Oh really? Well why don't you just get someone else to help you." He said.

Quest Accepted: These Asshole Horses!
Objectives:
Find Orange Specter's room.
(Optional) Convince the horse at the bar to help you.

I began to talk to him again, and he looked pretty suspicious.

"So other than that, how are you doing?" I asked.

"Cut the act jerk, I am not going to help you." I furrowed my eyebrows. 'This will be hard' I thought to myself.

"Relax. Looks like you are running low on whiskey there. Let me buy you another glass."

"Well, I won't turn down free alcohol. But I still won't help you!" he replied.

"Oh no doubt." I turned to the bartender.

"Two whiskey shots please."

"Money up front pal." he said. Goddammit.

"Are you sure you don't want to give me a free sample just because I am that likable?"

"Well, if you put it that way...Okay, just one free sample." 'Too easy' I thought again.

"So, what are you anyways?" he asked me as he began to drain his newly acquired alcohol.

"Human, or Homo Sapien if you want to get technical." He sputtered on his drink and began coughing.

"Like, an actual Human?"

"Uhh yea. Why have you heard of us?" I asked already not liking the way this conversation was going.

"Yea, before the reign of Discord you guys used to work alongside ponies."

"Well, what happened to us?" My curiosity now getting the better of me.

"Well, you began to wage war against us because of too many differences. You wanted and independent reign away from us. Eventually all the unicorns pulled away from the war and separated from the Pegasi and Earth Ponies. Without their assistance, we couldn't battle your kind. We were pushed back to our last stronghold, when the unicorns arrived and countered the humans final push. With the time they bought us, they explained they were working on a spell to rid our land of humans forever. They cast the spell, and the humans were removed from our plane of existence."

"Wait, so...what do you mean by 'spell'?"

"Simple, magic."

"But magic doesn't exist. Even in our fucked up world everything is explained by science."

"Oh really? What do you mean by, 'fucked up world'?" He asked and my blood went cold. I had been trying to avoid this subject of conversation.

"Oh well, you know it's nothing really."

"Well you aren't acting like it's nothing. Tell me." I saw an opportunity hop out and wave its arms around at me.

"So, you really want to know eh?"

"Yes."

"Show me where Orange Specters room is."

"Hey, I said no dude. Can you get that through your thick skull?"

"Well, I ain't giving one more ounce of information until you tell me where he is."

He glared at me, and I began to think it wouldn't work. "Fine, follow me." I mentally fist pumped.

Objectives:
(Optional) Convince the horse at the bar to help you: Complete.
(Optional) Follow the horse to Orange Specter's room.

We walked towards a hallway that looked like it came out of Tenpenny Tower except it was cleaner. He led me up several flights of narrow stairs and we finally stopped at a room labeled, 17B.

"Well, here it is. I'm going back to the bar, but you still owe me an explanation." He said as he walked off.

"Wait. What's your name?" I asked before he was out of earshot.

"Doctor Whooves." {Sry if I spelt wrong}

Objectives
(Optional) Follow the horse to Orange Specter's room: Complete
Find Orange Specter's room: Complete
Talk to Orange Specter.

I knocked on the door and, receiving no response, I knocked again. Again, no response.

"Hey kid, it's John again. Listen, I just wanted to say that I am sorry for humiliating you. I feel really bad about what I did, and if you don't want to accept my apology, that's fine, but I just want you to look into my eyes, and know that I am truly sorry."

When no response came again, I crouched down, made sure no ponies (As I found they were called) coming, I expertly picked the lock. It opened to an empty room, and a shattered window, broken appliances, and furniture scattered everywhere. Now I was no detective, but I didn't have to be to realize that someone kidnapped him.

Objectives
Talk to Orange Specter: Complete
Find out where Orange Specter went.

A/N You wanted longer length and all that bullcrap so here it is. Enjoy assholes! =P

Chapter 4

The Jerk
Chapter 4

I walked into the room to look for anything that could give a me a clue to where he had gone. I look out the shattered window, and find myself staring at the swamp as if I was still on the first floor. 'The hell?' I thought to myself. Looking around again, and seeing nothing that could help me, I set off at a slight jog towards the main floor. I sped past several ponies, who decided that they shouldn't get out of the way, and I knocked a few over.

I had no idea where to find the princess, so I headed for the bar again to find Doctor Whooves. I arrived to see him reading a magazine called 'Playcolt' and I tapped him on the shoulder.

"Oh, well if it isn't the jerk? What, couldn't apologize to Orange Specter?" he said with a grin.

"Shut the hell up for a second and let me explain. He isn't in his room." I said with an edge of panic.

"Wait...how the hell did you get into his room?"

"Not important, I need to talk to your princess. The window was smashed, so someone knows where you are. I have no idea who the fuck is fighting in this little 'war', but I can figure out that you are hiding from someone."

"Well duh! They knew where we were from the very start. They can't storm us because we are too well fortified here, and they can't siege us out because we have our own food growth and water extraction facilities."

"You know what? Fuck you! I am not letting that little kid suffer, because of what I did. If you won't help me find your goddamned princess, I will find her myself."

"You can find her right behind you." I heard him speak, and I did a quick spin and there she was.

"What do you want human?"

"I need a way to get to find out where Orange Specter went. I want to find him, and someone kidnapped him."

"Yes, we are well aware of what has happened and we must cope. We don't have the men or supplies to storm a fully fortified changeling camp." she said.

"Well, I do. Tell me where the fuck it is. They have my friend as well as the kid."

"WE DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR FRIEND! OUR SAFETY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY ONE INDIVIDUAL LIFE!" She shouted at me. She was so loud that I had to cover my ears. When she was done speaking, I reached over and punched her.

"BITCH, GET ONE THING STRAIGHT. I HAVE LITERALLY BEEN THROUGH HELL AND BACK, I WILL NOT BE TALKED DOWN UPON BY SOME HORSE CREATURE. I HAVE TAKEN COUNTLESS LIVES, IN THE SAKE OF SELF DEFENSE. IN THE SAKE OF POWER STRUGGLES. IN THE SAKE OF THE FREEDOM OF OTHERS. MY DAD DIED TRYING TO MAKE THE WORLD BETTER FOR OTHER PEOPLE, AND HE LEFT ME ALL ALONE. I HAD TO FIGHT THINGS THAT DON'T BELONG IN PEOPLES WORST NIGHTMARES. I HAVE BEEN BURNED, BITTEN, STABBED, SHOT, DRUGGED, AND EVERY IMAGINABLE FORM OF TORTURE, JUST TO LIVE! YOU DON'T HAVE TO RIGHT TO TALK DOWN TO ME." I screamed at her with the full force of my lungs. I kicked her and walked towards the exit.

"If you fuckers won't help me, I won't help you." After I left, I had walked about 5 steps before something approached me from behind.

"What the fuck do you want asshole?"

"I...want to apologize...for not being understanding." said a voice that I now recognized as the princess.

"No, there is no fucking excuse. You are acting like me helping people is a bad thing. You also never had to go through some of the things that I had too, and I know all too well that one individual is not worth the lives of hundreds. I nearly died once trying to make the lives of those around me better, and when I woke up, they only saw me as a tool for more work. I got no fucking appreciation, just them asking me to help, and what did I get in return? More work. Yet I kept on going, trying to make the world a better place. I didn't succeed. I've only seen one other risk their life for mine, and that was my friend and I will do whatever it takes to repay him."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Luna sat there on the ground listening to the human yell at her. She was shocked at the brief insight into his life, and she felt a pang of sadness go through her. She followed him out the door at a respectable distance, and she was about to apologize, when he spoke.

"What the fuck do you want asshole?" he said, anger and sadness creating an odd tone of voice.

"I...want to apologize...for not being understanding." And she listened again as he gave another insight into his life, and she was horrified at how others had treated him..

"I never wanted you to go because, if you did the changelings would take this as an act of war. They are content with us being here, and not making war but that would provoke them into a full out invasion. We couldn't stand to a full invasion force."

"Princess, I think you and I both agree. Hiding and letting these 'changelings' take your children and family is not acceptable." I cracked my knuckles for dramatic effect. "It's time to fight back."

Objectives:
Find out where Orange Specter went: Complete
Find a way to rescue those inside the changeling base.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fawkes sat in the cell with the rest of the horses as they tried to wait out their boredom. The mother of the child that had been killed thanked him for saving her, and trying to defend her child.

"When they pick someone, they never come back." she said, explaining their predicament to him.

"It was nothing, I always do everything in my power to help the weak." He replied.

"Well, it won't help you at all. You assaulted one of the guards, and they will come for you next." she said fear heavy in her voice.

"My friend will rescue me before anything happens."

"Your friend can't help you. This place is too well fortified, and nothing he could do would help."

"I will never lose faith in my friend. If my death comes I will welcome it, and I will die knowing that he did everything in his power to help me."

"But, you don't know that. He could be running away as we speak!" she said

"I trust my friend impeccably. He once walked into a highly radioactive room, knowing that he wouldn't come back out, to simply help all of humanity."

"He sounds courageous. We one had those like him, and they were defeated."

"Did they die?" he asked

"No, but they were captured and put to work as slaves, but they risked their lives to help us but they failed."

"They sound honorable. I wish to meet them one day."

"You won't get the chance."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

We walked inside, and managed to explain the situation to the ponies.

"We will be soon making a full assault on the changeling base nearby, and our new friend will help us." Said the princess.

"But Princess! While we have the resources for a frontal assault, we couldn't keep a full war going!" said the same male white unicorn that I had paralyzed the other day. I took this opportunity to speak up.

"That's why we won't have a full frontal assault. You have me." When I said this he scoffed.

"Nopony has the abilities to fully storm a well supplied garrison on their own."

"Well, then it's a good thing that I am not a pony." We walked towards the alcove in the wall where I had first met this unicorn, and I saw several charts and maps lying around.

"Before we begin, I suggest we get to know each other. You all know my name, I need yours."

The Princess spoke up first. "My full name is Princess Luna."

The unicorn was next. "Shining Armor, captain of the royal guard and general of the Equestrian resistance."

"Nice title you got there, now let's get to business. I need a map or schematic of the complex, and the surrounding swamp." At my request a small timid looking Pegasi brought up 4 maps and arranged them in a square...wait what? How did I know what a square was? Are you serious? Oh I get it you fucker! NOW, you get a sense of humor. Well pal kiss my ass then.

Anyways, he made a square out of the 4 maps and what I saw was a formidable compound. The thing covered a 5 mile stretch of leveled out swamp.

"Okay ponies, give me the deets. I need a schedule with guard shifts, posts, weaknesses, and a fat juicy brahmin steak." When I heard the room go quiet I looked up and saw several horrified military advisers staring at me.

"What? What did I say?" I asked genuinely confused.

"Y-Y-you eat meat?" Asked one of them in a stuttering horrified voice.

"Uhhh, yea. You know it's kinda hard to come across food, and pretty much all that attacks you can be eaten."

"But what about vegetables and fruit?!" he asked becoming hysterical. I laughed at his question.

"Oh, that's grand pal. Next thing, you will be telling me that you don't have radioactive freaks roaming around." They all shook their heads furiously from side to side.

"You guys are bullshitting me right?" They shook their heads again.

"Well...to answer your apparently totally real question, most fruits and vegetables have been extinct for about 200 years. They gasped in shock at this.

"What? I though that it was common knowledge, but apparently I'm not on Earth anymore. Whatever, I will eat fruit, vegetables, meat, whatever. Trust me when I say, I've had to eat worse. Now, about that schedule?" With the mention of that they all flipped out and began running all around trying to secure the information I requested. Shining Armor finally walked up to me with a piece of paper that had the times when the guards switched out.

"Okay, now where are the guards posted, and give me any potential weaknesses."

"Yes sir. Okay so there are guard towers posted every 1/4 of a mile along each wall with a taller one on the corners. Guards are stationed by twos, and they switch out one guard and the other with a difference of 30 minutes in between. 8 hour shifts are enforced."

"Well shit. Okay that ruins any chances of getting inside when guards switch. Anything else Shining?"

"A few more sir. Each tower is equipped with a panic button, that if pressed twice sets of a base wide alarm. The button has to be pressed once every guard switch in order to prevent a the alarm from going off."

"What can you tell me about the inside of the base?"

"The inside is patrolled in every corridor by a pair of two guards facing opposite directions. Each building is guarded by two inside and outside. Patrols and guards switch on the same time scheme but different schedule."

"Goddamn, are all of their places so fortified?" I asked, losing hope of getting in there unnoticed.

"No sir, this seems to be an exception, besides Canterlot."

"Well, it doesn't take a genius to figure out something important is here. Any potential weaknesses?"

"None...well actually, there is one. They have a small depot outside of the wall with explosives stored inside. However, this seems very suspicious seeing that it is outside the walls."

"Well, I saw one of these creatures take the form of my friend, anything on what to expect in there general?"

"These creatures known as changelings can take the form of any pony they have seen. Their one weakness is they need to feed on love. They literally leech the emotion from your soul. They also can't very well act like those they impersonate without properly knowing everything about them."

"Well, we need a plan of attack. Any suggestions on what to do Luna?"'

"Well, it seems that we have to main methods of attack. A sneak attack, or a full frontal assault, you choose whichever you want."

"I want to minimize casualties, we will go in sneak attack." I said. She nodded.

"From there we have two smaller strategies. One, you could go in alone, and try to sneak/fight your way out. Two, you go in with a small strike force to distract the enemy away from you."

"I will go in alone. Me and my friend will be able to handle getting out if things get rough." I looked at the map for a moment before continuing. "We will try to escape through this exit." I said pointing to an exit with an easily planned escape route.

"Be waiting there with a strike force to take any extra heat off of us. If you don't hear from me or anyone else for a maximum of 2 days, assume we've been captured. Lastly if you see two flares go off in the air, I need that explosives depot to go sky high and make us another exit immediately. Sound good everyone?"

The same small unicorn that brought me the maps raised her hoof.

"What about the general?" she said a very cute squeaky voice. She had a nice purple and pink mane, and green eyes.

"What general?"

Luna spoke up. "General Screen. One of the lesser generals of the changeling army. If you wish, you can target him. Killing him would deal a great blow towards our enemies."

"How do I know what he looks like?" I asked.

The small unicorn spoke up again. "He likes to look like my dad, A big straw hat with a blue stripe. Blue eyes, brown mustache brown mane, and a white coat." her voice shaking with rage.

"Well it's decided. Now I just need a way in."

"I got that covered." said Shining Armor. "There is an old secret passageway into the old mayors office, rest up. There will be hell in the morning."

"What do you mean 'Mayors Office'?" I asked

"This camp used to be a town, that went by the name of Ponyville."

"Anything specific about it? Any reason they would put more security here?"

"Well, the 6 bearers of the elements of harmony used to reside here."

"'Elements of Harmony'?" I asked.

"These were the 5 elements of friendship. With a spark of magic they could ignite into a powerful weapon that differs depending on the circumstances."

"Should I look for them there?" I asked again.

"No, they wouldn't be there"

Objectives:
Find a way to rescue those inside the changeling base: Complete
Invade Changeling base.
Rescue prisoners.
(Optional) Find out what is going on inside the camp.
(Optional) Target Leadership Figure 'General Screen'.

Chapter 6 (Uncensored)

The Jerk
Chapter 6

WARNING! This chapter contains VERY vivid description of gore. I will publish a censored chapter very very soon.

No, of all the assholes in the wasteland, the one I had to run into was THIS GUY! The motherfucker who made my childhood a living hell. Out of instinct I nearly punched him to death right there, the only thing holding me back was the fact that I didn't know if it really was him. I searched all around the room, even looking under the bed before looking at the nightstand and doing a facepalm. Sitting there was a clipboard that was labeled 'Subject Information'.

Subject: Butch DeLoria
Species: Pony (Previously human)
Important notes: Butch was discovered in the swamp. Took barely any persuasion to make him join our cause. Took an insane amount of magic, to transform him into a pony. Since our artificial cocoons only work on registered species, he had to be turned into one so that we could make him a changeling. Queen Chrysalis will be pleased with our progress.

Objectives
(Optional) Find out if the pony in the infirmary is really Butch DeLoria: Complete
(Optional) Kill the fucker and get it over with, or leave him for later.

I didn't have long to contemplate this, but then again I didn't have to. I took out my signature Deathclaw Gauntlet and unlatched the brace so I could fit my arm into it. Clasping it down once I had done so, I got up. I brought up my arm, and brought it down to the point where his rib-cage split off. (I had received a nice lesson in the anatomy of changelings. Didn't take a genius (Which I was) to figure out they had near the same anatomy.) I pressed the claw down and slowly severed the skin and he awoke screaming, only to be held down by the restraints that were attached to his bed. I swore, and received a ball-gag (Don't ask and I won't tell) and strapped it into his mouth, hoping someone didn't hear.

I continued dragging the claw down his chest, and down across his gut, allowing a free look at his intestines. I stopped momentarily and looked at him. His panicked eyes flew around the room looking for his assailant when I remembered that I head the suit still on. I deactivated the suit and took of my helmet for him to see my face. If it were possible for his eyes to get any smaller than what they were now, they would have as he gazed upon me. Despite everything in the wasteland, I had maintained a clean shave, and I had a Tunnel Snakes haircut. Even if I hated anything that associated me with this fucker, it looked real nice. He recognized me instantly and began to fight his restraints trying to break free.

I let out a gentle squeal of excitement, I was finally going to dismember and kill my childhood tormentor. I took of my Deathclaw Gauntlet, and brought out a semi-sharp butter knife that was covered in rust. I looked inside of him and his heart was pumping very erratically. I realized that he wouldn't be able to take much more, and I frowned. This wasn't going to last as long as I had hoped. I brought out 5 shots of adrenaline that I had been saving for myself, but I wanted him to suffer. First, before digging into his internal organs I brought the knife to his cheek, and slowly dragged it across his cheek. Ignoring the fact that it was covered in rust (I was crazy at that current moment okay?), and I licked the knife cleaning his blood off of it.

I licked and smacked my lips several times, trying to distinguish the blood from the rust. I leaned in and whispered in his ear.

"Your blood is delicious. I will enjoy your heart." and I burst into silent laughs as that set him off, pulling against the restraints even harder than I thought possible. Slowly brought the knife down, and tapped his rib-cage and he jerked in agony. Taking that as an invitation, I put the knife beneath two separate ribs, and twisted as hard as I could until the knife snapped. He had given up screaming and taken up passing out while I was working on his ribs, so I brought the first adrenaline shot down upon his heart and pushed the plunger down. He awoke with a start, and he began squealing in terror.

I decided to take this moment for science and see what the inside of a pony looked like. I saw trademark small and large intestines, along with a stomach, two kidneys, and a liver. There was so much more, but I simply didn't have the time. I reached down grabbed his small intestines, and yanked them out, pulling out the 50 feet of horse tract, and I looked up to see Butch grimacing in pain. I smiled, took my dirty butter knife, and cut them out of his body. I looked up again and frowned, seeing him blacked out again. It took me two adrenaline shots to awaken him, and he nearly passed out again from lack of oxygen before breathing through his nose.

I put on a nice, maniacal grin and looked at him. He blanched in shock, and began flailing about again. I decided to have a little more fun. I reached in grabbed his stomach, and severed both ends of it from the rest of his digestive system. I sliced a hole in it, and is stomach acid came pouring out along with several pieces of undigested food onto his internal organs. He began squealing even harder than before, and he was practically screaming in pain, even through the ball gag. I gave him the second to final shot of adrenaline to make sure he stayed away before my finishing move. I shoved my hands through his organs, and I tapped his spine on accident and he blacked out again from the pain. I used the last shot, and his eyelids barely fluttered open.

"Goodbye Butch, It's been a pleasure knowing you." I said in a very sad voice, that I was obviously faking. I reached down again, making sure not to touch his spine, and I grasped it with both hands and twisted them in opposite directions. He probably blacked out by now, and I took the liberty to keep twisting until I heard something crack. I stepped back to admire my handiwork. There was blood everywhere, along with his 50ft intestines scattered everywhere. I looked at his barely exposed heart and saw that it was still barely pumping. Deciding to end on a touch of subtlety, I equipped my Deathclaw Gauntlet, and poked one extra sharp, long claws through his now dead heart.

Objectives
(Optional) Kill the fucker and get it over with, or leave him for later: Complete

My bloodlust for the complete asshole, now subsided I looked around. I had compromised my mission taking my own sweet time with the torture and the mess I made. Deciding that there was nothing I could do about it, I pulled on the mask to my suit again and activated the stealth unit. Sneaking out the window again, I dropped the short 2 feet onto the ground with a small puff of dirt. Checking the time on my Pip-Boy, I saw that I had taken only an half hour torturing the fucker. I cocked an eyebrow and sighed.

'Not nearly as much time as I would have liked to torture him, but, whatever.' I thought as I continued my way down the streets, still avoiding the changelings everywhere. Slowly but subtly I felt my fatigue coming upon me. {Lol} I opened my bag of necessities, and brought out a bag of Pre-War coffee beans. I had found that in one of the vaults I was exploring, and it hadn't been opened. Knowing the effects of coffee, I opened it and tasted one by nibbling on it. It tasted fresh, and the only reason I would know was because there were several opened bags lying around. I took several in my hand and downed them. After about five minutes of walking the effects counteracted that of my persistent fatigue. I kept crouched as I walked along, and eventually I came upon the building that was clearly marked with bright neon lights, PRISONER CELLS. I repressed a very long laugh, and failed. I fell over on the ground laughing to which three curious guards came over to investigate. Upon me falling over, my stealth unit had failed and the changelings were shocked to find me laughing my ass of on the ground.

They immediately move forward to bind me, but I go up and, still suppressing chuckles, I held up my finger.

"Okay guys give me a sec." for some odd reason, they complied and looked at my puzzled. I looked through my bag, trying to find something.

"Alright, here we go!" I said pulling out my Deathclaw Gauntlet. They apparently didn't know what it was, and they stared at it in confusion. I closed the clasps around my arm and pointed at them with it menacingly.

"You will PAY!" I yelled the last word and they blanched in shock, which once again put my on the ground laughing my ass off. They eventually moved forward to bind me with rope that they had seemingly gotten out of nowhere. As they got within striking range I did a spin and knocked their legs out from underneath them. I planted my Deathclaws claws {Snicker} in the first one and jumped up. The two remaining guards tried to get up, and the one that succeeded was dispatched from my weapon tearing off his head. The other one got up, and hit him across his midsection. Which gave him several broken ribs, and a cracked carapace.

Did I ever explain how weird it was that these were insect creatures with an outer shell like most of them, but they also had internal bones. I found it immensely strange, but I didn't have time to contemplate it. I needed to find the real prisoner cells and free Fawkes. After that I could destroy the 'Artificial love' while he guarded the rest of the prisoners. I would rendezvous with them, and we would get the hell out of here. I kept going and found the building that actually held the prisoners. The map I had of the base confirmed that. I entered to find a long hallway with four rooms. At the front there was a snoozing guard in a recliner chair. I walked up to him, grabbed his mouth and quickly snapped his neck. He fell over without complaint.

I saw several keys hanging from a ring on his belt. I grabbed them and quickly opened the first door to the prisoners cells. Upon entry I saw several terrified ponies, but no Fawkes. I quickly spoke to them.

"Listen, I have to find my friend, but don't worry, I am going to help you." I said as I closed the door and proceeded to the next one. I repeated the process with the first twice more, and stopped before the last door. I opened it, and saw nothing. My heart dropped, and it had a visible effect on me. If I had been paying more attention, I would have noticed the, not fearful, but curious looks that the ponies were giving me. I only broke out of my stupor when one talked.

"You are his friend aren't you?" I looked at her in confusion. "It's too late, they took him to the testing labs about half an hour ago." When she said that my stomach lurched. I almost collapsed, but I cleared my head. There was still a chance, and I had a mission to do.

"I will be back, don't worry." I said as I ran out. I quickly stripped my stealth armor, and donned my power armor. The time for stealth was way passed now.

{Play this for effect. I know it doesn't have fitting lyrics but by god it's best for this scene. Play it goddamned loud and with a subwoofer. Repeat as necessary.} As a period to my point, the base sirens started going off. I put my Deathclaw Gauntlet on, and my power fist in my other. I simply kicked down the doors to get outside, and changelings were already swarming towards me. I quickly sprinted away, and found the main laboratory building, and used my power fist to smash the door it. I sprinted through the hallways, and past several surprised changelings. I hit down any that got in the way. I had no idea where the fuck I was going but I just kept running. I eventually burst through a door to see Fawkes chained down on a table with several changelings around him. There were several straps keeping him down and I charged. I took of the heads of several with my Gauntlet, and made a few explode with hits from my Power Gauntlet. I slashed at the straps, and they came off easily and my friend got up.

"Friend, I never lost faith in you." he said.

"I know. The base alarm has been triggered, and we have to help the prisoners. Let's get the fuck out of here." I walked over to a nearby chest, and by luck it held his Gatling Laser. I grabbed it and threw it over to him, and he grabbed it out of the air and swung into position. We began running through the hallways, with me leading to deal with any changelings that attempted to stop us. A few did, and they were cut down instantly.

We sprinted out the building and into the cell blocks before they could be upon us. Surprisingly, they didn't follow us but they were swarming outside. I unlocked all of the doors, and when I opened the last something smashed into my face and I blacked out. I came to a little bit later to find several changelings covering Fawkes with continuous bursts of fire. He gladly replayed them with large bursts of searing laser that shredded them in half. His skin slowly singed black, and his laser went out and thew it off to the side and took a few steps forward and fell over.

"NO! FAWKES!" I got up ignoring the hammering pain in my skull, and my blurred vision. I could see enough to do what I had to. I saw several black shapes swarming around and I charged at them. They all fell beneath my merciless barrage of claws and metal, and they fell. They shot fire at me, and they fell. They flung debris at me and the fell. I gathered the prisoners and spoke.

"Let's get the fuck out of here." I said anger permeating my voice. We walked out, and there was a large changeling swarm before me. Too many, and I should have high tailed it and ran, but anger was clouding my judgement. I turned to the ponies.

"Get the fuck out of here, there is a tunnel over on that wall, and there will be a group of the resistance waiting for you." They nodded, and a certain orange kid came out to the front.

"Thank you mister. I am sorry, about running away from you."

"It's fine kid. Now GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" I yelled at the group and they ran. A changeling tried to follow them and was cut out of the air with a punch from my glove.

I turned to the mob, and made one last entry on my 'quest'.

Objectives
Rescue prisoners: Complete

I turned to face the grinning hideous mob of black insects. I spat at them, and they surged forward.

Chapter 6 (Censored)

The Jerk
Chapter 6

No Gore this time!

No, of all the assholes in the wasteland, the one I had to run into was THIS GUY! The motherfucker who made my childhood a living hell. Out of instinct I nearly punched him to death right there, the only thing holding me back was the fact that I didn't know if it really was him. I searched all around the room, even looking under the bed before looking at the nightstand and doing a facepalm. Sitting there was a clipboard that was labeled 'Subject Information'.

Subject: Butch DeLoria
Species: Pony (Previously human)
Important notes: Butch was discovered in the swamp. Took barely any persuasion to make him join our cause. Took an insane amount of magic {mindfuckery}, to transform him into a pony. Since our artificial cocoons only work on registered species, he had to be turned into one so that we could make him a changeling. Queen Chrysalis will be pleased with our progress.

Objectives
(Optional) Find out if the pony in the infirmary is really Butch DeLoria: Complete
(Optional) Kill the fucker and get it over with, or leave him for later.

I didn't have long to contemplate this, but then again I didn't have to. I took out my signature Deathclaw Gauntlet and unlatched the brace so I could fit my arm into it.

After a long and bloody torture session that ended with my claws through his heart, he died.

Objectives
(Optional) Kill the fucker and get it over with, or leave him for later: Complete

My bloodlust for the complete asshole, now subsided I looked around. I had compromised my mission taking my own sweet time with the torture and the mess I made. Deciding that there was nothing I could do about it, I pulled on the mask to my suit again and activated the stealth unit. Sneaking out the window again, I dropped the short 2 feet onto the ground with a small puff of dirt. Checking the time on my Pip-Boy, I saw that I had taken only an half hour torturing the fucker. I cocked an eyebrow and sighed.

'Not nearly as much time as I would have liked to torture him, but, whatever.' I thought as I continued my way down the streets, still avoiding the changelings everywhere. Slowly but subtly I felt my fatigue coming upon me. {Lol} I opened my bag of necessities, and brought out a bag of Pre-War coffee beans. I had found that in one of the vaults I was exploring, and it hadn't been opened. Knowing the effects of coffee, I opened it and tasted one by nibbling on it. It tasted fresh, and the only reason I would know was because there were several opened bags lying around. I took several in my hand and downed them. After about five minutes of walking the effects counteracted that of my persistent fatigue. I kept crouched as I walked along, and eventually I came upon the building that was clearly marked with bright neon lights, PRISONER CELLS. I repressed a very long laugh, and failed. I fell over on the ground laughing to which three curious guards came over to investigate. Upon me falling over, my stealth unit had failed and the changelings were shocked to find me laughing my ass of on the ground.

They immediately move forward to bind me, but I go up and, still suppressing chuckles, I held up my finger.

"Okay guys give me a sec." for some odd reason, they complied and looked at my puzzled. I looked through my bag, trying to find something.

"Alright, here we go!" I said pulling out my Deathclaw Gauntlet. They apparently didn't know what it was, and they stared at it in confusion. I closed the clasps around my arm and pointed at them with it menacingly.

"You will PAY!" I yelled the last word and they blanched in shock, which once again put my on the ground laughing my ass off. They eventually moved forward to bind me with rope that they had seemingly gotten out of nowhere. As they got within striking range I did a spin and knocked their legs out from underneath them. I planted my Deathclaws claws {Snicker} in the first one and jumped up. The two remaining guards tried to get up, and the one that succeeded was dispatched from my weapon tearing off his head. The other one got up, and hit him across his midsection. Which gave him several broken ribs, and a cracked carapace.

Did I ever explain how weird it was that these were insect creatures with an outer shell like most of them, but they also had internal bones. I found it immensely strange, but I didn't have time to contemplate it. I needed to find the real prisoner cells and free Fawkes. After that I could destroy the 'Artificial love' while he guarded the rest of the prisoners. I would rendezvous with them, and we would get the hell out of here. I kept going and found the building that actually held the prisoners. The map I had of the base confirmed that. I entered to find a long hallway with four rooms. At the front there was a snoozing guard in a recliner chair. I walked up to him, grabbed his mouth and quickly snapped his neck. He fell over without complaint.

I saw several keys hanging from a ring on his belt. I grabbed them and quickly opened the first door to the prisoners cells. Upon entry I saw several terrified ponies, but no Fawkes. I quickly spoke to them.

"Listen, I have to find my friend, but don't worry, I am going to help you." I said as I closed the door and proceeded to the next one. I repeated the process with the first twice more, and stopped before the last door. I opened it, and saw nothing. My heart dropped, and it had a visible effect on me. If I had been paying more attention, I would have noticed the, not fearful, but curious looks that the ponies were giving me. I only broke out of my stupor when one talked.

"You are his friend aren't you?" I looked at her in confusion. "It's too late, they took him to the testing labs about half an hour ago." When she said that my stomach lurched. I almost collapsed, but I cleared my head. There was still a chance, and I had a mission to do.

"I will be back, don't worry." I said as I ran out. I quickly stripped my stealth armor, and donned my power armor. The time for stealth was way passed now.

{Play this for effect. I know it doesn't have fitting lyrics but by god it's best for this scene. Play it goddamned loud and with a subwoofer. Repeat as necessary.} As a period to my point, the base sirens started going off. I put my Deathclaw Gauntlet on, and my power fist in my other. I simply kicked down the doors to get outside, and changelings were already swarming towards me. I quickly sprinted away, and found the main laboratory building, and used my power fist to smash the door it. I sprinted through the hallways, and past several surprised changelings. I hit down any that got in the way. I had no idea where the fuck I was going but I just kept running. I eventually burst through a door to see Fawkes chained down on a table with several changelings around him. There were several straps keeping him down and I charged. I took of the heads of several with my Gauntlet, and made a few explode with hits from my Power Gauntlet. I slashed at the straps, and they came off easily and my friend got up.

"Friend, I never lost faith in you." he said.

"I know. The base alarm has been triggered, and we have to help the prisoners. Let's get the fuck out of here." I walked over to a nearby chest, and by luck it held his Gatling Laser. I grabbed it and threw it over to him, and he grabbed it out of the air and swung into position. We began running through the hallways, with me leading to deal with any changelings that attempted to stop us. A few did, and they were cut down instantly.

We sprinted out the building and into the cell blocks before they could be upon us. Surprisingly, they didn't follow us but they were swarming outside. I unlocked all of the doors, and when I opened the last something smashed into my face and I blacked out. I came to a little bit later to find several changelings covering Fawkes with continuous bursts of fire. He gladly replayed them with large bursts of searing laser that shredded them in half. His skin slowly singed black, and his laser went out and thew it off to the side and took a few steps forward and fell over.

"NO! FAWKES!" I got up ignoring the hammering pain in my skull, and my blurred vision. I could see enough to do what I had to. I saw several black shapes swarming around and I charged at them. They all fell beneath my merciless barrage of claws and metal, and they fell. They shot fire at me, and they fell. They flung debris at me and the fell. I gathered the prisoners and spoke.

"Let's get the fuck out of here." I said anger permeating my voice. We walked out, and there was a large changeling swarm before me. Too many, and I should have high tailed it and ran, but anger was clouding my judgement. I turned to the ponies.

"Get the fuck out of here, there is a tunnel over on that wall, and there will be a group of the resistance waiting for you." They nodded, and a certain orange kid came out to the front.

"Thank you mister. I am sorry, about running away from you."

"It's fine kid. Now GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" I yelled at the group and they ran. A changeling tried to follow them and was cut out of the air with a punch from my glove.

I turned to the mob, and made one last entry on my 'quest'.

Objectives
Rescue prisoners: Complete

I turned to face the grinning hideous mob of black insects. I spat at them, and they surged forward.

Chapter 7

The Jerk
Chapter 7

I took a defensive position, as the oncoming changeling horde charged me. The first to fall in glorious battle was a...you know, I couldn't tell the motherfuckers apart. Anyways, I brought my arm under him, and flipped him over my shoulder, I stomped on his stomach as hard as I could, which caused bug guts to fly everywhere. I slashed, and I pummeled the next few, and they died like the first. They fell by the hundreds in the onslaught, and my armor took neigh a dent. A kick caught me off balance, and it made me fall over. I quickly swept the ground clear while getting up.

I jumped up and was knocked down instantly from another changeling charging at my chest. Trying to get up, I was held down by several of them, and one got up on me and stared me down. Its horn began to glow, and at the last second before it was fully charged, I headbutted the thing as hard as I could. His head exploded, and I had no idea why things did that, it was always so weird. I kept struggling against the ones holding down my arms as hard as I could, but to no avail. There were too many of them. I slumped my head against the ground as I gave up.

The grip on my limbs loosened a little and I saw my opportunity. I quickly tucked my limbs into my body, and shot up, and began to run away from the furious mob. I sprinted as fast as I could, and I did a few turns. I hid in an alley, and behind a pile of trash. My bloodlust had no subsided, and I realized how lopsided that the odds were. The group of prisoners had gotten away, and I had to find a way to get out undetected. I peeked my head out from under the pile of garbage, and they saw me instantly. I got up and plowed through the mob blocking my exit. They flew to the sides rather comically, and I stopped to take the time to laugh at them.

"Hey fuckers! You guys look hilarious when people run at you. It's as if you are afraid of me!" I laughed out at them. I saw them blink for a few seconds and they surged forward again. I turned tail and sped in the other direction, heading for...somewhere. Honestly without my map, this place was just a jumble of buildings. Speeding along, I remembered that this place used to be a town, a small city. If I could find an old building, there might be something there I could use. Then again, there could be something I could use in all of the buildings, but I my thinking was rationalized because of the adrenaline, and the excitement of combat. I quickly scanned the area as fast as I could, and I saw a lot of military looking buildings, but I spotted one. It looked like it was made out of some sort of food, and surprisingly, it was still guarded.

I was surprised because all of the other guards were currently chasing me. I did a quick double take and saw about, oh I don't know, several hundred of them chasing me. I turned my attention back towards the rapidly approaching house, and made up my mind. There is something important in that house, and these changelings be damned. I decided that I had to lure the guards away from the house. Wait, why lure, when I can horribly main and injure! I activated V.A.T.S. and targeted the two guarding the entrance, and sped up to them. What I did next, was impossibly cool. I jumped up, and when I fell back down, I used my momentum and went into a slide on my knees. I swung at the changeling on the right with my Deathclaw Gauntlet, and jumped up again with a spin, and tore through the other one from the underside up, severing his spine.

I landed on one knee with a fist on the ground creating a small crater, complete with a shockwave which knocked the non-flying changelings down. Getting up and speeding into the house I slammed the door shut, and locked it. I have no idea why, maybe being scared shitless by a giant mob of shapeshifting insects, was a motive. But!, we will never know. I heard a wild hammering on the door, and flashes of green fire, as the barraged the door, but it held. I shrugged to myself and inspected the area. It had obviously undergone military changes, but it looked like a shop. There was a display case, and a cash register that hadn't been taken out for some reason.

I ignored the hammering and flashes of light still on the door, and peeked into the back. Just a bakers room, nothing special there. I squeezed up the still too narrow stairs, and found myself in a hall. A the first doors, and I found myself in rooms with blacked out windows. A baby room obviously, and a large room that was obviously the master bedroom. Quickly searching anything too open, and finding nothing, I sped to the last room. Let me say, it was enormous. Way bigger than any bedroom had a right to be. I felt really insulted, because in the vault we had to live in houses that were smaller than this. I quickly dispelled the thought from my mind, and realized that the hammering on the door had stopped. I peeked through the blinds and saw the mob was gone.

I furrowed my eyebrows, and stepped away. Looking around the room again, for anything potentially important. I activated the altered version of V.A.T.S, that I had the courtesy of inventing, and it was a search program. I set it to look for anything that was metal, maybe there was a weapon here. I pulled up the tab on my Pip-Boy and began to search through everything it picked up. Just random useless pieces of junk. Setting it to wood would not work, the whole room was made of it. That option not working, I realized I had to search here manually.

I entered the first room, and instantly realized what the changelings were guarding. It was an armory, full of human tech. I put on a smile, that could only be described one way. Like a kid in a candy store, providing that the candy was pieces of dangerous human technology that could destroy legions of anything living. I still couldn't believe my eyes. The stuff was just hanging off of the walls. A minigun there, a flamer, a missile launcher, a FAT MAN!

"Holy shit!" I whispered quietly, and I heard something breathing behind me. I quickly put my hands up and turned around facing a single changeling. He was levitating a shotgun with his magic, and I stared at him like I was beat.

"Okay man, no need for guns, you can just put that down now." I said in a perfectly panicked voice.

"Not a chance. You see, you are immune to our conventional attacks, so I decided to pick up one of these things. No idea what the fuck it does, but you are clearly beat. No SURRENDER!" He said with a triumphant smirk.

"Wait, before we do that, you tell me something. What happened to all the soldiers outside?" I asked him.

"They left, and sent me in. Best foot soldier, and I knew I was truly and royally bucked. So I tilted the odds in my favor." For emphasis, he pumped the shotgun once.

"So...wait. You mean I could've rushed you when you had no ammo in that gun?"

"Well...yea. I guess."

"Well, I am done talking so I suggest we get this over with." I took a step forward, and he fired the shotgun, and the pellets spanged off my armor. I took another forward, and another shot at my chest.

"Listen man! Stay back!" He said, fear no permeating his cool demeanor.

"Not a chance." I replied and I kept walking, and pellets littering the floor as they simply bounced off of my armor. He tiled the shotgun down and floated it forward. Before I could grab it, it was on my kneecap, and he fired. I felt my kneecap explode as the pellets combined together shatter bone, and tear flesh. I fell over white with pain, and he looked at me, his confident smirk now returned to him.

"Give up. You are incapacitated."

"Go to hell." I said as I got up and put my weight on my bad leg. I simply winced from the pain and began to limp forward. I saw his black face go white as I was walking forward with an injury that would cause most to be screaming. I got within two steps of him, and yanked his shotgun from him. Now using his commandeered weapon, I pointed it at his face, having trouble holding it with two fist weapons on my hands.

"Now here is the deal. You surrender, or I blow your brains out." I said gritting my teeth through the pain, trying to stay civil.

"O-okay! P-p-please d-don't hurt me." He said cowering behind his hooves.

"Good." I said, as I threw the shotgun back at his face. I turned around and brought up my Pip-Boy, and selected two stimpacks to be applied to my knee. I sighed in relief as they quickly re-knitted the bone, and muscle. I bent my knee a few times and began to walk forward to make sure that it worked as planned. I heard a click, and I turned to see the shotgun leveled at me head, and a shocked changeling.

"Looking for this?" I asked as I held up the last shotgun shell that I had liberated from the gun. I smirked as he lost control of his bowels and shit himself. I grabbed the shotgun, and loaded the shell in and pointed it at his face.

"I let you live, and that's how you repay me?" I asked adopting an angry and harsh tone.

"PLEASE! LET ME LIVE! I HAVE A WIFE AND KIDS!" he said, on the verge of crying.

I cocked an eyebrow and replied. "Bullshit. This is a hive-mind. I heard one say so myself. You can't have kids. But!, you can still harbor children. Maybe, I should remove that ability from you." If it was possible for him to go any whiter than he would have just now, and he broke down crying. I felt a fluttering in my gut, but I ignored it. This was the enemy, not someone to be comforted.

"What is your name?" I asked him.

"Ash"

"Well, Ash you have just earned yourself a chance to get out of here alive. Listen very, very carefully. Tell me what how this stuff got here."

"B-but I don't know."

"Oh well then, I guess there is no need for you here." I said in a dejected tone, and pointed it at him again.

"WAIT, WAIT! I can tell you!"

"That's better! Now get talking, because my trigger finger is getting a bit itchy."

"Well, it was here when we got here. The pony put up quite a fight before we got her."

"Who, which pony was it?"

"It was a pink one with balloons on her flank. The funny thing was, she was in Canterlot with her friends when the invasion happened."

"Well then how did she get here, and how did she get all of these guns?" I asked more to myself than to him.

"Well, I don't know, just let me live!"

"Well, I was considering it, until you decided to levitate the assault rifle behind me with intent to fire."

"W-what! H-h-how did you know?"

"The things one person can see out of the corner of their eyes. That bare survival instinct that protected the human race from extinction time and time again. The paranoia that sheltered my ancestors, all of that in here." I said as I tapped my forehead. "I know when a gun is being pointed at my head, and I know how to survive such a threat."

"H-how?" he asked.

"By ducking." I said, as I dropped and he riddled himself with bullets.

"Ouch, that must've hurt." I said to myself with a nice smile, and I began to load up on weapons. Checking my Pip-Boy, I realized that I could hold a lot more. I also realized that I didn't have much more time before the changelings burst in here and took me down with numbers. One man against an army. As good as I am those were odds that I didn't wish to face again. I grabbed a Fat Man, about 20 mini nukes, and a minigun. I smiled as I hefted the large barreled gun, and began walking away.

I had reached about 20 feet across the room, and I pressed a switch on my Pip-Boy, and the plasma explosives that I had set up there detonated. The combined force of them melted any remaining weapons, ammo, or explosives. I also heard several conventional grenades go off, and the room collapsed. I walked downstairs and looked around. The door had been blown to shrapnel, and the back door was closed and locked. I glanced out the front to see a few changelings there, and I walked to the back, and simply kicked it open. Damn weaklings they were. I came face to face with an empty road. I put away the minigun and continued walking down the street in the open but there were no changelings.

'Where are they?' I asked myself, hoping that I wouldn't find out.

A/N ANNNND DONE!

Chapter 8

The Jerk
Chapter 8

I cautiously approached the house that was in front of me. It seemed strangely familiar and I had no idea why. I started walking towards it, holding my minigun in front of me. I quickly did a few double takes to make sure that nothing was sneaking up on me, but that did nothing to calm me.

I had been walking around the changeling camp, and looking for a way out. At this period in time I had no idea where the fuck I was, and for some reason my Pip-Boy, was not working. Every time I brought it up to look at the map there was a weird sort of slanted face, and the words 'U Mad Bro?' I was getting frustrated, just wandering around the base looking for a way to leave. I had lost my flare gun in the 'scuffle' and I no longer had a way of creating an exit. That is when I saw this house. This strange looking house.

The strangest aspect of it, was that it was a tree. An honest to god tree, and it had windows and doors. What? Stop giving me that look, I am not making any of this shit up. I approached the house, and looking at my compass, I realized that there was nothing inside of the house. I set the minigun down for a moment and I opened the door to find myself face to face with a fuckton of books. When I say a fuckton, I really mean a fuckton. Actually, a fuckton would be an understatement, if you were to multiply a fuckton times 3, then you would have a more accurate estimate of how many books there were in this library. I was completely stunned, and I simply stared at the books.

After about five minutes of exploring the library, I heard something upstairs. I caught my breath, and hefted the shotgun that I had 'liberated' from the changeling. I approached the stairs and took a few up when I heard my possible assailant sneeze. I froze for a second, and then continued my approach of the doors at the top. Glancing at my compass, I realized that there was something in the room, and it wasn't hostile. I had never known how my Pip-Boy, always knew when things were hostile or not, but I wasn't going to look a gift pony in the mouth. I tried my luck on the doorknob, and was greeted with a clacking coming from the other side of the door.

Whoever it was had locked the door, in fear of me. Well they were right to do so, but I was getting tired of picking locks, so I banged the door a couple times so the person on the other side would (hopefully) back away. After a few seconds, I aimed the shotgun at the door handle, and blew it out of existence. I gently pushed the door open with the barrel of my impromptu lockpick. I glanced around and saw nothing in the room. I saw another door, and as I approached I heard that one lock as well. I frowned, and proceeded to bash the door down with my power fist. It revealed a semi-clean bathroom, with some sort of weird lizard cowering in fear. It was probably about two feet tall, and looked like it would have shit its self if I had done anything more than knock the door down. I quickly crouched down, and held out my hand, as if I was speaking to an animal.

"Hey there, it's alright. I'm not going to hurt you." I said in a gentle voice. The reptile came out of its fetal position, and slowly reached its hand out towards mine. It was then that a changeling decided to make a surprise entrance through the window. As soon as I heard the smashing sound, and I spun around instantly with my power fist ready to take down whatever it was. The changeling looked disoriented, and it was a LOT bigger than the others. About 5 times bigger maybe? Yea that was about right. I stared at the freakishly large changeling and took a moment to contemplate how the hell it was even fitting in here. I looked up at the ceiling and realized that it was cracking through the wood, and creating large gouges in the ceiling.

I looked down in time for a large hoof smacking me across the room, and out through the wall. I tumbled and rolled a good distance. I got up and was rewarded with pain across my chest when I breathed. Broken ribs. I looked down to inspect the damage, and saw my chest plate was totally destroyed, with most of the metal caving in onto my skin. I tried to remove it, and the pain that greeted me was worse than before. Knowing that things were going to get worse before they would get better, I grabbed the thing, braced myself, and tore it off, taking with it a large amount of flesh and skin.

I screamed. Normally high pain tolerance would let me ignore it, but as I was not in immanent danger, I took my own sweet time. I quickly administered a stimpack to my...chest area, and I felt the pain get worse, as the torn flesh tried to knit itself together. I used two more, and the process sped up and after about thirty more seconds of pain, it was over. I breathed a sigh of relief, and got up. I directed my attention to the tree house, and saw it getting torn to shreds as the freak changeling tried to get out. I shed the rest of my armor, and quickly changed into my Chinese stealth suit. I wasn't trying to sneak, but it was all the protection I had at the moment. I looked to the front door of the house, and saw my minigun still sitting there. Normally these situations would be solved pretty quickly with a mini nuke or two, but that lizard thing was still alive, and I wasn't intent on killing it.

I sprinted towards my gun, and afterwards I was rewarded with its reassuring weight. I hefted it up, aimed at the monstrosity tearing the house to shreds, and fired away. The thing roared in pain the the sheer number of 5mm rounds struck their target. Chunks of flesh were torn away, green blood was leaked everywhere, but the beast wasn't dying. I held my position as I kept firing, only taking pauses to reload.

I saw the lizard trying to sneak away from behind the thing, when it looked at me. I gave a nod, and a little 'shoo' motion with my hands, and the lizard dropped down from the remains of the second floor and sprinted away. Now that the pest was gone, I could go nuclear. I dropped the minigun and sprinted away, trying to reach a safe distance. Once I did, I slung the thing over my shoulder and hefted the large weapon up. I took a moment to glance at the creature, which was still trying to break free of the house, and I fired. The small football sized weapon struck the floor of the building, and it went up in a ball of radioactive fire. I reloaded, and fired again. There was no way that I was going to let that thing have even the smallest chance to live. I put the weapon over my shoulder, and I brought up my shotgun as I approached the now smoking ruin of a house.

As the smoke cleared, I saw the black thing trying to get up, after a large chunk of ceiling had landed on it.

"Don't you ever fucking die?" I asked the thing as I approached it. Its head whipped in my direction, and gave a snarl.

"Well, nice to know you." I said as I leveled the gun at its face. I pulled the trigger, pumped it, and fired again. The two rounds tore off most of his face, and he was still moving.

"Goddammit." I said to myself again as I clambered up on top of the still alive beast. I put the barrel of the shotgun at the base of its neck, and fired several times until I could see bone. Once again the beast still refused to die, but I could sense the end of its life was near.

"Just. Fucking. DIE!" I yelled as I kept firing into the creatures spine. It eventually broke, and the thing fell silent and I kept firing until I ran out of ammo. I wanted to make sure that the thing was dead, dead, and more dead. I heard the shotgun click, and I found I had no more shells. I threw the gun at the remains of its face, and jumped down. I walked away from the trees remains, and walked in the direction that I saw the lizard go. I didn't have to go far before I saw the purple and green reptile cowering behind a bush.

"Hey, c'mon let's get out of here." I said, as I did a 'follow me' gesture with my hands. The thing just sat there looking at me, fear holding him in place.

"Okay, fine looks like we gotta do this the hard way." I walked over, and pick up the thing and it put up quite a fuss. It kept scratching me, and breathing green fire that flowed over my armor. I, in no mood for the reptiles antics, brought up my mask, and glared at him. He instantly stopped moving, and looked at my face.

"Stop putting up a fight, and this will be much easier." I said to him in my condescending voice.

"..."

"Well fine, don't talk to me, but stop putting up such a fight." I said as I kept walking. I brought my Pip-Boy up again, and all of the tabs were filled with the same message. The radio one still worked, but I was only picking up one frequency. It was playing this song. I honestly had no idea what was going on, and I shrugged it off and kept walking. It was then that I heard a sort of maniacal laughing. It could be described as, and evil laugh, that was laced with insanity, but wasn't doing a very good job at inspiring fear. I looked around for the source of the laughing, when I heard someone starting to talk.

The odd thing was, it was like the voice was in my head.

Why, hello there John. said the mysterious voice inside my head.

"Where are you?" I asked cautiously, slowly scanning all the landscape around me.

Why, I am in your head. It is quite roomy in here, and I rather like it.

"How are you in my head?" The lizard was now giving me odd looks.

Well, I am trapped in Canterlot at the moment, but my magic is allowing me to communicate with you.

"Are you the one fucking with my Pip-Boy?" I asked him. The lizard was now trying to squirm out of my grip, with a panicked look on its face.

My, my, my! Such language. Well if you must know, then yes. I was the one messing with that device on your wrist.

"Why?" All this conversation had been was me asking questions to him.

Why? For the sake of Chaos. You can't find a way out, and as a result, you are causing Chaos all over that base. I rather enjoy it.

I was really perplexed at that moment, and I was trying to get a grasp on this.

"So, you're telling me that you are intentionally keeping me here for your entertainment?"

Well...yes. But I have a very good reas-

"Buddy, no one fucks with me. If you don't help me find a way out right now, I will hunt you down and kill you."

Well, that isn't going to happen. I am rather fond of living, and there is no way you could find a way out my yourself.

"Wanna bet on that?" I asked him as I walked into a nearby house.

Yes. I bet you 10 bits that you cannot get out without my help.

"Okay then. You're on." I said as I pried open a light socket. I reached in, and gently severed a few specific wires, and pressed them onto my Pip-Boy. My arm jolted as the electricity traveled from my Pip-Boy to my arm. The screen went haywire then went blank. Suddenly it booted up, and it was good as new.

Wait! That's cheating! He said.

"No, you never laid down any ground rules. Now I am going to find you."

Chapter 9

The Jerk
Chapter 9

Wait! Are you sure we can't work out some kind of deal? Said the voice in my head, with a panicked tone as I headed toward my predesignated exit.

"Nope. No one fucks with me. Nobody."

Please man? It was just a joke honestly.

"Buddy I am getting real tired of this conversation, now shut the fuck up, or I swear to god your death will be more painful than anything you have ever imagined."

Fine. He said and he finally shut up. Peace and quiet. My little refugee lizard was asleep in my right arm, and we were making good progress towards the exit. It was a rather peaceful walk, as opposed to almost everything else in my life. Nothing trying to shoot me, stab me, or bite my head off. Yup, just one long nice walk. Just walking...and walking. I stopped.

Something was off. Perhaps it was just my instincts acting up, you know telling me that something should have tried to kill me by now, but no. That wasn't it, but I couldn't place it. Something was seriously wrong with this place but I couldn't say what. It wasn't until about fifteen minutes later, when I arrived at the scene of my battle of dumbassery, that I realized, the dead bodies were missing. Every single dead changeling was missing. Even more disturbingly, was that there were a large amount of hoof tracks. The amount of which looked like a large group of the foul insects had come through earlier.

Dead insects. Said the voice that couldn't leave me alone for more than half an hour.

"Dude, I killed those motherfuckers. No way in hell could they be alive. Things weren't even that tough."

Yes, but who says that they couldn't come back?

"Didn't you hear me, I said they were dead. You can't bring back dead things." I said this, but for the first time in a while, even if I didn't want to admit it, I was, just the tiniest bit, uncertain about my words. I quickly did a thorough check of my remaining medical supplies. I had plenty of Med-X, I wasn't going to run out any time soon, plenty of psycho, but I was lacking in the one thing that I needed. Stimpacks. I only had about 15 left, and that wouldn't do.

I can't tell you how hard it was for me to swallow my pride to do this, but just know it was difficult.

"I need your help." I said under my breath.

Sorry what was that? He asked. He actually hadn't been paying attention, but he was for sure going to start mocking me.

"I said 'I need your help'." I replied with a dark look on my face.

Why should I help you? he said in a very serious tone. I thought that you were going to kill me?

"Because if I die here, I will brutally murder you from beyond the grave." I said ominously.

What happens if I do help you? You murder me conventionally?

"No, you get to live." He fell silent for a moment as he was contemplating my offer.

Deal. He said to me.

"Alright first things first, you tell me where the fuck all the dead bodies went."

Well, honestly I don't know. My head gave a barely noticeable twitch, but he took the hint.

Alright, alright. I don't know where they went, but I can tell you what happened.

"Please do."

For the past year or so when the changelings invaded Canterlot, I have been monitoring their progress, in everything they have been doing. This 'artificial love' they have been creating, while it works just fine and it satisfies their need for raw pony emotion, it has...more ominous long term effects.

"Explain. Now."

Such haste! Anyways, the 'love'...hmmm how to explain. While it affects a living changeling no differently than its proper effects, because it is a liquid, it affects most bodily nerves, and the formula results in them firing in junction, and rendering the creature living even if clinical death has resulted.

"What the hell does that mean?" I asked now checking every possible angle of approach around me. "Are they dead or alive?"

Clinically they are dead. However their nerve receptors are still firing in the brain, which results in full control of the body..

"So what, I can't kill them?"

Technically yes, but they will still be moving that's all.

"Any explanations on how this works?"

The artificial love is a living creature, a bacteria, that has been specially evolved and enhanced to provide every fiber of the changelings being with the ability to produce its own food. However these bacteria cannot make the body preform the functions it did while alive, such as eat, speak ect. They also cannot stop the process of natural decay. Their bodies will rot, and wither.

"So I am fighting a bunch of dead changelings that are being controlled by these bacteria?"

Yes.

"Well that's just fucking wonderful." A thought occurred in my mind. "Hey do you know anything about the giant changeling that attacked me?"

Oh that. That was just one of their desperate attempts to stop you. Horrible experiments on a strain of changeling that resulted in a very large body, but very low intelligence. One of a kind.

"Well that's good."

Well except for the eggs. If I had been drinking something I would have done a spit take.

"Where are they?"

Science lab X-2, west wing. I checked my Pip-Boy, and found the appropriate place and began heading out.

"I just can't get a fucking break. It's like I'm back in the wasteland again." I grumbled as I kept walking. I encountered none of the aforementioned 'undead'. I kept nervously glancing over my shoulder but seeing nothing. I felt as if something was watching me, but every time I turned around there was nothing there. I kept walking, and it was then that I realized that the lizard was not in my arms.

"Hey jackass, do you know where the lizard went?"

Oh Spike? Yea, he just hopped out of your arms and ran away when he saw a pair of glowing eyes.

"What!? Where!?" I said as I whipped my head around.

Over in that alleyway there. I looked at it. Dark, spooky...man I really hated going into dark places. There was always some kind of fucking mutant trying to kill you. I approached the alleyway and I saw a ball of green and purple spines and scales curled up into a ball.

"Hey there kid. Hey, why did you run off like that?" After much more coaxing he relaxed and was about to get up but something happened. His eyes...there was something wrong with them.

"Uhhh, man what happens if anything other than changelings encounter this bacteria?"

Well first I would assume the immune system would try to fight it off. The bacteria, being attacked, would also fight back. Why?

"Uhhh..." I said as I glanced back at him and his eyes were back to normal. "Nothing I guess, just curious." I bent over to pick up the lizard, but upon looking at him again I didn't.

"Kid are you okay?" I asked as he began shaking violently. His eyes were turning a pale yellow color that was slightly glowing. "Oh fuck no..." I said as he stopped shaking and slumped over, dead. The light in his eyes faded, and I gently closed them. I gently pounded the ground with a fist.

"Damn it. Why do people always die around me." I said weakly. Every damn time. It even happened with Fawkes. Sure he could take care of himself, but he died in the end. They always died in the end. I let out a shaky breath and got up. I never felt sorry for any assholes that I killed, but every time someone came even a little close to me they died. This time it was a kid. He had a whole life ahead of him. One not filled with death and violence.

"What is your name?" I asked seemingly into open air, but I received a response.

Discord. Entity of chaos. I gave no reply and kept walking. I ignored the feeling of being watched, and nothing happened on the walk to the science lab. I arrived entered the went wing, and was not prepared for what I saw. Inside were several sluggish moving changelings with pale yellow glowing eyes, and they were all over the hall. And, go figure, what I needed was at the end.

"Motherfucker." Upon hearing my voice they all looked up to find me. They began to stumble forward, and they echoed a horrible, horrible, scream. After stumbling a few steps they began speeding up and their steps gaining coordination.

"Oh that's fucking great. They learn." The first one reached me, and it lunged forward at me. Right before it bit me, I grabbed its head and snapped its neck, taking care to break its spine as well. The now quadriplegic changeling fell down. Without limb control they couldn't move and I was safe. The rest of the group were now sprinting towards me, still screaming that horrible scream. I briefly covered my ears as the scream got exponentially louder, and one tackled me. I grabbed him by the sides of his head and began to squeeze as hard as I could.

I felt something cracking, and a few seconds later its carapace, and skull shattered inwards and it was actually dead this time. Several others jumped on top of me before I could get up, and I pulled out my pistol. They tried biting me, but nothing happened as my armor, while not power armor in any regard, was still pretty tough. I put the pistol at the base of their heads, and fired several rounds into their brains. The rounds pierced their skulls and brains no problem, but they kept attacking me.

"Oh shit this is going to hurt." I said.

What are you talking abo- Discord was asking when I pulled out a plasma grenade and detonated it. I allowed myself a scream of agony as the green waves hammered my nerves, and while my suit was protecting me from damage, it still hurt. A lot. After about five seconds, of an eternity of pain, I returned to my senses. My whole body was sore, and when I moved my muscles screamed at me.

"Son of a bitch man, that hurts." I said with a groan while I forced myself to get up. I looked at my Pip-Boy to check how much damage the grenade had done to me, and as it turns out, it wasn't that bad. I had major tissue damage all over my body, but it was nothing I couldn't handle. About a year in the wasteland, I had learned to tolerate the pain. But, I wan't going to go walking around in this state if I could help it. I applied a single stimpack to all of my limbs. There was an itching sensation, and the pain was gone. Only 10 stimpacks left. Noticing that I hadn't been attacked again, I looked at what remained of the bodies of the changelings. Mostly piles of green goo.

I pushed all thoughts to the back of my head, and walked towards the end of the hall. I pushed open the double doors, and found myself in a science lab. Looking around and seeing nothing more than broken terminals and beakers, I entered the next room. I found myself face to face with a whole lot of greenish transparent eggs, that were abnormally large. They were attached to the walls, and the ceiling. I reached for my plasma explosives, and pulled out several mines. I set them up in a spiderweb pattern that would detonate all of them if one went off.

I set the last one at the doorway, and I retreated several yards away. I aimed the pistol at the lone mine, and squeezed off the shot. Plasma explosions aren't particularly loud, but when all of them go off at once, it sounds pretty bad. Sorta like if you took a rusted cheese grater to a tin can over a loudspeaker. I covered my ears and hit behind a desk as the plasma raced over it. Once the noise stopped, I uncovered my ears and looked at the room. The floor was covered with the green shit that plasma does to living things. Satisfied with my work, I walked back into the hallway to see something that scared me to death.

There standing at the other end of the hallway, was Spike, his eyes glowing the same pale yellow color as the changelings.

Chapter 10

The Jerk
Chapter 10

The zombie Spike let out a bloodcurdling scream, and began running towards me. Actually, belay that, barreling towards me. He was going faster than a creature of his size had a right to. I stood there waiting for him. When he was about 2 feet away, I brought up my leg, and punted him back across the hall. He flew and hit the wall with a sickening crack. After sliding down, he got up again, but had sustained no physical injuries that I could see. Tough bastard. He wasted no time in getting to his feet, letting out another scream, and running towards me.

I waited until he was once again a very short distance away, and I kicked him again; but I didn't put in the full force I could've. After a short distance of skidding, I ran up to him and put my foot of his throat and he simply tried to gnaw on my foot.

"I am so, so sorry about this." I said, and I pressed down on his windpipe, and crushed his neck and spine. He coughed up blood for a few seconds and then fell still. I shook my foot to get most of the blood off, and I began to walk away. As I reached the end of the hallway, I heard a faint gurgling noise, and I turned around to see the zombie Spike pulling himself forward with one hand and trying unsuccessfully to scream, instead making only gurgling and coughing noises. Looking at the sickening spectacle before me, I lost all remaining sympathy for whatever Spike. Things didn't just keep moving even after they were dead.

I walked back down the hallway to the thing still trying to crawl towards me and I reached down and picked it up by its head. I stared in its eyes for a moment, and saw something sickening. His eyes were a grayish black color, and possessed no life in them whatsoever. After that brief moment, I heaved him up, and slammed its face into the ground and its head exploded in a shower of gray goo. The stuff splattered all over my suit, and before I wiped it off it actually started squirming and moving up my suit towards my head. I quickly flung the stuff off and if stopped moving when it was on the wall. I looked back at the shattered mess of blood and bone that used to be a living being and sighed. I walked away, shaking my head as I exited the building. The base was the same as when I left it; buildings deserted, no changelings, and no dead bodies.

I walked towards the exit point and kept my head down the whole way. Nothing happened. There was no noise. It was funny actually. Even if it really unnerved me, the silence was peaceful. Nothing like in the Wasteland. Discord was keeping surprisingly quiet during this period of time, although I could tell this was all affecting him on some level. Before the changelings took over, there was no violence in Equestria.

I took the long period of time that was occupying most of my time, to do an inventory check on everything I had left.

10 Stimpacks, around 32 Med-X. What? Most people would call that overkill. I call it being prepared. I'm a pessimist. I always imagine things at their worst, that way when things are actually at their worst, it doesn't surprise me; and when things aren't at their worst, I feel better about the situation. Stop looking at me like that.

Anyways, 10 Stimpacks, 32 Med-X, and 24 Psycho.

"Discord." I asked into the air, waiting for a response. After a few seconds, it came.

Yes? What is it you need my love?

"Any chance you can help me out with my supplies problem?"

Well, first you have to say please.

"It's a yes or no question."

Say please.

"Kiss my ass."

Close enough....No, I can't help you. Are you hungry? I could make some food. As if on que, my stomach started growling and I realized how long it had been since I had eaten.

"That would be much appreciated."

Chicken and Fettuccine with Sun-Dried Tomatoes coming right up boss. Before I could question it, one of the most appetizing things ever appeared in front of my face. I looked at it greedily, and was about to dig in when a certain asshole spoke up.

Uh, uh, uh! You need to eat it properly. Then a large dinner setup appeared in front of me, complete with candles, and a full set of silverware.

"Are you serious?"

Yes.

"Then I opt out of eating." I had gone longer without food, and I could do it again. Without another word, everything disappeared. Including the food. I kept walking, doing my best to ignore the hunger pangs in my stomach. A short while later, I finally reached the point where I first came in. I activated the stealth module on my suit and walked inside. There was nothing here. I shuffled over to the staircase to the basement, and hopped down into the tunnel leading outward. I couch-walked the rest of the way through the tunnel in case there were surprises hidden for me, but nothing happened.

The silence was getting to me. Making me paranoid. Things were never this silent. I was seeing things in the shadows. Believe me when I say that I was scared to hell and back. I had dealt with all the horror of the Wasteland, and normally, I wouldn't be scared in this sort of situation, but the silence. Man, it was deathly silent. As if everything was dead and I was the last one alive. I reached the end of the tunnel and took the ladder up to the manhole covering. Yea, I was thinking that too. How the hell did ponies use ladders?

Anyways, I was instantly besieged by an invisible storm of fire as I exited the hatch, and I quickly hurried away. Still silent. I pulled up my Pip-Boy radio and tried to contact Shining Armor.

"Shining. Shining, are you there?" I was met with static. More silence.

"Discord, what's going on here?"

Well...It's quiet.

"Obviously. It shouldn't be this quiet. I mean, I there was even noise when I got here, but now...." I trailed off, unwilling to continue.

Just keep going, you aren't helping anyone by standing here.

"Right...." I said, and I continued my trek. Silence.

Chapter 11

The Jerk
Chapter 11

I finally arrived back at the 'Larger on the inside' hut. Glancing around, I noticed that the silence was still permeating the air. I gently opened the door, and found that the room was also empty, save for the training dummies in the middle of the room. I was beginning to think that their company would be preferable to actual living things. Certainly would be more quiet. There were no signs of battle, so there hadn't been any large fights. God it was unnerving. I quickly walked up to the bar/restaurant and was greeted by the cowering form of the bartender.

"STAY BACK! STAY BACK! YOU'RE NOT TURNING ME INTO ONE OF THOSE THINGS!" He shouted at me, while swinging a frying pan at me.

"Just calm down man, it's going to be fine."

"GAHHH STAY BACK!" He yelled swinging the pan again and actually hitting my face. He had a pretty good swing too. "DON'T TOUCH ME YOU FREAKS! I WON'T BE LIKE YOU. I'LL DIE FIRST!"

"Calm the FUCK DOWN MAN!" I near yelled at him, and he took another swing at me and I intercepted the pan and yanked it out of his grip.

"Played dead." He said in a whimpering tone without his weapon. "That's what I did, I played dead. They took the live ones. Oh god I can still hear them! Monsters. AHHHHHH!" He screamed flinching at a small shadow.

"Dude, just tell me what happened. It's going to be okay." I said in a soothing voice. It didn't work.

"The Captain, Sandy, Mendoza, those things took them." I already had a sinking feeling on what happened, but this crazy pony wasn't making things any better.

"Okay man. We're gonna get out of here. Just calm do-"

"THEY'RE GONE! GONE! DO YOU HEAR ME? GONE!" I was getting tired of his freakish rants and I cuffed his head hard enough to knock him out. I picked him up and draped him over my shoulders and I turned around and nearly shit myself. Hey, shut the fuck up. If you had been there you would've been scared too. Anyways, standing in front of me was a perfectly fine princess Luna.

"Why hello there John. It's good to see you again." She said with a calm glare.

"Why, uhm hello there princess. I was just helping this pony here. He was ranting about 'them' taking him or something. Heh, eh- heh.... " I trailed off nervously. This wasn't Luna, even an idiot could've seen that. I was just playing it safe for now. I was never very good at going incognito.

'Luna' raised an eyebrow. "Indeed. Please, you can hand him over, I will take him to the infirmary."

"NO! I-I mean, I really should do it. You know, you gotta rest that pretty flank of yours sometime right? Eh, heheh,...." I gagged inwardly upon hearing myself utter that sentence, but it worked. It seemed even phonies weren't immune to flattery.

"R-really? You think my flank is pretty?" She said with a blush. She blanched, slapped me and ran off her face redder than I would have though possible. I leaned over once she was gone and vomited. After emptying the remaining contents of my stomach I heaved the pony on my shoulders and glanced around. The room was still empty. Taking the opportunity while it lasted, I bolted for the door. Opening the portal, I was once again greeted by that unearthly silence. I exited the building and set off in the direction of the castle on the mountain in the distance. It's not like I had anywhere else to go.

After about 30 minutes of walking, I set the pony down and wrote a note in the mud in case he woke up before I got back.

~~~~~~~~~

I arrived back at the hut, and entered it cautiously. I glanced around, and began exploring, my Pip-Boy mapping out everything around me. I quickly headed in the direction I thought the dungeon would be. Why they would have a dungeon? I don't know, it just seems like the thing they would have instead of a prison. I quickly found several flights of stairs leading down into the lower levels of the base and came to a dimly lit hallway with a single door at the end. I swear, it's like the ponies built things like this on purpose. Oh, and one of the ceiling lights was flickering on and off. Fun right?

I finished walking down the hall and reached the door at the end and when I tried to open it, I found the lock was broken. Goddammit. I turned around and was about to go back the way I came, and saw 'Luna' glaring at me.

"What are you doing here?"

~~~~~~~~~

Heavy Shot woke up with a throbbing head, in a small clearing in the swamp. He glanced around with a confused expression, and then he remembered. Those things. They were like changelings, but they weren't. They swarmed through the base with glowing gold eyes and took everyone who they didn't kill. At first, they thought they could hold them off, they dealt what they thought were killing blows left and right, but they got up and fought again when their backs were turned. It was complete chaos. They had taken his friends, and what did he do? He played dead. He did the cowardly thing and played dead.

He was broken out of his internal monologue by noise. The silence had stopped, but it wasn't what it usually would be, this was worse. In the distance there was a faint screaming noise. And it was getting louder.

Chapter 12

The Jerk
Chapter 12

Heavy Shot was panicking. There was no doubt about that, because he knew what the screaming was. It was the sound of those things. Those, horrible things. He looked around in a panic as the screaming got louder. There was a scant tree cover, and almost nothing to use as a weapon. Louder screaming. There was nowhere to run or hide. Still looking around, he decided to bolt and ran over some small words scrawled in the mud in his haste.

~~~~~~~~~~~

"Well, you see, uhm, I was just walking around and found this hallway here."

"Are you sure that's what was going on?" 'Luna' asked with a raised eyebrow and the same stoic glare.

I sighed. "No, I guess it isn't." She let out a small smile and a blood-freezing chuckle.

"So, you finally figured it out?"

"No, I knew all along. I was just playing along with you. Listen, I'm sure that we can work this out peacefull-" I was interrupted by a blast of energy to my stomach that sent me flying and I smacked against the wall. I stayed on the ground pretending to be injured as I heard her walking over to me.

"Look at you. A pitiful creature that thinks it could defeat the might of the swarm. So patheti-" I did a spin on the ground to get some momentum and I launched myself at her in the blink of an eye and clocked her across the side of her head with all my might.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heavy Shot was going to die. He just knew it. The screaming was getting closer. He was gradually feeling the effects of exhaustion coming upon him {LoL} and he was slowing down dramatically. He was slowed to a fast walk after several minutes of sprinting away. It wasn't until a particularly loud scream ignited his veins with fire and he picked up the pace again. The screaming was louder than ever.

He was lost. Instead of taking the time to find out where base was, he just took off running, and he was cursing himself for it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chrysalis walked up to the disgusting creature before her, that had the NERVE to challenge the might of the swarm! She had incapacitated the thing with minimal effort and was approaching it with disgust in her eyes. She began to berate the creature and was almost finished when he shot up faster than her eyes could follow and her head exploded in pain and her vision went white.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had just hit the fake Luna and she fell to the ground in a flash of green fire and in her place was one of the Changelings. only bigger and didn't have compound eyes. After a few moments, she began to struggle a little bit and her eyelids flickered open only to slam shut in pain.

"Learned your lesson?" I spat out at her in a disgusted tone. She curled up a ball and whimpered pathetically.

"People like you disgust me. Thinking they are better than everyone. Hey news flash bitch, I have fought those more powerful than you with bigger armies, and bigger guns. You and I are simply SPECKS of DUST, at the end of time." I punctuated my words by kicking her and cracking her exposed underbelly. "You don't matter, I don't matter. NOTHING DOES!" I screamed as I kicked her one last time and shattered her carapace.

I then proceeded to pick up her shattered body and held it as high in the air as I could.

"NOBODY FUCKS WITH ME!" I screamed and I brought down her back on the front of my knee. She gave a very loud shout of pain and fell still. I took one deep breath and looked away from the almost unrecognizable mass of green blood and black carapace before my anger kicked in again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was almost out of energy. His infrequent bursts of adrenaline could only sustain him for a short period of time and he barely had any reserve energy left. He kept running. He couldn't hear the screaming anymore, the blood pounding in his ears was deafening and he couldn't see. His vision was narrowing to a small patch in front of him, and his lungs were on fire. He tripped over an exposed tree root and landed on a small mud patch. He had to keep going, but it was so comfortable here. Maybe he could just rest his eyes for a few moments.

And everything slipped into black.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was walking out of the god forsaken building that was now empty of life. I walked outside and sat on the front steps and put my hands in my face and let out a long, drawn out sigh.

Awww, are you okay? Came the voice that I had learned to associate with a complete asshole.

"Go away, I don't want to talk to you."

I can't go anywhere because I am not physically there.

"I said go away." I said through clenched teeth.

C'mon, it's okay. You can tell uncle Discord allllll about it. I closed my eyes and counted mentally to ten, got up, and started walking back to the small clearing away from the base. Luckily for him, Discord had gotten the hint and was no longer talking to me...For now. I arrived at the clearing to see a large amount of hoofprints covering the mud and my note was barely legible. I swore under my breath and began heading in the direction of the prints and found nothing for a long while. I eventually came to another small clearing and the prints just stopped.

"They must've flown off." I muttered under my breath and Mr. Asshole decided to speak up.

Duh! Do you think so?! He asked in a mocking dumb tone.

"ALRIGHT THAT'S IT! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT I SAID EARLIER! I AM GOING TO RIP YOUR INTESTINES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE HELL UP RIGHT NOW!" I screamed at him and there were several moments of tense silence.

...That's harsh man.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heavy Shot awoke with a throbbing head and a swollen eye. After sitting in the silence for a few minutes, he sat up and examined his surroundings. He was in a near pitch black room and was chained to a stone wall with iron bars surrounding the large room, which had no limits as far as he could see.

Gradually, his vision adjusted and he saw other ponies chained to the same wall he was stuck to and they were all staring at him. He squinted his eyes and made out the face of Shining Armor, and some other of the ex-royal guards.

"Heavy Shot? Is that you?" Said the face that looked like Shining.

"Y-" He was about to say when his voice broke and he began coughing furiously. He faintly heard someone say something about water, but he wasn't sure. After the brief bout of coughing, he looked up to see the pony next to him -who was indeed Shining Armor - offer him a bucket of water with a ladle.

"It tastes like shit, but it's drinkable." Shining said when he saw Heavy Shot sniffing it warily and flinching at whatever it was. He slowly brought the ladle to his lips and drank, only to spew it out all across the floor when he tasted it. Shining sighed and tugged the bucket of water away from him when he turned his nose up at any more.

"What happened? We though you were dead after the Changeling attack, I saw you lying on the ground with a gash on your back."

"I played dead."

"So you admit that you abandoned your post in our time of need?" Shining asked with the same gentle voice.

"Y...Yes." He said with his already low hanging head drooping closer to the ground.

"You son of a bitch." Shining said and he waited for a moment, then he lunged at the poor bartender next to him and began to strangle him. The pony offered no resistance and lied there, waiting to die. The truth was, he wanted to die. He was only a simple bartender and when the Changelings took over he had to go and train, and plot and hide in a musty swamp hoping that they didn't do anything to attract attention.

When he was about to pass out from the hooves around his neck there was a loud shout.

"SHINING! THOU WILL RELEASE THIS POOR PONY AT ONCE!" The shout came from across the room where there was a faint outline of an alicorn. His hooves didn't move.

"I SAID RELEASE HIM! NOW!" There were black flecks dancing on his eyes, spinning around in circles and having a merry time. Next came a softer voice, and whatever was said, it convinced Shining not to kill him. The hooves encircling his neck vanished and he took a deep breath of air through his bruised windpipe and he took several breaths in and out wincing in pain.

"You will have to excuse Shining he is just stressed out at...everything." Came another tone, this one motherly in nature and drastically less loud than Luna's. Princess Celestia.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Well then what the fuck do you suggest we do, ASSHOLE?" I shouted the last part at Discord. We were still in the same spot, having an argument over what we should do next. He had eventually convinced me not to maim his still living body and leave his entrails for the crows, which led to what we were doing now.

I am not saying that we shouldn't rescue them, but we really should think it through.

"You just don't want them in charge again right?"

Well...yes.

"So what now then?"

Go rescue them. At least put in a good word for me.

"Why would I do that?"

Because it is so FUCKING BORING being trapped in stone for hundreds of years.

"And...?"

And I am sorry for being an asshole to you.

"That's all I needed to hear." I said with a sigh and I set out for the long walk to Canterlot.

Chapter 13

The Jerk
Chapter 13

"Discord, how much longer do we have?"

You are walking to Canterlot. It takes about a day by train.

"So how much longer by walking?

I'd say a few days at the least.

"Fuck."

~~~~~~~~~

Heavy Shot was lying on the ground, contemplating the situation. He was chained up in the dungeons beneath Canterlot, awaiting his death at the hands of the Changelings...or worse. He shuddered.

"Princess," he said, wincing when he spoke. "what happened when the Changelings invaded? I never learned what happened that day. I was in Ponyville when it happened." Celestia let out a long drawn out sigh from the cell across the room. Heavy Shot couldn't see her, but he knew she was there.

"The day they invaded was the day of the wedding." Celestia began and Heavy Shot nodded, momentarily forgetting that she couldn't see him either. "After Chrysalis defeated me using Shining's love for her, Cadence tried to help him create a shield to push them out of Canterlot using both of their magics, but something happened. The spell failed, for reasons we have not determined yet." Shining Armor let out a * Harrumph* in anger.

"Princess, we both know why the spell failed. You don't need to flatter me. It was all my fault." He said darkly.

"Shining don't say that! No one could have kno-"

"SHUT UP!" He shouted suddenly and startled the princess into shock. "IT WAS MY FAULT! I WAS TOO WEAK!" He slumped to the floor. "I was too weak," he said, gently pounding the floor. "I let them in because I couldn't tell who my wife was, and I didn't listen to Twilight."

"SHINING ARMOR!" Came a fourth voice, belonging to Princess Luna. "Don't you DARE say that! There was no way that you could've known that Cadence wasn't your wife."

"But, I loved Chrysalis, not Cadence. That's why the spell failed, I loved her too much to get rid of her...and I still love her too much to fight properly." He said slowly shaking his head, as he relived the moment yet again in his head.

“Princess Cadance and Shining Armor, it is my great pleasure to pronounce you...” Princess Celestia was interrupted before she could finish.

“Stop!” Came the voice of Twilight Sparkle.

“Ugh! Why does she have to be so possessive of her brother? Why does she have to ruin my special day?” said a sobbing Cadence.

“Because it's not your special day. It's mine.” Came the voice of the second Cadence that had bursted in.

“What? But how did you escape my bridesmaids?”

“I WANT IT!” Shouted three mares that were vying for a bouquet of flowers.

“Hmph. Clever. But you're still too late.”

“I-I don't understand. How can there be two of 'em?” Asked Applejack, in a confused tone.

“She's a changeling. She takes the form of somepony you love and gains power by feeding off your love for them.” said Cadence

“Right you are, Princess. And as queen of the changelings, it is up to me to find food for my subjects. Equestria has more love than any place I've ever encountered. My fellow changelings will be able to devour so much of it that we will gain more power than we have ever dreamed of!” She said laughing and revealing her true form.

“They'll never get the chance! Shining Armor's protection spell will keep them from ever even reaching us.” Said the real Cadence.

“Oh, I doubt that. Isn't that right, dear?” she said with a chuckle.

“Mm-hmm.” Mumbled Shining Armor.

“Ah, ah, ah. Don't want to go back to the caves, now do you? Ever since I took your place, I've been feeding off Shining Armor's love for you. Every moment he grows weaker and so does his spell. Even now my minions are chipping away at it.” She said as Twilight prepared to rush at her.

Suddenly there came a resounding laughter from thousands of Changelings outside of the barrier ramming into it.

“He may not be my husband, but he is under my total control now.”

Twilight Sparkle and Princess Cadance let out a gasp.

“And I'm sorry to say, unable to perform his duties as captain of the royal guard!”

“Not my Shining Armor!” cried Cadence.

“Soon, my changeling army will break through. First, we take Canterlot. And then, all of Equestria!”

“No. You won't. You may have made it impossible for Shining Armor to perform his spell, but now that you have so foolishly revealed your true self, I can protect my subjects from you!” Said Celestia.

Chrysalis watched as Celestia flew upward and fired a beam of energy at her, to which she counter-attacked. For a few moments it seemed that Celestia would win, and everything would be over, but then the green beam started pushing it back, farther and farther until it hit Celestia’s horn and the feedback hit her.

She flew to the ground wincing in pain.

“Ah! Shining Armor's love for you is even stronger than I thought! Consuming him has made me even more powerful than Celestia!” She shouted in triumph.

“The Elements of Harmony. You must get to them, and use their power to defeat the queen.” said Celestia, trying to stay conscious long enough to deliver her message. The elements of Harmony nodded and ran off to find the elements.

“You can run, but you can’t hide!” she said, cackling maniacally.

“You won't get away with this! Twilight and her friends will...” Cadence shouted, when several Changelings brought in the elements of harmony.

“You were saying? You do realize the reception's been cancelled, don't you? Go! Feed!” She shouted to her Changelings, and she started laughing. “It's funny, really. Twilight here was suspicious of my behavior all along. Too bad the rest of you were too caught up in your wedding planning to realize those suspicions were correct.”

“Sorry, Twi. We should've listened to you.” Said Applejack, head hung low in shame.

“It's not your fault. She fooled everypony.” Said Twilight.

“Hmm, I did, didn't I?” Gloated Chrysalis.

“Your spell! Perform your spell!” Shouted Twilight at her big brother.

“What good would that do? My changelings already roam free.” Said a smug Chrysalis.

“No! My power is useless now. I don't have the strength to repel them.”

“My love will give you strength.” Said Cadence as she began to aid his magic with hers.

“Ahaha. What a lovely but absolutely ridiculous sentiment!” Said Chrysalis and as if on cue, Shinings horn emitted a few sparks, and fizzled out.

“I-I’m sorry.” said Shining. “I can’t. I can’t hurt her.”

“Why?” asked Cadence in concern.

“I don’t love you.”

Chapter 14

The Jerk
Chapter 14

"Goddamn it. We have been walking for two days. How much longer do we have Discord?"

One.

"One what? Day, hour?"

Day.

"Fuck."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heavy Shot was confused. There was no doubting that. The captain of the Royal Guard had just admitted that he loved the Changeling Queen and not his actual fiancé.

"So, wait. If you loved her, why didn't she love you back?"

"She was only using me to break the shield around Canterlot."

"Well fuck that shit!"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me! Fuck that shit, you don't need her."

"But I lo-"

"Yes, and I get that. But you seriously need to do a few things. 1). Stop bumming down on yourself. 2). Realize that its not your fault for having normal pony emotions."

"But I love her. Its still my fault." Heavy Shot was getting annoyed. He got up and slapped Shining as hard as he could.

"Gah! What the hell was that man?" He asked, wincing and rubbing his cheek while wearily eyeing Heavy Shot.

"I said, stop it."

"But-" Before he could go any further he was cut off by another slap.

"It's not your fault!"

"Yes it is." He said still downtrodden.

"MOTHERFUCKER! IF YOU DON'T STOP SAYING THAT I WI-"

"Heavy shot." Came the motherly voice belonging to Celestia. "Let him brood. He will have to find his own way." Heavy Shot cringed and sat down, facing away from Shining and nose up in the air. Suddenly, a door on the far side of the room opened and light flooded the room. He winced and covered his eyes with a hoof until they adjusted and two Changelings walked in and dumped a pony into a larger cell that he could now see near the door. All those inside had no shackles and were cramped together so fiercely that they couldn't stand up without bumping into someone.

The cell was an absolute mess. He was disgusted at this inhumane treatment and he sighed.

"Princess," He began, even though Celestia had said a few times to call her by her name, he didn't listen. "Who are those ponies and why aren't they in cells like ours?"

"Those were the ponies that didn't fight, and were deemed non-hazardous. So they were put in a larger cell with no shackles and eventually it was filled. Every so often they take some away and they never come back." She replied, shaking her head and sighing.

"Do you know what's happening to them?"

"No. No idea at all."

My my. You really are a pessimist Celestia.

~~~~~~~~~

Celestia's eyes narrowed when she heard that voice that resounded through the room.

"Discord."

Good to see you still remember me Celestia.

"How are you free Discord?"

Free? Oh, ho no! Far from it. I am still in my nice comfy statue you made for me.

"What do you want Discord?"

Awww, back to business so soon? I really had hoped to chat for a while and catch up on things.

"STOP STALLING!" She shouted in her rarely used Canterlot voice and everybody winced at the resounding ringing it caused. She blushed in embarrassment.

Hmmmm, where to start. Oh yes, I want to be freed again.

"Never. I will never allow you to be free. I will never allow chaos to take over again."

Celestia, Celestia, Celestia. Always having so little fun with your "Harmony". There's nothing wrong with chaos, and I never actually hurt anybody.

"Never." She said stubbornly, stamping her hoof into the ground.

Oh well. We will see if your opinion changes soon.

"We'll see." She said with a smug look on her face and turned to Luna. "So Luna, why in the world did you attack a heavily fortified Changeling base?" Luna adopted an evil smile on her face.

"Well you see it all started a few days ago...."

~~~~~~~~~

"So, let me see...." I started and thought for a moment.

Can't you just look at your Pip-Boy?

"No, I want to see if I can remember.... Where to start. Okay, first of all I am an expert in Entomology."

Which means?

"I really like killing bugs... Okay, I got Fists of Iron. Makes them harder than normal."

Annndd?

"Keep your panties on I'm getting to it. For some reason, things around me explode when I hit them. I have deadened nerves {Toughness} so I can take more damage than others. I have a strong back, and I got Finesse.

Stop not explaining things. He said with a double negative.

"Fine, I am really good at targeting weak points on the body. I got a mysterious man who follows me around and shoots things when I use my V.A.T.S. function. I'm a silent runner, a robotics expert, and I am a night person. I have a skeleton coated with Adamantium, making it super durable. I'm a ninja, a-"

Really? He asked with a deadpan tone? You actually just said that? You said you were a ninja?

"Yes that's right ASSHOLE! I am a motherfucking ninja and you can go suck one. I'm an Infiltrator and a Computer Whiz, so I am a master at infiltration. I can paralyze people by hitting bundles of their nerves and then I beat the living, paralyzed, shit out of them. Oh, yea, so for this next one I have to explain V.A.T.S."

What does that do?

"It allows my Pip-Boy to tap directly into my brain and uses a computer program to near instantly target enemies with whatever weapon I have and acts out the body moves for me."

Impressive.

"Yea, but it has a limited power supply. It's called AP or ability points. I can't keep it up indefinitely. Even though I can't explain it, every time something dies when I am using this function, it restores this power supply. I call it the Grim Reapers sprint. I'm a warmonger, which gives me unique knowledge to construct makeshift weapons like this." and I held up my Deathclaw Gauntlet for emphasis.

That's a pretty cool weapon. You never told me what it's called.

"A Deathclaw gauntlet. One of the most dangerous creatures in the wasteland had its hand ripped off by my and made into a deadly weapon. Ultra-sharp claws."

Is that it?

"Oh hell no! I am a Xenotech expert, and I got nerves of steel."

He was silent for several seconds before I facepalmed.

"Sorry, I am an expert with alien weapons and my body can regenerate the power used by the V.A.T.S. function faster than normal."

Well, I must say that that is pretty damn impressive.

"Most people in the wasteland say I am no longer a human. With how much has changed, I wouldn't be surprised." I said and shook my head.

"Yup... Those fuckers." I muttered.

What's wrong?

"Shut the fuck up." I growled at him.

Okay man, I'm sorry.

"Good...." I sighed. "So, what got you locked up?"

Spreading chaos across Equestria. I still don't see why they didn't like it. I thought it was fairly entertaining.

"Well you have to see it from their point."

What do you mean?

"Well you have to be able to step into their shoes for a moment."

Ponies don't wear shoes.

"Shut the fuck up, I'm trying to help you."

Sorry. There was silence for a few moments.

"Fine. Anyways, while you might see your chaos as entertaining, the ponies might not."

Expand.

"How far did you exactly go with all of this chaos?"

Well, I turned a few of their buildings upside down, made the day/night cycle go haywire, and I made it rain chocolate milk.

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. I hadn't imaged that even HE would go that far.

"Okay man, first of all. You have to see that people-"

Ponies.

"PONIES! Don't like change. There has to be a limit. Anything else you did?"

Well, I made their corn pop into popcorn, I made the clouds cotton candy, and the roads made of soap. I had stopped for a break while he was talking, and I heaved my head back as far as I could, and smashed it into a small, dead, tree. It exploded into splinters.

You okay man?

"Fine, just had to work off some stress. Anyways man, that crosses a few lines. One, like I said, people-"

Ponies. He corrected again.

"WHATEVER! Ponies don't like change. Second, you are probably scaring them with all of the defying of logic."

Isn't that the point of chaos?

"Yes, but you have to tune it down."

I'm not following you.

"Don't cause so much chaos."

....I'm sorry, I am having a hard time grasping this. I sighed.

"Okay. Word by word. Turn down." I stopped.

Okay, so far I'm getting this.

"The chaos."

You had me and then you lost me.

"Okay, let me see.... TURN DOWN THE FUCKING CHAOS!"

GAHHH! FUCK! You don't need to yell.

"I had to get my point across somehow.... Besides, it worked didn't it?"

Well... Yes. I smiled.

"There we go. Now, we begin your lessons."

What's first boss? He said in an Italian accent.

"Okay, first. If you want to be let out, you need a way to convince Celestia or whoever she is, to let you out."

How do I do that?

"Apologize, and make her know that you actually have changed."

But I haven't. I still want to spread chaos everywhere.

"Like I said. Take the chaos down. Don't go spreading it EVERYWHERE. Just, some small chaos here and there. Like that tree. What do you want to do to it?"

I want to turn it into chocolate and its apples into multi-colored/flavored fruit.

"Right there. You can't do that. For instance, instead only turn the apples into other fruit temporarily and when somebody gets confused, turn it back. Like pranking people."

You are the first person to actually try and help me... Why are you doing it?

"Because I swore that I would never allow a crime to go unpunished, any death go un-avenged; and most importantly, always do everything in my power to help people."

What happens if you don't?

"Then I know I have failed."

At what?

"My job."

It's your job to protect people?

"Not really, but I took it upon myself..... If you tell anyone about this I will brutally murder you. You will choke on your own intestines as they come out of your throat."

That's pretty dark for a protector of people. I let out a malicious grin.

"Sometimes there is more than one way to help people. Heal good people, or violently execute and maim the bad."

Still... I let out a long hearty laugh.

"It's fine. Just don't hurt or tell anyone and we'll get along fine. I really like you."

Looks like we're here. True to his word, looming on the horizon was the castle. I looked in awe at its corrupted beauty. The castle remained unchanged in architecture, only it was covered in a black material that formed several holes and came out like a rock at sharp points. Overall, like a giant insect hive.

"Discord, I have one last favor to ask of you."

What's that?

"Actually two."

Yes?

"Can you get my armor back?"

Yes. Out of nowhere, my old set of Winterized T-51b power armor appeared out of nowhere. It even had the helmet, and I slipped into it.

"Fuck you Discord. I could have had it this whole time."

But it's not as much fun that way.

"Screw you. Second request. Can you play a certain song for me while I walk in slowly like a badass?"

What song. I smiled.

"Look into my head. I know you have been doing it for a while. Just start playing it over my Pip-Boy when I say."

You got it boss.

Chapter 15

The Jerk
Chapter 15

"So wait, this creature-"

"Human."

"This... human just barged into a fully armed and Defended Changeling base, just to rescue this child?”

"Yup."

"Luna.... WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?" She winced at her sisters tone.

"I was helping him."

"I TOLD YOU TO STAY LOW! Don't draw attention to yourself, I said, but nooooo, you didn't listen."

"But Tia-"

"NO!" She barked at her younger sister. "You should have listened to me! Now look where you are! Stuck in a dungeon, awaiting god knows what from the Changelings, and all of this because a SINGLE BEING decided to tell you to attack a Changeling base."

"But sister! He-"

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!" She shouted and turned away from her sister and crossed her hooves against her chest.

"Sister please! Just hear me out!"

"NO! I don't want to hear it!" Still facing away from her younger sibling.

Luna let out a "GAH!" in frustration and stomped on the floor. "You can be so STUBBORN sometimes Celestia. A STUBBORN-" Celestia interrupted her.

"Don't say it." Once again facing her, and her barely visible face now glowing with rage. Luna smirked.

"A big, fat stubborn-"

"I'M WARNING YOU!"

"Mule."

"GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Celestia screamed and charged at Luna. Sibling rivalry had been sparked. "TAKE IT BACK!!"

"NEVER!" Luna shouted gleefully and ran around the cell, avoiding her sisters badly aimed attempts to strangle her sister.

"LUNA NOW!" She giggled some more.

"Nope!" And she began to trot around her in circles. "Celestia is just a big, stubborn mule!" She taunted. Celestia didn't respond well.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" She shouted and once again tried to tackle Luna and was rewarded with her face hitting the wall.

"You're really funny when you are mad Tia." Luna giggled again and covered her mouth with her hoof.

"Luna stop." She turned around at the sound of another voice and saw Heavy Shot on the far side of the room in his cell. Thanks to her night-vision, she didn't need worry about lighting.

"What is it Heavy Shot?" She asked with a hearty laugh at her sisters expense who was nursing a bruise on her snout. She mumbled something about how Luna was going to pay, but she didn't pay attention.

"You really shouldn't be teasing your sister."

"It's all in good fun Heavy Shot!" She said smirking and Celestia began to silently plot how to murder Luna in her sleep.

"But really? There has to be a limit somewhere."

"Awww, party pooper." She put on a mock frown.

"Luna really." He said. "Look at her, you have to draw the line at some point." Luna did look, and saw Celestia in the corner holding her hoof in her nose and crying.

Luna's heart cracked.

She went over to her sister and began talking. "Sister, I-I'm sorry. I really didn't mean-" As she put her legs around her crying sister, and Celestia smacked her hooves away and scooted to the other corner.

Her heart shattered.

"Ce-Celestia, I'm sorry."

She kept crying and Luna felt herself tearing up.

"P-please stop crying."

"GO AWAY!" Celestia shouted, and Luna fell to the ground and began crying. After about two seconds she heard something else. It wasn't crying though. It sounded a lot more like.... Laughing? She looked up through her tears to see Celestia laughing her ass off.

"YOU FELL FOR IT!!" She laughed some more. "YOU TOTALLY FELL FOR IT!" and she fell to the ground laughing so hard her sides hurt.

"W-what? What's going on?" Luna asked in confusion through her tears.

"I got you back! I totally got you back!" She fell back to the ground laughing.

"B-but you really were hurt!" She said, shaking her head.

"Nope! Even Heavy Shot was in on it, ask him." and she chuckled her way back to the wall. Luna looked across the cell to see Heavy Shot wearing a shit-eating grin on his face.

"Hello Luna! You really shouldn't tease your sister."

"B-but how?!" She blanched out. "How could you put it together?!" This time Celestia spoke up.

"I communicated with him telepathically and set it up once you started teasing me." She said, still working the chuckles out of her system. Luna's mind went blank for a few seconds and finally rebooted.

"You fuckers...."

"Sorry Luna what was that?" Asked Celestia, leaning over to her sister. "I couldn't hear you!"

"You two really are fuckers." She said, louder this time.

~~~~~~~

Really?

"What?!" I asked in confusion. "There's nothing wrong with 'Way Back Home'. Besides, a slow song makes me look like more of a badass."

No it doesn't man. You really need a lesson in being a badass.

"Well what the fuck am I supposed to play? It's not like there is any other music where I come from."

Just let me handle it. I got the perfect song for this.

"It better be good." I shook my head in defeat. I sighed. "What's this song called anyways?"

Strength Of a Thousand men. And an odd song began playing. Sounded like it was orchestral but, it had some sort of people vocalizing in the background. It sounded good. I liked it.

I began a slow walk forward, and reached the first entrance that was guarded by two Changelings.

“Hello fellas.” I said, with a malevolent grin. “Time to die!” A cheery tone, permeating my voice. I bet those freaks shit themselves. Maybe not actually.... doesn’t matter.

I walked up to the first one and grabbed his head and slammed him into the black wall, and his brains splattered everywhere. I turned around to find myself face to face with Orange Specter.

“Please don’t hurt me mister.” He begged.

“Nice try you fucker.” I kicked him as hard as I could and he slammed into the far wall, with a sickening crack/crunch combination of sound. He slid down the wall, leaving a trail of green slime. It was actually pretty comical.

I kept going with my nice slow walk, the music providing perfect badassery. I walked for a moment through pitch black hallways, only illuminated by my Pip-Boy, until the hallway branched off in two ways.

“Discord, which way am I going?”

Left.

I obeyed his direction and went that way to find a small door that looked like it belonged to the original castle that was fissured over by black spikes. I kicked the door open and there were several Changelings sitting in what looked like a guards’ barracks.

“HEEEERREEESSS JOHNNY!” I said with another evil grin on my face. They all got up and rushed me at once. I intercepted the attack of the first and when he tried to buck me, I grabbed his back legs and flung him at the wall like a slingshot. I turned around in time to barely dodge the attack of the second one, and the third had calculated my movements and bucked me into the wall. There was a loud clang, and I slumped to the floor.

“I’m....I’m sorry. I’ve failed you.” I said in a mock panting and failed tone. “Forgive me....” and I reached into my bag and pulled out a plasma grenade. I increased my panting.

“FORGIVE ME!” I shouted dramatically and pulled the pin while the Changelings looked upon my display in confusion.

“What’s wrong with hi-” And the Changeling never finished his sentence.

The grenade then detonated in a flash of neon-green light. My newly obtained armor protected me this time, and I sustained minimal damage. Except for my hand. My hand was burning like fuck.

“GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FUCK FUCK FUCK!” I jumped up and began to shake it rapidly, swearing all the while. I ran over to a sink and doused my hand in cool water to find it was covered in plasma burns. If it wasn’t apparent already, the metal glove that used to inhabit my hand was gone.

“Damn man.”

Dude, you really have to stop detonating plasma explosives near you.

“Don’t worry. What’s the worst that could happen?” Suddenly, my Pip-Boy began to flash. I pondered what was going on, and I lifted it up to find I had a new perk. I lifted an eyebrow.
I scrolled down until I found the one I hadn’t had before.

Plasma Sponge: You have been exposed to so much plasma, that your body has naturally adapted to it! You are now less resistant to damage, but gain more proficiency with energy weapons. When not wearing heavy armor, your body emits a plasma-like substance when hurt, that deals out a steady area-of-effect burning on enemies and glows in the dark. You also take less damage from all energy sources! Applies the Burning Touch perk.
{-7 DT/DR
+15 to Energy Weapons
+30% to increased damage with Energy Weapons
(Below applies only if not wearing heavy armor)
- 20% Energy weapon damage done to player.
+Plasma pours out of the body when damaged, dealing steady AOE damage in a short range from the player. Glows in the dark.}

I scrolled down some more.

Burning Touch: Your unarmed attacks now do low level plasma damage on contact, and can burn through weak locks.
{+15 Plasma damage on completely unarmed attacks.
+Locks Average or below can be eroded over time with melee attacks.}

I was silent for a moment. Discord spoke up.

Are you okay man?

“Uhhh, yea. Yea, I guess I am. I got a couple of new perks I guess.”

Really? How did you get them?

“Uhhhh....” I hesitated. “Plasma overdose.”

You’re serious? He asked in a deadpan tone.

“Apparently...” I muttered. “Who would have guessed.”

Well I guess you know what that means?

“What’s that?”

…....I was right.

“Fuck you.” I stopped my long string of insults short as I felt a sneeze coming on. “Ah-Ah-AH-CHOO!” and I sneezed. I opened my eyes to see neon-green snot on the floor.

“WHAT THE FUCK!?” I shouted and backed away.

Dude. Your snot’s green.

“YES! I am AWARE of that.”

Dude....... That’s nasty.

“Well it’s not like I have a fucking choice!” I snapped at him.

Calm down man, I’m just saying.... That’s fucking nasty.

“Shut up.” I grumbled and left the room through a back door. There I found myself face to face with two chatting Changelings. They didn’t notice me so I just stood there.

“So, did you hear what happened to the Queen?”

“Just a little bit. That weird monkey thing almost beat her to death.”

“Are you kidding me? He did beat her to death. She only survived because of the bacteria virus.”

“Eh-HEM.” I finally cleared my throat. They turned to me in annoyance.

“What do you wa-” He stopped and took a moment to widen his eyes, rub them, and let them widen again when he saw me.

“I don’t appreciate being called a weird-monkey-thing.” I said in an annoyed tone.

“What the fuck is this thing?” Asked the second Changeling. I smirked.

“New guy?” I asked to the first, jerking my thumb at the second.

“Y-yes.” He stuttered nervously.

“Well newbie, you need a serious lesson in respect.”

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” He said, and shoved me a step back. I stopped myself from hitting him as hard as I could across the room. I was already losing my temper.

“Don’t. Fucking. Touch me. Ever.” I growled at him.

“Or what, asshole?” And he shoved me again. I could take the insults. Really I could, they were nothing. But no-one. I mean NO-ONE ever EVER, touches me.

I hit him as hard as I could down the hall, and even bounced a few times. He still had enough momentum that when he reached the end of the hall, he actually made a sizeable crunch noise. I turned to the other guy with a deadly expression on my face.

“Run. Run as fast as you can if you want to live.” He bolted away without another word. I turned and continued on.

Was that really necessary man?

“Yes. Yes it was.”

~~~~~~~~~

“I fucking hate you guys.”

“Aww come on Luna. don’t be a poor sport.”

“You really made me think I hurt you!”

“You did... You really hurt my feelings.” Celestia said, looking down a bit.

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.”

“But you really did. I thought you meant it.”

“But I didn’t!” Luna replied, trying to cheer her sister up.

She sighed a deep sigh. “Can we please talk about something else.”

“Fine...So how are you?”

“Really Luna?” She deadpanned. “Really?”

“What?!”

“It’s nothing.” She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. Well I don’t know, the equivalent of pinching with a hoof.

“So do you come here often?”

“Just... Shut up.”

~~~~~~~~

“Which way?” I asked yet again, as I stood in front of about 10 hallways.

Hmmm... Second from the middle on the left.

I complied and walked in the direction he indicated and found myself in another room with four Changelings.

“Heya fella’s! How’s it going?” I said, and without missing a beat, they all jumped up and scrambled towards me. Except for the last one, he just sat at his table smoking something. I dodged the first one and delivered a nasty uppercut to the second, his head exploding on contact with my fist. I grabbed the last one and twisted his neck sharply. He fell to the floor, dead. I turned around and saw the one that I had dodged glaring at me.

“Something you want?” I asked in an annoyed tone.

“DIE!” He shouted and flew at me. I laughed for a moment and entered V.A.T.S. and the supercomputer in the Pip-Boy tapped into my nervous system and took over as I ducked under him, and my fist slammed into his stomach. He slowly curled into a ball, clutching his stomach in pain and I brought my palm across his face in a nasty bitch-slap. He comically spun in the air before crashing into the wall.

Finally, I turned to the one smoking at his table. “Sup’ dude?” I said with a nod of my head.

“Nothing.” He said waving his hoof at me nonchalantly.

“You really shouldn’t smoke.”

“Whatever man.” He waved me off and I shrugged and continued on my merry way.

You’re just going to let him go?

“He's going to die anyways.”

Good point. I walked for a while, passed something that looked a lot like a vending machine and came across a large, regal door that was tainted by black crust that had enveloped the castle. In front of the door were two Changelings leaning against the door playing cards.

“High security my ass.” The looked up at me and freaked out, and one of them levitated a spear at me.

“HALT! By order of Queen Chrysalis you are ordered to surrender and-”

“Shut up.” I said, pinching my nose. “Just... Shut up. I really am disappointed with you guys.”

They glanced at each other and looked back at me in confusion.

“E-excuse me?” Said the one with the spear.

“You heard me! I am seriously fucking disappointed. For gods sakes, that town in the valley down there had better security than this place. I mean, what the fuck?!”

“I-I’m not sure I follow.”

“Dear god.” I muttered under my breath and walked up to the first one. I grabbed his head and threw him at the other guard. “You guys should really just give up.” and I pushed at the door, to find it unlocked. There was nothing, except another long ass pointless hallway with another set of doors encrusted with jewels and the windows were depictions of ponies fighting things, and other events I assumed that were important. I looked back at the guards that were busy disentangling themselves from each other and I continued.

As I approached the second set of doors they finally figured it out, and ran up behind me and they both had spears now.

“HALT! NOW!” They said, trying to be intimidating.

“Guys, I have already given you a chance to leave. Now I am giving you another. That’s two more than most people get. Make sure you choose correctly.” The looked at eachother again Changeling one stepped forward and thrusted the spear at my chest. It clanged off of my armor without leaving a scratch and I glared at him. I took a step forward and brought my fist across his shocked face.

He coughed and spat out a tooth.

“Is that all you got?” He asked blearily.

“I gave it about a quarter power.” I deadpanned. “Now leave.”

“No.” I punched him again, and he went flying into one of the windows and cracked the glass, destroying the priceless art that it once displayed. I looked at the other. He ran. I turned around and continued my journey across the hall and once I got to the doors and I found they were locked.

“You know how to open this door Discord?”

Only Celestia can open it.

“Bullshit. Anything can be opened with enough force. By the look of it, these doors are pure gold, and gold is a pretty weak material.”

Whatever you say man.

I took out my power fist, and brought my arm back, going as far as I could, and slammed it into the door as hard as I could, and the attack left me stumbling for a second. I got up and surveyed my handiwork. There was a sizeable dent in the door, about the size of a soccer ball.

“See?”

Yea, yea. Don’t do rubbing it in.

“Why not?” I teased. “I was right.” He didn’t give a response and I shrugged and slugged the door again with less force. The dent widened and I began to relentlessly hammer on it, to which the door responded by allowing the dent to widen. I backed up a bit and looked over the door again. I was almost through the door, but that would only be a small hole. I activated the modded V.A.T.S. function on my Pip-boy and scanned the door.

What I found surprised me. The door had hinges. Very small ones that I couldn’t see, but they were all along the sides of each door. I got closer again, and saw them for myself. There were indeed many small hinges holding the door to the wall. There were so many, that were so close together that they almost looked like one single attachment to the wall.

I punched the side of the door, hitting a bit of rock in the process, and when I pulled the power gauntlet away, a few of the things fell to the ground. I repeated the process all along the edge and the door was swaying. I noticed it and I grabbed the edge near the bottom and pulled, snapping the remaining few hinges. The whole thing came down on top of me and I barely had time to swear.

“Fuck me.” And I was crushed into the ground.

Chapter 16

The Jerk
Chapter 16

*CLANG*

“HMMMHPPHHHPPPHH!”

*CLANG*

“MMMMHHPPPHHH!”

*CLANG* *CLANG* *CLANG*

“MPH MPHHPH!”

Need some help?

“MPHHHPHPHPHPH!!!!!”

I’ll take that as a yes.

~~~~~~~~~

I pounded on the door that had flattened me onto the ground.

“GAHHH” I tried to shout, only it came out more like a “Mmmpphhth”

I pounded the door some more. Again screamed unsuccessfully and let another scream loose. I was then that I heard Discords voice.

Need some help? He asked with traces of humor in his voice. I began to hurl every expletive I knew at him, only to be muffled by the door.

I’ll take that as a yes. He said and the door was lifted off of the ground and I groaned.

“Son of a bitch.” I moaned and rubbed my aching head.

You okay man?

“Yea. Thanks for the help.”

No problem. I rubbed my face with my hands and took a few deep breaths. I looked over at the now prone door across the room where Discord had flung it and the small impression of me in the stone floor. I raised an eyebrow.

“Am I really that short?”

Maybe? Discord answered with cautious tone. Smart choice for him.

“Alright, let’s see what all this trouble was for.” I said and got up to survey the other side of the wall. Nothing special, except for a dust-covered chest that was on a pedestal in the exact center of the room. It was obviously important. I mean, why protect it with the softest metal on earth. Then again, it was one of the heaviest. Certainly stopped me.

“Discord, any idea what’s in the chest?” I asked, eying the chest wearily.

The Elements of Harmony. The most powerful weapon that Equestria has, or I should say -had-, in their possession.

“What do they do?” I asked, now walking towards the box. It was purple, encrusted with many jewels and gold inlaid.

It.... Varies.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

It depends on the situation. The two times they were used however, was a giant rainbow of friendship. By friendship, I mean death.

“A giant rainbow laser of death.” I deadpanned. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Well... I exaggerated a bit. It doesn’t actually kill anything.

“That’s a relief.” I said, rolling my eyes in the process. “I still don’t see how a giant rainbow laser could do shit.”

Don’t underestimate their power.

“Yea yea. Don’t worry.”

~~~~~

Celestia jerked upward from her slumber.

“SISTER!” She ran over to her sister and began to shake her till she woke up.

“Urrghhh.” Luna groaned groggily.”Celestia, do you have any idea what time it is?” She asked wincing at the light that only she could see.

“No, but this is important! The warning spell I put on the Elements of Harmony vault has been broken.” Her siblings eyes shot open.

“Are you sure?!”

“Absolutely. Do you think the Changelings finally managed to open the vault?”

“Maybe, they certainly have had enough time to figure something out.”

The dark blue pony hesitated with a response. “Can the Changelings even use the Elements?” She asked with a spark of hope.

Celestia didn’t respond for a few moments. With a monumental sigh, she replied. “Yes sister. But to do that, they would have to eliminate the current element bearers.” If her eyes could’ve gotten any bigger, Luna’s eyes would have burst out of her head.

“What?!?” She sputtered. “They are going to kill Twilight and her friends?”

“If they can’t figure anything else out, they might resort to that. Luckily for them, they know nothing about the Elements. We are safe for now.”

Luna didn’t bother to respond at all this time. She was silently brooding this new contemplation in silence.

~~~~~

“Well fuck me up the ass with a minigun.”

What?

“I don’t know.” I said, staring at a very large Changeling horde before me. There were a select few who were normal, but most of them were the undead. They screamed and I covered my ears.

“FUCK!” I yelled wincing at the high pitch noise. “DISCORD! Any help?!?!?” I yelled to him over the din.

Run?

“I love your way of thinking.” And I ran. I ran so far away. Ha, not really. I jumped out of the window. I flew downwards for about twenty feet into a garden adorned with multiple statues below. Glass rained down all around me as the screaming mob of undead Changelings either jumped to their deaths or learned to fly. In their credit, most of them did. I took off into the garden, passing behind statues of things that I couldn’t recognize.

Hey, hide behind that statute there. He indicted in my mind to a weird lizard looking thing with a terrified look on its face.

“REALLY!?” I took a ‘Are you fucking serious face’ and kept running. “I CAN’T HIDE NOW!!”

Just DO it. Trust me.

“Look,” I said in between breaths. “You’re a nice guy and all.” I ducked under a Changeling that flew over my head. “But there is no way in hell that I trust you.” and I ran past the statue.

Man. you really suck.

“I love you too honey.” I said sarcastically. “Now pull your mind out of your ass and HELP ME!” I swerved around a corner to find myself face to face with a Changeling glaring at me.

“Move it bitch.” I used some parkour and kicked him while jumped over him. Let me tell you, parkour is hard in full power armor. I continued sprinting.

“DISCORD! HELP ME!” I shouted and burst through a hedge to find myself at the edge of a vast crater. I turned to see the Changelings rapidly approaching me.

“DISCORD!” I shouted, backing up as far as possible. “IF YOU LET ME DIE, I WILL MURDER YOU!” Still no response. “DO YOU HEAR ME?! I WILL RIP OUT YOUR SKULL AND BEAT YOU WITH IT!”

There was still nothing and I finally stopped screaming into the air. He wasn’t going to help me. The mob had stopped before me and it slowly parted to reveal a battered, scarred, and ragged but very much alive, Queen Chrysalis. The fucker that left me to my death had left me to my death had filled me in on the blanks in my info.

“How the fuck are you still alive?” I asked with a mixture of disgust and awe.

“The v-v..” She broke off coughing. “Virus. I-I barely s-survived.” She said, her words punctuated with periodic twitches.

I felt pity on her for a moment, but just a moment.

“Look at you. Shouldn’t be alive, yet you are walking around and it looks like you are dead. Just an abomination that should be cleansed.”

“Y-you have n-no right to s-speak to me like t-that.” She was shaking vigorously now.

I shook my head. “I feel bad for you. Know why? Because I would rather die than be what you are right now.”

“E-enough banter. M-minions. Secure the E-Elements.” She pointed a shaking hoof at me, and they held for a moment. Only a moment.

“Do your worst.” and I jumped back into the crater.

~~~~~

He bashed against the black walls that encrusted him. He was so close, yet so far away. He slammed them as much as possible, feeling the crack widening.

Discord was having a hell of a time trying to widen the crack in his statue enough to escape. He supplied all of his reserves of chaos energy to combat the orderly magic that imprisoned him, yet it still wasn’t enough. He slammed his all of his might against the crack, trying to open it only to be stopped at the last moment. The spell was still too strong.

He yelled in frustration as he saw the human reach the edge of the crater he had created last time he was free. It wasn’t enough. The human began to yell into the air promising threats of murder and revenge if he didn’t help him right now.

“I CAN’T!” He tried to yell back, but to no avail. His stone prison prevented him from doing anything more than basic magical conversion, which greatly weakened him even then. He had to focus on holding the Harmonic magic trying to seal his prison again back. Since the Elements had been taken from their magical cage, the residue magic had been empowering the spell, ever so gently.

He slammed his mind against the breach again, still screaming in his head.

“NO NO NO!” Then, he felt something give way. Ever so little, but it was enough. He grinned and pushed forward with renewed might.

~~~~~

I slid down the walls of the crater, leaving a trail of dust in my wake, and I did a leaping roll and set off at a sprint, until I was at the center of the crater. All around me, Changelings -undead and live, it didn’t matter - were gathering along the edges of the crater. I was trapped. The Queen walked up and spoke in a loud voice that cracked frequently.

“You had s-such promise. Y-you could have b-been the lead of my forces. Y-you had to choose the p-ponies.” Came her voice, booming across the crater.

“I WOULD NEVER HAVE FOLLOWED YOU!” I shouted back, holding the Elements behind me.

She sighed. A cracking, dry, disgusting sound. “S-so be it. Kill h-him.” And the Changelings poured across rim of the bowl I was in and began to steam down the walls. I looked in my bag. Same as last time I checked. Except... I spotted something olive gray and drab upon my searching. I was already drowning out the thundering of hooves and screaming, so I was able to search in peace. I dug down and my hand came into contact with a football shaped object.

I put on a shit eating grin and pulled out my last mini-nuke.

“COME AND GET ME YOU FUCKERS!”

~~~~~

With a loud flash of white light and a particularly loud crack, one of the statues in the Royal Canterlot Garden disappeared, and in its place stood a full color replica of it. Only if one looked close, you could see it was moving, breathing and very much alive.

Discord shook his head and stood up upon the dying grass. He let out a small laugh in disbelief.

“I....I’m alive.” He said and began to laugh hysterically. “I’M FREE!” He shouted, thunder cracking upward from the ground behind him in a flash of drama. He took a deep breath of the cool air and did a small spin. Things weren’t quite as he remembered them, but then again, the Changelings didn’t take too much care of the wildlife. He marveled at the world around him. Being able to move was amazing, but being able to smell, to see with his own eyes, and hear with his own ears. It was indescribable.

Suddenly, a loud rolling boom and an ominous looking mushroom cloud emanating from the crater caught his attention.

“Oh no.” He said and flew off towards the crater, still too weak to teleport.

~~~~~

I placed the mini-nuke, who I had dubbed the Fuck-Shit-up-Inator at the time, - Hey, it’s not like I had the time to come up with something good. Anyways, I placed the Fuck-Shit-up-Inator in the box containing the Elements of Harmony and hooked up an egg-timer with some wire to it and held it above my head.

“HEY FUCKER!” I shouted to the Queen and she shouted over the noise of her subjects about to maim me.

“W-what is it you w-want heathen?!”

“KISS MY ASS!” And the timer was at 5 seconds.

Second 5, she stared at me confused.

Second 4, she cocked her head to the side.

Second 3, her eyes narrowed.

Second 2, they widened in horror.

Second one, she shouted. “STOP HIM NOW!” And the Fuck-Shit-up-Inator detonated. It detonated within the box and for a brief moment, nothing happened. I stared at the box incredulously.

“FUCK ME!” I shouted at the box and threw it onto the ground, and it tipped open slightly and a whole explosion poured through it and threw the lid open. It fired the Changelings around me, and when the shockwave hit me, I flew backward, tearing through the black insects, bouncing on the ground before finally slamming into the crater wall on the far side. There are no words to describe the amount of pain I felt at that moment. I had several broken bones, probably a concussion, my insides were on fire and I felt blood pouring out of multiple wounds over my body.

The last thing I saw was the strange lizard thing from the garden flying over the crater.

Chapter 17

The Jerk
Chapter 17

I jerked up with a start and gasped in pain as my broken bones grinded all along my body and I coughed. That hurt too. As a result of the pain, I coughed some more. Thus began a coughing/pain cycle that lasted a few minutes and I finally fell over from lack of breath. I resisted the urge to cough again. I took a shaky breath and held my position on the stone ground for a few more moments then sat up slowly, using my one uninjured arm.

I was in a cave with an empty fire pit in the center and a howling blizzard outside. The heat had yet to dissipate outside, even with a smoldering fire, the cold should have found its way inside. I looked around and saw my armor sitting in a neat little pile at the end of the cave. I also spotted my small sack full of my shit and I crawled over to it weakly.

Looking around inside it, I found my few remaining stimpacks. I used them and felt relief wash through my limbs. I took a deep sigh and slumped back, trying to remember what happened. I had detonated the Fuck-Shit-Up-Inator, and I remembered bouncing and crashing, but that’s it. I tried again, but I the only other relevant thing was a flying lizard thing. I got up again and winced at the sore pain in my muscles, but it was better than broken bones.

I walked over to the entrance to the cave and found it was blocked by some sort of invisible forcefield. I touched it curiously and it rippled slowly. Not deciding to test how much it could hold, I went back to the small fire pit and slumped over. I felt sleep overtaking me and I obliged gladly. Right before I nodded off, there was a flash of white light and the lizard thing appearing before me.

I was too tired to fight it now, so I fell asleep before I could interrogate the thing.

~~~~~

Discord re-appeared in the cave, using the energy he gathered from his battle with the Changelings to spread some chaos and evacuate John from the battlefield. He was now gaining power at a steadily ascending rate. He now had enough magic at his disposal to heal John and he was about to do just that, but found he had used the last of his stimpacks to do it instead.

“You stupid asshole.” He mumbled as the human fell asleep. He relit the fire by tossing a pink cloud of cotton candy into it, and the flames roared as they consumed the sugar. After it was all gone, the fire inexplicably stayed up. He didn’t care, it was chaos. He sat for a few moments and gathered his thoughts, and was bored in moments. He had to be here when John woke up again to make sure he didn’t fall asleep before they could talk.

Discord found his thoughts being drawn to the mysterious armor he had pried off John and thrown carelessly into the corner. Doing the exact opposite of what normally would happen, they landed in a carefully organised heap. He went over to them and picked up the battered plates. They were scratched, blackened, and dented but they would still serve their purpose in combat. He was confused as to how the stuff had survived the explosion, and even more so on how the being had survived. It had roasted the Changelings alive, yet not affected him in any way, only flinging him backward.

He cast a small orderly spell on the plates, and it took most of his magical energy away for a moment. Contrary to popular belief, Discord could actually cast spells that weren’t set in chaos, but it took much out of him. The plates were made of some unknown metal, that was pretty much indestructable. He gave a confused frown, and cast the same spell on John. He gasped for air and fell to one knee for a moment before regaining his bearings. The spell had a different result on him. Most of his flesh was scar tissue, even his actual muscle was scarred severely. He was surprised that he was still able to move, as scar tissue wasn’t very flexible.

His bones yielded different results. As he had said before, his bones were metal, except for the marrow on the inside. His body had suffered several mutations, some more passive than others, yet all of them deadly in some way. Discord was shocked at how much abuse the human had endured, more than any living thing had a right to experience. Then, an idea came to him. It was dangerous, but it just might work.

If he could look into the human's mind, maybe he could get a more accurate experience on what he went through, so he could sympathise with him. He exhaled slowly and closed his eyes, and grabbed the man's head and poured himself into Johns mind.

~~~~~

“Sir, I suggest you comply. We don’t want any more incidents do we?”

“No. There’s no need for more violence, just let me bring it online.” A few moments passed as James began to type commands into the console.

“I grow tired of waiting.”

“Almost finished.” He said.

I watched the spectacle with a nervous look, seeing my Dad in there with those Enclave bastards, and yet I could do nothing.

“C’mon Dad. You can think of something.” I whispered under my breath, clenching my fists. I was silently observing what he was doing to the console and my eyes widened right before he punched the execute key.

“NO!” I screamed and I slammed my power glove into the glass, cracking it a bit. There was a small puff of smoke and all of the people in there began to double over and clench their heads as they fell over and died. My dad stumbled towards the airlock door.

“Run.” He coughed a little. “RUN!” My head went blank.

I stood for a moment.

“NO!” I screamed again and pounded on the door, cracking the class a bit more.

“John, there is nothing we can do. The radiation in there is lethal.” Said Doctor Li, in a controlled tone, yet I could feel her emotions frothing forth in her eyes.

“NO! I CAN SAVE HIM!” And I punched the glass again, it began to splinter even more.

“JOHN!” She shouted and slapped me. I was shocked. “THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO! HE IS DEAD!” A tear rolled down one of her cheeks. “Believe me I am angry too, but he have to get out of here. The Enclave are coming and we don’t have much time.” I took one last look at the chamber longingly and slumped in defeat.

“Let’s get the fuck out of here.” I said and walked down the metal stairs, and as I did, I could’ve sworn I saw something on the far side of the room. It looked like some sort of lizard. I blinked and it was gone. Shaking my head, I continued down to the little manhole cover and dropped down into the sewers and waited for the rest of the scientists to drop down.

“C’mon guys let’s go.” I said, dejected.

“Who put you in charge? Are you just going to take the spot like your father did? Full of empty promises and dead dreams?” Asked one of them, Daniel Angicourt, said to me no moving.

“Fucker, my father just died up there buying time to save your sorry ass to get away.” If looks were capable of killing, he would have been vaporized on the spot. He blanched a bit.

“I-I’m sorry man. I had no idea! Honest.”

“Yea, sure fucker. If we have to sacrifice anybody, it’s gonna be you. Let’s get moving.” And I set, off not turning to see if they were following me. For a few moments, there was silence as we trudged through the filthy water. I heard a familiar rasp as I went around a corner, and I brought my power fist up in a fighting stance and intercepted a Feral Ghoul as it charged me. I parried its first attack and slammed my weapon into its head. It exploded in a shower of gore. I looked over my shoulder and once I confirmed that the scientists were okay, I kept walking.

I encountered several more ghouls that I dispatched in the same manner as the first, and as I rounded a small corner, I could’ve sworn something was hiding in the shadows in the far end of the room. I narrowed my eyes at it, and opened V.A.T.S. I then identified some sort of tall thing that was cloaked. I charged over to it, and threw my fist in its direction. Right as I was about to make contact, the thing revealed itself and I found myself with some sort of freaky mutant.

“What the fu-” I began but then something caught my eye about the creature. It seemed familiar. It seemed so familiar. It hit me right as I felt something tugging at my mind. I was dreaming.

~~~~~

I woke up with a start to see the thing in my dream standing over me holding my head.

“Oh fuck no.” And I torpedo kicked the thing off of me into the far wall. I approached its prone form and brought a fist up and was about to beat the thing to death when its eyes snapped open.

“WAIT WAIT!” It shouted in a familiar tone of voice. That was Discords voice.

“Discord?!”

“Yes, that’s me. As I was about to explain right before you attacked me.”

“You think it’s okay?!”

“What are you talking about?” He asked confused. I myself was a bit confused by the situation. I had imagined Discord to be another pony, only he was a weird mix of.... things.

He had some sort of talons for one hand, and a paw for another. He had a weird lizard tail, a goats head with two mismatching horns, and his feet were the same way.

I shook my head after taking a moment to respond. “You left me to die. Then you think it’s okay to go snooping around in my head?!? You’re lucky I don’t dismember you where you stand.” I said pointing a finger at him.

“But-”

“NO! I am not in the mood for your bullshit explanations. Just tell me where the fuck we are, and where the Elements are.”

“Well....” He began and stopped.

“The Changelings have them don’t they?” I asked with a sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose.

“Yes.”

“Well that’s fucking peachy. Just tell me where we are.”

“In a cave in the northern reaches of Equestria. Chrysalis is executing a nation-wide search for you and I this is the only place safe for now. You were unconscious for a few days.”

“Well that’s not too bad.”

“Aren’t you surprised?” He raised an eyebrow at me.

“Not really. I once spent two weeks in a radiation induced coma. I thought I was dead actually.”

“Really? Did it have anything to do with that purify-” I slugged him as hard as he could across the face.

“That’s for fucking with my head. I don’t want to discus it, and if you go in my head again, I will not hesitate to kill you.” A short moment of silence.

“Message received.” He said, rubbing his cheek.

“Good, now we need a plan on how to approach the situation.” I said, tapping my chin in mock thought.

“Well, we could start out with freeing the prisoners.” He suggested with a shrug.

“As good as that sounds, I can’t think of a way to get in. They have probably beefed up the security there.”

“Well I could always teleport us in.” I glared at him.

“Why the fuck didn’t you teleport us there the first time?!?!”

“Well in order to tell you, you will have to hear my ‘Bullshit’ Excuses.” He said with air quotes.

“Fine, make it quick.” I said, tapping my foot impatiently.

“I was breaking out of my stone imprisonment while you were running away with the Elements. That’s why I couldn’t help you.”

“What about the teleporting, man?”

“I’m getting to it.” He said. “I can only teleport when not imprisoned. Thus how we are here now.”

“Fine. Do you think you could teleport all the ponies in there out at once?”

“No, but if you can hold off the Changelings, I could do them in small groups.”

“Sounds like a plan. Get me in there.” I was suddenly hit with flash of white light in my eyes and waves of nausea. I suddenly materialized in a room that was akin to a bathroom, only smaller. It was a women's restroom but these things weren’t at the front of my mind at the moment. What was, was the nausea hitting my stomach. I vomited all over the floor and collapsed onto my knees.

“Sweet merciful fuck!” I yelled when I had finally stopped puking my guts up. “Discord, what the hell man?!? Why didn’t you warn me?!”

Sorry. I didn’t know you would react negatively to it.

“Whatever man. How close am I to the cells?” I said, waving him off.

Just outside on your left, not too far down. You will know when you see it.

I opened the puny door, squeezed through and found myself in ANOTHER long fucking hallway. It’s like these ponies built things like this on purpose. After all this was over and done, I was going to track down and violently murder whoever made this castle. But, I digress. I looked down the hallway and saw a guarded steel door not too far away. I cracked my knuckles.

~~~~~

All the ponies in the room jerked awake at once when they heard the guard yelling from the other side of the door.

“STOP RIGHT THERE!” He shouted, and apparently whoever it was, didn’t stop.

“I SAID HALT!” The guard shouted again and there was a loud clang followed by a snap and a scream of pain.

“MY SPINE!!!!!” The ponies winced.

The other guard shouted at that moment, “ARRRGHH!” They winced some more. “MY EYE!” There was another scream, from another guard. “MY BLOOD! HE PUNCHED OUT ALL OF MY BLOOD!” The screaming stopped abruptly. There was a loud pounding on the door, the clangs resounding through the poorly-lit room. If the ponies could have been exhibiting any less movement, then they would have not been able to move. The pounding stopped, and the sound of something walking away. They breathed a sigh of collective relief.

Then, the door suddenly burst open with a strange creature with white armor on was barreling the door down. It slammed into the ground, with the creature on top. It got up, shaking its head.

“Urrghh. That really fucking hurt.” It muttered under its breath rubbing the side of his head.

Chapter 18

The Jerk
Chapter 18

The creature sat up a bit and resumed rubbing its head.

“Dear god, I am never doing that again.” It muttered, and it suddenly spat out a glob of blood complete with a small tooth. “Urgh.”

The ponies were shocked. There was some sort of odd creature in white metal armor that had just killed four or five Changelings guards and broken down a solid steel door. They were confused greatly. Except for a few certain ponies. Those ponies were, in so specific order, Shining Armor, Orange Specter, Heavy Shot, and Luna. Celestia stood up in shock.

“I demand you tell me who you are.” She glared fiercely at the intruder.

“Shut up bitch.” It said nonchalantly. “I’m here to rescue you.”

“I will not allow you to take any of my little ponies anywhere until you tell me who you are.”

“T-tia.” Interjected Luna. “T-that’s the human I told you about earlier.”

~~~~~

I put on an unamused look and walked forward to the pony princess, whose eyes were as wide as plates.

“I will END YOU!” I screamed, and grabbed the iron bars that composed the cell and began to pull on them and they began to bend under the force of my arms. The brittle iron snapped after a few moments and jumped through the hole.

“No one talks to me like that.” I said as I walked forward menacingly. She stood her ground, although I could see the fear in her eyes.

“S-Stay back.” She warned, and I kept walking. Without a seconds warning, planted her front legs and pivoted to buck me. I had already recognized the signs of a classic buck, and I could have easily dodged it, but I decided to humor her. The kick launched me crashing into stone wall and I crunched into the wall, leaving a comical indent. I fell out of the impression of me and landed on the ground not moving. Pretty much acting unconscious.

It was then that Luna began to chew her sister out.

“CELESTIA! WHAT THE FUCK?!?” She screamed in her royal Canterlot voice. Celestia winced at her sisters barrage and then retaliated when it was over.

“I WAS DEFENDING MYSELF! IT PLANNED ON HARMING ME!” She yelled back. I grinned on the floor.

“YOU JUST ANGERED ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL BEINGS IN EQUESTRIA!”

“I think not. I took him down with a simple buck.”

The two sisters turned around at the sound of my slow clapping and when Celestia saw my face she blanched. I was missing a few teeth and I had several cuts.

“Nice try. You almost hurt me!” I stopped clapping. “But no one ever attacks me without getting away with it.” I started to walk towards her again, and she charged me again. She launched a hoof at my face, and I could’ve easily blocked it, but I allowed it to land and knock me to the ground. I got up with a large hoof shaped bruise on my face.

“Resistance is futile.” I said in a monotone. “You will be terminated.” She hit me again, but this time I kept my balance and whipped my head back up. More teeth were missing and I had a black eye, which was bleeding profusely. I dropped back and a chair materialized beneath me, catching my fall. A wine glass appeared in my hand and I swirled it while adjusting my monocle.

“So how are you dear madame?” I asked with a french accent. She hit me again. The chair and my accessories disappeared as I hit the floor. Once again, I rose and I gave her a blank expression.

“Man, that last hit might have exceeded nine thousand joules.” I said, adopting a questioning look on my face. She hit me again. My face was now a bloody pulp.

“My dear, I dare say you really need to work on your anger management.” Her once confident look now had descended to one of horror. My face was unrecognizable. Just to say, I was in extreme agony right now. But I was keeping it hidden for the comedic effect.

“Might I inquire, madam, how much fun on a scale of zero to ten are you having right now? Because I am having quite the amount of fun out of this particular event!” I was once again hit by another kick, hitting me into the wall again. I fell down and made another quip.

“Great Scott! You nearly kicked me into last tuesday!” She wound up as much force as she could in her right hoof and hit me insanely hard. It hurt like a fucking bitch.

“You really need to work on your right hook. Here, let me show you how’s it done.” And I punched myself in the face. Hard. With a power fist. Let me say, it hurt more than anything ever. But it was worth it. She stared at me in shock. I stared at her, barely staying awake though the pain and blood loss.

“I never asked for this you know.” I sniffed. “All I wanted was to have a hill with a beautiful view of the sunset. With a little wooden house with a porch where all my friends would hang out and play cards and test. Oh wait! I have none.” I sniffed again. “And, you just broke my face. I don’t think I even have a nose anymore. I wanted to see how that orange flower thingy smelled.”

“W-what?!” Asked the now completely horrified and shocked Celestia.

“Do I have to repeat myself?” I deadpanned. Which was kinda hard considering I no longer had any proper facial features. And an overwhelming urge to strangle Celestia.

“Uhhh, no.... Are you okay?”

“Would you care for a coffee mug of tea?” I asked, snapping my fingers and a floating white mug with ‘coffee’ written on it materialized in my hand. It was filled with tea.

“Uhhhh, no.”

“More for me then.” And I opened my jaw. When it did, there was a loud crack and shot of pain that made me drop the mug.

“FUCK!” I shouted and dropped to the floor, no longer fighting the pain.

“Are you okay?!” She asked suddenly caring for my well being. Right after inflicting crippling wounds to my head. Right.

“OF COURSE NOT YOU FUCKING BITCH!!! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK! OH SWEET MOTHER OF FUCKING NIGGER JESUS ON A BIKE! OH DEAR LORD OF ALL THINGS UNHOLY! MAKE IT STOP! OH DEAR PISSING SNAKE GOD ON A FUCKING PLANE THIS HURTS SO MUCH!” I screamed, cracking my vocal cords and holding my face while blood ran down my hands.

“DISCORD! HELP ME!” Suddenly the pain stopped so abruptly, that I kept screaming for a few moments before I realized my body was no longer protesting my actions any longer. I inhaled after my long scream and shuddered as I still felt the remnant pain going through my body. I got up and dusted my shoulders.

“So.” Shaking my head. “Let’s get down to business.”

“D-did you just say Discord?”

~~~~~

Discord watched the entire spectacle as John talking down Celestia while she was inflicting major pain to his face. He even went so far as to punch himself in the face. Overall, Discord was enjoying himself very much. Truly he was a connoisseur of fine chaos. He liked that man more and more with each passing moment. When his companion began to scream in pain, he waited a moment, and when the human asked for help, he helped him.

Then, he simply got up as if nothing had happened and casually mentioned who he was working with. This guy..... This guy. The nerve of that guy! Such fervor! He loved it. So much chaos was to be had with him!

Taking Celestia’s reaction as his cue to appear, he talked to John for a sec. After hearing what Discord had to say, the human nodded briefly.

~~~~~

I snapped my fingers and an announcer's mic appeared before me.

“IN THIS CORNER, WEIGHING IN AT ONE THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED THIRTY SEVEN POUNDS OF FEATHERS, WE HAVE THE MASTER OF CHAOS, THE BRINGER OF FUN... DIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSCORD!” He appeared in a flash of light, waving to all the ponies. They booed him, and some of them had foam fingers that pointed down. How they have gone around to acquiring them was beyond me but probably it was chaos. I ain’t gotta explain shit.

“AND IN THIS CORNER, WEIGHING IN AT ONE THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED THIRTY SEVEN POUNDS OF CAKE-”

“HEY!” She shouted, bulversed at such accusations. Maybe she was right. I’d give her only one thousand two hundred five pounds. Of cake.

I continued unperturbed. “The... Uhmmmmm... Discord, I can’t think of any titles for Celestia. What should I say?” He whispered something in my head and I continued announcing. “THE SOLE DICTATOR OF EQUESTRIA-” She interrupted me again.

“I resent that! Equestria is a diarchy!”

“Whatever.” I said nonchalantly and grabbed the mic again. “AND THE BRINGER OF ALL THAT IS LAME!”

“HEY!” She interjected once again.

“I GIVE YOU.......CELESSSSTTTIIAAAA!”

“LET’S GET READY TO RUMMMMBLLLEEEE!” Right as I yelled the traditional fight line, Discord conjured a pair of boxing gloves and started jumping from foot to foot jabbing at the air between them. I walked into the middle of a ring that appeared out of nowhere.

“Okay guys, I want a nice clean fight, no below the belt, no cheating, no ear-biting, no leads in the gloves. And I mean it Discord, take them out.” He sighed.

“Aww fine.” He took his gloves off and after shaking them a few times a couple anvils fell out.

“Get into your corners.” Discord went back and Celestia was standing there, not knowing what to make of the situation. Luna was chuckling very heartily.

Suddenly a bunch of changelings burst into the room, scattering the ponies. “I dare say my good chaps, time to abandon this social gathering.” I said. “We seem to have party crashers, lads.”

“BY ORDER OF QUEEN CHRYSAL-”

“Lemme stop you right there. I have something to say first.”

“What’s that?”

“DISCOOOOOO PAAAARTY!” I shouted and a disco ball appeared out of nowhere and slamming into that Changeling and crushed him.

“Alright.” I said, turning to the ponies. “Who cut the tether cable?” Tapping my foot. There was silence for a moment. A small pony raised her hoof. I sighed.

“Alright, at least you admitted it. Just don’t do it again, okay?” I asked giving her a stern look. She nodded happily.

“Alrighty then, let’s get the fuck outta here.” I turned to Discord. “Initiate Teleport.Exe.”

“Loading Teleport.Exe... Loading.... Launching.... ”He said in an imitation of a terminal.

“Teleport.Exe is ready. Would you like to initiate primary protocol?”

“Yes.”

“Now boarding passenger group A. If you are in passenger group A please gather your belongings and report to launch bay Discord.” He said, with a flight attendants uniform.

A certain group of ponies wandered over to him and they disappeared in a flash of light. I turned to the princesses and Shining Armor, who had joined them in staring at the blatant display of chaos before them.

“What? Chaos is fun.”

“J-John! What happened to you?!” Asked Luna with a horrified expression.

“Nothing. Chaos is fun. I can’t really say more than that.” Discord chose that moment to reappear.

“Alright. Group 2, please come closer.” The next group of ponies scrambled over to him and he teleported away again.

“But.... But you are corrupted! Chaos is EVIL!” Luna said again.

“I’m not corrupted, I’m just having fun. Besides,” I raised an eyebrow. “How would I be corrupted?”

“Because chaos is wrong! It’s not right!” Celestia interjected herself, stamping her hoof.

“Have you seen the wasteland? Chaos is the ruling factor there, but somehow it manages to keep things in line.”

“B-but your world is not like ours. It has different rules!”

“How so?”

“I-I....” She had hit a wall, I could tell. I stumped her. “It.... it.....” She stamped her foot in frustration. “IT JUST DOES!”

“That doesn’t mean jack shit. Circular logic might work here, but not where I’m from.” Discord appeared one last time.

“Any last ponies, please report to Lost and Discord for pickup.” There were only a few more ponies left and they trotted up to him like their best friend. He turned to us.

“You guys coming?”

“Yea Discord just wrapping this up.” I said, waving my arm at him.

“Call me when you need a pickup.” He was gone and it was only me and the three ponies.

“Okay guys, before we continue, let me take care of these Changelings.” I turned to the two black insects were sitting there on a crate, playing cards.

One turned up to me. “You guys done yet? We want to get this over with.”

“Why haven’t you attacked us yet?”

“Because you are having a philosophical debate. One does not simply interrupt a debate of such caliber.”

“Well, you obviously know I am going to kill you unless you run.”

“Yup.”

“So run.”

“Yea, yea. Let us finish this game first though.”

“You got five minutes.” I said and turned to resume my conversation with the three ponies. They stared at me in shock.

“What?” I asked. “Is my glorious face too beautiful to stop looking at?”

“W-Why did you let them go?!” Said Shining Armor, after his bout of silence.

“Because they surrendered. I don’t kill enemies who surrender.”

“But they will tell Chrysalis where we are!” He nearly yelled at me, temper rising.

“I honestly don’t give a single fuck.”

“I’m going to stop them.” He said, and began to charge up his magic.

“Shining. Stop right now.” My tone becoming menacing.

“No.” He said in defiance. He asked for it. I slugged him across his face. When he fell to the ground in shock, she princesses started criticizing me.

“JOHN! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” Luna yelled. Why were people yelling at me anyways? No, I am not shitting you. This actually all happened. If you don’t believe me, why are you still listening. Anyways, back to the story.

“Let’s continue this debate somewhere else shall we?” I suggested. “Oh Discord! Be a lamb and teleport us to base.”

“NO, NO, NO!” Shouted Celestia in panic. But one flash of light later we were in an immensely larger cave than the one we started out in. It was then, after another wave of nausea was fended off, I stood up straight, and there was a spike of immense pain in my head and I fell to my knees.

“Argh.” I said, clutching my temple. Luna looked at me with genuine concern for the first time.

“John? Are you okay?”

“Yea. yea. I’m fi-” I tried to rise again and the pain got worse. I screamed this time. I felt like someone was shoving bamboo slivers into my brain. Yes it hurt that bad. You want me to demonstrate on you how much it hurt? Yea, I didn’t think so.

“GAH!” I screamed again, as the pain grew in a steady rate. Eventually, I must have blacked out, because next thing I knew, I was in a bed that was t sitting in a small room.

“Urghh.” I said, shaking my head. There was no one in the room.

“Hello?” I called out, still no response. I swung my legs over the edge of the bed to exit, and found my brain hurting again, although not as much.

“Hello?” I yelled once again, and I heard footsteps in area outside just outside of the door, and a large purple and blue figure burst in.

“JOHN!” Cried Luna. “Thank the goddess you are alright!” I was gripped in confusion as she hugged me.

“Is there something I missed?” I asked with an upraised eyebrow.

“J-John.” She began. “You were out for about a month.”

Chapter 19

The Jerk
Chapter 19

“A month?” I asked, in bewilderment.

“Yes.”

“That’s pretty cool. I beat my record by a week.”

“W-what!?”

“My previous record was two weeks. That’s one more week. I wonder how long I can stay awake for now.”

“You’ve been out for a month and you’re talking about RECORDS!?”

“Yes.” I answered simply.

“What is WRONG with you?!”

“Nothing. Nothing could really top being abducted by aliens, so ever since then I have been keeping records for just about anything.”

“Y-you were abducted by aliens?” Said the princess with a shocked expression.

“Yes. Not as benevolent as one would think. I had to fight my way free of being a prisoner and completely annihilate every living thing on the ship. It was pretty easy actually.”

“You killed them?”

“Well they were planning to dissect me, so yea. Whatever. I also got a kickass alien ship out of it. Blew up another one in the process. It even has a death ray!”

“That’s pretty kickass.” Said somebody behind Luna, and Discord emerged from an impossibly small hiding place. Behind the door frame. I mean, how the fuck did that work?

“Discord. You owe me a fucking explanation.” My tone dropping from cheerful to deathly low.

“What? Why are you looking at me?” He held his mismatched hands up in a warding off gesture.

“Because after you went into my head, and started fucking with my memories, I started doing some weird shit. I mean, for fucks sake, I punched myself in the face with a power fist. What the fuck would possess me to do that?!?!?” I mean it. I honestly didn’t want to punch myself. I mean, I wanted to at the time, but thinking back at it, I never would have done that before. Stop looking at me like that.

“About that....”

“What?”

“Well, when I went into your memories.... I might have left some residual chaos behind. What happened in the jail was your body trying to expel it.”

“So... What? Am I going to die of chaos poisoning?”

“No. Your body expelled it all while you slept. Unfortunately, there were side effects.”

“This is going to be fun.” I sighed. “Alright. Spit it out.”

“Your body has adapted to chaos magic. I won’t be able to help you with my magic anymore.”

“Oh.... That’s not too bad.”

“You’re not surprised. Actually, I don’t even know why I think you should be surprised anymore.” Interjected Luna.

“Not the weirdest thing that happened to me. Not by a long shot. I once deliberately irradiated myself so that a crazy perky bitch could perform research on me.”

“Why on Earth would you do that?!”

“I needed the money.” She shook her head and pinched her nose.

~~~~~

“So then I was like. Bitch please! I’m the fucking Lone Wanderer, you can’t stop me!” Everybody burst out laughing. “Anyways, that’s how I got kicked out of the vault for the second time in a year.”

“So, let me get this straight John. You went in there to help your former girlfriend, and you ended up blowing up the air filtration systems.” Celestia said, with a perfect deadpan face.

“Hey, I didn’t know that a pulse grenade would do that!” I protested. “Besides, most of them went to Megaton, so they all ended up fine.” She smacked me upside the head.

“You are so stupid John.”

“I try my best. So, are you finally going to tell me how you worked things out?” I asked, gesturing towards Celestia and Discord.

“Fine. We all fucked. The end.” Said Discord. Celestia punched him in the gut.

“Shut up Discord. John, what actually happened was-”

“We all fucked.” Said Luna. I chuckled.

“NO!” She shouted. “WE DID NOT FUCK! He just explained the situation. If Luna trusts you, and you trust Discord, and I trust Luna, that means I trust him.”

“If you say so Celestia.”

“I do say so.”

“Fine. Anything else happen while I was asleep?”

Luna spoke up this time. “Well not much. The Changeling queen has declared a state of emergency. All four of us are Equestria’s most wanted one, two, three, and four.”

“Who’s number one?”

“You.”

“Me?!” I was genuinely surprised.

“Yes. I see that we finally found something that surprised you. Bout damn time.” Said the asshole. You can guess which one he was right? Yea, Discord. He still was an asshole.

“I really shouldn’t be surprised. I mean, almost everybody evil in the wasteland wants me dead.”

“That many?”

“Yea. Although the number has been severely reduced since the Brotherhood gained more power.”

“You keep talking about this ‘Brotherhood’. Who are they?” Celestia spoke up.

“The Brotherhood of Steel.”

“Cool name.”

“It is. They were originally founded in the west of my country, and were dedicated to collecting, categorizing, and protecting every piece of technology anyone ever had. That meant taking it from people, even if they didn’t have stake over it.”

“They don’t sound too nice.” Said Luna with a wince.

“They weren’t. Eventually, they sent a contingent to the eastern seaboard, and when Elder Lions took over he declared that they wouldn’t seize tech from others, and they would protect everybody there from harm.”

“He sounds nice.” She said with a smile.

“Yea, but unfortunately, there were a few that were still dedicated to the old ways of the Brotherhood and they left to start their own faction. They call themselves the ‘Brotherhood Outcasts’ to mock him.”

“That’s horrible! They should be praising him for what he was doing.” Said Celestia, with a look of shock.

“Actually, I agree with their methods. Even though the Brotherhood is all well and good, the Outcasts stayed true to their original mission even with the threat of expulsion and death.”

“B-but they steal things from people!”

“No they don’t. You see, they kept to their original mission, but changed their standards. I actually work for them, giving them any tech I find, and getting paid in exchange.”

“Well if they aren’t stealing things I can’t exactly oppose them.”

“Exactly.”

“What kind of world are you from John? What kind of place would make you into this kind of person?

“Well I guess I can’t put it off any longer.” I sighed. “Doctor Whooves, get over here.” The crowd parted and the pony with an hourglass on his ass came forward. Seemed like forever since I was at that bar, trying to get him to help me.

“I guess I still owe you that explanation.”

“Yes. It’s about fucking time. You thought getting me locked up would save you?”

“Not at all.” I chuckled. “Alright. First things first, I would ultimately prefer that only you guys know.” I gestured to the large crowd of ponies. They groaned in annoyance.

“Shut up everybody. The less you know, the better. Trust me.”

“But mister! I want to know where you come from!” Said a voice, and a few seconds later came forward the little orange filly that had caused me all of this bullshit.

“Maybe later kid.” I smiled sadly. He was so innocent. “Alright, now everybody OUT!” The grumbling crowd begrudgingly exited the room.

“Alright.... So where do I start?”

“How about the very beginning?” Suggested Celestia with that same motherly tone. It warmed my heart. Hey fucker if you start laughing at me, I will break your nose.

“Alright then... The beginning... Well I guess that would be the war then.”

“Yes, that would work.” She said gently.

“Well about two hundred years ago, my ancestors fought a war. It lasted about two hours and it almost killed all life on Earth. No one really knows who started it, but the country I was from - The United States of America - was previously in a conventional war with a place called China. At one point they just started launching nukes at each other and in the end, it didn’t really matter. It killed almost everything on the surface.”

“What’s a nuke?” Asked the doctor in curiosity.

“A device about the size of a small room, that was capable of killing everything in a large radius. The average power of the larger ones was about 200-750 kilotons of TNT. The smallest one I have seen could destroy a place the size of an average residential street. The larger ones could easily devastate a city larger than Canterlot. I mean, the mountain it was on would probably collapse under the pressure from the shockwave. Hell, Ponyville would be hit with the shockwave.

“That’s horrible!”

“Yea, I know.”

“Well how did you survive? You said something about a vault.”

“Yea, was getting to that. Anyways, because humanity was unfortunate enough to foresee the threat of a nuclear war, and to survive it, they built underground bunkers called vaults.”

“Why do you say that humans were unfortunate to survive? Aren’t you happy your race lived?”

“No. Because even in the aftermath, humans still fought each other. Even with a threat worse than death at the hands of radiation, mutants, giant bugs, or any other number of things, we still fight each other.”

“Why?”

“Because of how people are. That’s the way people are. The human nature is to be on top, even with other humans. Everybody wants to be in control. It’s self preservation, but some people don’t think towards the overall progress of humanity. That’s what the Brotherhood was trying to do. They didn’t care about individuals. They wanted to better humanity with the remnants of civilization.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. That’s why sometimes I wished humanity died that day. Because we will never put aside our differences. We will never work together without that ONE person always vying for power.”

“John. You shouldn’t think like that.” Celestia said, trying to cheer me up.

“Why not?” I snapped harshly.

“Because look at all you did! You came here and you tried to help us! You fight for good!”

“Just because there is one good person in the world doesn’t mean that humanity is good. In the end days of the old world, before the war, there was a crisis. An energy one about our fuel source running out. Instead of working it out together, and finding another solution, we fought over who should have the last of it. Humanity will always have those people in power that make bad decisions.”

“But...”

“I don’t want to hear it. Let’s talk about something else.”

“Ooooh! Teacher, call on me!” Shouted Discord, who was inexplicably sitting in a school desk chair raising his hand.

“What do you want to ask Discord?”

“What kind of things do you do for fun in your world?”

“Fun?” I deadpanned. “Are you fucking kidding me?” His expression wilted a bit.

“Well yea... I mean, there must be something you do....” He trailed off.

“I fight. The highlight of my day is crushing a mutants head with my bare hands. I can’t really do anything more than keep going.”

“There! There it is! Something bright about humans!” Celestia cheered. “You keep going to protect others, from these... What did you call them? Super mutants? Like that one that came here with you.”

“What did you say?” I said, clenching my fists. My eye twitched imperceptibly.

“You keep going!” She said nervously.

“After that.”

“The super mutants?”

“One step more.”

“The one that came here with you.” I punched her, hard.

“YOU FUCKING BITCH!” I yelled. “FAWKES WAS MY FUCKING FRIEND!” I started walking towards her, and she scrambled back in fear.

“J-John, what are you doing?!”

“I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!” I screamed in rage and ran towards her. She had a nasty fist shaped bruise on her face. She got up and tried to run before I tackled her. I punched her in the gut and when she curled up in pain, I started to strangle her. I began smacking her head into the ground while my fingers closed around her neck, her eyes widening in in fear as oxygen starvation began to take hold.

I felt something getting a hold of my back and pulling me away. I turned my head briefly and saw Luna futilely trying to pull me back.

“JOHN STOP IT! DON’T DO THIS!” She yelled in fear, realizing there was nothing she could do.

“SHE INSULTED MY FRIEND!” I yelled, turning back to Celestia. Her fur was turning a deep red and I could see her fading out. “GIVE ME ONE REASON NOT TO!”

“Because you’re better than this!” Came the voice of Discord surprisingly. “I won’t try to stop you, but just think it through.”

I looked at the once regal princess on the ground unconscious, her once wavy mane now wilted and a very light grey, all shades blending together. It wouldn’t be long before she died. I let go of her throat and backed away. Luna rushed up to her sister, probably checking her pulse or something.

I breathed deep in and out a few times.

“I’m still angry at her. Don’t follow me.” I said, walking out of the room. I could feel the angry glare of Luna on the back of my head burning holes in my skull. But nobody followed me. I traversed the long range of caves that had been expertly cut into a large structure, probably honeycombing a mountain or underground. I had to admit, it was damn impressive. I kept walking, letting my Pip-Boys automatic mapping function keep track of where I was. Some time had passed before I finally looked up and found myself at a bar. Pretty fitting I would guess.

Wasting no time, I sat down and looked up to find the bartender my favorite pony. I smiled.

“Heavy Shot! How’s it going you sonofabitch!”

“Oh hey there. By the way, thanks for rescuing us and all. We really owe everything to you.” He said, gratitude in his eyes. I could see it.

“It’s no problem, really. Just what I do.”

“So how did the interrogation with the princesses and Discord go?” My newly enlightened expression dropped.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Whatever you say. You want anything to drink?”

“Hardest thing you’ve got.”

“One absinthe coming right up.” He turned around, poured it into a small shot glass and skillfully slid it down the bar to me. I grabbed it, and promptly downed it whole.

“One more... You know what? Just give me the fucking bottle.” He was about to grab it, when I leaned over the counter and snagged it.

“Take it easy man!” He said, raising a hoof at me as I began to chug it. I ignored him till nearly the whole bottle was gone, and I slammed it on the counter, accidently shattering it. I breathed in a giant sigh. Heavy Shot looked at me in disbelief.

“How are you still alive?!”

“A few months of practice and a strong liver.”

“You’ve only been drinking a few months?”

“Would you believe me if I said I was nineteen?”

“No, I really wouldn’t.”

“Well it’s true. I started killing about a year ago.”

“Only a year?”

“Yes, I lived the first 17 sheltered in an underground bunker.” I heard some inconspicuous hoofsteps behind me. I looked over and saw the doctor sitting on a barstool next to me.

“I said not to follow me.” I said, absentmindedly swirling the new shot glass I had acquired from Heavy Shot.

“Yes, but you won’t kill me.” He said, turning to Heavy Shot and ordering a whiskey. He obliged and did that sliding across the bar with the glass thing.

“You’re right, but I don’t appreciate it.”

“Was all that you said about your world true?”

“Yes, and I don’t feel like talking about it anymore. So drop it.”

“Sure thing.” We sat in silence for a moment while he ran his hoof over the rim of his shot glass. Finally, he snapped and blurted out.

“So who’s Fawkes?”

“My friend. He died trying to save you fuckers.” I downed the new shot. I ordered a few more.

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Don’t be. People die around me, it happens all the time.”

“See, that’s what I don’t get. How can you be so nonchalant about killing?”

I shrugged. “People die, happens all the time. Not like I can do anything about it.”

“But... You have to know that killing it wrong!”

“You think I don’t know that!” I snapped at him. “I would be happy to go and blow my brains out, but I know that my suffering is nothing compared to that of those who would die if I wasn’t there. You wanted the reason I keep going, there it is.”

“You want to die?” His expression changing to one of concern.

“All day, every day. Every time I kill somebody I feel a little bit of myself die.”

“Well.... You could stay here.”

“What?” I choked on my drink.

“Stay here. Once all of this is over, I’m sure that people would gladly accept you here. You could get away from the horror of your world.”

“Sorry doc, but I’m the only thing keeping things from falling into shit again. They need me, and once the situation here is over, I’m leaving. A place like this has no place for me.”

I downed the rest of my drink.

Chapter 21

That Jerk
Chapter 21

“WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER!?” Screamed Luna, lunging at me as I dropped Celestia on the ground. I dodged her poorly aimed attack and she did a faceplant on the ground.

“I didn’t do anything. In fact, I rescued her from the Changelings.” I was already stripping out of my stealth suit. Thing wasn’t very comfortable.

“Yea right.” She said, getting up. “Like we’re going to believe that.” She rubbed her nose with a hoof. “Right Discord?”

“Actually, I do believe him.”

“WHAT?!”

“Look at him! He’s covered in bits of Changeling and drenched in green blood. What do you call that?”

“I call it....” Luna stopped for a moment. “Well.... I guess you’re right.” Her head drooped a little. “Thank you for rescuing her.” She said under her breath. Her head popped up again. “But you attacked her. You nearly killed her, and without you attempting to strangle her, she wouldn’t be in this mess!”

“Wrong again. Three things wrong. One, you’re a fat bitch pony who can’t see the obvious. Two, they were attempting to use something to disable her magic. Three.... “

“What’s three?”

“I haven’t thought of one yet. Anyways, doesn’t matter. I’ve noticed you two haven’t had any magic. Do you wonder why that is?”

“Well no. I figured Chrysalis did something to us and it would eventually wear off.”

“Ah-HA! There’s number three. They were going to use some sort of purple liquid that they called a ‘neutralizing agent’. Have you noticed anything wrong with your food, drinks, or anything like that?” Luna pondered it for a moment, tapping her chin.

“Now that I think about it yes! The chefs were constantly saying that I should eat all of my food. They clearly specified it, and insisted rather dramatically about it. I figured they were just worried for my health.”

“Alrighty then, that’s our problem. We have Changelings everywhere. I just found the actual hospital staff trussed up in the closet before I came out here. They have probably abducted the kitchen staff as well as the Royal guards. No one is above suspicion, they could be any one of us.”

“So what do you suggest we do then?” Discord chipped in.

“We go about this covertly. These Changelings are experts at peircing our defenses. We’ll start with the few people we trust, and make sure they are real. Tell them about the problem.”

“What next then? Did you even think this through?”

“Nope, but we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.”

“Alright. Who do you think we should start with?”

“The only person who knows about my world. Doctor Whooves.”

~~~~~

“Alright, I’m closing the bar doc, you want anything else?”

“No, I’m alright. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Sure thing.” Heavy Shot said as he brought down a metal grate over the bar, and locked the small door. Whistling he walked off while Doctor Whooves went in the opposite direction with a slight stumble. He was walking down the hallway to his room, when a dark shape emerged from behind him. It trailed the stumbling medical practitioner, but in his drunken haze he didn’t notice anything.

The drunken doctor finally reached his room and opened the unlocked door. Barely managing to not trip over his own hooves when he entered the room. Not really putting any effort into closing his door, only pushing on it slightly, he walked in and dropped on his bed. He was so tired, and there was nothing to do. He let sleeps embrace slowly wash over him and right before he nodded off, he could’ve sworn that there was an ominous looking figure sitting in the corner of his room looking at him.

~~~~~

We walked along the hallway to Doctor Whooves’ room, encountering no other ponies due to the late hour. We passed the bar, but it had been closed and no one was attending it.

“Luna who made this place?”

“A group of unicorns a long time ago. It was created to serve as a stronghold during the pony-human wars.”

“How long ago was this?”

Discord spoke this time. “A long time before any of us were alive. A few thousand years maybe. The only reason the stories survived this long, was the efforts of a select few individuals that recorded the war and ensured its survival.”

“Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.” I said, nodding.

“Exactly. But even now, we know very little about the war overall, only it lasted for a few hundred years. The only details that survived the ages were some small facts. In fact, I barely know anything about it. You would have to ask Celestia for more information.

“Don’t count on it,” Luna chipped in. “She didn’t even know of the wars. In fact, I didn’t either until Lyra mentioned them. She was Ponyville’s historian, completely obsessed with the past; although one era particularly interested her.”

“The wars.”

“Exactly. “

“Wait, wait, wait.” Discord stopped, holding his hands up. “You’re telling me that you two didn’t even know about those wars? What do they teach nowadays?”

“Don’t patronize me Discord. We had simply forgotten about them. Remember, they were only regarded as myths for the longest time.”

“Yes, I suppose so. I am older than both of you as well, so I guess I shouldn’t blame you.”

“What else should I know about Equestrian history?” I asked, butting into their little back and forth.

“Nothing really. After the wars we had a larger understanding of Equestrian history, but you have to remember, there was a fairly large gap of time where almost no information survived the ages. For about two hundred years, no information was recorded, except for some small excerpts from various religious groups documenting the rebuilding of their civilization. One of those religious groups worshipped me. Eventually, they went so far as to bring me into being.”

“What’s that mean?”

“I literally didn’t exist. The group was comprised of mostly unicorns that performed a ritual that combined all the parts of the creatures I am made of right now. I was brought to life. At first, I didn’t have any special powers, I was just another living creature. No magic, and I really couldn’t do anything. I’m neither a herbivore or a carnivore, or omnivore. If I eat anything it provides no sustenance.”

“How did you survive?” I was really confused at this point.

“They kept me alive through the use of magic. Eventually after maybe a year, the combined magic of all the different ponies became part of me. It infused into me and I became magically acclimated. I had enough magic in me, that I gained the ability to manipulate magic, but at a cost. The magic I could use consisted mainly of chaos, since it was borne of many different ponies.”

“So, in summary you were created through magic. But because you were created and sustained through so many separate sources, he almost can't help but to spread chaos.”

“Yes.” He answered simply. Luna was looking at Discord with another look. Not one of mistrust, like she usually had upon seeing him, this was something new. I couldn’t exactly tell what it was, but it looked like pity.

“Discord?” She put in.

“Yes Luna?”

“How did you deal with it?”

“With what?”

“The imprisonment. I never put thought into it before, but more than one thousand years without even being able to move should have driven you insane. I know I did when I was on the moon, and I still had control of my faculties.”

“To tell the truth, I did go insane. I pushed myself to madness, eagerly awaiting its embrace because it would be something different than monotonous thinking. Eventually, after a few hundred years, I came back to sanity.”

“You can’t just ‘come back’ to sanity.” I stated.

“Well I did. I was alone for so long without being able to talk, move, or anything. I drove myself to madness by creating a fantasy where I was still in control, where I wasn’t locked up in stone, unable to even breathe. My mind eventually found its way back to reality, and I was forced to accept the situation.”

“The seven stages of denial.” I whispered, more to myself than him.

“What?”

“Before I left the Vault, I was designated the Vault Physiatrist. I didn’t like it, but we all turned out to whatever we had to be for the good of the vault.”

“What’s your point?”

“I’m getting to that. Anyways there are these things called the seven stages of denial. Everybody goes through them, and I think they affected you more severely.”

“What are they?”

“The first is shock and denial. Secondly, pain and guilt; then is anger and bargaining. Depression and loneliness come next. I think that this was the stage you went through when you drove yourself insane.”

“Maybe, what happens next?”

“The upward turn, working through it, and acceptance and hope. I believe you were stuck in the depression stage for a very long time and eventually, your mind coming back to reality was your mind pulling through it. It probably no longer saw the need for a false reality. I don’t think you reached the last stage until there was a chance you could be free though.”

“You are really good at something you didn’t like.”

“Not like I had much of a choice.” I declared angrily. “Anyways what happened after you got your magic?”

“I started causing chaos everywhere, but I used it for good. I eventually got dreams of grandeur and after a long while, I took over. I became a merciless dictator. My empire was growing larger and larger as the years progressed, and I eventually needed generals and people or ponies I could trust. So I ended up creating more immortal beings like me, only they were ponies. I created them so they could relate to them and run my empire more efficiently.”

“Let me guess, they rebelled?”

“Yes, and they succeeded. I was imprisoned in stone by Celestia and Luna as they used the Elements of Harmony on me.”

“Who were these generals of yours? They must be still alive if they were immortal.” Luna coughed into her hoof and she nudged her head upward for a moment. I finally got the hint.

“You gotta be fucking kidding me.”

“No, I’m afraid not John. It was me and Celestia that he created. He made Celestia first, and then me.”

“By ‘made you’ does that mean you are related?”

“Yes,” Answered Discord. “I had to give my own flesh to create another immortal.”

“That explains a lot actually.”

“Yes it does. We served Discord for the longest time, maybe a hundred years. Eventually, we saw the way the country was going and we rebelled. The war lasted fifty years, but we created the Elements of Harmony and defeated Discord.”

“This place has a lot of violent history.”

“Yes, our country was born in bloodshed. Most ponies forget that after the longest time.” Luna shook her head. “But it is imperative that the news that we were created by Discord or that we are related to him doesn't become common knowledge. The effects could be devastating.”

“Luna, you and I both know, keeping people in the dark is never good. It always comes back and bites you in the ass. People will find out one way or another eventually.” She let out a sigh.

“Yes I know, but there’s nothing else we could do. Do you expect us to just come out and tell the populous? It would be as disastrous as if they found out on their own!”

“I’m not saying that you should tell, but don’t make a habit of keeping deep, dark secrets.”

“I would never.” Throughout this whole conversation, I had been holding Celestia over my shoulder, and she had yet to wake up. I tossed her onto the ground. I smacked her cheek a little.

“Hey. Hey, sleeping beauty wake up.” No response. “Hmmmm. Discord, you got any way to wake her up, I think they put a sleep spell on her.”

“I can flood her system with chaos magic.”

“How would that help?”

“It would act like a defibrillator on a dead heart.”

“Jolting it awake?” He nodded. “Do it, we need her awake for this.” Nodding again, Discord put his hands on her chest and his hands started glowing for a brief second. The glow disappeared almost right away, but Celestia made no movement for another minute.

Then, without any warning whatsoever, she breathed in a very deep breath and shot upward, hitting Discord in the process. He fell over onto the ground clutching his stomach, wincing. Meanwhile, Celestia was doing her best to not flip out, and it looked like she wasn’t having much success. Luna ran over to her sister and ran a hoof through her billowy mane and eventually Celestia’s breathing returned to normal and began to examine her surroundings.

“Where am I?” She asked in confusion, and when she saw me, her eyes widened and without a seconds hesitation, her horn glowed for a split second and she slammed me into the wall. The force of the impact was so strong, my arm broke. Pretty damn hard with these metal bones.

“CELESTIA!” Shouted Luna, who pulled her down into a sitting position and Celestia’s magic hold on me diminished. I fell to the ground clutching my arm.

“S-s-stop him. He’s moving towards me!!” She shouted and began to scramble backwards, ignoring her newly re-gained magic.

“Yes, I am, and it’s because I wanted to apologize.” I grasped my arm and snapped the bone back in place. “You got anything for a sling?” By this time, Discord had recovered, and obliged my request. A sling made out of cotton candy appeared and I slipped my arm into it.

“Y-you want to apologize?” She was shakily getting back on her hooves with the aid of her sister.

“Yes, but I’m apologizing for me almost killing you, not for my actual actions.”

“What’s that mean?”

“You deserved it, but I admit I went a little over the top.”

“A LITTLE!?” She was angry now. “YOU NEARLY KILLED ME!! YOU CALL THAT A LITTLE BIT OVER THE TOP?!” She picked me up with her magic, holding me by the throat cutting of my airflow, but I didn’t panic. I knew that would only make things worse, so I let my body go limp to save oxygen.

“HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?! YOU NEARLY KILLED ME, NOW I’M GOING TO DO IT TO YOU!” Her grip on my throat tightened, and I felt a pang of panic. I could outlast her if it came to holding my breath, but I didn’t really take into account my neck being crushed. Luna and Discord made no moves to assist me or to stop Celestia. I reached into my pack and pulled out a small bag of bottlecaps. I threw the things at her, but it had no serious effect.

Reaching in again, hoping to find my salvation, I found my pistol. Pulling it out and aiming it at her, I used V.A.T.S. and used it to shoot a bullet 5 inches above her head, barely missing her horn. As the small bullet whizzed by her horn, she blanched a bit in shock and dropped me. I inhaled rapidly, taking in the precious air should she do it again.

“I still regret nothing. I apologized for my trying to strangle you, but you still deserved it. But can we drop it now?”

“Why should we do that?”

“Because Doctor Whooves is standing right behind you, and he doesn’t look an awful lot like himself.” Celestia slowly turned around and spied him glaring at us.

I smiled. “Hey there doc, how’s it going?”

Chapter 22

The Jerk
Chapter 22

“I heard your little explanation there.” Doctor Whooves said, keeping a glare well seen on his face.

“Yeah, what about it?” I asked innocently, cocking my head to the side.

“It would be a shame if that information were to get out.” He smirked a little. “Now, you are going to—”

“No.” I said firmly, interrupting his request. “This is what’s going to happen. First off, I’m going to kick your ass. Next, you’re going to tell me where the hell the doc’ is, then, I’m going to kick your ass some more.”

He laughed cockily, gently pounding his hoof on the ground.

“What’s so funny?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

“O-oh it’s nothing... You know, just the fact that you think you can kill me, I find it very amusing.” He smiled evilly.

“Oh-ho! But I can good sir. Normally, you’d be dead by now, but I still need to know where doc’ is. So, how bout you tell me so your death will be relatively painless.” I cracked my knuckles and shook my hands.

“What? Him?” He laughed again, that annoying throaty laugh that sounded nothing like the doctor, “He’s currently “Incapacitated” at the moment. Why don’t you just talk with me for a while?” I dropped my smile instantly.

“Tell me where he is. Last chance.” I shot a glare at him, threatening his life with my stare. The way he didn’t react at all disconcerted me. He had a trick up his sleeve.

Chuckling again, he said very slowly, in a taunting kind of way. “Make me.” His body flashed with green fire and a lone Changeling stood in my way.

My eyes narrowed. “You asked for it buddy.”

Instead of charging him right away, I drew my pistol and shot him once in the head. The results were nothing short of spectacular, and I mean it. The bullet entered right between his eyes, and that was pure luck I assure you, and opened a large cavity in the back of his head, spewing green blood, black carapace, and some weird blue matter I assumed was his brain. All in all, he was dead in less than a second, brain matter painting the floor.

“JOHN!” Shouted Luna as I calmly walked over to the splattered mess and began to search his body for anything of value.

“Yeah?” I asked, biting my tongue as I stuck an arm through a pile of goo on the floor.

“Why’d you kill him?!” She shouted at me, throwing her hooves in the air, “He’s the only one who knows where the doctor is!”

“Well yes, but he’s probably just cocooned in his room. This is a new imposter.” I got up and flicked my arms a couple times, getting rid of the green blood. “I can tell because he was being a dumbass. Small things, like trying to stand up to me, or the fact that I KNOW HE’S BACKED UP BY THE CHANGELINGS BEHIND THE BAR OVER THERE!” I shouted the last part with a cupped hand and nothing happened. No movement.

Luna shook her head. “John, stop being ridiculous, we need to find—” I held up a finger and shushed her.

“Shut up for a sec.” She glared at me, but fell silent. “Where are you?” I asked under my breath, scanning the room silently. Still nothing.

“John, please we have to—” Said Luna, trying to talk again.

“Shut up!” I hissed at her, looking around the room again. “Come out.” I said, eyes darting everywhere. Nothing happened.

“I said, come out.” There was a small clatter coming from down the hall and I spun around, facing a dark hallway. “Gotcha.” I whispered and started advancing down the black hallway with no light whatsoever. “Stay here.” I said to the three, briefly turning around.

~~~~~

It had been five minutes since John had went down the hallway, no armor, and almost no weapons, and still nothing had happened. No noise, no light, no nothing.

“Should we go after him?” Luna asked quietly, looking at Celestia and Discord, who were playing a small card game.

“Nah, he’ll be fine.” Discord waved a nonchalant hand, not taking his eyes off of his cards.

“Let him die. He tried to kill me.” Was Celestia’s response, and Discord gave her a skeptical look.

“You really want him to die?” He asked with an unamused expression.

“Well... Not really, but he tried to strangle me!” She protested, cards slipping slightly and Discord tried to peek at them.

“Ah! Discord!” She slapped him, and he recoiled.

“What?” Asked the Draconequus, shrugging his shoulders.

“You tried to peek at my cards!” She glared at him.

“I did no such thing!”

“Yes you di—”

“Both of you two knock it off.” Luna whispered furiously, “I think I hear something.” The other two dropped their cards immediately and they flashed out of existence as the pair rushed over to the dark hallway. There was the faint sound of clapping. They quickly scuffled closer, to hear a voice. It sounded like John’s but they couldn’t tell for sure, nor could they hear it.

The voice stopped and another started.

Silence.

Without warning, there was an abrupt and loud scream, hitting their ears with tremendous force, making them wince in discomfort and yank their heads back in shock. Then, it was over as abruptly as it began. Luna shook her head and rubbed her ear, first to respond.

“I’m going in, I don’t care what John said, he might be in trouble!” She looked at the two, and they nodded their consent. Luna took off like a shot, and bumped into something large and heavy, stopping her run at once. She looked up to see John standing there with his stealth armor on, face mask open.

“Hey Luna, what’s up?” He asked, looking down on the slightly smaller pony.

“O-oh! John, I thought you were in trouble!” She blushed.

“Nope. Oh yeah, I got the doc’.” He turned and outstretched an arm, showing a perfectly fine Doctor Whooves, save for the fact that he was covered in green transparent slime.

“Oh doctor! Are you okay?” Asked Luna as she rushed over to him, grabbing him in worry.

“Yes yes, princess.” He said, in a clearly annoyed tone. “Can you put me down?” He asked as she hugged him tighter. Luna blushed and dropped him, backing away.

“S-sorry. I was worried for your health.” She backed away nervously.

“Well princess I can assure you I am quite healthy, John here saved me from that nasty cocoon. It was horrible in there, couldn’t breathe,” He shuddered, “Ugh... Anyways, John took care of everything.”

“Well then.” Luna said with a smile. “It’s time to root out the rest of the Changelings.”

“Yeah, let’s do that.” John said, smiling. He looked over at Celestia and Discord, who were giving him skeptical looks.

“You two okay?” He asked.

“John, when did you put on your armor?” Asked Celestia, looking him up and down quizzically.

~~~~~

I awoke with a start, coughing and sputtering, to find myself in some sort of green cocoon. It was also filled to the brim with green goo, not unlike that of the Changelings blood. Still coughing as my lungs attempted to purge the liquid from my body, I inhaled again only to take in more of the green crap. Thinking quickly, I tried to throw a punch towards the soft fleshy material holding me in, only to find the liquid extraordinarily viscous... You seriously don’t know what that means? Dear god humanity is doomed.

Anyways, back to the story. So after I found out I couldn’t punch it down, I tried clawing at it. Surprisingly, it worked, and the thing ripped open, the greenish fluid pouring out faster than it should’ve been with how thick it was. I quickly shoved through the hole, coughing up the green fluid in my lungs. I spent the better part of three minutes coughing, and the fluid just seemed to pour, neverending, out of my mouth.

Finally, I was able to inhale a full breath, lungs free of all things horrid and it was the best breath of air I’d ever tasted. I looked up to find myself in a cave, barely lit by other glowing green pods, some of which were occupied, surprisingly, by other humans. I saw some familiar uniforms, like those of the Rivet City guards, some wearing uniforms of the Enclave. I looked about the cave-room in worry. There were only a few of the pods, and the room looked enclosed. No doors or obvious exits.

I got up and walked among the pods, inspecting their occupants. One of them even had a Little Lamplighter in it. These little bastards weren’t just kids though, they are some of the toughest bastards out there. Really? You’re asking me how tough kids can be... Wow man.... Kids can be some tough motherfuckers... Yes, believe it or not, I saw one of them kill a super mutant. Yeah, believe it man. Anyways, upon closer inspection of the kid inside I found it to be Mayor Maccready. I was about to reach up and tear open the then layer of skin on the cocoon when I noticed my Pip-Boy flashing again. I groaned, facepalmed, and then brought it up to observe what had happened to me this time.

Podded: You have spent a short amount of time in a Changeling conversion pod, and now some of your precious DNA has been replaced with that of a Changeling drone! Your skin is now tougher and denser, making it harder to pierce, granting you slight resistance against non-energy based weapons, and Changeling senses now perceive you as a fellow changeling, allowing you to sneak around them easier.
{+15 Speech/Barter when talking to Changelings.
+5 DT/DR against Melee and Guns.
-2 PER for Changelings around you when you are in sneak.}

“Oh well that’s fucking peachy!” I yelled to no one in particular, smacking my Pip-Boy. “How the fuck does my Pip-Boy even know what a Changeling is?!”

“Jesus.” “I muttered, before shaking my head and ripping a hole in the Changeling pod, the liquid spilling out all over the floor before the kid fell out and I caught him. Gently setting him on the ground, I got up and started walking around the room, looking for a way out. As far as I could tell though, the walls were solid rock. Probably something to do with magic, and I would have to wait for them to come to us.

I glanced at Macready again, and saw no change in his condition. I sighed deeply, and rubbed my face, taking deep breaths. I busied myself looking at the others in the pods, checking their occupants. I passed the ones with the Enclave inside, and freed the ones I knew. A few Brotherhood troops, none I knew personally, the Rivet City guard. Truth be told, most of them were just raiders or scavengers. Not knowing the difference, I left them be.

I sat there for a while, nothing happening. No sound, save for the ragged breathing of those around me. After about an hour, according to my Pip-Boy, I heard a deep coughing and I looked up to see Macready sitting up and coughing his lungs out. I got up and hurried over to the kid and sat next to him while he choked on the nasty green fluids.

“It’s okay man, just get that shit outta you.” I patted his back and he reacted instantly, grabbing my hand and twisting it behind my back and shoving me to the floor... Stop laughing, you haven't met the kid. As I was saying... He pushed me to the ground, holding my arm behind my back and was about to do... Something, before he gasped in shock.

“Mungo? What the fuck are you doing here?” He asked, getting off my back and letting me up.

“Nice to see you too.” I said, getting up and rubbing my arm, and glaring at him.

“Hey Mungo, I asked you a question. What the fuck are you doing here?” He demanded.

“I don’t have to listen to a little asshole whose face looks like my butt.” I remarked, dusting myself off and glaring at him.

He glared back.

Eventually, Macready broke first and he started chuckling.

“Heh, you’re not so bad for a Mungo.” He said, looking around the room. “You know where we are?” He asked.

“Nope, but we’ve been abducted by the Changelings. I don’t think there is a way out of this room.”

“Is that what those bug things are called?” He asked in disgust.

“Yeah, I take it you’ve had a run in with them?”

“Yeah, they caught me off guard and knocked me out.”

“How did you get here?” I asked him, glancing around the room again, ensuring that the others were still unconscious.

“I was out scavenging with a group of Lamplighters and I came across this robot building. We went in, split up and killed a bunch of bugs and raiders, and I found a lone room. I went inside and activated a small terminal.”

“Let me guess, you activated it, and a giant multi-colored swirling wall appeared out of nowhere. You touched it, and you woke up in a swamp?”

“Yeah, spot on Mungo. That’s what happened to you?”

“Yup... I don’t know what happened to the rest of these guys though.” I gestured to the rest of the ones in the room. “The Brotherhood and Enclave were probably searching for tech, but I have no idea why there’s a Rivet City guy here.”

“Isn’t that the city on a boat on the far side of the wasteland?”

“Yup... So, any ideas on what to do?”

“Well we could find a way out of here. Dumb Mungo.”

“Yeah, only one problem with that. There are no exits. What do you think I did for forty-five minutes while you slept on the filthy floor covered in green shit?”

“So what? We’re just going to wait?”

“That’s the plan.” He sighed in resignation.

“I fucking hate you Mungo.”

Chapter 23

The Jerk
Chapter 23

“How much longer you fucking mungo?”

“Hey, calm the fuck down. I don’t know how long this will take.”

“Well, I’m getting bored.”

“What the fuck do you want me to do about it?”

“I don’t know. Entertain me.”

“Screw off, I’m not your fucking babysitter.”

Macready and I were sitting on the wall of our small cavern, with only the light of the glowing pods to keep the room seeable. The kid let out a weary sigh as he looked around.

“Well, what are we going to do? Starve? That sounds preferable to sitting here doing nothing for one more second.”

“Be my guest. I plan to keep on living. That Chrysalis bitch is going to pay.” I cracked my knuckles.

“Who?” he asked, cocking his head.

“Oh, sorry, I forgot you haven’t had the pleasure of meeting her. She’s the queen of the bug-fucks, and I killed her.”

“If you killed her, how is she still alive?”

“Something to do with some bullshit bacteria keeping her alive. When I meet her again, I plan on ripping off each of her limbs and beating her with them until she bleeds to death. Then, I’ll shove a plasma grenade down her throat and detonate it.” Macready stared for a moment.

“Is it really necessary to be that gruesome?”

I shrugged in response. “I’m not letting that bitch live. She is massively egotistical and took over the ponies country. In my opinion, those kind of people have no right to exist.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“Yes, all that violence is necessary because I’m not giving her a chance in hell of living.”

Right as I said that, a maniacal chuckle resounded through the room. I groaned.

“I’m really sad that you broke out of our conversion pods. You two were actually the most promising of our subjects,” said the voice.

Macready looked toward me for clarification.

“It’s the egotistical bitch.”

“Ah.”

“But since you choose to keep resisting, there’s only one path for you.”

“Oh really?” I asked in feign surprise. “And what would that be?”

“Why death of course!”

“What a shocker.” I replied sarcastically. “Listen. Just let us out of here right now, and your death will be relatively painless.”

“Oh! I thought you planned to rip off my limbs and beat me with them!”

“Yeah, but I said I’ll make it painless. Besides, how do you plan on killing us in here anyways?”

“Well, I originally planned to flood the room with gas, but my Changelings begged me to have the honor of spilling your blood. What kind of monarch would I be if I didn’t listen to my subjects?”

“The smart kind,” I muttered under my breath, smiling, and she didn’t hear me.

“Let the floodgates OPEN!” she shouted and a wall disappeared. I shrugged it off, I had seen weirder. On the other side of the once-be-wall, was another mob of Changelings. And once again, they were the mixed kind. Undead and alive ones jumbled together.

“When are you fuckers going to learn? Mobs don’t help for jack SHIT!” I yelled at the ceiling, but got no response. They charged forwards, eager to spill our blood.

“Hope you’re ready kid,” I muttered to Macready.

“Why? What’s going to happen?”

“We’re going to charge through that mob over yonder.” The said mob was fairly close now. I could make out the individual Changelings.

“Charge through them?!” he asked, incredulous. “You’re fucking insane Mungo!”

“Thank goodness for that, because if I wasn’t this would probably never work!” I smiled insanely and grabbed Macready’s arm. “Don’t let go. If we get separated, I’m not coming back for you.”

“I’m tearing up. What about the others?” I looked back and saw they were still on the ground unconscious. I shrugged again.

“People die all the time.” I said nonchalantly. The mob was close now. Only a few more seconds. I yanked him forward a bit and got a running start.

“YEAHHHHHHHH!” I shouted as we pierced into the mob of Changelings and chaos erupted. Bolts of emerald green magic flew everywhere, and we were viciously attacked by any of the bugs that came close enough to us, but I kept running. Macready was mostly being dragged along by his arm.

After what seemed like an eternity, we popped out the other end of the mob, and were pursued by a few Changelings, but most of them were too preoccupied with the mob, probably thinking we were still in there. I kept running on, but let go of Macready and he yanked his arm back greedily and kept pace with me from there. I was a little bit busy, but I had noted most of our surroundings. We were still underground, with the hall we were in was one giant passage that branched out to the left and right at irregular intervals.

Shaking my head and ignoring this, I took a sharp right once I saw a suitable corridor come up and Macready slid of the dusty stone floor before picking up speed again catching up to me. Fast approaching behind us were a few of the bugs, but nothing I couldn’t handle so I slid to a stop and did an about face.

Bringing my arms up, I slammed my fist into the first bug to reach me, who happened to be one that was flying too fast to stop. His face crunched inwards and he fell to the ground dead. Quickly assessing the situation, I saw that there were a grand total of four of the bugs to deal with. Letting my Pip-Boy tap into my nerve system, and my nerves in turn relayed what I was to do, my arms and I moved faster than my eyes could comprehend and before I knew it, there was only one left. The three that I had killed were messily spread about the floor.

I smiled evilly and grabbed the last one by his throat as he tried to fly past me and brought him to my eye level and glared at him.

“How the fuck do we get out of here?” I asked him menacingly. He spat him my face and laughed.

“I’m not telling you anything. I would gladly die for the hive!”

“Wrong answer.” I squeezed his neck a little tighter and he started to claw at my hands, trying to bring them away from his throat as he slowly died. I kept increasing the pressure, and his black carapace started to crack. Each small crack came with a small popping sound before it finally shattered altogether and his neck crumbled away, exposing raw green flesh.

“Well... That’s new.” I said, looking at the raw green cords of muscle. The bug was dead by now, dead from asphyxiation... Or pain. I didn’t know. Anyways, I was standing there, holding the dead bug up by his neck, and slowly looking at his muscles when something odd dawned on me.

It was the kind of revelation a person gets only once in their lifetime. The kind that changes their life forever. I realized that that place was fucking weird. It was the weirdest place I have ever been too in my entire life, and I’ve been abducted by aliens, as you can plainly see. And then one more thing. I didn’t want to stay here another fucking second.

I turned around to see Macready giving me a knowing smile.

“So mungo, you got us a way out?”

“No, but I still have some unfinished business to take care of.” I pulled up my Pip-Boy and looked at what it had mapped so far. There were only two routes we could take now without going back to the Changeling mob. One of them was a small bit back, and let further down into wherever we were, and the other path, which was forward, presumably led up and out of this hellhole.

“Listen kid, if you want to get out of here, you’re going to keep going that was until you see a small path that slants upward slightly. It won’t be very noticeable, but it’ll be there. Once you get outside, I don’t know what you’ll do, but try to find the ponies. They are in a mountainous area that has a lot of snow. If you don’t see anything like that, wait for me.” I explained, but he looked at me stupidly.

“Really mungo? You think I’m just gonna leave you down here? Fuck that mungo, I’m sticking with you.”

I glared at him.

“Don’t be stupid kid. Go before I make you.”

He glared back. We stood there, me looking down at him, and him looking up at me. After a few tense moments, he averted his gaze and backed down.

“Fine.” he muttered under his breath. “Stupid fucking mungo.” I sighed and walked in the opposite direction of him and looked down the small tunnel which we had passed that led downwards. It was nearly pitch-black and was slanted downwards at a steep angle.

Taking a deep breath, I turned on my Pip-Boy’s light and plunged downward into the darkness.

~~~~~

John sat at the bar inside the pony mountain fortress and was talking to Doctor Whooves.

“So doctor,” John began, looking at him with a smile, “How are things going with you?”

“Oh just dandy. Ever since you rescued me, I can’t seem to get the smell of that Changeling goo out of my nose.”

“Well, that’s a shame,” John said, shaking his head gently.

“Wouldn’t you know it.”

There was the sound of clopping hooves behind John, so he turned around and saw the princesses and Discord standing behind him.

“What’s up guys?” he asked with a completely relaxed attitude.

“John, you need to come with us. There’s something important that we need to show you.” John’s eyes furrowed and he turned back to Doctor Whooves.

“I’ll be right back doc’.” The doctor nodded knowingly, and started to wipe down the bar with a cloth.

“Alright guys, let’s go.” John said to the three immortals and they set off, travelling further into the mountain.

Chapter 24

The Jerk
Chapter 24

The tunnel I was in was dark. Very dark. Not just some regular dark you can shrug off, like the night sky. No, this was the oppressive and claustrophobic dark. I didn’t like it. Not one bit. I had activated my Pip-Boy light, but it wasn’t doing much aside from preventing me from slamming my shins into any stray pieces of furniture the Changelings might have had.

So, I was walking through this darkness, this... Advanced darkness, and nothing was happening. Just like old times I tell you. When I would go hunting for Super Mutant heads in a dark and depressing vault without having to worry about shape-shifting bugs backstabbing me. Ah, the good old days. Anyways, I so was busy reminiscing in my own little world that I didn’t notice a small rock that was big enough to trip me, trip me.

Next thing I knew, I was on the ground with a bloody nose. Swearing profusely at the rock, I pushed myself to my knees and shot a glare at the offending object to find it wasn’t a rock at all, but instead a small blue cannon lying on its side. No, not a hand cannon, I mean the old ones. You know, put a giant metal ball inside and light a fuse then wait for it to hit something? Really?... Oh yeah, you weren’t raised in a vault like me.... Annnnyywayyys, it was small cannon. On the side, with pink wheels that had flowers on them.

I picked it up and it got me wondering. What would a girly little weapon of destruction be doing all the way down here? I had to be on to something and it turns out, I was. I kept walking along this dark tunnel to nowhere and found that it led somewhere. As I traversed on, I started to hear my footsteps echoing back to me from somewhere further on the blackness. I stopped walking and waited for something; anything to indicate what was waiting for me up ahead. I heard a faint labored breathing, but nothing else.

Undeterred, I resumed my earlier pace with my Pip-Boy lighting the way. What I came across is something that I never hope I will see again. Shackled and chained in front of me was a white pony, thin from extreme starvation, that had a curled blue mane and diamonds for its cutie mark. Honestly I couldn’t tell if it was a girl or a guy. It was that bad. The pony’s eyes shot open as it heard me approach, did a small double take, and then let out a bloodcurdling screech.

~~~~~

John walked along the hall with Celestia, Luna, and Discord trailing behind him. Sensing an awkward moment, John decided to break the ice.

“So,” he began. “What are you taking me to see?”

“Well, we’re taking you to the war room. We have to start discussing what we’re going to do.”

John’s eyebrows furrowed.

“I thought we had the whole situation planned out. You were all going to attack Chrysalis once we found her, and let that be that.”

“Well,” Celestia began. “That was the plan, but we feel the need to have one for backup, just in case.”

“So, we’re still gonna stick with the original plan then?”

“Yes John,” Luna said, putting some emphasis on his name but if he noticed it, he pretended not to care.

“Okay, soooo... What?”

“We will meet up with Shining Armor in the conference room tonight to discuss our new plan, make sure you’re there.”

“Alright.” John stopped and turned to face them. “See you all then,” he said.

Once he was gone, the three immortals began to talk amongst themselves.

“So, we know that’s not John, but we can’t confront him about it immediately.” Celestia started out. “We’re just going to ambush him tonight?”

“That’s the best we could think of Tia,” Discord said. “Unless you have a better plan, I suggest we stick to it.”

“Well, I still don’t think it will work that well. He’s a Changeling, they’re masters of deception.”

“It’s the only thing we could do. We don’t know where the real John is, so we’re sticking with this plan.”

“If you say so.”

~~~~~

I rushed forward and grabbed the pony’s mouth, effectively shutting it up. Its eyes stared wide at me in fear, like a cornered animal. Her eyes were pinpricks, but I suspect that was because of being in the dark for so long. I turned off my Pip-Boy light and the world went dark.

“I’m going to let go of your mouth. When I do, you won’t scream. Got it?”

I felt the pony nod in response.

“Alright.” I let go of its mouth and I heard a female sounding gasp for breath.

“W-what are you?” It asked in a female voice. So it was a girl... One less problem to worry about.

“That doesn’t matter. What does matter is why you’re chained up down here.” The pony stayed silent and I shook her a little.

“Hello? I’m talking to you!”

I felt the pony go limp in my arms. I turned on my Pip-Boy light. She had fainted. I sighed in annoyance and snapped the chains holding her and hefted her over my shoulder. I looked around the small indent in the wall. Okay, so they wouldn’t just chain a single pony all the way down here beneath this god-forsaken planet.

So, I looked around the small alcove. There was nothing else here, save for the broken shackles on the wall. I took a few hesitant steps before coming to a life-altering piece of knowledge. I was lost. I had absolutely no idea where I had come from. I looked around, hopeless for a moment before I remembered that my Pip-Boy was always recording my surroundings. I facepalmed and then brought up the map tab. Okay, so I hadn’t actually travelled very far. About a mile before I came across this pony. There was a small tunnel to my right, so I took it and it kept going for quite a while.

A few miles later, the pony I had slung over my shoulder began to stir. Slowly and surely the pony awoke and shift around on my shoulder before uttering a loud groan.

“Morning sleeping beauty. Sleep well?”

She groaned wearily.

“Uhhhgg... where am I?” She asked, her voice cracking.

“Currently you’re under some unknown mountain. Specifically, you’re on my shoulder. You think you can walk?”

“Eh,” she groaned again. “I think so.”

I stopped and set her down, and she weakly struggled to stay upright before collapsing. I knelt down next to her.

“So, looks like I’m going to be lugging you around this whole time.” She looked up at me weakly and winced. “Well, let’s get it over with.” I grabbed her and prepared to lift her over my shoulder, but before I did anything she socked me across the jaw and began to walk away.

I grunted in pain, and snapped my hand up in instinct to recoil but found the pony wasn’t there anymore. I looked around but she had left the illuminating glow of my Pip-Boy light. I blinked and looked at my compass and saw it classifying her as a hostile. I sighed, fixed it, and started walking after her. I turned off my light and started couch-walking forward to stay hidden.

I eventually heard her ragged breathing and realized I shouldn’t have really thought she would get far. I mean, she was more than half-starved to death. You have to be lacking in energy if you haven’t eaten in awhile. So, when I judged she was right next to me I stood up and turned on my light again. She was panting in exhaustion on the ground, and couldn’t even muster the energy to look at me.

So, I looked down at this pitiful pony with something akin to pity. Not something I feel very often.

“Are you gonna punch me and then try to run again?”

The withered pony turned her head, with great effort, to look at me, before closing her eyes and weakly shaking her head no.

“Alright good. Now maybe we can get something done. I’m not going to eat you or any bullshit like that, so keep calm.”

She blinked once, not finding the energy to move her head.

“You know, I never thought to ask. Are you hungry?” I asked with a smirk and her small frown got promoted to a glare. “Take that as a “yes”. So, what do you want to eat? I got...” I paused as I remembered that I didn’t have my bag, and thus, no food. “Uhhh, nevermind. Sorry.”

The pony didn’t say anything. “You’re not very talkative are you?” She blinked again. “What’s your name?” Still nothing. “Well fine, be like that, but I’m not gonna leave you here to starve. Just don’t punch me again.” I bent over and picked her up and slung her over my shoulder unceremoniously. The pony weighed more than she should have, being half-starved but it wasn’t a huge burden.

“So,” I began. “What’s your story?” Still no talking, and I was fine with that. We journeyed for a while in complete silence before my compass picked up something else down here in the dark with us. I turned off my light once again.

“Keep quiet. There’s somebody else up ahead.” I crouched down and pressed forwards. The sound of ragged breathing entered my ears again and I stood up.

“Who’s there?” A voice called out, sounding like a female, but to be honest I couldn’t really be sure.

“I’m not going to answer that.” I said out loud. The pony, whomever it was, scoffed.

“Yeah right. I heard you say that. Come out and face me!”

It was my turn to scoff. “You sure you want to see me?”

“Yeah!” The pony challenged bravely.

“Okay, you asked for it.”

I turned on my Pip-Boy light, illuminating me, the pony on my shoulder, and another pony chained to the wall with poorly made shackles. This one was a sky blue pegasus with, surprisingly, a rainbow colored mane. She also, I might add, had a shocked look on her face

“Why hello there Rainbow.” I said sarcastically. Her shocked look became even more shocked.

“H-how do you know my name?!”

I paused and put on a passive face. “Your name.... Is Rainbow?...” I started shaking my head before turning around, doubling over, and chuckling madly.

“H-hey!” The pony cried in indignation. “D-don’t make fun of my name!” Her voice cracked a little bit and this made me laugh even harder, dropping the other pony on the ground on accident, allowing Rainbow to see her clearly.

“Rarity!” She cried out, and the pony on the ground struggled up and looked up to look at Rainbow. Okay, two ponies discovered down here that knew each other. Things were coming together. Sort of.... Okay, I had no idea what was going on. There was some connection, I was just too lazy to figure it out.

I “So, uh, I take it you two know each other.”

The one called Rarity looked up at me and spoke, her voice a lot more hoarse than last time.

“Y-yes. We’re friends.”

“You know this thing Rarity?!” Rainbow looked shocked again.

“He found me where I was chained up and let me go.” She replied, giving her a look that said something like: “Have you taken leave of your fucking senses?”

“Uhmm... So, why are you all chained up down here?”

Rainbow looked at me reluctantly, as if trying to discern whether or not I was trustworthy.

“We... We’re down here because we were the bearers of the Elements of Harmony.”

“You?” I gave her a skeptical look, before pausing. “Well I can see that... I guess... Wait, were?”

“Yeah, when Chrysalis chained us up down here she took them away from us.”

“Well, how about I help you get them back?”

Rainbow and Rarity gave me skeptical looks.

“You can do that?” They asked at the same time.

I gave a cocky smile and crossed my arms smugly. “I can do anything.”

Author's Note

Wow, new Authors Note section. How orgasmic... Anyways, this story is coming to a close, it will be done soon.

Chapter 25

The Jerk
Chapter 25

Rainbow scoffed.

“Yeah right, you can’t do anything.”

“Okay, prove me wrong.”

There was a silence in the air.

“Okay, I can’t prove you wrong, but how are you going to get me out of here? Think about that, tough guy.”

I smiled.

“Don’t panic.” I said, walking over to the pony. I picked up the chains binding her to the wall and tugged by arms and snapped them easily. She looked at me in shock.

“How did you do that?!” She asked, an incredulous expression on her face.

“I told you I could do anything. What? Didn’t believe me?”

“NO!” she shouted. “I thought you were joking around!”

“Well I wasn’t. Deal with it. Now, if you two are down here that means that the other Bearers have to be down here too. I’ve been recording the mapping of these tunnels, and up ahead there are two branching paths.”

Rainbow had gotten up by now. She looked to be in a lot better condition than Rarity was, and could stand on her own.

“So, your point?”

“We can only go down one of them genius. So, which way do you want to go?”

“Well, I don’t know!” Rainbow said, exasperated.

“I’m tired of choosing. Every day in my life, it’s choices, choices, choices. Goddamn it’s annoying. So, I’m giving the choice to you; now choose.”

“Well... I choose left.”

“There is no left.”

“What? You said I had to choose a direction to go in!”

“Yes,” I replied. “But there isn’t a “Left” there’s right, and forwards.”

“That would’ve been helpful to know earlier,” she grumbled.

“Yeah, it probably would have, but it’s less fun that way.”

Rainbow continued grumbling, but begrudgingly pointed forwards.

“Okay then! Forwards it is.” I bent down and picked Rarity up and threw her over my shoulder once again, but I didn’t walk more than one step before Rainbow voiced her complaint.

“Hey! Are you planning on carrying Rarity like that this whole time?”

“Well, yeah.” I shrugged, or at least as much as I could with a pony over my shoulder. “It’s the most efficient way to carry somebody who’s weak... Or at least I think so... It’s been awhile since I’ve done anything like this.”

“Well, for your information, that is not the most efficient way to carry somepony. It’s probably pretty uncomfortable. The best way if over both shoulders for an Earth pony.”

“And how would you know that? I’m not a pony, as you can plainly see.”

“I dunno, you just seem like an Earth pony to me.”

“Well what made you such an expert on Earth ponies then, Ms. Winged?”

“Hey! My name is Rainbow Dash!” she exclaimed angrily, glaring at me.

“Whatever, Ms. Wings.” But I relented slightly and repositioned Rarity over both my shoulders. Even if I didn’t want to admit to a pony giving me good advice, this was much more comfortable for me, and probably for Rarity as well. So, with Rainbow Dash off my back, I began walking forward, and I heard her quiet hoofsteps behind me. The tunnel was dark just as the rest, and I turned on my Pip-Boy light and we walked in silence. I casually glanced over my shoulder and saw Rainbow looking nervously at the shadows reflecting off of the smooth cavern walls. Seems like she was afraid of the dark.

While I filed that little piece of information away for later, my shoulders began to tire and I set Rarity down on the ground to take a break.

“Hey, what gives?” Rainbow complained. “Why are we stopping?”

“I’m tired. I haven’t eaten in three days and I’m not made of stamina.”

“Really? You wuss!” She smiled bravely. “I haven’t eaten in a few weeks and I’m still going strong!”

“Well, you’re not the one carrying a fully grown pony, so shut your fucking mouth.” Rainbow obliged, but was still smirking at me. I took a few deep breaths and sat down against the wall. Rainbow stood there, alternating between staring at me, and Rarity, who was snoozing lightly on the ground. I patted the ground beside me. “Come Ms. Wings, join me.”

“My name isn’t “Ms. Wings”, it’s Rainbow Dash.”

“Well, I guess you’re just gonna have to get used to it.” I said cockily, and she shot me another glare. “What?”

“I said, my name is Rainbow Dash,” she implied, taking a threatening step forward.

“Oh really?” I smiled. “Well, according to my sources, which are quite reliable, Ms. Wings, your name is Ms. Wings.” Her glare intensified.

“My name, is RAINBOW DASH!” She screamed, and lunged at me. I was surprised by the action and she had the element of surprise, so she managed to land a few blows across my face before I leapt up and grabbed her neck and slammed her into the ground.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!” I screamed at her, tightening my hand around her windpipe. Her face was progressively changing color as she started swatting at my arm. I let her go, and she gasped for air as I stepped back.

“What the FUCK was THAT?!” I yelled at her. She looked up at me briefly before turning away. I looked at her, completely confused, but my anger was fading away at the ashamed look she had. Whoever the fuck invented sad ponies was in for a world of hurt. I bent over and tried to pick up Rarity, who was awoken by my shouting, but before I could, she swatted my hands away.

“What?” I gave her a confused look, and she glared at me, pointing to Rainbow Dash. “Her?” She nodded. “No,” I said sternly. “I’m not apologizing to that... her. I’m not apologizing to her. She, attacked me.” Rarity crossed her arms and spoke again, her voice hoarse as ever.

“Go talk to her.” I looked back at Rainbow, who was sulking in the corner. I still couldn’t fathom why she had attacked me, after all I was only poking a bit of fun. I sighed and walked over to the cyan pony, who was refusing to look at me.

“I’m not going to apologize for defending myself, but I will apologize for making fun of you.” She turned her head away and still refused to make eye contact. “I’m sorry for making fun of you,” I said. “I hope you can forgive me. If you don’t that’s your choice... I’ll wait for you. Whether or not you forgive me, I’m not going to leave you down here.” I turned around and walked over to Rarity and sat down and put my chin on my knees.

I felt something touch my leg, and Rarity was gently patting me.

“You did good. Rainbow has been through more than you can imagine.”

I shook my head and offered a sad smile.

“She would be thankful if she’s seen some of the things I have.” She didn’t pursue the subject. Eventually, I felt myself nodding off and I fell into a light sleep. It has been so long since I’ve had a peaceful sleep, and this was no different. Unconsciousness doesn’t count. I was dreaming something I thought I got past a long time ago. I was in the vault, the one I was born in, and I remember waking up with Amata yelling in my face to get up.... I killed those asshole vault police that day, but... It wasn’t how I imagined it would be. It wasn’t satisfying to kill those fuckers, just... Sad. I was so sad, when I saw them fall over.

Seeing them fall over, knowing that their collective experiences that made them, them, were gone forever. I stared at the first one I killed. I can’t remember his name, but he was standing outside my door and I had to kill him to get by. I stared at his body for god knows how long, and I simply walked away. I stopped caring after the first life I took. I don’t know how I found the drive to keep going, but it was there; I just didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care if that specific asshole I killed in the Wasteland was begging for his miserable life, yelling at me to spare him.

Maybe that’s the secret. That’s why I don’t care, because I don’t care what happens. In the long run, it doesn’t matter anyways. I awoke when I felt something poking my leg. I groggily looked around and panicked for a brief moment before I remembered where I was. I looked to my right and saw Rainbow looking at me.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“I’m sorry too.” I got up, and stretched. “C’mon let’s get going.” I looked at the dark tunnel ahead of us. “We have a lot of ground to cover.” I looked at Rarity again, who was giving me a small smile. I bent down and picked her up, slinging her over my shoulders. I started walking, and I heard Rainbow’s silent footsteps follow me, treading warily. The tunnel we were in, which was once fairly large, even for a human, was slowly closing in the farther we went, and I eventually found myself stooping down to stay standing.

“Okay,” I said. “This isn’t going to work.” I was having a hard time walking like this, bent over and trying to support Rarity. I dropped to one knee and gently slipped her onto the ground.

“Well,” Rainbow said.”What are we going to do? Rarity can’t walk on her own, I can’t carry her, and this tunnel is too small for you to keep going.”

I thought about it for a few moments, rubbing my chin.

“Okay, I got an idea. You stay here with Rarity. I’ll crawl to the end, see if it leads anywhere. Okay?” Her face paled visibly and she started shaking her head furiously.

“What?” I asked, exasperated. “I don’t see the problem.”

“D-don’t leave me here.” I blinked. Okay, she was more afraid of the dark than I realized.

“Okay, I’m not gonna leave you here. You have Rarity, and I’ll be back soon. I promise I won’t leave you here.”

“P-promise?” She asked, her face portraying a deep fear.

“I promise. Just sit tight, I won’t be more than five minutes.” My thoughts flashed back to the dark tunnel back at base, when I told the three gods I’d be back soon, but I shooed them away. I dropped onto my stomach and started crawling forward as the ceiling began to close down on top of me and the ponies left my field of light.

~~~~~

“He’s been gone for a few minutes... Do you think he’s okay?”

“Rainbow, darling, I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

“But what if—”

“He said he wouldn’t leave us here. He promised.”

“But—”

“Shush!” Rarity said, and Rainbow complied. “He won’t leave us. He wouldn’t have freed us just to leave us here.”

Rainbow was leaning on Rarity, whom was stroking Rainbow’s mane in a comforting manner.

‘Poor thing,’ she thought. ‘She must be terrified.’

Rarity had long known of Rainbow’s fear of the dark, as well as the rest of her friends, but it had never been this bad. Being chained up alone must have done a number on her. Rarity continued to stroke her comforting hoof through Rainbow’s mane, keeping her comfortable for a few minutes before they heard a scream of fear from far down the tunnel.

~~~~~

I was crawling through the increasingly narrow tunnel, before it abruptly and opened into a small room, with a roof just high enough for me to stand. My light encompassed the whole room, and it was completely empty. I mean, what was the point of a large empty room after a completely pointless tunnel. I was about to turn around and leave when something dripped on my head. Looking up, something was looking at me with giant purple eyes and was drooling on me. It dropped down, I got a flash of green and I screamed.

Author's Note

HEY! HEY GAIZ, GUESS WHAT?! I UPDATED AGAIN?! HOLY SHIT, I DID!

Chapter 26

The Jerk
Chapter 26

Rainbow shot up as she heard the creature that rescued them scream, and Rarity whipped her head down the tunnel, despite not being able to see anything. There was no more noise after the girlish scream, and the two ponies stood there in the tense silence as they waited for something, anything, to happen. They heard a slow plodding noise, presumably the creature, and saw a light approaching in the deep darkness. When the creature finally came into sight, the two ponies were awarded with the one of the most comical things they had seen in a long while.

~~~~~

The thing that dropped out of the darkness latched onto my head and knocked me off balance, and I fell flat on my ass. Seems like everything in ponyland wanted to knock me on my ass. I grabbed the thing, which was currently wrapped around the side of my head and tried to pry it off, but it had a pretty firm grip. I started yanking at the thing, which had a scaly body, and was quite small, but it refused to come off. So, after my last attempt, I realized that the thing wasn’t trying to crush my head, so I stopped pulling for a second to look at it.

So, it was a light green reptile, but that was all I could get, because, you know, it was kinda stuck to the side of my head. I started to feel it up, and like I said before, it wasn’t trying to kill me, or eat my head, so I was assumed that it was some sort of cave-creature and it would eventually come off. With that thought in mind, I dropped onto my stomach again and crawled through the tunnel till I could stand up again.

The ponies were up ahead. I was hoping they could tell me what was attached to my head, it was getting annoying having extra weight pulling it down to one side. Slowly, with my light shining ahead of me, I walked into view of the ponies. They looked shocked for a brief moment, before Rarity’s frown slowly creased into a small smile and she started giggling silently. Rainbow tried to hold back a chuckle, before bursting into an all out laughing fit.

“What?” I asked. They were too busy laughing to respond properly. Rarity was trying to compose herself, from what I could tell, but every time she looked up she would turn away, trying not to laugh. I shook my head a little and the reptile attached to my head gripped a bit tighter.

“Okay guys, very funny.” I crossed my arms, and waited for them to stop laughing. It took about a minute for them to do so, and even then, they were still chuckling when they looked at me. “Now, first order of business. What the fuck is on my head?”

“It’s Gummy,” Rainbow replied, she stopped laughing, but was still smiling happily.

“Okay, who’s Gummy?” The thing on my head wiggled at the mention of the name.

“Pinkie’s pet Alligator,” Rarity said. I stiffened.

“You mean to tell me,” I responded cautiously. “That there is an Alligator on my head.”

“Yup!” Rainbow nodded enthusiastically.

I opened and closed my mouth several times, trying to find the words to describe the situation.

“And why, pray tell, does Pinkie have a pet alligator?”

“Oh stop being a baby, she removed its teeth. It can’t hurt you,” Rainbow scoffed. I reached up and gently grasped the thin -- Gummy -- and it wiggled.

“Is Gummy a he, or a she?” Gummy wiggled again.

“It’s a he.”

“Oh.” We both paused. Rarity wasn’t talking much, but there was nothing different there.

“You have any idea on how to get him off?” I asked.

“Oh, so the big, bag, monkey-thing can’t get a simple alligator off of his head?” Rainbow teased.

“Well, he does have quite a grip.” I grasped him again, and gave an experimental tug. The annoying reptile didn’t budge. “Besides, I’m not a monkey. I’m a Human, but I guess there really isn’t a difference.”

“Well, what’s your name, Mr. Monkey?” She smirked, trying to annoy me like I had annoyed her, with an infuriating name.

“I’m John Johnson. You can call me John.” I stuck out my hand absentmindedly to shake. It was a habit. Rainbow gave my hand an odd look.

“What are you doing?” I shook my head and pulled my hand back.

“Sorry, bad habit.”

“No, not that. Why was your hand open?”

“Sorry?”

“I don’t know what monkeys do for greetings, but ponies hoof-bump.”

“Oookkkaayyy, soooo.... what?”

“You’re really weird you know that?”

“Says the gay pony with a rainbow mane.” She seemed to take offense at that.

“Hey! That’s going too far! I’m not gay!”

“Uh-huh, sure.” I replied skeptically. I felt something slap the side of my face, but Rainbow was still on the ground. I looked around, but the slap came again. I facepalmed. I had forgotten about Gummy.

“You guys have any idea why - ow - Gummy’s slapping me?” I asked as the reptile kept hitting the side of my face.

“He looks impatient or something.” Rarity spoke up. Rainbow was too busy glaring at me to say anything.

“Impatient at - ow - what?”

“Well I don’t know.” She replied in an exasperated tone. “I never took care of him. He probably just misses Pinkie.” As soon as Rarity said the name, Gummy started freaking out, wiggling like he was having a seizure.

“Okay, I’ll take - ow - that as a ‘yes’. Well, anyways, the tunnel - ow - here was a dead end. We should just - ow - go back and take the other one.” Gummy hit me once again and I grabbed his tail and gave it a yank. Unfortunately for me, Gummy didn’t want to let go and I pulled myself off balance and onto the ground.

“GOD I HATE REPTILES!” I yelled and smacked the offending creature, who gladly returned the favor. Rarity jumped up and slapped my hand.

“Don’t hit him!” I shot her a nasty look.

“Why the hell not?! He’s hitching a ride on my head, and hitting me! Where I come from, hitting someone gets you shot in the fucking face.”

Rarity gave me a odd look that I couldn’t quite place and backed away a step. I sighed and rose to my feet. Rarity took another step back and Rainbow moved in front of her defensively. I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose.

“Alright guys, I’m sorry I yelled. I’m not going to hurt you, so just calm down.” My fatigue was finally catching up with me, I was completely exhausted. Everything around me started to split into small and blurry doubles and I stumbled back a few steps before falling on my ass. From there on everything got a little fuzzy, and I couldn’t really remember what happened for a few seconds. Everything just kinda fell out of focus.

Before I knew it everything became clear again and Rarity and Rainbow were both beside me with mixed looks of concern and hesitation.

“W-what happened?” I asked, confused.

“You looked like you were gonna pass out there,” Rarity said. “You okay?”

“Y-yeah, I’m fine... What happened?” I asked again.

“You were saying you weren’t going to hurt us and you just... fell over,” Rainbow said. She paused before continuing. “What did you mean by when ponies hit others they got shot?”

“Listen, my world isn’t a nice one.” I said wearily. “People have to kill each other to survive.. I don’t like it, but it’s the way it is.”

“B-but why would people be killing each other?” Rarity asked in shock.

“I don’t know. People are just stupid. You remember when I said there really wasn’t a difference between monkeys and people? Well, people can do some really, really stupid things. I’m not gonna go into detail with this, so just drop it.”

“Okay then... “ The white pony paused. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. We should probably keep moving. Staying down here and starving to death doesn’t sound very preferable.”

The two ponies gave me another strange look I couldn’t place.

“What?”

“Why do you keep talking so lightly of dying?” Rainbow asked.

“Well, I think my intimacy issues stemmed from my mother...”

“What?” Rainbow was thoroughly confused.

“Okay, let’s put a pin in that conversation for now. Let’s get going.” I got up, scooped Rarity onto my back, with Gummy still hanging onto my head, leaving a confused Rainbow to follow us.

~~~~~

“Okay guys. Rainbow chose the wrong tunnel last time, so Rarity gets to choose this time.”

“But there are only two of them, and we’ve already gone down the first—” Rainbow said before I interrupted her.

“Quiet Ms. Wings.” Rainbow took a deep breath and started grating her teeth when I said that, but didn’t say anything. “Rarity, would you kindly point out the correct tunnel to Ms. Wings?” Rarity looked at Rainbow and giggled upon seeing her infuriated look before pointing out the second tunnel.

“Thank you Rarity, for giving us the right answer.” I snickered as I looked at Rainbow, who was trying harder and harder not to attack me.

“Ms. Wings, would you kindly lead the way?” I asked her. She shot me the worst death glare she could muster, which was actually pretty funny. It was like a mole rat trying to scare you by snarling. You just want to laugh at it. You just want to fall over laughing. Unfortunately, I couldn’t do that at the moment, so I snickered slightly. Gummy hit the side of my face again, and I shot him the best annoyed look I could. Wasn’t easy, him being attached to my head

“Yeah yeah, you stupid lizard, I’m going.” I muttered before venturing down the second tunnel.

Silence reigned supreme. No one was talking, but I was fine with that... Sort of. Okay, not really. I didn’t like the silence, but I wasn’t going to start an awkward conversation to break it. I took a small break from paying attention to where I was going to look at my compass and the map of the caverns so far. Normally, nothing bad would’ve happened, but you know how it works. I just happened to walk straight into a wall, the split second before I looked up. I fell onto my ass and grabbed my nose as it started bleeding before hurling a few expletives at the wall.

Behind me, I heard Rainbow snickering and Rarity was on the ground because I dropped her when I fell. I turned around and looked at her.

“You okay Rarity?” I asked, still holding my hand over my nose to stop the bleeding. I honestly didn’t feel the pain anymore. I think the nerve endings for my nose died a long time ago.

“Dear, you’re bleeding!” She exclaimed, leaping onto her feet, and walking over to me. I pulled back and got up, out of her reach.

“I’m fine, it’s nothing.”

“But you’re bleeding!”
‘
“Yeah, I noticed that.”

“How can you just ignore that?”

“I come from a land where people kill eachother to survive. What were you expecting, the Spanish Inquisition?” Rarity gave me a strange look... Again.

“Spanish Inquisition?”

“Nevermind, not important. C’mon, let’s keep going.” I bent down and picked up Rarity, who was looking at me in concern, and signalled for Rainbow to follow us. The dark tunnel loomed ahead of us.

Author's Note

If you gaiz want to bask in my holy glory-ness for writing this chapter, you'll have to wait. Thank AhugeAcidtree for getting me off my ass to do it.

Chapter 27

The Jerk
Chapter 27

Now, I’m not gonna waste my time narrating what else happened in those god-forsaken pitch black tunnels of hell, but I can say it involved very little talking, me nearly strangling the reptile attached to my head, and getting punched by Rainbow several times for doing so. Not that it really hurt, but it hurt my feelings.

Anyways, the first of the other four ponies that we found underneath that mountain was the pink one. Her name was Pinkie. Don’t think it’s that hard to remember. You got that? It’s pronounced PINK-E. Okay, you sure? Good. Anyways, we approached Pinkie through the darkness, and as my Pip-Boy light enveloped her, I was presented with a very odd sight. She was completely fine. I’m being serious. She was not starved in any visible way, she was sleeping as soundly as a baby, and had a gentle smile.

“This is Pinkie?” I asked, scratching my head, confused.

“Yeah,” Rainbow said.

“Why isn’t she half-starved like the rest of you?”

“Just ignore it.”

“Are you sure?”

“One-hundred percent.”

“If you’re sure.”

“We are,” both Rainbow and Rarity said simultaneously. Pinkie’s head shot up inexplicably fast, and she smiled at us.

“Oh hey there girls!” she said perkily.

“Hey, hey,” I interrupted, “Were you the one with the fuckton of guns in your room?”

“Yeah, that was me!” she replied.

“Okay give me a second.” I kneeled down and set Rarity on the ground gently before approaching Pinkie. She smiled up at me, with absolutely no fear in her eyes.

“You. Fucking. Rock,” I said, grabbing her chains and snapping them.

“Gummy!” she said, out of the blue. I looked at her oddly.

“What’d you just say?”

“Oh Gummy I missed you so much!” Without warning, the ever-present weight of the annoying, bright green reptile upon my head, vanished and I fell over, as I was so accustomed to carrying him around. When I looked up, Pinkie was desperately hugging the annoying little piece of shit.

“Yeah, no credit to the guy who rescued him, or rescuing your friends or anything,” I said, dusting myself off as I rose to my full height.

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t really notice you there.” She giggled.

I narrowed my eyes at her, and leaned in, trying to intimidate her.

“The strange bipedal creature that was carrying around your pet and one of your closest friends, doesn’t come as any surprise? Any at all?”

“Nope!” She smiled at me.

“You’re alright Pinkie,” I said slowly, “Anyways, I’m assuming you want out of those chains?”

“Yup!”

“Well, let’s fix that problem.” I reached down and snapped the chains with ease. The pink pony sprang up from her lying down position and bounced over to her friends.

“Hi girls! How ya doin?”

“Hey Pinkie!” Rainbow said, hugging her friend. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”

“Aww, missed you too Dashie.” Pinkie was about to go over to Rarity, but I stopped her before she could.

“Okay guys, reunion will have to wait for later. If I’m correct, we have three other ponies left down here to rescue.”

“Aww,” Pinkie said, a little downtrodden, but she kept a small perk in her step. Once again, I shouldered Rarity and kept going.

Now, this is where things change dramatically. The tunnels were filled with talking. More specifically, Pinkie’s talking. Her incessant, droning talking. Oh, you say it can’t have been that bad? Have you met that pink word machine? No, I didn’t think so! She just kept talking, and talking. It was mostly about parties, and after the first questions, I just tuned her out. That did nothing to dissuade her, so she kept talking to her friends, doing her little catch up while we were walking.

So, next up, we have the pony Applejack. Now, I must say, she was the most stubborn of the six I found down there. As soon as I found her, and she looked at me, I knew she would be trouble.

“What the hay?!” Applejack said as she looked upon me carrying Rarity and her other friends following me. “Pinkie, Rainbow; that monsters got Rarity!”

“No, I’m carrying her because—”

“Quick girls! Get away from ‘im!”

“Hey,” I said, annoyed at her constant assumptions. “Will you shut up for a second and let me explain?” She fell silent, but her motive for doing so is still a mystery to me.

“Okay, much better. I’m actually carrying Rarity, because she’s too weak to walk on her own.” The look in Applejack’s eyes changed from one of fear and anger, to one of suspicion.

“Rarity, is that true?”

“It sure is!” Pinkie interjected, her annoying talking habit taking over.

“W-well what the hay is that thing carryin’ her?”

“Hey! I resent being called a thing.” She ignored me.

“He’s a human AJ!” Rainbow said happily. “He’s a little bit of a jerk, but he grows on ya.”

“Gee, thanks wings.”

“Well I don’t like ‘im!” Great, she was a xenophobe.

“It doesn’t matter if you don’t like me, cause I’m here to rescue you.”

“Hey! Get away from me!” She yelled as I approached her, scrambling backwards.

“Look, Orange, you got two options. One, you can rot down here for the rest of time, while me and the rest of your friends go and get ice cream,”

“You stay away from them!” She yelled.

“OR,” I said, ignoring her interruption. “You can let me break those chains holding you to the wall, we get the rest of your friends, and go beat the ever-living shit out of Chrysalis with these “elements”. Sound good?” She paused to consider the offer, but didn’t take her eyes off me.

“Alrighty then, fine. But one move outta line, and I’ll buck ya ta Hoofington!”

“Fine, you do that.” I said, kneeling down and snapping her chains, not bothering to put Rarity down. “You guys can do the catching up while we’re walking.”

“But John!” Pinkie said. I stopped caring what she was saying a long time ago, and I didn’t really care how she knew my name. “Why don’t you want to talk?”

“Because, I’m tired of this shit. I want to go home, and go to bed. The only way I can do that, is by rescuing you guys, and getting the fuck out of here.” I heard Applejack mutter something about “good riddance”, but I let it slide.

“Aww, but you have us!”

“Don’t care.”

That seemed to be a pretty good conversation killer, and they talked amongst themselves as we walked through the dark tunnel, which was getting a lot more cramped from the increased number of ponies.

So, next on the list, if I remember correctly, was Twilight. We found this purple pony sleeping on the ground, with a weird blue ring on the base of her horn.

“Hey guys, you never told me Twilight was married,” I remarked upon seeing the ring.

“You stay away from her!” Applejack shouted, running to her side. I sighed and facepalmed.

“Look Agent Orange, you’re gonna have to learn to trust me at some point.”

Applejack’s shouting had woken Twilight up, and she wearily glanced up, before seeing all of us standing together in front of her.

“A-Applejack?” she asked, her voice cracking. The orange pony gasped in surprise.

“Twilight! Thank goodness ya’ll are awake!” she exclaimed, hugging Twilight.

“W-what’s going on?!” she responded, looking around the room, the shock of seeing her friends wearing off.

“We’re here to rescue ya Twilight!”

“W-wait! How did you get free?” Applejack’s tone immediately darkened.

“Oh. He got us out,” she spat, gesturing her head in my general direction, not turning around.

“Who’s he?” she asked, looking at me in confusion.

“I’m John Johnson. Call me John.” I said with a half-hearted wave.

“W-what are you?”

“I’m a human, one of the worst creatures imaginable. Nice to meet you.”

Twilight looked at me, not with fear, like I had come to expect from ponies, but rather a look of curiosity.

“What are you staring at me for?” I snapped, and she yanked her gaze away quickly.

“S-sorry.” Applejack turned around and shot another glare at me.

“What the hay! What’d ya think give ya’ll the right ta talk to Twilight like that?!”

“Oh, I dunno, “ I said, shrugging, “Maybe having to live through the worst hell imaginable and still have my sanity intact? I know for a fact that almost anyone else from the Wasteland would have killing you the fun of it. They wouldn’t even care!” I threw my arms out at the last statement. Well, turns out telling her I come from a land of bloodthirsty psycho-fucks that would kill you without a second thought didn’t appease her.

So, she got up from her crouching position and stood up in front of Twilight.

“You leave her alone,” she stated, with no quaver in her rock solid tone.

“And doooooo, what, exactly?” Applejack shook her head.

“Ah don’t care. Just get out of here.”

“As much as I would love to let you guys stay down here and rot for the rest of eternity, that’s not an option. You guys are the only ones capable of using the Elements of Harmony. If I ever want to get back to where I was from, I have to save you guys.”

“Wait, what?” Applejack said, easing up her stance a little and scratching her head.

“I want to get the hell out of Ponyland, capiche?”

“Well yeah, but why are ya helping us?”

I sighed. “Because in order to get Celestia to send me back home, I need to defeat Chrysalis, the bug queen, and in order to do that, since she apparently won’t die, I have to save you.”

“You know Princess Celestia?” Twilight asked from behind Applejack, trying to stand up.

“Yes!” I sighed out. “I already said that! Okay, let me get this out in the open since no one seems to get it.”

“But John, you don’t have to—” Rainbow tried to reason, but I cut her off.

“No! No! I’m going to explain this since no one seems to get it! I am friends with Princess Celestia, who is going to send me home after I am done with all of this bullshit! I’m saving you fuckers so that I can accomplish that goal! You got that?”

All of the ponies looked at me sullenly, and Applejack averted her gaze.

“Okay, problem solved. Now, Orange, you gonna let me get your friend out?” I said, turning to the nervous pony, who simply moved out of the way, still not looking at me. I walked towards Twilight, who looked like she was having a hard time not panicking. I bent down and snapped her chains with a flick of my wrists and took the purple ring from her horn.

As soon as my task was complete, she jumped up away from me towards her friends, hugging all of them tightly, getting all teary eyed over seeing them again. I coughed into my fist.

“C’mon you fucks, I’m tired of carrying Marshmallow here.” I felt something smack the back of my head, and I looked over to see Rarity glaring at me. “What? You don’t like being called Marshmallow?”

“No,” she said. “And I am fairly certain that nopony else appreciate the nicknames you are giving them.”

“Is this true?” I asked, looking over the group of ponies.

“Yes!” they all said in unison and I jumped a little at how in-sync they were.

“Well, that sucks for you guys doesn’t it. Okay, let me make sure everyone has a proper nickname. Orange,” I pointed at Applejack, “Ms. Wings,” Rainbow Dash, “Pink,” Pinkie, obviously. “And, Marshmallow.” I rolled my shoulders and Rarity smacked me again.

“That just leaves, you, Twilight.” I tapped my chin thoughtfully as she started whispering to her friends. “Hey, Twilight, aren’t you Celestia’s personal student?”

“Yes I am!” she said, beaming happily at the fact.

“Okay, that narrows it down a bit.” I bit my lip, trying to think of something appropriate. “Ah, nevermind. I’ll figure out something later. So, who are we looking for last again?”

“Fluttershy,” Rainbow said.

“Alrighty then. Off we go!

Author's Note

Stuff. Derpity, derp... Derp.

Chapter 28

The Jerk
Chapter 28

“Ugh! How much longer?!”

“Quit whining.”

“But I’m so bored!”

“Go fuck a duck.”

All traces of conversation evaporated into thin air. But it didn’t last long, unfortunately.

“Why are you so mean to everypony?” Twilight asked. I didn’t respond, opting to ignore her and keep walking. “Hello?” she asked, with kindness in her voice.

“Ah-HA! I got it!” I shouted victoriously, a grin coming over my face.

“You got what?” the lavender pony asked, her curiosity piqued.

“Horny. That’s your new nickname.” Twilight’s ears flattened against her head.

“Please don’t.”

“It’s too late, it’s your official nickname.”

“Woah there,” Applejack interrupted, “how come y’all get to name us, but we don’t even know yer name?”

“It’s John. John Johnson. Pleasure to meet you.” I said, waving my hand over my back half-heartedly.

“John.” Rainbow said my name and snickered. “John Johnson. What kind of name is that?”

“It’s a helluva lot better than Ms. Wings.”

“Can you please stop calling me that?”

“Okay, hows Skittles sound?”

“I like Ms. Wings more.”

“Too late.”

“Can you two stop bickering?” Rarity asked wearily, for once actually pitching in to the conversation.

“Nope. Less fun that way,” I responded happily.

“It’s not my fault he can’t call me by my actual name!” Rainbow complained.

“Stop bitching Skittles.”

“Stop calling me that!” she threatened, flying up to my face.

“And I said to stop bitching!” I said, shoving my hand in her face and pushing her to the ground.

“You still never answered my question,” Twilight piped in again.

“Oh? And what was that?”

“Why are you always so mean to ponies?”

“Please stop using ponies like that,” I groaned.

“Like what?”

“Like a substitute for the word people. It’s goddamn annoying.”

“Why are you so mad?”

“Why are you pestering the fuck out of me?”

“Hey!” Rainbow said, once again flying to eye level with me, but keeping out of strangling range. “You can’t talk to Twilight like that!”

“You really want to know? Do you honestly want to know why I’m always so mean?” I asked, stopping in the middle of the barren, old tunnel.

“Yes!” Twilight said happily, like she was getting a piece of candy.

“Three main contributors. The only person I have ever come to see as a friend, is fucking dead because of you fucking ponies and your goddamn magic. I’m stuck here, being blackmailed by your stupid princesses to help stop the Changelings instead of just sending me home, and lastly, there are hundreds of people on my world at this very second getting raped, murdered, abused, attacked, and plundered because I’m not there to help them. So you can’t talk to me about not being able to talk to someone the way I fucking want to talk to them!”

All was quiet. No one said a word, and Rainbow slowly dropped to the floor and sulked behind the rest of the group as we continued on our way. Soon, our small little tunnel blossomed into a semi-large cavern with a single friendly contact at the end. I walked forward heedlessly and saw a small yellow pegasus with a pink mane curled up on the ground, shivering.

“Hey, fucks. Is this Fluttershy?” I asked, gesturing to the vibrating pink and yellow ball that lay on the ground before me.

“Yes.” Twilight solemnly replied. Taking that in mind, I dumped Rarity off my back without crouching down and I easily broke Fluttershy’s chains. I poked her with my foot a little.

“Hey, wake up you little shit,” I grumbled, trying to rouse her. She uncurled slowly and yawned a small bit, and stretched out, still shivering. It was a bit colder in here.

“Hey, don’t talk to Fluttershy like that! She doesn’t even deserve it.” Rainbow jumped up again, getting angry, but then losing some of it at the end of her small speech.

“I don’t give a damn. You fucking ponies are all the same. That includes curtain-face over here,” I said, gesturing to the pony who was now standing up, frozen from fear from looking at me. I called her curtain-face because of her hair, it covered half of her face.

“Don’t listen to him Fluttershy!” Rainbow said, flying past me and to her friend, who snapped out of her trance and scrambled back from me.

“R-rainbow?” she half-whispered. “W-what’s going on?”

“It’s okay Fluttershy,” Rainbow reassured her. “He’s here to rescue us. He’s just a bit of a jerk, so try to stay out of his way.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m a fucking asshole. As much as I appreciate this heart touching reunion, can we please get going?”

“O-oh, yes,” Fluttershy said, getting to her feet with Rainbow’s help as the hobbled back to their small group of friends and they started hugging and crying about how happy they were to see eachother. Even Rarity had managed to pick herself up to limp to their little reunion.

Of course, all of my friends were dead. So, that’s probably why I was being such a cynical ass. I’m going to hell. I think we both are, no matter how much good we’ve done. What? Don’t look at my like that, we are. You know how many people you’ve killed? Whatever, back to the story.

“So,” I said, clapping my hands together. “Time to get you fucks out of here, I’ll go fuck some shit up, then I can finally leave this hell-hole. Sound like a plan?” No one spoke out. “Good, time to leave. The walk back is going to be a bitch, but I’m sure all of you little horses can handle it.”

“Oh, that’s not going to be a problem Johnny boy!” Pinkie said happily, springing over to the wall of the cave before she started inspecting it with a detective’s eye.

“Don’t call me that,” I said, pinching my nose.

“How come you get to call us names,” Rarity said, glaring at me, “but we can’t call you names.”

“Because you’re not the one who can rip my intestines out of my ass,” I said casually, shooting her a death glare, while Fluttershy shrunk down away from me. Everyone else had the same general reaction, except for Pinkie. She just kept staring at the wall.

“Pink, stop staring at the goddamn wall, we have to leave.”

“No, Johnny,” she said, oblivious to my objections over the nickname, “I know a way out.”

“And that involves staring at the wall?”

“Yup!”

“Fine, you get to stay here and rot,” I said, turning around to face the rest of the ponies. “All in favor of leaving Pink here?” No one raised any hooves. “Wow, tough crowd.”

“We’re not leavin’ Pinkie here,” Applejack stated.

“C’mon guys, all she’s gonna do is sit there and stare at the fucking wall. I’m really hungry too, so unless you want me to eat one of you, we have to leave soon.” The ponies lost the remaining color in their faces.

“Y-you’re going t-to e-eat us?” Fluttershy asked, shaking furiously.

“No,” I sighed, facepalming. “I’m not going to fucking eat you. It was an expression.”

“Hey girls look at this!” Pinkie exclaimed from the side of the room.

“What is it Pi—” I cut myself off at I looked at what had happened to the wall Pinkie had been staring at. To be short and sweet, it was completely gone. Like it had just vanished. Stupid vanishing walls. At least there wasn’t a Changeling horde on the other side, that would have ruined my day.

And, to top everything all off, there was an elevator that was just sitting there, lights on, ready to respond, should anyone need it.

“What’s that?” asked Twilight.

“That, Horny, is a Vault-tec elevator. What it’s doing here, is absolutely beyond me.”

“Ooh, what’s an elevator?” Pinkie asked, bouncing up to the metal contraption, poking it with her hoof.

“It’s a thing that lets you go up or down. I can’t really describe it. It uses a bunch of cables to pull you up or let you down.”

“How would the Changelings get an elevator?” Rainbow asked, glaring with suspicion at the elevator.

“Well I dunno. It could be a trap, but I don’t really think so. How would they know to get a Vault-tec elevator?”

“They probably just copied it from your world!”

“Ehh, I don’t think so. I’m gonna go press a button. If it works, I get to get out of here all the faster.” So, taking it upon myself, I went over and pressed the up button. And low and behold, it worked! There was a small *ding* and the whole thing lit up and opened. I cautiously peered inside. It was empty, but it was still odd.

“So, everyone in, if you don’t come, you’re gonna starve down here.”

“I’m not getting in that metal death trap!” Rarity said, giving me one of the oddest looks ever. It was probably a mix of: Are you bat-shit insane, and, what the fuck is wrong with you.

“You don’t have a choice,” I said, picking her up and gently tossing her into the elevator. She didn’t like that, so she started to chew me out. I had learned how to tune out incessant pony babbling by now, so that came in handy. Slowly and reluctantly, everyone climbed into the elevator. Except for Pinkie. Pinkie hopped in joyfully and was ooh’ing and ahh’ing at all the flashing lights.

I took one look at the panel and pressed the only button there was to push. Up. The doors closed and the lift slowly started to ascend. All of the ponies simultaneously jumped and I snickered as they all glared at me.

Within a few minutes, the elevator stopped, dinged again, and the doors opened, flooding the interior with harsh sunlight. We all winced and turned away, our eyes so accustomed to the dark of the caverns. Once my eyes had adjusted, I looked out. We were on a ledge high up on the mountain, looking over a swampy marsh. I looked up, and surprisingly I saw Canterlot looming over my head. This whole time, we had been under the mountain of Canterlot. Figures they would make their base here. Thanks to my advanced eyesight, I was just able to pick out the small hut where I had first met the ponies. I was also able to make out Ponyville, or at least, where it used to be. From afar I could now see it’s entirety, including the tall black walls and watchtowers. Twilight and the rest of the ponies slowly trotted next to you, staring at their old hometown in horror.

“Is that Ponyville?” Twilight asked, a look of shock on her face.

“Yes, yes it is. And if that’s the reaction you’re getting from seeing the town, don’t look at Canterlot.”

“Why, what’s wrong with Canter... lot.” Twilight trailed off as she looked up, seeing the once majestic city being overtaken by the black spiked rock, the once blue waterfalls now tainted black and green.

“Canterlot?” she whispered, so quiet I could barely hear her. The other five ponies broke out of their stupor and followed her gaze. They all gasped simultaneously, as if they had planned it.

“Okay, get over it. Big fucking deal, your precious city looks like crap now. Can we get a move on, I really want to leave.”

Twilight broke her gaze away from the dying city and shot me an intense glare.

“How could you?” she whispered. “How could you just wave this off? What is wrong with you?!”

“I come from a world where this is what you live in on a daily basis. It becomes second nature after a while. Now, before you go on a tangent about how fucked up my life is, let me spare you the trouble in saying that I’ve heard it before. Now, I had everything planned out to this point. Now, we have to find out where the ponies are situated.”

“What’s that mean?” Rarity asked, who was somehow still standing.

“Well, most of the ponies have been rounded up by the Changelings, tortured and experimented on, then probably killed. There was a small group of “resistance” ponies, but I never figured out where their base was.”

“What about that thing on your arm?” she asked.

“What thing?” I said, pulling up my arm.

“That green thing.”

“What about my Pip-Boy?”

“Can’t it track where you’ve been?”

“...”

“Well?”

“That is about the smartest thing I’ve heard one of you ponies say,” I responded, bringing up the map tab and scrolling the pointer around the large land that was Equestria. After a minute of scrutinous searching, I found the base, which said: Mountain Base. I never figured out how the Pip-Boy marks any locations I go to with perfect accuracy and names them. That was the extent of the good news, though. The area in question was several miles away.

“Goddamn it.”

“What?” Rainbow asked. I sighed and facepalmed.

“We have a lot of walking to do.”

Author's Note

DON'T READ THE NEXT CHAPTER!

IF YOU DO, KNOW IT'S ALL AHUGEACIDTREE'S FAULT!

Chapter 29

The Jerk
Chapter 29

I hate ponies. I hate Changelings. Ah, fuck it. I hate everything. You, cats, radroaches, and walking. Dear fucking god, I loathe walking. It’s literally the bane of my existence. Nevermind Super Mutants, the Enclave or the Talon Company. Walking will be the death of me. Sometimes I fantasize while I’m walking that I would find one of those broken down wrecks that used to be cars and it would somehow still work and I would go roaring across the dry dirt, at around 60-70 miles per hour, just running over raiders. Ahhh, that would be the best.

But alas, it can never happen. So I’m stuck with walkling. On our long walk from Canterlot mountain to the pony’s base, I had to stomach the incessant babbling of six ponies. They just wouldn’t stop. Hey John, did you know this? C’mon Johnny boy, just one smile! Hey John, stop calling me Skittles; I have never come closer to killing myself than I did during that walk. At one point I ditched them in the swamp, just so I could get some peace and quiet. Boy, did I regret that one. As soon as I came back they started bitching about how I “Left them for dead”.

So, skipping over all of the talking and walking, we finally arrived at the base of the mountain that held the pony’s base. How we were supposed to get inside, was beyond me.

“What do you mean you don’t know how to get inside?!” Twilight half-yelled at me.

“I mean that I DON’T FUCKING KNOW! I’ve only ever been inside of the place. Skittles, do you think you could fly up there and look for any caves?”

“My name isn’t Skittles!”

“And I don’t give a fuck! Do you just feel like sitting here until kingdom come?!” I asked, giving a waving gesture with my arms.

“Fine,” she spat out, taking to the air as she started to ascend into the clouds. There was an awkward silence that ensued after her departure, but hey, awkward silence is better than no silence. Rainbow returned shortly and shook her head as she landed.

“I didn’t find anything.”

“Okay, so that leaves two more options,” I said, sighing.

“What’s that?”

“We dig under the mountain and hope that we find the base, or we walk around the bottom and hope we find something.”

“Why can’t things ever go smoothly?” Rarity asked with a groan. She was walking on her own now, and I had an nagging suspicion that she could have all along.

“Now,” I responded, ”you’re speaking my language.”

We started another trek, and the six ponies started to try to talk to me again. I ground my teeth silently, trying to ignore their nagging voices as I looked for some sort of opening to signal the entrance.

“Hey Johnny boy?” Pinkie asked. I tried to ignore her and focus on walking.

“Johnny?”

“What?” I asked, trying not to lash out.

“What are we looking for?”

“I don’t know. Anything that looks like it could get us into the mountain.”

“Sort of like that over there?”

“Like what?” I asked, turning around to look at her. She was pointing at a hole in the ground with a staircase leading downwards. “Why is there a staircase in the middle of the swamp?”

“I don’t know Johnny, but I bet that it’s some sort of super-duper secret entrance!” she said happily, bouncing over to it.

“If it’s a secret entrance, why is it in plain sight?”

“Duh, because no one would ever think to look there!”

“You ponies are stupider than I thought.”

“C’mon Johnny, just give a try! I’m sure the stairs lead somewhere!” I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose for what must have been the hundredth time in pony-land.

“Fine, FINE! We’ll take the stupid stairs. Least it beats walking around the mountain...”

The six ponies trotted, flew, and hopped over to the staircase while I lingered behind, muttering curses at them.

“Hey Johnny, I think this actually goes somewhere!” Pinkie said joyfully, which was only succeeding in making me angrier.

“No shit it goes somewhere...” I said, then added under my breath, “You little pink shit...”

“What was that?” Twilight asked.

“Nothing,” I responded, joining them at the staircase. It led down to a dark, ominous hole that had no foreseeable end, and could be filled with unimaginable horrors.

“Well, let’s see what’s down there,” I said resignedly, turning on my Pip-Boy light and taking the first few steps before I realized the ponies weren’t following me. I turned around and saw them locked at the entrance, not willing to go any farther. “You fuckers okay?”

Rainbow Dash was the first to snap out of her trance, and she jumped into the air, and gave me a scared look.

“No way! No way am I going down there!” she said in fear, flying away from the hole. The rest of the ponies snapped out of it upon her fearful flight, and looked around oddly.

“Listen, Skittles,” I said, hoping to get it over with. I was so close to leaving, it was antagonizing. “Am I going to have to drag you down there?”

“You won’t take me alive!” she said, taking off away from the hole. I looked to the other five ponies.

“Anyone else who doesn’t want to go into the hole?” They all looked at me and slowly shook their heads... I couldn’t really see Fluttershy, but I just assumed she didn’t want to go, and that her friends would inevitably convince her it was fine.

“Do we really have to?” Fluttershy asked, as I predicted.

“No, we can just sit out here and starve to death while Celestia and the other ponies are slowly killed by Changelings.”

“Do you ever stop being so negative?” Twilight asked again.

“Nope, it’s my job. Now, if everyone is done complaining, into the hole!” I turned around, and heard the clopping of their hooves behind me. My Pip-Boy light reflected off the walls of the cavern and created strange, dancing shadows; each one swooping and laughing silently as we walked along. Creepy stuff.

“Say you guys,” I said, “when do you think Rainbow Dash will be coming back?”

“I dunno!” Pinkie said happily, as ever.
“Do you ever stop being so happy? It’s not natural.”

“I guess!” she replied with a smile that stretched her entire face. As per the usual, I sighed, pinched my nose, and tried not to strangle the ponies.

After a while, the noise of our footsteps began to rebound back to us, in the strange echo thing that caves do. It wasn’t long after that that we reached a door. It looked really out of place, but then again, we came here from some stairs in the freaking swamp. Nothing about this place was ever normal.

So, I opened the “normal”door and peered around on the other side. There was a small, square room and two tunnels. I hated choices too.

“Horny, you choose a door,” I said, looking both ways in contempt.

“Aww, how come she gets to choose the way Johnny?” Pinkie asked. She was clinging to my leg, looking at me with big blue eyes. A lesser man’s heart would have shattered, but her cute gaze held no effect on me. What? It was kinda cute. You keep laughing... Hey, what was your order again? A knuckle sandwich with a broken nose on the side? Yeah, that’s what I thought...

So, I shook my leg till she finally let go, and looked at Twilight.

“C’mon Horny, we don’t have all day,” I said impatiently, tapping my leg.

“Oh, uhmm...” She tapped her chin thoughtfully. These ponies’ legs were seriously more flexible than they should have been. I mean, a horse from our world wouldn’t have been able to lift their leg more than a few feet off the ground. “Left, I guess?” she said half heartedly.

“Left it is.” So, we began our epic journey to the left. Bards will sing about it for years after my death. Not really. We came to a dead-end. Only after about ten feet actually.

“Nice job Horny,” I said, “I’m never trusting you with navigation ever again.”

“Hey!” she objected. “It’s not my fault I chose the wrong path.”

“Yes it is.”

“On what grounds?” she asked smugly, thinking she had outwitted me. Clearly, she had never faced an opponent such as I.

“On the grounds of fuck you.”

She looked at me as if I had gone insane.

“That’s not a reason!” she shouted, mane steaming.

“Yes it is,” I said, turning around and heading the other way. Twilight gave up her little argument and resorted to grumbling under her breath while we explored the second tunnel, which looked identical to the first one, except it didn’t end right away.

“Hey, Johnny?” Pinkie asked?

“What’s up Pink?”

“We never would have gone down that second path if you had chosen me to pick the tunnel!”

“Ohhh, god, why?”

“Because I have an amazing sense of direction!”

“Pinkie,” Applejack interjected, “y’all have an awful sense of direction.”

“I know!”

“Then why did you just say you did?” Twilight asked.

“So Johnny would pick me next time! Shhh, don’t tell him I said anything.”

“Pink, I’m right here,” I said, and she gasped loudly and shot up into the air.

“Oh no! He knows! How much did you hear?!” I sighed and pinched my nose again.

“Nothing... Just nothing,” I responded.

“Okie-dokie-lokie!”

Then, lo and behold, another door appeared. It looked old and beat up, but it had probably been white at one point. There was two labels on it, one was too faded away to read, but the other looked like it said “Cake Dispensary”. No really, it said “Cake Dispensary”. What? No I’m not gonna read that magazine; I can read fine you little fuck!

Anyways, as I was saying before you rudely interrupted me, right underneath that were the handwritten words: “Beware all who enter, for ye shall be burned!” I rolled my eyes and was about to open the door when Twilight piped up.

“Wait!” she said, worry in her voice. “What about that warning?”

“Pffff, whatever,” I said nonchalantly, waving off her concerns. She went back to glaring at me, and I opened the door. It fell onto the floor inside the opposite room.

“Well then... When life gives you lemons...” I said, entering the room, looking around. It was rectangular, and the walls were composed of rotting wood and the tiled floor was mostly pried up, revealing dirt and rock underneath. I couldn’t see the length of the room, but I heard someone chuckling.

“Hey!” I shouted, and the chuckling stopped. “You there man?”

“YAHHHHH!” Out of nowhere, a blue pony with a flame-like mane jumped out of the darkness, holding a crudely fashioned flamethrower, pointing it straight at my face.

“YOU WILL BE BURNED!” screamed the insane pony, pulling the trigger on the device only for the pilot light to go out. “Wait, why are you burning in agony?” he asked, looking at me. I got a pretty good look at him. He was really dirty, as if he had been living down here a while, and his hair was really matted down.

“Uhh... What?” I asked.

“No, no, no, no!” he started panicking. “C’mon, c’mon.” He started to fiddle with the flamethrower, smacking it furiously. “Why won’t you work!?!” he screamed at the device, and I slid around him while he was preoccupied.

“Buck!” he swore... Yes, that’s how ponies swear. He swore and tossed the flamethrower away, and started leaning on the wall, acting nonchalant. “‘Sup.”

“Are you okay?”

“Oh yeah, I’m fine.”

“What was that about burning me?”

“Oh that? That was nothing!” He laughed nervously. “I wasn’t really going to burn you! I was just kidding!”

“Uh-huh... Sure... You mind showing us the way out?”

“Oh, but uhmm... Why don’t you stay for a while? I could show you around the place and burn you.... I mean feed you. Feed! I meant feed!” he said, laughing.

“Uh yeah, no thanks. Just show us the door and we’ll be going.”

“Aww, are you sure you can’t stay? I’d love to burn you— I mean, cook you, a nice dinner.”

“What ya’ cookin’ boss?” I asked. Hey, the pony might have been insane and looking for a chance to fry us all, but I was fucking hungry.

“I got some nice rat shish-kebab going. I wasn’t really planning on having guests, but ah, I guess I can make some extras.”

I turned around and looked at the ponies following me. They looked completely terrified. It took me a moment, but I turned to face the other pony again.

“You got a name?”

“Yeah, I’m Pyromancer.”

“That explains that,” I said under my breath.

“What was that?”

“Nothing. Say, Pyromancer, you got any food for ponies?”

“Oh, uhmm.... I might have some hay...” He tapped his chin thoughtfully. “I’d have to check though.”

“Okay, why don’t you go do that, and we’ll wait here.”

“Perfect! Oh uh, I meant, okay. Yeah, okay.” He turned and left into the darkness, and Twilight took the time to kick my leg. It actually kinda hurt.

“Ow! What the hell?” I asked, jumping away from her.

“What are you doing?!” she hissed at me. “He’s insane! We can’t stay here!”

“Hey,” I tried to reason, “I’m hungry.”

“You can get food when we find the princesses!”

“Fuck that shit! I want some goddamn meat!” I near-yelled.

“You’re willing to eat rats to sate your sick urges?” She backed away, clearly disgusted.

“Hey, that’s not the worst thing I’ve eaten, by far. Rats are really a blessing right now... And there’s nothing wrong with eating meat. Meats good.”

“I don’t care what you do anymore, we’re leaving!” she said, with vindication in her voice.

“I see, and does she speak for everyone?” I asked, looking over the group. They all nodded assents.

“Well, I guess I’ll just stick down here and eat some of these rat-kabobs. I’ll meet you guys topside. I think there’s a door over yonder.” I pointed to what looked like some glass doors.”

“Fine then!” She harrumphed and lit her horn, and soon disappeared through the door and was swallowed up by the darkness.

Not two seconds later, Pyromancer appeared, carrying two speared and well roasted rats in his mouth, and some hay on top of his head.

“So,” he said in a muffled voice, “I did manage to find some hay, but not a lot of it...” he trailed off, noticing that there wasn’t anyone else with me. He spat out the shish-kabobs and looked at me oddly.

“Where’d the other six go? I was planning on burnin— giving them that nice hay.”

“They left. Something about not eating meat. Say, can you pass me one of those rat-kabobs?”

“Sure thing!” he said happily. “It’s a secret recipe.”

I gave him a deadpan look while taking the rab-kabob from him. “It’s a rat on a stick dude...”

“So? It’s my rat on a stick...”

“Whatever man,” I said, taking a bite out of my rat.

~~~~~

“That was fucking delicious,” I said after finishing my meal.

“Really? You think so? Most ponies won’t eat meat...” he replied bashfully.

“Yeah, man. You should be a cook or something... If you don’t mind me asking, why are you down here?”

“Oh. You know, I never really thought about it... I’ve just kinda always been down here.”

“Do you know anything about Celestia or Luna?”

“Who?”

“They raise the sun and moon here.”

“Not ringing a bell.”

“Have there even been any other ponies down here?”

“Not that I know of,” he said innocently.

“Okay,” I said, running my fingers through my hair. “Why are you always trying to burn people— er, ponies...”

“This is my home... I don’t want no one else here.”

“Woah, woah, woah. I can’t help but notice that you said no one, not no pony.”

“Yeah, saying no pony would be just ridiculous.” Without warning I leaned forward and brought him into a hug. Hey, he needed it.

“You are the best pony Pyromancer.” I let him go and I saw him tearing up. For once in that whole entire fucked up trip to pony-land, I met one who I liked... What? No! No, I’m not gay! What the hell dude! I gave the fucking pony a hug! What the fuck man?!

You know what? Get the fuck off my ship. No, if you don’t get out I’m gonna punch you to death. Out, OUT!

~~~~~

Ah, there we are, much better. Where are you? Why, you’re on my ship of course! You’re here to fix it up, the last guy was being an asshole. Let’s see, where did I leave off... Oh yeah, I just hugged Pyromancer for being awesome. No, I’m not gonna start the story over to explain it.

So let’s see, I hugged him, and told him he was the best pony. I think it really touched him. I saw him tear up as I pulled away.

“Thank you,” Pyromancer whispered. “No one’s ever been kind to me before.”

I smiled and responded, “Dude, you should really get out of this cave. Do something with your life, you know.”

“I will,” he said with steely resolve in his voice. “I’m gonna leave this damn cave behind me and get out there!”

“That’s it!” After a small moments pause, I said to him, “Listen, Pyromancer. I gotta go.”

“What?”

“Yeah man, I gotta go. I have to go see the stupid princesses so they can send me home.”

“No man!” he said sadly, “You just got here! Don’t go man!”

“It’s cool guy, I’ll be back sometime, but I have to leave, this pony-land is fucking insane.”

He sniffled a little bit. “O-okay.” I got up from the dirty, rock floor and headed towards the nearby door.

“I’ll see you later,” I said with a parting wave, passing through the door. I travelled through the blackness, following a large amount of hoofprints, probably belonging to the group I was travelling with before. I reached a cobbled stone staircase and headed up, and found another door. I opened it and passed through to find myself in the familiar hallways of the pony base.

I smiled and set forward, checking everywhere. The base was eerily quiet and empty. I kept walking and started to hear commotion up ahead, in what was probably the bar room. I kept a steady pace and I found myself on the other side of the door. Quickly barging through, I found myself staring down another me, in my stealth armor, choking Celestia, and Luna and Discord magically grappling with a few other changelings.

“HEY!” I shouted, and all the commotion stopped.

“John?!” Luna shouted, only to be tacked by a changeling.

“Yeah, it’s me,” I said cockily, strolling into the ruined room. The other me looked at me with a bewildered expression on my face.

“Hey, you there, you got a couple of things wrong,” I said. “First off, there’s a scar on that arm you missed.” I pointed to the imposters arm, and when he looked down, and I grabbed it, then pulled as hard as I could, and the thing wrenched out of it’s socket. I heard the sound and tearing flesh, and the screams of the imposter, and it ripped off his body. Not a second later, green flame washed over him, revealing another bipedal changeling.

He was still screaming, looking at where his arm used to be.

“Oh, don’t be such a baby. Arms grow back,” I said casually, tossing the now black and chitinous appendage aside. I leaned in and whispered in Celestia’s ear, “No they don’t.”

“I’ll kill you!” he screamed at me, charging with his good arm, and he attempted to grab me. I sidestepped and he crashed into the ground. I looked at Celestia, who was more or less okay, trying to catch her breath. Luna was grappling with numerous changelings on the ground, and Discord was sitting in a lawn-chair eating popcorn.

“Discord, what the hell are you doing?” I asked.

“Enjoying the show. Now that you’re here, it’s gonna be all good.”

“Oh Discord,” I said cheekily, putting my fists on my hips. After the moment had passed, I looked at Luna. Still trying to get rid of the changelings. I walked up to her and grabbed two of them, and before they could react, smashed their heads together. I was about to grab another when I got hit with a punch from behind. The bipedal changeling was holding both of his hands up in a fighting stance.

“Whaddya know, I guess arms do grow back.” Right as I said that, he punched be across the cheek, and I heard a nice crack, followed by a burst of pain.

“Oh, ‘oo ‘itch!” I said. I really meant to say “You bitch” but he broke my jaw. He swung another punch and I barely dodged in time, and before he could recover, I grabbed his outstretched arm and snapped it. He screamed again. It wasn’t anything like a human scream, more like a... Robot scream? I dunno, it just sounded horrible.

So I took advantage of his moment of pain and followed with a nasty right hook and as he stumbled to the left, I grabbed his head and smashed it into the wall. It shattered into gooey green ichor, and black shards. I tell you, their heads exploding was amazing. I kinda hoped he didn’t have the ability to regenerate his head. That would be inconvenient.

I looked at Celestia, who was helping Luna with her bug problem. They looked like they had it handled. I grabbed by jaw and snapped it back into place with a loud crack, and it slowly healed once the bones were set.

“Hey Discord?”

“Yeah?” he asked, taking his eyes off the princess’ fight.

“Did you see the Elements of Harmony come up here?”

“Oh yeah, they threw a little bitch fit about me being out, and then the bugs attacked. Chrysalis and a few of her lackeys ran off with them thataway.” He tossed a thumb over his shoulder.

“Alrighty. Make sure Celestia and Luna are all good, I’m gonna go get the Elements.”

“You do that.”

~~~~~

“You’ll never get away with this Chrysalis!” Twilight shouted, despite the fact that she was bound by several strands of rope, along with her friends.

“Ah-ha! But you forget Twilight, I already have!” Chrysalis said, “Soon the princesses shall be dead, and I shall have the Elements of harmony, and I will rule all of Equestria!”

“Ugh, what happened to your face?” Rarity said, disgusted by Chrysalis’ zombie-like appearance.

“This? It is nothing! It is merely a by-product of your horrid human friend, but I have taken care of him. Soon, it will all be over!”

Twilight looked nervously at Applejack and the rest of her friends. If Chrysalis had something that could get rid of John, then there was really nothing they could do.

~~~~~

I casually jogged down the hallways. If there was one time in my life that I wanted my power armor, it was now more than ever. I might be tough, but even you know that without armor, you’re pretty defenseless.

I barged through a door and found myself face to face with a changeling. He reacted quickly, but not quickly enough before I slammed him into the ground. Dead in seconds. I looked up to see about fifteen other of the bugs rush me, and as fast as I was, I couldn’t dodge them all.

They all piled up on top of me and started biting and kicking me. It fucking hurt. I thought that I was going to die, it stopped. If you were to have looked at me, you would’ve seen a bloody, bruised, and battered thing that was barely recognizable as human, let alone alive. They hoisted me up on their backs and dragged me forward.

I could barely see anything through my eyes, as they were swollen shut, but I could make out the Elements all tied up. If I was feeling better I would have poked fun at them, but I wasn’t in the mood. I looked past them and saw Chrysalis in all her zombie-like glory.

“Oh-ho!” she laughed. “It looks like you really couldn’t take the heat.” She laughed again, a gurgling and horrid sound. “For all your effort, you’re just going to die.”

“No...” I croaked out weakly.

“What? No? Ha! You really think you can take me? In the condition you’re in?”

“No, but I can do one thing,” I said and coughed up some congealed blood and spat it in her eye. She jumped back in shock.

“Ugh! Filthy creature!” she screamed, striking my chest, and breaking any of my ribs that weren't already broken. I jerked forward and wheezed out a fresh spray of blood into the air.

“Bitch,” I coughed out, and she whipped her hoof against my face. Everything went to white and black specks for a moment, before it returned to focus.

“I will make you suffer filthy creature. I shall keep you alive and torture you every day of your remaining life,” she said sneering.

“Go to hell.” The last thing I saw was a black hoof flying towards my face, and everything went dark.

Author's Note

Longest chapter yet at, 4389 words. I'm leaving you with a cliffhanger! YOU CAN SUCK IT!
YOU, YOU AND YOU CAN SUCK IT! ALL OF YOU SUCK IT!
LIVE LONG AND SUCK IT!

Epilogue

The Jerk
Epilogue

I awoke slowly, my vision flickering. I opened my eyes only to slam them shut as they were besieged by a bright light. I tried to move my arms, but they just screamed in agony at me and I decided that I was better off not moving for now. I slowly opened my eyes as they adjusted and took in my surroundings. I was in a bleach-white hospital room, hooked up to various monitors I did not know the function of. The steady beeping sound somewhere to my right told me I was still alive.

I slowly lifted by back off the bed and groaned as my body screamed at me to stop. I looked to my left and saw a clean window and realized we must be somewhere outside. Not underneath a mountain for once. I saw ponies milling about and going about what looked like their daily business. I looked to my right and saw an empty chair.

Slowly stretching, I tried not to yell out as my muscles protested. Slowly, and with a shaky hand, I pulled off all of the little suction cup things—and an IV needle from my arm—off of my body. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and tried to stand up only to collapse as my legs gave out underneath me.

Right as I hit the ground everything started to go fuzzy, and I started to crawl out into the hallway, and soon ponies were all around me. I vaguely recall punching one or two of them before blacking out again.

Then I awoke in the same room, except with some leather straps around my arms and legs. I tugged at them experimentally, and found that my arms didn’t hurt anymore. Unfortunately, I also found that the straps were too tough for me to simply snap. I looked out the window again, and saw that the streets were empty, but plenty of lights were on. A dark thunderstorm overhead blocked out the sky, so I couldn’t tell if it was night or day.

I looked around a bit more and eventually fell asleep.

I woke up to find the straps around my arms and legs gone, and a tray of food sitting at my bedside. There was an apple, and a bowl that held some sort of soup. I looked at it suspiciously, and took the apple, taking a bite out of it. It was fucking delicious. Best food I’ve tasted in my life. I finished it in seconds, not even realizing how famished I was.

I tossed the apple core on the tray and grabbed the soup. There was some sort of lump in the middle and I reached in and pulled out what looked like a charred rat. I smiled, and tore off some chunks of meat happily. I sipped some of the broth along with it, and when I finished I noticed a small note on the tray.

It read:

“Hey, you never told me your name, but it’s been a while, and you’re easy to track down, with some help. Anyways, the doctors wouldn’t let me bring you any meat, or anything like that, so I snuck in here with this soup. Hope you like it.”

--Pyromancer

I chuckled and put everything on the tray back to where it was and looked out the window again. It was just beginning to rain, and lightning flashed in the distance. I shrugged and got up out of bed, wincing when my feet touched the ground. My legs were still sore, but I could actually walk now. My whole body felt as stiff as a board. I tried to stretch while walking, but that was pretty hard, along with trying to keep my balance.

I opened the door out of my room, and was met with an empty hospital. I closed the door and stumbled down the hallway. I heard some whistling coming from around a corner, along with hoofsteps and I looked both ways and dashed into a nearby supply closet, keeping it slightly open to see what was going on.

I saw a earth pony twirling a baton on his hoof, whistling a merry tune walking down the hallway. He wore some sort of uniform. Probably a night guard. When he had passed I exited the closet, and kept walking. I found a set of stairs and walked down, my bare feet barely making any noise. I slowly approached what looked like the lobby from the hall I was in, and gently pushed open the doors.

There was a large rounded desk that was manned by a white pony with a pink mane. She heard the doors open and looked up. She was just about to say something when she saw me.

“Oh,” she said, with a strictly neutral expression. “You’re awake.”

“Yes, yes I am. Say, do you know where my clothes are?”

“They’re over there,” she said, pointing to a chest right beside her. “Why don’t you get dressed while I call the princesses.”

“Say, one question before you do that, how long was I out?”

“A few months. You were deep into a coma.”

“Damn... Alright, go ahead and... Wait, how are you gonna call them? Last I checked, Canterlot was pretty far away.”

“We have magical means of talking over long distances,” she said with a small smile.

“Ugh, keep that magic shit to yourself. I’ve had my fill of it.”

“One would think you’d be more grateful, considering it saved your life.”

“No shit... Damn. Well then, go ahead, ring ‘em up. Feel free to admire my sexy body as I strip naked to get dressed.”

The pony crunched up her nose in disgust and turned away; so I opened up the chest, and was pleasantly surprised to find my deathclaw gauntlet, power fist, and both sets of my armor in there, fully repaired. I quickly stripped out of the hospital scrubs I was wearing and put on my stealth armor.

It felt good to be back in armor again, just going around wearing nothing felt really weird. I’m sure you know the feeling. You’ve probably woken up without your stuff several times. When I was finished, the nurse turned around again.

“They’ll be here with some carriages soon. You can just take a seat over there.” She nodded to some chairs lining the wall.

“Thanks.” I went and sat down, leaning back and enjoying the silence. After a while, the sliding glass doors opened and the three immortals walked in. Celestia, looking noble; Luna, looking bored; and Discord, looking even more bored than Luna. They all laid eyes on me at the same time.

“John, it is good to see you awake,” Celestia said, without a smile. She seemed different, probably mad at me for trying to strangle her still. Luna still looked bored, and tossed a casual glance my way before examining a chip of paint missing from the wall. Discord had procured a lawn-chair and was reading a book. The spine read “Cupcakes”.

“So, you guys here to send me home? I’ve really been missing the Wasteland.”

“We know,” came another voice, and Twilight stepped out from behind Celestia, with a pair of wings. “After all, you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

“Nice wings you got there Horny,” I said, smiling at my cleverness.

“Don’t call me that.” Her voice had taken on a peculiar, grating, angry tone.

“Are you a spy?”

“What...? No... I’m not a spy,” she replied, confused.

“Then your name is Horny.”

She replaced her scowl and started grinding her teeth. I enjoyed tormenting her.

“Peace, Twilight,” Celestia intervened. “We shall soon be rid of him.”

“Yeah, ‘bout time.” I crossed my arms. “So, how’s this gonna work?”

“We have already located the magical signature of your universe, and have prepared the spell. All you have to do is sit there.”

“Give it to me straight doc, is it gonna hurt?” I put on a worried expression.

“Yes. You shall experience pain you’ve never experienced before,” Celestia remarked, smiling grimly.

“No,” Discord intervened. “You won’t feel a thing. Stop being such a bitch Celly.” The aforementioned princess shot him an angry look, and turned back to me.

“Just hold still.” Her horn flared bright golden, and I saw Luna, Discord, and Twilight all adding their magic to the mix. There was a bright flash of light, and it was black for a moment. Suddenly, light came rushing forward, like I was in some sort of tunnel, and in the light, I caught flashes and glimpses of different worlds, and what I assumed were different universes.

Then, without warning, the images rushing past me all stopped, and I was disoriented for a second. I blinked and looked around. I was in some sort of room, and the walls were covered in white. I heard guns going off in the distance and someone yelling. I looked behind me just in time to see someone with a gas mask run by me. He was holding a revolver, and yelling something unintelligible at me. I scratched my head in confusion and turned around, and saw a fuckton of zombie things charging at me.

The white light flashed again and I was in the roaring tunnel of images one more time. Not long after, they stopped and I was in a forest, a living one. I heard the sound of clashing swords to see a man dressed in regal armor wielding a longsword, and just decimating another man who was wearing black armor.

Just before I teleported out, I heard the winning one say, “What are you going to do, bleed on me?”

So, it seemed, I was teleporting from universe to universe. I was beginning to think that Celestia had screwed me over. Now, most of what I saw was pretty boring, but there were a few that stuck out. One of them was when I appeared in a snowy white wasteland. There was a blizzard, so I couldn’t see much, but I could make out the faint outline of what looked like a small child wearing spiked, black armor.

As it got closer, I saw it wasn’t a kid, but a really, really small person. I think the term was dwarf or something. His eyes were glowing a pale blue, and his seemed unaffected by the snow. He was using a sword that was glowing with strange runes as a walking stick. He looked at me momentarily, like he was about to say something, but closed his mouth and walked away.

Then, a few more pit-stops later, I appeared in some sort of facility. There was a barricade made out of crates and bedframes right in front of me, and a metal grate floor beneath my feet. There was a gaping hole in it, and the edges were jagged, as if something acidic had eaten through it. There was a loud blaring noise then, and a voice came over an intercom, “You now have: Ten, minutes to reach minimum safe distance.”

So that was pretty much for the interesting ones. Oh yeah, almost forgot. One of them was me on a mountain, and I saw a guy shout at what looked like a dragon, and the thing—which must have weighed a few hundred tons—fly off the mountain backwards.

So, finally, I appeared back in my own world. You know how I could tell? There was a dirty guy wearing a spiked tire on his shoulder chasing a girl down the street, shouting threats at her.

Except the threats were a bit weird, probably because where I appeared was Canada.

“Hey, come back, eh? I just want to rape you, please!” is what the raider was yelling. Fucking weird. So, I had a long and uneventful walking journey back to the capitol wasteland after that.

~~~~~

“And that’s why I’m on a spaceship?”

“Yes,” John said, stretching. He finally finished his story. “Say, I never caught your name.”

“I have no name. You may simply refer to me as—” The man scooted out from underneath a dashboard he had been working on, “The Courier.”

Author's Note

And nothing hurt anymore.

Well, it's been one wild adventure hasn't it? So, be on the lookout for a sequel, probably in a few months once I have less on my plate.

Chapter 5

The Jerk
Chapter 5

I walked stealthily through the swamp, taking cover whenever I heard any noise. Didn't want to bump into any changelings and raise the alarm. There were several ponies following behind me, and I casually glanced back every now and then to check on them. I had selected a handful of their most capable warriors to be the strike team waiting outside of the base for me and the prisoners. They had chosen to guide me to the secret underground tunnel and to guide me into the base. Shining Armor approached me from behind holding the map in his telekinesis.

"Hey, Shining how close are we to the target?" I asked him as we trudged through a particularly dense set of underbrush.

"We have about one more mile to go. At the edge of the growth that it is hidden in, you can just make out one of the bases taller towers."

"Well that's just-" I stopped talking and looked up. There was something here with us.

"Shining fall back with the others."

"But si-" he tried to complain but was cut off by me.

"Now Shining."

"Yes sir. Alright ladies FALL BACK. I gave our friend the map, he can handle it from here."

"Yes, SIR!" They all replied in a creepy chorus. I had never served in any military factions except the brotherhood, and they didn't generally act like that. They always tried to be as quiet as possible. I carefully walked through the underbrush looking for signs of my stalker. I stopped moving for a moment, heard a small sound, took a guess, and cocked my head in that direction.

"You know, the view of my ass is a lot better out of the shrubbery." I said with my best sarcastic voice, which was pretty damn good. I heard a squeak and a greenish unicorn with white and green hair. She had some kind of stringed instrument on her flank (as they called it). She approached me cautiously as I sat there giving a skeptical look.

"Ummm, hello?" she asked in a nervous voice, that sounded like it was barely holding back glee.

"Are you part of the resistance?" I asked now being serious.

"Yes...but I was assigned to track the one green thing that came to our hideout, and when he was looking for his 'friend' he stumbled upon a patrol squad and they captured him."

"So let me get this straight. You were watching him as a squad of dangerous creatures, took him down, and captured him?" I asked.

"Yes bu-" and she was interrupted by my hand on her throat slamming her not-so-gently into the ground.

"WHY DID YOU NOT HELP HIM?" I yelled at her, and she could barely reply with her windpipe slowly being crushed.

"I...couldn't...he...he..." she was then reduced to a fit of coughing, and her face was turning every imaginable shade of purple. I was tempted just to squeeze a little harder and completely suffocate her, but I saw a memory flash into my mind.

He was speaking to Sarah Lyons

"One of us is going to have to go in there and turn the damned thing on. And whoever does it isn't coming back out. Not exactly how I imagined going out. So, what should we do? Draw straws?"

"I'll do it. I'll start the purifier."

"You're going to have to be quick about it. If the radiation is bad enough, you won't have much time. I won't forget what you've done here. No one will. Thank you." I stepped into the emergency airlock, and let Sarah cycle me through. I walked over to the control panel, my Pip-Boy was ticking like crazy. I entered the code. 216, and I fell over from the radiation. It was too much. I watched as the machine did it's work, and swirled around the water inside the tank. and everything went black.

I looked at the unicorn I was slowly choking to death in my hands, and made my decision instantly. I would do whatever it took to ensure the survival of humanity, and to protect the freedom of the oppressed. I let go of her, and breathed in a long jagged breath. She began to cough sporadically, and then took even more jagged breaths. I took a few steps away from her, and crouched down to hey eye level and waited for to recover. After about 2 minutes of coughing and some deep breaths, she finally looked up at me, fear in hey eyes.

I took a tentative step forward, and she began to scramble back frantically in fear. I took the step back and she calmed down. To a degree.

"Listen...I'm sorry. I thought that you had allowed him to be captured, but I now realize the error of my ways. There was nothing you could have done, and I'm sorry again."

She began to speak again, very shakily. "No. No, it was my fault. I could have helped him." and she broke down crying. "I-I'm sorry! I thought-th-that if I helped I-I would be c-c-captured! I'm SORRY!" and she curled up into the fetal position bawling. Goddamn whoever invented ponies crying. Any remaining anger that I held was now gone, and replaced, once again, with sadness. I got up and walked over to her. I pulled her up and into a hug.

"It's okay, it's okay. If you helped him you would have been captured too. I don't blame you for what you did." I said, attempting to calm her. She hugged me back and began to furiously cry into my shoulder, and after about five minutes I heard it reduced to shaking sobs. Then they stopped altogether, and I heard a light snoring. I chuckled a bit to myself. I brought up my Pip-Boy, and activated the radio function. It was never very powerful, since I had to mod it like that, but it worked. I spoke into a microphone and sent a radio signal to where Shining Armor should be.

"Shining, I have located a mint green unicorn with white and green hair with some sort of stringed instrument on her flank. She fell asleep, and I am leaving her in the same position that you left me. Please send someone to retrieve her, and escort her back to base."

A faint reply could be heard coming through. "Roger that....we....get on it." Satisfied that the situation with the unicorn would be handled, I continued my trek. I approached a set of rather out of place looking trees, and as I approached them, my Pip-Boy started ticking like crazy, I stopped and took a few steps back. The ticking slowed to a halt. I frowned. This was going to be a problem. I contracted Shining Armor using my Pip-Boy radio.

"Shining, this is John. We have a problem."

"What....it?" was the response that came back through.

"Well, it seems that the trees that are concealing the tunnel are radioactive."

"What is..........radioactive mean?"

"Radiation is deadly to me, and all living creatures. However these trees seem unaffected by said radiation. Should we look for an alternate route in?"

"No...other entrances are.......need to go in.......tunnel." He said, the static punctuating his words.

"Okay, I will deal with it. For now, I won't go in if the radiation is lethal."

"Roger...." With that last comment, I popped a Rad-x and walked towards the trees. Glancing at the Geiger counter on my Pip-Boy, I saw the rads were easily handle able. The highest patch was hitting 5 a second. I proceeded inward, and hoped that it wouldn't get any worse. I walked through the invisible shitstorm around me and saw a small manhole cover. I pried it open using a nearby stick and hopped down into a small dirt tunnel. The radiation instantly stopped, and I glanced around. There were small torches sticking out of the walls there were recently lit. That means the changelings knew of the tunnel, and there would probably be guards on the other exit.

I crouched down and worked my way down the tunnel, and after about 500 feet, the tunnel opened into a large basement. I walked out into the open, and saw that it was completely barren. Glancing around I saw a staircase that probably led up into the main building. I walked up, and saw changelings everywhere. One quick glance and I had the situation assessed. Two guarding the door, one at a desk doing paperwork, three sitting down and talking, and another headed right for the staircase. I quickly fell back, and walked to the basement again. I crouched on the corner of the door to take the changeling down.

I heard the hoofsteps coming down, and I saw the changelings horn. A few more steps and it would be in perfect position. 3 more steps. 2. 1. I jumped tackling him, and grasping his mouth so he couldn't speak. His horn started to glow, and I grabbed a nice medium sized rock and bopped it. He lost his focus, and whimpered in pain.

"Now, when I let go of your mouth, you will not cry out you got that?" I told him and he nodded in fear. As soon as I let go, a cry rang from his lips, and I snapped his neck immediately. All going according to plan. I backed away quickly hiding behind a support beam. Multiple sets of voices and hooves rampaged down the stairs. Judging from the noise they were tightly packed together. I smiled 'Too Easy' I thought, as 3 green flashes of light appeared behind me. I turned to see bits of smoking changeling behind me, along with several pieces of green goo. I smiled.

'Plasma Mines, they never fail.' I thought as I walked up the stairs again. The room was empty save for the one changeling at the desk, who was working as if nothing had happened. I cleared my throat, and put on a nice suave smile.

"Excuse me miss, (I assumed alright?) would you be so kind as to direct me towards the prisoner cells?" I said, in a highly charismatic voice that was very unlike the usual me. She looked up gasped, and her hand shot to the alarm button but didn't press it.

"Give me one reason not to press this button!" she said in a shaky voice.

"Well, if you do, you die."

"I would gladly die for the swarm." She said. Well, I have to take another approach.

"Well, how about I can just turn around and go back the way I came, and we forget all of this?" I asked still in my charming voice.

"Well, alright. I won't tell what happened but you better go." I tip my imaginary hat and bow out. I instantly duck behind the wall and pull out my pistol. Peeking around the corner, she has gone back to her work. I smiled again. 'Bad idea lady.'

I don't have a lot of experience with guns, so I opened V.A.T.S. and targeted her head. The silenced 10mm pistol did its job, and painted the wall with her brains. I walked over to her corpse, dragged it off of the chair, and saw a pretty advanced terminal. It looked like the ones we had back in the wasteland, but way more advanced. I quickly acquainted myself with the layout and noticed a posted password on top of the screen. Typing it in brought up three options.

Alarms

Schedule

Notice to all drones

I clicked Alarms, and it brought up two sub-options.

Trigger Base Alarm

Disable Base Alarms

I pushed the second one, and a message came up.

Base alarms disabled until further notice

I had to laugh at that, I mean they made a way to disable their base alarms. I skipped schedule, knowing that it wouldn't help me, and went straight to Notice to all drones.

To: All Drones
From: General Screen

Work producing an artificial substitute for love has been proceeding at a magnificent pace. Using this base in conjunction with Canterlot has yielded magnificent results. On another note, any information regarding the whereabouts of the human that appeared a few nights ago is to report to the security wing immediately.

*Attachment Enclosed*

I clicked the attachment and it brought up a map of the base, marking all the buildings. I quickly downloaded it, and made note of where I was.

Objectives
Invade Changeling base: Complete
(Optional) Find out what is going on inside the camp: Complete
(Optional) Stop the production of the 'Artificial Love'

I looked at the map again. I was in the former mayors office, now called Recruit 'Processing'. I shuddered at what they would put air quotes for, and pushed the thought aside. First Priority was to find where the prisoners were being held. I located a building right next to the science lab at the far end of the base, labeled, prisoners. Excellent, I could free them and my friend, and find out how to stop the 'Artificial Love' stuff. I crouched down, and checked my HUD to see if there were any threats around. Seeing none, I stripped out of my Winterized T51-b Power Armor, and slipped into my Chinese Stealth Armor. I activated the light refracting stealth unit and slipped out the door.

I instantly found myself face to face with a changeling, and I swerve and fell on the ground to avoid him. He looked at where I fell and began approaching I kept still hoping he wouldn't see me. I was saved by another changeling approaching the first and began to panic.

"Ghost, we got a problem!" he said to the first.

"What is it, Ash?"

"There has been an incident at the lab, and we have to get there immediately."

"Fine, let's go." he said as he shot one last look in my direction. I got up and began working my way towards the other side of the base. I passed several buildings that were not of importance, and I reached the center of the compound at midday. I glanced at the map, and I found myself at a dead end. I sighed. This was going to take even more time to sneak past the patrols again. I looked around the dead end and found myself looking at a large grey tent. What is with people and making the command tents in the most obvious places.

I entered the tent barely lifting the flap up, and a changeling dressed a pony matching the description of the small unicorns father was before me doing...whatever the hell changeling generals do. I walked up behind him, grasped his neck, and twisted sharply. With a resounding crack he fell over dead.

Objectives
(Optional) Target Leadership Figure 'General Screen': Complete

'Just too easy' I dragged his body out of sight, and walked towards the end of the tent, looking for anything valuable. I came across several charts, maps, and plans. I took everything I could and slipped out of the tent. Evading yet more patrols I continued my trek through the streets of the changeling camp. I saw a building that had a large cross on it, and I assumed it was the infirmary. Entering through a window, I found myself in a small room that had two beds. One was occupied. Inside the bed was a pony that looked strangely familiar. Mostly because he looked a helluva lot like Butch DeLoria. As soon as I thought this, I mentally kicked myself. Oh fuck no.

Objectives
(Optional) Find out if the pony in the infirmary is really Butch DeLoria.

Chapter 20

The Jerk
Chapter 20

“Should we talk to him?”

“No, just let him go. You heard him, he doesn’t want to talk about it. We better let him cool off.”

“If you say so.... He didn’t look too good.”

“He’ll deal with it the way he always does.”

“How’s that?”

“Killing things.”

~~~~~

After I walked off, leaving the two ponies at the bar to their devices I went to the sparring room, which I had passed on my way to the bar, and entered. Almost immediately, all the ponies stopped what they were doing and looked at me. It wasn’t a hostile look, just one of curiosity. It was a fairly large room, with training dummies, the little alcoves in the wall where the ponies went about plotting war and crap.

“What are you all looking at ladies? Get back to work!” Came a familiar shout from across the room and I looked over and saw Shining Armor yelling viciously at a formation of ponies. It reminded me of the head paladin yelling at the Brotherhood initiates in the courtyard. The sound of blood coming out of their pores and panting. It was music to my ears.

“WHAT IS THAT MAGGOT?!” I heard him yell, inspecting a ponies fighting form.

“Sir! This is my fighting move, sir!” Responded the pony, without a trace of fear.

“YOU CALL THAT FIGHTING?! YOU COULDN’T STAND UP TO MY GRANDMOTHER IF SHE DECIDED TO ATTACK YOU! GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR AND GO SEE THE INSTRUCTOR!”

“Sir, yes SIR!” The pony saluted and trotted off, to a far alcove.

I walked up to Shining.

“You run a tight ship here.”

“AT EASE!” He shouted at his formation. “Go get something to drink.” The weary ponies fell out and ran over to a water cooler.

“You owe me.”

“Excuse me?!” I incredulously asked.

“I want to know what your world is like, but since you denied me that pleasure, you owe me.”

“Excuse me Mr. Stick up his ass, but I don’t owe you jack shit. I can tell whoever I damn well please about my world.”

“WHAT?!” He shouted at me. “I do NOT have a stick up my ass!”

“That’s not the fucking point. I don’t have to tell you jack shit, because its my choice not yours.” He glared at me for a few moments.

“Alright then, how about a deal.”

“What’s that?” I asked, my curiosity had been piqued.

“We duel. If I win, you tell me about where you are from.”

“And if I win?” He hesitated for several moments.

“I’ll help you apologize to Celestia.” I burst out laughing.

“HA! THAT’S what you’re offering me?! You helping me apologize to that bitch?! Forgot it man, no fucking way.”

“Celestia is not a bitch!” He protested angrily.

“She insulted my one and only friend! The man that had saved me several times, and without him, YOU would be dead!” I shouted. “IN FACT!” I yelled to the rest of the room. “EVERYBODY WOULD BE DEAD, SO WHY DON’T YOU ALL JUST LINE UP AND INSULT HIM, HUH?! IS THAT HOW YOU ASSHOLES WORK? SOMEBODY SAVES YOU AND YOU INSULT THEM?! HUH MOTHERFUCKERS?!?!?!” I screamed at them, holding my arms up.

They stared at me, and I turned in a huge circle, surveying their reactions. Most were of confusion, but a select few were of fear. They weren’t anybody of importance, but they were probably the ones that had been there when he had died.

Completing my circle and coming back to Shining, he was glaring at me even more fiercely.

“I’m going to fight you. But I’m only doing it so I can beat the living shit out of you. How does that feel?”

“I accept your terms.” He said, without any fear whatsoever.

“Good, now I’m going to fuck you up so much you won’t be able to walk for a month.”

“We’ll see.” He responded. I looked around the room and saw a little sparring mat and I walked over to it, cracking my knuckles and getting ready to beat him to death. He followed me over, and started eying my armor.

“No armor.”

“Fine.” I said and simply dumped it off onto the ground and a few ponies came forward to collect it. “If you scratch it, I will personally rip out your kidneys.” They paled in shock and sped away to the armory.

“Any other rules you want to instate so I don’t kick your ass too bad?”

“No weapons.”

He was trying to wear me down. That was his game, trying to tire me out. I smiled at him.

“Hey there man. How you doing?” He let out a small growl and sped forward again, but I didn’t dodge his attack. Letting him launch a hoof at my face, I intercepted it and flicked my wrist intending to break his bones. I was rewarded with him doing a spin and he brought his other hoof down on my wrist and I dropped him from the force of the blow. I cracked my knuckles and glared at him. He let out a grin and feigned left.

Sensing his deceit, I quickly brought up my arm and deflected his hoof attack and grabbed him by his throat and briefly lifted him up and then slammed him down. Quickly punching his face and giving him a nasty fist shaped bruise, and I held him down.

“Give up yet?” I asked, unamused.

“Never.” He choked out.

“Fine.” I punched him again and I picked him up, holding him off the ground. I began to squeeze even more and he began to turn red and then purple as oxygen starvation began to kill him. I felt a tap on my leg and I turned around to see a piece of metal flying at my face and I barely ducked under it, dropping Shining in the process. Quickly recovering my bearings, I saw that a whole platoon of soldiers stood in front of me with swords drawn, ready to fight me.

“Are you sure about this?” I asked, deathly low in my tone. “Be sure.” The one who had attacked me stepped forward and brandished his weapon.

“We won’t allow you to kill our commander, or any other ponies.”

I spat at him. “Fuck you.”

He took a slow thrust forward with his sword and I yanked it out of his telekinesis and snapped it on my leg. I had a small gash on my hand, but it was nothing. He backed off a little bit. I eyed the rest of the group who were now whispering among themselves. I stood there, motionless as I waited for them to move. Slowly, a few of them began to back off and the mob dispersed. I turned to Shining who was now once again conscious.

“Next time you listen to me. I don’t have any problems killing you, remember that.”

“You pathetic thing.” He said, shaking his head in disappointment.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You think killing is always the answer. Killing, violence, there are other ways to do this.”

“I know. Killing is just the fastest way to get around my problems.” And I walked out of the room, eyeing a small crowd. Discord and Luna looked at me, and I made eye contact briefly with each of them. Discord looked at me with pity, and Luna was glaring eye daggers. I shook my head and left, not bothering to retrieve my armor.

~~~~~

“Shining are you okay?!”

“Yes princess, I’m fine.”

“He’s becoming less of an asset to us all the time. He’s trying to kill everypony.”

“It’s my fault princess, I provoked him.”

“That’s no reason to strangle somepony!” Luna protested.

“Princess, drop it. I was provoking him, you shouldn’t blame him.”

“But he attacked Celestia! All for mentioning something about his friend! He’s unstable!”

“WHAT?!” Shouted Shining Armor. “HE ATTACKED HER?!? I’m going to track him down and kill him!” He began to gallop away, but was stopped when Luna grabbed his tail.

“You can’t hurt him on your own, and I still haven’t confronted Celestia about it. She must have a say in this too.”

“If you say so.”

~~~~~

“Discord, stop following me.”

“No, not until you talk about it.” Said the fucker that had been pestering me while I walked through the maze of tunnels.

“You obviously have issues, and you need to let them out.”

“What part of, ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’ Do you not understand?”

“Nothing. But I know that people have to talk about their problems or they manifest themselves in other ways. Such as extreme anger.”

“The reason I’m angry, is because of the fact that ponies won’t fucking drop the issue. They keep pestering me, and all I want is to do my job here and go home.”

“Then let’s do it.” He said simply.

“What?”

“Let’s go kill Chrysalis.”

“How the fuck do you expect to do that. Their fortress is probably damn near impenetrable now and all the ponies here hate me.”

“That’s because you keep attacking them.” I sighed and pinched my nose.

“What did you have in mind?”

“Well, you could apologize to the ponies you attacked and strangled. From there we coul-”

“Let me stop you there, because I am not going to apologize.”

“Why not?” Asked Discord innocently. I wanted to punch him, but something stopped me.

“Because I’m not the one at fault here!”

“I’m not saying you are, but that doesn’t mean you have to stoop down. You have to be the bigger pony.”

“I’m not a fucking pony.”

“Person, whatever.” We walked in silence for a few more moments.

“Where could I find her?”

“Hospital, end of the hall and third door on the right.”

“You mean, I’ve been walking there this whole time?”

“Yes, you must have a guilty conscience.”

“Keep talking like that, and I’m gonna feed you to a Yao Guai.”

“What’s that?”

“Something that will rip you to shreds without hesitation.”

“Whatever, go in there and apologize.” Discord pointed at the door.

“I never said I was going to apologize. I wanted to know where she was.”

“That’s the denial talking.”

“Go away, I don’t want to listening in.” He said, put his arms up defensively.

“Hey no problem man, it’s cool.” Without another moment's passing, he vanished. Looking around to make sure there were no other ponies around, and I pushed open the door. Inside, I was expecting a hospital, but instead I found a small room that looked more like an infirmary.

“You call this a fucking hospital?” All of the nurses and doctors looked up at once. One of them approached me, while the rest went about their business.

“Hello sir, I am Doctor Stable. Nice to meet you.” He held out his hoof and I glared at him. He let out a small cough and lowered it. “Is there a reason you are here sir? If you don’t need medical attention, I am going to have to ask you to leave.”

“Where’s Celestia?”

“Uhh, she’s in the recovery ward sir, no one's allowed to see her.”

“Bullshit, I strangled her a bit that’s all. You don’t just go to recovery if you have a bruised throat and some oxygen deprivation.”

“Y-you strangled her?” His face went white.

“Yes, and I came to see her.”

“Y-you can’t. S-she’s recovering!” He quickly backed away, and as if on cue a loud complaining voice sounded from across the room.

“I don’t need to be here my little ponies! I’m fine, really!”

“Princess, you need your rest. You were hurt grievously!”

“It’s just some bruising nurse!” Celestia complained and pushed past the nurse.

“ESCAPING PATIENT!” Screamed the nurse suddenly. “WE HAVE TO RESTRAIN HER! ANESTHESIOLOGIST! SEDATE HER!” Without warning, a mob of ponies jumped her and before she could protest she was dragged back into the room.

I narrowed my eyes. “What’s going on there?”

“She has to rest, she was seriously injured.”

“Didn’t look like it, she was walking around just fine.”

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave now. We are very busy right now.” The room was empty, save for one pony in a bed.

“Yeahhhh, I’ll be on my way.” I slowly backed out of the room and closed the door gently. I turned around and looked up and down the halls. Still no one here. Quickly and quietly, I slipped into my Chinese Stealth Suit and activated the stealth module. I vanished from sight, leaving only a faint outline of myself.

I knocked on the door three times and when it opened the doctor came out.

“Hello? Anypony here?” He looked left and right. “Huh, must be imagining things.” He turned around and I slipped in behind him. I crouch-walked around him and into the small room where Celestia was.

I opened the door and Celestia was passed out on an operating table in a dark room. A single light shined overhead and she was surrounded by several Changelings.

“We can’t let her get out again, we won’t be able to stop her once her magic returns.”

“Alright, hoof me the neutralizing agent.” One of them handed the other a jar of purple liquid. “Okay, now we have to-”

I deactivated the stealth module and stood up.

“You’re not doing jack shit.” I cracked my knuckles and they paled.

~~~~~

“Alright, so he went in there to apologize to Celestia and he hasn’t come out yet?

“That’s what happened.”

“So he went in there to apologize?”

“Did you not hear me when I said he hasn’t come out yet?” Asked Discord with an upraised eyebrow.

“I’m not buying it. He’s probably in there to finish killing her!” She gasped when she said this. “I’M COMING TIA! HOLD ON!”She yelled and was about to buck open the door when it opened from the other side and a figure tall bipedal figure garbed in black, covered with bits of Changelings and green blood, carrying Celestia over it’s shoulder.

“I believe this belongs to you.” John said, shaking Celestia a bit for emphasis.