Negan gets a job at Twilight's New Library!

by Sense of Humor

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Crossover
Length: 3247

After a night at Pee-Pants City, The most hated man on television decides to have a Job/Hobby much different than being leader of a post-apocalyptic gang.

Twilight constructs a new library in Ponyville, one that she hopes to be the manager of. However, even the princess of friendship can't seem to find a single pony willing to be her employee. Not a single equine soul wants to help her out other than her darling Spike…

or the middle-aged human wielding a wire-wrapped baseball bat.

(rated teen for meanie words.)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-11-19 16:32:02 UTC

So...Back to It!

An uncoordinated whistle ran throughout  the entire van, falling on the ears of three leather-clad individuals. The driver, while not really annoyed by the random whistling, occasionally glanced over to the passenger seat to look at his leader. Said leader seemed to be occupied with cleaning bloody brain bits and ear pieces off of his baseball bat, which was wrapped in tangled barbed wire. The whistle slowed down as the leader noticed his diver's stare, a frown crossing his slightly bearded face. "...What? Am I bad at whistling?"

"N-No, of course not...N-negan..."The driver nervously responded, averting his eyes from the gory bat and yet finding himself drawn back to it with a sickening taste in his mouth. He pointed at an object dangling from the side of the bat with a cough. "It's just...uh...there's a uh..." he pointed again, but didn't continue with the sentence.

Negan turned his favorite little lady around bit by bit until his eyes lit up; a gloved hand revealed that he had an eyeball dangling by the stem between his fingers. The leader's face twisted into an eerily satisfied, calm grin. "Ah, look at that...You saw that from the truck, didn't ya? When I gave that one on the end a little..." He slapped his tongue against the roof of his mouth to make a short clucking sound. "Now that was some gross sh#t, wasn't it?"

The driver only returned his attention to the road, but Negan wasn't nearly finished. "...Anyway, I'll bet you boys are wondering where I'll be headed off to by my lonesome, huh?"

"Sure would ease my conscience. "Simon, his right-hand man, nodded from the back and shared a chuckle with Negan.

"Heh heh... Well, if you must know...I've been feelin' a little...bored as of lately. Don't get me wrong, boys, doing this is fun...but when you have just one hobby to enjoy like I do, it jes' don't cut it..." Negan looked out the window, chewing the inside of his mouth with thoughts in his twisted head. " Don't ask me how I know or nothin...but I plan on walking from here to a new job I jes' discovered...that means stop the car."

Once the car did slow a stop, The driver noticed a startled jump that a rotting figure was limping towards them. Negan noticed this after the figure shuffled emotionlessly towards his door,snarling in a raspy tone. The murdering gang leader kicked open the door forcefully enough to make the walker stumble back and leave enough time for Lucille to finish things off with a single strike. Sighing happily at his girl's work, he turned back to face the two still in the car. "Welp: I'll be walking from from here. You two head on back home."

"Is...I-Is this all you want? Can I see her now...?"

Simon looked ready to snap at the driver, but his leader cut him off with a raise of his hand. The driver looked at them in dawning apprehension, but it was too late to take back his question.

"...Buddy,Buddy,Buddy...Wow. You must be deaf. Not just hard 'a hearing--Deaf. You remember what i told you the last time you asked for yer girl? Lemme refresh yer memory..." Negan calmly stalked over to the driver's side of the car, but suddenly his entire demeanor changed. The car door was flung open and the driver found himself struggling to get out of the vice-grip of Negan, who flung him to the ground right where the walker fell a minute before. A knee pinned his head painfully to the ground in front of those dead, hungry eyes and frozen mouth full of bloody teeth. "I told ya that yer girl was all alone in a big metal box.  Now Imma tell ya somethin' different. If you ask me about her again...I'll let one of these suckers keep her company. Think I won't? Try me."

After several tense seconds, Negan slowly let the whimpering man up and got his feet with a sour frown. He gestured for the man to get back in the car and then scowled at Simon. "You're in charge till I get back. Don't let everything fall apart, hmm?"

With an acknowledging nod, Negan began to walk into the unseen distance, pulling something rectangular from inside his jacket.

Twilight should've been more than happy with the new library she'd created, from the grueling dimensions to the painstaking cost of painting the place. Then she had to ship in tons of books from her own castle and a few other libraries in Equestria, trying to make the most diverse library ever recorded here in the wondrous town of ponyville. From natural history books to nonfiction books to art tutorials to comics to fiction books, Twilight made sure to include it all in her soon-to-be public collection. There were more books in the giant room now than she'd ever had to organize before, even that time when she spent three days organizing the books of her castle. The organizing process for the current time would be easier with employees...but that was where her problem lay....Lie...was.

For some reason, NOPONY wanted to sign up as an employee even with her position as the alicorn princess of friendship. Each of her closest friends gave excuses, Starlight tried to say no as kindly s she possibly could and everypony else she tried simply said no. Twilight could've forced somepony to work there, but she didn't like the idea of forcing her citizens to do anything. But she, even with Spike's assistance, couldn't possibly hope to open the store before friday. Maybe she would have to extend things to next week, so she could have the time to--

"Twilight!" The sound of Spike's voice shrieking in the air got her attention, and she noted that his voice was coming from beneath the crystal floor. "Uh, there's someone here to see you!"

The princess furrowed her brow as she trotted down the stairs, whoever might be visiting was somepony that Spike had never seen before...and come to think of it, he said 'someone'. The only place he'd said that word was in the human world, where Sunset Shimmer currently resided. But a human in Equestria was pretty much impossible; their physical composition would be changed to that of a pony. In any case, Twilight finally the reached the door and her worried looking assistant. "Who is it, Spi..."

She trailed off when she spotted a barbed-wire wrapped baseball bat, almost completely soaked in blood sprinkled small bits of flesh. Her wide eyes traveled way, way up the wooden stick until she saw the full figure of a human leaning on the baseball bat.

"Hey there. You must be Twilight...I'm Negan." She blinked rapidly as his bearded smile grew wider and bore more yellow teeth. "I hear you're need of a worker?"

To eat or not to eat?

Twilight wasn't sure what to make of the application when she reviewed it, and honestly regretted giving Negan an application altogether, mostly due to the things he wrote down on it. The Alicorn went into the main room to find him missing from his chair...along with Spike, mysteriously. Curious after hearing some voices coming from the kitchen, she trotted into it to see what was going on: Spike was standing on a chair that was in front of the dining table and Negan was in the other chair, scrutinizing a hayburger suspiciously.  "This don't taste so good. Where's the actual meat?"

"We don't cook meat in ponyville, or Equestria for that matter!" Spike rolled his eyes. "Are you going to eat it or what?"

"Spike, please be a little nicer towards our guest." Twilight reprimanded and placed the application papers on the table before Negan, who glanced down at them halfheartedly. She cleared her throat before finding the words to speak to the man. "Well, your application is mostly fine...though your hobbies are a bit concerning..."

"Concerning?" Negan asked.

"Yes. I'm not sure if most library workers like to...'bash in skulls' or 'collect food/gun rations from people at gunpoint'.  Not to mention your references all seem to live in the same area as you and work as your subordinates." Twilight looked up from the paper and raised an eyebrow at him. "If there was anything critical they would want to say about you, I fear they would be fired for it since you're their leader."

"Fired isn't the best term I'd use, but yeah. Pretty much."

Twilight stared at him blankly for a moment before sighing and feigning a grin. "Well, I guess you can start working. I don't have any library uniforms for you yet, but I can get Rarity to design something for you. She's a specialist in clothing design. In any case, Just alphabetically stack up up the books the way a library usually would! If anypony comes in to look for something, just help them out as best you can. I'll be here if you need me." Before Negan could offer her a patented grin and nod, Twilight remembered something. "Um, one more thing: What's a walker?"

"Well, to put things simple like one a those books I just skimmed through...they're 'Zombies'. " Negan stated the word as if it were an inside joke. "Just a few human carcasses that roam aroun', eating pretty much anything they want. Think it's some kind of virus, but I'm not sure."

Twilight rolled her eyes and sighed. "Greeeat. You just introduced a pathogen to all of Equestria. I'm gonna have to get Discord to solve this...again." Another thought occured to her, and she worriedly looked at Negan. "Is there a Canterlot high school where you come from? Or a Sunset Shimmer?"

"...nope!"

"Phew. Okay, you can go now." Twilight offered him a good natured smile. "Thank you again for applying here!"

"DON'T BE RIDICULOUS!" Negan barked on his way out of the kitchen, chewing his hayburger with a sauce attitude. He winked at her before disappearing. "....Thank YOU!

Moving one leg in front of the other was a challenge for the walker.

It's decaying mind could only consider the insatiable need to feast on blood and flesh till the end of its days, swallowing the lives of all it could. Walking was just something it had to do to get to its next source of food...it was on a matter of time before it found something. It had to find something.

A crackling noise nearby made the walker snarl, gnashing it's lipless teeth at the sound and starting to turn it's direction towards it. The Virus eating away at its stomach chewed furiously now, making it's walking a bit faster. But when the walker reached the location from which the noise came from, it was greeted by the sight of a spiralling column of bright white light. It shuffled closer, unknowingly disintegrating it's body into the light source only to rearrange itself in a different area.

It was weird, it had the sensation of being propelled through the air and finally rolling to a halt on a dirt road. Its once perfectly intact arms were now broken at the elbow beyond repair. The walker sill managed to get to it's feet after a few minutes of moving and twitching...hmm, the sun was brighter here for some reason and the colors of the world were extremely cheerful looking. While not able to think considerably well, walkers were a bit more perceptive than most zombies and could definitely tell when there was a change in the enviroment.

A hum garnered it's attention, and the walker began to slowly turn it's body with a feverish snarl. The delightful tune churned it's stomach, but revealed that the food source was much different from what it usually ate. It was some kind of white furred horse with a purple mane. It tugged on a cart full of clothing supplies with a series of grunts laced into the humming. The walker walked towards it.

"...oh! Hello there...good sir?" The horned pony offered a bright smile as opposed to it's permanent, rotting  frown. Hands reaching out, the walker prepared to grasp her body full of blood and perfect meat, when a Hoff stopped them. "My goodness! Your clothes are filthy--just FILTHY!"

Clothes?

Clothes.

Clothes.

Clothes.

The walker, against the eternal command of the virus in its bloodstream, looked down at the wooly jacket and pants that were infested with bugs of all kinds.  It's brain pulsate painfully as it considered the damaged state of the clothing against the will to eat her." GgGgraaah..."

"No no no! This simply will not do! You must come with me, so that I can get you all cleaned up! Just carry this cart and follow me!" The pony plopped the straps to the cart in his outstretched hands and began to trot ahead of him, making the undead gentleman to make a confused snarl and stare after her. The pony rolled her eyes when she looked back at him and gestured for him to follow with her head. "Well? Come along!"

The Walker, completely puzzled, clacked his teeth together as its brain pumped to process the words she spoke. He exhaled raspy breaths at first, and then put one foot in front of the other...eventually walking. The unicorn looked pleased, and turned her head back around to begin leading him away.

Where's the application for Lucille to join???

His boots crunched loudly as he walked into the main area of the entire room despite not stepping on much of anything, and his deeply interested gaze swept the hundreds of bookshelves before falling on the giant mountain of books just sitting there in the middle of the floor. He could clearly see that it surpassed the height of his head and was way wider than he was thick. A very confused Alicorn and a disgruntled dragon followed him from behind.

"Hmmm...That is one big pile a' sh!t. " Negan stated the obvious as he tapped his baseball bat on the floor in consideration. "...It is informational though. There's always that."

Spike scowled at the crimson liquid dripping from the bat. "You're getting blood on the floor."

"Eh, that'll come up with some lemon juice and baking soda. Believe me, I would know."

"I...uh...this...this doesn't make sense." As usual, Twilight's brain didn't seem to be comprehending what was going on here. She trotted to a stop in front of the man, her height settling just at his waist and near enough to the bat to sicken her. "How did you even get here?! Why aren't you a pony?!"

"I dunno." Negan shrugged halfheartedly and picked up a book titled "The Hatchet." "Why is he a dragon?"

"Because dragons are just natural born here! There are no humans in Equestria! Even if there were, they'd be ponies!" Twilight frowned deeper when he realized that the man was ignoring her, skimming over pages of the book he'd found. "...Do you at least know how you got here?!"

Negan tossed the lame book over his shoulder nonchalantly and reached into his jacket pulled a rather thick book with no title on he front of it. He handed it to Twilight, who levitated the book to her eyes. "By way of that bucket a' fun! I've been reading the things it records about you lovely folks and at the same time, I just so happen to find a little mirror on the last page."

Twilight grimaced with horror as she discovered that the book had detailed events in her life, almost as if the pony who did this were standing next to her the whole time. the Alicorn reached the end of the book and saw a a mirror the size of the page, but with no reflection...just an infinite swirl of color. It didn't take a genius like her to recognize it as a portal very similar to that of the one she used in the past.

"I don't know who's in charge a' books like that, but they do a baaad job of keepin' track of 'em." The human used his bat to sift around a couple of other books, and look at more pun-filled titles. "Can you believe my luck in finding it and discovering that it can take me all the way out here?! That's the coolest thing ever!"

Spike didn't wish to study the book as intently as Twilight was, so he scrutinized Negan again. "So you came straight to this castle because...?"

"Aside from me bein' so plum bored? The book mentioned you being in charge of this here library and running short on the staff to help ya run it. Well today's your lucky day!" Negan announced, his voice imitating that of a auctioneer on some serious drugs. " 'cuz fer the low, low price of whatever currency you got in this place...I will be willing to put forth my effort in organizing this heap of mess behind me."

Twilight completely dropped the book and stared at the impossibly grinning face of Negan, who added in a wag of his eyebrows for effect. She opened her mouth to start talking trailed off into silence and then opened her mouth again. "You want to work here?"

Negan huffed out a laugh and tilted his head."That's what I said, Darlin'...I mean, Boss!"

"Twilight?" Spike coughed suspiciously into his fist and gestured to the fresh, recently shipped library tables nearby. "Can we,uh...talk for a sec?" After casting her guest a reluctant grin, Twilight followed through with her assistant's request. "So, we're obviously not letting him work here, right?"

"...He did come all the way out here to get a job." Twilight pointed out against her feelings. "It doesn't seem so nice to send him back empty hoov...handed like that."

Spike glowered more.  "But he's got a bloody baseball bat! Clearly that's not a good employee to have around! He could be a bad guy, wherever he comes from."

"But we always reform villains when we can! Discord was a bad guy, and look how he...Look how Starlight turned out! She's one of your best friends!"

"I don't think we're gonna be friends."

"You never know what can happen at a job! We'll give him a chance." She lowered her voice a bit more. " If he turns out to be as bad as you think, I'll send him back where he came from and seal the portal. Otherwise, be on your best behavior."

Spike gave a childish grumble and crossed his arms, which Twilight took as acknowledgement. Negan, who had obviously been trying to eavesdrop on their conversation, stood up straight and offered one of his signature grins to her. The alicorn reconsidered what she was going to agree to, and spoke: "Mr...Negan. Would you mind taking a seat until I come back with the application? You may set your weapon in that corner over there."

"Well, Sh!t! Looks like you get to sit pretty somewhere, Lucille!" Negan told his bat with a skip in his step, letting it lean against the corner of the room as specified. Twilight exchanged a glance with Spike before trotting off in search of the application papers. Spike didn't make any eye contact with the 'guest', but that didn't mean that he couldn't hear anything from him. After all, it was only four seconds before he heard:

"Hey kid...Y' got anything t' eat? I'm hungrier than a lotta folks back home are nowadays..."