Bordermares

by Regidar

Rating: teen
Tags: Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Big Macintosh, Fluttershy, Adventure, Pinkie Pie, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 6539

A Borderlands Crossover!

Equestria has been destroyed by war, and is now a vast wasteland. However, Lyra Hearstrings managed to ustalise human technology to save many from death, and now the population of this post apocolyptic wasteland is booming! Four ponies have set out to find the fabled Ruins of Canterlot, where wealth, fame, and power await those who find the ruins.

Published 2012-06-29 23:24:03 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-14 01:51:30 UTC

So You Want to Hear a Story?

“So... You want to hear a story, eh? One about ponies? Haha, have I got a story for you! Equestria... This is our home. But make no mistake - this is not a place of peace and love. It is a vast wasteland, filled with corruption, that only a fool would want to live here. Then perhaps I am a fool. But do not be fooled by what Equestria appears to be. There was a legend... Many people tell it. The legend of the Old Days. My father would always go on about The Ruins of Canterlot; even with his dying breath. Advanced Human technology, courtesy of the late Engineer Lyra Heartstrings. Infinite wealth. Fame. Power. Mares. So you can understand why some little foals who hear the stories grow up to become Ruin Raiders. Well, I have a story you may not believe. But I tell you it is true. The legend of the Ruins is real! And it is here on Equestia. And a... let's call her a 'guardian alicorn,' appeared to guide the Ruin Raiders to their prize. The tale begins right here on Equestria, with the brave Ruin Raiders, the guardian alicorn and most importantly, me...”

A lone bus drove down the road. A small skag wandered around, pinking at the grass, then bounded across the road, only to be immediately hit by the bus.

The driver of the bus, a pink mare with springy pink curls looked back at her passengers.

There was a purple one with a mask and a sniper rifle leaning by her, a big Red one with cloth wrapped around his front hooves, a Cyan one with a rainbow mane and multiple armor pieces strapped to her, and a yellow one with an SMG lying to her side. They were all fast asleep.

The town slowly came into view, and the driver started to talk loudly.

“All right back there, time to wake up! It's a beautiful day, full of opportunity!

Next stop: Fyrestone Depot. Time to gather up your stuff! Who's gettin' off the bus? You with the sniper rifle and the crazy mask? You look like a Appaloosa wrestler moonlighting as a dominatrix, mare. And you, soldier mare? Are those armor pieces from the Crimson Mane you're wearing? And what's your story, young mare? What can you do? Perhaps you can bake us all a wonderful cake, haha! I’ve baked plenty of cakes in my time, you should come over and help! And you, beefcake in the back... I'm not going to make fun of you. Your burps smell of blood, and you growl like a rabid manticore. Anyway... I've got some advice for all of you. It's tough out there, and you won't be able to just beat up on whatever you please until you're ready. Sure, you can take from the bandits or find things in the wild, but equipment you buy from my stores are guaranteed! And if you die, you can't get your money back because you're dead! I kid! No need to be so serious here. And if you're looking for the Ruins, well, you're going to have your work cut out for you. So don't be afraid to spend what it takes to get the equipment you need. You listen to Pinkie. I come from seven generations of merchants and I'm the best. Want to know why? Cause I'm making it out here, in this place!”

The bus came to a stop.

“Well, we're here. Don't worry about saying goodbye. I'm sure we'll be doing this all again soon enough. Haha... get off my bus.”

All of the four ponies left the bus one by one.

“Oh, and Remember! Life’s a Party!”

“Finally, we’re off that damn bus!” Rainbow Dash joyously yelled, flexing her wings and picking up her assault rifle.

“Eeyup,” Big Mac said, stomping his hooves into the dust a few times.

Twilight Sparke cocked her sniper. “Let’s not get to joyous just yet. We have to be ready for a lot of competition. I hear a lot of bandits roam this area.” Owylisus flew down and landed on her shoulder, his specially sharpened talons gleaming in the sunlight.

Fluttershy looked down at the ground as she slowly phased in and out of existence. She held a SMG, a crappy Lunar model, but she didn’t look like she ever planned on using it.

“Can’t we try and go about this in the least violent way as possible?”

“We didn’t come here not to be violent, Fluttershy!” Rainbow said, loading up her Celestian model assult rifle.

A small whirring noise startled the group. Looking behind them, they saw a small machine slide over to them.

“Oh great, a cloptrap,” Rainbow Dash groaned.

“Hello there! I am CL0P-TP, or Cloptrap! I am here to show you around our town of Fyrestone Depot!”

“Now we’re gonna have to listen to it yapping all the time,” Rainbow Dash said, rolling her eyes.

“Eeyup,” Big Mac said, giving the Cloptrap a pensive look.

“I think it’s cute!” Fluttershy went over to the Cloptrap and petted the top of its box body.

“Somepony thinks I’m cute? I’m flattered, really..” The Cloptrap went off into a long winded speech about how nopony loved him ever since he was built, and Fluttershy immediately regretted complimenting the small machine.

“Ah! Anyway, we should probably go over to the Doctor, he’ll know what to do with you all, and-”

The Cloptrap stopped after hearing the revving of engines.

“What was that?” asked Twilight.

“AH! BANDITS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!” The cloptrap yelled, scurrying to hide under a trashcan.

A vehicle crashed over one of the gates, and, driven by two stallions wearing masks, parked near the four Ruin Raiders, and disembarked from their jeep.

Dashie readied her assault rifle, Big Mac lifted his front hooves and snorted, and Fluttershy squeaked and phased out of existence again.

Twilight readied her sniper, and Owylisus flew up into the air.

"Let's do this."

With the Bordermares

Hey guys, Regidar here.

You are about to read a parody of Team Headkick's "In the Borderlands"

I figured I may as well post this to keep you guys busy while I write chapter 2.

I don't think there are any spoilers, just some backround stuff. Think of it more as a "prieview."

Let me know who you like it!

With the Borderlands
"Ponies stole my Lunch"
By Regidar
Produced by Lemonadenapalm

In a place that was once Equestria,
Is only now a place of mass hysteria
3 mares one stallion looking for fame
Killing anything that gets in their way
A place now owned by bandits
Get hit quick, grab a health kit
Skags, mutants, and Giant Parasprites
Zombies too, can't sleep at night
Ruins of Canterlot is their only goal
A legend that was only meant to entertain a mere foal
A whole bunch of raiders, killers, and thieves,
Get anything you want from Pinkie's vending machines
Spend the whole day listening to the Cloptraps
Exploding barrels force ya down on your back
But if you're a pegasis, protect your things
The bandits make sure to shoot for the wings
What ever happened to this place
Once a land of love, now it's a disgrace
Fluttershy, can't be afraid to pull the trigger and shoot
Because in this world you can't get by by being cute
Well I suppose I should kill 9 hooves alright
But get ready for much harder of a fight
Run to the vendor and grab a gun
Owned by Pinkie, let's have some fun
So now we're geared up, we're all ready
Twilight slashing everything up with her machete
Rainbow Dash, you shouldn't let her drive
She'll nearly kill you when she crashes the ride
Got a itchy trigger finger, ah huh a little bit
Take down everything with one hit
Fluttershy's magic runs off of her mana
Got to stop to go and help Nirvana

Down We Go, hunting like nopony cares
Anything can happen, and does, with the Bordermares

Big Mac can take a lot of damages, he's so tough
Gotta kill Scar off, and get back T-Niegh's Hoof
Rainbow Dash got kicked out of the Crimson Mane
For what, we can't guess, and she'd rather not say
Speaking of the Crimson Mane, with bandits they're a little too lienient
When they start shooting, our shields are convenient
Whatever we do, we get under their skin
But you know in the end we will always win
A well placed shot, makes your brains move
Gotta respawn, see Doctor Whooves
Hide behind Cloptraps, use 'em as fodder
Reaching the Ruins, you know I gotta
After finding the Ruins, what's next
A whole new island to put us to the test
Throw out all our worries, notions and cares
And will have some fun with our Bordermares

The Doctor is in

The first bandit pulled out his revolver and let loose a couple of potshots, all of them missing and hitting the ground near Big Mac's hooves. Big Mac snorted, and charged the bandit. The bandit turned to run, but it was too late. A powerful kick, and he was flying.

"I regret nothing!" he shouted as he smashed into a fence, where he expired.

"Hey, nopony smashed their hooves fatally into my buddies spinal cord but me-" The bandit was silence after a quick shot to the face from Twilight.

Both of the bandits now dispatch, the Cloptrap returned from its hiding place.

"Man, those bandits never leave us alone! Anyway, I was never able to properly show you guys the best part! The New-U station, courtesy of Mahne Corporation! Just go up, and let the machine do its work!"

Fluttershy approached it first, and winced as it inserted a long needle into her arm. The Machine beeped and lights flashed, and a 3D model of Fluttershy appeared at the top.

"Hmm, you seem to have large amount of magical qualities in your DNA! And you're a pegasis! Seems a little off, but on you go!"

Big Mac stepped up and unflinchingly allowed his DNA to be harvested and categorized in the New-U. A 3D version of himself flashed upon the top of the model, and the Cloptrap provided commentary.

"Ah, Big Mac! I know you! You were in the Celestian Beatdown tournament, and in the Celestian Incident! Did you ever find your sisters?"

Big Mac gave the small machine a look so murderous that the scorching air around them seemed to drop a couple of degrees. THe Cloptrap dropped the subject.

"Ah, eh... um, anyway! Next please!"

Twilight went up and registered herself. She felt a small prick as it entered her and acquired her genetic code. A version of herself in the odd 3D rendering appeared on the New-U interface.

"Ah! Twilight Sparkle! Quite magical, as it seems! Surprised you didn't become a siren!"

"I have my reasons to why I stay clear of them," Twilight said, looking to the side, avoiding the Cloptrap.

"Ah, very good. Move along then!"

Rainbow Dash thrust her arm out, and the needle jutted into her. She looked momentarily pleased, then she recovered her composure.

"Ah, the infamous RAinbow Dash!" The Cloptrap said, excited. "You gave hell to the Crimson Mane, and damn, even the whole Celestian Corperation!"

Rainbow Dash looked rather pleased with herself.

"Ah, but is this Mareoin the New-U detects in your bloodstream?"

Rainbow Dash's smirk slid right off her face.

"NO! I don't take Mareoin! The machine is lying!"

"Machines don't lie, sweetheart!" the Cloptrap said happily, typing something into the New-U, "But Don't fret! I would certainly start using drugs if I had to go through what you did!"

Rainbow Dash slowly retreated to the back of the group.

"Anyway, you all best be off! You should head to the Doctor's, he's in that house right up ahead!"

The group started off towards the house, when a bullet hit Rainbow Dash's armor. She fell on her face, and the rest of the group turned around.

Ten odd bandits had their guns trained on the mares, stallion, and robot. The Cloptrap immediately ran screaming to hide under a cardboard box.

Fluttershy squealed, and pulled up her SMg, and sprayed wildly into the crowd of bandits. She got lucky and hit one in the face, killing him instantly, but most of the others had managed to escape from the spray of projectiles.

Twilight sent Owlysus out, and she pulled up her sniper rifle. However, a well placed shot from a bandit hit her right above the knee, and she fell into the dirt.

The pain was overwhelming, and something odd happened to her. Infront of her vision, an grainy image of what looked like Princess Celestia manifested in front of her.

"Don't be alarmed. I need you to stay calm and don't let on that anyone is talking to you. You need to defeat the bandits, and then head to Fyrestone to MEET THE DOCTOR. You don't have any reason to trust me, but I need you to believe that I'm here to guide you - I'm here to help you find the Ruins. I'll contact you again soon."

The image faded out.

"What? Princess... Celestia?" Twilights mind swarmed with ideas and thoughts. Could she really have found her at last?

Another bullet barely missing her jared her back to reality.

Rainbow Dash picked up her assault rifle, and charged the bandits, shooting them as bullets pinged off her armor. Laughing maniacally, she smashed the butt of her gun into the heads of one of the thugs, crushing his skull. However, do to this, she could not see the other bandit taking careful aim, and getting ready to fire into the weak point of her armor.

Fortunately, Big Mac noticed this, and solved the problem by smashing in the skull and upper back of the bandit with his hooves.

Only four bandits were left at this point, some having been slain from Owlysus clawing their eyes out, and they were pissed.

And by that, I meant pissing their pants.

Getting ready to run, the bandits turned hoof, but Rainbow Dash wasn't going to let them get away so easily.

Shooting like a maniac, she gunned down two instantly, and another got five feet before collapsing. The fourth one was about to go down, but Fluttershy shoved the gun down.

"No! We don't need to kill senselessly!"

The bandit disappeared, and Rainbow Dash scowled.

"You can't be so lenient! If there's anything the Crimson Mane taught me is that never leave survivors!"

Fluttershy gave Rainbow Dash a look.

"What's the worst that could happen from showing a little compasion?"

***

Jake Evermane, the bandit who had been unlucky enough to have been drafted into a raid on Fyrestone Depot and have all of his friends and raiding buddies wipped out by four strangers who showed up from out of nowhere, ran into the secret tunnle which lead to his boss's lair.

"Nine Hooves! Three mares and one stallion killed everyone in the raiding party on at Fyrestone except me!"

The terrifying monster that was the head of the bandits in the Skag Gully area of the Arid Badlands scowled.

"No pony but me kills my bandits! We'll keep sending bandits until they are exterminated!"

***

"Attention citizen of Fyrestone! The bandits are gone!" The Cloptrop happily announced to the deserted town.

"Citizen? As in, one?" Twilight Sparkle inquired.

"Well, shoot. I thought I was a goner that time!" came a voice coming over a soundsystem from a nearby garage.

"Had to lock the place up tight. I'll let you in.. hold on.." The garage in question's door shuddered, then died.

"Damn circuits are on the fritz again. Give it a switch from out there, will yah?"

Fluttershy looked to her left. A switch lay there. She pressed it, and the biu;ding across the way exploded.

"No, not that switch! The other one!"

Closer to Big Mac there was a switch. Big Mac pressed it, and the garage door opened up.

Inside the garage, there was a pony wearing a lab coat with his back turned to them. A table with a dead mare on it stood in front of himTuringing around, they could see he was a brown colored, brown maned colt with a face mask on. He lifted up a buzz saw menacingly, and then cut off the left hoof of the dead mare.

"Thanks fer openin' her up again. Name's Whooves. They don't let me cut on colts anymore since I lost my license, so now I keep the med vendors 'round here runnin'. From the vendors you can buy all the healin' you could ever want from a real doc... thankfully without a "Ruins-are-a-myth,-you'll-get-yourself-killed" lecture."

The group took a look around the shop while Doctor Whooves sawed on the dead body.

"Yup, no pony hangs out in Fyrestone anymore... 'cept T-Niegh, but he's out in that farm near Skag Gully. Whatcha colts doing here anyways?"

"We're looking for the ruins, sir," Twilight said, swatting Rainbow's hand as she tried to grab some money out of one of Doctor Whooves's lockers.

"Pff! That load of skag dung? honestly, you really think that place exists?"

"Think?" Rainbow Dash said indignantly. "THINK? We don't 'think', mister fancy doctor guy, we KNOW the Ruins are there!"

Doctor Whooves backed away from the raging Dash.

"Woah, come down, little filly. Well, since you guys are here, why don'tcha do me a favor? Clean up some of those damned skags in the just outside of town. They piss me off, plus, I want to make sure you can hold off against those things. they can get pretty brutal you know."

The group looked at each other, shrugged, and went outside. Once outside, the Cloptrap ran screaming down the road.

"THEY'RE BACK!"

Everypony turned, to see about twenty five or more bandits standing in between them and the way to Skag Gully.

"Oh. It's on," Rainbow Dash said, her eyes narrowing.

"Eeyup."

"Why does this keep happening to us?" Fluttershy said, curling up into a ball.

Twilight sparkle sighed, and cocked her gun.

"What's the harm in letting him live, you said."

Wasteland Warriors

Rainbow Dash didn't wait two seconds before firing into the bandits. BigMac rushed one and bucked him into a wall. The bandit died, and released a shotgun. Big Mac grabbed the shotgun, cocked it, and shot the nearest bandit right in the face.

The other bandits, being the pussies they are, ran away. All except four.

Who immediately regretted not turning hoof once Twilight shot the first one in the knee, Big mach crushed the skull of the second one, and then shot the third one with his shotgun, and Rainbow Dash got rid of the last one with a whole clip of ammo.

Fluttershy ran up to the wounded bandit whom Twilight had shot.

"Goodness are you ok? I'm sorry my teammate did that, she really didn't mean any harm, she was just trying to defend us, and you did shoot first, we're really sorry-"

Rainbow Dash cuffed Fluttershy over the head softly with her gun.

"Don't give them the baby treatment! They were trying to kill us!"

"Oh, I know, but still-"

Rainbow Dash picked the bandit up and held him by the scruff of his shirt.

"Who sent you?"

"Gah! N-nine hooves! Please don't kill me!"

Rainbow Dash threw the bandit on the ground. the bandit attempted to scamper away, but she shot it in the other knee, making him immobile.

Turning around to proceed into Skag Gully to deal with the skags, they noticed the cloptrap lying on the ground. A bullet hole was noticeable near his eye lense, and he was shuddering and leaking oil.

"Sweet Molestia, I'm going to die! I'M GONNA DIE!"

"Good riddance, that thing never shut up anyway," Rainbow Dash said, turning her back to the dying machine.

"Oh no! Here, I'll help you!" Fluttershy flew over to the cloptrap as it complained and wheezed electronically.

Suddenly, Twilight's vision went all blurry again, and the mysterious visitor from before decided to grace her presence once again.

"That cloptrap is hurt! Now I know you aren't the biggest fan of cloptraps, but please, show some compassion and fix the little thing up."

"Wait!" said Twilight, "Are you Princess Celestia?"

But the visitor was gone.

Twilight looked around. Fluttershy was bent over the cloptrop, mopping up it's oil with a piece of cloth torn from a nearby bandit's shirt, while Rainbow Dash and Big Mac threw rocks at the injured bandit, who had given up on his escape attempt.

Twilight sighed, and trotted back into town. After grabbing some ammo and money that the dead bandits had dropped, she searched for a toolkit. Eventually, she spotted one laying on a table near an abandoned shack, and she grabbed it, running back to the cloptrap.

"Oh Molestia, I think I'm leaking! I think I'm LEAKING!"

Twilight rushed over, and used her horn to levitate the tools into place as she fixed the cloptrap up.

"I'm glad I went to engineering school when I was younger!"

After a few minutes, the cloptrap was up and babbling again.

"Thanks! I was sure I was a goner that time! Anyway, it's too dangerous for me to go out there. Those bandits sure have it out for us cloptraps!"

"Gee, I wonder why?" Rainbow Dash said sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

"Anyway, I'll be back in town, near the Doctor's place. See yah around!"

The cloptrap sped off to the destination he had set, and the rest of the group left the town, heading off towards the skag dens.

"We should really do something about nine hooves. He's tried to kill us twice so far, three times if you count when we stepped off the bus, and- AAAGGHHH!"

Rainbow Dash's rant was cut short by a small skag leaping out of a nearby hole and biting her side. Big Mac came to her rescue, and with a quick swipe of his shotgun, knocked it off her. He then dealt the final blow by shooting the foul creature right in its open mouth. Fluttershy winced as the deed was carried out.

"Thanks, Big Mac. That thing could have taken a real chunk out of me. Let's get theses skags dealt with, and be on our way."

So the four set out, killing skags. Well, really, it was only three of them, because Fluttershy couldn't bare to kill any of them, saying they were too "cute."

So she sat on the side, counting rocks.

"Are you sure we should do this? It seems risky!"

"Come on! It'll be worth it!"

The two bandits who had been hiding behind a rock that Fluttershy had been laying in front of jumped out, pulled a sack over Fluttershy's head, and injected her with a traqualizer. She tried to scream, but she felt the tendrils of darkness creep over her, pulling her down into oblivion.

"Alright, that's all of them, let's head back to Dr- Hey, where's Fluttershy?"

Everypony looked around, until Owlysus flew back to Twilight with a letter clutched in his talons. Twilight opened it and read it.

"To whomever it may concern,
HAHA! WE STOLE YOUR LITTLE SIREN MARE! BRING 2000000 BITS TO NINE HOOVES BEFORE TOMORROW MORNING OR ELSE SHE GETS IT!
-Hugs and Kisses, the Bandits"

Rainbow Dash's face contorted with anger.

"THOSE BASTARDS! WE'LL GO IN AND KILL ALL OF THE! WELL BASH THEIR SKULLS OPEN UNTIL THEY AREN'T EVEN PONIES ANYMORE! WE'LL-"

Twilight put her hoof on Rainbow Dash's shoulder.

"Calm down. Lets head back to Dr. Whooves. He can help us."

"Sorry. Can't help yah."

They were back at the garage, and needless to say, Dr. Whooves was resisting.

"But why not? she's going to die!"

"Look, I appreciate your help with the skags and all, but honestly, I can't fight worth a damn, and I have nowhere NEAR two million bits, so, you guys are shit outa luck."

Twilight held Rainbow Dash back from strangling Dr. Whooves.

"Tell yah what though. If you are going to go fighting them, you're gonna need shields. Unfortunately, my med vendor is broke, and it needs a little more, how to say, 'oomf'."

The three ponies looked back at the med vendor behind them. It had several dings, scratches, burn, and bullet holes in it. It need a lot more then 'a little more oomf."

"So I needs you guys to go just out of town, follow the road down to the left, and get a power coupling from one of the med vendors out there. Come back here, fix it up, buy a shield, then head over to T. Neigh Baha. He'll be able to help yah out. Oh yeah, it would also be appreciated if you took out a few of the bandits. It'll keep Nine Hooves from gathering too much information on the area."

That's how the group ended up going out of Fyrestone for the second time that day. Well, day is more of a relative term, because the sun was setting.

"Damn, we only have twelve hours AT BEST to rescue Fluttershy. Let's hurry."

The group ran down the path, immediately spotting the med vendor. Unfortunately, they weren't alone, and a bandit popped up from behind it, and shot big Mac right in the side.

It was a well placed shot, possible the best of the bandit's life, which was immediately ended by Rainbow Dash.

"Oh Celestia, you're bleeding everywhere!" Rainbow Dash said, hovering over Big Mac, trying to stauch the bleeding.

"Eeyup," Big Mac said weakly.

Twilight rushed over to the med vendor, grabbed the bits that the bandit had on his body, and reached into the med vendor, pulling out the power coupling. She proceeded to search the vendor for any type of medical equipment she could find.

"Come on, there must be at least-" she pulled out a small syringe of basic painkiller.

"Good enough for now!"

Twilight rushed over to Big Mac, and injected him with the painkiller.

"Alright, Rainbow, we're going to have to carry him back. I don't think he can walk."

"Fine. This is bad, I hope Dr. Whooves can help us!"

And so, the two mares carried Big Mac about three yards before more bandits showed up. They really had gotten better at shooting, shooting Twilight in her left arm, causing her to drop Big Mac, and shooting Rainbow Dash in her wings.

"AGH! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU ALL!"

Twilight felt her arm go numb, but she still could hoot with the one arm that still functioned. She aimed, and missed entirely.

She felt another bullet enter her chest, and she collapsed, everything going black.

When she awoke, she lay on a table covered in blood, but felt alright.

She looked to her side. Big Mac was talking to Dr. Whooves, and Rainbow Dash, both her wings bandaged up, pouted in a corner.

"Ah good, she's awake. You guys only have three hours left, so I think you should go and see T. Neigh now. Don't worry, I fixed yah up nice and proper. Even put on yer shield for yah! Now go out and save yer friend!"

Twilight stood up, and felt alright. Owlysus landed on her shoulder, and preened his wing.

The group set off again, off to where Dr. Whooves said T. Neigh resided.

As they walked past the skag dens, Twilight finally had the courage to ask what had been bugging her ever since she had regained consciousness.

"Did you kill all those bandits after I passed out?"

Rainbow Dash was silent for a few moments, then responded with a dead voice.

"There are some things the Crimson Mane taught me. Anger Management wasn't one of them. I did things there that I'm not proud of, and I did things here to save you and Big Mac. Just because I seem ready to kill at the drop of a hat doesn't mean I want to."

The group hadn't even realised where they were heading, until the sound if a shotgun cocking shook them out of their stupor.

"Take one more step and it'll be your last!"

Meet T. Neigh Baha

"Take on more step and it'll be your last!"

The group turned around to see a demented looking horse with one lower leg and blinders over his clawed eyes.

"HEH HEH HEH! You shoulda seen the looks on yer faces! Name's T. Neigh! T. Neigh Baha!"

"Sweet Celestia, you scared the hell out of us!" Rainbow Dash yelled, looking as though she wanted to shoot the blind old stallion right in the face.

"Ah ha ha... I know, pretty good joke, yeah?" The stallion looked pretty pleased with himself.

Rainbow Dash was clutching the trigger of her gun, but through some miracle didn't blast T. Neigh's face clean off.

"Well, Doctor Whooves told us to come over here... he said you could help us with Nine-hooves?" Twilight asked, giving the blind old stallion a hard look.

"Well, sure! I could definitely help you foalks, that is, if ya help me first!" The group looked at each other, skeptical.

"What kind of things? If you want to take Big Mac and molest him, you can have him!" Big Macintosh glared at Rainbow Dash. "Hey, I was kidding! Mostly."

T. Neigh chortled. "Oh no, nothin' like that! Those damned skags stole my food! Them varmints never leave me alone, I suspect Scar told 'em all to do, that devious bastard. Anywho, go and grab four of my food containers! Then I'll help y'all out!"

The group exchanged glances, shrugged, and heading off into the gully to find some of T. Neigh's food.

"Hey, Twilight," Rainbow Dash asked as they walked down into the gulch "Do you think spiders dream?"

"Oh look, we're here."

Indeed, they had reached a pile of refuse surrounded by skag holes. "Ok, I'm going to grab the food, you and Big Mac defend me, ok?" Rainbow Dash charged the pile, and sorted through it until coming up with a can of baked beans.

"Well, that was -AAGH!" A skag pup lept from the refuse pile and latched itself onto Rainbow Dash's head. "GET IT OFF!"

Big Macintosh punched the skag off of the soldier mare's head with ferocious might, and it went flying. Twilight quickly sniped out a whelp going in for the kill. Rainbow pumped three rounds into another pup that got too close.

"Alright, let's move on!"

The process more or less repeated itself for the next three cans, and the three ponies returned to T. Neigh.

"Well, I'll be! The skags didn't kill yah! Guess you know how to handle yerselves. Alright, I'll tell yah where Nine-hooves is. Head down into Skag Gully, take a left, and there oughta be little gulch with a grave in the water pooled there. That's mah wife's grave. Take the weapons there, I don't need 'em anymore. After that, there'll be a TNT detonation device up the hill right next to the gave. Blow that up, and you'll be on yer way to Nine-hooves's lair! Hope yah get yer friend back and all. Oh, and one last thing. Buy yerselves some grenades from Pinkie's vending machines. I'm so happy you got me my food I'd give you some, but I don't have any left after mah last fishing trip. Have fun, and don't get yerselves killed!"

***

Fluttershy lay tied up in the back room of Nine-hooves's little shack that he had at the end of the the tunnel which he called his hideout.

"So, Fluttershy, how do you like my place?" The insidious bandit sub-leader asked the bound pegasus.

"Well, it's quite lovely, but I wish you hadn't tied me up and brought me here against my free will. Would you please consider letting me go?"

Nine-Hooves fought his best against the cuteness, and in the end, he won.

"Sorry Flutters, but I'm gonna have to say no this time. Also, looks like you only have three hours left for your friend to come and rescue you! You better hope they come in time!"

Fluttershy swallowed hard. She hoped her friends showed up in time too.

***

The bordermares (and stallion) walked into the small garage that was Pinkie Pie's Guns and Ammo shop. An automated voice greeted them.

"Hi! Welcome to Pinkie Pie's Guns and Ammo shop Fyrestone branch! I'm out at the moment, but feel free to browse the goods! Just remember to pay, or else you might end up in a bit of a tight spot! Have fun, and remember: Life's a Party!"

Rainbow Dash ran over to the vending machine, and stared into their tiny glass windows. She looked like a little foal in a candy shop. All manners of guns and ammo, just waiting to be used...

Big Macintosh got straight to work, grabbing some shotgun shells, and three grenades. Twilight stocked up on sniper cartridges and also purchased her grenades. Rainbow Dash continued to stare into the wondrous depths of the ammo giving machine, before finally giving in and buying herself the needed supplies.

"Ok, let's go kick some flank!"

Nine-Hooves

Two bandits stood in the old cave tunnel.

"You ever wonder how we work these guns?"

"Huh?"

"I mean, we're not unicorns... and we don't have fingers. So obviously, that would make it impossible for us to shoot these guns."

"Yeah... you're right!"

"Well, screw this! I'm going to go and do something with my life! I'll-" The bandit's head exploded in a shower of blood and brain matter. The other bandit screamed a very manly scream, and soiled himself before multiple bullets ended his pathetic life.

Rainbow Dash, Big Macintosh, and Twilight Sparkle rushed down the tunnel. They had already fought their way through Skag Gully, and were now on their way to rescue Fluttershy. The bandits hadn't be here long, but had already constructed some makeshift bridges that spanned the large gaps formed by nature. Another bandit, this one who had somehow thought it was a good idea to light himself on fire, rushed the group.

As one might guess, it is very hard to navigate while one is on fire, and the unlucky bandit plunged off the side. The group proceeded across the "bridge" and into a small shack. Two very pissed-off looking bandits aimed their pistols at the three.

"Heh. You pussies are going to-" Rainbow Dash punched the closest bandit in the face. The bandit fell back, blinked, then started to cry.

The other bandit look at Rainbow Dash in disappointment. "Well, look. Now you've gone and made him cry. Good going."

Rainbow Dash gave the bandits looks of complete bewilderment. She turned to Twilight for support.

"To be fair, you did make him cry."

"Eeyup."

Rainbow Dash groaned, rolled her eyes, and shot both of the bandits.

"Come on. Fluttershy's in trouble! We have to hurry!"

As they approached the lift that would take them to Nine-Hooves hideout, a small, almost foal like bandit charged them, shotgun swinging wildly. Big Macintosh kicked it over the side, where it plunged to its death. The three wasteland marauders went up the lift, and reached the rust iron door that signified the entrance to Nine-Hooves inner sanctem.

"Ready?" Rainbow Dash asked Twilight and Big Mac. Both nodded assent.

***

Fluttershy was still tied up in Nine-Hooves's lair. The unsavory stallion looked at a toaster, chuckled and announced "Time's up, Flutters!" The cantankerous bandit grabbed the tied up Bordermare, and brought her close.

"It's been a while since I've had a real mare..."

Fliuttershy squeaked, and closed her eyes as she felt the stallion grab her flank. Then, something she least expected happened.

She fell through the ropes. Looking around, she saw that she was also out of the stallions grasp. Nine-hooves looked around in confusion. Looking down, she saw that she could see right through her hooves, and indeed, her whole body.

Fluttershy was normally calm and non-violent, but she normally dropped her principles on potential rapists. She charged Nine-Hooves, and gave him a bitch slap so hard he flew across the room.

Rainbow Dash opened the door, only to be immediately smashed by a flying stallion. The two lay in a heap on the ground, and Big Mac was just about to kill the bandit when a large skag jumped him. Twilight Sparkle shot the creature in the back, forcing it off Big Mac, only to have herself be attacked by another one of the crazy animals.

Rainbow Dash was dazed temporally, but when she noticed that the stallion was licking her face, she shoved him off of her, and got ready to load her gun into his plot, only to find out that her prized possession was broken.

"Hah! Not so tough without your little gun, are ya-" Rainbow Dash smacked the stallion in the face with the gun, and proceeded to beat the bandit leader viciously with it. Twilight kept galloping backwards, shooting at the skag which was trying to devour her whole. Big Macintosh looked around for Fluttershy.

Twilight Sparkle was just about to be eaten by both the skags, when suddenly, they became very calm. Instead of eating her, they licked her, getting her soaked in skag saliva.

Fluttershy slowly phased back into reality, blushing slightly. Big Macintosh and Twilight hugged her, while Rainbow Dash continued to beat the shit out of Nine-Hooves, until her gun was permanently smashed into the bandit's face. Then, she stomped on his head, killing him.

"I'm taking this." Rainbow Dash grabbed the pistol that Nine-Hooves had never gotten to use against the group. Shooting it a couple of times, she deduced that it was an incendiary weapon.

"Never really liked pistols, but I guess this will do for now."

"Fluttershy, how'd you escape?" Twilight asked the yellow mare.

"Oh, I don't know! One minute he was... trying to force himself on me..." The pegasus blushed "Then, I became invisible, and I punched him across the room!"

"Hmm..." Twilight pulled a book out from her saddlebag. "I think you may be an inheritor... I'm not sure though. I'll have to do some more research."

Rainbow Dash's saddlebag was nearly overflowing with ammo, guns, and cash she had taken from the stallion's hideout. "Well, let's get going! I'm tired of hanging out here, anyway."

"Wait," Fluttershy cried, and pointed to the skags, who looked at the group longingly.

"No, we're not taking skags with us."

"But..." Fluttershy's eyes became teary. "Clop and Trot don't want to be left here alone!"

"Clop and Trot. Great. You've given them names."

"Actually, no, those are the names that Nine-Hooves gave them."

Rainbow Dash facehoofed. "Whatever. You can take them. But we're ditching them in Fyrestone, okay?"

Fluttershy nodded eagerly, and the Bordermares left the cave.

As they passed through Skag Gully, a lone bandit stood upon the cliff side, observing them.

"So... they took down Nine-Hooves... Nice work, but Golden Heart will be much more of a challenge then that wimp."