You Know Exactly What This Is
"Hello, and welcome my fellow Equestrians, to the only Ponyville Mayoral debate."
At the sound of Princess Twilight's opening line, the darkened room erupted into applause. It was finally that time of year in Ponyville. Election time. Normally Ponyville mayoral elections would go by very silently. However, this year was different. This year, a new candidate stepped into the spotlight. The entrepreneur Filthy Rich announced his candidacy for Mayor, much to the surprise of the entire town.
Because, I mean, Mayor Mare has a cutie mark for being a mayor. Therefore, she was literally born to do the job. However, that hasn't stopped Filthy Rich from pointing his hoof at the Mayoral job, and announcing he could do it better. Everypony in the room remembered his signature phrase:
"I could do that job way better. You know it. I know it. Everypony knows it," he said outside his extravagant home on the outskirts of Ponyville.
So, for the first time in years, the entire town of Ponyville was brought together into a single room to discuss topics of interest in a town-hall style debate, monitored by Princess Twilight Sparkle.
"The format of the discussion this evening will be a town hall debate. This means that ponies from the audience have been chosen based on their questions, to present their inquiry to the candidates for discussion. In the interest of time, please hold all reactions and applause until the end of the debate. Now then, without further ado, Mayor Mare and the candidate, Mr. Rich."
To a round of applause, the two candidates stepped from behind a curtain, each waving to the members of the tiny town. The two candidates nodded to each other curtly, before reclining in one of two opposite chairs on the stage. Once the applause died down, Twilight cleared her voice and lifted a set of flash cards into the air with her magic.
"Mister Rich and Mayor Mare, thank you for joining us this evening."
"It's a pleasure to be here, Twilight," said the Mayor. "I've been the Mayor of Ponyville for a very, very long time now, and I have to say that I believe we're heading in a very good direction. We've fended off numerous assaults thanks to the help of the Elements of Harmony. Our trade has only increased as we've promoted Ponyville names like Rarity's Boutique or Sweet Apple Acres. I have high hopes for the future as we continue to try to put Ponyville on the map as not just some backwater town, but as a community that's just as essential to Equestria as Canterlot or Manehattan!"
The crowd began to applaud as Twilight raised a hoof.
"Please, once again, in the interest of time, please hold all applause until the end. Mister Rich, do you have an opening statement," Twilight asks.
"I do. Because I can't stand listening to her lies anymore. It's criminal. She's told you, all of us, so many nasty lies. It's such a problem. Ponyville has a serious problem. Ponies call me all the time, and they say to me, Mister Rich, we have a problem. And I always tell them that I know we have a problem. It's a tremendous problem that's facing all of us. It's horrible. Ponyville has basically fallen, and if we haven't fallen, we're going to be fallen. We will have fallen and will have been fallen at some time. It's a serious problem."
Twilight stared at Mister Rich blankly as the crowd remained silent.
"I, uh. Alright," Twilight said sheepishly, filtering through her flash cards. "I suppose that means we'll go to our first question. The first question goes to a Miss Lyra Heartstrings."
A mint green pony rose to her hooves and trotted forward to a microphone. She cleared her throat and looked down to a piece of paper in front of her. Slowly, and clearly, she read her message.
"One of the problems facing Ponyvillians today is an urgent need for healthcare. Ponyville hospital seems to be almost overrun at times due to the random attacks that have occurred in the past on Equestria. In addition, acquiring medicine to treat physical injuries, mental disabilities, or cancer treatments is at an all time high. As Mayor, what will you do to try and curb these problems?"
Twilight chimed in after Lyra stepped away from the microphone.
"Mister Rich, you have the floor."
"The hospital in Ponyville is a disgrace. It's pathetic. Everytime you go there, it seems like people are always hurt, or dying, or worse. It's disgraceful. I remember a day when we would go to the hospital just because we felt icky. Why can't you tell me this? Answer this question. Why can't we just go to the hospital to see healthy people? You can't. And you know why. It's a serious problem. You know it is. That's why, as mayor, I'm going to make sick and dying ponies illegal and ship them outside of Ponyville. I mean, how did we even let these ponies in our town in the first place? It's disgraceful."
The room went silent as Twilight looked down at her cards again. Somepony in the back coughs.
"Uh, thank you. For that. Mayor Mare?" Twilight asked.
The mayor looked to her opponent, then back down to her notes.
"Well, I was thinking. Maybe... uh. Two hospitals? Instead of one. I mean," Mayor Mare looks back to Mister Rich, who leered at her angrily. "Yeah. Two hospitals."
"Why didn't you just make a second hospital sooner?" Rich interjected.
"Filthy Rich, it's not your turn-"
"No! This needs to be said," Mister Rich interrupted. "She's been a mayor for so long. In fact, almost most of her adult life, and just NOW is she even thinking about getting a new hospital. It's pathetic. What kinda leader is that? I could have told you that we needed two hospitals for years. I've been saying that this entire debate. Two hospitals. It's common sense. Now she's just taking my ideas."
The stallion went silent and shook his head. Twilight looked back to Mayor Mare.
"Uh, do you have anything to respond?" Twilight asked Mayor Mare.
Mayor shrugged her shoulders.
"Well, I mean. No, you didn't. But, I'm not going to fling mud at my opponent. I'm going the high road on this."
"I bet you love getting high," Filthy added.
"Filthy Rich," Twilight said firmly, as the crowd began to "Oooh!" and cheer in the background. "You will wait your turn to speak. I will not warn you again. We're moving onto the next question. This one comes from a Miss Roseluck."
A tan pony with a radiant scarlet mane then stepped forward to the microphone to read from her paper.
"I run a small business and I find it becomes continually harder and harder to stay competitive with larger, richer chains. As mayor, what can you do to help small businesses thrive in the same way that Rarity's Botique or Sweet Apple Acres has for Ponyville."
"I'd love to answer this one, if you don't mind," Mayor Mare chimed in. "Garnering money to run a small town is difficult. Very difficult. And we in the city hall hate imposing any sort of pressure onto our small business owners. It's small business that helps garner us an identity as a town, and soon as a city. That said, it's always hard to balance a budget. We have infrastructure to take care of in Ponyville. Gardens, roads, lights, and even our landmarks-"
"Which look terrible." Filthy Rich added.
Mayor Mare blinked, and then continued.
"I can understand the struggle that a small business owner can face. That's why, getting to the point, I want to provide tax relief to small businesses, and press down on larger businesses to charge an additional tax on its customers. Thus providing more revenue for the town and encouraging shopping at small business."
"And killing tons of other industry at the same time. You'll be sending jobs to the Dogs, you realize that? We've seen so many of our jobs, our livelihoods go to the Diamond dogs. Your plan won't work. It's dead on arrival."
"Mayor Mare, do you have anything else?" Twilight said, cutting off Filthy.
"No, Princess, I do not."
"Then, Filthy, please."
"As a business man, I just have two words to say to small businesses. Two great, powerful words. Words that inspired me to build my own business when I was given a rather small inheritance of a million bits from my father. 'Get good.' Inspirational. I know."
The room went silent as all eyes were on Rich.
"Right, Right. Hold your applause. I know I've left you all speechless."
"But, Mr. Rich," Twilight began. "Aren't you the large businesses that are dominating Ponyville?"
"I'm a great business man."
"And, you haven't once came forward to talk about what you've done to help our community," Twilight adds. "Mayor Mare has done countless volunteer events and pledged money and support for numerous causes."
"I have better things to do, like run a town or make money for said town, than helping ponies."
Twilight sighed and shook her head as she flipped to a new flash card.
"I think we're just about done here. I don't think I can take this anymore. Our final question comes from Rainbow Dash."
The blue pegasus trots forward to the microphone confidently and removes it from the holster.
"Pegusai are a very under represented race of Ponies in Ponyville. As a result-"
"The pegasus ponies are sick and disgusting. Immoral. I think they always have their heads in the clouds. It's like a disease folks. What are Earth ponies supposed to do?"
Twilight rose to her hooves, lighting her horn.
"Mr. Rich, you will let her finish the question."
"If I were elected mayor," Rich continued over Twilight. "I would build a great wall between the ground and the sky. It would be, like an arch. Made of gold. Heck, I say we will make TWO great golden arches in order to keep the pegusai out of our town. It will be a great wall to keep-"
"I think that's enough," Twilight said, and then a blast of purple light made Mr. Rich's mouth disappear. "Mayor Mare. Your response?"
The mayor looked to Twilight, then back to Mr. Rich.
"Not that."
"Then, I think it's time to go to closing arguments. Mr. Rich, you may go first."
The mouth magically returned to Mr. Rich.
"Folks, clearly you can see its two-on-one here. This election is rigged. Would you elect somepony into office who keeps two different hair colors? One in public and one in private? That's right folks. Her hair is PINK in private! How can you vote for somepony like that? A pony with such a basic lack of-"
Suddenly, in a white blur, the ceiling collapsed, and the Princess of the Sun burst into the room.
"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE," screams Celestia.
In a bright flash of light, a beam of golden energy struck Mr. Rich and he vanished.
"HE'S ON THE MOON. IT'S DONE. I DON'T CARE. I'M GOING TO TARTARUS FOR THIS BUT IT WAS WORTH IT."
The room went silent. As Celestia panted in anger, Twilight tossed her flashcards in the air and moved to Rainbow Dash, taking the microphone from her.
"Mayor Mare is still the mayor, everypony go home."
With a slight murmur, the crowd began to funnel out of the room and Twilight tossed the microphone on the ground. Mayor Mare stared into space.
"Wait, what just happened?" she asked.
Celestia turned to Mayor Mare and sighed. "You're still mayor. Do mayor things. And if you ever say the phrase 'build an arch', I will personally 'moon' you as well."
The Princess spread her wings and shot back into the air, creating a second large hole in the ceiling beside the first one.
Twilight walked up to Mayor Mare, took a golden star sticker, and then slapped it on Mayor's forehead.
"Congradulations, you're mayor. Again," the princess said.
"Does this mean I get to change the town for the better and make a difference?" Mayor said.
"No."
"Oh, okay."
And so, nothing of value was either lost or gained.
Author's Note
Go vote. And stuff.
