P-Quest: A Weird Adventure Around Equestria

by Ultraviolet

Rating: mature
Tags: Adventure, Random, Alternate Universe
Length: 2645

Pinkie finds a letter from her future self asking her to recover all the Silly Coins spread around Equestria. Weirdness ensues.

ACTION! BLOOD! ADVENTURE!

Everything everypony wants, packaged into the most absurd and bizarre story ever written: P-QUEST!

Join Pinkie Pie and her (unusual) friends as they travel all around Equestria, fighting their way through the world in search of Future Pinkie's Silly Coins!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-11-12 12:36:59 UTC

The Madness Begins

The universe sneezed, and from its sneeze, a comet was shot.

The light comet darted all over the sky, leaving a trail of white energy in the celestial abode. Then, it started to fall into the planet's gravitational well, and then the projectile caught fire, the white comet turning hot red as it crashed into the ground, right in front of Sugarcube Corner.

Inside the dark building, a pony who was sleeping on the floor suddenly jumped out of her dreams. The pink party pony, Pinkie Pie, was awakened by the tremor of a comet crashing in front of the building. Pinkie rubbed her eyes and yawned, stretching her four legs.

As she slowly woke up, the memories of her dreams were flooding back. "Thaaaaat was a funny dream! I just dreamed that a weird bald monkey was writing a weird story in a weird machine and sharing it with other weird monkeys around the world," she said, then started to laugh. But as Pinkie talked with nopony in particular, since she was alone in the dead of the night, she heard the faint noise of a coin dropping to the ground.

Pinkie's laugh died and she swallowed dry. What was that noise? It seemed to came from the outside.

Carefully, the pink mare reached a hoof behind the counter, an from there she activated the ancient alchemical diagram that has been placed inside. The diagram shone with a pink light, and the counter started to transmute itself by the will of Pinkie Pie. The metal piece of furniture bent and cracked, reshaping itself into something new, something that Pinkie could use to protect herself in case of iminent danger.

The counter became a chainsaw.

Satisfied with her display of alchemy, Pinkie attached the chainsaw to her foreleg and trotted outside Sugarcube Corner. Standing there on the ground, bathed in the moonlight, was a crater still glowing hot. And in the middle of the crater, she found three things: A coin, a card, and a letter. Pinkie approached the crater.

"Weird… That wasn't there last time I looked!" she said, then she seemed to realize something and started to bounce in place. "Oooh! I know! Maybe Hearth's Warming Eve came earlier and somepony decided to give me a present?"

Pinkie threw herself over her knees, stretched her forelegs to the sky and screamed at the top of her lungs. "THANK YOU MYSTERIOUS PONY!!!"

But instead of a reply, Pinkie was hit in the head by a brick. The brick shattered against her skull, spilling blood all over the place and sending the party pony sprawling to the ground. Confused, stunned and bleeding, Pinkie wiped the blood flowing from her forehead and looked at the direction from where the attack came.

She saw Mrs. Cake on a window at the second floor of Sugarcube Corner. "Stop Shouting Pinkie, my babies are trying to sleep! Or else, next time I will throw a gallon of gasoline and set you on fire!

Pinkie giggled with embarrassment. "Sorry, Mrs. Cake! I will keep the volume low!" she said, giving the blue mare a sharp salute. Mrs. Cake nodded and walked inside the building again, leaving Pinkie with the items she had found inside the crater.

First, she examined the coin. It looked like a regular golden coin, but it was engraved with a silly caricature of Princess Cadance, wearing her crown upside down and sucking a lollipop. Pinkie laughed at the coin as she reached the next item: The card.

It was a playing card made of hard paper. On one side, it was black and had the icon of a dark gray dagger. On the other side, there was a photo of Pinkie, followed by some numbers and labels (HP, MP, ATK, DEF, SPD and MAG), and a short description, saying 'This mare is the fun personified.'

Pinkie giggled at the strange card. Whoever made it, must know her well enough to quantify her abilites into six numbers! And finally, Pinkie opened the letter and read what was written inside.

Dear Pinkie Pie,

I accidentaly detonated a bomb which destroyed my piggy bank, where I kept my collection of Silly Coins – exactly,the coins with a silly version of Cadance engraved on it! Aren't they silly? They must be spread all around Equestria now. Can you find them for me?

With love,

Your Future Self, Pinkie Pie

Pinkie gasped the gasp to end all gasps. She dramatically turned the letter, then turned it again, then turned it again. Was that real? Did she really just found a note from her future self, addressed for her, to find some Silly Coins?

"Yeppers! It looks so, narrator!" said Pinkie with a nod, instantly shattering the fourth wall into pieces. Her face turned into an expression of determination, as she picked the coin, the card, and the letter and added it to her inventory – which happens to be the space to store things inside her mane.

"Well, it seems that a new adventure starts," she said, with a serious light in her eyes. "My future self needs me, those Silly Coins will not find themselves alone! Only me, Pinkamena Diane Pie, can find all of them! I gotta catch'em all!"

Pinkie stood on her four legs, with a cool night breeze blowing her mane and tail, a chainsaw attached to her foreleg, and her coat covered in her own blood. "I will search all over Equestria for the Silly Coins, then find my future self, return the coins to her and give her…" she changed her serious behaviour to her normal cheerful one, "…THE BEST FUTURE SELF PARTY EVEEEEER!"

Pinkie summoned her party cannon out of nowhere and shot a stream of confetti into the crater. She started to walk towards the center of the town, when suddenly…

SPLASH!

Pinkie's wounds left from the brick impact started to burn, and her poofy mane became straight as she was drown in a transparent and viscous liquid. Confused, Pinkie sniffled the strange fluid.

"Gasoline?" she muttered to herself, and her heart accelerated as she realized what was going on. Pinkie quickly looked upwards, just in time to see Mrs. Cake lighting a match. "WAIT! I was just joking Mrs. Cake! N-No need to set me on fire!"

"Too late for apologies, Pinkie," said the baker mare, as the sound of babies crying coming from inside the Sugarcube Corner. "You awoke my children and ruined my night, now you will pay for it!"

In the face of iminent life-or-death situation, most ponies would run and hide, fearing for their lives, but Pinkie Pie was not a normal pony. What was Cup Cake trying to do? First she throw a brick, now she try to actually murder Pinkie for real? Nope, Pinkie was not going to let that happen.

She looked to the chainsaw attached to her leg. She could try and slice Mrs. Cake in half, but she could never hurt somepony like her. Plus, her foals needed her. Maybe Cup Cake was simply having a bad night. No, Pinkie would not take her life. She lifted her head and smiled at the blue mare on the balcony.

"Well, I'm sure you want to see me burn to ashes Mrs. Cake, but I have very very important things to do!" she said, and bounced happily in place. "But if you burn me alive, they will call the guards and then you'll be arrested and sent to the prision, then you husband Mr. Carrot Cake will get angry and depressed and be drived into suicide, then your children will be sent to an orphanage and grow up to be criminals just like their mom! You certainly don't want that, do you? Do you? DO YOU?!"

Pinkie finished her words, keeping her cheerful behavior while she was talking. And from the shock in Cup Cake's eyes, Pinkie noticed that she managed to snap the baker mare out of her homicidal instincts before she did something she would regret.

"N-No, Pinkie, you're r-right…" said Mrs. Cake, throwing the matchbox over her shoulder and trembling in fear and shame for her own actions. "I-I think my children needs me… Have a g-good night!"

Pinkie waved a hoof. "For you too!"

And as the blue mare retired inside the building, the now straight-maned, gasoline-and-blood-covered, chainsaw-equiped Pinkie Pie, turned towards the center of Ponyville, ready to find all the Silly Coins for her future self.

And with a smile so dangerous that could break Tirek's spine just from looking at it, she said six words that would change the fate of Equestria forever:

"Let the hunt begin!"

Lyra Joined the Party

Rip.

Lyra Heartstrings opened her eyes. In the darkness of her bedroom, cuddling with a sleepy Bon Bon in her bed, she tought she heard a noise coming from somewhere nearby. Looking around, the mint-green unicorn scouted the darkness for any sign of trouble, but it remained exactly how she left before going to sleep. Dismissing the noise as a figment of her imagination, Lyra hugged Bon Bon tighter and tried to go back to sleep.

RIP.

Lyra sat in her bed immediately. Now she was certain there was something wrong. Her horn flared with a golden aura, and a light was created to lit the room. "Is somepony there?" she asked, looking all around, but nobody came. Lyra didn't go back to sleep now, she was too suspicious of the strange noise.

RIIIIIIIIIP!

"Bon Bon! Wake up!" she said, with a drop of sweat running down her forehead. Lyra shaked her sleeping marefriend, but Bon Bon simply rolled over to her side. Seeing how adorable she looked in her sleep, Lyra could only smile. How could she wake up such cute fil—

RIIIIIIIP- VRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Lyra jumped from her bed at the loud sound of a motor being turned on. "AH! BON BON WAKE UP NOW!" she shouted, shaking Bon Bon's sleeping body frantically. Since the earth pony didn't react, Lyra started to slap her marefriend's face continuously. "WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!"

Pieces of wood and concrete started to fall from the ceiling. Lyra turned her head upwards to see something making a hole in the ceiling, something loud and motorized. Turning to Bon Bon, who was still sleeping like a stone, Lyra cast a protection spell, creating a golden and translucid sphere around her and her companion.

A hole cracked on the ceiling, the concrete and wood falling into a pile on the floor. Lyra looked to the hole to see the pink face of a mare sticking her head through the orifice she just made on the ceiling with her chainsaw.

"HI GUUUURLS!" said Pinkie Pie with a disturbing fake voice before starting to crawl on the walls. She had a chainsaw attached to her foreleg, her mane completely straight, smelling like gasoline and covered in some dark red liquid that looked suspiciously like blood.

Lyra sighed and cancelled her protection spell. "Oh, it's just you Pinkie Pie. Why are you demolishing my house with a chainsaw in the middle of the night?"

Pinkie jumped from the wall and landed in front of the bed. "I'm on a very very important quest to find the Silly Coins that my future self lost! My Pinkie Sense told me that there was a Silly Coin here, so I came for a visit! A surprise visit!" said the party pony, and then she summoned her party cannon and shot a stream of confetti at Lyra. "SURPRISE!"

Lyra spat out the confetti and stared at the invader. "That's WAS a surprise Pinkie."

"I know, right!?" she said, putting her cannon away. "So, where are you hiding the Silly Coin? Do you wanna play hide and seek? Oooh! Better idea! Do you wanna help me find the coins around the world? It will be so much fun! Like a multiplayer easter egg hunting!"

Lyra rolled her eyes. "Of course Pinkie, I'd love to help you! It's not like a have something better to do at three o'clock, like, let's say, sleeping."

"Great! So let the hunt begin!" said Pinkie, oblivious to Lyra's sarcasm and dragging her downstairs.

The two ponies start to look around the house in search for the Silly Coins. Pinkie with her never-ending energic behaviour, was much ahead of Lyra, looking at, in, on, over, under and into every piece of furniture in the unicorn's house (but she was still gentle enough to not make a mess of the place).

Meanwhile, Lyra was looking in the kitchen. She had looked under the table, under the sink, over the fridge, and for some reason, even INTO the fridge.

"Urgh, this is ridiculous,"  she muttered to herself, as she walked to the sink to get glass of water. "I should simply tell Pinkie to go away and look for her coins in other place, or at least come back after Celestia raises the sun."

She turned the sink on, but no water flowed out of it. The pipe made a noise like it was clogged with something. "What is that? Come on, I'm dehydratating here!" Lyra cried out in frustration, and punched the pipe with her foreleg. To her surprise, the pipe spat out a golden coin into the glass, a coin engraved with an image of Princess Cadance wearing her crown upside-down and licking a lollipop.

"Uh, Pinkie, is this what you where looking for?" said Lyra, holding the coin in her telekinesis and trotting to the other room.

Pinkie jumped from behind of a couch and looked at the tiny coin. "Yes! You found it! Thank you Lyra!" she said, grabbing the coin in her mouth and putting it on her saddlebags.

Lyra smiled. "Hey, this is actually rather funny!" she said, considering her options. She wouldn't be able to sleep after all that, and since she was apparently stuck with Pinkie, she might as well enjoy the whole experience. "Mind if I come with you in search for this Silly Coins?"

"Of course not! Welcome to my party, Lyra," said the pink mare, shaking Lyra's hoof. "But wait, you will need a weapon of choice!"

"What? Why?"

"To protect yourself from eventual monsters, silly!" said Pinkie, turning her chainsaw on. "That's why I'm carrying this baby! Or did you though that I was going to cut some trees or something? You know, I was a rock farmer, not a lumberjack. There's not many trees to cut where I used to liv—"

Lyra suddenly cast a spell and a lyre appeared floating in her telekinesis. "Hey Pinkie, look, I've chosen a weapon! You can stop your pointless blabbering now."

"Cool! Not let's go find the other Silly Coins before this story gets even weirder!" she said, bouncing her way to the door and shattering the fourth wall in the process. But before opening the door, Pinkie stopped. She started to float in the air and having violent convulsions.

Lyra gasped and rushed to her friend. "Pinkie! What's happening?! Are you having a heart attack?! Hold on, I think I have a defibrilator somewhere!" she said, promptly looking around the main room and finding a defibrilator in a box over a bookshelf.

"WAIT!" Pinkie managed to shout before Lyra could electrocute her to death. "This is just my Pinkie Sense! It's telling me to… TAKE COVER!"

Before Lyra could react, Pinkie threw herself behind the couch, just in time for a something crash into the door, breaking it in half and colliding with Lyra. From the unicorn's perspective, she saw the door exploding, a blur of gray and yellow flying in her direction, a scream, a pain in her forehead followed by her vision turning blood-red and then both her vision and conscience faded to black.