7:41 AM: Canterlot District
Our first assignment comes in only a few minutes after my partner and I are done eating waffles at the local Waffle Hut. Let it be known that I’m never really myself without at least five to seven gallons of maple syrup inside me.
My partner’s one Detective Shy. A petite pegasus with an enormous love for all things cuddly and cute. She’s also an extremely dangerous pyrokinetic, meaning she can set things on fire with her mind. One heated “stare” from her and—
“You know I can’t really do that,” Fluttershy tells me from the passenger seat.
I turn to her. “How could you possibly know what I was thinking? Were you reading my mind again, detective? With your telekinesis?”
“You were talking out loud,” she answers, fiddling with the small cop hat atop her head. “And you really shouldn’t say I have special gifts like that. Ponies might actually start believing I really have them.”
I pull the car around the front of the castle and exit.
Okay. Sure, to most ponies our quote/unquote “car” might look a whole lot like Applejack’s older brother Big Mac with an extra large saddle on his back, but I’ll always consider him our very own “Eeyup Mobile”. With a stylish ruby red finish. One horse power. Built like a tank, but can stop on a dime.
Getting him to properly act like a car has been difficult, though.
What with all the “vroom, vroom” and “beep, beep” noises required.
Detective Shy looks up at me. “What was the complaint about again?”
“Noise violation,” I growl. “Someone around this place was getting a bit too loud for their own good. But not on my watch! Things are gonna get a whole lot quieter now that I’m around!”
Princess Celestia stands atop one of her castle balconies, a cup of coffee in her aura and a book in hoof. She sighs as she spies us. “What are you doing here, Discord?”
This seems the perfect time to try my new catchphrase out.
“I AM… THE LAW!”
I can tell Celestia’s totally terrified. Her eyes roll up to the back of her head in fright alone. Or was she just rolling her eyes at me?
She sets her book down on the balcony. “First off: that doesn’t answer my question. It actually answers no questions. Secondly: in no regards are you the law.” Her nose wrinkles in disgust. “Thirdly: is that the same cop uniform you wore when you sided with Tirek?”
I casually glance down at my uniform. There’s dirt and coffee stains. Bits of left over candy. A strong wave of body odor I’m one hundred percent sure must be oozing off Detective Shy and not me. And, of course, my trademark policeman’s badge that is totally made of metal and not plastic, thank you very much.
I look back at Celestia. “Perhaps.”
“It’s been two years, Discord. Have you washed that thing once?”
I grit my teeth. “I’ll take this uniform off only when all criminal scum is behind bars! Then they can wash it for me! For free!”
Celestia shakes her head. “I really don’t have time for this. Have fun, you two.” Then she turns and heads back inside the castle.
“Now what are we supposed to do?” Detective Shy asks.
“Now we find whoever’s responsible for the noise complaint and make them pay.”
There’s a row of four Canterlot guards standing in front of the castle doors. Rolling up my sleeves, I storm across the lawn toward them. I point a claw at the third one in the row.
“You’re in a lot of trouble, boy!”
He doesn’t respond. Doesn’t even look in my direction. He must know I got him hook, line, and sinker. The poor bastard.
I point at the first one to try and confuse the third one. “Or perhaps it was you! You look like a loudmouth! With a mouth that big and loud you’re probably very annoying to watch funny movies with! Well, what do you have to say for yourself? Hmm, criminal scum?”
I press my ear up to his muzzle.
“Go on! Speak up! Let’s here that confession!”
He’s so quiet, I can’t even hear him breath. You’d think his mother gave birth to him in a library or something.
I back away. “No rats in this group, huh? Maybe it’s time for more dangerous methods, then!”
I snap my fingers and Detective Shy teleports to my side. She fixes her hat again.
“Guards,” I begin cautiously, “this is my partner—Detective Shy. And she has a very rare ability known as ‘Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire.’ So if you should dare lie to her, your pants will be set on fire. All with the power of her mind!”
Detective Shy tugs at my shirt. “Discord… we just talked about this, remember? I don’t have any special abilities. I really don’t want to set ponies on fire with my mind.” She turns to the row of guards. “And none of these guards are even wearing pants to set on fire.”
“Quite right, Detective Shy,” I mutter to myself. “Nice detective work there. Where are their pants? Where did they go? Were they stolen from them when they weren’t looking? Is there some stolen pants black market we don’t know about? But I’m afraid that’s a mystery for another day. Right now we have a criminal to catch! And I know just—”
Achoo!
The guard on the far right sneezes. The other three turn to him wide-eyed.
Looks like the canary has finally sung for us.
8:13 AM: Ponyville District
Detective Shy and I stop for more waffles at the Waffle Hut. Our suspect in custody is vehemently denied any waffles.
Although he is allowed to watch us enjoying them.
8: 41 AM: Police Headquarters
After kicking the Cutie Mark Crusaders out of their clubhouse, the Police Headquarters is promptly returned to us. Yeah, sure, I technically could’ve snapped a fully functioning Headquarters out of thin air for us to use, but… you know what? I like disappointed children. Call it a side-hobby of mine. A reverse Santa Hooves, if you please.
When our suspect doesn’t spill the beans right away, I pull Detective Shy aside to formulate a plan. She doesn’t seem too thrilled about it, though.
“Why do I have to the bad cop? Why can’t I be the good cop?” she asks nervously.
I lay a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Because it makes less sense this way.”
We reenter the interrogation room (or the clubhouse’s only room if you want to be a jerk about it) and I get to work buttering up our criminal like the piece of toast I'd planned on eating later that day.
“Ice cream sundae?” I ask the guard, leaning across the table we have him hoofcuffed to.
The guard hasn’t said all that much since his arrest. Only “this is kidnapping” and “this is against the law.” Thankfully, I am above the law. A simple fact I remind him of constantly.
I snap a triple-decker sundae into my palm—complete with whipped cream and nuts.
When he reaches for it, I gobble up more than half of it. I know I always feel better watching others eat delicious ice cream right in front of me.
“So… umm…” Detective Shy begins timidly. “We heard you were making a lot of noise this morning… umm… that wasn’t very nice of you…”
I whisper into Detective Shy’s ear.
She adds in a whisper, “Don’t make me break your kneecaps now.”
“Jeeze Louise! I sneezed!” the guard chirps. “Once! Just once! I have a cold, all right? I was filling in for a guard who didn’t show up for his shift. That’s it! That’s all there is to it!”
He puts his head down on the table. And I think I know why.
I say grimly, “A guard didn’t arrive to work today, eh? Could that be because… you murdered him!?”
Dun. DUN. DUN!
That’s the music that plays in my head. Seemed fitting.
The guard looks up at me. “What? He’s probably just sick like am I. What are you? Completely out of your mind?”
“Obviously. I was the one that placed that noise complaint.”
Detective Shy gasps. “Discord! How could you?”
I only shrug. Any excuse to visit/annoy/bedazzle Celestia is good enough for me.
That’s when all my limbs tremble outside of my control. I’d sensed something.
It was THE LAW. And it was being broken. Broken BAD. Like in five or more pieces that would definitely need more than simple glue or tape to be put back together again.
“Detective Shy,” I say. “Fire up the Eeyup Mobile.”
She glances out the window. “Big Mac’s sleeping on the lawn right now.”
I put my cop shades on. “Too bad justice never sleeps.”
9:33 AM: Carousel Boutique
We leave the noisy Canterlot guard in the care of the Cutie Mark Crusaders; I give them a saw to cut him loose because for the life of me I can’t remember where I'd left the keys to the hoofcuffs. On the way to the scene of the crime, my partner and I once again stop for waffles at the Waffle Hut.
Our waitress from before tells me I’m going to overdose on waffles and syrup soon.
I laugh. She doesn’t.
She also doesn’t receive a tip this time around.
“Hello, darling!” Rarity greets Fluttershy with a smile as we enter her boutique. Once she catches sight of me, though, that smile drops. “Oh… and Discord, too. Playing cops and robbers today, I see.”
“Sort of,” Detective Shy tells her friend. “Truth be told, we spend most of our time at the Waffle Hut.” She chuckles. “We've been there so often I've even memorized how to solve that maze on the back of the children’s menu. All you have to do is go straight, left, left, right, straight, dodge the octopus drawing, left, right…”
I can sense a long, boring conversation about nothing on the horizon. I’ll have to act fast.
I go to Rarity. “Got word there was a robbery here.”
“A robbery? Here?” Rarity scrunches up her face. “Oh, that. That was just a simple accident. One of my older customers was trying on hats when they must’ve forgotten they were even wearing one and left with it still on their head. I’m sure they’ll realize what’s happened the second they get home.”
I nod. “In that case we’re going to have to seal off the area.”
I snap my fingers and yellow police tape wraps around the entire building six-times over. The few ponies trying on “fashion” in the changing rooms are instantly thrown outside.
Rarity stomps on one of my hooves. “Discord! Those were my customers! Now they’re outside in the mud! And still wearing my clothes!”
I hold a hand out to silence her. “Let Fluttershy do her thing and we’ll be out of here before you can say ‘plaid is rad.’ Detective Shy? Care to search this place for clues?”
Detective Shy merely stares at her hooves. “Umm… but isn’t this case already solved?”
“Highly unlikely,” I reply. “It’s all too simple for my liking. Far too simple. A missing hat? I think this was a cover up for something. A distraction for something much bigger. Possibly an assassination attempt. One hopefully involving Spike.”
Detective Shy gulps. “I really don’t know what you want me to do here, Discord.”
“Use your powers of observation, of course! Go inside your mind palace.”
“My what?”
“Use your photographic memory and enhance the images. Easy.”
“You’re making even less sense than usual, Discord.”
I hesitate. “Communicate with the recently deceased?”
She doesn’t reply.
“Token object reading?”
Nadda from Detective Shy.
“Element bending?”
Zip.
“Clairvoyance?”
Zilch.
“Super organized note taking?”
Detective Shy huffs out her nose. “For the last time, Discord, I don’t have any special detective powers!”
When Detective Shy yells out that last part, a bit of fabric drops from one of the racks close to her. I grab it to investigate. “This must’ve been what the hat thief left behind! Like some sick calling card. He wants us to find him!” I turn to Detective Shy. “And here you thought you had no special abilities, detective. You just need to yell more!”
“What do you think, Rarity?” Detective Shy asks.
Rarity’s eyes dart between my partner and I. “If I say that’s a clue, you’ll go away?”
I nod.
“That’s definitely a clue.”
10:45 AM: Outskirts of Appleloosa
On the way to our next destination, I discover my lucky pencil has gone missing and decide that it must’ve been stolen from me during my last trip to Appleloosa.
Don’t fret. I’m not one to overreact. That's really not my style.
Instead, I simply seal the entirety of Appleloosa inside a giant, impenetrable snow globe that I fill with blizzard after blizzard until someone eventually coughs up my pencil.
Several hours later, my pencil is finally found and secured.
It was behind my ear the whole time.
2:20 PM: Ponyville Marketplace
Not to sound like some kind of big shot, but my partner and I got into a little bit of a high speed chase this afternoon. Don’t want to go into too much detail about it (because I know how boring hearing about high speed chases tends to be), so here’s just some of the numbers:
31 fruit stands destroyed.
13, 435 bits worth of property damage.
41 “Nopes” from the Eeyup Mobile during the exciting chase.
Civilians injured: none.
Dreams crushed: several. We plowed right through a build-your-own sandcastle store.
But in the end, we finally caught our suspect.
One very pretty looking butterfly that really didn’t want to go in my net.
Detective Shy will be taking care of the tiny troublemaker from here on out.
3:24 PM: Princess Twilight Sparkle’s Eyesore Castle
After the Eeyup Mobile is reluctantly refueled with apples, carrots, hay and numerous energy drinks, we stop off at our personal research facility. There’s a purple alicorn there that’ll do all sorts of “Science Stuff” for you as long as you’re willing to pay her enough. After I throw two new books at her head, she gets right to work on the bit of evidence we’ve brought along.
“Well, it looks like…” Twilight begins, staring intently through her microscope at the clue. “A piece of fabric.”
“Duh, Twilight!” I blurt out. “But what else?”
She shrugs. “It’s blue? Cut with scissors? Devoid of any stain or discoloration whatsoever?”
I roughly pull on my beard in desperation. “That’s it!? But… but, this was supposed to crack the case wide open!”
Twilight cocks a brow. “Maybe you didn’t have a case to begin with.”
“Are you sure?” I ask. Nay, plead. “Have you seen Spike lately? Maybe he’s been assassinated by that guy who stole the hat! Maybe he’s working with the noisy guard from Canterlot and the disgruntled waitress from the Waffle Hut that’s so slow in refilling my coffee!”
Softly, gently, Detective Shy takes my hand between two of her hooves. “Officer Cord… maybe it’s best we stop playing cops today.”
My ears flatten against my head. It seems justice doesn’t always prevail.
“But I know something that might cheer you up.”
3:40 PM: The Waffle Hut
When the waffles do little to elevate my dour mood, I snap my fingers and make them dance together until one of them slips in syrup and breaks a leg. I, of course, do the honorable thing and put the waffle out of its misery by mashing it between my teeth and eating it.
I slump in my seat and remove my policemen’s badge. “Maybe I’m just not cut out to be a cop. A full day on the force and not one case solved! I thought by this point we’d be after a serial killer or something! Or at least someone that shoplifts cereal!”
“I think you did very well today,” Fluttershy tells me matter-of-factly. “How many cops in Ponyville can even say they’ve arrested someone? Or searched for clues? Or went on high speed chases for no reason at all? Or ate four hundred waffles in only eight hours?”
What she says perks me up. So much so that I raise a sharp claw toward the ceiling. “You’re entirely right, Fluttershy! Cops around these parts don’t do squat! It’s the Princesses that dispense all the justice around here!”
Fluttershy winces at that. “Well, that wasn’t exactly what I was going for. Cops in Ponyville still—”
“Why, with that in mind, I’m most likely the best cop Equestria’s ever seen! Too good, in fact! Which means… which means I must hang up the badge and retire. Right this instant.”
“Really? Just like that?”
“I’m afraid so, detective.” I absently sniff at my shirt. “Plus this costume smells like rot and is beginning to give me a rash.”
Fluttershy smiles daintily as I toss my cop uniform over my shoulder. I hear someone scream in the booth behind me, but don’t care to look. Must’ve found a hair in their food or something.
“Want to play dress up again tomorrow?” I ask with a smile all my own. “We could form a rock band, if you’d like? Or how ‘bout astronauts? Or we could even start up a company that deals with strictly mid- to low-level insurance claims?”
Fluttershy picks rock band. So I call dibs on tambourine.
It’s wildly known as the most annoying instrument of them all.
Author's Note
I thought this one would've turned out better. I had the idea for so long (and even attempted writing it twice before), that I really just wanted it finished and over with. Now onto other stuff! 
