Fluttershy knocked on the quaint and unassuming door to Joe’s cottage.
A set of hoofsteps plodded towards the door, accompanied by a quite audible sigh. Lock after lock clicked from the top of the door to the bottom. The door opened a crack, Joe’s pink-furred face peeking through.
“Ah yes, my daily hint I’m in a cartoon show for little girls,” he said, swinging the door open. “Come in, come in.” He zipped over to the kitchen and lifted a boiling kettle from the stovetop.
“Thank you,” Fluttershy said, smiling to her host. “Oh, you’ve already brewed it.”
“Yes, tea’s ready to go. Have a seat,” Joe said as he rushed to the kitchen table and poured tea into the cups already waiting at the table. “However, I’m afraid that once we’re done the tea, you have to leave and not bother me for the rest of the day. Customary where I’m from.”
“Is it? You’ve never mentioned this before—”
“That was to be polite. I hate forcing my customs on other people—other ponies,” he said, like something was stuck in his teeth. “But I knew you understand. You’re so very kind, after all, are you not?”
Fluttershy helped herself to one of the cheap, rather flat pillows and took a whiff of the tea. “That is my element. I’m glad to hear you’ve caught on so well.”
“Puh. Element, yes. Your magical, magical element,” he muttered, placing the teapot back onto the stove and sitting across from Fluttershy.
“How are you today?” Fluttershy took a sip of tea.
“Drink more.”
“Pardon?”
Joe waved his hoof at Fluttershy’s teacup as if gently encouraging a fly to buzz away. “You should drink a little faster, is all I’m saying.”
“Oh, no, I can’t do that,” Fluttershy said. “I drink tea slowly. It’s much more enjoyable that way.”
His pressed smile fell to a deep frown. “God almighty, you really are the cutesy-est of them all.” He leaned his elbows on the table and covered his face with his hooves. “Ugh. Kill me now, please.”
“I’m sorry?”
His head slid down to the table with a soft thump. He covered his head with his hooves. “Kill me. Kill me dead.”
Fluttershy set her teacup down. “I don’t know what that word means.”
Joe lifted his head, looking over Fluttershy. “Excuse me, but I don’t think I heard correctly. You don’t know what the word ‘kill’ means?”
Fluttershy accompanied her answer with a shake of her head. She released an exasperated sigh, but breathed back in and released her frown. “No, I’ve never heard that word before.”
“Cripes, this show really is for little children.” Joe moved his tea to the side and spoke carefully. “To kill means to make someone dead. Used in a sentence: I’ve killed you just now.”
Fluttershy’s frown returned. “Now, Joe, that doesn’t sound very nice at all.”
“Really? That’s too bad, then. Because I really did kill you just now.” He sipped his tea, still looking at Fluttershy.
“Oh, really?”
“Sure, sure. Poisoned your tea, there. You’re dead now. I’ve killed you dead. Oh well. Sorry.”
Fluttershy looked down at her tea. “I don’t think I understand.”
“Most don’t. One day, you’re living your life, and the next, you’re dead. It happens eventually. It’s a fact of life. Fact of death, really.” Joe smiled and patted Fluttershy on the shoulder, a deceptively sympathetic gesture. “I’m sorry for your loss, dear Fluttershy.”
Fluttershy glanced to the hoof on her shoulder, squinting at it. “I don’t think…” However, she shook her head and took in a slow breath. “If you say so, Joe.”
“Please, it’s Joe Mommuh,” Joe said, sipping his tea. “I prefer the full name. Now go on, your tea’s getting cold, and I’ve got a long day ahead of me. No time to waste when you’re busy being left alone.”
~ ~ ~
Twilight harrumphed. “That’s just bizarre.” She rolled out on her board from underneath the portal in her castle, setting down the wrench in her magic. She pointed to a pair of sitting pillows across the room that were not flat and not cheap. “Please, have a seat. I’ll join you.”
“Oh, you don’t have to stop what you’re doing,” Fluttershy said.
“It’s fine. I’m allowed a break.” Twilight took a rag and wiped the grease from her forelegs. She took a swig from a glass of water and chuckled. “It takes ten seconds to make this portal, yet it takes way longer than that to redirect anywhere but the Canterlot High universe.”
Fluttershy crossed her forelegs and pouted. “I’m sorry to hear that, Twilight. You must be exhausted.”
“It’s okay,” Twilight said, bringing over another glass of water for Fluttershy. She sat down. “I don’t work myself too hard. It’s not a high priority. Anyway, what’s the word Joe used again? ‘Kill’?”
“ ‘Kill’. It means to make someone dead, but I’m not sure if Joe is telling the truth or not.” Fluttershy sat up, accepting the glass. “That’s why I came to you. Surely you must have heard this word before, right?”
“No, I haven’t. But if it means to make you dead, then he was obviously joking,” Twilight said, leaning her chin on a hoof. “I mean, he said he killed you dead, but you’re not dead at all.”
Fluttershy nodded, resting her head on both of her hooves. “Is it at all possible that he was telling the truth and I am dead?”
“I’ve got a good feeling you’re not,” Twilight said. “You’re still breathing. And talking. And sitting upright. That’s some solid evidence that you’re not dead.”
“Those are all true.” Fluttershy shrugged. “But maybe I did die when he said I did, and now I’m a ghost.”
Twilight reached out and poked Fluttershy’s shoulder. “Nope.”
“Undead?”
“No such thing.”
“In a coma and imagining all of this in my head?”
“I—hm.” Twilight set her hoof down, looking off to the side. “I mean, that could also be true, and I can’t really disprove that for you, but that’s just unlikely. I mean, if we want to go full ‘existential crisis’ on this, it’s possible I’m just a figment of your imagination and your mind is the only thing that’s real.”
“That’s just strange to think about,” Fluttershy said.
“It is. But don’t. I’ve got a hunch that I’m awake and alive, and speaking as a probably alive pony, you seem probably alive to me.”
“Well, I’m glad you think so, Twilight, even if I’m dreaming you thinking that.” Fluttershy smirked.
Twilight smirked back. “Glad I could help, even if I’m dreaming helping you.”
Fluttershy’s smirk grew smirkier. “Thank you, Twilight. I’m glad you helped me figure out I’m not dead.”
“Puh,” Twilight said, rolling her eyes. “I can’t believe how ridiculous this all is. Look. Either he made up that word, or it’s a real word where he’s from and he’s kidding about killing you dead, but either way he’s messing with us. I think that’s just what he does. The way he tells his life story, the way he talks to ponies, and how he just talked to you earlier today… I have a feeling he knows what he’s doing.”
Fluttershy sighed. “I think you’re right, Twilight. I just wish it weren’t true.”
“I think you give him the benefit of the doubt far too often, Fluttershy. Give him that doubt for once.” Twilight laid her hoof on Fluttershy’s. “You know Pinkie Pie doesn’t even talk to him anymore, right?”
“Why’s that?”
“He calls all her parties ‘funerals’,” Twilight droned, “ ‘because my fading optimism dies at every one of these things’.”
“I wish I could say that surprises me,” Fluttershy said.
“I know I can’t. I think he’s messing with us. With you. For his own enjoyment. If you ask me, I think you should ignore him.”
Fluttershy lifted her head, her eyebrows furrowing. “If not even Pinkie will talk to him, that means he really doesn’t have any friends. I can’t give up on him now.”
Twilight huffed, pursing her lips. She looked down and drooped her shoulders. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I guess that pony just rubs me the wrong way. Here I am, the Princess of Friendship, saying you should give up on him. I mean, everyone deserves a friend, right? Even Joe.”
“Right.”
Twilight stood up and walked towards the portal, but changed course and trotted to a stack of books in the corner of the room. “Well, keep trying, I guess? Maybe one day he’ll give in.” She bent down and squinted at a book near the top of the pile. “Perhaps try a different approach?”
“Maybe,” Fluttershy said, tilting her head. “That might work. If what I’ve been doing now isn’t working, there must be something else I can do.”
“There usually is.”
Fluttershy got up and walked over to the study door. “Thank you, Twilight.”
“Anytime, Fluttershy. Good luck!”
Twilight picked up a book and examined its binding, careful not to further damage the cover. She set it down gently and pulled out a thin tube of glue from her tool kit, when she paused, and then groaned. “Ohhhhh. Joe Mommuh. Ugh. I get it now.”
~ ~ ~
“New custom,” Joe said, pouring Fluttershy a cup of tea. “Guests now only get a quarter cup of tea.”
Fluttershy’s left eyebrow rose.
“Again, didn’t mention it to be polite. Stems from the olden days, when tea was a rare commodity to be carefully rationed. Traditionally, guests only got quarter-cups, since households were expected to look after their own supply. Tough times and all that,” he said, pouring himself a full cup. “It’s true, as well as the ‘leaving me alone when you’re done your tea’ bit. Anyway, drink up.”
Fluttershy cleared her throat, speaking somewhat louder than normal. “Well Joe, I know how much you enjoy having time and space to yourself, so of course I won’t waste any time drinking this tea. I wouldn’t want you to be… spiffled, after all,” she said, taking a stealthy sip of her tea while keeping her eyes fixed on Joe.
Now Joe’s left eyebrow rose. “Spiffled.”
Fluttershy straightened up on her seat, giving a slight but firm nod. “Spiffled. Yes.”
“Interesting,” Joe said, leaning forward and resting both his elbows on the table. “Sure, why not, I’ll humour you. What does ‘spiffled’ mean?”
“It means to be annoyed or ticked off,” she said, hesitating but turning up her nose. “I’m surprised you’ve never heard that word before.”
“I’d never said that, but nice callback to the whole ‘kill’ thing,” Joe said. “Now use ‘spiffled’ in a sentence.”
Fluttershy put her hooves together. “I couldn’t help but be the tiniest bit spiffled when Discord was late to our afternoon tea time.”
“Prepared with an example, too,” Joe said, taking a sip of tea. “Well, Fluttershy, thank you for teaching me a new word. I’m so glad you were honest with me.”
Fluttershy’s nose twitched. “Are you?”
“Yes. I’m glad I can count on you to be truthful with me,” Joe said. “I mean, it’s quite a coincidence that not two days after I’ve taught you a new word, and you’ve all of a sudden got a new word of your own to share with me. A word so laughably childish-sounding that it couldn’t have possibly been made up by someone like you, no, certainly not. But I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. You’re so kind, after all. To lie would be just the opposite of kind—dare I say, it’d be mean.”
She reached out a quivering hoof to her teacup. “I suppose,” she croaked.
“I would more than suppose, if you ask me. I can’t imagine you’d do anything so mean. It would crush my spirit. Golly gee, I’m spiffled just thinking about it.” Joe waved his hoof and smiled. “But of course, that would never happen.”
Fluttershy shrank back, pulling her forelegs close to her body and looking down at her teacup. She glanced sideways, trying to speak but failing to produce words.
“Yes, Fluttershy, this is sarcasm,” Joe said. “We talked about this a week ago.”
“I know.” Fluttershy let out a breath, her body slipping into a slouch. “I made it up,” she said with a heavy sigh, tears welling up in her eyes.
“What wow you don’t say.”
She covered her eyes, tilting her head forward to let her hair hide her face. “Pinkie helped me make it up.”
Joe shook his head, holding back a laugh. “Is this your way of getting revenge? By making up a word?”
“No, it’s not for revenge, I… I thought you made up words for fun.” She tried to conceal a sniffle. “I thought maybe that was your way of having fun, to make up words and pretend like they were real, like a prank. I thought—”
“You thought making up a word yourself would win me over.”
Fluttershy didn’t say anything, remaining hidden behind a curtain of hair.
“Well, no need to get all teary-eyed about it,” Joe said, pushing his tea to the side. “You can’t get yourself down just because you failed to impress the man of your dreams.”
Fluttershy choked out a laugh behind her hair.
Joe looked to the window across the room. “Look, Fluttershy. I’m obviously not the friends type, moreso since I won’t be here long anyway. It’s not personal, I promise. I don’t discriminate—I’m not friends with any of you ponies.”
“I know,” Fluttershy said. “That’s… That’s why…” Her words faded into muffled sobs.
Joe huffed, swaying his head back and forth and murmuring to himself. With a consigned breath, he tilted up his chin. “And I especially wouldn’t be friends with the likes of you.” His smirk came through in his voice. “You’re terrible at making up words. Your technique is absolutely deploofable.”
Fluttershy buried her head in her hooves. “I know, I—”
Her head rose from the table. Her mouth twitched, and wrinkles of confusion spread across her forehead.
Joe shrugged. “Wouldn’t you say so? You know what deploofable means, right?”
She lifted a hoof to brush half of her hair behind her ear. “Um, um, yes,” she said, swallowing.
“I don’t think I believe you,” Joe said, reaching out to brush the other half of her hair away. “Use it in a sentence.”
Fluttershy wiped her eyes. “Um, like that grumpy old pony was just so…” She looked down, wincing. “Well, I can’t say that, that’s an awful thing to say to an older pony.”
“First of all, Fluttershy, you need to work on your cynicism. I see hints of it, I do, but you’ve got a good ways to go.” Joe took a sip of his tea. “Second, don’t you mean, ‘that’s a deploofable thing to say’?”
Fluttershy cracked a smile, her face nearly finished drying. “Thanks, Joe Mommuh,” she said.
Joe shrugged. “Eh, just call me Joe.”
And despite having finished her cup of tea, Fluttershy was not kicked out of Joe’s house, and instead stayed and chatted for a full twenty-four minutes that day.
