How To Win Enemies And Influence Ponies

by kudzuhaiku

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Original Character, Comedy, Daring Do, Ahuizotl
Length: 2792

It’s a dangerous business going out your door to attend a party…

For Rainbow Danger Dash, it's all about the thrill seeking.

For Miss A.K. Yearling, it is just another day at work.

For Tarnished Teapot, it's just him doing what he does best.

Everywhere these three go, mayhem seems to follow. Sadly, mayhem doesn't pay very well for the mooks that it employs, and very, very few think about the plight of the common henchpony. A.K. Yearling does however, and she cares.

An entry in the Weedverse.

Published 2016-11-14 01:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-11-14 01:30:02 UTC

Chapter 1

When three ponies entered the room, the crowd paused and fell silent. The first pony, a pegasus mare, wore heavy glasses, had a frumpy cardigan, and was wearing a somewhat battered looking cloche hat. Her orange tongue darted out as she gave her lips a nervous lick, and then she moved out of the way so that others might have enough room to get by.

The second pony, also a pegasus, was wearing a Wonderbolts flight jacket and black shades. She moved with a cool, easy grace and she basked in the glory of the crowd. She held out a wing, saluted, and then lowered her black aviators glasses and gave the audience a peek at her rose coloured eyes. Her bright blue pelt was dazzling, but her rainbow coloured mane was her most remarkable feature.

Towering over the two mares was a chocolate brown unicorn stallion wearing a dark grey corduroy blazer. He seemed stiff, almost wooden, and his bright blue eyes were nervous. A muted spring green bow tie was somewhat lopsided around his neck. He cleared his throat and let out a little cough.

“Tonight’s guests,” an earth pony announced, speaking with great clarity into a microphone. She held out her hoof at the three ponies who stood just inside the door. “Miss A.K. Yearling, Professor of both Literature and Archeology at Canterlot University and the public relations agent of Daring Do.” The earth pony mare paused, moved her hoof a little bit, and pointed at the rainbow maned pegasus. “Rainbow Dash, an esteemed member of the Wonderbolts and amateur treasure seeker.”

Then, pointing upwards, she introduced the last of the three guests. “Also tonight, we have with us the soon to be Professor of Voracious and Horrendous Flora at Baltimare Downs University, Mister Tarnished Teapot.”

There was gentle, polite applause from the crowd, who were affluent and cultured, as crowds who gathered in museums tended to be. The earth pony mare waited for the crowd to quiet down a bit, she didn’t have to wait for very long, and then she tapped the microphone to ensure that she had total silence before she continued.

“We have Miss Yearling to thank for her gracious donation of the ancient equine fertility relic, a statue of our own beloved Princess Celestia from the heady days of her youth. It was with great courage that Daring Do and her two associates went and recovered this from the flying piranha fish infested ruin.”

At the mention of the flying piranha fishes, Rainbow Dash cringed and tucked her tail between her hind legs. Beside her, Tarnish squirmed, blinked a few times, then reached up and rubbed his neck with his left foreleg. Miss Yearling just smiled as she nodded with a great deal of both aplomb and grace.

“The flying piranha fishes weren’t so bad,” Rainbow Dash said, her voice a somewhat raspy whine, “the acidic hairball spitting jaguars were the real problem.”

Standing beside Rainbow Dash, Tarnished Teapot nodded and Miss Yearling looked a little woozy. The audience stood there, blinking, some had their heads tilted off to one side, a few looked on in disbelief, and a few looked as though they might faint at any moment. The very idea of violence—for those who sought safety in the city—it was unnerving.

“I don’t know…” Tarnish hemmed and hawed for a moment as he thought about what it was that he was about to say. “The mad zebra voodoo cultist was its own special kind of awful, but I do agree that the jaguars were quite bad.”

“Quite,” Miss Yearling agreed in a nervous whisper as she worked to reclaim her unflappable composure.

The earth pony mare cleared her throat and raised her eyebrow at the trio before she continued, “As you know, a portion of the funds raised tonight will go towards the Mook Rehabilitation Society, a charity near and dear to Daring Do’s heart. She would have us reminded that henchponies are working stiffs, ponies just trying to live, thrive, and survive just like the rest of us. The Mook Rehabilitation Society houses these poor wretches, heals their broken bones, their many injuries, and tries to find halfway houses so that they might reintegrate into society after their debilitating injuries.”

There was thunderous applause from the crowd, who stomped their hooves, whistled, and hooted. Tarnish, who stood between two pegasus mares, looked baffled and confused that anypony would cheer about this. Meanwhile, Miss Yearling, who stood beside him, a gentle smile could be seen upon her muzzle.

Just as the announcer was about to say more, something flew into the room making metallic plink-plink sounds as it bounced and rolled over the marble tiles. The announcer went silent and stared at what she thought was a strange looking foal’s ball, or perhaps a toy.

The sputtering fuse sticking out of one end was quick to set her straight though.

“That’s a live bomb,” Miss Yearling announced in a very matter-of-fact voice and her words made the audience start screaming in terror.

Tarnish, after some split-second thinking, realised that he was the only unicorn present. Using his telekinesis, he snatched up the bomb and then held it up over his head while he began whimpering like a colt that just sat down too hard on his own dangly bits. For the second time in his life, Tarnish was stuck holding a live explosive and not knowing what to do next.

“Gimme that!” Rainbow Dash cried as she took to the air. She snatched the bomb between her front hooves, the bomb which now had a much shorter fuse, and then took off through the doors in a rainbow blur. After a few seconds, there was an explosion that shook everything and then Rainbow Dash came back through the door with a nervouscited grin upon her face. “That was a big one!”

Reaching out with his telekinesis, Tarnish pinched the smouldering ends of Rainbow Dash’s mane to make certain that no fire started. For the second time after holding a live explosive, he had been saved by Rainbow Dash. This was starting to become a pattern. Just as he was starting to think that everything was going to be okay, everything was not okay all of a sudden. The crowd, having realised that somepony had tried to murder them, decided that it was time to go.

There was a stampede for the exit, right where the trio of ponies now stood. In a hurry, Miss Yearling, Rainbow Dash, and Tarnished Teapot all got out of the way. As the crowd poured out, the three ponies realised that it was time to go to work. Somepony had just tried to kill them and an entire crowd. It was in their job descriptions to find out who and why.

When the crowd was gone, Miss Yearling took off her glasses and became Daring Do. Her entire demeanour changed with the removal of her eyewear. Her expression became one of grim determination and she looked at both of her colleagues, asking a silent question of them, wondering if they were ready.

Before Tarnish or Rainbow Dash could answer, a bunch of rough looking ponies came into the room, and Daring Do knew their type quite well. Mooks. Henchponies. Hired thugs. One of them had a black mask cutie mark, and she pitied him. The poor dear had so few choices in life with a cutie mark like that one.

A baker’s dozen worth of thugs filed in, all of them earth ponies and pegasus ponies. Tarnish, opening his attache case, pulled out a coiled up bullwhip, let it unroll, and it hit the floor with a muffled plop. Several of the mooks eyeballed the whip and then stood very still as they stared at Tarnish. Mister Teapot had a reputation among the mooks.

“Tarnish, really… the whip again?” Daring Do asked in a voice that was almost a whine.

“Well, you lectured me about bringing a sword to formal functions!” Tarnish retorted.

“You!” One of the pegasus ponies pointed at Tarnish. “We had to form a union because of you! Collective bargaining! Our boss really hated that! You have no idea how much trouble you caused us! You chased us around with a dangerous iron implement and inflicted grievous bodily harm! Our insurance rates went up! I’m having a hard time paying my premiums and my rent!”

“It was a fireplace poker,” Tarnish replied in a dismissive manner as he rolled his eyes.

“It was cherry red hot!” the pegasus pony cried as he began backing away.

As Rainbow Dash began to chortle, Daring Do shook her head. “Not one word, Rainbow. We must respect the plight of the working henchpony. The poor sods must obey the call of their cutie marks.”

“My wife was very distressed about my condition!” an earth pony complained as Tarnish lifted up his whip. “I had to try and explain to my daughter why her daddy had a burned backside!”

“Make better life choices?” Tarnish said as he advanced, his whip raised.

Several henchponies did just that. Five of them split, turning tail and running. The eight that were left were apprehensive and didn’t seem to like their odds. With a flick of his magic, Tarnish cracked his whip and the tip snapped just inches away from a pegasus’ nose. Three more ponies turned tail and ran.

“We were just having a fundraiser to try and help you,” Daring Do said to the remainder. “Look, I feel bad for you, I really do, but if you do not leave this instant, my esteemed colleague is going to give you the lash. He’s rather good at it and he’s an excitable sort, so look out, do try to cover your eyes.”

“We’re going to lose our performance bonus if we run away.” One earth pony stood his ground. “If I get hurt, at least I’ll get hazard pay.”

“Happy to oblige.” Tarnish cracked his whip again and the tip snapped mere inches from the earth pony’s snoot. As Tarnish pulled his whip back, the remainder of the mooks took off, running for their lives. He chuckled and felt good that this had been resolved with no real violence.

“Ahuizotl is nearby.” Daring Do’s eyes narrowed and she began to look around. “I can sense my arch-nemesis. He is very, very close. No doubt, he is here to steal something. We need to find him in a hurry.”

Taking off at a blur, Rainbow Dash flew for the doors where the auditorium hall was, so that she could access the rest of the museum. Tarnish took off at a run to follow her, and Daring Do caught up with a few flaps of her wings. There was a villain to foil and the night was young.

The trio poured into the auditorium, which had been turned into a makeshift ballroom for dancing. A row of buffet tables were along one side of the wall and along the other wall was a collection of benches, folding chairs around some tables, a grand piano, and Ahuizotl, who stared at them in shock and disbelief.

“They didn’t even bother fighting, did they?” Ahuizotl asked.

Daring Do shook her head.

“Son of a bitch! Do you know how much this is going to cost me? Please, please tell me that you didn’t traumatise them with a red hot fireplace poker this time! One of them claimed his inflamed hemorrhoids were a direct result of on the job stress!”

“I couldn’t find a fireplace or a poker,” Tarnish replied.

“You smarmy asshole…” Ahuizotl’s eyes narrowed and he gave Tarnish a murderous stare. “I’m starting to dislike you.”

“Meh, you and everypony else.” Rainbow Dash raised her front hooves into a martial stance. “Any last words before I pound your face, Ahu—Ahubi—Ahubidoobidoo—Ahuwhatever the snot you are!”

“Yes, as a matter of fact,” Ahuizotl replied in a calm, collected, polite voice. “DIE!”

Grabbing the edge of the grand piano, Ahuizotl whipped his body around to set the piano rolling, intending to fling it at the trio of ponies so he could have time to make good on his escape. As the piano started moving, Ahuizotl was unprepared for a flaw in his plan.

Tarnish, with a flick of his magic, undid the support strut that was holding up the grand piano lid. With a crash and a clatter, the piano lid smashed down upon Ahuizotl’s fingers, which gripped the edges of the open grand piano. There was a violent cacophony that sounded a bit like a grand piano being flung through a room and having its lid slammed shut upon the fingers of an elder jungle god, who screamed and howled bloody murder as his fingers were shattered into unrecognisable flesh pretzels.

Turning away, cringing, Daring Do shook her head as she shuddered in revulsion. “Mister Teapot, that was uncalled for! Oh, how positively dreadful!” Daring Do sucked in air through clenched teeth and let it out in sympathetic hiss. “That looks like it stings! Oh, that’s ghastly!”

“Ouch… oooh… ouch…” Rainbow Dash gasped as she clutched her front hooves together, hugging them to her barrel in sympathy. “Should we, uh, you know, go and try to help him?”

“I don’t see why we should,” Tarnish replied in a very calm voice as he kept a stiff upper lip.

With a stern look of disapproval, Daring Do glared at Tarnish as Ahuizotl continued to scream and shriek at the top of his lungs. “That was cold, Mister Teapot. Later, we’ll need to have a word about professional standards, you and I.”

“He just tried to throw a piano at me!” Tarnish protested. “Sure, you two can just fly away, but I can’t even wink or teleport or whatever it is that ponies are calling it now. I might of gotten hurt! Besides, he’ll get over it.”

“I WILL NEVER BE OVER THIS! I WILL DEVOUR YOUR FACE! I WILL CONSUME YOUR SOUL! I WILL SLURP YOUR ENTRAILS OUT THROUGH YOUR EYE SOCKETS! I WILL FEAST UPON YOUR—”

“Oh shut up!” Tarnish brandished the whip in the air over his head to let Ahuizotl know that he meant business.

Howling with pain and rage, Ahuizotl yanked his mangled, bloodied hands out of the piano, snarled at Tarnish, and then took off at a swift run on his hind legs, using his long tail for balance. After a few seconds, he began to glow with magic, and then, with a crackle, he vanished, leaving behind a trail of scarlet droplets.

Saying nothing, Tarnish began to adjust his bow tie, which was bothering him, and then after reaching peak levels of frustration, he yanked it off. He crammed it into a pocket, coiled up his whip, and put it back into his attache case. Sniffing, he eyed the buffet tables, then took off towards them at a trot.

“That piano lid had to weigh three hundred pounds or more.” Daring Do’s voice was low, sombre, and calm. “Tarnish, I fear that you have made a real enemy. He’ll come for you, just as he comes for me.”

“Eh, he can get in line,” Tarnish replied as he picked up a plate from the steam heated plate dispenser. “At this point, I’ve lost track of how many villainous types want to kill me. It’s tiresome to keep track of them all and Princess Celestia said I need to be more organised.”

Rainbow Dash, who flew over to the buffet table, hovered beside Tarnish. “If I were to guess, I’d say you’re up to about thirty six, maybe thirty seven if that crazy explosives guy lived through our last encounter somehow. You did throw him down the elevator shaft with a duffle bag full of his own dynamite and the building did sort of explode just a little bit.”

Shrugging, Tarnish began to pile food onto his plate, and Rainbow Dash joined him. Shaking her head, Daring Do put on her glasses, changed into Miss Yearling, and then went over to join her companions at the buffet.

“The police will be here soonish, at least one might hope.” Miss Yearling let out a dry chuckle and picked up a plate. “If this keeps up, we’re going to get a reputation and nopony will invite us to fundraisers or parties. It’s almost as if we’re a disaster waiting to happen.”

Tarnish nodded. “It’s a dangerous business going out your door to attend a party…”

Author's Note

As requested. You're welcome.

I would like to thank my Patreons, who make silly stories like this one possible.

Also, thank you, constant readers, for giving me something silly to do with electrons.