How Bernie Sanders Took Over Equestria
Author's Note
My wonderful, original song to read along with
Dude like bro dood
Spike was currently on his way to get some ice cream for Rarity. He was heading out to the town market when suddenly he heard the screeching of ponies. He turned to see Mathew Mcconaughey in a black Lincoln Navigator. Spike’s face hit the front grill and exploded in a million gory bits of red paste. His eyeballs exploded from his sockets and their jelly splattered onto the Lincoln emblem. His skull was crushed inward and gained a sizable dent.
The ponies of the town watched in horror as Spike was turned into roadkill. Oh, what pain they did feel for the owner of the Lincoln.
“Yes! That faggot’s dead,” Rarity announced in relief and was greeted to agreeing murmurs. “Shit though… how many ponies have been killed by these stupid fucking humans?” Rarity asked around her.
“That makes for 20 so far,” informed Pinkie Pie’s talking, deep voiced vagina which had its own mouth.
“Yeah he’s right,” Pinkie Pie agreed with herself.
Rarity looked to the ponies that were surveying the dead dragon’s body and announced to them, “That does it. We will have a town meeting at Carousel Boutique this day at five pm.”
All the ponies of town, including the other five of the main six, were in attendance. Rarity stood behind her podium and looked to the crowd, “Alright, we all know why we are here. It’s to get rid of these scumbag human’s that have been ruining Equestria with their cars and celebrities. So I’ve Enlisted the help of Bernie Sanders to kill them all!” The crowd cheered at the prospect of the extermination. Bernie Sanders made his way up stage and took the podium.
He began to speak in his New York city accent, “Every average, working pony is tired of these damn humans so I have a plan. All ponies must now wear Heelys shoes all day and take an hour out of their day to worship DJ Keemstar, the god of Heelys. This religion is called Heelyism, and once you all worship him, Keem shall kill all of the humans that have been fucking you over by choking them to death with his popcorn. Also, you have to kill Celestia in order for it to go correctly. That’s about it.”
So it was, that all of the ponies began to wear Heelys and worship Keemstar, but they forgot one critical thing: killing Celestia. A new radical movement was started in which all the ponies of Ponyville banded together to kill her. It was called ISIS. This was an organization Hell bent on removing humans and carrying out the final solution of humans, and the name was obviously not even made into a pun with ponies. The author just called it ISIS and said fuck it.
ISIS, which was fronted by Button’s milf of a mom, traveled on its way to Canterlot Castle. The malicious ponies chucked dakimakuras at the gate of the castle which housed the monarch. This was just too much stress so Luna herself made her way outside of the castle to confront ISIS.
“I recognize tha-,” was all that Luna could muster out before the ponies moshed onto her. Button’s mom stuffed every orifice of Luna with Keemstar popcorn. Rarity took out her favorite glass strap-on, that was thicker than a hoof, and ran a train inside of Luna’s asshole. Pinkie then stuck her talking vagina onto Luna’s mouth and suffocated her.
Pinkie’s vagina was like, “dude I’m sorry about this. Like, I’m not in control of what Pinkie does.” Luna was getting inflated from all the Keemstar popcorn, and finally she popped. Her organs were strewn across the Isis members in a gore explosion. The ponies looked to their work and felt satisfied.
Just then, the heavens above opened up and out came DJ Keemstar riding upon a golden chariot. He descended and looked to the Isis members.
“Hey guys! It’s DJ-Killer-Keemstar! I see that you have made a sacrifice in my name and I commend you ponies. Now all that we have left to do is kill Celestia, and then I’ll go ahead and kill the humans for you guys,” he told them ecstatically. Keem blasted a super, concentrated beam of movie theatre butter toward the castle gate and blasted it open for the ponies. All of ISIS went in while skating of their Heelys. They found the throne room and confronted Celestia.
Button’s Milf mother warned of Celestia death, “we, ponies of ISIS, are here to kill you in the name of Heelyism and DJ Keemstar. So goodbye and stuff dude.” The Milf took out an AR-15 and shot the monarch with seven bullets. She had to pull the trigger each time because it was semi-auto and not an assault weapon. The ponies cheered for the victory and told the Heely god.
Keemstar and the Heelyists of ISIS were victorious in their campaign against the humans that had gotten into Equestria. All of the humans had been easily vanquished with the use of Keemstar’s godly popcorn powers, but only two humans remained and refused to die: Bernie Sanders and Jesus.
ISIS and Keemstar made their way to Jesus and confronted him. Jesus started first and tried to tell them of the wrong doings that the ponies had done. Luckily, the ponies' will had been broken and ISIS was disbanded from Jesus's excellent oration of right and wrong, but right after everyone had agreed to leave ISIS, Rarity came up with a question.
"Hey, wait... aren't you not real!" Rarity had learned a simple truth by questioning things for two seconds and chucked a pieced of fish and bread at Jesus. He evaporated into pixie dust and ceased to exist. Now that Jesus was gone, all that was left was Bernie who was the instigator of all that had happened.
Keem led them to his new dwelling that he had taken up in Canterlot Castle. Bernie was not to be destroyed by the followers of Keem as he had a secret plan all along. He showed all of ISIS the video with Keem saying, “Alex, is a FUCKING NIGGER!”, and all the ponies realized that he was a worthless pile of shit and killed him. Bernie was now the ruler of Equestria.
The End
