How To Deal With Random Laser Beams: A Five Step Guide to Keeping Your Marriage Together
Instructions Not Included
Shining Armor sat in blissful silence, drinking his morning coffee, while reading the local newspaper. Something he found he enjoyed greatly, as he had to take full advantage of the silent moments while he could. Flurry Heart was sound asleep for once, tuckered out after playing in the snow. She had been sniffling a good amount, cutting their fun in the snow, and bonding time, short.
He figured he'd gotten the “Fatherly Unit of the Day Award” for allowing Flurry Heart to go outside without a jacket. It definitely hadn't been from the ear-melting crying she did when he had attempted to get her in the clothing. It's not like they were totally open to the elements anyway, fur was on ponies for a reason, plus Shining assumed that alicorns had some type of fur that would help; Cadence had particularly fluffy fur.
Shining sighed, bringing his focus back to the newspaper article titled something he didn't care about. Cadence had practically put him in time out for not properly fitting Flurry Heart for the cold, eventually shunning him for however long she felt. One particular article caught his eye, and was titled “Five Steps to Keeping Your Marriage Together -- A Stallion’s Survival Guide”. Contemplating whether reading it would benefit him, Shining took another sip of his coffee.
With how Cadence was currently acting -- shunning him, and practically insinuating that their marriage was over -- the seemingly easy process didn't look to bad. Plus, if it didn't work out he could finally get the ultimate stallion-cave he'd been dreaming about, complete with Playmare posters and a bookshelf made out of Timberwolf bones. On the other hoof, having a wife that he could throw like a spear at any problem that had pleased him enough, he felt the temptation of the article pulling him in. He gave a mindless shrug, and began to read the article.
Step 1: Keep the toilet seat up.
Shining Armor took a deep breath, and began possibly the longest sigh known to Equestria. Sadly, it was ended by his wife yelling from some place in the castle.
“Shining Armor! Did you leave the toilet seat up again?!”
Shining didn't even bother searching for where his wife was to talk directly to her, there wasn't much of a point anyway. He'd given up remembering the general layout of the castle long ago, and he doubted he could find Cadence with there being over a dozen bathrooms alone. Apparently Sombra had installed all of them so he'd never have to stop a speech to go to one, easy access was the most prominent feature it seemed.
“Are you sure I left it up?!” Shining yelled back, hoping Cadence would let the topic go, though he was secretly, just slightly, excited that she was talking to him.
“I'm sure it could've been Flurry Heart,” Shining could hear the annoyance in Cadence’s voice. “I'm so sorry that I thought it was you.”
Shining went back to reading the article after a long silence had overtaken the argument. The next step seemed to be speaking to him on a spiritual level.
Step 2: Even when you think you were right, you're wrong.
Hopefully, Cadence hadn't thought to prove she was right, and that it couldn't have been somepony else. Though, with how she usually acted, it wasn't going to happen. Shining had tried to prove he was right once during their whole relationship -- he hadn't even attempted to when they were dating based off advice from her father about trying to be right. Once. Nothing had really happened because of it, yet somehow he had an overpowering feeling of dread and fright after he had done so.
He knew right then and there, at the store with Cadence deciding what color the walls would be, that when one filled the position of a loving husband, they were not the one making decisions. Everything from then on were things that he was allowed to think he had thought of. Shining quickly found out that in a marriage -- especially for the wife, and what he had heard about it -- nothing is true, and everything is permitted.
Shining returned to the newspaper, but shortly after was interrupted by his wife popping out from the hallway, having come from wherever she had been. He was more focused on her visible anger, or more so the slightly concerning steam rising out from her ears.
“H-Hi, honey.”
Cadence puffed smoke from her muzzle, “Hello, my loving husband. Though, it seems that the title is pretty questionable right now.”
Shining began sweating, “How so, my lovely?”
Cadence was not impressed, “Hm, I’ll let you guess, and if you’re right, you may even get to sleep inside.”
Shining laughed awkwardly, “Heh, I wonder…” It was most likely about the child of their’s, and something involving a certain coat, or the lack thereof.
“Shining, don’t make me say it.”
He sighed, “Does it have to do with the coat?”
Cadence’s eye twitched, “Glad you used those smarts that I married you for.” He caught her side comment. “I didn’t marry you for your head.”
“I certainly didn’t marry you that,” he muttered.
Cadence’s purple eyes turned blood red.
A distant ‘Wrong’ resonated in the distance.
Shining internally facehoofed at his comment.
Step 3: Don’t talk back.
He had messed up. Sure, he’d been messing up since placing Flurry in bed, but the weight comment. Oh the comment as a rebuttal was way too far, something he would definitely regret, but maybe he could save it, just maybe he could save something.
“I just think that we gotta let her have some freedom, yeah?” Shining backtracked, smiling in an abashed manner.
“What.”
Shining gave a slight hoof pump.
Step 4: When they say “What”, change what you said.
This was his chance to redeem himself. “Yes.”
Nailed it.
Cadence opened her mouth to reply, but it was cut short when a laser flew from the hallway behind her, and shredded part of the newspaper. Both of them turned around to see Flurry Heart standing in the doorway, sniffling. She was plopped on her hind legs, not strong enough yet to stand up for a lengthy time. She sneezed, shortly after a large laser beam streaked toward them yet again.
Shining yelped as the laser singed a tuft of fur, “What the hec-”
“SHINING PERBURUS ARMOR!”
Shining turned to his wife, “What?”
She flung her hoof toward Flurry Heart, “Your highly impressionable child is right there!”
“She’s not even a year old!” Another sneeze followed his reply, the laser that zoomed toward him was stopped by Cadence. A pink shield had been erected to guard them, “It’s not like she’ll even remember it!”
“That doesn’t matter! It’s the thought that counts!” Cadence yelled.
“I don’t think you understand that saying!” Shining yelled back.
ACHOO!
The largest sneeze yet broke their fight up, the said sneeze was accompanied by a laser that was larger than Cadence’s shield. She grunted with effort to increase her spell, and envelope them in time, but it was too late. It was the laser that did the enveloping.
“Ow.”
Shining turned his head to see a singed newspaper fall in his field of vision, the last step was visible to him just before it burnt away.
Step 5: Happy wife equals happy life.
Author's Note
Well, this was pretty fun to write. I thought it would be nice to switch up the characters I write a bit, especially for a good comedy opportunity like this. I hope you all enjoyed this! If you did go and leave a comment telling me why, or a like, or both, I like feedback! I you didn't like it, go ahead and tell me, any feedback is welcome!
-Till the next one
