Neither Snow nor Reign of Chaos
A line of ponies bustling and arguing at Ponyville’s post office extended from the counter of three busy mail ponies to nearly out the door. But it was always busy at 11:53am. Ponies finishing or starting lunch breaks taking the opportunity to drop off or pick up mail and packages.
An irritated Earth mare was at the far left service counter, complaining about the packaging she received. “Just look at this mess!” She proclaimed stamping her brown hooves on the counter. “The string is barely holding, the box is crumpled,—humph—it even says ‘fragile’. And I know my hubby paid extra for a premium shipping rate.”
The Pegasus behind the counter twitched his tan mustache as he bent low, inspected the box, and then looked at the tag. He raised an eyebrow. “Ma’am,” his eyes lowered into a disrespected frown as he twisted his hoof, allowing the tag to turn showing ‘Cheap Sky: LOW PRIORITY’ written on it. “Please keep in mind the policy,” he tilted his head twice towards a sign beside him reading, ‘Unofficial markings on boxes are ignored for shipping handling and rates’ the signage implying her complaint about the ‘fragile’ stamp on the box was invalid.
He puffed out some air and shook his head. “I’m sorry,” he stated with a deep monotone, “there isn’t anything we can really do. The box was not officially marked for any special care or express delivery.”
Her eye twitched. “I cannot believe this! Let’s see what fragile item you destroyed.” She gripped the string in her mouth and yanked before ripping the top of the box open—revealing—a foal’s pillow.
The stallion stared at her unimpressed, too downtrodden to laugh or smile. He mumbled with a sigh. “Don’t go postal, don’t go postal, don’t go postal.”
The mare blushed with a sincere smile, but then she shook her head and pulled out the pillow with her mouth. “Well, it looks crumpled and very squished.”
The stallion rose an eyebrow. “Would you like your 1 silver bit refunded?”
The brown mare stuck up her nose and moved the pillow around, revealing a picture of Discord. “Well I…” her eyes popped open as she looked at the image. “What in the moon is…?”
The image re-shifted and grew in depth and size until the draconequus was at full height, stretching with grumbled, protested grunting. He cracked his neck until his head twisted off and he placed it on his body backwards to face the mail pony behind the counter. The Pegasi rose an eyebrow again, just waiting for his luck to sink so low the room would explode into a mess.
“For First Class priority shipping,” Discord said matter factly while gesturing with his asymmetrical arms and body still facing the brown mare, who was now cowering behind the pillow, “you ponies sure do take a long time to get them anywhere.” He put his lion paw on the wall, wrung his deer hoofed leg around his other leg, and leaned to the side. “But then I suppose that’s nothing new. Unless…” he contorted his body in various ways to try righting himself forward, “there’s been a mix up. I’m here to file a complaint.”
The stallion sighed deeply with a frown. Despite the frightening display, he’s seen it all in the Equestrian Postal Service. “Sir, if you will please step back to the end of the line, we will be very happy to assist you.”
Discord leaned over the counter with a smirk and snapped the claws of his eagle-talons. String and cords from the packages in the room turned into dancing imitations of snakes, weaving together and tying along the ponies before dragging them in a sudden jerk out the door, their yelling tuned to the violent rush of a passing roller coaster.
“Well it seems that the line was caught and there was bigger fish to fry.”
The stallion used the cleft of his hoof to scratch his mustache. “What is the nature of your complaint sir?”
“Well first off, doesn’t anypony know who I am? Maybe that would explain the lack of urgency in your establishment.”
“Mister Discord,” the pony continued in his monotonous groan, “I am truly sorry for the lack of timing on your deliveries. We here at E.P.S. are always looking for ways to improve the quality of our service and punctuality. We hope you continue doing business with us and next time I can offer you a discount card for your troubles.”
The mail pony reached behind the counter and pulled up a basket. “Please take a muffin on us,” he bent below again and came up with a discount card in his mouth. Discord screeched his teeth together and looks at the words in this paragraph to ensure what is happening is really happening. Seriously, is this all I am to you readers? Discord thinks beyond the fourth wall. Comedic relief in the form of irony? Satirizing my self-depreciating situations with surreal comedy?
Discord swiped the entire basket of muffins. “With as many times as you continue to mess up with your late—or lost—mail, I do believe I’m entitled to oh—just about all of these.”
“Mister Discord, have you considered a P.O. Box? Deliveries to the Realm of Chaos have gone up in price considerably. Considering that we rush every delivery and sometimes lose mail ponies, we can no longer guarantee an estimated time of arrival nor the assurance deliveries will…”
Discord plugged the mail pony’s mouth with a muffin. “Blah, blah, blah. All I hear are excuses! ‘Pee Oh Box’ here! I am insulted!” Discord used magic to hold the basket in place so he could slap his hands on his face and drag it down so that his eyeballs rolled down with a rattle. “Do you know how long and difficult a teleportation is to this place? Your suggestion is unacceptable.”
The Pegasus sighed and puckered his lips.
Discord turned to walk out the door when his pale yellow eyeballs fell out of their sockets and rolled along the ground. “Oh, there was something else that nearly slipped my mind.”
The eyeballs defied gravity and rolled up along the edge of the counter before coming to a rest at the center. They blinked up at him before merging to form a reddish, inky puddle that turned into a ticking clock. “If I don’t get my next delivery in a time befitting a Lord of Chaos, then your letters and packages will be delivering newborn monsters from my realm as pets for those Equestrian residents who use your service.”
The stallion looked up and sighed as he glanced back to the mail rooms behind him. “I will be sure to send your major threat aimed at the sole mail delivery service in Equestria to the highest of management.”
Discord came back and wrapped his eagle-talon arm around the mail pony. “Oh fantastic!” the puddle on the counter reformed into eyeballs that blinked. “I can clearly see that somepony is going to get things right.” He took his eyeballs in his lion paw and poked them back in place before vanishing.
The mail pony muttered. “Well maybe my job will finally come to an end and I can seek out unemployment and disability. Next.” He looked around at the room void of ponies and allowed himself to smile a bit. “Making bits standing around doing nothing.”
* * *
Flying into the bridge backwards with a bonk came Ms. Derpy holding her delicate, fresh-baked basket of muffins. Her eyes tilted and spun in a dizzy swirl but she was alright—and more importantly, so were the muffins and a very special letter for delivery. With a grin she looked back and flew forward a bit before spinning her wheat-golden tail in a helicopter whirl, buzzing herself over the bridge this time before rotating in place and continuing her way.
She looked back briefly at the bridge that she avoided and perked up her head in pride with eyes closed. But as the grey Pegasus looked at her direction of flight Derpy’s expression drooped.
“Soggy muffins,” she mumbled as she saw the visage of a large tree growing in size in her vision at an alarming rate. She ducked under only to find herself spiraling into the busy traffic of Ponyville, zigzagging this way and that, dodging ponies, carts, and buildings.
* * *
At the Ponyville Post Office just before 2:30pm, the mail ponies were gathering for the second shift pep talk in preparation for the late afternoon rush. Front and center of the gathered two dozen workers was an elder mare Unicorn with red hues and a faded orange coat. Her cutie mark sported a saddlebag with a gold star. This would be Saddle Star, the lead mailmare of Ponyville’s Equestrian Postal Service.
“Now please, attention everypony,” Saddle Star started as she looked down from the podium. The mail ponies began to hush. “I have a very important announcement. As you all… wait—where is…?”
“Oh no,” one of the male Pegasi said, “She jinxed it!”
At that moment, everypony ducked for cover two seconds before Derpy burst through the window, spinning on the ground and colliding into the wall. Her eyes rattled as each spun separately but she was smiling regardless.
“I brought the new batch of muffins as quickly as I could.” With her head scrunched on the ground in a headstand she looked left and right. “Did I miss anything?”
“Yes,” Saddle Star said as she up-righted herself and used her gold magic to realign the blue cap on her head, “you missed everypony in the room on another one of your magnificent crash landings.”
Derpy’s eyes tilted opposite as her eyebrows caved in with confusion. She wasn’t sure if that was praise or ridicule. But since it seemed nopony was hurt and the muffins and letter were safe, she shrugged and tipped her legs over before wobbling her way to a seat.
Saddle Star cleared her throat. “Yes, I have a very important announcement. As you know, mail deliveries to the—customer—known as Discord—resident of the Realm of Chaos, is a difficult creature to get deliveries to. He made a formal complaint and should we not satisfy his needs, he said he would include a newborn monster from his realm in all our deliveries across Equestria!”
As Derpy raised a hoof to speak, one of the stallions stood. “We lost Bucky and Rucksack earlier this month trying to deliver mail to that dreadful place. And the volunteer list for Discord deliveries is running thin.”
The other ponies quickly began to speak up in rancorous commentary as Derpy shook her hoof more, her teeth clenched in earnest. Saddle Star lowered her eyelids and puckered her lips to the side. “I understand the grievances and concern.”
When the ruckus finally settled, the grey mare with a bubbly cutie mark was the only one up—in the air by now—hoof raised and swinging rapidly and her other foreleg now supporting it.
Saddle Star rolled her eyes. “Yes, what is it?”
The Pegasus stopped flapping her wings and sunk back down into her seat. She raised each hoof in a shrug. “Why don’t we just tell Princess Celestia? Or at least Princess Twilight?”
Saddle Star picked up the papers at the podium and adjusted them. “Even if it is ‘reformed’ Discord, we do not treat resident customers in this way. We are a service and we will serve them. Besides, corporate policy states that doing so results in getting fired. No more pay, no more benefits, no more retirement.”
The other ponies had a wide-eyed blank stare. “Huh,” on in the back said putting a hoof to his chin, “makes sense. It’s corporate after all, since when do they do anything reasonable?”
Saddle Star coughed and cleared her throat. “But I have good news. We are now outsourcing contracts to mail delivery into dangerous and difficult areas.”
As if on cue, the door to the side swung open with a crash. In the dust and darkness stood the body of a young Griffon, lion tail twisting back and forth as if looking for the next prey or series of adventure.
“Ahhhhh yeah! Who’s ready to kick some flank in the Realm of Chaos? I could’ve gotten a cutie mark in delivering mail ya know.”
Saddle Star curled her head away from and raised hoof at the Griffon’s direction. “Everypony, meet—Gabby.”
The mail pony who encountered Discord commented monotone, “Griffons are now taking over our jobs as contract workers. How nice.”
Derpy walked up and took the Griffon’s right paw and shook it. “Nice ta meet you, Gabby!”
Gabby used her strength to pick up Derpy one-armed and shake her in the air. “Alright! Some enthusiasm! Say, can she be my partner?” Gabby put Derpy back down and she didn’t seem too dazed, though she wobbled a tiny bit—always flashing a grin.
Saddle Star grimaced. “B—but…”
“Sure!” Derpy said closing her eyes.
Saddle Star zipped from the podium and started dragging the grey Pegasus away. “Excuse us… hey, are you crazy?”
Derpy looked confused. “Uh—not last I checked. But I haven’t seen a doctor to be sure. Oh, except the Doctor, but I don’t think he’s that kind of doctor.”
Saddle Star shook her head. “No, no, no! We need you here for muffin baking! And well—it’s dangerous delivery work. I don’t want to see you get hurt, well, not any more than you already get. And you just met Gabby! You don’t know anything about her.”
“I’ll be fine. Cross my heart, hope to fly,” she signed with her right hoof, “stick a cupcake in my—ouch!”
Saddle Star pulled her hooves away from Derpy’s shoulders and looked down. “Well, considering the severe lack of willing volunteers, we don’t have much a choice anyway. Just be on standby for when Discord has his next letter or package to be delivered.”
Derpy’s eyes straightened for a moment. “Oh! That reminds me,” she reached in the basket of muffins and pulled out an envelope, speaking with it in her mouth. “I’ve gawt on’ ‘ear to Discawd. Urvent.”
Saddle Star’s eyes bulged. “Y-y-you have to deliver this now! At once! Quick, get this prepped for shipping.” She took the envelope with her magic and began to sweat and panic.
But Derpy just took on a quizzical look. “And she says I’m crazy?”
* * *
Gabby thought everything was a great idea until they were actually in the Chaos Realm. She clenched her claws close to her chest as she looked around, eyes beaded and eyebrows concaved. She wanted to pull the blue mail pony cap over her eyes and hide from the world. But trying to make sense of her surroundings, she scanned all around at every bizarre sight, thinking she had seen the worst of it until the next scene, and then the one after.
To her left—or so she thought was her left—was a distant, floating island receiving rain from a cloud below it, and as the cloud shrank in size it became an opening flowerbed. But when she looked to the right, that same island was passing right next to her, but playing the same thing backwards. Instead the bed of flowers were raining petals on the island that was becoming a raincloud.
Gabby was only sure it was the same island because a pair of swirling eyes, beak, and three wings was flapping by at the same pace and direction. “T—that doesn’t make any sense! This whole place…”
“What?” Derpy asked flying along as if nothing were wrong. She flew by a dark cloud that was raining ink onto a long roll of lined paper, creating notes as they dropped and playing them as the paper slowly rotated in place. Curious, Derpy stepped on the paper and was giggling as she was rolling a circle.
“How are we supposed to find Discord in—in all of this?”
Derpy gently shook her head. “We locate his house with the appropriate number.” As she tried flying away, a piece of the music paper stuck to the bottom of her hoof. She began fidgeting to get it off.
Gabby started to quiver while starting to feel sick from looking out in the swirling darkness. She then squinted one eye. “Huh? How does darkness—swirl?”
“I dunno,” Derpy said still kicking her left hind leg. She turned around and began flying backwards below the young griffon.
Gabby felt as if Photo Finish just took a dozen flashing pictures of her face as her eyes filled with lights. Being a skilled flyer, she was more capable of keeping herself together in flight but without an up or down—or up and down being the same thing—it was still nauseating. She began to curl in a spin.
Derpy reached in her saddlebag and pulled out a long cloth and blindfolded her. “Just pretend there’s no gravity.”
“Oh!” Gabby instantly felt better but her beak shifted in a frown. “But that—kinda doesn’t make sense at the same time.” She began to jolt her head in multiple directions despite not being able to see anything. “But where’s the ground? Or any sense of focus in this place?”
Derpy laughed as she started rolling Gabby along in a random direction. “There isn’t one, of course. Wow, it’s kinda weird,” Derpy put a hoof to her chin as Gabby continued rolling, “I feel smart. Normally I’m the one asking all the questions.”
As she talked and began to think, A purple, wide-mouthed fish with buzzing fly wings swept in from below her relative position and began using its eight stubby legs to roll Gabby away.
“I wonder if maybe I feel like I belong here or something. Hmm.” She shook her head. “Nope. I’m pretty sure I was born in Equestria and besides, I don’t remember any place like this.” Derpy made a pinched, irritated face and lowered, trying to peel the stuck piece of paper off. She flew up to the ink cloud and tried to wipe the paper on it but only succeeded in tearing off a tiny piece of the cloud.
In the distance Gabby shouted, “I’m not sure if it’s the place making your voice sound distant or if you really are far away.”
Derpy’s eyes adjusted inward. She grabbed her face as the piece of ink cloud made it into her left saddlebag as if to get warm. “Oh no! Gabby, where did you go?” The grey mare looked around as she floated in place, seeing her new friend and partner being carried off by the monster. And Gabby had Discord’s letter! “Soggy muffins!” Derpy spun around twice before flying backwards as fast as possible away from them.
The monster chuckled and licked its thick mound of bottom teeth with an oily, light blue tongue. Gabby struggled to move and clawed about. She finally took her blindfold off and saw Derpy getting further away quickly. She waved her arms. “No, you’re going the wrong way!” The monster then hugged Gabby tight. She turned her head up to the purple monster. “Listen here you—well I don’t know what you are but I could’ve earned a cutie mark in bear wrestling so you put me down or…”
The monster roared as loud as it could and Gabby’s ears rang with the echo. After her eyes rattled in circles, she closed them and squinted as if she were concentrating hard. They popped open and she rose a pointer claw up. “That’s it!” She reached around her back with both arms and plucked out a pair of feathers. With the two feathers and her lion tail, she began to tickle the monster.
It started to grunt and snort, but soon its guttural throbs turned into waves of giggling and finally laughter. The monster finally let go, rapidly rubbing its squirming legs together. As Gabby let go of her feathers, they floated upwards relative to her position and she tried darting off quickly where she thought Derpy might be going.
Gabby turned back to see if the monster was trailing her, but it was still agitated about the tickling. She turned to look forward and bumped into a purple squiggly tail, the force squeezing her into its body like a bean bag. She reached out with her claws and gripped hard but heard a familiar monstrous roar in reply. Gabby popped her eyes open, crawling forward and up to the head of the same purple monster.
“Huh? How is that possible? I was flying away from… whoa!” She gripped on for dear life as the purple monster began trying to thrash her off. “Y-y-y-y-you should b-b-b-be caref-f-f-f-ful, I waz-z-z-z going t-t-t-t-to earn m-m-my cutie mar-r-r-r-rk in in r-r-r-rodeo!”
Gabby was thrown off but she grabbed the tip of its tail. The creature began to spin in rapid circles like helicopter blades before moving away, the buzzing of its wings like the sound of a swarm of bees.
Finally it whumped Gabby into gently floating birds’ nest the size of a large house, though the nest in question was literally made of long, stringy birds. The monster began scratching its back against the nest and flopped out a tongue in relief before floating forward, leaving a griffon that was squished and warped into the side of the nest who was in much discomfort.
The monster turned around, peeling Gabby from the side of the nest and picking off her saddlebag and cap before stuffing her into the center bed. The griffon felt as though she was being squeezed into a thicket brush, but it was made of birds: beaks, feathers, claws, hums, squawking and all.
Gabby struggled to swim in the entanglement of birds. “Hey! You give those back! Especially—the saddlebag!” She scrunched around to try and get some breath. “It has clips made by very special friends of mine!”
“Hey guys,” came a smacking voice, “they’re starting to use griffons now.”
Gabby struggled to move but used her strength to finally fall into what appeared to be the relatively empty center where over a dozen ponies were. They all looked distraught, scared, or tired. “Who are you guys?”
“Mail ponies,” the smacker said. He used a hoof to pluck a small bird out of his fluffed mane but as he did another one chirped and appeared on top of his head.
“Wow, all of you—here?” Gabby scratched her head.
“Yes, well, unfortunately.”
Gabby looked up through the tangled mess of birds and saw the monster stuff her hat and saddlebag with the other mail ponies’ hats, uniforms, and bags. She pointed. “We have got to get that delivered to Discord!”
The light brown earth mail pony held up a foreleg as he smacked in his accent. “We’ve all tried. And even if we could get out of here, there’s no way any of us intend to try delivering his mail.”
Gabby curled in her lower beak and gritted her teeth. “If we don’t deliver that letter to Discord in a good time, he’s going to plant hatchlings from creatures of chaos in all the mail in Equestria!”
The mail ponies had wide, beaded eyes, sitting and standing in silence before all at once they began clawing their way up through the birds, the flock of which began to protest and squawk. The monster grumbled before thumping down, dropping all of them back to the floor of the nest’s center.
“Oh, what’s the use?” The brown mail pony said sitting with legs out and looking down.
Gabby gasped. “There’s still another mail pony out there! They started sending us in pairs for ¬just such an emergency.” she looked proud of herself as she fluffed up her chest.
“Really?” one of the female Pegasus asked. “Who?”
“Come on, you know? The grey Pegasus who bakes muffins?” Gabby pointed to her flank, “With a bubbly cutie mark?”
The ponies looked at each other and moaned. The brown mail pony flopped on his back. “We’re doomed.”
* * *
“Whoa, that’s a deep hole,” the grey Pegasus mare muttered floating by what looked like a black hole. She considered that if it was anything like a black hole, that whatever came close enough wouldn’t be able to escape its pull. Derpy frowned—that was how her life felt like sometimes. She was unable to escape a fate of darkness and confusion and every time she tried to pull out, she just grabbed somepony and dragged them with her disastrous failure.
She narrowed her eyes. No! Not this time. Her bubbly cutie mark was something that brought joy and entertainment to many. The random, floating spheres extending in different directions. It didn’t mean it was the end—if she kept trying one of her actions should result in floating into the right place and time.
Derpy wasn’t quite sure what to do, only that she knew that it was imperative that letter be delivered to Discord! Weird and unexplainable as it was, Derpy had to make sure this was one way she didn’t screw up. Somepony else important was counting on her, the envelope was personally important to her especially!
As she got her serious face on—as best she could make one—the mare bumped into something soft but pointy at the same time. Derpy quizzically started feeling behind her. It felt like a flock of birds and a pillow at the same time. She turned around to look and saw it was, quite literally, a birds’ nest.
She began to gently crawl along it, trying to apologize to every bird she stepped on until she reached the top. Just as she got there the annoying piece of paper finally peeled off her hoof. She curled down to the bird’s face being covered with it. “Gee, thanks!”
With the last few steps, she saw the purple monster from before, trying to walk in a circle and settle down for a nap. Derpy looked to her left seeing all the lost mail and the uniforms to the ponies who were supposed to bring them to Discord or return from delivering.
Derpy looked around for Gabby or signs of the other mail ponies but there weren’t any. “Oh no,” she said quietly grabbing her face, “I hope the monster didn’t eat them!”
Said monster overheard her emphasis and began looking around, tongue flopped out like a dog as it floated up, using its little eyes to try and scan its familiar home for unfamiliar signs.
Derpy had already lowered herself and was shaking like a rattlesnake tail. Those whispering classes with Fluttershy would have been useful! Especially if she found the other ponies. She began to try walking backwards along the side and bottom of the nest very slowly. As she did, the creature popped its head out from the side and flew in a circle around its home.
Derpy quickly flew around to the other side and began walking around the bed of the open nest.
“Psst! Derpy!”
“Gabby?”
“Shh! Down here.”
Derpy looked below. “Oh no, Gabby!” She pulled up a long-necked rubber chicken that squeaked as she shook it with both hooves. “You’ve been turned into a boneless chicken!”
“No, no! Down here!”
“Huh?” Derpy peered down into the nest of birds with one eye while looking around for the monster with the other. “Oh.” She tossed Boneless behind her.
“Derpy! We’re stuck down in here! But you have to get the mail to Discord. Maybe he could help us out.”
Derpy shook her head. “Nope. I can’t give residents any messages but official mail from the E.P.S. while on duty.”
Gabby face-clawed herself as the other ponies groaned.
Derpy saw the monster begin to float up. “Whoops! Gotta go! I’ll be right back!”
It wasn’t hard to spot a backwards-flying grey Pegasus fleeing from the open nest. The monster roared in anger at the intruder while buzzing towards her. Poor Derpy didn’t like being rushed into thinking but she knew that she had to come up with something. She laid both eyes on the wide-mouthed purple creature come after her. “Soggy muffins,” she said drooping her face, “it looks hungry!”
Derpy frantically reached in her saddlebag and pulled out a muffin and threw it as hard as possible. The monster easily ate it but upon chewing up the tasty pastry its eyes spun in opposite-twirling swirls, hypnotized by the wonderful, light flavor. Its mouth hung out and it flew all the harder.
“Technically I’m only supposed to use muffins as ‘tokens of appreciation to acquire resident satisfaction,’” Derpy spouted out trying to figure out just exactly what that means. “But I suppose this counts since I am using them for that purpose—in the end.” Derpy gulped as she reached in her saddlebag and pulled out another muffin. She twisted ninety degrees and flew sideways.
“Hey! You want this?” Derpy shouted as she began to sweat.
The monster wiggled what part of its massive head that it could rapidly up and down, flinging glowing slobber everywhere.
“Well ok,” Derpy gulped again as she used her left eye to concentrate on the goal of her direction of travel while using the other to look at the monster. “Fetch!” She threw the muffin behind her and flew in a different direction. As expected the creature followed it, licking its teeth. It reached out its tongue to try and grab the muffin, too focused to realize that it was heading into the black hole that would be the bottomless pit.
* * *
Derpy returned back to the nest and was walking around on the top.
“Ok, fine,” Gabby said muffled from below. “Is there anything you can write on? And write with? All the mail ponies here can process the letter to make it ‘official’. And there’s a stamp in one of the saddlebags.
Derpy perked her head straight and then lifted her hoof. “Oh yeah, I do have something to write on!” She reached behind and pulled the tuft of ink cloud that was raining music notes earlier. She plucked a feather from one of the larger birds, grabbed the piece of paper that used to be stuck to her hoof, and began to write.
When she finished, and was satisfied with the mail ponies’ official processing of the letter she had, while they rolled their eyes doing it, she took it as a postcard, gathered the rest of the lost mail, and continued on her way to Discord’s house.
* * *
Discord was in his living room pacing on the ceiling and muttering to a yellow plushie of Fluttershy and a dust bunny shaped like Angel. When he heard a knocking on his door, he swiped his pretend incarnation of his friends and stuffed them under the couch. He curled his white eyebrows with a lick of his lion paw and ruffled the hair along his back before opening.
There before him looking up was a grey Pegasus mare with a bubbly cutie mark, blue mail pony cap, a smile, and holding a saddlebag full of mail in her mouth.
“Spessful dewivery for Discawd.”
Discord’s eyes beamed with stars as he bent down and patted her on the head. “Awe. Aren’t you a cutie?”
Derpy closed her eyes and looked up with a bigger grin. Discord swiped the bag from her.
“And I got you another batch of muffins in apology to the late timing, and found all of your lost mail!”
Discord put his claw and paw on the closest location to his hips. “Well, it certainly is about time, isn’t it? But I suppose better late than never, right? Why didn’t they just send the best mail pony for the job in the first place? Sheesh, what’s it take for a government-supported mail system to get it right these days?”
Derpy blushed. “Well, I also brought you this letter, urgent, highest priority mail, next-day shipping. But I sorta brought it half a day early.”
Discord picked up Derpy and shook her violently. “Finally! For once I feel that somepony recognizes all of the extra effort that I so fittingly deserve.” He looked at the envelope for a second before using magic to tear it open and pull out the letter.
Derpy spoke as he unwrapped the crudely folded piece of paper. “This letter was really, really important for me to bring you, Mr. Discord!” As he looked, the writing and spelling was poor, like that of a foal.
Dear Mistur Discord,
My birthday partee is in 2 days, and the enturtainmant pony cancelled not long ago. I herd that you can throw a great party, with cottin candy clowds and chocolate rain! I wuld be honurd to have you enturtain my party. And i know you ar reformed and nice and even helped save Equestria! Please, will you come? I tried my best, but i drew a picture of you on another paper in the envelop, hope you like!
Your biggest fan,
Dinky Hooves
P.S. say hi to my mom if she delivered this letter.
Discord let go of Derpy and held on the letter. He reached in the envelope with his claws and delicately unfolded the second paper, a picture of him in crayon with a heroic cape, flying in the sky.
Derpy perked up with pride. “That’s my daughter. She’s a big fan of yours, Mr. Discord.”
He looked at the saddlebag of the other letters and pulled them out, revealing that more than half of them was fan mail from Dinky.
Discord’s eyes glistened. “I—I have fan mail. I—Oh! I just can’t wait to have tea time with Fluttershy! I’m going to read all of these to her. She was so sure of herself that if I keep trying to be nice one day ponies will worshi—I mean—appreciate me one day.”
He looked down at the grey Pegasus. “Alright. I’ll come to her birthday. And—oh dear! I guess I better come up with a present! But what should I get?” Discord began looking around his house, throwing random objects out the door as Derpy ducked below to dodge. He reappeared with the dust bunny visage of Angel. “Will this do?”
Derpy chuckled. “Just show up. You’ll be the best present she could ever hope for.”
Discord turned around to wipe liquid pride out of an eye.
“Oh yeah, and I brought this, too.” Derpy pulled up the makeshift postcard.
The Lord of Chaos used magic to pull it in front of him and read. He rubbed his chin. “Hmm. So you think you know where I could get a bunch of eggs of creatures from the Realm of Chaos?”
Discord teleported himself and Derpy in a flash in front of the birds’ nest. “Oh—I forgot I left this here.” He snapped his fingers and all the birds reappeared free, flying in all directions, and leaving behind the ponies in the center to float and spin in place.
Gabby tackled Derpy and fist-pumped. “Whoo-hoo! You did it! I want to go on deliveries into the Realm of Chaos with you every time!”
“Finally!” The brown earth pony sighed with relief with a smack. “We can all go home. Too bad we don’t get a lot of overtime for this though. I think I wanna quit.”
The other ponies mumbled in consideration but when Derpy saw how Discord was smiling at the crayon drawing of himself, she tilted her head to the side. “Nope. Making others happy and feeling special with what we deliver is what I live for. That’s good enough for me.”
