My life, if I can even call this anguish „life“, is ruled by a certain principle. Most frequently, I observe this principle outside at night when I'm holed up under a lamp or some secluded place else and watch the night city. Sometimes, somepony walks by not even noticing me. Day by day, I'm convincing myself that I'm a mere shadow. Why in Equestria have I given up on everybody around me?
I'm crying. I am still hurt by the memory when I went out on a limb for the first and my last time. Twilight disappointed me, this soulscar will never ever heal. Sometimes, I definitely miss somepony's hoof touching my face. Laughter of another pony. Love. Joy. —What the hay am I talking about?! I don't need anypony! I've decided to go away from the dimly lit bench I have been sitting upon for some time. On my way home, I impulsively buy „Wine Full of Laughter“ made by Pinkie Pie. I don't know who this pony is and honestly – I don't care. The wine's pretty amazing! I just wanna chill out after a long time of scrupulous studying. Some reward would be worth it.
On the way home, I meet several ponies some of whom are obviously very drunk. Our eyes briefly exchange contact but that's it. No words. No hard feelings. They go about their own life and I go about mine. I wonder why are they drunk. Are they drunk because they genuinely enjoy life? I doubt it since Canterlot has been a miserable place to live in for a while due to higher taxes imposed on us by Celestia. I'm sure she must have her reasons but still, everyone's become a bit poorer. Are they drunk because they are party animals? Some of them certainly look like it. Some of them look like they're in pain and just wanna drink it away. I can relate to that but instead of bottle, I have my own methods of how to destroy my own body. I don't get overly drunk, this isn't my style.
I'm finally home. I'm turning the music on, pouring the glass full and getting immersed in a book about conspiration theories. Some of them are thought out well but don't hold up against all the logical arguments one can throw at them. For example, one of them states that there's a group called Free Marens which is trying to conquer and rule over the Equestria. But why in Celestia's name would they want Equestria? It doesn't have much natural resources. Nor it does have much population to rule over. In other kingdoms, these Free Marens would have it thousand times easier than here.
With the rising wine content in my veins, it's becoming much harder to focus on the book I'm reading. My mind's running away into the land of daydreaming. Where will it lead me now? Suddenly, a foalhood memory appears in front of my eyelids. In it, Twilight and me are sitting down on a grassy surface. We're looking at the clouds trying to find the funniest thing up there. Twilight found a face of a stallion whose mane got entangled with raspberry stems. On the other hoof, I found a snake which knotted its own tail. We don't know what's funnier but we agree on one thing – our diaphragms hurt because of all the laughing. Another flash. This time, we play Chinese handball on a schoolyard. However, Twilight awkwardly fell down. I immediately rush to help her but during my gallop, I'm also falling down. One of my hooves hurts so much I can't stand on it for long. Schoolmates laugh at us two very cumbersome fillies. But despite that, Twilight stands up, comes to me and comforts me: „It's gonna be alright, Moon Dancer!“ With a painful expression in my face, I stand up and hug her saying she's my best friend. How does Twilight look now? What are her dreams? What's troubling her and what does she find solace in? Does she have somepony special? Or is she alone? What are her aspirations? And what does her life overall look like? I sometimes wonder how our friendship would look like, if Twilight came to that party.
Sigh. I'm crying again! I'm crying and mourning at these memories of mine. It's been such a long time but I still feel like it happened just yesterday. Twilight meant everything to me. She could cast better spells, she knew more than me. She was a role model for me and how to become a better mare. Wait. Maybe it wasn't her who hurt me. Maybe it was me! I crumble into a skein of my own emotions. Am I myself responsible for the fact that I'm alone and that nopony likes me?! I hate myself and I despise this life full of misery and destitution! The pain is unbearable the life's shitty as fuck!
I'm going into the bathroom. I know how I'll help myself from all the melancholy which shakes my entire body apart. Here on a shelf, I see my loyal servant, a razor. With magic, I let the razor gloriously soar into the air. Ooh my most faithful one, take this terrifying burden off my shoulders. The edge drives into my fur easily. Blood's starting to flow out. Ecstatic, I scar my body and I don't fucking care. I don't give a darn, if I die from all the blood loss! I feel alive as the emotional pain goes away. Tired from all the emotional garbage I collapse on the ground and slowly close my eyes. Sleep is in my reach. I wanna dream. In dreams, there's no pain. In dreams, I don't bleed. In dreams, I'm not a mere shadow.
